Another Day - Another Destiny

Happy Anniversary - 5 Years!

2011-09-20T18:39:00.003+02:00

Wow, I can't believe this blog has been running for 5 years! Quite amazing!
This entry will be sort of a good bye entry though, as I have explained earlier I am moving my main blog and will be writing a Swedish blog, along with a Swedish website - I have launched them both today.

I could never delete this blog, so it will still be here, and if I should feel like it at some point, I might make an entry or two - but like I said, I will mostly focus on my Swedish sites now.

I just have to make a note, that on these five years we have reached 36 573 visitors! Unbelievable! And THANK YOU!

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För er som läser svenska, kommer här adresserna till min nya hemsida och min nya blogg.
Hemsidan, *jessica alm online * finner ni här: http://www.jessica-alm.se
Bloggen, som också den heter Another Day - Another Destiny, finner ni här: http://jessica-alm.blogspot.com
Hoppas vi ses där!

Alive?!

2011-09-11T16:35:00.003+02:00

I do apologize for the lack of entries in the blog lately ... Things are extremely intense in my life right now - and I feel more and more that I'm making the right decision in moving to a new blog in Swedish only. I simply don't have the energy to try to explain everything that goes on in my life in a foreign language right now - and therefore I also don't quite feel up to blogging. It feels like I'm not doing it properly when I can't really write about what goes on and what's on my mind ...

Just thought I'd make an entry letting you know I'm still alive though - even though certain days I hardly feel alive at all ...
I still hope, with everything that is going on now, I will be able to release the new website and blog on September 20 - and I am fairly sure I can promise more regular and proper blog updates there.

At the moment I'm trying to write my thesis, attend meetings and seminars, attend lectures for the course where I'm mentor as well as leading mentor meetings - and I'm also planning a trip to the summerhouse, and it looks like some pretty major will happen in my life later this fall, but it's still a bit of a secret! ;)
I am, needless to say, keeping very busy - and it's making me very tired ...
For now, you'll have to make good with this update....

Intense But Good!

2011-09-01T10:13:00.003+02:00

Whoa, this semester sure has started off in an intense way, that's for sure!
Still, it's probably the best start of a semester I've had in a great long while, so I'm not complaining about the intensity! :)

Where do I start?
Monday morning was the introduction to the Bible Studies course where I am mentor, so I was going to give them a little information regarding the mentor activity and invite them to the first meeting. Obviously I have done this before (though on another course) and I do know what to say, but I'm still very nervous and anxious about these things, so I didn't sleep much and was up before dawn trying to prepare myself as best I could.

Everything worked smoothly, I had a moment to tell the teacher I wanted a few minutes and it was fine with her - but it was a large group, they were between 25 and 30 students ... On the Hebrew course they usually start out around 15 and end up being 10 ... sort of! :) But I have to say that I don't think my anxiety increased because it was a larger group, and I guess that is a good thing! I think it is the fact that I'm standing up in front of people with all attention directed at me that is the problem, not whether it's six or twelve or fifty people.

So anyway, a lot of information first, from the student counsellor, from the NT teacher and from the OT teacher - and then it was my turn! I think it went okay, pretty good ... I do know I tend to talk WAY to fast (because of the anxiety!), I find it very hard to slow down - and that's a bad thing ... but I think I got the information out that I needed, I got eye contact with a lot of the students etc. so it felt pretty good! :)
We had a bit more of a "usual lecture" toward the end and we were done around ten.

I was pretty exhausted afterwards and didn't quite know how to pass the time, but I ended up reading a few articles for my thesis and I think I at least understood some of it! Points for effort? :)

At 2 p.m. I was meeting with the professor, and it ended up being a pretty good meeting! I felt I knew a bit more about the subject than when I met him last, I had an idea on how to proceed and he approved it - so it was basically a question of detailing what needed to be done and what perspective to take on things. However ...
However, it turns out I'm going to have TONS to do now, I have to send him in a rough draft on September 25, and I have A LOT to do until then! And that does make me a bit nervous, I can't help that! Still, I enjoy doing it and I have the mentor activity to not get too caught up in stressing over my writing - and again, I REALLY have found my place, I love being around the Department and around the people there, so I just simply have to make sure I work as hard as I can during these weeks and hopefully I have accomplished something! :)

Tuesday was really NOT a good day, so I'm just going to not say anything about that - and instead move on to yesterday, Wednesday.

Basic plan was lectures 8-10, first mentor meeting 10-11 and sort of an introductory meeting for students taken (some) advanced level courses and/or writing advanced level essays at 1.
For various reasons (Tuesday was NOT a good day!) I had not been able to prepare much at all during Tuesday, so again I was up at the crack of dawn, trying to get a structure for the first mentor meeting. At first it felt impossible, but I finally managed to work something out, that I also hopefully will be able to use on other meetings, and I left for Uni around 7.
When I got there I was going to fix the coffee and stuff for the mentor meeting, and met another mentor there, who was doing the same thing! :)
She was almost done and when she left, the NT teacher showed up. I know who he is, we say Hello, but I haven't really talked to him, and since I'm going to be mentor on the NT-part as well, I thought this would be a good opportunity to break the ice. We started talking and really hit it off, which was great. He was very curious about how things had been during the first lecture, how I felt about the mentor activity on the course ... so we ended up talking for quite a while. Until I realized that it was 8.12 - and the lecture started at 8.15! Yikes!
I rushed up to the lecture and got there just in time - very interesting lecture, the teacher is fantastic! During the break I went back and got the coffee and things done, and the other half of the lecture was aimed more at getting the students talking and discussing, which I think is great!

We were done at 10 and I called out that we'd have the mentor meeting in the adjoining room. I went there with all my stuff and then went back to see if people would be coming or not! And they did! :) I think we ended up being 11 students, which felt like a pretty good turnout actually, even though I am used to smaller groups!
I gave some basic information and we spent the meeting basically just talking. They got to introduce themselves and we talked about the course and the lectures and the literature ... I have a lot of feelings about the meeting myself, but I don't think this is the place to air them actually.
Still, it felt like a good meeting, as an introduction, and I think and hope I will see these students on the other meetings as well.

I tried to read a bit for my thesis during my break, but it was really slow and I had a bit of a headache. I did manage to organize a mentor meeting schedule to go up on the notice board (which I should have done Monday *oops*), and then I met E, who joined me as mentor last year - she was going to the advanced level introduction-thingy too. We ended up talking and more and more students joined me, a lot of them people I haven't seen in a great long while, so it was really nice catching up with them again.

The introduction-thing was ... I don't know ... I think it's GOOD, really, they are organizing writing-support-groups for students, where you can discuss your writing, comment on texts etc., and they have just general meetings for advanced level students where they try to invite people to talk about different things and so on ... and I know that is really great, but I kind of feel out-of-it. I know a few of the students, sure, but since my studies have been made complicated for oh-so-many reasons, I don't feel like I belong in a group like this - I have taken the same courses they have, or in the same order, I am the only one writing in my subject, which is pretty small and specialized, so I'm not sure how many constructive comments I can get on it ...
I will try to attend, if nothing else to show my general interest in the Department, in a way, but I don't feel very enthusiastic about it ...

I was going to take a train home around 2.45 - only to find out there had been an electrical failure and all train traffic was stopped for a while. My usual trip home (on the train) is 15 minutes ... yesterday it took me 1½ hours ... yay! Not!

*phew*
I'm exhausted today, and I probably won't go to Uni, but I still need to get things done, so I'm hoping I can work on that during the day! :)

Oh yeah, I just have to say THANK YOU to all my visitors, we have hit 36,000 now, since September 20, 2006!!
I'm very happy we reached that since this blog will (almost) stop on September 20! :)
Thanks again!

Intense start!

2011-08-27T17:18:00.002+02:00

Feels like this semester sure got off with a bang ... I'm not complaining though, I love being where I am in my life right now, but when a lot of stuff happens at the same time, I tend to be a little nervous about how to cope with everything!

First things first, at the beginning of last week I found I will be able to work as a mentor again, during the first half of this semester! :) It won't the Hebrew course I've been working on before, but a course in Bible Studies, so first there is five weeks Old Testament studies, then five weeks New Testament studies.
We didn't know if were going to have a mentor at all on this course, and it was talks about having a part-time mentor on it (so I had figured that IF I would get it, I'd probably get to have about 4-5 mentor meetings during the entire course) - but when I got the email from my supervisor, it turns out I can have 10 (!) meetings! Cool! (And a little bit scary ...)

During the week, I think I have tried to do a "set-up" for at least the beginning of the semester, so even though I guess it hasn't been that busy, it feels like it, since I know what is to come! :)
I emailed the two Bible Studies-teachers, the OT teacher is the same as on the Hebrew course, I know her and very much enjoy working with her - I "sort of" know the NT teacher too, but I emailed him and properly introduced myself, and we'll be having a meeting about a week before his course starts.
I met the OT teacher on Thursday, and while I had been a bit nervous about working as a mentor since this would be a "new" course for me (I took it myself about 3½ years ago), most of my nervousness went away with that meeting. I became really inspired and motivated and I really hope I can do a good job as a mentor on this course as well!

After that meeting, we had a lunch meeting with all the mentors as the Department and our supervisors, signed contracts etc. It was a nice meeting and we also got lists of the students that probably will take the courses where we are mentors - and I have 28 names on my list! Yikes! The Hebrew group usually ends up being 12-14, so say 6-7 on mentor meetings! :)
Will be a bit of challenge to see how large the mentor group will be on this course!

I also emailed the OT professor as I need to talk to him about my master's thesis, see that I'm going in the right direction with that ...

So next week WILL be busy:
Monday morning, introduction to the Bibles Study course, where I need to introduce myself and the mentor activity (hopefully things will work out with schedules too, I made one last week, but I still haven't heard back from the lady who'd make sure we had a room to be in!).
On Monday afternoon I'm meeting with the professor, so I feel I should have something to say to him as well, which takes some preparations.

Nothing planned on Tuesday except for studies and I have to have a talk to the building supervisor where I live about a few things that aren't working properly.

Wednesday morning, it's Bible Studies lectures and straight after that, the first mentor meeting ... So that takes some preparation too, and of course I'm hoping it will be okay, with a decent turnout.
Right after lunch I have to "registration roll call" (or whatever you're supposed to call it) - basically it's students taking Advanced Level courses (sort of) and writing Advanced Level essays that needs to be registered - and these events are always SO messy ... so I can't say that I'm looking forward to that either, to be honest.

Thursday, no plans apart from my own studies, but on Friday it's time for the first Bible Studies seminar, and after that I'm having lunch with a friend ...

And I might have forgotten a few things ... *phew*

This ended up being quite a long entry, but I would like to finish off by saying a bit more about my upcoming internet project(s).
I have been getting a few comments regarding the fact that I will be switching from English to Swedish with the release of my new website and blog - and I have also started going more Swedish on Facebook. I have mixed feelings about this, but I have thought about it a lot.
I don't want to loose touch with my non-Swedish speaking friends, obviously, but I do find it very difficult to write in English these days.

When I started this blog, it was mostly focused on how I coped with everyday situations - I was coming back from sick leave, still had lots of anxiety and social phobia problems, and I found it almost easier to write in English, as I felt I almost "detached" myself a bit from my situation by writing in English and explaining things in more general terms.
Things have changed quite a bit for me during these past few years. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, but right now my life is centred very much around the University, around my education, my situation there and all that that involves - and that makes it difficult to write in English.
I am not at all familiar with University and education terminology meaning I have to look up a lot of words when I'm writing a blog entry or updating my status on Facebook. Almost all the time I feel that I'm not getting a proper translation, meaning I constantly feel a need to explain and clarify what I mean - and to be honest, I'm not comfortable with that.
I also feel that my Swedish speaking friends some times miss out, because I am describing a situation they are very familiar with, but due to my translating it into English and they translating it back to Swedish, they sometimes don't get what I mean ...

Like I said, I don't want to loose touch with my friends, but I feel like that kind of contact might be held through Facebook messages and/or emails.

I have made my decision regarding this, and naturally I hope you all respect that. With this entry I just wanted to let you know that I'm not doing this on a whim, I have thought a lot about this and I have my reasons for it.
And you will be able to stay here with me at least until September 20 - and I am NOT deleting this blog - so there might be some English entries in the future as well! You'll never know! :)

Internet project!

2011-08-22T20:08:00.003+02:00

I really should have made this entry yesterday, but 'better late than never', right? :)

I've been thinking about this new internet project for a while now, and finally the wheels are in motion. I am creating a brand new website, mostly a basic website about me, my interests and thoughts on various things, but I'm hoping to expand on that.
For instance; my 'The Flying Doctors'-website has basically been put on hold for years, and I am hoping to be able to release it under this new website I'm creating.

One thing about this website: It will be in Swedish.
Most likely, I will also create a blog connected to the site, which will also be in Swedish, and which will more or less replace this one.
The reason for this is the fact that I have lost contact with most of my non-Swedish-speaking friends and I'm not getting much general response from friends outside of Sweden these days - and therefore, an English website or an English blog seems superfluous ...

None of this is absolutely determined yet, and I might be convinced to change my mind - if I get enough response from people who would no longer be able to follow me (on website or blog) if I go all Swedish! :)

I am on Facebook, for my English-speaking friends, even though I'm considering going "more Swedish" there as well.
Basically, my reasons are these:
At the point where I'm at in life, I find it difficult to write everything in English. Most of my life at the moment centres around my education, my University studies and what goes on there, and I find it difficult to always explain our education system, our various courses, finding appropriate terminology for everything etc.
Add to this the fact that I feel like most of my readers and followers are Swedish friends.

But please, feel free to leave your comments and thoughts on what I have written here, whoever you are reading this blog - and I will certainly read your comments and take them into consideration.

This blog will turn 5 years old on September 20, and at the moment, I am thinking of releasing my new website and blog on that same date! :)
I will not delete this blog, and I might make an occasional entry here after September 20 as well - I won't abandon this blog as it has been a record of some very intense years in my life! :)

Again, feel free to leave your comments on this entry!

Difficult Week

2011-08-21T08:56:00.002+02:00

This week has been rather difficult for me ... there are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and trying to sort them out and at the same time get my "practical life" working, it's not just easy ...

I have been struggling and even though I can't say I have been doing really well, I think I have seen some minor improvements as the week went by, and I guess that is a good thing and something to keep working on.

I've been doing a lot of photo projects lately, ordering tons of photos, marked them and put in albums but also computer related photo projects like digital scrapbooking. It's a lot of fun and it helps me relax a bit, which I think I need at times! :)

I'm having a lot of thoughts on a future (quite large) internet project, I will think some more and hopefully get back with an entry on that later today!

9 months. Loved Always. Missed Forever.

2011-08-15T21:57:00.003+02:00

I can't quite grasp the fact that it's been nine months since I said goodbye to Zorro and walked out of the pet clinic alone ... I know they say grieving takes time, and I am living through that now, but I am amazed at how crystal clear all my thoughts and memories of Zorro are.
I'm not complaining, quite the opposite!! Right after he died I was SO scared that the memory of him would eventually fade away, and I am realizing that is not the case.
But sometimes I'm almost frightened at how intense the memories are ... mostly when I go to bed at night. Since I got back home after the summer I haven't been sleeping well, and every night when I turn the lights out, no matter how tired I am, I am thrown into some virtual reality or a huge 360 degrees movie theatre where I'm seeing Zorro ... and not just seeing him, I can see every detail of his fur, I can see his teeth, I see the black little spot he had in his eye and the green insurance marker they stapled his ear with. I can hear him in surround sound, and I feel his body against mine, I feel his soft fur on my hands, I feel his tongue licking my face, I feel his paws on my shoulders when we were hugging.

It is difficult to deal with the grief when the memories of Zorro are still so vivid and alive - and yet, like I said, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I always knew we had a strong bond between us. Already when my Mum had both Zorro and his brother Zimba, I always got along better with Zorro, for some reason. And the bond between us has only grown stronger and stronger over the 10½ years we got together. I knew we had something special between us, and I think I tried to value the time we had and tried not to waste it - but it's just now, after he's passed away, that I'm realizing just how strong the bond between us was.
We always had each other, and in a way we were quite alike. I am a very private person, and while I have become more outgoing lately, there are certain things I cannot share with ANYONE ... but in a way I shared them with Zorro (of course, I didn't outright talk to him about them but we still shared them in a way). And Zorro was very social and outgoing and loved having people around him ... but he never relaxed in anyone's lap but mine, and he never ever purred with anyone except with me.
So when it was rough for one, or both, of us, we had this; "It's us against the world"-thing, and I don't think I quite realized that until after he was gone ...

While the grief sometimes is knocking me to my knees (both figuratively and literally speaking!), I still hope the memory of Zorro will always be as alive and as clear in my mind as it is right now. I feel like I owe him that.

R.I.P. My Love.
Zorro - 5 July 1997 ~ 15 November 2010
Loved Always.
Missed Forever.

Settling In Difficulties

2011-08-14T18:07:00.002+02:00

As usual when I've been away for the summer (well, almost anyway) I find it difficult to get back into my life. I know it's like that every year but it still bothers me a lot - actually more now than before as I have some plans for the future and I would like to start putting things into action.

I apologize for the vagueness but I'm still not sure what will happen so I don't want to divulge too much, just in case I won't reach the goals I'm setting for myself. I will however get back to this in the future, IF things seem to be going in the right direction. :)

I'm hoping to get started with a more active part of my life tomorrow, which includes this and that - I'm hoping I'll be able to go Uni and get started on my master's thesis again. I probably have to email the professor in about two weeks and it would definitely be good to feel I have gotten a fair bit of work done before then.

There are also a number of things I want/need/shall do and fix now, that has been set aside over the summer, so hopefully I can discipline myself enough to really get it done!

I am also thinking about an internet project now, but I will get back to you on that later on. I think I'm going to need my friends and blog followers point of views and ideas for this, so stay tuned! :)

Summer 2011

2011-08-12T12:52:00.004+02:00

Finally it's time for a general update on the summer of 2011, so I can get started on this autumn later on.

Like I said in my previous entry, I have to say that overall this summer has been a really good one! There are a number of reasons for that, I think, but as they are very personal both to me and to people close to me, I won't say anymore. After all, the important thing is that the summer has been pretty good.

The most difficult part has of course been coping with the first summer without Zorro! As I wrote here earlier, the first time I got to the summerhouse without him I basically collapsed, and it has been a lot of more difficult to handle than I had expected.

Even though it was quite an ordeal for Zorro to travel to the summerhouse, I think he really liked it there, and he came to really fit in there. It was wonderful seeing him being able to be outside (as I only have a small balcony where I live) and even though I had him on a leash, it was really long so he could move around a lot!

I also at times feel very much alone when I am visiting my Dad's family. After all, they are a family and while they are all for including me, fact is: I'm not a part of their family, not in that "intimate" way anyway. And I really don't want to be either, to be honest ... I want to be able to visit them and spend time with them and enjoy their company, but I am a grown woman and at the moment, I am my own family. Earlier, Zorro was my family. It was him and me, and when things got really intense we always had each other, at nights and early in the mornings, we could really spend quality time together - and now I have had to deal with the intensity all on my own ...

It has been great spending time with my sisters again - they grow a lot and I have to say that it feels good to see them play well together. That does take a bit of the pressure off their big sister (LOL!) and it's great that they have such a good relationship. Sure, they argue at times and then it can get pretty bad, but mostly, they get on great together - and they grow SO fast!!

Finishing off with a few photos from the summer.

First some nature photos:

And some of my gorgeous sisters:

One day we went to a rather large zoo, which was a lot of fun and we got to see some beautiful animals.

The girls got to go pony riding and that was a BIG HIT, let me tell you! Don't they look great?

Back For Good!

2011-08-09T10:02:00.002+02:00

I came back home yesterday and it feels fantastic to be back home again. I have to say that this summer has been better than a lot of other summers and it was difficult to say good bye to everyone yesterday morning, even though I at the same time feel thrilled to be back where I am supposed to be again! :)

I know I have a difficult autumn ahead of me now, where a lot of things has to be done, a lot of things has to fall into place and I have to take on a lot of challenges, but I'm still very much looking forward to getting stuck into it, and hopefully I will be able to work hard and make things work as good as possible.

I also hope I can get this blog back to what it used to be, in the "good old days"! :) I do like the blog and I don't like the fact that so much time passes between updates and also the irregularity of my entries! I would like to see entries on a daily basis, but I guess I'd better play it safe and not give any guarantees! :)
I will try to - as usual! :) - make a few 'come-back-entries' now, both on things having happened during the summer, but also on what lies ahead, and then we'll just have to take it from there.

I hope you all had a great summer!!

Difficult Times

2011-07-09T13:53:00.002+02:00

I've been going through a few difficult days now, which is why I haven't been blogging. I'm trying to make a lot of changes in my life, and they are not easy to make. I'm learning some hard truths about myself, and that isn't always easy either. Therefore I am struggling a lot with myself and my attitude to a lot of things in my life now and that is taking a lot of energy.
I know this is the right thing to do right now, I am at a time and place in my life where I need to make these changes, and I also think I am mature enough and have come far enough to actually make them - but like I said earlier, they don't come easy, that's for sure.

I'm trying to maintain my normal life at the same time, meaning I am often very tired and bordering on exhausted, and I just hope I can see this through. I know that all of this will be put on pause when I go back to the summerhouse, because when I'm there and when I'm spending time with my families, I simply cannot work with myself the way I can when I'm at home. Therefore I'm also hoping to come as far as possible now, before going back there - but I still don't know when that will be.
My Dad and his family will come here for a few days first, sort of a mini-vacation, and then we'll all go back together, but they haven't decided on when they're going to come here yet - they have a lot on their plate and there's also the weather to consider - we can't be cooped up in my little apartment, all five of us, if it constantly rains ...

I'm hoping to be able to do a bit more of blogging before going back to the summerhouse, but a lot depends on how I'm feeling.

Sad Day ...

2011-07-05T23:12:00.002+02:00

5 July 1997 ~ 5 July 2011
This would have been Zorro's 14th birthday.

My thoughts have been with Zorro all day today, and I still feel very sad and very upset that I've lost him. I know it was a long time ago, and I know that I'm coping with my life, but as soon as I allow myself to think about him, I get all torn up inside. I still, after all this time, can't grasp the fact that I'll never ever see him again, that I'll never be able to touch him, to hold him, to hear him ...

I figured, before this happened, that I'd be devastated once I had to get used to life without Zorro - after all, I did have time to "get used to" the idea, as Zorro was quite old when he died. But not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how difficult it would be!!
I don't think it took me very long to realize and accept Zorro's death - but I still haven't been able to realize and accept my life without him ... there is actually a great difference between the two ...

As I was going through my digital photos today, I was sad to see there are hardly any photos of me and Zorro together! :( I know my Mum took some photos about 7 years ago, but that was before I had a digital camera so I don't have those pictures in the computer ... apart from that there are very few photos actually ... and most of the ones I have are pictures of me and Zorro with my Dad and his family, where all of us are standing together - so I basically have to crop the photos a lot to get just me and Zorro! :(
I'll share pretty much all of these photos I have (I think there might be one or two more, but I'm not sure ...).

The Flying Doctors

2011-07-04T09:50:00.002+02:00

Those of you who have know me quite a long time know that some ten to fifteen years ago I was totally, and I mean TOTALLY, into the Australian TV show "The Flying Doctors". For a number of years I ran a fairly successful website about the show, and I even met one of the actors, Christopher Stollery in 2001!
As time went by, my interest sort of cooled off a little. I still think it's an amazing TV show, but I'm quite as hooked on it as I was back then.

When I received the Honorary Diploma for extraordinary achievements within SI my Mum decided to give me the entire Flying Doctors DVD Set, containing all 9 seasons!!!! Such an amazing gift!!!!!
I've watched the first two seasons so far, and I'm quickly realizing why I was so taken by this show earlier! I'm actually even thinking of bringing my old website back to life again, although that will be a long term project, and I'm not giving any guarantees at all!!

Big Girls!

2011-07-02T10:55:00.003+02:00

Not having seen my little sisters since early February it was quite a surprise to see how grown up they are ... time sure flies by fast!!

