Not The Greatest Weekend!

Yesterday was pretty crappy, and today isn't that great either!
I don't really know what's wrong, I just feel awful all the time ... sometimes I think I'm running a bit of a fever, and other times I'm just stressing out completely about the future. I can't really blame anything, but I am in a heep of trouble and I'm not sure how I'm gonna work my way out of it - if it even can be done ...

I won't get into the complaining-routine now, I guess all I can do is try to work my way through it and hopefully things will eventually get better.
I have some photos for you though, to lighten up this entry a little! :-)

Here's the photo of my sisters I mentioned, they have really grown SO much!!





And here are some photos I took yesterday from the ocean (not the usual spot I walk in, this spot is a bit further north ... it's within walking distance although I've never actually walked there - yesterday I stopped with the car when I was out shopping):
Enjoy!

Current Update!

Again a lot has happened, both good and not-so-good ... but to be honest, most of it has actually been good!! Could it be that things might be turning around?!?

I went to visit Lena on Sunday, which was REALLY nice!!! We haven't seen each other properly in a very long time, only brief meetings on the train - on those mornings when I actually had the energy to leave home at 6.45 a.m.!! (not many mornings like that lately, that's for sure!) It was wonderful to be able to sit and talk in peace, and we sure had some catching up to do!
It also felt really good for me to get out of the apartment, I haven't really had the energy to get to Uni for quite a while now, and this trip made it a bit easier to get out of my shell and be a bit more outgoing and active! And I sure needed it!!

On Monday I got a new note from the window company which actually caused a complete mental breakdown! It sounds silly, I know, but this whole windowsituation has been completely blown out of proportion now and when I found out I had to spend the entire Wednesday at home, waiting for the window guys to this time fix the handle to the balcony door, apparently other people had complained ... *SIGH*

On Tuesday there was a post-graduate seminar I really really had planned to attend ... a well-known teacher at the Department was going to present an article on Matt. 16. I felt pretty rotten after the Monday-breakdown, and Tuesday morning started out pretty much as wrong as i humanly possible!! I somehow managed to go anyway, but I didn't feel good at all, so I guess I couldn't take to the seminar in the way I had hoped!

Yesterday, I was at home waiting for the window guys! They arrived at noon, but apparently this was another firm, the actual makers of the windows, and the guy who came to me was SO nice!! He fixed the balcony door in like five minutes, realized that my handle wasn't exactly right, ran down to his car and picked up a new handle, that was in place in another five minutes!! Incredible!!! I wonder where they found the other horrible guys ...

Today I met Sara for lunch in Lund, and that was SO MUCH FUN!!! We haven't seen each other since our celebratory picnic in June, and I've really missed her!! We totally hit it off, and we spent a great lunch, laughing and remembering and disucssinng serious things - and this, just as meeting Lena, just gave a very needed kick to get on with things!!

I didn't get much done after our lunch because meeting Sara really got me thinking. She was the first friend, and actually the first person I really talked to at the Department, and in many ways I see the contact with her as the start of my journey back ... So meeting her now, after all this time, really made me think of everything that has happened the last three years, how far I have come and how I have done things that at that time seemed absolutely impossible!!!!
I don't want to put down everything that has happened this fall, because it's been really really terrible - but now that most things seem to work out again, I really need to make a major comeback and make sure that I do whatever I can to make things work out again!!!!

I got a Christmas card from my sisters today - they must have emailed it before setting off on their trip - with a recent photo of them ... I hardly recognized them!!!! They have grown sooooo much, I just keep staring at the photo! I will try to get it onto my computer and share it with you here, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow!

Take care!

The Window Situation!

Yesterday was pretty horrible ... again!!
To give you a background as to what happened - I'll tell you what's been going on with my windows lately!

We were supposed to get our windows, including the balcony window and door, changed now, as they've been here since the house was built, some 50 years ago. Which sounds good ...
The most important thing is that I do NOT want people in my appartment with Zorro when I'm not around!! Yes, I can have friends over, watching Zorro when I'm gone (though that doesn't happen often, since all of my friends live so far away), but I will NEVER have hired people in here unless I can be there.
First of all I had to change the times, moving everything forward a week because there was no way I would be able to stay at home on the specific date they were coming!! I managed to change it, only to find the "window-guys" (the firm is called Rutek, which is how I will name them from now on) wanting to move it forward due to their schedule. That was okay, so at least we had set a date.

The were coming last Wednesday, on November 25th, it said they would arrive at 7.30 a.m. and that it would take two, maybe three days. At about 8 a.m. on Wednesday, one of the guys came, only to tell me they would come later that afternoon to do one window! My Dad was coming that night, so I asked them to get the bedroom fixed entirely, so I could start moving my furniture back ... but then I found out that they had to replace the window first and apply some "foam" (whatever it was) that would fill in around the edges. That would have to expand and dry before they could finish it. I manage to make him tell me they would replace the window before lunch and finish the window during the afternoon.
Said and done, they replaced the window and fixed the last of it during the afternoon and was out of my apartment by about 3 p.m. telling me they would be back on Thursday to fix two windows in the living room (one small, one large), the balcony door and window and the kitchen window.

They are supposed to start working at 7 or 7.30 a.m. but didn't arrive until about 10.30 on Thursday!! My Dad and I - and Zorro - locked ourselves in the bedroom, but couldn't stand it after a while. We put Zorro in his transportation box and went out ... shopping, filling gas and a bit more. I felt a bad for Zorro having to stay in the car the entire time, but like I said, I don't want him alone in the apartment with others, and I think he would have felt even worse, had I left him.
We got back a little while after lunch, and by then they had replaced the two (which is almost like one) windows in the living room, but that was it, and they hadn't even finished them off!!
They said they would quite for the day at about 2.45 p.m. ... some working hours, right?!? *sigh*

That night, when my Dad and I took some time to relax and talk, we disocvered they had used my electrical sockets for their machine and ripped them right off the wall!!!! Thank God my Dad was here, because he was able to fix it without getting an electrician here, but I still think it's really lazy and ignorant for something like that to even happen!!

