At My Wits End!

I am truly feeling at my wits end at the moment! My life is currently not functioning at all, and I haven't the faintest idea what to do about it ...
I found out today that I failed yesterdays exam - meaning I have failed the whole of this semester so far. It also means that while I can attend lectures on the next course (which started today), I am not registered and cannot take exams on the new course until I have a result on the old one. So, practically speaking I am now supposed to learn more or less 10 weeks full-time studies in about two weeks, until I can take the exam again, while at the same time studying full-time at the new course and at the same time write a full-time essay ...
This being hard enough of course, but I have fully realized I am in the middle of a real depression now, and a really bad one ... I don't think I been in this deep a depression for four or five years actually ....
I have absolutely no idea how I am going to sort this out, because I can't really see any solution whatsoever. I can't take a break from studies, that's virtually impossible at the moment, and I can't cope with my studies when I am this depressed ... calls for a problem, no doubt.

While I could probably sit here and go into detail about my life with its entire chaos the entire night, I will spare you that.
Instead I thought I'd share some nice recent photos ... Enjoy!

Early Morning Photos (taken while on my way to Uni, at about 6.30-7a.m.)



Ocean Photos




My darling Zorro!




Jessica's Websites

Help Needed!

Sorry about the lack of blogging again ...
Would appreciate some advice though, if you have any to spare!
How am I going to handle full-time studies (actually more than that, because in order for things to work out, I'm gonna have to study 150% for the rest of the semster) combined with a major depression which is getting worse by the minute?
I thought I could cope and I'm realizing I don't know how anymore! I'm getting sucked deeper and deeper in this depression, and I don't know how I'm going to cope with studying at the same time, I just don't ...
Any ideas?
(And no, cutting back on school/studies is NOT an option, and NO, you can't just 'snap out' of a depression)


Jessica's Websites

*Thanks A Lot!* *ironic smile*

Yeah, I had just finished a fairly long entry here about my day, thoughts about my life and whatever ... just to discover that Blogger decided to delete the whole damn thing before publishing it ... thanks!

I am NOT in enough of a good mood to try to replicate the entire entry, so sorry about that, readers! Hopefully you will be given the insights of my mind at another time ...

Needless to say, I'm currently living in the world of Bible-Hebrew - any breaks I have are spent working at my forums - which are not working out anyway ... (links in previous entry for those interested) ...

Sorry, I was in a bad mood before blogger deleted everything - I'm in an even worse mood now ... Hope you all are well - take care!


Jessica's Websites

Visiting Depression Land

This will be a very short entry, as I have had a truly horrible day today!
I can't quite put my finger on why it turned out the way it did, but it was a very long time since I felt as bad as I do today! Pretty much every negative feeling you can think of have manifested itself with me today, leaving me more or less paralyzed! (And of course, as always, when I tried to at least do something, it blew up in my face)

I really don't feel comfortable writing anymore, because everything I say will just sound like some stupid melodrama ... I will make some self-promotion though, as I have now finished the layout of my third forum, The ABC Cafe!

Links:
* http://abccafe2006.proboards105.com
* http://007secretagent.proboards83.com
* http://carpediem2007.proboards60.com

I have also updated and redecorated the site where I link all my websites - active or not. I find it very easy to gather all links to all websites in one place, so if you feel like checking it out, do so here:
http://hem.bredband.net/zorro1997/websites/

I hope you are having a better day than me!


Jessica's Websites

Musical Show Stoppers - 23 March

Featuring:
Alex Sharpe
Mary Carewe
Peter Corry
Conductor: Gareth Hudson

Yes, yesterday it was time for the Musical Show Stoppers Concert, with these wonderful West End performers!
Unfortunately they didn't even have a programme, only some little leaflet with information on the performers ... so this cannot be a complete review, as I have no way of remembering all the songs they performed. I will however try to say something about the highlights of the show!