M is almost 7 years old now, it's hard to realize! I still remember getting to hold her in the hospital when she was 27 hours old!! Incredible!
She's gone to "school" for a year now (I think it's something in between the "real" school and pre-school that Swedish 6-year-olds can attend, and I think that has made her grow up a lot. The way she moves and talks is quite different and she is really intelligent! She reads children's books fluently now, and it's not uncommon that she crawls up in a bed or a couch and reads to her little sister - so adorable! :)

I is 4½ years old now, and that's also hard to take in. She's been the "baby" for so long, I am constantly amazed by the fact that she is a very bright and beautiful little girl now! She looks up to her little sister a lot and she's starting to read as well now! Now very long words and still only upper case letters, but I still think that's pretty impressive for a 4½-year-old!! Also, if you give her a word, say up to six or seven letters long, she can spell it out for you!

They really play well together now, which is lovely to see. Of course, they don't always get a long and sometimes they argue quite a lot, but for the most time they are best friends and stick together - and with them playing so well together it takes some of the pressure off me! :) They still very much want me to be with them, but they accept that I sometimes have to do other things as they can always play with each other!

Some photos of the "Big Girls"! :)

Back Home Again!

2011-07-01T20:38:00.002+02:00

After about two weeks in the summerhouse, I'm back home for a few weeks now - then I'm going back again! :-)

It's been intense times, so I'm fairly tired now, today has been a very slack day indeed, but I'm feeling a bit better now, so I'm hoping to get stuck into a lot of things tomorrow.

I spent about a week in the summerhouse by myself first, and it was actually a very difficult time for me. It was the first time I was there since Zorro passed away and I was instantly moved back to November again. I don't think I've ever been in the summerhouse without him since around 2002, and it was more difficult than I could have imagined. We had deliberately planned it so I would be out there by myself first, and I think that was a good decision, I could never have coped to be there with my Dad and his whole family straight away.

I tried to keep busy by working outside, but the weather wasn't exactly co-operating with me as it rained heavily almost the entire time ... I did get a bit of work done but I was also left thinking a lot inside ... not that I think that's a bad thing, I think I really needed it - but I won't deny I felt pretty awful.

My Dad and his family came out to the summerhouse the day before Midsummer and it was great seeing them all again, of course. The girls have grown SO much (but then again, I hadn't seen them since February!), and they are wonderful to be around, even though I sometimes find it a bit difficult to adapt to the intensity it brings being around an entire family like that.

On Midsummer's Day I took a train to visit my Mum, and it was wonderful to see her again. We had a lot of catching up to do as she's had some problems with her phone lately, so we haven't been able to talk to each other much for a while. I went back to the summerhouse on Sunday evening, and spent the coming three days there with Dad and the rest of the "gang".

We went to "town" (where they live) on Wednesday afternoon and early yesterday morning, I went home. It was quite a long trip, I think mostly because I was completely exhausted. It felt really wonderful when I arrived home, but I was SO tired!

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well tonight, so I've been very tired today as well, and I haven't really gotten a lot of things done, mostly little things. Still, I think it's understandable after the intense times that have been.
I am trying to accomplish a lot of changes in my life at the moment, and I know I can't work at that 100% when I'm not in my usual environment but now I'm getting a few weeks here so starting tomorrow I will try to get stuck into that!

Sharing some photos from the summerhouse - and I have a few more blog entries to go through, not sure if I'll have the energy tonight but otherwise they'll be here tomorrow!

Chaos and Change!

2011-06-16T21:10:00.002+02:00

I haven't been feeling very well late, and it seems the more I've been trying, the more chaotic things have become.
I will be going to the summerhouse tomorrow, for about two weeks, and I'm hoping that a change of scenery will change this downward spiral I feel I'm stuck in right now - and as usual I have no internet access when I'm in the summerhouse.

We haven't made plans for the summer yet, but I'm hoping to go now, stay for about two weeks, then come back home for about three weeks, then go back for about three weeks, before coming home for good ... but nothing has been settled yet, so we'll just have to wait and see ...

I will try to update the blog when I get the chance ....

Take care for now!

10 Year Anniversary!

2011-06-13T11:04:00.002+02:00

Yes, yesterday was a bit of an anniversary for me, as it was 10 years ago I moved to southern Sweden! (Skåne) I basically felt a bit like I needed to break free, to start standing on my own two feet (better late than never?) and on top of that I wanted to start studying Theology, and the two major cities to do that then was Lund and Uppsala - so it was Lund.

Apparently things didn't go too well at the beginning, and after about six months here I ended up on sick leave - for four years!! Still, no matter how difficult it was, I never even contemplated moving back ... I think something has always told me this was the place where I am supposed to be, and now, ten years later, I'm certain of that!! I really really feel good here, I feel I have found my place and even though things aren't always perfect (duh!) I really don't want to leave here unless I have to! :)

I took a 2 hour walk yesterday even to try to think a few things through, as there is a lot of things going on now, and some things aren't working out so great - and after that walk, and a lot of thinking and personal writing this morning, I think I do feel a little better. And I have to share some photos from my walk - I just love living my the ocean! :-)

This week is REALLY intense, I have to finish a report on my master's thesis by Wednesday, as I have a meeting with the professor on Thursday, and early Friday morning I go to the summerhouse. First stay will be about two weeks, then I'll go back here for a while, before going back there again. So I also have to clean my apartment, do laundry, book tickets, go to the Bank - and then some ...
I guess I'd better get on with it thought, right? :)
I hope I can make a few more entries here before I leave, because then I'll be basically without internet access for two weeks ...

11 years!

2011-06-09T22:45:00.002+02:00

Today is a bit of a sad day for me.
Exactly 11 years ago, Zorro came to live with me, and of course I think about him a lot!! My Mum had gotten both Zimba and Zorro but after she moved and the cats were let out on a netted porch, things started to go badly ... I have always suspected that Zorro had an over-production of some hormone, like adrenaline or testosterone, because he tended to be a bit more hyper than was really normal.
This showed itself for example by the fact that he couldn't be around other cats (except for his brother, Zimba) ... he went really crazy when he saw another cat. And when they were out on the porch and another cat would come by, Zorro obviously couldn't get at the 'intruder', so he lashed out at the one he could get at: Zimba. The fights turned really nasty and we decided I would take Zorro and Mum would keep Zimba - and in retrospect, I think it was the best thing we could have done, for all four of us!
I actually "bought" Zorro from my Mum, she got four Swedish Crowns for him, one Crown for each paw! :-) And he moved in with me on June 9, 2000 ...

I remember being really scared he wouldn't adapt properly and that he'd feel neglected, so I basically spent the first couple of days carrying him around in my arms! Zorro and I had gotten along better than Zimba and I did, even when my Mum had them both, but I think Zorro and I really truly bonded during those days - after that he always wanted to be in my lap, he was usually laying on my arm like an infant! :-)7

I miss him so much! Every time I think of him, every time I see him in my head, feel his soft fur or wet nose, every time I hear him, it's like someone ran a knife through my heart. It's been nearly seven months now, and while I know that a lot can happen and that "time heals all wounds" and whatnot, I find it very difficult to see myself ever getting another cat. I'm not saying I'll never have animals again, but I can't see it being a cat ever again!

I think Zorro will always be THE Cat for me ...
I Will Always Love You.

The Place To Be

2011-06-08T21:14:00.002+02:00

I just have to say I am absolutely amazed by the fact that I have so totally and completely found my place in life!
I'm not saying everything is perfect and I'm living in a dream world, but considering where I've been and where I come from, it's almost unbelievable that I now find myself in the place where I am right now! I realize I have put a lot of work into my life over the last 5-8 years or so, but I still find it fantastic to see how far it's gotten me - which was something I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.

And no, nothing really special has happened today - I had an "unofficial meeting" (sort of) at Uni today and I guess that triggered this whole chain of thoughts ... because there's no place I'd rather be right now. I have been having some difficulties with certain things during the last few years, but overall, I can't believe the person I have become, and the response I'm getting from people around me, from people I care about and from people I admire.
I am trying hard right now to make a few changes in my life, and I really hope I'll be able to do that. Seeing now how great things really are, makes me even more motivated to actually change the things that aren't that great - and the fact is, most of those things are things that I CAN change! Sure, I'll have to apply myself and put a bit of effort into it, but I have a strong feeling it will be worth it many times over! :)

I am purposely being a bit vague in this entry, but I really don't feel comfortable being too specific about these things, as it also tends to involve other people ... but I still wanted to share this amazing feeling with you! :-)

The Social Arena

2011-06-08T08:56:00.002+02:00

I don't know how many of the readers notice the labels of this blog, but I do have a label called "The Social Arena". Now, I started this blog back in 2006, and that label was then to indicate when I'd actually interacted socially. That was not so common back then, especially in situations outside the University, so I really felt I had to make a point of that when it happened.

Things have come a long way since then, and I now find that it's some times difficult to know when to use that label - as I now tend to interact socially quite a lot! :-)
Still I felt the title appropriate for this blog entry, as I have had two pretty intense days, socially speaking, this weekend.

On Sunday there was a family reunion on my Dad's side, to celebrate that my grandmother would have turned 100 years old. My Dad's sister had taken the initiative to that, she'd gathered almost her entire family in their summerhouse (which is not far from ours, and not far from where my grandmother lived), with children and grandchildren, and she'd also invited her siblings and their families.
It's a 6 hour trip, one way, for me, but I cared deeply for my grandmother, and my aunt and her family were very close to ours when I was a child (they have five children, my cousins, and they were almost like my older siblings when I grew up!), so I quickly decided I would go. My Dad would come as well, but not the rest of his family - and we knew nothing of the rest of my Dad's siblings (he has another sister and a brother as well, with children and grandchildren).

The trip north was okay, even though it was a bit hot to be stuck on a bus/train all day, and I met my Dad when I arrived. When we got to my aunt's, it turned out we were the only ones who would come, which actually made me quite disappointed ...
Still I had a really great time, even though we couldn't stay for very long. A lot of my cousins I hadn't seen for basically 10 years or more (!!) but I think we did create some sort of bond when we were kids, because I was more relaxed than I usually am in situations like that and I REALLY REALLY enjoyed seeing them all again!

My train back was leaving at 5 p.m. but was delayed, and I had a pretty tight connection in Gothenburg, so I was a bit worried about missing it ... Luckily the train managed to speed up a bit and we were "only" about 10 minutes late, so after a bit of running, I did make it to my bus! :) I wasn't home until 11 p.m. but despite being tired I was really happy I had gone through with the day, and that it had worked out so well.
I hope there will be more opportunities to meet up with them during the summer!

On Monday, which is a Swedish holiday, it was time for the annual "start-of-summer-at-Sofiero"-tradition! :-) I met Sara, Martin, Johanna, Per, Johanna and Mikael at Sofiero and it's really a gorgeous place to be at in the beginning of summer. We all had a lot to carry so we didn't walk around much, but went straight to our usual spot! This tradition is really fabulous, and this is actually the fourth year we're doing it - I, Sara and Johanna have been there every time but we've had different companions each year, I think! :-)

Yesterday I didn't feel well at all, I was in bed most of the day with a nasty headache (no hangover though, as I left Sofiero at 7 p.m. and didn't have much to drink at all, I blame the headache on the weather!), but now I'm going to try to make a final rush on my thesis before "summer"! :-)

Happy Birthday Grandmother!

2011-06-06T09:39:00.002+02:00

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to my Grandmother (Dad's side), who would have turned 100 years old today!

She was indeed a fantastic lady, who made the most out of a difficult life! She passed away after many many years of illness and injuries in 1995, but she gathered a lovely family around her and she lived to see four children, ten grandchildren and four great-grandchildren.
I think what I remember most about her is her genuine and complete kindness in everything. She always put everyone else before herself and always wanted to do what was best for everyone, I don't think she ever had a selfish thought in her.
When I was really little, she used to come out to us in the summerhouse (she didn't live very far from there) with her little car completely stacked with bread and she filled up our freezer! When I was about 5 or 6 I guess, we had gotten a little guest house and I had a blast when my grandmother used to come and she and I stayed in the guest house over night, while my Mum and Dad slept in the big house! :-) She used to bring candy, and we'd stay up really late ... eating candy AFTER having brushed our teeth! (A five-year-old's rebellious dream, right? LOL).

When I got older, like ten or something, I would take the bus from our home-town to my grandmother, who lived about one hour away - that was a big adventure for me! :-) My parents put me on the bus, and she'd come and get me, and I felt SO grown-up, having gone there all by myself!

I still miss her so much, even though it's been ... oh my God, it's been 16 years since she passed away!! I wish she knows how deeply appreciated and loved she was by everyone. I know we have a tendency to not express that clearly, and I know I didn't (I guess I could say I was "too young", even though I don't think that's really an excuse) - and I just wish she knows.

You are very loved and missed Grandmother!

Two Better Days ...

2011-06-02T22:13:00.003+02:00

Thankfully the last two days have been better! :)

Even though I got a bit of a late start yesterday, I got to Lund and ordered some books at the library and then got some studying done. I was supposed to get some computer work done as well, which didn't really work out - but I ended up talking to a few really nice people and that's always nice! :)

Today hasn't been that productive, although I have gotten a few things done I have been meaning to do for a while. I have spent a lot of time thinking though, which I think is really good.
I sometimes need to really stop and think and find thinking patterns that will help me achieve what I want and need in my life - and I needed such a session today! So even though I do feel a little "guilty" about not doing more than I have, I still think I had a pretty good day.

Tomorrow will be a pretty busy day - I'll have to collect two books from the University Library, then spend some time at the Department and then I have a whole bunch of errands to run ... It will be quite a busy (long) weekend, so I have to prepare for that as best I can as well!

Two Difficult Days ...

2011-05-31T21:31:00.002+02:00

I have been having two rather difficult days now - I'm really not in a great shape at the moment, and am mostly hoping for a better tomorrow now ...

Yesterday was mostly strange, and most of what I did felt weird and wrong and generally strange. What did work out was a meeting with Elisabet to write our mentor report! We have to summarize the work we have done during the semester, a little about statistics and how we have felt regarding the mentor meetings and such, and it felt good to get that done. Now all we need to do is print it out and sign it, and then hand that and a few other things in to our supervisor.

I had a really long day yesterday, and I wasn't home until after 7 p.m., completely exhausted and with a headache ... which I think mostly came from the feeling of not getting done what I had planned and hoped.

And then I made a mistake, actually without even knowing about it! I have recently found some blogs of really old friends or acquaintances ... Some people I knew when I was a kid and from school, and now some of them have gotten "family blogs". I read one of them yesterday and basically broke down completely. I had forgotten the fact that I'd heard they had gotten two cats a while back, Somalis, just like Zorro was. And now there were photos of one of the cats with their baby boy ... and it was Zorro!! I have always felt attracted to the Somali breed and I've seen pictures of LOTS and lots of Somali cats and none of them have even come close to looking a great deal like Zorro (even Zorro's brother, Zimba, didn't look like him that much) - but this was a copy! If you'd cropped the picture I couldn't for the life of me say that that wasn't Zorro!

I haven't had problems with seeing my own photos of Zorro since he passed away, but seeing this cat in a completely different context and somehow knowing it wasn't Zorro yet it looked JUST like him ... it just blew me away!

My headache almost turned into a migraine, and I didn't sleep at all ... maybe dozed a little ... and woke up with a really really severe headache that I haven't managed to get rid of all day! I have tried everything, and then some, but I'm still in pain ...:(
I was supposed to spend the entire day at Uni, as well as having lunch with Elisabet, but there was no way - I've basically spent the entire day in bed ...:(

There's not much I can do about it now, but it sure does mean that the rest of the day will be more complicated ... and now I'm mostly hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight AND that I won't be in this much pain tomorrow ... *fingers crossed*

Sunday Evening

2011-05-29T20:23:00.002+02:00

Oh wow, another week has gone! Time sure flies these days ...

This week was mostly dominated by Old Testament seminars for me. I went to one B.A. Essay seminar Tuesday morning and went through 11 interpretation seminars on the OT course! :) The intensity of those days is immense, but at the same time very very rewarding! Still, I think everyone was tired when we were done on Thursday afternoon! :)

I have to say I felt really sad to see this OT group go (all they have left is a written exam on Tuesday). I have grown attached to all the groups when I've been mentor but for some reason I seem to have bonded a bit more with this group as a whole group ... I think it might because I have actually managed to be at every lecture and seminar this group has had on the second part (i.e. since March 28) ... cool! :) (Though my mentor supervisor will probably be upset as she keeps telling I'm not required to attend lectures so much as she's sure it will affect my own studies *lol*)
Since I've become such an integrated part of this group I think it becomes clearer that this semester is actually over now ... well, basically anyway! I still have a lot of work to do on my master's thesis, and I have a meeting scheduled with the professor on June 16, so I guess I can't say it's "summer holidays" just yet ....

I took Friday off, I was quite exhausted and felt I needed a day off. The weekend hasn't been great though. Yesterday was okay I guess, I managed to get a few things done that needed doing - but I didn't feel well in the evening, and by the time I got to bed, all my thoughts were with Zorro. I get this horrible grief attacks, still, where I basically can't do anything at all, I just feel like I'm going to break down completely!
I didn't get any sleep at all (I dozed in front of the TV for an hour or so), and the thoughts have stayed throughout the day, combined with a lot of other things that at the moment is feeling quite complicated. I have run into some problems with my thesis now, and I don't quite know how to sort that out - this week is really short since Thursday is a holiday and I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with everything ... And I have a few other things that I basically have to fit into this week as well.

What has been most difficult today though, has been Zorro. Once I get into these thoughts and emotions, I can't seem to let go! I try everything (at least everything I can think of), I try to really allow myself to think about him and deal with the grief, but I can't do that forever either, and all that happens is that I feel worse and worse - and then I try to do things, get things done, partly in order to break my thought pattern, but also because I really need things to be done - but I just keep seeing and hearing and feeling Zorro, and I get nothing done ...

I dread the night to come, considering last night and how I've been feeling all day today - and I know I simply have to have an active day tomorrow ...

Good Day - Scary Ending!

2011-05-24T19:49:00.002+02:00

The title does sum up my day pretty much, but I guess I should elaborate a little bit. :-)

For some reason I couldn't sleep tonight, so I've basically been up since 2 a.m. - slept like half an hour on the coach in the morning, but that doesn't really count.
I went to Uni early and was there before 8 a.m. to attend a B.A. Essay seminar by a student who took the OT course last year and came to my mentor meetings. While I'm not in that seminary group I basically "know" (in a varied sense of the word, but still...) most of the people there.
It was an interesting seminar about an interesting essay, focusing on the monarchic thought in the Gideon-story in Judges - I've never really studied Judges before even though I knew the story, so the morning was quite interesting.

At 10 we started the OT seminar, there were four interpretations so seminars was going on 10-12 and 1-3 - all of them dealing with Gen. 3. We are all hereby experts on Gen. 3! *lol* Well, maybe not quite, but it was nice to get all of those interpretations on the same day. I very much enjoy these seminars, all the interpretations are so different and it's very interesting to listen in on the discussions going on! :)
After lunch, the teacher who had the first part of the course showed up and stayed for the two remaining seminars which was very nice indeed.

After the seminars I ended up in the middle of a fantastic discussion between the two teachers ... apparently this was not the first time they had debated like this, and it was done in an extremely friendly and fun fashion, but it was quite intense, and I felt a little like I was watching a tennis game, head moving from one side to the other! :-)
We stayed for over an hour, and as I was leaving Uni I met my former Greek teacher, which was really nice as I haven't seen him in a long time. We have a pretty distinct jargon amongst us, he think I'm silly to want to continue in OT and tries to convince me to "swap" to NT (where he works) and I stoically stand my ground and maintain that OT is fantastic ... :-)

I had just missed my train so I had to wait for almost half an hour for the next one before going home. I debated with myself whether to go grocery shopping on my way home, but I was really tired and it was getting late, and I figured I'd survive until tomorrow, so I took the first bus that came along.
On the bus ride I started reading the interpretations for tomorrow (I had only read through them quickly earlier), when all of a sudden the bus comes to a screeching halt!
Apparently a car had appeared out of nowhere and didn't stop, the bus didn't hit the car (which just disappeared) due to the sudden breaking, but it was quite a nasty experience! Bags and stuff were flying all over the bus and some people really got hurt! One lady hit her head pretty bad, and a young woman just in front of me took a really bad fall and ended up on the bus floor, her husband had to carry her to a seat!!
I'm okay I mostly got away with some cuts and bruises and a throbbing headache. The driver called the police but after a while he announced that all of us not wanting to press charges or report personal injuries could go to catch the next bus.
I was quite tense the entire bus ride, this really shook me up even though I wasn't injured!

I've been feeling exhausted all evening, so I'm going to turn in early. I haven't read through the interpretations for tomorrow as thoroughly as I would have wanted, but there's no way I can get through them tonight. Seminars don't start until 10 tomorrow and while I have some errands to run before that, I hope I can get a decent night's sleep and hopefully look through them tomorrow morning.

Moving On!

2011-05-23T21:23:00.001+02:00

Okay, new week ... but I have a feeling the intensity won't let up that much! :)

Today was a fairly "slow" day though. I did get up early, but I had a LOT of personal writing to go through. I try to change the way in which I write now, as I feel it would be beneficial to not go into so much detail, but it still took a long time to go through the end of last week.

I ended up having to cut my writing session in short, and I went to Lund and Uni around lunch time. Once I got to the Department, I started reading interpretation-texts, as the OT course are having seminars on their written interpretations this week.
I got through tomorrow's interpretation-texts and I also printed the B.A. essay I was supposed to read, before going home.

Unfortunately I've been REALLY tired this afternoon, so I haven't gotten as much done as I'd hoped today, but I guess that's not very strange considering last week was quite intense ....

I do need to "speed up", however, if I am to cope with the week to come.
Tomorrow I'm attending an OT B.A. Essay seminar, a student who took the OT course last year is presenting his B.A. Essay on Gideon and the Book of Judges, and I'd love to attend! After that, the OT course have their interpretation seminars, two interpretations between 10 and 12 and two between 1 and 3 - and the same thing applies for Wednesday and Thursday - and I'd really like to be at least a bit prepared for the seminars ... so yes, this week will be busy.
I also need to start hunting for Exodus commentaries - found a bunch of them on Amazon.com, so I really need to get started on my own work as well this week! :)

I apologize for the very short entry (some contrast to the last one, right? *lol*), but I'm SO tired now ... I'll try to get some sleep now, and get an early morning tomorrow instead!

Take care!

One Week ... Really?

2011-05-22T20:27:00.005+02:00

I can't believe all that's happened in just one week ... it feels like it would have been a month, at least. Still, most of it (almost all of it!) has been absolutely fantastic and totally outstanding, so I really feel I would like to go through the entire week here! :)
I'll give credit to those of you who are able to read through all of it, because I have a feeling this will be the longest blog entry I've ever made! LOL! :)

Sunday, May 15

This was a really difficult day for me! It was 6 months to the day since Zorro past away, and I still have difficulties dealing with that, especially during those days, when I tend to think of him more often and more intensely. I had a lot of things to deal with from the previous week as well, so I guess I didn't get anything productive done at all during Sunday, although I need times for thinking, reflecting and personal writing ...
Most things in my life are turning out fantastic now, but I can't help feeling I would have liked to share that with Zorro - because I know he could tell whether I was feeling good or bad. Lots of thoughts regarding Zorro, but I won't get into that now, I might save it for another entry later on.
Here are some old photos of Zorro I found when I was looking through my computer:

Monday

Monday was study day full stop!! I had to hand in a report to the OT professor "during Monday night" on my progress on the master's essay. Needless to say I stressed like an idiot the entire day and felt unprepared to the max.

In my defence, I did have a bit of materials to use, but naturally I hadn't started putting the report together ... and I started with that around lunch time! *oops* I realized I had to get some print-outs, and my printer at home is not really working, so I made the quite possible shortest visit to Uni ever! :) I arrived at the library at 12.50, grabbed a computer and got my print-outs, and was out of there again at 1.03! LOL!

I didn't do anything except wrote, wrote and wrote the entire day, and by about 10 p.m. I had almost 8 pages ... Let's just say I don't think I did a great job proof-reading the thing, but at least I sent it in!

Tuesday

Tuesday was an extremely intense day for me ...
We had lectures at 10 with the OT group, and they were having a seminary discussion on a book by W. Brueggemann (Unsettling God). I had really hoped to be able to read through it really quick before the seminar, but there was (obviously!) no chance of that!
I still got a bit out of the seminary discussion and it was quite interesting. I'm happy to see a course such as this, where there is a clear focus on the language, it's possible to do these kinds of things as well.
After the lecture I ended up in the library assisting some of the students with different things regarding the interpretation they were writing.