They arrived early on Friday morning, but took a break after an hour. My Dad and I needed to run some errands, and since it had been okay to take Zorro the day before, we felt it'd be okay to do it again. One problem ... they guys didn't return!! We waited and waited, and they showed up after about an hour! We went out for a while, and when we got back we put Zorro in the bedroom on his own, but we started clearing up, and I think that made the guys work a bit faster, because we were always around!!
They fixed all the windows, completely and they also put shutters on all but 3 windows. They were going to come back to fix the rest of the shutters, and also fix part of the wall over my balcony door that had been destroyed in the process of changing the windows, they said they'd be back on Monday afternoon. They were, but apparently they could only fix the shutters because they didn't have the stuff with them to fix the wall. By then I was quite annoyed, it was said this would take 2, maybe 3 days, this was the fourth day I had them in my appartment!!!

I was told by everyone that I had to stick up for myself and not just give in to them, so I told them I'd be home on Thursday morning, but that I had to leave by 12 ... one of them came on Thursday morning, he did "something" to the wall and said he'd be back in 45 minutes to fix the rest. That sounded good, but when he came back he just ... well, almost stated, not really asked: Are you home for the rest of the day ... I know it sounds like a question, but it was definitely more of a statement! I said I had to leave by 12, and he said they had to paint as well. I said I'd be home by 4 p.m., but it didn't even look like he'd heard me. He wanted to know if they could come in and paint anyway, but I really don't like that so I said no. He became quite rude and unfriendly and promptly told me that in that case I'd have to wait, they could perhaps get in at some point after December 18, though he didn't know, and that was my choice, and he left wihtout saying goodbye or giving me a chance to say anything!!

It really upset me and I hit almost an all-time-low yesterday!! WHY is it so impossible to get things to work?!?!!? On top of that, there HAS to be something wrong with the ventilation in the bedroom, because there is a horrible horrible wailing sound coming through the ventilation in the window, constantly!! It's shut, but the sound is terrible, and it kept me awake all night! I tried to talk to them about this earlier, but was told they could do nothing ... I'm gonna have to prop something in there tonight, or I'll never get any sleep ...

I've had two really bad days, and I'm feeling really fed up with the fact that everything is going WRONG, WRONG and more WRONG ... I hope I can make a comeback at some point, though it feels like this shit never ends ...

At Last!

I apologize for neglecting this blog right now.
I have to admit, I'm not feeling the best, and when I don't, I can't see the point to update this blog. One thing is if there's an explicit reason for not feeling well, and when you gain something from sharing that, or having a constructive discussion about it - but that is NOT the case right now! I don't even write in my own personal diary much now, and that's something I can usually be helped a lot by!

I think I'm mostly feeling bad because the whole thing with the essays are REALLY confusing me right now, and when I'm confused I can't stay focused, and when I can't stay focused, I don't do anything, and when I don't do anything, I feel stressed out and awful!
(short summary, I know!)

Anyway ... there's always hope I guess, and I'm hoping to get something done today! I have a meeting with my professor tomorrow and hopefully at least some things will become clearer after that ... *fingers crossed*

I did learn yesterday that there is one thing that can actually snap me out of my bad, destructive moods: going for walks! I have never liked it before, but I really do now!! Bringing the camera and taking your time, that is a great way of clearing your mind. You can think about the difficult things if you like, but you don't have to if you don't want to. I'm "rediscovering" my home town in a new way now, and the more I walk, the more I realize there are other places in town I want to explore! Granted, it's not a very big town, but I still haven't covered all of it yet! :)

I didn't take that many pictures yesterday, but the walk did me good anyway! I took a walk in what in these parts constitute "woods" (though not in any other part of the world, I think!), it's a very small area, but covered with trees and it's really beautiful! They have a little "farm" there, with a few animals, ducks, geese, cows etc - families often come there with their kids. I went past there yesterday and encountered the cutest little geese baby ... he kept following me around on his side of the fence! *adorable!*

You can check out the few pictures here:
Out for a Walk, May 9, 2009

(Also, my personal blog has been updated!)

A Long Night Now?!

I had my intentions set on a long night of studying yesterday ... so I thought!
Turns out some less than quiet neighbours decided to have a party ... a loud party ... a very loud party! I don't mind it so much, and thankfully it doesn't happen very often here, but yesterday I was quite disturbed by it.
First and foremost of course because I neeeeeeeed to study now, and that was so not possible, but it was also a bit uncomfortable actually. Not loud music or loud TVs or anything, just a bunch of old guys yelling! Technically yelling - someone could just start screaming on top of their lungs, for no apparent reason! Quite weird ...

Anyway, today has not been a great day, I feel like I'm screwing up this course completely and I don't know why, everything is a great big mess and I'm completely stressed out! I have tons of stuff to do for the exam, and I have a very hard time concentrating, and on top of that I have about a million other things on my mind, that I can't let go of, which means I get even more confused and have an even harder time concentrating. And it's an even bigger mess!
*sigh*

It seems to be very intense here up until me and Zorro go to the summerhouse for our mini-vacation on April 6, but I have to say I am really looking forward to that!! I know I have to study, and it will be difficult trying to get started on my essays sitting there, but I am looking forward to the change of environment, because I hope it will give me a chance to catch up with myself, when I can start sorting through all my thoughts and emotions I'm now doing my best to supress, in order for my studies to work out ... But it's still quite a while until then, and I have to start dealing with oral exams and mentor meetings, and economic problems, and meetings with teachers and mentor supervisions and introction meetings and God knows what - before I can go ... As you can tell, it's hard for me to take one thing at a time - if it's at all possible.