This time it was performed with a different orchestra than I'm used to, the Helsingborg Symphony Orchestra, they were very good indeed, with a lot of instruments I don't even know the name of! :)
The three performers were all absolutely fantastic, they started with some "Musical Show Stoppers" (suitable, huh?) song ... I never really figured out the song nor the musical, but it was a great introduction to the evening!
Peter Corry moved on to singing "Hello Young Lovers" from The King And I, which really was a bit unfortunate for me ... Philip Quast - my number one hero when it comes to musicals :) - sings that song on his album "Live At The Donmar", they had re-arranged it now, modernized it, and it really wasn't near as good as on Philip's album. (I guess you simply can't love everything, right?)
After that, Peter and Alex Sharpe performed "Sun and Moon" from Miss Saigon, which was absolutely wonderful!! They did such an amazing job, and it's fantastic to see real actors, because they actually act out the song! This was really a concert - and the performers had very little space on stage to move around - but they truly did an act!! I think Peter Corry surprised everyone - including Alex :) - when he ended the song by kissing her!
I had even more memories of Philip Quast, when Peter Corry later on sang "Oh What A Circus" from Evita! I really, really wanted to see it again in London ... oh well ...
Mary Carewe did a marvellous job as well, mostly I remember her "As If We Never Say Goodbye" from Sunset Boulevard and also songs like "Somewhere" (West Side Story) and "Broadway Baby".
Peter Corry did a song I had never heard before, called "The Impossible Dream" from The Man From La Mancha, which I really enjoyed ... wonder if that's avaliable on cd somewhere ....
The first half of the show ended with an amazing medley from Anything Goes, with all three performers ... fantastic!
During the second half we saw more amazing work, Alex Sharpe was astonishing in "Whistle Down the Wind" and "Take That Look Off Your Face" (from Tell Me On A Sunday)! Peter Corry performed "If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty And the Beast, the lovely duet "I Know Him So Well" from Chess, fantastic by both Alex Sharpe and Mary Carewe!!
Mary Carewe also sang "Defining Gravity" from Wicked, and it was terrific!! I have heard people saying that's a great song, and I can totally agree now! Makes me want to see Wicked when I'm in London next time too ... don't think it's on my "Musicals-must-see" list ... rather on my "Musicals-want-to-see" list! :)
Peter Corry and Mary Carewe did "All I Ask Of You" from Phantom of the Opera, which was really fantastic ... and in all fairness, Peter Corry ended that song with a kiss as well!
Toward the end of the second half came what I had been waiting for all night: Les Misérables. Mary Carewe did an introduction, saying it was "the most popular musical" (Guess that's true in the U.K. anyway!) and since both Alex Sharpe and Peter Corry had been performing in it, they were doing 'their' songs ....
Alex Sharpe in "On My Own" .... what can I say?!? From now on, she and Sabrina Aloueche are my TOP favoruites!! Alex had impressed me a lot throughout the entire evening, and this just placed her in the "sooo-near-perfect"-category! She was amazing!!!
Moving on to Peter Corry who were doing "Stars" ... and I was nervous!! "Stars" is my song from Les Misérables, I have a pretty strong view of what I like and don't like regarding how it is performed, and it is not pleasing to hear your favourite song performed badly ... I was on the edge of my seat when the orchestra started playing ... and then I nearly fell out of my seat!! He was SOOOOO GREAT!!! I think I pretty much just sat staring in awe .... I have to admit that nobody will ever come close to Philip Quast's Javert to me, and Michael McCarthy certainly isn't far behind, but this guy is definately my number three!! He did such an amazing job with it, and you could really tell he was making an effort! I can't say he completely transformed into Javert, but with regards to this being a concert, without staging or props or costume or makeup, he did a hell of a good job of it!!! I'm SO impressed!

After a great finale the performers were called in for an extra number ... but it was so rehearsed, I think you could really say that was the finale ... "Fame" from the musical with the same name!! It was simply fantastic, the performers gave it their all, and the audience were clapping along like crazy! Me being picky when it comes to things like this, have a bit of a point to make! I really would have loved it if either one of the performers or the conductor (probably the conductor!) would have indicated to the audience to clap during the instrumental parts and the refrain ... and then let the performers be heard properly when they sang individually ... but I guess I am being picky.
I can't help it though, I think that it is important to the people on stage to communicate with the audience in order for it to be as great a show as possible. I actually do have a great example of this from when I saw Guys & Dolls last week! During a solo song by Tommy Körberg, a saxophone player actually came out on stage to do a solo in the middle of the song! It was very effective since you normally don't see the orchestra. When he was done with his solo, Tommy was supposed to finish his song, but before doing that, he communicated with the audience, by looks and body-language, to applaude the saxophone-player in the middle of the song - so that he would be given credit for what he had just done.
I just love that sort of subte communication between on-and off stage! :)