Once I got to sit down on my own, the anxiety about the SI-ceremony that afternoon hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't experienced that heavy anxiety in probably several years, and I was really feeling awful. Still, I knew there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but try to do the best I could with it. I was unsure of basically everything: I didn't know how the ceremony would be, I didn't know what would be expected of me (even though I had been assured I would not have to give a 'thank you speech' - which I was more than grateful for!!), and I wasn't even 100% sure of where the ceremony would take place (it was on another University Department, where I've only been a few times, a couple of years ago) ...
I ended up talking a little to my SI supervisor, as I was sitting just outside her room, and eventually we agreed we would walk to the ceremony together, and that helped my anxiety a lot! Just know I would go with someone I knew, wouldn't have to worry about finding the right place etc. helped me a great deal!

We met at 3 o'clock and walked together to the ceremony, and when we entered the auditorium my supervisor exchanged a few words with the man in charge of the whole thing, and she also introduced me. We took our seats and the ceremony started with a few introductory speeches, among those who came was Sven Strömqvist, who is Lund University's Assistant Vice-Chancellor!! After that we heard speeches relating SI (Supplemental Instruction) to not only Universities but also senior high school/college and also how you can use it when you go out to work in the world outside University - and we also heard a speech from two students who have worked within SI and had the opportunity to go to America to attend an SI conference.

After the speeches, it was time for the handing out of Diplomas, and first up were the Honorary Diplomas, which apparently was given to me and three other students. I had no idea how they wanted to do this, and when they said it would be done alphabetically I basically panicked - but I was so lucky, as there was one girl who came before me!! (Not often that happens.)
So anyway ...
We were called down in front of everyone, and got to listen to the nomination text that our supervisors had written when nominating us, and then we got our Diploma and a little present.
And I have to admit, I am proud of the fact that I went through with it, because this was a really big deal for me! The auditorium was in no way crowded, but there were enough people for me to feel really really anxious! But I did it! :)
It was a great relief to be able to get back to my seat and realize that most of it was over for my part, that's for sure.
After the Honorary Diplomas and been handed out, all the mentors who were quitting were given diplomas as well - but a lot of people who had said they'd come didn't show up, so things became a little bit awkward ...

There were snacks and drinks prepared afterwards, but first they wanted everyone who had gotten a diploma to gather near the entrance and we were photographed - and after that we were able to get snacks and talk to the others. Since I was completely shaky after the almost extreme tenseness I found it difficult to talk and be friendly, and I didn't stay long.
But it still felt amazing to have gone through with that day, that's for sure! :)

Wednesday

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the OT professor to discuss the report ... and since I emailed it so late on Monday night and my mind was somewhere else entirely on Tuesday I felt I needed to prepare for the meeting quite a lot. I went to Uni fairly early and printed my report and went over it, quite a number of times. I also met a lot of the OT students working on their interpretations and I also talked a little with my SI supervisor before heading up the professor on the third floor.

The talk we had went really well actually. We started talking "generally" when he suddenly interrupted our conversation, and realized he'd forgotten to congratulate me to the Honorary Diploma!! I didn't even know he knew, and SI feels a little bit like it's own "department" within the University, so I was quite surprised. He ended up giving me SO many lovely comments and compliments I was completely and utterly embarrassed!! I think the peak was when he told me how he had met Sven Strömqvist (the Assistant Vice-Chancellor who attended the SI-ceremony) at a conference earlier during Tuesday morning, and how proud he (the OT professor) had been to tell the Vice-Chancellor that one of his students was one of the recipients of the Honorary Diploma! *yikes!!*
I was (and am!!) SO flattered, but I really don't know what to do with myself when things like that come up, I have no idea what to say and I mostly feel really embarrassed!

We moved on to actually discussing my thesis as well, of course, and I think it was quite a rewarding chat. Most of the energy was done trying to decide what way I'm going to take right now, and that wasn't as easy as it sounds, actually. We had a good discussion, I felt I was able to step up a bit more than I have before, when I have mostly felt I've 'had to' just accept what he says as he knows so much more than me. This time I felt I could question what he said, and really get to the bottom of what was discussed, and that felt really good.
The outcome basically was to go into a few more scholars and their view on the objective I've set for my thesis - and also to get down to the Hebrew text and really start working on the relevant (some of them!) passages there ...

The meeting felt really good, from all kinds of angles, so I was in a really good mood when I was done - and I also met the teacher on the first part of the OT course, so we had a little chat, which was really nice! :)

Thursday

Thursday was actually sort of slow, as I didn't even have to get to Uni!! I did find out that my Mum would come for a short visit over the weekend, which was such a happy surprise!!! We have been talking about her coming here for a while, but it hasn't really been anything decided and she's been really busy and tired, and I've been really busy and tired. Now she found out that a co-worker and her husband was going to Helsingborg for the weekend, and my Mum could go with them, arriving on Friday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon!

I was really happy to hear that, and tried to get the apartment decent looking during Thursday (things like cleaning and such had been neglected earlier in the week, for obvious reasons!), but I was SO tired, I didn't get as much done as I had planned!

Friday

Friday was extremely intense!!!!
I was up at about 5 a.m. and started cleaning ... started doing laundry at 6 and was finished with everything in the apartment around 11. Took a shower and headed for Lund at 12, and had the final 'lecture' at 1. This was basically a summary discussion of the course, at first there was a general discussion and after that Elisabet and I had some SI evaluations to hand out, and the teacher would hand out the general evaluations as well.
We had a really good and constructive discussion regarding the course, the literature etc. when suddenly there was a knock on the door, and our SI-supervisor was there, asking if she could see me for a minute.
It felt a bit silly to just walk out (especially since the tables were arranged in a way that made me walk around the entire room to get out!), but when I got out it turned out that the evaluations we had been given to hand out to the students were 'out-of-date', new ones had just come, so I got them instead.
When I came back into the room, it was completely silent, which felt really strange. And suddenly, when I'm in front of the entire class, the teacher says: "Well, Jessica, now you have to tell us all about what it was like on the ceremony on Tuesday!"
And I more or less wished I could have fell through the floor ... I am genuinely and extremely grateful to have been given this, but I DO NOT like to stand in the centre of attention like that. I think I mostly stuttered something, I knew that some of the students knew I had been given it but not all of them ... and once I'd said something, probably completely incoherent, I got an applause from the entire class! *embarrassed again*

We handed out the evaluations and at 6 p.m. the teacher had a little party at her place for all the students, and the students on another OT course, as well as some other OT-people (both OT post-graduate students - one of them is the one teaching the first half of the OT course - and the OT professor) - and she asked me and Elisabet to help her out fixing food and such!
She had to pick up her children from school first, so Elisabet and I ended up in the library for a while, before meeting the OT teacher and her kids! :)

It was really nice to be able to help her out a little, she's a great lady and such a role model for I think most of the students she comes in contact with - and she's always been fantastic to deal with when it comes to SI, she's really interested and tries to help out as much as she can - and I think it's great to be able to do something outside the Department as well.

We ended up chopping and mixing and such for a few hours before the others showed up - and we had a great time. I really totally and completely feel like I have found my place here, and every time something like this happens, I feel it even more!
With the background I have, it's just beyond description to feel like I fit in so perfectly here ... I feel safe and secure and comfortable, even in situations that before would be extremely anxious, and I feel like people around me like me! Getting that kind of continual acknowledgement, constantly verifying that I do fit in and that people do like me - it's just such an AMAZING feeling!!

I was going to pick up my Mum in Helsingborg, so I had checked and had to leave the party about 20 to 8, in order to get to the train station in Lund and from there to Helsingborg. And that's another thing that is so fantastic about being where I am. Yes, I admit, I would have liked to stay longer, we had a great time, there were funny and interesting conversations, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I am NOT completely quite and tries to be invisible! But I feel SO comfortable in this situation, and so sure of myself and the fact that I will experience this again, that it is okay to leave a little early.
I am a little upset, because when I was getting myself ready a lot of others were starting to prepare to leave as well, and I felt the good-bye to the hostess became very quite and short ... but I'll be seeing her again next week, so I hope I can say a proper thank you then.
Just as I was leaving it turned out two other students had to get to trains/buses at the railway station, and one of the postgraduate students where going that way in her car, so I got a lift as well! :) Really kind!

When I got to the station my Mum called, she had already arrived in Helsingborg, but had to wait for me there ... but I don't think I've ever been so impatient during the train ride before! :) I just wanted to get there QUICK - and meeting my Mum was just FANTASTIC! It was quite a while since we saw each other, especially here! I was visiting my families when the bathroom renovation was going on, but didn't get that much time with my Mum - and during Christmas holidays she was sick a lot ... before that, yeah, she came down here for a quick visit just after Zorro had passed away, but that wasn't exactly a joyride ...

We took the bus home and spent some time talking - I didn't go to sleep until about 1.30 a.m. - so I'd been up and about and active and constantly doing things for about 21 hours! *yikes*

The Weekend

If you've managed to get this far in this extremely long blog entry, I admire you, and I will try to not be too detailed now. My Mum and I have enjoyed ourselves during the weekend, talked a lot, done a few outings and watched a few movies and mostly just enjoyed each other's company! :)
I went with her to Helsingborg this afternoon where she met her co-worker and her husband, and I just now heard she'd gotten home safe and sound!

Pheeeew!
Some week,huh?
But SO much of it has been SO fantastic, and I can hardly believe it myself ...
I have a busy week ahead again, but I hope to have some kind of energy when I get home every afternoon to keep the blog up to date, so I don't have to make another really long entry next weekend! :)
And credit to those of you who have made it to the end of this entry! LOL!

Stress!

2011-05-13T21:44:00.002+02:00

If I had to shortly summarize my life at the moment, I'd say: STRESS!
Yesterday was a really bad day for me ... While nothing bad happened - I did in fact had a good day - I just kept stressing out completely over everything, and that was quite rough! Things are definitely intense now, and next week - but today I've managed to slow myself down a little ... Deep inside I do realize that things won't work out better if I'm stressing around like an idiot!

Yesterday was basically lectures and lunch + mentor planning with Elisabet! Then I ended up talking to a whole lot of people, and I have such mixed feelings about that ... For SOOOOO long, the social arena has been the hardest part of my life, and I've felt that every time I've even had the slightest chance to do something in that area, I've had to take it. For years, I have prioritized "talking to people" over studies, which might sound really strange and borderline insane, but with the problems I've had, that was the right thing to do! I could always manage my studies one way or another - but the social interaction was a completely different story.

Things have obviously changed now (duh!!), and the social area is working like a dream, for someone with a background of about 25 years of social phobia!! And still, I can't quite change my priorities now ... I know that my social life, especially at the Department, is solid now, and if I dodge a conversation or two, it won't be the end of the world - so at this point in my life I really think I should prioritize my studies. But the need and satisfaction of actually being able to have a casual conversation that works out well, it's like drugs to me, I can't get enough of it, I just want more and more and more! :) I guess it's not that strange when you think about it - but now, it does cause these mixed feelings!
I don't feel I can give up and walk away from possible social interaction - and yet I feel bad for not studying enough...

Stressing out like I did yesterday made me completely exhausted, and while I really tried to get things done, it was virtually impossible. The last straw came late last night, when I finally got around to start my baking project (we had the last mentor meeting today), and I completely messed up two batches! By then, it was about 11 p.m. and I'd run out of ingredients - so I had to buy bread on my way to Uni today ... *sigh*

Today has been better, mostly I think because I actually managed to let go a little of the whole stress thing ...
I got some studying done at the Library in the morning and at 10 we had lectures. That was actually the last "real" lecture for the semester, which feels very strange. Next week it will only be lectures on Tuesday on Friday, and on Tuesday there will be a sort of seminary discussion on a book and Friday will be a "closure" of the course, general questions, evaluations etc. And the week after that has three full days of seminars (they're writing an interpretation of an OT text and have to defend it in a seminar) - and that's it. Then they only have the last exam left - and I've seen yet another batch of students struggle through this course! :)

After lectures today we had the last mentor meeting and I think it worked out well, I hope the students felt that as well.
I ended up talking a little to Elisabet afterwards, before heading home. I usually have a "down-period" around 3-6 p.m. every afternoon - but tonight I have gotten a bit of work done on the Covenant ....
I plan to study all day tomorrow - and then take Sunday as a "reflection-day". I way behind on my personal writing now and there are lots of things I need to deal with - and of course there will be a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions about Zorro that I will have to take on then, I've been trying to push them aside now, to cope with the week - but I can't do that too long, and I think Sunday is a suitable day to delve into that ...

Wishing all the blog readers a Great Weekend! :)

Tired ... But Happy!

2011-05-10T22:59:00.003+02:00

I've been really tired all day today, but I guess that's not very strange. I did get a bit more sleep than the previous night, but only about 3 hours and that's not nearly enough ... Also the heat, along with allergies, tend to really make me tired these days!

I went to Uni early this morning, I was there at 8, and ended up spending an hour talking to my mentor supervisor!! We had a really good chat, about different things, and it felt good to have discussed certain things I've been thinking about for a few days now!

Lectures at 10, this time starting with Psalms (apart from the guest lecture last Friday, which was also on Psalms). I think I managed to miss all the Psalm-lectures last year, so I enjoyed myself a lot this time! :)
After lectures I had a little chat with the teacher and I always enjoy discussing our subject, the possibility of adding new and exciting courses, what will happen in the new education system etc.! :)

I got a little bit of studying done at the Department before heading home, and once I got home I was almost overcome with exhaustion! I managed to pick myself up during the afternoon and at least I haven't waisted the entire day ...

I'm still very very happy about the Honorary Diploma ... even though it's taken me a while to really "get it". First of all, I never knew there was such a thing, until yesterday! :) And second, I've never really thought of SI and the mentor-thing in a larger perspective. I mean, I know it goes on at other Departments and Faculties at the University, but I've just been living in my little Hebrew bubble, enjoying going to lectures, having mentor meetings, talking to students and teachers and just "getting into" my subject ... so this came as quite a surprise! :)
I've been thinking quite a bit about this whole ceremony that's involved with me getting the Diploma ... At first, I felt there was no WAY I could do it, never ever - but at the same time, I know I have to start facing up to challenges more than I have before, and this would be the perfect opportunity! I've been working on it a lot during the day, and it helped a lot that I was able to talk to my SI supervisor! She did some checking too, so now I mostly know what will happen on Tuesday, and I really feel I have to at least have some idea of what will happen and what is expected of me, if I'm going to cope with it.
But I have basically made up my mind to go now, so unless something completely unforeseen happens between now and next Tuesday I will go through with it! *gulp*

It's getting late, so I'm off to bed soon, looks like I won't get that much sleep tonight either! *sigh* Ah well ...

What An Honor!

2011-05-09T21:47:00.003+02:00

Today has been a VERY strange day, and I'm basically exhausted now, so I hope you'll forgive this somewhat short entry ...

I didn't sleep a bit last night, I might have dozed off half an hour or so, but it was just impossible. At times I get stuck in my own mind, with Zorro, and it's basically impossible for me to get out of it...
The morning was a bit slower than I had planned, but at least I managed to get to Uni for lectures at 10 - interesting as usual! :)

After lectures I had "lunch" with Elisabet and we tried to make some plans for next mentor meeting - which will be the last one this semester *sob* Suddenly our mentor tutor came and asked me if I'd checked my email ... I was completely out-of-it and didn't understand what she meant.
It took me a while - and several readings of my emails - to grasp what was going on.
Apparently there is a yearly SI (mentor, Supplemental Instruction) ceremony with some lectures, the handing out of diplomas to mentors having quit etc. - I had gotten an email about it some time ago but figured I wouldn't go so I had basically forgotten about it.
Now it turns out that out of about 150 mentors at Lunds University, two are picked for "extraordinary achievements within SI" and they will also be awarded a diploma at this ceremony ... and I had not only been nominated, but also picked!!
*almost fainting now*

This just threw me off completely, it was totally unexpected and I still can't quite grasp it!! I mean, I really enjoy being a mentor, I enjoy both the mentor meetings and the lectures and the students - but I had never thought that it would go beyond that!!! I'm quite happy just poking around the Hebrew verb forms and that's it - but this ... quite amazing!! :)

I'm still not sure how I will actually be able to go to this ceremony and accept the award ... considering my background and my problems that still pop up ... but I guess I'll have to make one Hell of an effort to make a go of it, right?! :)

I have quite a bit to do before I can go to bed, and considering I basically haven't slept for 48 hours, I'd better get on with it. But I think I will return to this in future blog entries! :)

Weekend

2011-05-08T17:45:00.003+02:00

The weekend has been okay, I guess, though I'm constantly walking around with a feeling that I should do more than I do - and at the same time I'm very tired. To be honest, I don't think it's all that strange ... Every now and again, I feel allergies, even though I've never "officially" been diagnosed for it, and I tend to not cope very well with spring time in general. This year has been better than a lot of other years, but I think that's why I'm usually feeling tired.

I've been doing some cleaning and shopping and studying - just the usual stuff. I'm currently working on a rapport on my master's thesis, I have about a week left to work on it before I have to hand it in to the professor, so I really need to get into it. I've had a couple of really intense weeks now, so I feel I haven't quite been working on the rapport as much as I should have, so now I'm hoping this week won't be quite so intense. By the look of things right now, it won't be, so I hope not too many things will happen ... At this point, it's basically only OT lectures every day and that's only about 2 hours, so hopefully I'll be able to work quite a bit with my stuff as well.

Friday was a good day, and I think it gave me a kick of extra motivation, which is very needed at the moment.
The morning was fairly slow - a bit too slow I think, but I guess it's too late to worry about that now. Lectures weren't until 1 p.m. as we were having a guest lecture on Psalm Theology with the Old Testament Professor, Fredrik Lindström (who is my tutor). He usually gives this lecture on this course, and I've sat in on it both previous times when I've been a mentor on this course - but it is a great lecture and he is a very good lecturer - can't help but feel it's a shame he doesn't do it more!
The lecture was interesting as usual, and it was actually a lot of fun this year, as I remembered quite a lot and was almost anticipating what would come next! :) The lecture ended just before 3 p.m. and the regular teacher had prepared a little get-together (which ended up being coffee/tea and cake!!) in the teacher's lounge, so we all went there after the lecture.
We had a nice time and after a while I heard a discussion starting up regarding the lecture we'd just had, and Psalm 24 (which was the focus of the lecture) - and even though I sat at the other end of the table I tried to "take part" (i.e. "listen" - a bit hard trying to scream across a table full of people *lol*). Just in time for this the previous teacher, who had the grammar-part of the course arrived! He's extremely talented and knows I guess a dozen ancient languages - and the discussion turned out to be about how to interpret certain words and grammatical constructions. I really wish I'd gotten a better seat, but at least I could listen in on the conversation! :)

I ended up staying late (no surprise there *lol*) and left after about 1½ hours - got to talking to some people on the way out as well, which was nice.

And I have to mention something else - it's a bit funny but I find a deeper significance to it which is quite extraordinary for me personally.
At around 4 p.m. most of the people started to leave, as did the Professor - and he left with the words: "Well, Jessica, next year you can do this lecture!" :)
I figured there had to be some comment on the fact that I sat in on it for the third time (!), and I try to say that it'd be many years until I could do that! (But I'm taking to heart what one of the teachers said: "Be grateful for the vote of confidence!")
Naturally it was quite funny, and I know I've become that "geek" that always hangs around and has no other life besides the Old Testament - well almost anyway! I think what is extraordinary is that I'm so happy with that!! Ever since ... well, 10th grade or something, I have wanted to be like everybody else. I have always felt like an outsider, like an alien that doesn't fit in, and I've desperately tried to melt in with the crowd.
Now, in many ways, I do stand out - I am a bit of an outsider and an alien. I have an interest not many other students do. I'm interested in the general education system and what changes are taking place there - most students don't care as long as they get their degrees in the end. I am mentor, and while there are other mentors at the Department, there aren't that many of us. Maybe, the biggest difference of all: I want to stay on at the Department, at this Department - and most students can't wait to get out of there! :)
And even though all these things (and probably others as well) make me different from most people I am around, I feel fine with it. I can laugh about it and stand up for that!

I don't know, I feel like I'm mostly just rambling, and I find it difficult to express how much this does mean to me. I never in my life thought that I could find a place, so right for me, where basically everything clicks and works out and makes me feel good.

I still have issues, definitely, and I have a lot of things I need to work on to become a better person and more satisfied with my life - but there are SO many things in my life that are fantastic right now, and I never thought I'd experience that.

Deep blog entry ... I guess I should try to get back to reality now and get on with cleaning my bathroom! *lol*
I hope you all had a great weekend!

Intensity

2011-05-05T20:46:00.003+02:00

Oh my ... when I wrote my last entry I had my mind set on writing every day ... so much for that plan! :)

This week has been intense to say the least, one more day left and hopefully I can get at least a little rest and recreation during the weekend.
But here's a bit of a summary of this week so far!

I was at Uni before 8 a.m. on Monday morning to attend a seminar on a B.A. Degree essay on Ruth. Just being able to attend these things are amazing - if anybody had told me that five years ago there would have been absolutely no way I'd believed them! :) I actually had no business being in this seminar, apart from the fact that I knew the author of the essay, and the teacher on the OT course (where I'm mentor) was tutoring the essay ... it's supposed to be "open seminars", but I think it's not common at all to have people not in the seminary group attending the seminars. Luckily I knew the examiner for the essay who is also the head of the seminar, so I figured I'd talk to him. I met Anna, who wrote the essay, when I got to Uni and it was nice talking to her. The examiner came fairly early, and he's really nice so I think he was mostly happy (and a bit surprised!) that I wanted to join in the seminar. :)

The essay was really interesting and it was a good seminar with a lot of interesting questions and discussions. During the essay seminars I've been to before, there hasn't been that much discussions from the seminary group - it's been mostly a dialogue between the respondent and opponent and just comments from the examiner and tutor ... but there were a lot of relevant questions raised here which made the seminar even more interesting.

Right after the seminar we had a lecture on Isa. 40 - as usual very interesting!! I started talking to the teacher after the lecture and she had some papers I was going to get so I ended up following her to her room. On the way there we ran into one of the student counsellors and as there has been some trouble with some of my grades, he stopped me to say that he'd talked to the OT professor and apparently everything was sorted out now.
I talked a little with the teacher when suddenly the OT professor showed up ... I thought he wanted to talk to the teacher and she thought he wanted to talk to me! *lol*
Eventually I ended up trying to get some studies of my own done, but I ran into a friend and we ended up having a really long chat, so I didn't get that much done.

I went shopping during the afternoon and when I got home I had an email regarding the job I applied for at a theological book store ("Arken") ... and I didn't get it! :( Apparently they're not doing great at the moment and had decided not to hire anyone ... I was quite upset, not that I had expected to get it, but it was so definite and I know that sooner or later I HAVE to find a job, and it's difficult to find the balance between finding a job and completing my studies.
By chance I discovered that my Department at Uni, CTR, is hiring one person full time as a student counsellor and receptionist!! I was quite stunned, and almost panicked when I realized the last date to apply was on Tuesday!!!!
It was really late and I was exhausted when I found out, so I realized that I would have to deal with it on Tuesday!

I went to lectures on Tuesday but developed a severe stomach problem during the morning. Since it did pass during the day it must have been something I ate, but it was quite disturbing while it lasted, and I had to go home straight after lectures. During the afternoon I felt better and I did managed to check up on references and send an electronic application for the job! *gulp*
The job starts on June 1, so I guess it won't be that long before I know if I get it ... again this would be a job that would suit me to the ground - but I don't have very high hopes I'll get it (too inexperienced, I suspect!) - but I have gotten some lovely comments from people at the Department and that feels really great! :)

Yesterday I went to lectures, but had a severe headache all day, which messed up most of my plans ...:( I have great difficulties relaxing my back and shoulders and neck, and I suspect that's where the headaches come from - so I'm going to have to start working on that. I didn't get much done yesterday which really bothered me, because I do have a lot to do on my own essay!
I also had an "incident" during yesterday - I really don't want to talk about it here, but it was something that really disturbed me and that I had a very hard time letting go of (and still do!) ... so the headache didn't get any better because of that ....

