One Week ... Really?

I can't believe all that's happened in just one week ... it feels like it would have been a month, at least. Still, most of it (almost all of it!) has been absolutely fantastic and totally outstanding, so I really feel I would like to go through the entire week here! :)
I'll give credit to those of you who are able to read through all of it, because I have a feeling this will be the longest blog entry I've ever made! LOL! :)

Sunday, May 15

This was a really difficult day for me! It was 6 months to the day since Zorro past away, and I still have difficulties dealing with that, especially during those days, when I tend to think of him more often and more intensely. I had a lot of things to deal with from the previous week as well, so I guess I didn't get anything productive done at all during Sunday, although I need times for thinking, reflecting and personal writing ...
Most things in my life are turning out fantastic now, but I can't help feeling I would have liked to share that with Zorro - because I know he could tell whether I was feeling good or bad. Lots of thoughts regarding Zorro, but I won't get into that now, I might save it for another entry later on.
Here are some old photos of Zorro I found when I was looking through my computer:




Monday

Monday was study day full stop!! I had to hand in a report to the OT professor "during Monday night" on my progress on the master's essay. Needless to say I stressed like an idiot the entire day and felt unprepared to the max.

In my defence, I did have a bit of materials to use, but naturally I hadn't started putting the report together ... and I started with that around lunch time! *oops* I realized I had to get some print-outs, and my printer at home is not really working, so I made the quite possible shortest visit to Uni ever! :) I arrived at the library at 12.50, grabbed a computer and got my print-outs, and was out of there again at 1.03! LOL!

I didn't do anything except wrote, wrote and wrote the entire day, and by about 10 p.m. I had almost 8 pages ... Let's just say I don't think I did a great job proof-reading the thing, but at least I sent it in!

Tuesday

Tuesday was an extremely intense day for me ...
We had lectures at 10 with the OT group, and they were having a seminary discussion on a book by W. Brueggemann (Unsettling God). I had really hoped to be able to read through it really quick before the seminar, but there was (obviously!) no chance of that!
I still got a bit out of the seminary discussion and it was quite interesting. I'm happy to see a course such as this, where there is a clear focus on the language, it's possible to do these kinds of things as well.
After the lecture I ended up in the library assisting some of the students with different things regarding the interpretation they were writing.

Once I got to sit down on my own, the anxiety about the SI-ceremony that afternoon hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't experienced that heavy anxiety in probably several years, and I was really feeling awful. Still, I knew there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but try to do the best I could with it. I was unsure of basically everything: I didn't know how the ceremony would be, I didn't know what would be expected of me (even though I had been assured I would not have to give a 'thank you speech' - which I was more than grateful for!!), and I wasn't even 100% sure of where the ceremony would take place (it was on another University Department, where I've only been a few times, a couple of years ago) ...
I ended up talking a little to my SI supervisor, as I was sitting just outside her room, and eventually we agreed we would walk to the ceremony together, and that helped my anxiety a lot! Just know I would go with someone I knew, wouldn't have to worry about finding the right place etc. helped me a great deal!

We met at 3 o'clock and walked together to the ceremony, and when we entered the auditorium my supervisor exchanged a few words with the man in charge of the whole thing, and she also introduced me. We took our seats and the ceremony started with a few introductory speeches, among those who came was Sven Strömqvist, who is Lund University's Assistant Vice-Chancellor!! After that we heard speeches relating SI (Supplemental Instruction) to not only Universities but also senior high school/college and also how you can use it when you go out to work in the world outside University - and we also heard a speech from two students who have worked within SI and had the opportunity to go to America to attend an SI conference.

After the speeches, it was time for the handing out of Diplomas, and first up were the Honorary Diplomas, which apparently was given to me and three other students. I had no idea how they wanted to do this, and when they said it would be done alphabetically I basically panicked - but I was so lucky, as there was one girl who came before me!! (Not often that happens.)
So anyway ...
We were called down in front of everyone, and got to listen to the nomination text that our supervisors had written when nominating us, and then we got our Diploma and a little present.
And I have to admit, I am proud of the fact that I went through with it, because this was a really big deal for me! The auditorium was in no way crowded, but there were enough people for me to feel really really anxious! But I did it! :)
It was a great relief to be able to get back to my seat and realize that most of it was over for my part, that's for sure.
After the Honorary Diplomas and been handed out, all the mentors who were quitting were given diplomas as well - but a lot of people who had said they'd come didn't show up, so things became a little bit awkward ...

There were snacks and drinks prepared afterwards, but first they wanted everyone who had gotten a diploma to gather near the entrance and we were photographed - and after that we were able to get snacks and talk to the others. Since I was completely shaky after the almost extreme tenseness I found it difficult to talk and be friendly, and I didn't stay long.
But it still felt amazing to have gone through with that day, that's for sure! :)

Wednesday

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the OT professor to discuss the report ... and since I emailed it so late on Monday night and my mind was somewhere else entirely on Tuesday I felt I needed to prepare for the meeting quite a lot. I went to Uni fairly early and printed my report and went over it, quite a number of times. I also met a lot of the OT students working on their interpretations and I also talked a little with my SI supervisor before heading up the professor on the third floor.

The talk we had went really well actually. We started talking "generally" when he suddenly interrupted our conversation, and realized he'd forgotten to congratulate me to the Honorary Diploma!! I didn't even know he knew, and SI feels a little bit like it's own "department" within the University, so I was quite surprised. He ended up giving me SO many lovely comments and compliments I was completely and utterly embarrassed!! I think the peak was when he told me how he had met Sven Strömqvist (the Assistant Vice-Chancellor who attended the SI-ceremony) at a conference earlier during Tuesday morning, and how proud he (the OT professor) had been to tell the Vice-Chancellor that one of his students was one of the recipients of the Honorary Diploma! *yikes!!*
I was (and am!!) SO flattered, but I really don't know what to do with myself when things like that come up, I have no idea what to say and I mostly feel really embarrassed!