Well, to conclude this "review" (I really wanted a programme in order to write a proper review ...), I have to say it was an amazing evening!! I know I have left out songs, and probably forgotten quite a few as well, but I can't go on writing here forever, now can I?! ;)
All three performers were very impressive, all in their own way actually! Mary Carewe had a very special style to her, and she fitted certain parts and songs amazingly well! Peter Corry had a lovely charisma, and just the fact that he pulled off "Stars" the way he did, gives him top marks in my book! :) Alex Sharpe was probably my favourite, when it comes to her singing and her voice, because you could clearly see a true talent you don't often come across in her!

Hope you enjoyed the review! :)


Jessica's Websites

Not So Great ...

Have a less than great day today, for some reason or other this has been one of those days when absolutely nothing works out!
Main focus now is studies of course (duh!!), but I'm having a hard time figuring out! I know I've missed a lot and all that, but I find it difficult to know how to study ... how much shall I know by heart (because it is really impossible to learn it all), what shall I focus on, how much do I really get ... I mean, I can easily read a grammar rule and understand it, but do I really know what it's about when I see it applied in a sentence, can I recognize it etc ....

Several other things are less than great as well, although that's nothing I really feel like writing about here ... I tried to cheer myself up tonight by trying to sort out a new layout for my Les Misérables Forum, and just went from bad to worse, I can't for the life of me figure out what to do with it.
And it seems there's hardly any activity whatsoever in any of my other forums ...

Sorry, I realize I'm totally depressed now ... I'd better just sign off and get to bed ...
Take care!


Jessica's Websites

Three Days And Counting!

Yay! Third blog-day in a row! :)
Sorry, I am completely overtired, and in a rather strange mood, so you'll have to forgive this rather weird blog entry!

We had the last lecture of the week today, which feels great, although there is some big information thing on Friday I really should attend. The whole university system is being done over in Sweden, which means pretty much nothing stays the same! New kinds of education, new courses, new ways of looking at credits etc ... all in all, it is aimed at making a universal education system throughout Europe, which sounds good in theory! Not that funny when you're right in the middle of it though ...

I had a meeting with my student councellor today, where we tried to figure out what kind of courses I'll be taking this autumn (and coming semesters). Everything was a big mess, but we sort of made up some plan ... but as soon as I got home I realized we'd done it all wrong! *typical* We don't have to apply for next semester's courses until April 15, so now I'll focus entirely on my exam on March 29 and after that I'll have to deal with next semester!

Pretty much studying full time at the moment, and more or less all the breaks I take are aimed at making my forums work. I think I've found layouts that works on two of my forums, so now I'm just gonna have to figure out the third one! :)
Please check out the ones that I feel are working:
* http://007secretagent.proboards83.com
* http://carpediem2007.proboards60.com
I'll let you know when I've completed the layout of my third forum!

Take care! :)


Jessica's Websites

Two Days In A Row!

Wow, I'm back again!! Could it be I'm getting back into blogging again? Well, I guess I shouldn't say too much too early, but at least I'm on the right track now!

Today has been an okay day, I think. Lectures between 8 and 10 ... and I know I'll probably have to have this whole 'Uni-discussion' here later on, I'm just putting it off for as long as I can ...
Anyhow, after that, I sat at Uni studying for two hours before I met my mentor, and we went for a bite to eat.
I really feel I should be more effective with the time I have at home, I just have a very hard time with that. Time just seems to fly by and I have no idea where the hours go. Which is kind of annoying!