Today was lectures again, a bit more discussions than text-readings today which was very interesting. While the students were discussing in groups I had an interesting little "grammatical" discussion with the teacher and I value that a lot ... I'm very interesting in theology, naturally, but more and more I notice I am genuinely interested in the Hebrew language as well! :)
After lectures we had a mentor meeting, today I had it on my own as Elisabet were unable to come. We talked a bit about the text-interpretations the students will start on soon, and while that is not quite my strong suit, I think the meeting went pretty well! :)

I went home after that, and I have again battled a headache today - but I have managed to get some cleaning done and also prepared a bit for tomorrow as lectures tomorrow are a bit special. The Old Testament Professor will give a lecture on the Theology of the Psalms and it's usually very interesting - he is a great lecturer! After the lecture there will be a little get-together and I'm sure it will be really nice! :)

Phew - some summary! :) Hopefully I'll be able to write more regular blog entries in the future!

Long Time No See!

2011-05-01T21:36:00.002+02:00

Not quite sure why there hasn't been any blogging lately - I guess I'll have to try to make sure May will be a better blog-month! :)

Last week was pretty tough for me, when basically everything went wrong. I've been feeling allergies a lot this week, and I've been very tired and had difficulty breathing at times - and I also went through a more or less chronic headache which started on Monday and ended last night ...

Two things actually made this week okay ... on Thursday afternoon I had a meeting at the University that went really well. I had my doubts about a lot of things regarding this meeting, but in the end I think it went exceptionally well, and I'm happy about that.

And of course, on Friday night I went to see Sara and Johanna, which was AGES ago!! We've actually tried to get together since January but it's been impossible to find a date that worked for all three of us. I didn't feel really well during the day (which included lectures and a mentor meeting - and a mentor tutorial which was at the same time as the mentor meeting - quite confusing!) - and I almost didn't make it to Sara as the bus I was on got stuck in traffic! But once I got there, I just had a blast!
It's amazing how it doesn't matter how long it's been since we've seen each other - we just hit it off right away, no matter what!! It's fantastic! Sara and I saw each other last summer, and we were all on Sofiero (with Martin and Per) in June, but the three of us met last January/February, after my birthday ... last year!! *yikes*
I also can't help but be amazed since Sara and Johanna were the first people I actually really started talking to and spend time when I came back to University studies - it's really cool that we've stayed such good friends!
We've had a lovely time with lots of yummy food - and even more laughing! *LOL* I had my mind set on not staying too long since I hadn't been feeling well ... but when I came home it was almost 1 a.m. - yikes! :)

Now I'm hoping for a better week ahead - it's filled with challenges for me personally which always tends to make me nervous, but there are a lot of good things involved as well, so I'm hoping it will turn out okay.
Tomorrow I'm attending a seminar where an essay (for a Bachelor of Theology Degree, I think...) is presented. While I'm not in this seminary group, the essay is in Old Testament Studies, on Ruth, and I think it's okay for me to attend! :)

Right after the seminar, there's a "regular" lecture in the OT course, this time on Isa. 40 - and I can't stress enough how interesting and rewarding these lectures are, I am always looking forward to them.

After that I'll spend a couple of hours working on my own essay (!), then I have to do some shopping and when I get home, hopefully, I'll have at least some energy left so I can keep up with my own work! :)

Not So Much

2011-04-17T21:42:00.002+02:00

Can't say that I have that much to write about today ...
Been spending most of the day reading the book for the OT lecture tomorrow - and I quite enjoyed it!! Since I won't take active part in the discussions I haven't read every detail of the book, but what I grasped of it, I quite liked. I am very much looking forward to the discussions tomorrow!

Other than that I've been doing some cleaning and trying to sort through what is up for next week.
On Tuesday I have a meeting with the OT professor regarding my master's thesis, and I hope it will be a good meeting. I am working on it now as well, but I need to work out a lot of practical details now and it's also good to get the whole writing process more structured.

On Wednesday the construction workers are coming back! *SIGH!* Apparently there's something they haven't done yet, but I plan to stay well away from home ... I'm in for a full day at Uni on Wednesday and hopefully everything will be sorted out by the time I get home. The OT students have their first exam on Wednesday morning, so I might be able to be there for some moral support as well! :)

And then it's Easter Holidays! I'm not that into holidays overall (I mostly don't like them!) and I don't have anything planned, so hopefully I can get some work done on my thesis and also look ahead a bit at what the OT course will deal with - they start reading Isaiah the week after Easter, and those texts are quite difficult, so I'm hoping to spend some time on that too ...

Trying ...

2011-04-16T22:02:00.002+02:00

I had a pretty horrible night after a difficult day yesterday - so it took me a while to get going today.
I have still been feeling very sad about Zorro today but I am constantly trying to get things to work anyway. The problem is that every time I even think about him, I completely fall apart ... and I don't want to go on without thinking about him!! And I still can't allow myself to continuously fall apart either ... quite a dilemma ...

I have been doing some cleaning and some laundry today, and I've also spent time reading the book by Levenson that the OT students are having a seminar on on Monday. It's really quite interesting and I have a feeling I'll grasp a bit more of the ongoing discussions if I have actually read the book ...

Apart from that, not much has been happening ... I talked to my sisters (and my Dad) earlier tonight, and it's good to hear from them every once in a while. Apparently they had started taking out Easter decorations and my youngest sister had a great long monologue about two chickens .... I didn't understand half of it really, but it's great just hearing from them!

I'm hoping to finish cleaning tomorrow, and also finish Levenson's book, so I can get some work done on my master's thesis as well - I'm having a meeting with my professor next week so I need to get a bit of work done for that meeting as well.

5 Months - Difficult Day

2011-04-15T22:46:00.004+02:00

Today it's been exactly 5 months since Zorro died ... and while I realize some people may think I should be over this now, I'm not! I can function, I can go through certain parts of a day without thinking about him, or how much I miss him - but whenever I do think about him (and I do, a lot - and I don't want to stop!) it feels like someone is cutting my heart open with a knife!

Five months is quite a long time - and yes, in most aspects of my practical life I am getting used to him not being there. It's not the same torture to come home alone now, with no one waiting for you at the door, with no one demanding your attention, with no one feeling happy that you are home again. And I can sleep in the bedroom now, which was completely impossible the first month after his death - I can go to bed alone now ...
But the knowledge that I will never ever see him again, never hear him, never feel him, it's just killing me - it's tearing me up inside and it is a wound that is nowhere near healing yet.

Unfortunately (I guess) I had a pretty heavy day today! While I do love what I'm doing at the moment, and I generally feel things are working out now, better than before, I can't help but wish I could have had a day today where I didn't have to do anything.
I had a slow morning, which I think was good, I needed to prepare in order to cope with this day.
I went to Uni around 10 and met Elisabet when I got to the Department! We fixed the coffee and stuff for our mentor meeting and we had lectures at 11. These texts are really interesting and there were also some grammatical issues raised. I'm usually very interested in that and I feel I do know a fair bit of Hebrew grammar now - but I felt these issues came at the wrong time ... I was completely off today and I think I could have done a lot more of it if I had been feeling better.

At 1 we had the mentor meeting and our mentor supervisor came to visit, she stayed for about half of the meeting. The attendance has improved which is so much fun, both last week and today we had seven students which is amazing (there were a few meetings where there were two of them!) and it opens up for really constructive discussions! Overall I felt the meeting went really well, and it was a nice balance between the students own initiatives and our planning - and hopefully the students got something out of it too!

After the meeting I managed to get a book I've been wanting for a while now, and the timing couldn't have been better. It's a book the OT students have to read, called "Creation and the persistence of evil" by Jon Levenson. I really should have read it last year, for the essay I was writing, but I didn't have the time. I think the theme is really exciting and it so happens that the OT course will have a seminar on this book on Monday. It's been a bit difficult to obtain, but I managed to get it today, so with a bit of speed reading over the weekend, hopefully I can follow the seminar discussion on Monday, even though I'm not supposed to take active part in it!

I haven't gotten anything done this afternoon, but considering what day it is and how I feel, I'm not surprised, and I'm not beating myself up about it either ... I guess all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow! Naturally, all the feelings I have for Zorro are still there, it's just that on special occasions or when I really think about him or come across something that really remind me of him, I tend to loose control completely!
I can make things work if I don't think about him, but every time I do, I go to pieces. And I don't want to go the rest of my life actively trying to not think about him ...

I did get a text message from Sara and Johanna tonight, they wanted us to finally get together again!!! YAY! It was ages since we saw each other and it always seems like one of us can't make it if we plan something! At least it seems like we can all meet on April 29 and I'm SO looking forward to that!!!

I don't really think I'll get any sleep tonight, but I'm hoping for some constructive personal writing will help, at least it gives me a chance to really vocalize what I feel and hopefully make some sense of it. Even though it doesn't make my feelings go away, it tends to make it easier to deal and cope with them ...

I found this graphic when I was going through all my computer files to transfer to my new computer ... I had actually forgotten I had made it, but now I love it - even though it breaks my heart to know that the team is now broken up ....

Swedish Championships - YAY!!

2011-04-14T22:11:00.003+02:00

I'll start off with the really good news - my favourite Swedish ice hockey team, Färjestad BK, just won the Swedish Championships! YAY!! While I'm not quite as into ice hockey now that I was say five years ago, I still feel strongly for my team, and I'm most pleased that they won!

Apart from that I have once again battled a headache today - not quite sure where all of these headaches come from but they are starting to really annoy me now ... I need to keep busy now, I have soooo much I need to do and I need to keep at it more or less constantly - and that won't work if I day after day after day keep getting these headaches!!

I took a short trip to Uni, only to attend the lecture - and that was time well spent despite the headache! Nothing revolutionary happened, but everything just felt really good. I got to talk to some nice people, it was - as always! - a very interesting lecture and I had a few words with the teacher afterwards as we have a mentor meeting tomorrow and the students take their first exam on the course next week.

The afternoon wasn't that great, I still felt the headache and I was just completely exhausted for some reason - which made me doze off on the coach only to get up in an even worse mood as I felt I had waisted the entire afternoon!

Tonight was a bit better considering the outcome of the hockey game! :)

Tomorrow is basically about OT lecture and mentor meeting. I'll be doing some baking for the meeting in the morning, and I'll probably go straight home afterwards - but I'm hoping to get a bit done during the afternoon - as these frequent headaches this week has made me fall behind a bit.

More Headache - More Exodus

2011-04-13T21:43:00.002+02:00

Seems like today was very much like Monday ... though the headache did develop gradually, I didn't wake up with it!

I ended up being late this morning, but I was at Uni around 9 a.m. this morning, and got a bit of work done before lectures at 10.
These lectures are really interesting to me, as we're now studying the Sinai covenant - and I'll be writing about an aspect of that in my master's thesis. :) Unfortunately, starting right after lectures things started going wrong.
I won't be boring and list everything, but it seemed like whatever I did, it turned out wrong... *sigh*
I did manage one thing today, which was to figure out how a wireless internet connection is supposed to work! We are supposed to have wireless internet at Uni, logging in with our student IDs - but I have never gotten it to work for me. Since I have a brand new computer now I had my mind sent on getting it to work. It took quite a while (not as easy as typing in your student ID and password, which I had hoped!) but in the end I got it to work! Yay!

My headache developed gradually and I got about an hours work done after lectures before giving up and going home!
I have spent the entire afternoon trying to get rid of my headache, and finally I think it's actually gone. As usual I don't sleep well these days, but I guess I can at least hope for a good night's sleep and that I'll feel better tomorrow!

Parting the Red Sea!

2011-04-12T21:22:00.002+02:00

I couldn't help the title - and it always makes me think of a quote from Stargate SG-1, the season 8 episode "Reckoning (part 2)" (I think ...?), where Sam (Amanda Tapping) says:
"You know, you blow up one sun and everyone expects you to walk on water ... next up, parting the Red Sea!"
*LOL*

Anyway, since I feel like I'm more or less living in Exodus right now, I felt the connection made sense ... sort of! :)

I went to Uni fairly early today, I was there about 8.20 and got about 1½ hours work on my master's thesis done - reading an article on how to connect the Hittite suzerainty treaties between the Hittite king and his vassals to the Biblical mosaic covenant. Quite interesting!

At 10 there was an OT lecture, this time focusing on ... parting the Red Sea! *lol* (which, of course, never was the Red Sea, but I guess it's easier to refer to it that way because most people know what it is). Another very interesting lecture, and I'm even more looking forward to the rest of the lectures this week, as those texts will focus more on the covenant at Sinai and the ten commandments - and I'm doing my master's thesis on the covenant! :)

After lectures, Elisabet and I had lunch and planned the mentor meeting on Friday. It's a lot more difficult to find things to do on this part of the course, but I think we came up with a good plan, so hopefully the students will get something out of it as well.

Then I went to the library to get some more work done, but I quickly realized I need to work on my computer now, and of course I hadn't taken Sammy with me (as I'm dragging lots of other stuff these days - including two Bibles!) ... I guess I'm going to have to take him as well in the future. I do need to find a "bag" or something, to carry him in though. I have one, which is really good, but it's quite huge and it's quite difficult to get the computer in and out of the bag - and if I have to take it with me every day I feel I should look for something a bit smaller and easier to handle ... Guess I'll have to keep an eye open for that ...
I ended up going home early and I have gotten some work done tonight, although you always feel like you could do more!

I'll finish on the same theme I started with, Stargate SG-1 - some old graphics! And I guess you can tell my favourite character/actress is Sam Carter/Amanda Tapping?! *lol*
Enjoy!

Headache and Exodus

2011-04-11T21:43:00.003+02:00

While the title may appear strange, my day has basically focused on these two things! :)

I woke up with a headache, which made me change my original plans for the day. I went to Uni for a lecture on Exodus 3, as it is a very exciting text - but I didn't have the energy to stay and study after the lecture, so I went straight home.
I tried to cure the headache and eventually managed, although it took most of the afternoon. I have gotten some cleaning done tonight, and I went on a really long and absolutely lovely walk! I haven't been since mid-autumn I think, and I had forgotten how wonderful it can be! Lovely spring weather, about 15 degrees (C) and the sun setting creating gorgeous colours! I was out for about 1h15min which was a lot longer than I had intended - but I think it did me good.

The headache is almost gone now, but I am feeling rather tired and numb. I'm hoping to get a bit more sleep tonight and hopefully I'll feel all better tomorrow.

I did take some photos on my walk but I haven't transferred them from the camera to Sammy the Computer yet. I have (earlier) managed to finally move and organize all my files and images on Sammy, so I'm going to share some old graphics with you instead - these are from The Lord of the Rings movies!
Enjoy!

And here are a few graphical variations of the same Gandalf-graphic ... hope you like them!

Week - Weekend

2011-04-10T22:00:00.002+02:00

This week seem to have been the opposite of last week - as in, the week worked out well, but the weekend hasn't felt quite as good.

I am feeling pretty good, generally speaking, right now. I think I'm finding a routine that is working for me, I am trying to sort out a lot of things in my life that hasn't been working out well for a long time and so far, I'm seeing positive results! :)
I can't swear this will last forever, and naturally there are times when things aren't feeling great - but all in all, I think I'm back on track and can make things work out in a good way now.

I'm keeping pretty busy now, but I am enjoying what I do and I think I can make in work. The main thing is my master's thesis of course, which unfortunately were almost put completely to a halt with everything that went on at the end of last year and the beginning of this one - and it feels really good to get back into it.
Aside from that I am trying to follow the Old Testament course where I am mentor. I have "followed" it my previous years as mentor as well, mostly because it makes it a lot easier to plan and lead mentor meetings if you know what has been going on at the lectures, but I have never made an attempt to really follow it - and I think maybe now I do. This is most likely the last time I will have that opportunity so I have decided to take advantage of it, at least as much as possible. There is no way I could find the time to read the literature (especially since it's not the same literature as it was when I took the course), but I have this far attended all the lectures (and I hope I can keep it up in the future as well) and I'm trying to go through the Hebrew text for each day - which is really great! I haven't worked with text in that way in about two years, and I'm enjoying it a lot - and learning a lot as well!

Apart from my studies I am making an attempt at a more healthy life style in general ... I have tried this on numerous occasions before, without much success - I usually try and when I run into the first or second real obstacle I give up ... This time I have managed to hold on it a bit longer than before and while I can't say that I can see an amazing difference, I am noticing little things - and so far they are enough for me to want to keep trying!

All in all, I am feeling really good right now! There are still things I have difficulties with, naturally - some of them are more personal than others.
One thing I haven't managed to get to the bottom of yet is sleep. For some reason I'm not sleeping well at all now, and I haven't for quite a while ... I can't go to bed without being completely invaded by memories of Zorro, which means I basically can't fall asleep. During the weekend I've been able to sleep in in the mornings, but during the week I usually don't get more than three, maybe four hours - and that's pretty rough. I'm not sure why this has come right now, but I guess these things happen, right? It's not quite as bad as directly after Zorro's death - for several weeks I couldn't sleep in our bed, so I slept on the couch - but it reminds me of those weeks now because it usually takes me several hours, and then some, before I fall asleep.

But apart from a few things I have a good feeling inside - which is actually quite surprising! I usually don't feel well during spring time, I tend get into spring depressions and I don't cope with things very well. I guess it's early days yet, but I'm grateful as long as I am able to feel this way, and I will give everything I can to keep it that way.

It's high time I went to bed (as it takes me so long to fall asleep) as I have an early morning and a long day tomorrow - but I'm looking forward to tomorrow's lecture on Exodus 3 - the famous passage where God reveals his name to Moses ("I AM WHO I AM", Exod 3:14, NRSV)! Very exciting!

Weird Week - Better Weekend

2011-04-03T21:16:00.002+02:00

This last week felt strange in many ways - as a lot of things actually were really good, but I still kept feeling very bad the entire time (well, almost anyway).
I can't go into detail, mostly because I am confused about it myself, so I guess I'll just try to put this week behind me and hoping for better - and less confusing! - times ahead!

The weekend has, surprisingly, worked out really well. For several years I have had some difficulties with weekends, but this one has been really good actually. I have gotten a lot of things done, and even though I feel I am in a place where I can always do ten or twenty or two hundred times what I am doing - I feel quite content with what I have gotten done.

Unfortunately the plan I made yesterday won't quite work out ... things ended up taking a lot longer than I thoughts, so in order to make next week work out in a good way I think I'm going to have to revise my plan a little. But I guess that's not the end of the world either, right? :)

I will spend the entire day tomorrow in Lund ... studying, copying and printing, handing in some complements to my job application, attending an OT lecture, more studying and yeah ... studying! :)
At least that's the plan ...

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Better Day

2011-03-29T22:42:00.002+02:00

Today was at least better than yesterday - thanks for that!

I got to Uni really early and managed to get a bit of studying done when I got there. Unfortunately it was a bit difficult to concentrate at times, as construction workers were drilling or doing something, just outside the library - they seem to be following me!! *sigh*

We had an OT lecture at 10, on Genesis 12. These lectures are so interesting, I'm really happy I get the chance to attend if not all so at least most of them!
I started to feel a headache coming on, again - so I went to the Pharmacy and managed to control most of it anyway! Then I spent some time in the library, finishing off the schedule for the mentor meetings on this part of the course, printing some things and I got a little bit of studying done before heading home.

When I got home I felt SO tired, I basically collapsed in front of the TV for a while - not quite sure why I'm always so tired these days, but I guess the fact that I really don't sleep well at all now could have something to do with it!
I did manage to pull myself together though, and got a few hours of studying done tonight, as well as some general cleaning/clearing.

All in all, this has been a pretty good day! :)
Also, when I saw the blog had reached 32,000 visitors, it got even better! :)

Headache ...:(

2011-03-28T19:35:00.002+02:00

Today didn't exactly go according to plan.
I had a full day at Uni planned, including some work on my master's thesis, working on a project I'm doing and attending the first Old Testament lecture on the second half of the course.

It started out fine, though I arrived a little later to Uni than I had planned. But I got in about an hour's work before the lecture started at 10, and it was a nice introduction to this course, I hope to be able to attend as many lectures as possible during this course.
Unfortunately I started getting a headache during the lecture and it quickly got worse, worse and worse - and I realized I had to get home. Unfortunately I had just missed a train, so I didn't get home until 2 p.m. - managed to get something to eat and some painkillers and basically collapsed on the couch!!

The headache got better, but hasn't disappeared completely yet! :( I managed to get a couple of hours of studying done, but it didn't feel great since I was in constant pain the entire time! I'm hoping for an early night, NO headache tomorrow and a better day tomorrow!!

Thinking, Reflecting and Cleaning

2011-03-27T22:16:00.002+02:00

Well, the title pretty much sums up the last few days for me. :)

I've been doing quite a lot of thinking and reflecting about things, I need to do that every once in a while if I'm not to get lost and loose focus in my life - and while I have found it difficult to really take the time to do that (I tend to write, a lot!) these past few months, I've had some pretty good sessions now - and hopefully that will do me good in a longer perspective as well!

I have also managed to make a really thorough apartment cleaning this weekend! I'm not done with everything, but at least I don't have that much left, and hopefully I'll get through those bits and pieces during the week to come.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a more intense period now, and I honestly think I'm up for it now! 2010 ended really badly, and 2011 haven't started out all that well, but I am really starting to feel better in a lot of areas, and hopefully that will continue, and I will be able to apply my thoughts and ideas on the more practical aspects of my life now.

Bringing all this down from this abstract level: Tomorrow I'm going to have to find the construction workers as there are things not working out - STILL!! They're not even in my building any more but apparently things can still go wrong! *sigh*
After that I'm off to Uni as the second half of the Old Testament/Hebrew course starts tomorrow - and hopefully I can spend the afternoon doing some work on my own.

Oh, and I have to say: I love my new Sammy computer! We get along sooo well! *lol*
I've managed to download/install most of the programmes I usually use, and it has worked like a charm. I had the "old" Office package, Office 2007, which is really for Windows XP and Windows Vista, and Sammy has Windows 7, so I wasn't sure if that would work : But it did! :)
Also have an old version of Photoshop that I love using for digi.scraps and graphics, and it worked like a charm here as well. I even managed to get a whole lot of brushes from my really old computer onto this one (I didn't even have them on my old laptop!) so I hope to have time for some scrapping and graphics soon! :)

Roller Coaster

2011-03-24T19:37:00.003+01:00

This week has truly felt like a roller coaster, going up and down the whole time - so I guess it's not so strange I'm feeling completely exhausted right now.

Monday was a pretty good day - I went to Uni early and went to visit the book store when they opened, with my job application. I talked to the boss, who was really nice and friendly. However, they will not require any new personnel until early summer or so, at the moment there are a lot of renovations going on and they are moving temporarily out to barracks ... Still, I would really really LOVE to work there ... At least I've handed in my application now, I also have to hand in my references when I get them together (that's been a bit complicated ...), and then I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed!

Back at Uni I ended up talking to my mentor supervisor, I had only a few questions but it turned into quite a discussion, which in the end was a really good thing.
I met Elisabet and we prepared for the mentor meeting which took place at 11.30. While there aren't a great number of students, I think the meetings work out fairly well now. We got some good discussions going and I learned a lot from the meeting too.
After the meeting it was time for the last lecture on the first course ... Time sure has flown by quickly, half the semester has gone - amazing! It was an interesting lecture with lots of questions, but I was quite tired and went home almost as soon as the lecture was over.

Tuesday was a really horrible day - for various reasons! It's not something I want to go into, but I felt really awful all day ...

Yesterday I was able to take it easy during the morning, and went into Uni around 10. I met some friends there and at 12, me and Elisabet had lunch with the teacher teaching the second half of the OT-course. We had a great lunch with interesting conversation, it was exciting to be able to discuss the course, the best way to schedule lectures etc. After all, it's what I want to do on my own some day! :) I talked to Elisabet a while afterwards, before heading home.
I got a text message saying my new computer had arrived and in the afternoon I went to pick it up. Unfortunately when I got to the bus stop this kind of creepy guy came up and kept talking to me ... Apparently he'd lived in my neighbourhood before and "recognized me" ... eh? It just gave me a really creepy feeling so it felt good when I got home.

I started unpacking the new computer and it does take a while to get it started and up to speed on everything, but so far, I'm VERY happy with it. I'm usually not a person who tend to "name things" but my new computer has been given the name Sammy (it's a Samsung) ...:) I also realized that my new little camera is a Samsung, so I guess it will be Sammy Jr.! LOL!

I stayed home today as I had some issues to sort out with my landlord ... it ended up being a bit more complicated than I had thought, but I think it worked out in the end. I have also spent some time with Sammy, installing programmes and configuring him to my liking! :)
I am however, completely exhausted tonight, I guess it's because this week has been filled with ups and downs ... I'm hoping for an effective day tomorrow, though I can't give any guarantees - I tend to sleep really really poorly now, and that always makes it tough to be really efficient ...