I'll stop complaining now, grab a cup of coffee (or 5!) and continue with "God and His People" ...

I Am Still Alive - I Promise!

I do have to apologize for the lack of entries here lately ... I can't believe it's been almost 1½ weeks since I updated the blog! *gasp*

Still, I don't think you've been missing much to be honest! I generally have a hard time coping with the spring season, and I have certainly felt that lately! The only exception was last year, I think, when I actually thrived during the spring semester - but usually I find them very difficult to cope with.
I have been feeling rather down, and a lot of things have not quite worked out, or ended up being very confusing - and that makes me have a hard time focusing and concentrating, and I end up doing a lot less than I should ... and I get in an even worse mood! :(

The last few days have been very up-and-down ... yesterday felt a little bit better (apart from a few things), so I was hoping things would turn around a bit now - but today has been pretty awful, and now I'm feeling all down again!

I know I SO don't have time to feel down and blue and apathetic right now because there are SO MUCH going on at the moment - but when I get like this, it's more or less impossible for me to "ignore it and move on"!! I still haven't found a way to get all these difficult thoughts out of my mind, and that makes it impossible to focus on my studies ... and to tell the truth, I find EVERYTHING really boring and meaningless at the moment!
When things are as they should be, I would never say my studies are boring - after all, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life!! But right now, everything feels just pointless ...

Okay, I'm sorry - this apparently turned into a more depressing entry than I had intended! *oops* I'm really trying hard not to let these feelings take control of me right now, because I'm SO pressed for time right now!
I have my oral OT-exam next Thursday and I need to study A LOT for that - and I also have to do some checking up on my two essays, because I need to discuss them with the professor when I take the exam ... because less than a week after the exam we have the essay seminar ... and I certainly have to present something sensible there!!
Apart from this, I have to start thinking about my trip to the summerhouse (with Zorro - on a train!!!), I need to contact the teacher who will teach the next part of the Old Testament course where I'm mentor, I need to see her before they start their course - and I need to apply for the autumn semester's courses (I'll be writing my Master's Degree essay), and I have to take another "reading course" during the summer, but I can't be registered on that unless I've passed the one I'm doing now, but it still has to register as being taken during the spring semester ...

... and I totally realize I'm rambling like an idiot! *sorry* I guess I was just trying to make a point, in the fact that I can't just sit back and stare into thin air right now, even though that sounds really great ... *rolling eyes*

Enough ramblings ... basically I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive, still, and that I have no plans to cancel this blog, even though it might seem so at the moment!
Now I will TRY to get some studying done before going to bed ... though I'm not sure if that is at all possible ... Wish me luck?

Weekends = Bad!!

I can't seem to make weekends work out for me no matter what I do! *upset*
Today I've tried everything and a few more things to make it work out, and no matter what I have done, things have gotten worse! :(
I've been in a terrible mood all day, but have really made an effort to change it, to break a pattern, to do stuff ... and nothing has worked!

I don't know what's going on with me and weekends, they just suck!! It's become some kind of weird hang-up for me, and I can't seem to get out of it no matter what I do! Still, things can't go on like that forever either, I have to start making my weekends work ... I just don't know HOW!!! (anybody got any suggestions?!?! *feeling desperate!*)

At least the weekend is over for now, so hopefully the week will work out better ...
My plans for tomorrow are: Old Testament lecture at 10 (haven't made up my mind yet if I'll stay for the whole lecture or just the first half) - then studies in the library, and at 2 I have a meeting with the student counsellor - hopefully he has done his job in writing a letter for me, that way I can finish off my own letter when I get home and start bugging the people responsible for not giving me any money any more ...

That's pretty much all there is ... :)
I'm almost always tired these days, so even though I'd love to watch a movie that's on TV right now, I think I'll go to bed instead!

Feeling Numb!

It seems like my life is just one big major chaotic mess at the moment, and today I'm mostly feeling numb! I haven't had the energy to go through yesterday properly, and I still need to do a personal run-through of the entire week, because it feels like it's been going on forever!
I'm extremely grateful that I'm generally doing so much better now, because otherwise, this week would have definitely led to a break-down!! It's just been one thing after another after another, and I haven't properly managed to sort out one problem (practical or emotional - or both) before the next one has arrived!

Yesterday was a REALLY intense day! I was very tired so I didn't get to Uni as early as I had intended but I was there a little after 11. I sat outside the student counsellor's office for almost an hour before he came out, by then it was 12 and he was going to lunch! I guess he saw the despair in my eyes though, because he let me in anyway! Which was both good and bad, I think. I felt really stressed out because I knew I was keeping him from getting lunch, and he was actually in a pretty bad mood ... Things are chaotic right now, in general, so I guess I don't blame him, but it's quite uncharacteristic of him, so it was a bit of a surprise.
Things were really complicated, he didn't remember me, and we misunderstood each other all the time, which was a little annoying. What came out of the whole deal was that the teachers had basically messed up when it came to the whole essay-thing, and the best thing I could do was talk to 'my' professor in the Old Testament. Since I had a meeting with him planned for the afternoon, that felt great!