Well, I guess I simply have to get on with the Uni-discussion here, I really feel this entry would be very strange if I didn't give you any kind of background.
I am currently taking one of the hardest courses given in the subject of Theology, which is Hebrew. The first half of the semester, it's pure language, just getting the feel for it, learning grammar, hopefully getting at least a small Hebrew vocabulary. The second half of the semester we will review the original Bible texts, in Hebrew, working out what they really mean, various ways of translating them etc.
Now ... had I known how bad I would feel this semester, I would never ever have taken this course, I would have taken something else. This course really, truly demands that you study for 8-10 hours every single day. Since I have been feeling so terrible for the most part, I have not only missed the lectures, I have also not-studied.
This means undoubtedly that I am now in trouble, as the big exam covering the entire semester so far, is next Thursday! I do feel a lot better now - otherwise I would have had to drop out - thanks to some 'alternate solutions' I had to rely on. This at least makes me capable of studying, which I feel I wasn't before. But it still doesn't change the fact that I have missed soooo much!! I'm trying to tell myself that all I can do right now is to REALLY apply myself, work as hard as I possibly can until next Thursday and hope for the best. At the moment, I have no way whatsoever of knowing wether I stand a chance of passing this exam or not, but I will at least try to make a real effort of making a go of it!
*phew*
Hope I wasn't completely boring with this ...:)

Anyway, I have been taking breaks every now and then, and pretty much all I do then is work on my forums. I actually feel quite happy about two out of three now, so that's not so bad, right?! :) Still would appreciate more members though, so why don't you check them out:
* http://007secretagent.proboards83.com
* http://carpediem2007.proboards60.com

When Annika was here, she showed me a little about digital scrapbooking, and being a fan of photoshop, I simply HAD to try it out! :)
I have only made one scrap so far (as I said, any breaks I been having, I have worked on the forums), so please be aware that this is my very first attempt!

Jessica's Websites

Another Week!

The days and weeks certainly fly by now ... and I can't quite figure out why I never really blog anymore. Guess I'll have to try and change that, right?!

Study-wise things are very intense right now ... I know I have sooo much to do, and I never feel like I do enough, which is kind of tough! I really want to try to make the most of this exam, although this entire semester so far has been complete chaos. Guess I can only try to do my best and hope it works out ...

I had my great friend Annika here this weekend - sooo much fun!! :) :)
We went around some shopping centers, saw the ocean (at last ... although it was storm ... *lol*) AND the big thing: We went to see Guys & Dolls in Malmö Saturday night! *yay!* I have written a review below, if you're interested in hearing about it!
I have some photos from Annika's visit ... but I am kind enough to not publish them here, until I have gotten her permission! :)

Oh, another totally cool thing happened this weekend. Something I could never have dreamed about! :)
In October, I went to a really cool Musical Highlights concert, which featured Swedish musical performers Christer and Cecilie Nerfont (they are SOOOO great, but highly underestimated in Sweden, I think)! I had a blast, that was probably the best concert I have ever been to, and afterwards, just for fun, I sent them a letter (they are married, so that helps. *lol*). I only did it to let them know I think they did a great job etc, and I definately did not expect any reply! I didn't hear anything and pretty much forgot about it!
When I checked my emails during the weekend, I got such a chock! I had an email from Cecilie!!!!!!! Soooo cool!!! She was superfriendly, thanked me for the letter, told me about her and Christer's future plans, about the concert they had done, how that felt .... sooooo amazing!!! :) :)

And on that happy note, I will sign off for today! :)
Take care, guys!



Jessica's Websites

Guys & Dolls - 17 March 2007

Yes, me and a friend went to see Guys & Dolls in Malmö past Saturday ... what a lovely evening! I don't think there is anything I like better than seeing a live musical! Naturally I have my favourites and all that, but the atmosphere surrounding it, the excitement when you've found your place and are just waiting for all the slow people to get seated so it can start .... fantastic!!

Principal cast:
Sky Masterson - Tommy Körberg
Sarah Brown - Jenny Silver
Nathan Detroit - Claes Malmberg
Miss Adelaide - Sofie Lindberg

The first thing I'd like to say about Guys & Dolls is that it impressed me a lot, even though it wasn't my favourite "kind" of musical, or musical-music ... (yeah, I realize how confusing that was!) Fact is, there are different types of musicals as well, genres within the genre if you like, and I have to admit that Guys & Dolls was not among my very favourites. Despite that I was quite impressed, and it was wonderful to see a really comedic musical! I find that very rare, most musical has a great sense of drama to them, but there were few heavy, dramatic songs (there were one or two, but they almost disappeared in the comedy).

Claes Malmberg is such a natural comedian, he practically only needs to walk on stage and people starts laughing! He was really at his best here (this was the first time I've seen him live, so it was extra special because of that), and I cannot for the life of me figure out how he managed to pull of the monologues he did, it was outstanding!! VERY funny!