A New Friend

2011-03-20T19:28:00.002+01:00

Yes, here's the newest addition to the household, I'm very much hoping we'll be friends. :)
Since my laptop has decided to quit on me - or rather, the keys are dead, but a computer is not very useful if you can't type anything, right? - I have ordered a new one. I tend to get nervous over larger purchases and constantly ask myself whether I've made a good decision or not, so until I actually get it, I will probably be a bit nervous and anxious.
From what I can tell, I think it's a pretty good computer. I can only afford so much, especially since this was not planned, so I hope I got a good deal on it ...
Delivery is estimated at 1-3 days (!) so I'm hoping I'll get it during the week, and hopefully it will work out and I can have it in order by the weekend! *fingers crossed*

Quite Intense

2011-03-20T09:07:00.003+01:00

The end of the week was actually quite intense for me.
On Thursday I went to Lund fairly early and managed to get a few errands done in town before heading to the Department. I sat there working on a "personal project" (there are actually two of them, but they are kind of linked together) - stuff that I do when I feel like doing something but don't quite have the energy to work on my master's thesis.
I met a few friends and it worked out well.

During the afternoon I ended up checking the internet and I found a job I really-really-really-really-really want ... and yes, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'm guessing there will be a LOT of applicants.
They have this amazing theological book store in Lund, they have all the theological as well as Christian literature and a lot of other stuff too. They're looking for people to work there now, among the possibilities was a part time (50%) job working with various tasks in the store. That would be SO perfect, it's something I think I actually qualify for despite the fact that my education is really narrow, the times suit me to the ground. I'm trying to fix a job application today so I can go and speak with them tomorrow! :) *fingers crossed*

There were OT/Hebrew lecture late on Thursday, 3-5 p.m. but it was an interesting lecture. There were some talks about strange looking vowels at the end of the lecture, and I had actually seen a strange looking word earlier. I thought I'd ask the teacher about it (though I was a bit nervous, usually it's something really really simple that I just haven't thought of). Turns out he was intrigued about it as well and we ended up doing a short excursion to the Library to find out what this was all about. And luckily we found the answer ... :)

I was really tired when I got home, but I didn't sleep much as I had a big challenge to take on on Friday. Since I don't have an income now, I'm living on money I've inherited and saved, and obviously that can't go on forever - so I need to find a job ... and yesterday I had planned to go to the employment office to find out ... just basic rules and regulations, I guess.
These are things I still have difficulties with, things like this generate a lot of anxiety and I worked on this for most of the morning. Around lunch time I managed to get there, and even though the visit didn't give me much information I hadn't already guessed, it felt good to at least have taken on the challenge. I also think I know how to go from here ... I need a bit more information before making any real decisions though.
And of course I'm REALLY hoping for the book store job, which would be amazing!

Yesterday I had planned a really constructive day, catching up on things I haven't felt I've had the time for - but unfortunately that didn't happen. For various reasons, I didn't feel great at all, and that day just went by me. I'm not very happy with that, but I know it happens on occasion. I think I'm feeling a little better today, so I'm hoping to get a lot done today instead - especially since tomorrow will be a VERY intense day!

Ups And Downs

2011-03-16T21:52:00.002+01:00

A day of mixed feelings, I think.

This morning I went to Malmö, to visit a friend of mine. We haven't seen each other since last summer, and it was wonderful meeting her, and her two young boys, again. I had never met the youngest boy, who is only about a month old (cute!!!) and it's been a long time since I saw the oldest boy too - so it was great meeting them again.

I had to be in Lund for a lecture at one, so the visit was cut a bit short - hopefully we'll be able to see each other soon again. I got to the railway station, only to find they had a problem with an electrical cable ... a biiiig problem.
Apparently no trains could go through Malmö Central station, and while I guess I can understand that these things happen on occasion, the information we were given were next to non-existent!
Basically they said that there was going to be a great amount of train delays .... they also said they would replace the trains with buses - but not a word about where these buses would depart from, or when!! I went around the entire Central station (which was rebuilt about three months ago) and I finally found the place where the buses would depart from - but it took almost an hour before any buses headed toward Lund arrived.
I finally got on one, and got to Lund, but arrived at the Department too late!! I knew I had missed the first part of the lecture, but had hoped to join the group during the break. No such luck as even the second half of the lecture had begun when I got there... very annoying!!

I spent some time at Uni and I got to talk to some friends while I was there, which in part made up for the whole train-mishap. I was about to go home at 4 p.m. - but since trains were having problems in Malmö, the same thing applied in Lund. I did get on a train, which was SOOO crowded - and late - and managed to get home ....

I haven't had much energy to do anything tonight, meaning I have quite a few challenges to face up to tomorrow and on Friday!
Which means, I really should try to get some sleep now ...

A Difficult Day

2011-03-15T22:30:00.002+01:00

There are days
There are days when your life clouds over
and the world gets so dark
that all at once you can't tell night from day

There are times
When your heart cries this isn't happening
But the truth is cold and real
and I know the storm
won't go away
"Now that I've seen her", Miss Saigon

Yes, today has been a difficult day, as it has now been four months since I said my last good bye to Zorro.
I am trying to cope with my grief, but it's not easy. I honestly had no idea this would affect me as much as it has, while he was still alive I know I kept telling myself that he was old, if something happened to him - which it was bound to do sooner or later - I wouldn't hesitate because he'd had a good, and long life ... but now afterwards there are so many other emotions involved.

Even things that felt completely clear right after he passed away are now more difficult to handle. I know I felt I had made the right decision for everyone involved but now I'm starting to wonder. Maybe I should have discovered something sooner ... maybe he was in pain ... maybe I didn't take my responsibility 100%.

I find it difficult to express my feelings and I have realized, even more after Zorro passed away, how extremely different people feel and react to various things. I'm not only talking about grief now, even though that is what I'm dealing with now, but in basically everything everyone reacts differently. I think I have gained a deeper understanding of that, and also a respect for that variety - but it also leaves me feeling very much alone. As I tend to feel I don't understand how most people around me react and deal with things, I can't expect them to understand me either ...

I won't delve to deeply into all of this as it tends to be very abstract and not say much of anything. I have spent most of today thinking of my darling, of course, even though I took a short trip to Uni to attend the Hebrew lecture, which provided me with at least some distraction.

Last night I dreamed we were together,
Sharing all the love we've known;
Till I had to face the nightmare,
Of waking up alone.
"On the Inside" (Theme to 'Prisoner: Cell Block H')

A Strange Day

2011-03-14T21:56:00.002+01:00

Today has been really strange, and I'm not sure what to think right now.
On a practical level, things have been fine, good, no worries - but despite that, I feel awful. Very frustrating! If there's a reason for me not feeling great, I know what to work on and I can hopefully find a way to feel better - but when I can't even realize what the problem is ... what can I do?

This morning I went to three New Testament lectures on the theme, "The Gospels as Biographies" - very interesting. While I'll always be more interested in the Old Testament, Bible studies overall is quite fascinating.
After lunch it was time for a Hebrew lecture which was quite interesting as well.

Still, some things didn't feel right, I was supposed to get certain things fixed and organized and that didn't happen, which of course will have consequences. It all feels like a mess and despite a fair bit of personal writing tonight I still haven't made much sense of this day. I'm getting too tired for it now, but since the construction workers get going at 7 a.m. I hope to sort a few things through tomorrow morning ...

I kind of have tomorrow "off" - there's a mentor meeting but this time it's Elisabet's turn to lead it on her own. I just might, if it is convenient, go to Lund for the lecture in the afternoon - as it will cover a group of verbs I tend to have a lot of difficulties with, when it comes to translating texts! I still haven't made up my mind yet, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow ... (which I know will be difficult for me, but at least then I know why ...)

Bit of Bad News ...

2011-03-13T20:32:00.002+01:00

Can't say this weekend has been really great, unfortunately ...
Basically a bad incident on Friday spoiled most of it - and even though I know I shouldn't let things affect me too much, but sometimes I do find it difficult.

I was working on my laptop, sipping a drink (yup, I know, no eating or drinking near a computer ... *sigh*). The construction work was going on but since I've had my own lock installed again, I felt quite relaxed despite a lot of drilling and hammering ... until they dropped something HUGE outside my apartment! Don't ask me what it was but it sounded gigantic. I leaped in the air of course, knocking over my drink ... which poured all over my laptop! NOT GOOD!

I've been doing what I can to try to get it to dry, but so far no luck! The computer works, in itself - but none of the keys work ... making it impossible to work with it or even log in. I have been told to be patient, so I guess I should give it a few more days before giving up - but it's more than frustrated.
I did managed to bring life back into my old computer - and get it hooked up to the internet ... which took most of Saturday (*sigh*) - but it's slower than slow and nothing I can cope with other than as an emergency solution for a short time.

I guess I'll make up my mind about my laptop toward the middle of the week - but I'm already trying to check out the market for a new one, as I might simply have to buy a new computer. Not exactly something I was counting on, but not much to do about either - I need a working computer ...

Other than that, not much has been going on this weekend. I managed to get a whole lot of laundry done this afternoon, which felt quite good as I was running out of clothes to wear! :)

Next week will be pretty heavy for me, at least the first half of it, and I'm a bit nervous about it since the weekend hasn't provided a lot of calm reflection - so to speak. I guess I'll just have to work at it and hope for the best.

Tomorrow I will actually attend both New Testament and Old Testament lectures! :)
Tomorrow morning three lecturers applying for a job at the Department will each give a "trial-lecture", and I know one of them - he taught New Testament Greek when I took it in 2008 - and last spring I kind of sat in on his lectures on that course again, to freshen up my Greek skills! :) I went to similar lectures in Sociology of Religion in January and it's quite interesting!
Then there's the usual OT/Hebrew lesson in the afternoon, and I really enjoy those lectures as they are now covering stuff I'm not 100% sure of myself, so I'm learning a lot by attending them.

I have a big challenge to face on Tuesday, but I will try not to get to far ahead of myself - but I'm hoping for some time to deal with that tomorrow afternoon, I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of thinking in order for that to work out well.

Coping ...

2011-03-09T20:32:00.002+01:00

Things have been working out fairly well this week, so far ... I can at least handle (sort of) the more basic parts of my life, even though the whole grieving process is difficult to tackle right now.

I'm trying to attend most of the Hebrew lectures now, as they are getting close to the end of the first part of the course. We had a mentor meeting yesterday, and while not many students showed up, I think the meeting in itself went pretty well.
Lectures after that and then a bit of interesting conversation at Uni ... I had planned to take a train home at about 4.45, but when I got to the railway station there was another train chaos going on. Apparently something had happened between Malmö and Lund, and whatever it was caused major difficulties - which meant that basically all of my trains were cancelled!! Thanks a lot! *rolling eyes* I ended up taking another, very late, train to Helsingborg (which is waaay off!) and from there I could take a bus home, but I didn't get home until around 7 p.m. - yawn!!

I've been to lectures today as well, which was interesting as usual. Today the students were taking a more active part than they usually do. Yesterday they were given an assignment, to prepare a minor speech about different things relating to Hebrew grammar, like a grammatical construction or a certain word grouping or something like that. They did a really good job and it was very interesting to listen to them!

When I got home I FINALLY had my old lock back in place again!!! When the whole renovation thing started they exchanged the locks so all the workmen could have access to the apartments. While I realize the necessity of it, I didn't like it - particularly since some of them didn't even announce themselves before barging in here ... Once or twice I'd come out of the bathroom to find several construction workers in the hallway ... *sigh*
But today they put my old lock back in, meaning no one can come in here unless I actually INVITE them in!! *YAY*

Since the construction workers are well and truly finished with my apartment now I'm hoping to be able to finish what I'm supposed to do here as well fairly soon. I still have some rearranging to do and then I have to make one last clean-up of everything, but then it should be okay!

Grief

2011-03-07T08:45:00.004+01:00

This is a difficult entry for me, I have thought about writing it for a long time but I have also debated with myself whether I really should write it, or just let it be.
Obviously I have decided to write it now, but that doesn't make it any the less difficult.

I am still very much grieving for Zorro - and for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't. On March 15 it will have been four months since I said my last good bye to him and somehow I feel like it is expected of me to have, at least to a great extent, moved on now. That it is okay for me to miss him, but it's not really okay to feel grief - that painful sharp overwhelming grief - but I do still feel that.
I don't think I go through much more than an hour at a time, without thinking about Zorro, and it hurts, it hurts more than I can describe.

I personally think that I haven't had time to deal with this grief in the way that I need to. I did get about a month right after Zorro died, but during that time I felt it was enough just trying to survive. But since Christmas, I have had to push all thoughts and feelings aside, or else I was afraid I was going to break down completely.
I spent Christmas with my families, and naturally, Christmas is supposed to be a fun holiday, you can't let anything on in front of the kids etc. When I got back home I had to finish an exam in record time (on a course I was totally NOT interested in!), and on top of that deal with all the preparations for the renovations.
When I got my exam done it was basically time for me to move out, and for the next three weeks when I didn't live at home, I had my hands full trying to cope with everyday life.

And now that grief has caught up with me ... I am in so much pain over Zorro, and I can't help but feeling, I don't know, like there's something wrong with that. I don't feel like it's "okay", generally speaking, to be as upset as I am - meaning I'm trying to live my life like "everything is fine" - but it isn't. I'm constantly having minor breakdowns over this, and I still can't quite grasp the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without Zorro - without feeling him, without hearing him, without talking to him.

I didn't sleep at all last night, when I got in bed, suddenly all the events of November 15 came back, and it was like it happened yesterday. I was amazed at how extremely clear the memory of that day is, still. I remember every tiny little detail, from the telephone call in the morning to my arrival home, empty handed, to a large, empty, silent, dead apartment.

I know every single person handles grief in a different way, and I don't expect everyone to completely understand how I feel, because odds are, I won't completely understand how they are coping with grief. I still felt I wanted to share this, mostly because of this persistent feeling I have that it is somehow "not okay" to be grieving after so long time. But I have to say, I don't feel less grief now than I did in November and December. I can do things, let my life go on, but in many ways I did that back then as well. Granted, I spent a lot of time writing during the second half of November, I basically didn't do much else, except writing, but during December I did do things and "function", at least sort of. And I feel exactly the same way now.
I go to lectures and I read and I plan mentor meetings and I talk to people and I try to deal with the construction workers - but I am in constant pain while doing it - and like I wrote in the beginning ... not much more than an hour can pass, without me thinking about Zorro.

People tell me time heals, and somewhere deep inside I guess I know it does. I guess I just feel like it's expected of me to have healed more than I really have right now.

Visitors!

2011-03-05T09:56:00.002+01:00

I used to be pretty good at keeping tabs on the visitors to this blog, but now I seem to have lost count in all the general confusion.
Not only did we pass the big 30,000 but we've also come a bit over 31,000 visitors now - thank you so much! I am amazed so many of you continue to check this blog even though I haven't been that great at updating it for a while ...

I'm hoping to get back to blogging the way I did when I started this blog, where I basically wrote an entry a day (sometimes more!) but I can't promise anything. It does depend a bit on how things turn out right now, as I feel like I've in many ways come to a cross-road of sorts now ... Hopefully things will turn out okay meaning I will be able to get a bit more structure and a bit less confusion in my life - and that will mean more blog entries! :)

Latest Project:

2011-02-28T18:50:00.004+01:00

My latest project - moving the last two bookshelves into the hallway ... which naturally involves putting all the books in a great big pile on the floor first, then dragging the two bookshelves across the apartment and then trying to sort through the great book pile and put all the books in order ... I am almost finished now!

Renovation Part III: Pictures

2011-02-26T18:32:00.003+01:00

I will finish the Renovation-entries by sharing some pictures, the varying state of my apartment during the past two weeks or so ...
On purpose I will not include any pictures from the bathroom, as I really do want to make a proper Before-and-After post on that later on, when everything is REALLY finished. Naturally I'll include photos from the other rooms as well when they are all done too, but here's a taste of what it's been like.

When I moved back home, this kitchen awaited me (not exactly thrilled about that, but I guess I should have cleared away more stuff than I did before I moved out):

Varying stages of my hallway:

And the living room:

Bedroom - this is how it looked when I got home, and found out I had to clear it all away (one more time!!) for the electrician:

And here I have cleared away the bookshelves (again!) - meaning all the stuff ended up in my bed:

And now it's all back together AGAIN ...

Finishing off - though I said I wasn't going to - with a picture from my bathroom.
The latest drama was this Wednesday, I think! A carpenter came in to fix a few things they had noticed weren't working perfectly. He asked me if I had noticed something, and I mentioned the ventilation in the bathroom which had been making quite a lot of noise. He told me he'd take a look at it, and I let him get on with it. After a while I heard a lot of noises and he swore and rushed out to get a few other carpenters! It turned out he was going to take down the ventilation box which is over the bathroom cupboard - and ended up cracking one of the ceramic tiles, just where the water pipes were going! Not good!
It took them almost two days to fix it - but now it's fixed and no noise, yay! - and here's what my bathroom wall looked like then:

Renovation Part II: Emotional

2011-02-26T11:27:00.002+01:00

Due to quite an intense week, unfortunately the blog hasn't been updated. Hopefully I can take some time this weekend to catch up with it!

This entry will try to focus on the emotional part of this whole renovation mess I've been living in for the past 5-6 weeks - naturally it won't be very detailed as emotions are, at least to me, something very private. But I will try to write something.

I think what has become most evident for me is how much I actually value my home! When I was on sick-leave, my home became my refuge, it was the only place in the world where I could totally relax and where I was completely at ease - at any other place there was at least some kind of anxiety involved, although of course the gravity of it varied.
But since I have been feeling better, I can be relaxed at other places as well. Anxiety has not that big part in my life any more (although some of it has come back lately - but that's another story) and I don't have to be on my toes and feeling anxious as soon as I leave my home.
But still, home apparently means a great deal to me - which became very clear when I was more or less thrown out of my home.

I spent three weeks not living at home, and that was really hard on me. Part of the time, I could borrow Christian's apartment - where I was on my own and could go about my business in the way I wanted - and the rest of the time was mostly spent with my Dad and his family, and I'm used to being there as well ... but it was still hard on me not being around my home, my stuff! (This is not to say I'm not grateful both to Christian and to my Dad for making these arrangements possible, because it made things work out well on a practical level!)
Since this was a reaction I had not anticipated, I also was not at all prepared for it, and probably didn't handle it in a great way ...

Things have been feeling a lot better since I was able to come home - but there is an element of anxiety still, as there has been complications and I've basically had people walk in and out any time between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. to try to fix this and that ... And that makes it hard to relax even when I am at home ... this has made me truly appreciate weekends though! :)

Having to go through this renovation mess has also made it impossible for me to try to really deal with my feelings and emotions. I feel like I have been forced to push things aside and telling myself I'll have to deal with them when things calm down a bit - and that is something that I don't feel good about. Pushing things aside make them pile up inside me and eventually I feel like I'm going to break, both physically and emotionally, because there is so much inside me that I can't let out.
This weekend I think is the first time since Christmas, where I can really sit down and work things through (I write - a lot!), not worrying about anything, just trying to focus on what has been going on and how I'm feeling about everything, and why, and where all my emotions come from, and how I'm going to deal with them.
I still have stuff I need to do, but I truly feel I have to prioritize my writing now, if I'm going to be able to feel better!

I have several other blog entries in mind before I feel I'm back-on-track with the blog, so hopefully I can get my act together and publish them during the weekend.

Renovation Part I: Practical

2011-02-21T18:02:00.003+01:00

I thought I'd start off by giving you an insight into the practical aspects of this whole renovation mess ... to give a background on what has been going on and maybe that will be at least part of an explanation to why I haven't been feeling very well lately.

Basically it was a bathroom renovation, so they were going to tear down the whole bathroom including the walls and floors. You could make a choice to also have your entire kitchen renovated as well, as they were changing all the water pipes at the same time - this would, however, be too expensive for my taste. They did recommend that we'd do the hallway as well, as in all likelihood there would be damage made to the hallway in the renovation process - also they were going to widen the bathroom door, which meant tearing down part of the concrete hallway wall.

It was also decided that since this whole mess was going to go on, they would also change all the electrical stuff in every apartment ... the fuse box as well as all the wall and roof electrical outlets - this was going to be done the week before the renovation project started, and this was scheduled to take three weeks.

Before the renovation itself begun, they changed all the locks ... I'm sure they had some secure way of doing this, even though I never understood the finer details, but basically they removed our door locks and replaced them with temporary "construction locks", allowing all the construction workers to pretty much come and go as they liked.
After that it was time for the electrical work. Which included moving A LOT of furniture!! As I mentioned here before, I managed to miss one outlet, but cleared away a couple of bookshelves and was told they would fix it during the bathroom renovations (there are at least two, maybe more, companies involved - the electricians and the carpenters, and I assume there are plumbers as well, though I don't think I've come across any of them).

On Friday 21st (January), the covered the hallway floor, and on Monday 24th, I moved out.
Luckily I had a friend in Lund, Christian, who was willing to give up his apartment for me, and temporarily move in with his girlfriend Maria - who I had as a mentor when I was taking Greek! :) I very much appreciate that, as I basically had nowhere to go! We were allowed to live at home, as we were supposed to have electricity most of the time - but with no running water, a toilet in the basement, and shower in barrack in the yard, I really did NOT want to live here.

I stayed in Christians apartment Monday through Saturday morning that week - and I did discover during that time how much I really like my Home! Christians apartment was really nice, and it was a lot closer to Uni than mine *lol*, but I still felt a bit homesick!
Saturday morning, I went up north to visit my families, and I stayed for about 10 days. There were a lot of reasons why I didn't feel great, but I'll see if I can tell you something about that in another entry.
Anyway, I stayed with my Dad and his family between Jan. 28 and Feb. 7, and I also visited my Mum. It was nice seeing them again, but it felt strange to be there for such a long time during mid-semester.
On Feb. 7 I went back south, again to Christian's apartment - where I stayed until Friday. It was said I could move back home on Friday and I spent quite some time that week to make sure that was okay.

I went home on three occasions that week, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning, and tried to find people to talk to - but I kept getting quite vague answers, to be honest.
I was quite nervous when I went home "for good" on Friday afternoon, but when I got here I quickly realized that I did have electricity and I did have running water, which at the time was good enough for me.
That weekend flew by, I was completely exhausted and basically didn't do much of anything.
Unfortunately I had discovered there were A LOT of things left to do, and maybe the most annoying one: the electrical outlet in the living room. As I had decided to rearrange the furniture while I still had to move them things were an extreme mess!!

I spent a lot of time during the beginning of the week trying to find people and get things done, but it took until Wednesday before the electrician showed up. Only to tell me that since the outlet went straight through one of my inner walls, I had to clear the outlet that was on the other side of the wall as well (in the bedroom).
I basically had a complete melt down, as I had already cleared away at least two bookshelves there before, they had changed the outlet and I had moved everything back again (along with all the stuff from the bathroom and some other things!)...

So I moved it all over again, but then it seemed impossible to find the electricians anywhere. I had a carpenter in on Friday morning to do some stuff, and by then I was really upset, there were a lot of things that I had to have electricians to fix (for instance, they removed my internet/telephone outlet when they wallpapered the hallway, which was done at the beginning of the week, and hadn't put it back!) ....
The electricians were nowhere to be found, and I really wanted to take a trip to Lund that afternoon - so I left here at noon and put a huge note on my door with biiiig red letters, stated I needed help from the electricians!

Around 5.15 p.m. when I was at Uni, the Head of the entire renovation project called me!! He is Danish and for the life of me, I cannot understand that language ... so I hardly understood what he said! Very embarrassing! I figured out that either they had fixed most of the stuff and were going to do a check on it on Monday (as in, today), or they were going to fix it ... on Monday.

I kind of dreaded going home, but when I got here I at least had telephone/internet and the outlet in the living room was fixed! Yay!
I spent the weekend trying to get everything back together - and this morning the carpenters came and did a few minor things- but there are still stuff left ...
The "bosses" came around 11 a.m. today to do a survey of the work being done, I had hoped everything would be done but naturally there were a number of things they are going to get adjust during this week.

But at least I can get my place back together now, I still don't want to put furniture in the hallway, as they are not quite done there yet, but I have gotten most of the stuff back where it's supposed to be, so I'm hoping to be able to have this apartment in tip-top shape come this weekend!