After that I got some reading done in the library and also had a chance to catch up a little with a friend I hadn't seen since before Christmas, very nice!
At 1 o'clock, there was an SI (mentor)-meeting, with all the mentors and our supervisor ... I was a little nervous, since I didn't know what it would be like, but I am proud to say that I handle these things sooooo much better now!
The meeting wasn't great, but it wasn't all that bad either. One thing felt a bit odd though ... we were 5-6 people there (1 of them had something else and he kind of came and went), and 3 (4) of them were mentors for the two "basic" courses we have at the Department, the two courses all students must take first as a sort of introduction. First of all, those courses are a bit different from a lot of other courses, which makes them a bit special, and second, all the mentors there, had been mentors before, so they kind of knew the score and had a bit of experience. Me and the other girl are new mentors, but I still couldn't really relate to her. I know her a little (we've taken Hebrew together), but she's mentor for the Human Rights subject, which is sort of a 'sub-subject' (if you know what I mean) to Theology and Religious Studies, and they have even moved away from our building to someplace else ... so I couldn't quite connect to her either ... meaning that I felt pretty alone in my little Hebrew-thing ...
The basics did work out though, which is the main thing!

As soon as we were done I took a bus to CSN (Student Aid-people), as I had some issues to discuss with them. Waiting again of ocurse - this time about 45 minutes ... and when I got to see someone, the lady was totally rude!! And totally incoherent!! It was really a strain, because I hardly knew what to say in the end! I had one basic question, and she didn't even listen to what I had to say!! She constantly assumed what sounded like a simple solution for her (like, basically, she wouldn't have to do anything) and HELLO, it's like my financial future at stake here?!? I got absolutely NOTHING from that visit, and now I have to go by my own common sense! Not saying that's all bad, but I had at least hoped to get some pointers from someone who actually works there! Very frustrating!

Time to get a bus back to the Department, where I got some coffee and ran through my 'spring-semester 2009'-notes, before heading up to the professor. We had set a meeting to 4 o'clock, but he had told me that if I came in early, I could just check if he was avaliable - I went up there at about 3.30, and that was apparently perfect timing (I think he wanted to get home as quickly as possible too, on a Friday afternoon *lol*)!
First and foremost we discussed the whole chaotic-seminar-thing, which has just become absurd. My professor had to rush off to talk to the New Testament professor, who aparently had checked it out ... but it didn't turn out great anway. What we did decide was that I AM going to follow seminar (and opositions) at the Old- and New Testament seminars, which I wanted, but it sounded like I really should go to these other weird seminars (for professor I don't like) as well ... and that's what doesn't sound great to me. I'll have to think a little about that though - I have a hope that I can email this other professor and explain what's going on, and say that I have a really busy semester now (which I do!!) and hope that it will be enough I follow one seminar group! Fingers crossed?!!

I got home about 5-5.30 and was dead for the entire evening! Had hoped to get a well-earned long, lovely sleep - yeah right! *rolling eyes* I don't sleep very well in general now, and at 3.30 Zorro decided it was morning ... so then I don't get to sleep either! Thank you very much!

Today hasn't started off great because of this, but I'm hoping I can get something out of what's left of today at least! :)

A Confused Panic?

The title more or less is the story of my life right now!
I've gone into a full-study-mode now, for the exam on Wednesday ... and I honestly don't know how I feel about it! The whole thing is a massive mess, and I usually don't feel quite so confused regarding exams - and I don't like that feeling one little bit!! It's one thing to not feel prepared, I can handle that, but not knowing anything is a terrible feeling!
I have really made an effort on this course, and I can honestly say I have never studied so much for a course before as I have for this one! Still, if I go by the way I have understood the teacher, I feel like I might just barely pass this exam ... On the other hand, I know I have made an effort, and I know stuff, when he asks questions during lectures, I can usually answer them, so I think I have gained a lot of knowledge from studying so much ... and that to me says I shouldn't have any problems passing the exam .... ergo: confusion!!

Another frustrating things is time right now! I know exactly how I want to study for this exam, I know what I want to do and how ... the problem is, I don't have the time for it. I don't think I'd make it even if I sat 25 (!) hours a day until the exam starts, and that means I have to put my energy into prioritizing, trying to figure out what is more important than something else. And I'd rather put all my energy to actually studies!!

Sorry about the complaining rambling! My mood isn't all that bad - even though I still feel my cold and am in pain most of the time - I do enjoy the subjects I'm taking, and for that I am very grateful ... but I can't help this confusion and frustration about the exam. I know there's nothing I can do about it, except give it my all and hope for the best - but it's hard just to stop thinking about it entirely as well.

Finishing with something a little happier. I took a break tonight and did a few digi.scraps - enjoy!







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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Novum Testamentum Graece
Currently watching: Sanctuary
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Meeting Lena, Greek lecture, mentor meeting, STUDIES!

14,000 - Thank You!

Well, it seems people are reading this blog - we reached 14,000 visitors today! Thank You!
Still missing comments from most of you, but I guess I don't keep this blog for getting comments, right?! :)

I've had a day of mixed feelings today ... this afternoon most of it turned bad, so I'm not in a great mood right now, that's for sure! I hadn't planned on making this entry at all, but when I realized we hit 14,000 I just had to write something! :)

I was at lectures today, despite feeling terrible and running a fever. Not sure if it gave me anything, but I feel I should be there for these last lectures before the exam, sick or not. At least we got a few laughs, and that's not bad, right?

I should have gotten a lot of studying done today, but unfortunately I've been feeling my cold as well as a pretty bad headache, so I haven't been in study-mode. I just hope I'll start feeling better soon, because I NEED to start studying for the exam now!! I can deal with the fever with pills, so that's no major concern, but I'm still in a lot of pain, no matter what I do, and that makes it hard to focus and concentrate.

Won't go into a complaining-marathon, but instead try to get some sleep and hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Novum Testamentum Greace
Currently watching: 2½ Men
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Lectures, studies

New Week Ahead!