Tommy Körberg is a rock, always a solid wonderful performance. This was the third time I saw Tommy live, I have previously seen him in Sound of Music (1996) and Chess (2003). He did a wonderful job with this part, and showed that he as well is quite capable of performing comedy! :)

I have to say I was a little less impressed by the two female leads though. Jenny Silver as Sarah Brown never really delivered the character, I never quite figured out her character and I got the feeling that she was just showing a stereotypical model of a character, not the character itself. But that might just have been me ... :)

Sofie Lindberg was better, I think, both regarding acting and singing. It was a little hard to get a grip on her as well, as her character, Miss Adelaide, was somewhat ridicioulus, and when you see a show for the first time (and I had NO idea what it was about!) it is hard not to judge a performer without taking into account the character.

Overall though, wonderful performances! Stefan Ljungqvist as Big Julie was SO funny!! :)

And, my first really really real blooper! I'm still laughing out loud just thinking about it.
Tommy had a scene with Claes, and he blew a line. No biggie, those things happen. Claes tried to fix it, and I think he could have, but both he and Tommy had such a hard time keeping themselves from laughing ... when all of a sudden a couple of people in the audience really start laughing out loud! And that was it! Both Claes and Tommy started really laughing on stage, they just had to look at eachother to crack up again! They really tried finding their way back to the script, but it was more or less impossible. Finally Tommy had to walk to the other end of the stage to try and calm himself down, leaving Claes all alone in his corner!
They managed to somehow finish the scene - although hardly following the script!! - and get out of there ... but I'm betting it had been 10 or 15 minutes by then and the entire audience kept on laughing!!
Soooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!

To conclude this little review - it was a wonderful show, with solid performances from the cast - but I have to say that Claes Malmberg was outstanding. The way he moved on the stage and the way he delivered his lines - especially those looooong monologues - were absolutely outstanding!

A couple of pictures of the principal cast:

Jessica's Websites

General Update - Again ...

Oh my, I really am a bad blogger these days ... shame on me!
I remember the times when I was dead set on writing one entry every day ... I wonder whatever happened to that concept ...
Ah well, one can but try, I suppose. And I think I'd better give you a general update ... again ...

Friday was actually a big day for me!! I think that for the first time in my life (and yes, this is pathetic, you don't need to tell me!!) I actually had invited friends over for a meal and a chat ... just like a casual get-together. Anyway, I had invited two girls from Uni, whom I've gotten along with great, and to say I was nervous is a HUGE understatement!
The fact that I was totally late and not at all prepared when they came didn't help ...
They were just AMAZING though, made themselves at home right away (one of them had been here before), started fixing up the desert, helping me with things ...
According to me it was a really successful evening, and from what I understand, I think they enjoyed it a lot to, and that of course means a great deal to me.
I'm pretty used to things going bad right now, so everything they actually turn out right, I'm more than happy about that.
We mostly ate, talked, ate more, and laughed ... and ate ... and talked ... and ate ... *lol* I guess none of us needed a mid-night snack that night, that's for sure! *lol*

Otherwise ... well, not much went on during the weekend, I seem to have gotten back - mood wise - to a somewhat more optimistic view of life. No, not really optimistic, but I think I have accepted the fact that I will experience bad things, but that is not the end of the world. I have coped with SO much misery in my life, I will be able to cope next time as well. And somehow that thought gives me energy to at least try to get things done ....
Study-wise ... well, it's not going as great as I had hoped, but at least it's going in the right direction! I had a real down-turn last week, but I seemed to have recovered fairly well from it.

Today has been very confusing - which also explains this confusing entry, sorry about that! ;)
Some stuff has been really good, and felt 'wow - this is actually working out!', and other stuff ... let's just say, not good at all.

One bit of good news is that I have manange to completely rebuild my James Bond Forum, which crashed .... Unfortunately all the info, all posts, all members, has vanished .... I am however eager to start working on it again. I completed the layout this afternoon, and it's open for visitors and hopefully members *hint hint*! :)
Check it out at http://007secretagent.proboards83.com
Also, don't forget my other - more general - forum, which you'll find at http://carpediem2007.proboards60.com

Enjoy!


Jessica's Websites

Here We Go Again!

I had thought things were about to start turning around for the better ... how wrong I was!
This week has been pretty much a terror, but I'm trying to implement a new way of thinking ... again ...