This has been quite a difficult time for me, for a number of reasons - I am truly glad that almost everything is finished, but I'm quite down and I think it will take a while for me to make a come-back from this.
I hope to make another entry fairly soon on how I've been feeling (even though I won't go into that much detail!) this past month ....

Home Sweet Home!

2011-02-20T16:58:00.002+01:00

That sentiment has never ever before felt so true!

I realized just now that it has been exactly four weeks to the day since my last entry. I know I wrote then that I would try to keep updating the blog even though I wouldn't stay home, but the fact that I have been taking a blog break has actually been deliberate.
I have not been doing well the last four weeks, for numerous reasons, and there have been times when I have wondered if I really had it in me to pull through...

The practical aspects of my life, at least some of them, seem to be falling into place now, for which I am most grateful! However, I have been forced to repress and push aside all the mental and emotional aspects of my life for quite a long time, and that is not something that suits me well. The repression approach - "if I close my eyes maybe it'll go away!?" - has never worked for me, I really need to take the opposite approach to the difficulties that arise ... and now I haven't been given that opportunity.

I think I will be able to start dealing with a lot of things during next week, so hopefully I will start feeling better and better.
As a lot of things has happened these past four weeks, I will try to make separate entries, so as not to bore you to death with one single entry that keeps going forever.
Please note that I am now in the process of restoring almost my entire apartment, which takes up most of my time, and I am also completely exhausted, so I might not make a new entry every two hours or so - but I hope I can catch up with the blog over the next few days at least.

You will probably get a few photos of various stages of renovation along the way, although the "AFTER" pictures aren't available yet, as not everything is ready yet.

Last of the Photos!

2011-01-23T19:43:00.005+01:00

Yes, here are the last of the photos ... I'm guessing I'll continue taking pictures when I get back and try to get everything in order again (especially since I'm thinking of redecorating my living room!).

The last of the really old electrical outlets that are now finally exchanged for new ones:

The living room:

Note in the last two pictures the beautiful plastic instead of a doorway! *lol* I have a door but it's down in the basement so they decided to cover it up with plastic instead!

Kitchen:

Bedroom:

Bathroom - BEFORE renovation:

I am very much looking forward to seeing the AFTER-pictures! :)

Please note that I will try to update my blog whenever I can, from Uni or from my families when I'm up there visiting - but there will be no pictures until I get back (sorry...).
It seems right now that I'll be able to move in on Feb. 11 but I guess there's no guarantees, right?!

Take care!!

My Mess In Pictures!

2011-01-23T18:53:00.002+01:00

So, here they are ... the photos from The Mess!
I have been taking a few photos every now and again during this mess, and will share them with you here. I'm counting on making a final round tonight when most of it is ready (also would like Before- and After-pictures of the hallway and bathroom which will be redecorated), so I will probably make one last entry tonight ...
(all photos taken with my new camera, Samsung ES28)

Here we go:

Moving books and bookshelves (from the hallway into the kitchen):

My hallway, on January 18 (before the electrician was here):

My bedroom - I had to move one bookshelf for them to reach the electrical outlet, but in order to move that I had to move a lot of other things as well:

Kitchen and bedroom:

The hallway (Jan. 22) - the wardrobes are covered in plastic, and the electrician has (among other things) moved the fuse box:

Moving bookshelves in the living room to free the last of the outlets that needs to be remade:

Tough Week ...

2011-01-23T09:08:00.003+01:00

I do apologize for not writing here at all during the week - but it has been one of the most intense weeks I've experienced in a VERY long time! It's been quite hard to get through everything, also because during the fall I wasn't feeling great and I wasn't very "active" at all. Now it seems it's all caught up with me and it tends to get a bit too much at times.

I had an exam with a deadline on midnight Monday so I spent almost all day at Uni and continued working on it when I got home. I wrote frantically until around 11 p.m. but just as I was about to send it I felt like maybe I've completely misunderstood a couple of things! NOT good! It was too late to do anything about it, but I sure am dreading the result (also, it's SOOOOO important that I pass this exam, which makes me even more nervous!) ...

On Tuesday the spring semester started at Uni, and with that the Old Testament/Hebrew course where I am mentor, this year along with another girl. We were supposed to introduce ourself and the mentor activity - and even though I really have become quite secure at the Department, things like that do make me nervous still ... I think it worked out fairly well, and it seems like 16 students will take the course now, which is a lot! Not sure how many of them stick with it until the end, but at least it's a good start.

We had lectures in the afternoon as well, and I sat in on the first half before rushing home to start moving furniture. The electrician was supposed to come on Wednesday morning, and I needed to move everything away from every single electrical outlet in my apartment as well as make sure they could change the ceiling outlets and the fuse box in the hallway. That sure took some doing, especially since I was REALLY tired ... I realized I did NOT want to be home while he was doing it ...

I didn't get everything done Tuesday night, so I was up at 2.30 a.m. on Wednesday and finished it, and left home at about 6 ... I was at Uni at 7.30 and stayed there until about 4 p.m. (and sat in on an OT lecture), ate in town before going home. I was home about 6 p.m. and it was a MESS. I hadn't managed to disconnect my ceiling lamps, so that had been done ... but all of them were just in a mess on the floor and it was pitch black inside my apartment. I had no idea what they had done or if they had connected ANY of the leads at all. I ended up finding a tiny flash light and went around the apartment trying to figure out what they had done and how to get at least one lamp working again... and I did succeed in the end even though I was in a terrible mood.

On Thursday I went to Uni again, though I slept in a little. When I was about to get ready the electrician showed up - apparently he'd forgotten something in my apartment and he also told me I had missed one outlet when I was clearing away, so they hadn't been able to change that. I said I'd have it cleared by the time the renovations started - but it does involve moving two or three bookshelves *sigh* - so hopefully they'll get it done then ... At Uni it was an OT lecture and I spent some time talking to the teacher afterwards. I also met the other mentor and we talked a little about the first mentor meeting that was scheduled to Friday afternoon.
When I got home it was time to move more furniture, as on Friday morning construction workers would be in here covering the floor in the hallway and doing some other stuff.

I was up early Friday morning as well and went to Uni. At 9.30 there were three lectures in sociology of religion, as they will appoint a 50% teaching position in that subject. Of the three people there, I "kinda" know one of them, at least I know who she is, and I do know another one. I had him during a few courses back when I started Uni after my sick leave, and I actually chose between sociology of religion and Old Testament when it came time to specialize my studies ... I hadn't seen him in a long time so it was nice to be there, and I'm actually surprised at how much I remembered (since I haven't taken this subject since 2006!).

I had a little while to myself during lunch before it was time for OT lecture and after that the first mentor meeting. I think it went really well although I always have a tendency to over analyse things. Afterwards I talked a bit with the other mentor, Elisabet, before heading home.

Friday afternoon and yesterday I have spent trying to prepare for my three week absence ... I am really nervous about these three weeks and how things will turn out, but I guess I just have to hope for the best. At the moment I'm trying to get my apartment fit for the renovation, move some furniture for the electrician, trying to find a way to save my flowers, doing laundry and trying to figure out how to actually pack stuff that will keep me going for three weeks ... etc. etc.

I have taken photos continuously of the various states my apartment has gone through, so I will try to make a photo entry later tonight.
But now I have to try to dismantle the mirror wall I have in the hallway ...

2 months

2011-01-15T23:04:00.006+01:00

I had originally planned to follow up on my 2010-entry with one focusing on what lies ahead during 2011 ... but as soon as this week started I felt like I was stuck in complete chaos, and that entry never happened.
I do hope to make a summarizing entry tomorrow about this week and a bit about what lies head.

Today though, it's been 2 months since Zorro passed away. It's been a difficult day (and a strange one at that!) ... I know I shouldn't try to really write about how I feel, because at the moment I can't seem to know what or how I do feel.
Most people I've been talking to lately keep telling me it's good I'm keeping busy (although I might be a bit too busy right now ...), I need to focus on my life right now, and since things are pretty chaotic I won't get stuck in these intense thoughts and feelings involving Zorro.
And I don't know ... maybe they're right.
I do not feel like they are right, to be honest, but than again - maybe I'm too emotional and maybe I don't know what is best for me.

At the moment I feel a need to focus on Zorro, on remembering him - and I don't get a chance to at the moment. Right after he passed away I kept busy ... there were a lot of practical things to do then - my Mum came here for a visit, I had to tell everyone about what happened etc. When my Mum left I basically broke down and spent pretty much days and days just writing in my diary (and crying). From sometime around mid-December it felt like things were going a little bit better, I had a good meeting with the OT professor, I was at Uni and met a friend that I talked to for quite a while, I was on a really interesting seminar that worked out well etc.
Then I went up north to my families for Christmas holidays - and I didn't get much chance to think about my little darling as things were quite intense. I did miss him a lot there as well, but the only time I could allow those feelings to actually come out was when everyone else had gone to bed and I had some time to myself.

Since I've come back here, I feel like my grief has been worse than before Christmas actually ... and that makes me somehow think that maybe I am the kind of person that need to really dive into the difficult feelings instead of trying to push them aside and focus on other things.

But I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. This has been a long day and I'm tired and have a headache at the moment, so I'm not sure how much sense I'm making right now ...

But fact of the matter is, it has been 2 months and I still feel like I've been torn apart - and it seems impossible to accept the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without Zorro ...

Looking Back: 2010

2011-01-09T09:18:00.004+01:00

While it's been 2011 for a little while now, I still would like to summarize 2010, thereby hopefully putting at least some of it behind me and look forward.

In many ways 2010 was not a good year for me, so I can honestly say I'm glad it's over. I had high hopes for 2010 when it started, but now I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I know I could have done a lot of things differently, but there were also a number of things happening I had no control over.

What was basically really good was being mentor for the Old Testament/Hebrew course during the spring semester. This was my second time, and I have to say I felt I had learned a lot from the first time. I felt more secure in my role as mentor and I actually think I did do a better job the second time. We had a lovely group of students in the mentor group and usually about 6 students came every single time (compare that to 2 or 3 the previous year)! I really enjoy the subject and the course so that was one of the highlights of 2010. I also "sort of" followed the New Testament/Greek course, mainly to freshen up my Greek skills for a course I took at the end of the semester, and that was also a lot of fun. I discovered that I learned a lot taking this course for the "second time" and lectures were usually lots of fun and quite interesting.

I also took another course during the spring that caused nothing but problems. I don't have the time or energy to go into detail but for me the course didn't work at all. I found out I didn't have to take it - or so I thought! The whole thing ended up being very messy and I basically talked to everyone at the Department about this, without getting any clear answers. The whole thing wasn't completely solved until mid-September (!!!) and then it was said I had to have the course in order for me to get my Degree. I had a hard time reaching the teachers involved, but now I have finally gotten an exam for the course, it's due back on Monday, January 17th, so by then I REALLY hope I can put this course behind me once and for all.

During the spring my Dad fell quite ill ... he's still not doing well and that has been another hard thing to deal with this past year. Understandably I won't go into detail, but health issues are always difficult to tackle, I think.
I also had a pretty bad accident, where I got second degree burns on parts of my right foot. At first I didn't think it was that bad, but it ended up being worse than I thought, and I spent a month visiting the Health Care Centre every other day, being dressed and bandaged to the hilt! It is completely healed now, thank God, but I have a pretty nasty scar left.

During the fall, I haven't been feeling very well. Things haven't worked out and finally, in late October/early November I finally realized what was going on. Again this feels a bit too personal, but I really discovered a few truths about myself, my past and present, my behaviours and thought patterns - and that was quite a revelation. I was able to really start to make some changes to my life and I felt I was doing a pretty good job of it.

Then came November 15. Well, actually it all started on November 13, when I discovered Zorro was bleeding after having used his litter box. He continued to bleed throughout the weekend and I got an appointment with a vet on Monday afternoon. It didn't take long for her to discovered that in all likelihood he had a large tumour in his stomach ... since this is a difficult diagnose to make with certainty and treatments are not 100% - and Zorro was 13½ years old - the decision itself wasn't hard to make.
I held him as he had a calming shot and later on the fatal shot, and our 10 years-4 months together was over for good.

My Mum came down a few days later to help me with things and I am very grateful for that, for at least it gave life some form of normality after this had happened. I still however, have a very hard time dealing with this grief. At times it is better, I know I have to move on with my life and I think I do - but inside I hurt SO much! I can't really say anything about it, because everything has already been said about grief and it just feels so clichéd to try to say anything ...

The end of the year for me was basically all about Zorro, no matter how hard I tried, I could not let him go in my mind even though, inevitably, life goes on. I know people tell me that the grief will eventually go away, even though I will always miss Zorro - and maybe that's true ... I guess I'll have to get back to you on that. For now, however, the grief is a constant part of my life every single day (if not every single hour) ...

Mainly because I was in such a poor shape to begin with, Christmas holidays were hard to handle this year. While nothing really went wrong, I didn't feel good and didn't cope with the time spent with my families as good as I think I could have, had I been feeling better.

So, like I said in the beginning of this entry - 2010 has not been a very good year. By the looks of things, at least the first half of 2011 will be quite difficult and very demanding for me, but I hope I am mentally better prepared to cope with the difficulties now, and hopefully 2011 will be a better year (I will be back with an entry on what lies ahead later on.).

As Time Goes By!

2011-01-06T15:32:00.004+01:00

This entry will be about my sisters, M and I - they grow sooo quickly, it's almost scary! I can still remember visiting the hospital and getting to hold M when she was about 27 hours old (!) - now she's 6½ years old (on Jan. 11) - it's really hard to take in.

M has grown a lot just since this summer, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she started school this fall! Big girl, indeed! From what I hear she's doing really well, she could read on a basic level before she started and now she's amazing. You can pick up a newspaper and basically point to any word and she can read it ... which I think is really cool for a 6½-year old!! She's also a really good speller, even though she sometimes fails when it's supposed to be double consonants or other specific sound-combinations - but overall, she's amazing!
Both of the girls has been trying out some winter sports now (they have quite a lot of snow where they live) and M is doing pretty well on both skies and ice skates - at least a whoooole lot better than I ever did. I think it's obvious she's developed her intellect more than her motorical skills - so did I when I was a kid, but it's good to see she's attempting sports as well!

I is turning 4 years old soon (Jan. 11) and she's such a darling, I bet she could charm anyone!! Both of the girls were with my Dad meeting me when I arrived before Christmas. I's first words when I got in the car: "Jessica? I don't like you ... [I starting to think maybe she's into a "grandmother-phase", or has taken a liking to one of her preschool teachers or something like that] ... I looooove you!!!!" Said with the most adorable intonation! Is she a cutie or what?!? :)
She has grown a lot too during the past 5 months or so, I think she's really inspired by the fact that M has started school - because she's basically reading and writing too!!!!! *gasp* Granted, not long words or anything like that - but shorter words, like four-five letters long, she goes through them without any problems at all .... she did a drawing for me and on the back it said (not extremely clear and some letter were backwards, but still clear enough to read): "From I to Jessica, a nice drawing" (free translation!) [For Swedish readers: "Från I till Jessica En fin teckning]. Not bad for someone not quite 4 years old yet!!
She too has tried out winter sports... She can "walk" on her skies, and has just started skating, so for now, her mother holds her - but you can tell she's trying to keep her balance which is the first step.

Here are various photos from the holidays (including one of all three of us watching the traditional Swedish Donald Duck Christmas show!):

Finishing of with a selection of photos from a session the girls' mother did, trying to get a Christmas card photo! They do look amazing, don't they?! :)

2010 Holiday Summary!

2011-01-06T11:17:00.003+01:00

I thought it would be best to start this series of blog entries with a summary of the past holidays.

For various reasons, I have not felt great during these holidays. I usually fret the holidays beforehand, as there is a lot to take into account when planning for them, but once I'm up with my families things tend to work out fairly well ... This year however, I felt it was really hard - and I think there are quite a few reasons for that.
I wasn't feeling at all well when the holidays started and that makes things quite difficult. I am used to living alone and minding my own business, so it is a fairly big change to suddenly live around several other people, two of them being children and always having to think about everyone else, adapting yourself after other people's needs and wishes. I guess it sounds like I'm totally selfish and egocentric usually but I honestly don't think I am - it just takes a while getting used to living like that. Often I can cope with it, but I am a very private kind of person and when I don't feel bad, I find it very difficult to interact with others ... so I think that was part of why this Christmas didn't feel great.

Naturally it was very hard not having Zorro around this Christmas! As usual, from a practical point of view some things got easier. I could spend more time with my Mum, as I didn't have to ask my Dad and his family to take care of Zorro if I stayed overnight, for instance - and I didn't have to worry about him not getting as much attention as he usually did. During the trips I only had to think about myself ... but at the same time, I felt very alone without him. Zorro and I usually didn't get much time for us when we visited my Dad and his family, as my sisters usually crave a lot of attention, but the time we did have - usually at night when the others had gone to bed, was such a quality time, we totally enjoyed being together ... and this year I felt completely alone going to bed.

I think I can split the holidays in two, actually. From a practical point of view, they were actually very good! I didn't have to worry about Zorro (which I did quite a lot earlier), I did get to spend more time with my Mum, it was great seeing my sisters again, nobody was ill or hurt ...
But on an emotional level, it wasn't that great. First and foremost of course, missing Zorro. But I also felt it more difficult to be around everybody, probably because I wasn't feeling the best beforehand. I had a hard time being patient with the girls and it was sometimes difficult trying to adapt myself to their routines ... there were other factors too, but they are a bit too personal for a public blog.

One day my Dad and I took a trip to the summerhouse, mostly to check it out, see if rats had gone in and get rid of some of the snow on the roofs of the buildings. While it was quite hard work it was fantastic to get a day on my own with my Dad, and it was really beautiful out there, the sun was shining and quite a bit of snow ...

There will be more entries to come, so do come back! :)

Home Sweet Home!

2011-01-04T16:29:00.002+01:00

Yes, I'm back home again after the holidays - and it feels really good to be back home! :)
Things hasn't worked out great all the time during the holidays, so I'm feeling quite tired right now. I have planned two days for myself tomorrow and on Thursday so hopefully I can get some rest and also try to figure out what has been happening as well as what lies ahead. I plan to make a number of blog entries during the next couple of days, so please keep an eye out for updates! :)

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and I wish you all the best for 2011!

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-22T06:16:00.002+01:00

I'm leaving for Christmas holidays in about 45 minutes, but I just wanted to wish you all

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I hope I will have the opportunity to update my blog at some point during the holidays, but I won't guarantee it, as I know I will have limited internet access.

I will be back again - hopefully with lots of lovely photos! :) - on January 3rd ... though I won't be home until about midnight, so I don't think you can count on an update before January 4 at the earliest.

Take care, and I hope you will have a lovely Christmas holiday!

An UpsideDown Day!

2010-12-21T21:45:00.003+01:00

Today has been SO strange and massively confusing!

This morning was really slow, though I had hoped to get things done. I went to Uni around 10, although the buses weren't exactly running like schedule!
I went straight to Uni and managed to get some stuff printed, which was way overdue! *oops* I met a friend there, and I got a nice surprise! :) She took the Old Testament course last fall (spring 2010) where I was mentor, and all the students as well as me were invited to our teacher at the end of that semester. I took a few photographs, but apparently so had she, and she gave me one with me and the professor of OT and a few other students! Nice! :)

I spent about an hour outside the library going through the material for the seminar (and I ran into one of the attendants of the seminar, a guy who does research in NT, then - I haven't seen him for a while, so it was nice chatting to him!) - and then I met another friend ... we took New Testament Greek together last spring! :) I spent some time talking to her before the seminar.

We had one of few Old Testament seminars (mostly for post-graduate students and researchers - and New Testament is so much more common), on Leviticus and "leprosy" (sorry, not quite aloud to all it that after today's seminar!) .
I don't know why, but for some reason, it felt really good. I'm usually quite intimidated by these seminars, since they are above my level, but today it felt really good. I knew everyone attending, and I followed the discussions in a good way - and even though I didn't have anything to say myself, it felt really good.
I took a few photos, some are from this morning but I took a few after the seminar on the way to the railway station.

And then the problems started...
YES we've had snow in southern Sweden and yes, it's created the usual chaos! *sigh!!!* A 15 minute train trip took over 2 hours today - SIGH!! I was eagerly awaiting two packages, that I felt simply HAD to arrive ... not to mention part of the two packages was quite important - it was a Christmas gift for my mother and a birthday present for my father ... none of the packages had arrived! *very annoyed*

I had hard to focus for quite a while - so this evening hasn't worked out great!! It's 10 p.m. I still have tons to do tonight and I'm guessing I have to get up about 4-4.30 a.m. tomorrow ... *great - not!!* Ah well ...
At least it feels "good" (if you know what I mean) that I don't have to drag Zorro through the journey tomorrow, especially since no trains seem to run on time these days ...

I will make a last entry before I leave, not sure if it will be a late entry tonight or an early one tomorrow though ....

A Bit Of This And That

2010-12-20T16:05:00.003+01:00

I still feel sleep deprived which is starting to take it's toll on me. It's not that I can't sleep, the problem is that I can't fall asleep! It feels like I've tried everything, but so far, no luck! I guess I have to hope that my holiday trip will make things change.

Speaking of which ... I will leave on Wednesday morning to visit my families for the holidays, and I will be back late on January 3rd. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but it will be tough since it will be my first trip there without Zorro in a long time. It will also be quite difficult to celebrate Christmas without him.

This pas Friday, finally, my Les Misérables in Concert 25th Anniversary DVD finally arrived - yay! :) I got an email on November 24, saying it had been shipped, so I was starting to get seriously worried - but at least it did arrive and of course I watched it almost immediately! :) I won't make a real review of it, after only having seen it once, but I don't think I can help myself from making a few comments!

I love the fact that the 25th anniversary concert is so much longer than the 10th anniversary concert (TAC), they have included almost the entire musical which was fantastic! That being said, I was absolutely horrified to realize they removed "Little People"!! *gasp* I'm in love with the Original London version so I was a bit let down when they changed it to another version - but removing it completely (almost), that's almost criminal, isn't it?
I have to say the stage in general was better than in TAC, more props and set pieces, which made for a better dynamic on stage. Unfortunately I felt that many of the performers didn't quite take advantage of that. They still use microphone stands - is it really that impossible to use head-mics?? - and that made a lot of the cast just "stand there" instead of trying to interact with one another.

It was great to see that they included the speeches at the end (Cameron McIntosh, Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg) - I still will never understand why they removed the TAC speeches from the DVD when they are included in the video.
The finale with the 1985 cast was absolutely amazing! While I think only Michael Ball from that cast are among my favourites, it was fantastic to see them all on stage together - and the four Jean Valjeans (Colm Wilkinson, John Owen-Jones, Simon Bowman and Alfie Boe) was also wonderful (gotta say, that was a really nice version of "Bring Him Home"!)!

Oops, quite a few comments there ...:)
Unfortunately I won't get the chance to watch the DVD any more before I leave, but I will try to watch it and make a proper review when I get back here in January.

While I haven't been at Uni that much lately, I made an appearance there this past Friday. I didn't get that much done, but I managed to borrow a book from the library, and I also ran into an old friend there, that I haven't seen in quite a while. We ended up talking for about an hour, and that was really nice! Not much has been working out at Uni lately, so it came as a bit of a list. We also found out we'll be going to the same seminar tomorrow afternoon.

This weekend has been a bit tough, with regards to Zorro. It goes up and down, which is only natural, I guess... At times, things work, and I can go about my business without constantly thinking about him - but then at times, the grief just stabs me like a knife straight though the heart - and just trying to grasp the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without him, and that I will never ever see him or hear him or feel him ever again ... well, that's what makes me lie sleepless at nights ...

I'm right now in the middle of the last preparations for my trip but I will hopefully be able to update the blog at least once before I leave.
Take care!

4 Weeks ~ 1 Month

2010-12-14T22:14:00.002+01:00

Yesterday it was 4 weeks.
Tomorrow it will have been 1 month.
Still finding it hard to believe.