As usual, the weekend hasn't been all that great!
I guess everybody will want to kill me for saying that, but I opt for the cancellation of weekends! *lol* Seriously though, I can never get a weekend to work out! I'm constantly in a bad mood, I never get things done, and then I get upset for not getting things done, but when I try to get things done, they end up not getting done anyway!!
And yes, there's a tad bit for frustration in there ... :)

I won't make this into a long entry, because I'll just end up babbling incoherently about how terrible I feel right now, and seriously, you folks have better things to do than reading about my sucky weekend!

I do feel divided about all this though! Part of me is happy the weekend is over, because I am usually in a better mood during the weeks ... but a part of me is stressing like a maniac because I haven't gotten as much done as I should have during the weekend and I know I don't have all the time in the world during the week. Life is hard, right?!

It's getting late already, but I'm hoping - *fingers crossed* - I'll get about 1-1½ hours of studies done tonight ... before going to bed (though I'm still yawning like crazy already!)!

Pic of the Day - yeah, it returns! :)




I spoke to both my sisters on the phone yesterday, so what better pic-of-the-day than this wonderful "Yummy!"-scrap! :)

Blog Dedication
To Lena - who's doing an oral exam tomorrow!! Thinking of you, I'm sure you'll turn the charm on and things will work out! ;) *hugs*

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Gospel of Mark, R.T. France (and a lot of other stuff as well)
Currently watching: "Parlamentet" (Swedish comedy)
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Library studies, Greek lecture, maybe meeting Lena, more studies

Right Or Wrong?

I've had a pretty strange day today!
I was supposed to have Greek lectures and a mentor meeting, but when I got up this morning, I decided to skip lectures! While things are going great with Greek studies, the essay is starting to be a REAL problem, time flies and I have no clue whatsoever on how I'm gonna make it work.
I'm meeting with my professor tomorrow afternoon, and I thought that if I could stay home today and prepare Greek like an IDIOT, I'd be so much ahead I could take time to work on the essay from tomorrow after the meeting and at least all the way through Saturday ...

I guess the intention was good ...
But I'm starting to feel I'm going into a phase where I cannot make the right decisions any more ... because clearly staying home was maybe not-so-great! *sigh*

It's not like I haven't done anything, I have translated about 65 Bible verses - and written down the Greek text to about 20 more - which is good, but not what I had expected ... I had actually hoped to have done almost twice that amount! *oops*!
Since I wasn't at lectures today, I have no idea how efficient things were today (that tend to vary a lot!), so I have no idea if I should have done waaaay much more, or if this is okay! I know I am ahead (unless they went through like 80-85 verses today *lol*) but the question is how much ahead I am, because that tells me how much time I will be able to spend on my essay. I will find out tomorrow morning, so I guess I shouldn't stress too much about it ... but since it feels like everything is hanging in the balance, it's hard to to start thinking a bit too much!

Since it's the dark time of the year, I'm also constantly tired - I guess everybody else is too, but I really do need to be more efficiant than I am right now, if I'm going to make this work. And I kind of have to make it work.
Greek studies is going so well right now, and I don't want to start slacking there, and take the risk things going bad there. But keeping it they way I want to certainly requires a lot of time and energy.
And I can't give up on the essay either. I need the the essay on several levels, not only do I need it for my degree (well, sort of, anyway!), I also think it would be really good for me personally if I could finish it! I have never done this before, and it is a whole new way of "studying", a way I will be doing A LOT more of in the future (this essay is 25% of fullt-time studies over one semester, I will also be doing one of 50% (next semester) and one of 100% (next fall)!), so I really need to get the hang of it and make it work!
The only problem is I seem to have neither the time nor the energy to do it!
*sigh*

I know a lot of things in my life are better now than I had ever dared hope, and I do think I'm trying to be grateful for them, and not get stuck in a manner where I'm only complaining all the time - but I can't help getting worried ... the weeks fly by sooooo quickly, and Christmas and the beginning of January will be extremely difficult for me to work out ... so in order to feel really good about myself, I should have about 95-98% of the entire Greek course and the entire essay finished by December 15th ... terrific! *not*

Okay, enough complaining now! I'm hoping to at least copy (if not translate) a few more verses before heading to bed - and then I'll have to start preparing for Greek tomorrow morning and then make a U-turn to try to get to my essay in Hebrew ...

Great Week - Not-So-Great Weekend!

I'm definitely seeing the same tendencies now as I did last semester when it comes to comparing the week and the weekend. When things in my life work out fairly well - which they did most of last semester, and have done these past few weeks - I am in a good mood during the weeks, I can stay alert, I get things done ... and on the weekends it's just the opposite!
I sleep way to much, and I get almost apathetic, I don't have the energy to do anything ... and that feels terrible!
I know the basic concept is that you are supposed to catch up on sleep and relax during the weekends, but that doesn't really work out for me. First and foremost, I never have the energy to study effectively for 8 hours a day Monday through Friday, which means I have to study during weekends. Also not helping the fact that I'm studying more than full time (the Greek-course is full time, and on top of that I have my essay) - which also means I have to study during the weekend. And apparently I'm not ... at least not as much as I should. Which makes me be in a bad mood!

This Greek-course is not quite what I had expected, and it kind of has a new concept as to how it's been before, meaning it's actually more intense than the last course - instead of the opposite. We go through about 35-45 Bible verses every single day - and as I have discussed in previous entries, I have to at least have done the analysis if I'm going to cope.
And I do ... I mean, preparation of one Greek lecture takes me about 5 hours, and that's fine ... I can do that on a daily basis.
Just one problem: My essay!! It has been sooooo difficult to get it going, and now I have at least gotten started (I think), even though I am rather confused. I kind of messed up the seminar, since I had a migraine, and I really feel I have to start getting the whole essay thing back on track again! I also have to have a meeting with the professor this coming week (hopefully LATE this coming week), and by then (or a couple of days before) I need to email him what I have gotten so far ... which isn't much ... which means I have to find the time to add more ...
It's a mess!!