I don't mean to sound totally melodramatic, but fact remains, I don't feel good that often these days. So I figure I should turn my thinking around. Instead of always hoping that things will improve, struggling to get things to work out etc I should just let it go. I mean, bad things happen to me no matter what I do, so why should I make such a big deal over it! If bad things will continue to happen to me no matter what I do, than I can't go beating myself up over the fact that bad things happen to me. I just have to accept that bad things happen to me, that's the way it is ... I don't mean stop struggling or anything like that, I just mean - don't put any emotion into it! Don't get your hopes up, or constantly think 'If I can just get THIS to work, this & that will work out' ...
I should just work like crazy with my life, but not be surprised or upset when it all crashes! Because history tells me it will crash in regular intervals, I just have to deal with that.

Not the funniest entry - sorry about that - I have a feeling it was a rather confusing entry as well - sorry about that too! Guess I am rather confused at the moment ...


Jessica's Websites

Good News Here And There ...

Actually I'm more or less stairing in awe at my life, which seems to definately take a turn for the better now. I can hardly believe it, after the way things have been over the last month, so I'm almost sitting around waiting for a disaster to occur!

I've had to turn to some 'alternate solutions' where Uni is concerned. I can't say that I'm happy about that, not at all, but I still can't feel bad about it, because the way things were, I think this was my only choice. And after having done that, Uni actually does work out!! I have fallen behind a lot, so I have a great deal to catch up on, but the daily routine of Uni is working now - and nobody is more greatful for that than me!

Also, another thing. It might not sound like a big deal to most of you, but considering my problems and the way I have been feeling these past five weeks or so, it is really huge for me. Since I had to cancel on a party I was invited to due to bad train trafic, I decided to invite two girls from Uni to my place just for a light meal and a chat. This is something I really don't do, unless it's people I really know, so this felt like a big step! I really like these girls, and today I found out that both of them are happy to come! :) We're working out the details now, and I'm so beyond happy about this actually happening!! I'm very nervous too, as this kind of socialising is rather new to me, and I really want it to work out - but I really think it will! :)

Music From Vienna

Yesterday I attended a concert, where an orchestra were playing classical Vienna-music, these wonderful waltzes and marches by Strauss and all the other great composers.
Unfortunately I was late coming there, so I never managed to get a programme (stupid me), which is why this entry won't be a detailed review. Also, I don't have a great knowledge of classical music, although I had a wonderful time yesterday!!
Just sitting in the audience and listen to a large orchestra playing live is an amazing experience and I really enjoyed myself. This is the third time I've listened to this particular orchestra, the Tonica Orchestra, and they are very good. Yesterday's solist was Elisabeth Assarsson who was sooo talented. There were a lot of operetta music, and even though I can't list that kind of songs and music among my favourites, I think it was really good yesterday!
I also enjoyed conductor Torsten Östergren, he both conducted and played the violin himself - amazing! He and Elisabeth Assarsson did presentations for all the music they played, which was fantastic for someone like me, who doesn't know too much about this!

Just before the break, there was an announcement that Elisabeth Assarsson had just turned 60 years old, so all the orchestra members as well as the entire audience stood up and sang the Swedish version of 'Happy Birthday' to her! :) I think she was quite surprised by that! :)
Also, in the second half of the concert, during one of Johann Strauss' most famous waltzes, four youngsters, probably in their early teens, appeared and waltzed along the isles back and forth! I just LOVE those little extras that the audience are given!! (it was the same during the Musical Highlights-concert - same orchestra! - when they sang songs from 'Kristina From Duvemåla' and had young children up to do a chorus!)
The audience went pretty crazy at the end - and I like that! :) Lots of aplauding and clapping the entire time, demanding extra numbers! And we got them too ... I think five or six (or even seven!??) extra songs - Amazing! Unfortunately, I had a somewhat unpatient gentleman sitting next to me, he started getting a little grumpy and complained about 'never getting dinner' ... which I felt was rude to the orchestra and the solist ...
The very ending was fantastic, the orchestra giving their all in the Radetzky March, while the audienced clapped along! Wonderful!!

Apologies for this not being a proper review, but you'll have to settle for this!
Needless to say, I had an amazing afternoon!!