I know there are a lot of people out there who doesn't quite understand this - and naturally everyone handles grief differently and not everyone looks at animals and pets the same way. I get the feeling that I "should be over this by now" ... and I'm not. I know that most people would never say "it's just a pet - it's not so bad" or words to that affect, but somehow that's the feeling I get anyway. And I can't help feeling the way I do. I spent almost every day for ten years and four months with Zorro, occasionally I would leave him for a weekend and a couple of trips to London but that was it ... Also taking into account that for the first say four-five years we had together, I did not feel well at all, I was on sick leave and was home basically 24/7.
We did develop a very deep relationship, and I know several people who spontaneously told me that after having seen us together - and I don't think I will get over his death any time soon.
I know I have to deal with the realities of life, and I think I have started. I felt a bit more in sync with life at the end of last week and naturally life does go on - but I still think I will be grieving for a long time yet.

Up And Down!

2010-12-10T10:35:00.002+01:00

I know I basically have at least one picture of Zorro in every entry I make right now, but you are going to have to live with that for the moment. He is almost constantly in my mind, and this is one way for me to share something of him and all my memories ...

Basically, I tend to go on an emotional roller coaster right away. The first completely paralysing grief has passed, I think (though it was very strange in the beginning, so I don't know if I really experienced it then either), but I tend to at times get completely and 100% caught up in grief. This passed weekend and the beginning of this week was like that. I could do nothing at all, I mostly sat in my couch with candles and wrote in my diary non stop - and cried. It's been a lot of crying lately, that's for sure.
Now for the past few days, I have felt better. I am always sad inside and when I remember something very distinctly or come to think of something special I truly hurt, but otherwise I can cope.

The thing is I was on the verge of changing a lot of things in my life before Zorro passed away. I have had a few "revelation-moments" this fall and I really felt like I was about to do some real changes, I had figured out what had gone wrong and I pretty much knew what I had to work with to change it. But since Zorro passed away, all that has been put to a halt. At first, I felt there was no point in trying (and I still have, at times, a bit of that feeling left) - now that I didn't have Zorro, what was there to fight for, what was the point??
I now know, most of the time, that I do need to fight and I do need to work at certain things and I do need to change a lot of things. Hopefully I will be able to start putting my thoughts into action as well.
I have a meeting with my professor today (as I had to cancel Monday when I had my "breakdown"), and I am hoping that a discussion with him also will make it a little bit easier to start working on my life again ...

Collapse

2010-12-06T19:09:00.002+01:00

I guess it is painfully obvious that I'm really not feeling well right now.
I've been having a bit of a cold the last few days, and it was a fair bit worse this morning. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I had a meeting with my professor today, so I stuffed myself with various medications and figured I'd survive the trip to Uni and the meeting.
I was wrong.
I basically had a collapse at the railway station, quite disturbing, and had to turn around and go home. I think that since I'm not in a great shape in general, I tend to be a bit more "fragile" when it comes to purely physical symptoms as well.

I still feel pretty shaky, so I guess I'll have to stay in for a couple of days now and hope it will get better. I know the best thing for it is to sleep, but that doesn't really work for me right now. I was surprised that I slept as well as I did after Zorro past away, but I actually did - I think it's caught up with me now, because I can't for the life of me fall asleep, no matter how hard I try! Last night, I wandered around the apartment, moving from the bed to the couch to the computer and back to the bed and the couch again until 3.30 this morning - and I was up and about again at 5 ...
Ah well - guess that's the way it is ...

Everyday Life - 3 Weeks.

2010-12-06T10:00:00.002+01:00

I know that my everyday life has to go on now, and in a way I guess it does - but it is difficult ... Today it has been three weeks - and ironically enough I have a meeting with my professor at Uni during the exact hour which was Zorro's last, three weeks ago. I have a feeling I will have some trouble focusing during the meeting.

Like I said, my everyday life is moving on - I have no other choice as you can't stop time, no matter how much you would like to at times. My grief after Zorro tends to vary a lot which is only natural I guess. At times things move along fairly well, and at times I just break down completely. This weekend has for some reason been extremely difficult. I don't know why, but Zorro seems so close to me now, closer I think than he has felt to me since he past away. I tend to relive moments and memories and they are extremely clear and vivid, and it's excruciatingly painful to know I will never experience that in real life again.

As for what the future brings, I don't know. At this point, I cannot plan far ahead, I just don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to do that. I am working on my master's thesis as best I can - which also varies depending on how I feel. What is decided is that I will leave for my Christmas holiday on December 22nd (it's going to be difficult to ride in the Animal's Compartment on the train all the way, but I booked the tickets before Zorro fell ill), and I will probably go back here on January 4th - I will try to book those tickets today.

Finishing off with some photos I took a few days ago - and a few photos to show that it actually has been snowing here, even though there's not that much snow on the ground.

2 Weeks.

2010-11-29T21:06:00.002+01:00

It's hard to believe it has been two weeks since Zorro past away.
I'm working at getting back to life, it feels like I've been living in a bubble more or less constantly since it happened. I have never experienced true grief before and certainly everyone deals with it in different ways. For some reason, I seem to make things quite difficult for myself, so I am struggling with a lot of things right now.

I don't really want to go into detail here, partly because it's very hard to put words on what it is I'm feeling and thinking and struggling with. But things have not been very easy the past two weeks, that's for sure. I know I have to "move on", at least in some sense - but that is part of what I'm struggling with.
I know I cannot stay in this bubble forever, and I'm hoping to be able to function in a better way - and also update the blog in a better way in the future.

Beautiful!

2010-11-22T23:34:00.002+01:00

I just received this poem from my friend Debra on Facebook and I felt I had to share it here right away - I think it's really really beautiful!!

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

1 Week

2010-11-22T19:46:00.002+01:00

I can't believe it's been one week. One tiny little week. One immensely long week. I guess this entire situation just feels completely unreal, so it's not that strange I have no time conception whatsoever ...
I don't know how to summarize either, because it feels pretty much impossible! My Mum came here on Wednesday, basically a "rescue-operation", and while I think I could have coped without it, it felt really good that she came. I'm an extremely private person, and I cannot share really intense feelings with anyone ... but I think what did help me was the fact that we got some practical stuff DONE - which I probably would have completely ignored if I had been on my own! I got the apartment at least fairly clean before she came, we did a ton of laundry, we did some major grocery shopping and cooking (so I have lots of food stacked away now!) - and we also made more of a fun outing to IKEA in Malmö on Friday ...

On Saturday it was time for mine and Annika's annual Christmas tradition (see entry below), so my Mum and I went to Gothenburg together, and when I met Annika, my Mum went on home.

I think the main thing I'm feeling, besides the complete and total emptiness and loneliness that comes with missing someone close to you, is an extreme fear of forgetting!! I know I will forget, time inevitably causes you to forget, and I don't want to forget!! I guess some people will say I'm torturing myself for nothing, but I don't see it that way ... I don't care how much it hurts (and it hurts A LOT!), I do NOT want to forget anything about Zorro!!!
I've come across with people who deal with sorrow in a manner that is basically 'forget-and-move-on' - and that is totally not me! I think they feel that if you "get on with your life" and go about your normal business, the pain will be less. Maybe it will, but I still don't ever ever ever want to forget ... and I'm really scared because I know that the more time that will pass, the foggier the details will be.
I mean, I will always remember specific incidents regarding Zorro - when we visited my Dad and his family, when we were in the summerhouse, his train trips etc. - but it's the ordinary daily routines that I'm scared to forget. They were so natural for such a long time, and I know that when I start developing new routines that doesn't involve him (which I already have!), the old routines will fade!
I'm trying to write as much as possible in my diary about these ordinary things (such as the fact that we had our very own language!! *smiling!*), so at least I will have it there .... but it's still extremely difficult to know that all these little things that have been a part of my life for the past 10 years will just fade away ...

I know I have to "get on with my life", which at the moment is extremely stressful, especially regarding studies ... but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that! I have written almost all day today, but I probably won't have time to go through all I want to go through - and I'm still not sure that will prepare me for full-time studies and then some.
At this time, I don't have the energy to worry too much about it, I'm more in a "let's try it and see what happens"-mood right now. So I guess we'll have to see what happens ....

Annual Christmas Tradition!

2010-11-22T19:20:00.002+01:00

This Saturday Annika and I met in Gothenburg for our annual Christmas tradition. I think we decided that we probably started in 2002, and since then we've missed out on one year (2008, I think), so this is really a true tradition - soon celebrating 10 years! :)

As my Mum had come for a short visit to help me out, I went with my Mum to Gothenburg. It was nice to have company, even though we unfortunately didn't get to sit together during the bus ride.
I met Annika at 11.45, and said good bye to my Mum, who continued up north that afternoon.
Annika and I had lunch at Burger King, like we usually do, before walking down to Liseberg (the amusement park in Gothenburg), where they have this huge Christmas market. We were there right after they opened at 1 p.m., and I don't think we've usually been there so early because it was surprisingly light outside! :)
I have to say the weather was really good too, better than we've had on several other occasions! It had snowed during the night but temperatures had risen during the day so it was quite slushy, but at least it didn't rain or snow, and temperatures were decent as well! Nice!! Since we were there so early we really had the time to walk around in peace which was quite nice. We took our time, and it felt like Liseberg was a lot bigger this year! :)
It still felt a bit strange it was so light out, and all the lights on the buildings and trees weren't quite so extraordinary as they are when it's darker - but it was still a really really nice visit!!

After a couple of hours we went back to the railway station for some Christmas cookies and presents! :) I got a really nice collage of pictures from when Annika and I have met, and a few other great presents as well - big thanks!! :)
My bus left at 5.05, but the trip home felt really long, basically because I was completely exhausted and because I had a totally annoying kid in the seat in front of me. I usually really like kids, and I think I'm pretty patient with them ... but this little guy was pretty much a terror the entire trip. I had a change in Helsingborg and luckily for me, the bus from there was a little late so I just made it, and didn't have to wait for a train (which would take a lot longer!).

Coming home to an empty apartment after having been away for an entire day was PURE torture ... I mean, I know this is the way it's going to be from now on, but it's torture all the same ... So it was a painful end to an otherwise really nice day ...

Some pictures from Liseberg!

Loved Always. Missed Forever.

2010-11-16T19:57:00.009+01:00

This blog entry will be about Zorro. I feel I really want to make a proper entry, about who he was, what he experienced in life, what he and I shared and what he gave me ...

Zorro was born on July 5, 1997 as the oldest of three siblings. After him came his brother Zimba and a sister. They are pure bread and therefore have other, "formal" names as well.
Zorro was Escaroth's Foxy Felix, Zimba was Escaroth's Flossy Filip and the little sister was Escaroth's Fairy Fleur.

My mother had Zimba and Zorro first, she wanted a pair of kittens and having two brothers seemed to be perfect. And I guess it was ... in a way. What nobody expected was the intensity of these two brothers, who made sure to give my mother a run for her money. They certainly entertained themselves in her apartment with both this and that - and got away with a lot because of their adorable looks! :)
I have no idea why, but I somehow connected more with Zorro than I did with Zimba. I loved them both, but Zorro found it easier to come to rest in my lap and was more cuddly towards me than Zimba was.

My Mum moved in 1998 and got a place with a patio out the back. She had a net put in so the cats could be out there ... but that didn't work out so well. Zorro has always been very intense, very friendly toward people but not that fond of other cats ... and when he saw other cats through the net, he went for the cat he could reach - his brother!
We realized they couldn't stay together in 2000, and I found myself being a cat owner! :)

Zorro moved in with me on June 9, 2000 - and at first we were about anxious about this move. He had always been with his brother and we didn't know how he would cope. I made sure to give him 100% of my attention, and for the first few days I basically carried him around my apartment, in order for him to feel safe and loved.
He finally came to peace living with me - and I eventually got used to having a pet! :)

In 2001 (June 12) we moved to southern Sweden, and from what I can remember, Zorro handled the move very well. I was home a lot in the beginning to, and I think that we settled well together. We lived in an apartment that had a garden attached to it, and it was nice to be able to take Zorro out on occasion - even though I had to have him on a leash.

That summer we spent some time in the summerhouse and one morning Zorro managed to run away!! I was SO scared, he'd always been an indoor cat, and the summerhouse is really in the country, with other cats, a road with cars and tractors, nature with lynx (though quite rare) and foxes ... It took several hours but he eventually found his way back (sort of - it's quite a long story!), and I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my entire life!!

I basically crashed in 2001 and was put on sickleave in February 2002 - and part of what held me above the water then was Zorro! He was ALWAYS there for me, and even though I didn't care about myself and I was living in a great big mess, I couldn't let things go completely, because I was responsible for him. He didn't deserve being neglected and he needed food and water, so I at least had to keep some kind of contact with reality, thanks to Zorro!

I slowly worked my way back, and I think the first big turning point came in 2004 when things really started to turn the right way - even though I had a long way to go yet.
Around this time Zorro and I had a nasty experience in our garden. We had a fairly new neighbour who had bought a Labrador puppy ... I was out with Zorro on a leash, when the puppy came rushing up to us - without a leash!!! Zorro was completely hysterical, and I went into a state of panic. The only thing in my head was getting Zorro inside - but trying to handle a cat that is hysterical is not really a good idea - so he slashed me up pretty good. It was really lucky for me, my mother was down for a visit, because we eventually managed to separate cat and puppy and get Zorro inside - but it was certainly a very very nasty experience!!

In May 2005 we moved to the current apartment, in a town about 20 km away. Zorro didn't care for this move at all, he didn't feel well!! He was very upset whenever I left the apartment, and he almost stopped eating for a while, which was quite disturbing. Eventually he got used to this new place, and I think he liked it a lot in the end. There's a balcony, which we put a net on so he could go out there without me being afraid for him.

I went back to full time studies in 2006 and while I've had some set backs (some bigger than others) basically my life is working out now ... and I have Zorro to thank for SO MUCH!!
He was been there always, no matter what! I have done some not-so-great things over the years, I have made some bad decisions every now and again, but no matter what, he has always waited for me at home, with a huge heart and unconditional love - no matter what!
I think we had a pretty special relationship from the start, early on I bonded with him rather than with Zimba, and I have had several people tell me (when they've seen me and Zorro together) that we share something special.
Also because he was with me during an extremely difficult period in my life, we connected in a very deep way. Add to this the fact that I have always lived alone and has not been in a serious relationship, Zorro and I have truly bonded. He wasn't always very sweet and did everything perfectly, we fought on occasion, I yelled at him and was annoyed at him (and he was probably quite annoyed with me too at times!) but when it really mattered, we were there for each other.

Lately I have started taking him on the train to visit my families and the summerhouse, and it has worked out really really well - and I think he really really trusted me!! He could get agitated and nervous, but when he saw that I was there, he felt me and smelled me, he calmed down. I am very happy that I was able to be there for him during that last hour, and that he could fall asleep in my lap that last time ...

I think my life is going in the right way now - a lot of things haven't worked out lately but I think I know why now and I think I know what I need to work on in order to work it out - and I have Zorro to thank for a lot of this. I'm not saying he did it all, I have fought a lot on my own, and I have gotten help from others as well, but I don't think I had gotten through things in the way I have, if I hadn't had Zorro!

People have asked me - before I had to put Zorro to sleep - if I should get another animal when Zorro wasn't around any more. Many people who have animals and enjoy that, want to continue having animals, and when you have gone through your grieving process after one animal, you want another one.
I have been a bit reluctant, mostly because my current life situation isn't exactly animal-friendly ... but after yesterday, I know I do not want another animal, at least not in a very very long time. And I also know why.
It's because I never felt "I had an animal" before. "I had Zorro." It was HIM, very distinctly HIM - and no matter what, I can never ever have him again. And to be honest, if I can't have him, I don't think I want anybody else. (yes, I know this might be a natural reaction and I might change my mind - but somehow I doubt I will change my mind ....)

So THANK YOU ZORRO for being a part of my life for such a long time.
I Will Love You Always And Miss You Forever.

En Livskamrat På Livets Resa

2010-11-15T22:43:00.004+01:00

Jag skrev den här dikten till min mamma när hon hade fått ta bort sin dåvarande katt, Zorros bror Zimba - och jag ville gärna dela med mig av den nu när även Zorro är borta.

EN LIVSKAMRAT PÅ LIVETS RESA

En livskamrat bredvid mig går och håller hårt min hand.
Vi följas åt längs vägarna, genom livets land.
Vi delar gråt, vi delar skratt.
Vi delar dag, vi delar natt.
På livets långa resa.

Den väg vi går tillsammans slutar på en strand.
Tittar ut mot horisonten, tar farväl vid havets rand.
Delad glädje, delad sorg.
Delad trygghet i hemmets borg.
På livets långa resa.

Min livskamrat försvinner bort, in i evigheten.
Vem finns kvar på stranden? Endast jag och ensamheten.
Sorgens tårar väter min kind.
Allt jag hör är ensamhetens vind.
På livets långa resa.

[Apologies to readers who can't read Swedish - this is a poem I wrote to my Mum when she had to put her cat, Zorro's brother Zimba, to sleep. I thought it would be nice to share it today, but I can't make a translation of it, I'm sorry.]

R.I.P. Zorro ~~ 5 July 1997 - 15 November 2010

2010-11-15T21:01:00.002+01:00

Sad news today.
I had to take Zorro to the vet today, as he has had some problems with his bowels for the four, five days or so - the past two days I've found blood in his stool which worried me a lot.

I had never seen a vet here before, but it worked out fine and I met a really nice veterinarian. We talked for a while before she examined him. The first thing she discovered was that he probably had a teeth problem, an illness which basically causes the teeth to rot, and they have to be removed.
After having examined him further she said that in all likelihood he had a fairly large tumour somewhere in his stomach - and that would take a lot to sort out. Examinations, tests, treatments, operations ... and before she even finished telling me all about it, I had made up my mind.

Zorro had a calming shot first, causing him to fall asleep peacefully in my lap, in about five minutes. After that we put him on the examination table, and he had the fatal shot.
The whole thing took about an hour, and it's definitely the most unreal hour in my entire life.

I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that this was the right decision at the right time - and that feels "good" (or whatever word you're supposed to use in circumstances like this).
My problem is trying to deal with my life without him. He's been my top priority and the first "person" I think of regarding everything ... now I have to go on without him ...

I will make a real, longer entry about Zorro, about his life and the relationship we had - but I cannot bring myself to do that today, so I will have to do that tomorrow.

I Will Always Love You.

A Very Long Day!

2010-11-14T20:37:00.002+01:00

Today has been one of the longest days of my life - and one of the harder ones too.
Late last night, I discovered Zorro isn't doing so well right now. He's having a hard time using the litter box, and there's been a fair amount of blood in his stool (which is very loose and just ... strange) - so I'll be calling a veterinarian first thing tomorrow morning.
I don't know anything about these things, I have no idea how serious this is or what it could be - but since Zorro is old now (he's 13½ years old, and generally you say cats of his breed lives for about 10 years) I know I won't do a lot of treatments or invasive procedures on him ...
So if this is not a problem that is very easily fixed ("it will get better of its own" or "give him a pill for 10 days and he will be over it" basically), I will make the decision to put Zorro to sleep.

I have been extremely tense all day, and suffered a nasty headache so I have had problems focusing on anything else besides this. I know there's nothing I can do, and I have to wait and see what the vet thinks and says about all this, but it's impossible for me not to think about it.

I know Zorro has had a really good life, and I know that hard times lies ahead that will affect him badly, but just the thought of going home alone tomorrow and having to start clearing away all of his things makes my heart just tear ....

This has been a very long day indeed, I only slept a few hours last night, and I doubt I'll sleep any more than that tonight - but this is the way things are right now and I simply have to work my way through it.
I cannot guarantee an entry tomorrow, depending on what happens - but no doubt will I sooner or later let you know what is going on.

Celebrating 27,000!

2010-11-12T22:06:00.002+01:00

YAY! We passed 27,000 visitors today! :) Thank you all for coming and for taking an interest!

I went to Uni early this morning, first time in ages! *oops* Was there a few minutes past 8, and at first I got some work done on the computers - managed to finally locate a really important article for my master's thesis, printed some stuff for a seminar next week etc.

After that I got some regular studying done, with a bit of mixed feelings actually. Like I said in my last entry, most things in my life are very complicated right now, and I find it difficult to sort everything out. I know I have SO much that HAS to be done and that HAS to work out - but I also know that if I push myself too hard, I'm just gonna crash and it'll all blow up in my face. The thing is, where do you draw the line? I need to push myself, otherwise everything will get screwed up, but if I push myself too far, it will still be screwed up. Ah well ...

I had lunch with Elisabet, which was really nice! Not that many "Old Testament-people" around these days - and to be honest, I haven't exactly been around much myself either lately!! :) Hopefully I'll be able to spend a bit more time around Uni from now on.

I went home after our lunch, and not that much has happened this afternoon. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that spending half a day at Uni, with all the things involved there, actually does make me tired now. I do feel anxiety for a lot of things now - when I allow myself to actually feel it - and that does make me tired. Once again the question of when I can be allowed to be tired and to take some kind of recovery-time, and when I just have to push and push and push in order to get things done.

Needless to say, things are a bit confusing and ... well, I guess confusing pretty much covers it. Still, I have hopes that I can start to change things, even though it will take a great deal of hard work!!

Wind of Change!

2010-11-11T19:32:00.003+01:00

When I was about 13 or 14 I really liked the song "Wind of Change" by Scorpions - and I really feel the title is appropriate in my life right now.

As you might have understood, I haven't been feeling so great lately - to be frank, things haven't worked out well in quite a long time, if you look at the big picture.
And, as usual in this life, everything tends to happen at once. I apologize for this vague entry, but what is going on in my life now is very, very personal, and I haven't figured it all out myself yet, so I don't feel up to pouring it all out in a public blog just now ...
Basically, a lot of stuff has hit me in the head like the famous 'ton of bricks' and at the moment, I'm trying to deal with the entire 'ton', not allowing it to crash me, learning something from it, while not forsaking all the practical aspects of my life. Quite a task actually.

What I have brutally come to realize (that ton of bricks is quite a wake-up call!) is that I have to change a lot of things in my life, and I mean a lot! Also, I have to go back to a basic level, and - more or less - change ME! There are a lot of personal features that I have developed and/or nurtured for a long long time that I have come to realize need to change, and change now!
I don't mean to sound overly dramatic - I don't quite like the whole drama-queen-thing - but there are some major changes going on in my life right now ... and that can sometimes be difficult to handle.

I am highly motivated to go through with these changes, I know they are good and, to be frank, quite necessary if my life is going to function in a decent way, but I also know there will be setbacks and none of these changes come easy.

I hope I can keep this blog alive even though it might not be very specific regarding these things, as they are deeply personal. But this blog has been a part of my life for some very eventful four years, and I would of course like to try and keep it that way!

This is a quick - and vague, I know - update to what my life circles around right now. Hopefully I will be back with other entries, both regarding this kinda deep subject, but also about other things that go on in my life.

I'm sharing some photos from my last photo walk as well! I had hoped to reach the ocean to catch the sunset - but the sun sets SO quickly this time of year, I think I missed it with like two minutes!! Still, the photos turned out okay, I think.

Drowning!?

2010-11-03T16:16:00.002+01:00

First of all, I took these totally cool photos of the sun outside my living room window (I just love my zoom lens!!)! I have to say that I'm fascinated by the colours and contrasts of the photos - what do you think?

Moving on to not-so-pleasant matters. I have been going through some tough days now, and even though I know they appear every now and then, they're not so nice to deal with.
I'm very worried about lots of things in my life right now, and none of them are really going to be solved any time soon - meaning of course I just keep thinking and wondering and not being able to do a lot about it.
I have "sort of" let one thing go now, but I have a hard time letting difficult things go, even though I know I should be focusing on other matters.

I realize this is very vague, but I find it difficult to articulate how I feel about what to myself, and I definitely don't want to do it in a public blog - but there are a lot of things that have been accumulating for a while and I really do feel like I'm drowning!
I guess all I can do is try to calm down and see what I can do and try to focus on that. As usual, it's easier said than done though...

I had a meeting with my professor yesterday, about my master's thesis - the meeting started well, but ended up feeling worse and worse. Nothing against him, he's really fantastic and he tries to help me as best he can - but I really do feel awful and that makes it really hard for me to focus and get something out of a tutoring meeting like that. But it's a shame, because I don't see him very often and I will have to get a lot of things done until our next meeting. Ah well, yet another thing that shouldn't occupy my mind, I guess, since it's already happened ...
We did have a nice moment just as I arrived. He was in the teacher's lounge (which is sort of next to his office) and called out to me when he saw I came. Apparently he'd seen the lists of applicants for next semester's courses - and since we're in the middle of changing everything (yes still, our education system - in our Department - has been more or less constantly changing since 2007) it was a huge confusion and mix-up regarding the courses. After confronting and challenging a former student counsellor and a secretary we finally realized that there are 26 applicants for the Hebrew course - which is GREAT! :)

I'm working really hard at making a "come-back" now, mostly because I know I HAVE to make things work. I have a strong feeling that by the time we reach March, I will have gone to Hell and back, possibly more than once! But I simply have to make it work, there are no other options at this time, so I really hope I can pull my act together and MAKE it work - even if it doesn't work perfectly!