Mentally and emotionally I am doing really well!! I am still amazed at how well this week has been, and how content I am with the way things are on a more psychological level!
But the stress factor, in getting everything done in time and being prepared enough, is really starting to get to me - and I think this gets more evident during weekends (which might also explain my bad weekend-mood). During the week I am so busy just doing things, getting to lectures, keeping up with Greek preparations, meeting friends, do the shopping etc. that I don't really have time to see the big picture - which I do on weekends ... and I quickly realize I'm in trouble!

Okay, enough complaining - sorry about that!
While I am nervous about what the future will hold, and how I will cope with everything, I am 100%, and more, motivated to make it work, and make it work in a good way! And even thoug motivation isn't everything, I know it goes a long way!

I hope you all had a lovely weekend!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Gospel of Mark, R.T. France
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 1
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Greek Lectures, Library studies, cleaning

In Constant Pain!

Well, apparently these last two weeks of the first part of the semester isn't going to be easy for me. Now I'm basically back on track emotionally (sort of, anyway), but instead I'm battling constant headaches. I have them when I wake up, all through the day (in varying degree) and I have them when I go to bed. The only problem is that most of the time they are bad enough for me not to be able to study - which is NOT GOOD when I'm under so much pressure!
I really am trying every trick I can think of, and nothing seems to work! *deep sigh* I'm now on the third day - which isn't that much really, last fall I think I went something like 13 or 14 days in a row, the only problem now is that I don't have the time for it!!
I'm making priorities as it is right now, to make things work, and I'm prioritizing more than I'd like to, so I really don't have time to spend like 5 hours a day trying to make my head at least function on a basic level!
*frustrated and a little sad*

Things are, as you have probably understood, very intense now. I'm having trouble knowing how to deal with what - and that is made even more difficult when I'm constantly in pain - and I keep making plans and decisions all the time, only to realize I have to change them over and over again ... which makes for a very confusing life right now.
Mostly, the Greek is confusing, because I feel I need to prepare texts for the lectures we have, but I'd rather study for the exam (as these texts we're doing now will not be on the exam), and I know that the exam is more important (because it IS an exam!), and yet I have a hard time coping with not being prepared on lectures ... there have been one major incident and a few minor in regards to this and I really have a hard time dealing with that ... Still, I cannot ignore the fact that I have a huge exam in a week - maybe I should start studying for it!?!?!?!? *frustration again*

I realize this entry doesn't make much sense, blame it on the fact that I've slept 3½ hours, had a rather long day with a constant headache ... and there you go!
I am sorry I'm keeping everything so vague these days, it's not usually the way I blog, but first of all, there are issues I haven't resolved fully myself yet, and then I simply cannot bring myself to write about them here, and second, I am very confused right now, and I don't know what is the best thing to do - in many situations! And trust me, spelling it out for you and giving you all the options I'm struggling with, would be even more confusing! :)

My head is almost co-operating now, so maybe I can at least try to get a few hours studying in ... even though somehow I doubt it ... right now the headache is under control, but I do know these headaches by now, and I know that as soon as I try to concentrate the least little bit, it will return with full force ...
Anybody got any nice suggestions for headaches, I'm happy to listen! *desperate* I am however not too desperate, so nothing to fancy, okay? No acupuncture (which has been suggested by a fellow student) and definitely absolutely NOT a doctor ... but any simple home-cures .... ?!?
Thanks in advance!

Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Död i ruta ett, Olov Svedelid
Currently watching: Stargate Atlantis, season 1
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Greek lecture, studies, errands, another lecture

Massive Confusion!

I really feel I shouldn't make this blog entry right now, but since I didn't write anything yesterday, I figured I had to say something.

My life is just generally completely confusing right now, and for some reason, I can't seem to find my way out of it - which is confusing in itself! I don't feel like I'm in control of things right now, I need to do things, and think of things, and plan things and prepare for things - and I don't feel I'm doing that now ... And the more I worry about it, the more confused I get!
I try to make plans to be able to find my way out of it, but for some reason, unforseen things happen, I have to abandon my plans, and after that I feel even more confused.

I'm sorry, I'll try not to complain this entire entry - but this entry will therefore be quite short today - as complaining to myself and anybody who will listen is pretty much what is going on in my life right now ...
What actually have been done today is that I have completely Phase One of my Super-Secret Project! *Yay!* Always something! I still have Phase Two and Phase Three left - but number three is pretty light, so now all I have to work out is phase two ... so hopefully I'll be able to work it out in plenty of time for my deadline!

Other than that - not much to say!
Lectures this morning - loads of new confusing Greek stuff! Met up with Lena afterwards and had a chat (mostly me whining ... *oops*), which was really great. We're gonna meet again on Monday, I hope I'll be in a better mood then. After that ... nothing much ... I think ... Confused ... Again ...

Okay, not much point in going on here. I hope you all have a lovely Friday evening.
My thoughts go to those LUCKY people who are able to tune into the SciFi channel tonight, to watch Amanda Tapping's show "Sanctuary" - originally a webbased show that has now been given an oportuntiy to go on Television! I sooooooooo hope for an eventual DVD-release as there's not much chance we'd get it here in Sweden.
I've watched all the webbased episodes and I LOVE them, but they are very short, so it would be fantastic to see it as a regular TV show!
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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Not really sure - Ambiguity in Ecclesiastes - or something ...
Currently watching: Stargate Atlantis season 4 (?)
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES, STUDIES, STUDIES, STUDIES (possibly laundry)

Chaos And Grumpy!