Jessica's Websites

Lots of Thinking ...

Today has been a rather non-productive day, unfortunately. I had hoped to be able to get more things done, since things actually did work out yesterday ... but it didn't turn out that way. I have done a lot of thinking though. I can't say if I have reached any conclusions or not, but I figure it doesn't hurt to try to sort things out as much as you can.

I have a very busy month coming up, but I hope that things will work out, that I won't be stopped by constant anxiety and such, because I think at this point in time, that would actually be devastating for me! Apart from catching up on nearly five whole weeks of studying - and keeping up with current studies - I will attend a classical-music concert tomorrow, hopefully have some friends over next weekend, then have another friend staying the weekend after that (we're going to see Guys & Dolls - YAY!), than attenting a Musical Show Stoppers concert and then my HUGE exam ... *phew*
In order for this to work out, I really need to be able to stay focused. And if I'm living in constant agony as I have the past month, that is not even possible. I do have high hopes that my "new" approach to things will work out, but I also know from past experience not to take anything for granted! Guess all I can do is keep my fingers crossed!

Take care!


Jessica's Websites

Back Again!

Yes, I think I am back again! At least I hope so! The past month has been pretty awful, but I hope things might start going better now ...
This will definately be a "recovery-entry" where I will try to make some general update, and let you know where I am in life at this time ...

Celebration: 2000 visitors!!

Well, I meant to make a celebration entry to thank you all for visiting my blog, when I reached 2000 visitors - and now I've reached nearly 2100!! Wow!!
Thank you so much for visiting my blog, it seems like you might enjoy it, and I'm very happy to hear that!

General Update

Generally, this past month, or closer to five weeks now, has been very very tough for me. For some reason or another, I have gotten in a downward spiral which never seemed to end. Part of it is my own responsibility, I am not denying that, because at certain points I definately let anxiety take over and take control over my life, and that is never ever good! At other times, I found that I couldn't be held responsible for the fact that things went to Hell. Such as the worst possible migrane attack! I was down for about 18 hours, and I can honestly say that I have never experienced pain like that before in my life! But that also meant that I missed at least two lectures ... and I don't really know what else I could have done? We also had a winter storm here ... which meant that neither trains nor buses were running ... what was I supposed to do about that?
I will try not to sound way depressing, but I must admit that this has been a very rough time for me, and I have felt worse these past weeks than I have in a very long time.
I finally decided on some 'alternate solutions' ... I have depended on them so much in the past, that I really don't want to use them at all, but I came to the conclusion I really had NO choice whatsoever! I think that this has meant somewhat of a turningpoint (starting yesterday), even though naturally all problems aren't solved. Still, I have good faith that I might be able to turn this negative trend around!
But I do hope that I managed to get around to this in time, as it is only four weeks to our big exam ... I really hope I can be able to work my way back as much as possible, and hopefully I will pass my exam! I know this sounds like the usual stuff - you feel insecure about an exam and says 'maybe I won't pass', but I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever been this far behind in my studies on any course before! Guess all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and work like crazy, right?

Internet projects

A bit of shameless promotion for my latest internet projects here!
My James Bond Fourum always welcomes new members, check it out at:
http://007secretagent.proboards83.com - take a look!
I haven't been that frequent in updating my James Bond blog, but I am keeping it in mind!
http://007secretagent.blogspot.com

Also, don't miss my new Forum, called 'Carpe Diem!' where you can just hang out and talk about pretty much anything you like!
Check it out here:
http://carpediem2007.proboards60.com

Winter ... for three days!