Finishing off with a recent photo of my darling! :)

Lots To Deal With

2010-10-28T20:23:00.002+02:00

Today has mostly been a strange day, not quite sure what to say about it actually.
I ended up deciding not to go to Uni, for some reason or other, being at the Department hasn't really been working for me this semester. Well, I'm starting to think it's going to have to work from now on - because today they started the major renovation-project (bathroom and most of the kitchen) in the house next to mine. Meaning almost constant concrete drilling ... let's just say that does not constitute the ultimate study environment!! *sigh*

I'm often feeling extremely tired, I have been for most of the semester, and that is not something I'm really comfortable with - especially not since I'm going to have to put my studies in overdrive starting NOW! I will try to get better at eating vitamins, and also eating a bit better than I have been doing - but at least I'm exercising every day now ... that should count for something, right? :)

I'm facing a couple of new challenges now though, that I'm starting to get anxious about. One will be dealing with a straight up "old-fashioned" anxiety attack tomorrow morning (or possibly two, depending on what happens!!), so I'm going to have to try to prepare for that. I will also have to take on another kind of challenge during the weekend.
I think I'm right in acknowledging the fact that I do feel anxious, and trying to deal with it - instead of just postponing things, telling myself I'll probably feel better about them later on ... but that doesn't make me feel much better right now! Still, I think I actually will feel better when I start to see that things are actually getting done, that I'm conquering my challenges and actually dealing with them - at least I hope so!!

With that being said, I'm going to try to take a while and write in my diary tonight! I usually find it difficult to do so in the evenings now, I usually want to write in the morning. And while I cannot neglect my morning-diary-routine, I can't write everything in the mornings, because then I won't get any sleep at all. So hopefully I can get through some things tonight, and deal with the rest, and the more immediate preparations tomorrow morning.

Ups And Downs!

2010-10-27T20:59:00.003+02:00

This week has certainly had its ups and downs ...
Monday was a really terrible day! Don't know why really, it just ended up being really totally bad. I think I kept trying to sort it out - and trying and trying, but it just wouldn't work out no matter what.

Yesterday was a lot better. I went to Uni pretty early and felt like I got at least a fair bit of work done, which was nice. I also met Maria, which was ages ago, so it was nice catching up with her as well.
We went to a seminar together, where Ola Wikander (who has the first half of the Hebrew/Old Testament course, where I've been mentor) presented parts of his dissertation. I will be presenting my master's thesis in this seminar at the end of February, and it's really nice and very educating to be there - but kinda scary as well! :) While everyone is friendly enough, I can't say that I look forward to presenting my own work there, that's for sure.
And, in line with my thinking from the previous post, I have to admit I do have fairly high anxiety levels. I mean, they're nothing compared to what I felt back in 2002-2003, but they are relatively high compared to how I usually feel now. This does take its toll later on, as there is a recovery process involved after having experienced anxiety - so I felt more dead than alive last night and my plans of cleaning and studying basically fell flat.

Today was not great ... I slept really poorly and overall the night was just ... strange. Meaning I ended up with a really bad headache and basically slept between 6 and 10 a.m. Uni was out of the question but I got a pretty abrupt awakening as it seemed like one of my email addresses had been hacked into!! It's not one of my active addresses - thanks for that at least - but it still feels awful! I managed to go in and verify the account and verify the email address and change the password - and send an apologetic email to everyone in my contact list - and hopefully that will be the end of it.
The headache stayed for most of the day and even though I haven't been in pain during the late afternoon and evening, I have been very sluggish and haven't gotten much done at all.
I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow ...

Finishing off with a digi.scrap of my sisters! :) Enjoy!

Thinking AND Doing!

2010-10-24T20:57:00.002+02:00

I do feel like I've been able to both think AND do this weekend, even though I always tend to stress out and feel like I should have done more ...
I've been going through most of a commentary I'll be using for my upcoming paper, and I'm almost done with the translations I've been doing! Also cleaned most of my apartment and sorted through some stuff.

Generally though, I feel really tired! Not sure what's up with that - even though I guess a simple answer would be the fact that I really don't sleep well at night. I think I've just gotten used to my strange "night routine" (although it's not really a routine as it varies from night to night) that I don't even think about it being not-too-good - but I think that could explain why I always feel exhausted no matter what.
Not sure how to change it either unfortunately ...

My most recent thinking process has landed me with a bit of a new idea though! It started a couple of days ago but the more I think about it the more I think it is relevant.
Fact is, I'm doing SO much better now, in general terms, than I did some 3-4-5 years ago, it's almost hard to imagine what my life was like then. Unfortunately I have noticed though, that while I'm doing so much better, socially and with my anxiety, my life hasn't really been "working out well" lately anyway. And I actually think I may have found the explanations and reasons for that.
People living with anxiety problems will recognize this, I think, because when you're dealing with anxiety you're going through Hell. Not all, but some anxieties are also irrational - like mine were. Extreme fear of meeting people or talking to people is definitely irrational, and knowing that your fears are irrational makes them very difficult to deal with, because you have to deal with both the anxiety in itself as well as the knowledge that your fears are just "silly" and "not real". When you get out of that anxiety, it's like a drug!! When you realize you can live your life and do things and go places and talk to people and "it's okay", you don't feel terrified and have to muster all your strength to do it - it's fantastic, a feeling beyond description!
And believe me, because I've gone through that in recent years!!

The problem is, like with most drugs, that it's addictive!! Once you've been able to feel this way, you never want to let it go!
For me, that has meant actually not admitting or acknowledging that there are still things in my life I feel anxious about and get anxiety attacks over. Well, really huge things (like essay seminars!!) are not included in this - but smaller things. I think I try to oppress these things, for two reasons!! One is this "drug-effect", I DO NOT under any circumstances want to feel anxiety ever again, so if I pretend that these situations either don't exist at all, or that "they're not so bad", then I won't get an anxiety attack. The other reason is the fact that since I'm doing so well, it seems like there's a universal truth - for me as well as for others - that I don't have anxiety attacks any more.

The consequences of this for me has been that I tend to postpone or outright ignore things and situations that will cause anxiety!! It has not been uncommon for me to tell myself that things "aren't so bad" or that I can't let this-and-that take on such enormous proportions - all to avoid the anxiety. But when it comes to the crunch and there's no turning back, I have been completely overwhelmed and more times than not, I have not been able to go through with whatever it is.

I'm not saying that this is the ultimate solution to all my problems - but I think it does play a big part it in.
Soooo, now I'm trying really hard to allow myself to have anxiety attacks. I have beaten anxiety before, I still have the methods and means and motivation to cope - but I can't ignore the fact that it's there. Instead I have to acknowledge the anxiety and work through it, instead of avoiding it!
I have postponed a lot of things during the last year or so, some things have gotten more severe consequences than others, and I think basically that when I've felt uncomfortable with a situation, or felt that things didn't work out smoothly, I've felt like: "Well, I'll feel better about this tomorrow, or next week, I'll get on it then." Problem is, this is anxiety related and it will never feel better, unless I work with the anxiety - which of course I haven't!

Like I said, I'm not saying everything will work out perfectly from now on, but I do think I will be able to cope with my life better having thought of this. If I allow myself to feel bad and have anxiety I can work with that and still cope and get things done - instead of telling myself that I'll feel great just so long as I don't have anxiety! Sure it's great not to have anxiety, but if it means the rest of your life is going down the drain ... what's the point?

Wow, I really didn't think this would be such a "deep" entry - but it feels kind of good to have articulated this, not only in my personal diary but more openly as well.
I've gone back and read a little in this blog from when it started, during the fall of 2006 - and I was way more open with how I felt and dealt with different things then than I have been lately ... maybe I should go back to being a bit more open ....

Anyway - here's hoping these new thoughts will help me make next week work out in an acceptable way! :)

Time For a Change!

2010-10-23T16:47:00.002+02:00

Well, as I hinted in my last entry, I felt it was time for a bit of a change with this blog - it's basically looked the same since 2006! And while I was happy with that layout, it's nice to make a change as well, isn't it?

As you can see, the basic colour scheme of the blog is pretty much the same, I've modified a Blogger template to fit with my choice of colours - but I like the borders you get here, and the background is quite nice too!
Just one thing I don't like ... :) I'd like the title to be centred just like the text and logo below, but apparently to do that you have to manually change the html code in the template and let's just say that was way to technical for me! *lol* Guess it works this way as well! :)

I hope you like these changes to the blog (otherwise I have the old template saved as well, so I can always change it back!)!!

After this little computer break, it's high time for me to get back to cleaning my apartment!

Theory and Practicality - and a Musical!

2010-10-23T11:05:00.002+02:00

This week has mostly centred around the terms theory and practicality for me. I think I am more of a theory-person than a practical person - it's important for me to think things through, to figure out why I react the way I do, things like cause-and-effect, the correlation between various things in my life. I write a lot, and have done since 2004 - so the theoretical side of my life is quite important to me.
I am however quickly realizing that life is far from all theory! Theory is great, but the question is how useful it is if you can't put theory into practicality! If you can't make practical use of your theories, then what's the point?
So basically what I'm working on now is actually putting all my thoughts and theories into use, making them work for me and moving them from my mind and from a piece of paper into the real world. Not always an easy thing to do, but I think it's worth putting an effort into!

Apart from studying - which is a constant factor in my life even though I don't spend much time at Uni these days - I have managed to get some practical stuff done now, and it's good to have got those out of the way.
One thing has been this HUGE renovation which will take place in January-February next year. I dread it SO much (long story), but at least I now have done all the practical stuff involved, chosen the look of the bathroom, placed the official order (they will also wallpaper my hallway, as they indicated they will probably do so much damage to it, I might as well get new wallpapers while they're at it) and stuff like that. What's left there is basically how I'm going to handle it, as I won't be able to live in my apartment for about 3 weeks ... but I'm trying not to panic about that just yet ...
I also managed to sort out some banking errands that I've been putting off for a while, so it feels good to have done that now - hopefully things will work out from now on!

The bit of really good news then ... :) I found out that one of my favourite Swedish musical artists, Christer Nerfont, will sing Jekyll & Hyde in two shows - in my home town!!!!! We have a rather small theatre here, but never get any of the "good stuff" *lol* - that's usually put up in Malmö! It is the Malmö Opera doing this as well, but it's so cool they will do two shows here! :) I booked myself a ticket for November 27 yesterday and I'm totally looking forward to it. I was sad I never got to see Jekyll & Hyde when it ran in Stockholm, so seeing it now will be great, especially with Christer!! (He sang one of the songs, I think it was "Dangerous Game", on a Musical Highlights concert I saw a few years ago, and I was really impressed!!)

Finishing off with some photos from last Saturday - of two big girls and a great looking brand new car! :)

(Also thinking a bit about changing the layout of this blog a little bit, it's basically looked the same since 2006!! Not quite sure yet though - and it won't be that big of a change if I decide to do it!)

26,000!!!

2010-10-18T21:36:00.002+02:00

Yay for reaching 26,000 visitors!! :)
I actually noted it yesterday, but that post was long enough, without including this little celebration as well! :)

Today hasn't been a great day, although it hasn't been all bad either. For some reason I'm really tired now, like constantly exhausted - and let's just say I don't quite have time to be tired right now! Still, I think I could sleep 20 hours a day if I had the chance!
I'm trying to get started with regular exercise (which is easier said than done since I probably haven't done any exercising since I was about 12 years old or something *horrible, I know!!!*) and I'm also trying to eat a bit better and take more vitamins ... hopefully that will make me feel a bit better - and who knows, I might even loose some weight in the process! :)

I had planned to go to Uni today, but I simply couldn't bring myself to get going ... so I stayed home. I've been working on some translating (working on Exodus texts now, mostly, if anyone happens to be interested), and I hope I can finish that tomorrow and move on to commentary literature.
Tomorrow will basically be a full day at Uni! I probably won't leave extremely early (especially since I don't sleep very well right now) but I have a seminar at 1 p.m. so I won't be home until at least 4-4.30 ... and my aim is to get some work done during the morning as well.

Oh yeah, and I do have photos from Saturday in Gothenburg, but I haven't had time to transfer them to my computer yet, so you'll have to wait a little for them!

Intense Day!

2010-10-17T21:56:00.002+02:00

Yesterday was quite long and intense - but really good! :)
I went to Gothenburg to meet with my Dad and his family - they have actually bought a new car (brand new, 2010 year model!!) by phone (*lol*) and had to pick it up there!

I left home at 5.45 a.m. - YAWN!! Went by bus first, then had to wait about half an hour for another bus, heading for Gothenburg. The trip went well, I managed to get about an hour of sleep and a bit more than that of studying! :)
We arrived a little early in Gothenburg, but I only had to wait about 10 minutes before the train arrived and I met my Dad and his family!! The girls had really grown a lot, even though it's "only" been about 2½ months since I saw them last. M had lots to show me, things she had done in school, and I talked basically non-stop, despite the fact that she had a pretty severe cold.

We had to wait for about 20 minutes, but then the car salesman actually came in a great big car (Dodge) to pick us all up, since the car store was a bit outside of town. It was cool riding in such a big car, that easily fitted three adults and two kids, in children's seats! :)
Once we got there we checked out the new car first, of course - and it really looks amazing! Naturally there were lots of questions to be answered, papers to sign etc. so I took the kids while my Dad and C got that sorted out - and then we could leave with the car.

I was quite nervous, it being SO new, but it was lovely to ride in it, and according to my Dad, it was really nice to drive as well! :) We'd gotten a road description to a place to eat, so we went straight for lunch as none of us had eaten since very early that morning.
It was quite a nice place and we had a pleasant meal together, but unfortunately I wasn't feeling great (she was on medication the entire day). The girls got to play a little in a nearby playing ground before we headed back toward the city.
They dropped me off pretty close to the central station (my Dad didn't want to drive in the middle of everything, so we picked a spot we both new), and then they headed north.

I took a walk to the central station, but realized I had nearly 3 hours until my bus left, and I was in NO mood to wait around for 3 whole hours!!
I tried checking out other buses (even though I already had a ticket for the later bus, I figured it was worth it, if I could get a decent-prized ticket earlier), but had no luck. Decided to check out the trains as well, even though I figured they'd be more expensive. I got lucky though and found a really cheap train ticket, for a train that left at 3.30!! I had one change, but was still home about 6.45, which felt great!

I didn't sleep well tonight though, so I've been really sluggish all day today, and haven't gotten much done at all. I took a walk in the afternoon, thinking that would make me feel better, and while it was a great walk, I made some mistakes with some buses and it ended up taking much longer than I thought it would - and I ended up being even more tired.

I really need to start giving 100% and more from tomorrow, as things are starting to be really stressful right now! I am however, quite worried about it, since my energy levels are SO low right now! I think I could easily sleep 18 hours a day ... not good! And while I can sit and stare at books 24/7 - if I'm so tired I don't even see the letters, what's the point?

Ah well, I guess all I can do is give it my all and hope for the best, right?! :)

My Secret Garden!

2010-10-13T20:56:00.003+02:00

While I have never seen the musical "The Secret Garden" I have two different recordings of it, and I enjoy it a lot! And now it seems I've almost found my own secret garden - which actually happens to be the cemetery!!
I live next to quite a large cemetery, but I've never really gone in there, apart from taking a short cut through it when I've been late for the bus (*oops!*) ... but I've had a feeling it is quite beautiful.

Well, yesterday and today I decided to take my camera and go for a walk. Things haven't really been going great here lately, and photowalks are a great therapy - at least they work well for me! :) And I really did find a hidden treasure!
The cemetery is almost completely asymmetrical, which I really like! Different parts of it look different, it's not uniformed at all, and it's just beautiful! I have found my favourite corner, which is truly a secret garden. Not that few really large trees, making the sun only shine through the leaves a little, lots of great, high hedges, and small paths and passageways going here and there ... it's just amazing!!

I walked there yesterday around lunch time, and today fairly early in the morning. We had a lot of mist this morning, but just as I got out it started to clear up and the sun came out - the lighting in these huge fur trees and over open newly mowed lawns was stunning!!
I took a number of photos and even though I'm quite happy with most of them, I still can't help feeling they didn't do the scenery justice!
I will definitely enjoy more walks there in the future!

Some photos from yesterday:

And from this morning:

Thinking Too Much?

2010-10-01T19:35:00.002+02:00

This past week has mostly felt strange ... can't really put my finger on it, but it's been ... strange ...

Basically I'm starting to think that maybe I think too much, at least right now! It seems I have a tendency to think a lot but do little - and at the moment I have a lot of things to get through! So maybe I should go easy on the thinking and start doing ... Not sure if I can do that - it's not easy to simply "stop thinking", is it? I think it might be worth a try though!

Intense times ahead, but I have good faith October will be a good month! I'm generally extremely tired right now, which complicates matters a bit - it feels like I could sleep 20 hours a day, at least! Guess I'll have to try to go for a bit more walks and start taking more vitamins - and hope for the best! :)

I'll make it an early night tonight, as I will have to study most of the weekend (due to the "strange" week, I've fallen a bit behind on my studies!)!
Take care, I hope you'll have a great weekend!

A Nice Outing!

2010-09-26T18:47:00.002+02:00

Yesterday I met Annika in Halmstad, which was a nice outing and a great change from everyday-routine! The trip there was rather uneventful and I had to wait about 20 minutes for Annika's train to arrive.
None of us had ever been to Halmstad before, Annika was more prepared than I was - she at least had some kind of map *lol*! - but we figured we'd be spontaneous and pretty much see what happened. In retrospect, we had a really nice day together, but spontaneity might not be our "thing" ... really ...

At first we walked along the big river Nissan, saw Halmstad's Castle and walked around there, photographing a bit. We also went into the centre of town, having lunch and McDonald's and just checking things out. So far so good ...
We really did want to see the ocean though, as Halmstad is a costal town, so we decided to follow the river, as we figured we'd eventually reach the ocean. Well ... we figured wrong!!
Instead we ended up in this huge industrial area, with factories and gates everywhere ... not exactly what we had in mind. No choice but to turn around and go back, and at this point we were both quite tired of walking (it was a fair bit to walk from the centre to the industrial area!)! We ended up at the railway station, but realized we had over 3 hours until our trains were due, and we couldn't very well spend 3 hours on the railway station! :)

So we started walking again!! :) This time, after consulting Annika's map, we figured we'd reach the ocean if we followed a path on the other side of the river (no industries there, hopefully!). So we crossed the river and started walking! Until we came upon a sign showing us a temporary reroute of the path ... and we must have interpreted that sign wrong because we ended up in a real residential area with huge villas all around. We continued walking and basically ended up in a forest ... but when we got out of the forest - FINALLY the ocean was there! LOL!
It was nice walking around on the beach - even though the weather wasn't great - and we did find a quicker way back through the forest!

The whole day of walking had its consequences though! I've been having some problems with my feet lately, and let's just say they didn't agree with the treatment I gave them yesterday! When we managed to get back to the railway station I was in serious pain, and even though we had about an hour until the trains were leaving, we spent the hour talking - and sitting!! - at the station!
The train trip home was okay, but I kind of busted my knee when walking off the train - so I ended up waiting for a city bus for nearly half an hour, as I didn't feel up to walking at all.

There was a lot of pain involved yesterday, but despite that, it was a really nice day filled with laughter! :)
Some photos:

The Contrasts of Life!

2010-09-26T11:50:00.002+02:00

This week has been quite intense!
I did have my sort of "revelation-thing" on Tuesday night, so Tuesday was a pretty good day, although very intense as I was trying to put into practice these new thoughts and ideas I had.
Wednesday was a not-so-great day, for some reason! I think that maybe I expected to much to work out perfectly, and when they didn't, I got a bit disappointed! I had to finish a paper for my master's thesis, and I felt I did a horrible job on it. Well, maybe not horrible, but it certainly wasn't something I was happy with. I had an appointment with my professor the next day, so I had to get the paper done, but I have to admit, I have never handed in something I was that displeased with before!

Thursday was probably the most intense day of the week. I had the meeting with the professor at 4 p.m. and I was very nervous and upset about it. I ended up taking it easy during the morning and went to Uni about noon, spending the early afternoon trying to go through what I should have put in my paper - but didn't.
Amazingly enough, the meeting went REALLY well!! For some reason (don't ask me why!!) I didn't get any criticism on my paper, which I could hardly believe!! Granted, I don't think there were any, like, factual mistakes in it, but I still don't think it was long enough, detailed enough or even exactly what the professor asked for. Still, it's always nice not to be criticised, right?! :)
In general the meeting went very well, even though we had lot of things to discuss. My current study plan, the master's thesis, the fact that my life in January/February will be a huge big mess ... and more. I have to say I get along great with the professor, which helps a lot! We communicate on the same level and he has the ability to inspire me like nobody else. Not quite sure where that's coming from, but it's always been the case!
I came from the meeting feeling great, but very tired, understandably I suppose!

I still managed to get to Uni early, the idea now is to take a break on my master's thesis and complete part of this other course I now found out I have to take, so I got the first book for that course. I ran into the associate professor in New Testament Studies (he has the Greek/NT courses, and I spent a lot of free time on his lectures last semester), and it was great to see him again. He doesn't have any lectures this semester so I wasn't expecting to see him, and we had a nice little chat!
I got some reading done - on Social Psychology ... quite different from Exodus and redaction criticism!! - before heading home. Unfortunately the afternoon didn't turn out well at all, so even though the week overall had been really good, it didn't end great!

This week has certainly had its ups and downs, and been quite intense - yesterday was intense too (mostly in a good way!!!), but that will be dealt with in a separate entry! - so I guess it's not that strange I am quite tired now!
I hope to spend most of today cleaning - my head feels like it's screwed on backwards, so I think studying is completely out! But you don't have to think that much in order to clean, right?! :)

Overdue Photos!

2010-09-26T11:16:00.003+02:00

Apologies for this rather late entry, which should have come several days ago.
For the first time in ages, I was out on a photo-walk, which was very nice. I walked through the Old Cemetery here, which I haven't done before, and it was really beautiful! (first photo is from there)
It's quite small, but they have tried to keep as much of it's old style as possible, and the grounds as well as the tombstones were quite unusual and it was really nice to walk around there.
The rest of the walk was more my "normal route", mostly along the ocean shores - which I love! :)

Hope you enjoy the pictures! :)

Another Day - Another Destiny

Happy Anniversary - 5 Years!

Alive?!

Intense But Good!

Intense start!

Internet project!

Difficult Week

9 months. Loved Always. Missed Forever.

Settling In Difficulties

Summer 2011

Back For Good!

Difficult Times

Sad Day ...

The Flying Doctors

Big Girls!

Back Home Again!

Chaos and Change!

10 Year Anniversary!

11 years!

The Place To Be

The Social Arena

Happy Birthday Grandmother!

Two Better Days ...

Two Difficult Days ...

Sunday Evening

Good Day - Scary Ending!

Moving On!

One Week ... Really?

*Stress!*

Tired ... But Happy!

What An Honor!

Weekend

Intensity

Long Time No See!

Not So Much

Trying ...

5 Months - Difficult Day

Swedish Championships - YAY!!

More Headache - More Exodus

Parting the Red Sea!

Headache and Exodus

Week - Weekend

Weird Week - Better Weekend

Better Day

Headache ...:(

Thinking, Reflecting and Cleaning

Roller Coaster

A New Friend

Quite Intense

Ups And Downs

A Difficult Day

A Strange Day

Bit of Bad News ...

Coping ...

Grief

Visitors!

Latest Project:

Renovation Part III: Pictures

Renovation Part II: Emotional

Renovation Part I: Practical

Home Sweet Home!

Last of the Photos!

My Mess In Pictures!

Tough Week ...

2 months

Looking Back: 2010

As Time Goes By!

2010 Holiday Summary!

Home Sweet Home!

Happy Holidays!

An UpsideDown Day!

A Bit Of This And That

4 Weeks ~ 1 Month

Up And Down!

Collapse

Everyday Life - 3 Weeks.

2 Weeks.

Beautiful!

1 Week

Annual Christmas Tradition!

Stress!