This morning was a bit chaotic, and didn't at all turn out the way I had planned or hoped! *sigh* I didn't get to Uni at all (sorry, am not in an explaining mood tonight), and that was cause for grumpiness. Then things just turned out really "weird" ... I was going to do things and then I changed my mind and then I kind of ended up doing them anyway and ... : "weird" ...

What is most worrying is how non-efficient I am right now though - because that really has me worried!! I am completely exhausted every minute of the day - which isn't much fun! At any given time, if I lay down, I think I'd fall asleep within 30 seconds! And that makes it very hard to focus and concentrate ...
But I can't tolerate that either! I have been lacking in studies for so long now, it won't work if I don't give it all I have and more than that!!!!!!! *upset* I'm mostly keeping up with my Greek studies, not completely, but I feel like I'm pretty up to speed, and even though you can always learn more grammar, I think it's working out.
I am however, super-worried about my essay - because it seems just hopeless. I don't know what I'm doing, what I should be doing, what I haven't done and what should come of it ... and that stresses me out completely! *sigh*
Since I missed lectures today, I don't know how far along we are exactly, but I hope we can keep doing this chapter for at least tomorrow, so we won't go through any new stuff then, beacause that would MAYBE give me SOME time to get started on my essay! At this point, it's basically reading a LOT of books to get an idea of how to go about it, what to focus on etc, but reading takes time - you can't plough through 2000 pages in a few hours ... *sigh - again*

Sorry, I won't go on and on ... This does have me worried, but I know the only thing that can ever change it is if I get my act together and start really studying! Period!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Diamonds are forever, Ian Fleming
Currently watching: 2½ Men
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Terrible Tuesday Two: lectures 8-10, mentor meeting 10-11, open lecture 11.15, optional essay-lecture 4-6, studies ...

Oh, What A Long Day!

Wow, it feels like this day has gone on forever!
I woke up with a headache - again!! It's lasted for a whole week now, and it's really starting to get on my nerves!!! Anyway, I knew we had a pretty important lecture today, with both the Friday-Test and a run-through of some major grammar, so staying in bed wasn't really an option. Though I tried every means possible to get rid of the headache, I didn't succeed, and by the time I got to Uni, it had started getting worse.
Apart from the headache, lectures worked out really well. We didn't have to take the Friday-test, our teacher is writing a book, and has passed his due-date, so he's quite busy doing that, instead of coming up with tests for us! I guess it was good in a way, but I still like to take these tests, as they give you a very good picture of what you actually know and what you have to work harder with ...
We went through some new grammar and overall, I think it worked out really well. I could participate in discussions, both during the break and after the lecture, and both included our teacher, which I think is a good thing for me. Since I really want to continue within this Department, I think that establishing myself there, both with the student but also with the teachers, is a good thing.

I was supposed have stayed in the library working on my essay, but my headache was really nasty after two hours of Greek grammar, so I went home. I had intended to go shopping, I have put it off for a while now as it's a bit out of my way, but the trains were late, so I missed my connecting bus.
Instead I went home and tried to get some sleep. I slept for almost three hours (!!), and the head felt a little bit better when I woke up - but I was still extremely tired, so I didn't get much done at all! *hate it when that happens* The headache came back during the afternoon, and even though I've tried studying, I don't think I've learned anything! *frustrating and annoying*

I'm starting to get very upset about this headache now, because I can't seem to function properly with it, and yet I hate having to postpone everything in my life because of it, because it's a hard fact of life that eventually I will have postponed so much, I won't be able to catch up ... and that bothers me a lot!
So much in my life is going really really well now - and for that I am utterly greatful - but the headache thing is getting quite uncomfortable now ... Guess all I can do is go to bed and hope for the best, right?! :)

Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Licence To Kill, John Gardner
Currently watching: Family Guy
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Errands, cleaning, maybe laundry, studies

Surviving?

Okay, this has not been a good start of the week, that's for sure!
I woke up feeling pretty terrible this morning, but I really felt I HAD to get to Uni, so I stacked up on medicines and coffee throughout the morning. On my way to Uni I had a few "incidents" (sorry, they're a bit too personal to share in a public blog), and they had quite an effect on me! Had this been two - or maybe just one (?) year ago, I probably would have turned around and gone back home ... but I didn't.

I think I coped fairly well with the lecture - I was asked to read and I did, and I also answered some grammatical questions that were tied into "my" sentence. Unfortunately, my cold was making itself known and I started getting a nasty headache. We went through the second half of the chapter during the last 20 minutes of the lecture, but I felt completely out-of-it, and I still don't know if I understood what it was about!!

I was supposed to go to a store a bit north of where I live to buy some clothes directly after Uni, but there was no way I could cope with that, I even had a hard time making it home.
I have spent the entire day trying to get rid of my headache, no luck! I'm feeling seriously stressed out now, I'm falling more and more behind for every hour that goes by, and yet I know there's no point in even trying to study when I feel like this! To grasp these sentences, and make any kind of sense in them, you have to be 100% concentrated and focused - and with this bad a headache, there's no way I can do that!!

It feels very important to be to actually go to all the lectures now, since I've missed a number of them ... but things aren't always that easy ... I don't have the energy (and my head hurts!!) to go into a long discussion about it, but fact of the matter is, this Uni situation is starting to get very complicated now that I don't feel well. I also have the optional essay-writing-course-thingy tomorrow, which I really feel I should go to ...
And on the other hand - going to lectures today made my cold a lot worse, which should mean that it won't exactly get better if I go tomorrow!
I haven't decided what to do yet, because I really don't know. And I don't think I will decide until tomorrow ....