Well, we don't get much winter down here (I live in southern Sweden) but when we do, we certainly do!! It's about a week ago now, I guess ... (could be more, could be less, it feels like I've been living in a void the past month, so I haven't been that aware of things going on around me)
It started snowing on Wednesday night! And it snowed and it snowed .... I had lectures at 8 a.m. on Thursday morning, and this was one morning I had really convinced myself I should attend, despite all my problems! I tried checking the trains, and there didn't seem to be major delays, so I figured I'd get to Uni. Yeah right! I need to take a city bus to get to the railway station, so at 6.45 I made my way through knee-high snow ... no ploughs had been out of course. I stood at the bus stop waiting for my bus for about 20 minutes (I figured the buses were late) ... when two people came up to me and said that the buses didn't go at all ...*sigh* Nothing I could do but go home again ...
The next day I really kept an eye on the traffic, but with about 45 minutes notice it was announced that the only train I could take (that wasn't cancelled all together) would be so late, there was no point in me going anyway ... This made me feel really bad, beacause I had missed several lectures and once I had really worked hard at trying to go, I couldn't even get out of town!
That night, I was invited to an informal party with some friends from Uni. Those of you who know me, know that I have great difficulty with my social life, and I need to take every possible chance I can in order to get it to work at all. I was really happy to have been invited, because my horrible self-image keeps telling me that nobody would ever want to hang out with me ... and with this invitation they actually showed that they did want me to be there (there was absolutely no need for them to invite me, so the fact that they did really proves that they did want me to be there!!)!! I was sooooo nervous about the trains, and practically lived in front of the computer to check out the latest. When it came close, it seemed only one train would go in a sensible time ... I would be a little late, but had contacted my friend in advance. This train would depart at 5.45p.m. I went to the railway station and tried to figure out something from the announcement signs ... in a horrible snowstorm ... Apparently the 5.45 train had been cancelled, because the 4.45-train would arrive at 5.45 instead. I waited and waited and waited ... and they announced one delay after another. The last one I heard was that it would arrive sometime around 7.15 or something, and then I gave up ... I didn't even know if I'd be able to get back home... but it felt really horrible!
I had been soooo filled with anxiety all day, these are the things I find most difficult of all in my life right now, and yet I know that I can't skip any chance given to me ... so I worked sooo hard to actually be able to - and talk about anti-climax when I had to wait for the city bus to back home again ... (I am planning to invite the two girls I know best from Uni to some "informal thing" next weekend, so I really hope that can undo some of the "damage" that was done in the snow-storm).
Below you'll see evidence of the fact that we did have winter, although practically all the snow had melted after three or four days ...






Zorro

I have to make a mention of Zorro here as well. I have been feeling like Hell for the past week, and he's just the best friend one could possible have!! I know I won't have him forever, and I dread the day I will have to say good-bye to him, but the fact is I don't think I could have handled my life without him these past years. He's very active and wants his own way, and sometimes he more or less drives me completely crazy ... but when I am really down he's absolutely remarkable!!
When I realize something in my life has gone completely to Hell and I just crawl up in the couch, I can't stand to have any lights on, or the TV on or anything ... I just sit there with tears pouring down my cheeks ... And Zorro jumps up in my lap, puts one paw on each shoulder, starts purring and licks the tears from my cheeks ... it's a comfort beyond describing!!

Some recent pictures of my treasure!





A Good Day

Well, finally we're up to present day! :)
For once I have had a really good day today! I don't know when that happened last, because these past weeks I have been happy as long as I haven't had a complete disaster.
We had lectures this morning, and although I am not happy about having to use these 'alternate solutions' (sorry about being a little vague, but since this is a public blog ...), but I have to say that they worked better than I had hoped, and I really hope that this could be the start of something that can work out!!
Straight after lectures, I went to a rather large mall, and managed to make some finds! I bought a present each for my little sisters (okay - time to once and for all have this sister-name-discussion! I will not name my little sisters online, but I will use initials, to make it easier! My oldest little sister, who is born in the summer of 2004 is 'M' and my youngest sister, who was born this winter is 'I'!!).
When M was born I made a habit of buying her a present every month, to celebrate her "month-day" (instead of birthday!) during her first year! I wanted to do the same with I, but I can't very well send a present for I and not include anything for M!! Lucky for me they are born exactly 2 years and 6 months apart, on the day, so they celebrate the same "month-day"!! Anyway, I did get some gifts for them (naturally it's just small things, since I send them every month!), found new shoes for me ... don't know if they really fit, but they were on a huge sale (they had been priced to 199:-, which is about $28 - £14.50 but were down to 49:- --> $7 - £3.50!!!!), so I figured I'd take a chance! I also bought Dan Brown's book Digital Fortress rather cheap which was nice! I have read The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons and Deception Point before, and I enjoy them a lot!

All in all, I am feeling a lot better now, and I hope that will have the strength to change my life around to something more positive now!!

Also a BIG THANKS to all my online friends who have been very supporting during these horrible weeks!
Thanks guys!



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