I have split feelings about this as well - it feels very stupid, and almost petty, to complain about these things, when I know how I felt about the entire Uni situation some 2-3 years ago! I couldn't even set foot inside the Department without suffering a major anxiety attack, I had to work out alternate solutions with every single teacher I ever came across, I was completely socially isolated and couldn't talk to anyone ... comparing that to what my life is about now is almost scary! Now all I'm worrying about is not being able to be at the Department! *laughs a little*
Still, I can't just shrug this off! I know I'm waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy better off now than I have ever been, and trust me, I am very, very grateful for that. But fact of the matter is, for every single hour I don't spent 100% of me studying, I fall further behind. And eventually, I won't be able to pick up the pieces any more! And that is speaking purely from experience!!

Well, after this entry my head is more or less falling off my shoulders, so I guess I shouldn't stay in front of the computer any longer. Just thought I'd let you know what's going on - and as usual it turned into a ramble! :)

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Vildåsnans törst, Åke Lundqvist
Currently watching: 2½ Men
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: I have no idea!

Not As I Had Hoped!

I had hoped to get a lot done today, not only studying but also cleaning, errands and just generally catching up to a lot of things - and that sooo didn't happen. So now I'm in a bad mood!
I guess it started this morning, I got up late, and I had this one thing I needed to do, I had been putting it off far too long - and once I got going, it didn't work out at all! *deep sigh*
Since then it has just continued, in not much has been done at all!

I know I have tomorrow as well, but I'm meeting Kajsa in Malmö tomorrow, so I won't have the whole day to plan. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again, hopefully also her boyfriend, whom I have never met, as it's been ages since we saw eachother. But I still can't help feeling stressed out, especially since I didn't get as much done today as I had hoped.

I have a very tough week ahead of me as well - and I know I can't afford to miss any more lectures, at least not the way I have been up to now, and studies aren't getting any easier. I have lectures 10-12 on Monday and 8-10 on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday ... and Tuesday is really terrible! Lectures at 8-10, mentor-meeting at 10, which I will have to leave early from, because at 10.30 I have to meet with my essay-professor (so I have to get something done on that on Monday afternoon). At 2.30 we have a seminar for the essay with the entire group and 4-6 I have a course in ... bascially it's help for writing an essay, you get hints and ideas and help searching for information and various stuff. I think it will be very good to attend (it's an optional course, and you don't get exams or stuff like that) - but I will definately be dead after that day!
Also, not forgetting that I probably should prepare about 15-20 sentences to the lecture on Wednesday morning ... *gulp*

I don't mind working hard, and generally I feel really good about the whole Uni-situation now, but it's hard knowing that I have such tough times ahead of me, and not feeling so great. I'm really upset about not getting more done today, because I think I would have felt better if I had. I know I can still get a few hours before I need to go to bed, but I'm extremely tired at nights now (might have something to do with the fact that I usually get up before 4 a.m. in the morning), so I'm not sure I can concentrate.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just constantly whining! *apologzing now*
I'll just sign off and hopefully find myself in a better mood tomorrow!
Take care!

An 'All-Gone-Wrong' Day ... Almost!

Most of today has been seriously annoying ... as pretty much all I've done has gone completely wrong - in one way or another! It was kind of like that yesterday too, so now I'm totally hoping for a better day tomorrow! :) (though I have the strongest feeling there's nothing that says tomorrow will be better just because these two days hasn't worked out!)

I didn't get the cleaning done yesterday of course, though I had intended to finish, so I had a lot left for today. My friend Kajsa was coming around lunch, and my plan was to clean in the morning, jump on a train to Lund and get the last things at Uni done, and then catch the same train Kajsa was on ...

I was awakened by an insane Zorro at 5 a.m. and ifgured I might as well get up. Spent some time writing in my diary but started cleaning at about 6.30 ... And kept going and going and going ... and the more I did, the more I realized I had left.
I managed to get pretty much all of it done - I should have cleaned the windows, and mopped the floors, but I simply don't think I will find the time for it now.

I left home at 10 and was taking a train at 10.20, which was supposed to be in Lund at 10.37 ... the train Kajsa was on left at 11.22, so I figured I had plenty of time to get to the Department and fix things inbetween.
The train was a little late, but only five minutes or so, so I wasn't that worried. But as soon we had started, we slowed down again. Aparently there was a signal error, meaning at first we stood still forever, then we could go but at a seriously reduced speed (try 20 km/h or something), and stop at every single signal ...
I sent a message to Kajsa asking her to take the next train instead ... as we arrived in Lund at 11.25!!! The next train would leave at 11.51, so I rushed to the Department ... and then the problems continued!
The receptionists aren't always handling things smoothly, and it felt like it took forever before I could do what I had intended ... so then I had to rush back to the station to catch the train!

I met Kajsa and it was great to see her again!!! :) I don't know when we saw each other last, but it was a very looooong time ago, that's for sure! During her visit, things actually worked out - guess she was my luck of the day! :) She left around three, and since then I've actually managed to relax, done some stuff on the internet ... should start packing but don't really know if I'm up to it right now ...
I've done some digi-scrapping tonight, they're uploaded in the Cute Sisters! Picasa album! :) (if you want to see them, drop me a note and I'll see what I can do!)

Tomorrow will be a busy day as well, I'll be spending the morning packing, then I'm off to a couple of big malls up north, and after that I'm visiting Lena first for a few hours, before going to Sara and Martin, and his gorgeous little cat Pixel - whom I've never met!!! :) Looking forward to tomorrow actually, and hoping things will work better than today!

Today's Blog Dedication: A little late, I know, but the blog dedication goes to Lena for getting VG on the entire Hebrew-course (i.e. the entire semester!)!!!! Congratulations!!!


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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: It, Stephen King
Currently watching: The Simpsons
Currently listening to: "Köppöbävisan", Bengt Pegefeld
My Plans for tomorrow: Packing, mall [window]shopping, meeting Lena & Tobias, meeting Sara & Martin & Pixel! :)