We moved on to actually discussing my thesis as well, of course, and I think it was quite a rewarding chat. Most of the energy was done trying to decide what way I'm going to take right now, and that wasn't as easy as it sounds, actually. We had a good discussion, I felt I was able to step up a bit more than I have before, when I have mostly felt I've 'had to' just accept what he says as he knows so much more than me. This time I felt I could question what he said, and really get to the bottom of what was discussed, and that felt really good.
The outcome basically was to go into a few more scholars and their view on the objective I've set for my thesis - and also to get down to the Hebrew text and really start working on the relevant (some of them!) passages there ...

The meeting felt really good, from all kinds of angles, so I was in a really good mood when I was done - and I also met the teacher on the first part of the OT course, so we had a little chat, which was really nice! :)

Thursday

Thursday was actually sort of slow, as I didn't even have to get to Uni!! I did find out that my Mum would come for a short visit over the weekend, which was such a happy surprise!!! We have been talking about her coming here for a while, but it hasn't really been anything decided and she's been really busy and tired, and I've been really busy and tired. Now she found out that a co-worker and her husband was going to Helsingborg for the weekend, and my Mum could go with them, arriving on Friday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon!

I was really happy to hear that, and tried to get the apartment decent looking during Thursday (things like cleaning and such had been neglected earlier in the week, for obvious reasons!), but I was SO tired, I didn't get as much done as I had planned!

Friday

Friday was extremely intense!!!!
I was up at about 5 a.m. and started cleaning ... started doing laundry at 6 and was finished with everything in the apartment around 11. Took a shower and headed for Lund at 12, and had the final 'lecture' at 1. This was basically a summary discussion of the course, at first there was a general discussion and after that Elisabet and I had some SI evaluations to hand out, and the teacher would hand out the general evaluations as well.
We had a really good and constructive discussion regarding the course, the literature etc. when suddenly there was a knock on the door, and our SI-supervisor was there, asking if she could see me for a minute.
It felt a bit silly to just walk out (especially since the tables were arranged in a way that made me walk around the entire room to get out!), but when I got out it turned out that the evaluations we had been given to hand out to the students were 'out-of-date', new ones had just come, so I got them instead.
When I came back into the room, it was completely silent, which felt really strange. And suddenly, when I'm in front of the entire class, the teacher says: "Well, Jessica, now you have to tell us all about what it was like on the ceremony on Tuesday!"
And I more or less wished I could have fell through the floor ... I am genuinely and extremely grateful to have been given this, but I DO NOT like to stand in the centre of attention like that. I think I mostly stuttered something, I knew that some of the students knew I had been given it but not all of them ... and once I'd said something, probably completely incoherent, I got an applause from the entire class! *embarrassed again*

We handed out the evaluations and at 6 p.m. the teacher had a little party at her place for all the students, and the students on another OT course, as well as some other OT-people (both OT post-graduate students - one of them is the one teaching the first half of the OT course - and the OT professor) - and she asked me and Elisabet to help her out fixing food and such!
She had to pick up her children from school first, so Elisabet and I ended up in the library for a while, before meeting the OT teacher and her kids! :)

It was really nice to be able to help her out a little, she's a great lady and such a role model for I think most of the students she comes in contact with - and she's always been fantastic to deal with when it comes to SI, she's really interested and tries to help out as much as she can - and I think it's great to be able to do something outside the Department as well.

We ended up chopping and mixing and such for a few hours before the others showed up - and we had a great time. I really totally and completely feel like I have found my place here, and every time something like this happens, I feel it even more!
With the background I have, it's just beyond description to feel like I fit in so perfectly here ... I feel safe and secure and comfortable, even in situations that before would be extremely anxious, and I feel like people around me like me! Getting that kind of continual acknowledgement, constantly verifying that I do fit in and that people do like me - it's just such an AMAZING feeling!!

I was going to pick up my Mum in Helsingborg, so I had checked and had to leave the party about 20 to 8, in order to get to the train station in Lund and from there to Helsingborg. And that's another thing that is so fantastic about being where I am. Yes, I admit, I would have liked to stay longer, we had a great time, there were funny and interesting conversations, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I am NOT completely quite and tries to be invisible! But I feel SO comfortable in this situation, and so sure of myself and the fact that I will experience this again, that it is okay to leave a little early.
I am a little upset, because when I was getting myself ready a lot of others were starting to prepare to leave as well, and I felt the good-bye to the hostess became very quite and short ... but I'll be seeing her again next week, so I hope I can say a proper thank you then.
Just as I was leaving it turned out two other students had to get to trains/buses at the railway station, and one of the postgraduate students where going that way in her car, so I got a lift as well! :) Really kind!

When I got to the station my Mum called, she had already arrived in Helsingborg, but had to wait for me there ... but I don't think I've ever been so impatient during the train ride before! :) I just wanted to get there QUICK - and meeting my Mum was just FANTASTIC! It was quite a while since we saw each other, especially here! I was visiting my families when the bathroom renovation was going on, but didn't get that much time with my Mum - and during Christmas holidays she was sick a lot ... before that, yeah, she came down here for a quick visit just after Zorro had passed away, but that wasn't exactly a joyride ...

We took the bus home and spent some time talking - I didn't go to sleep until about 1.30 a.m. - so I'd been up and about and active and constantly doing things for about 21 hours! *yikes*

The Weekend

If you've managed to get this far in this extremely long blog entry, I admire you, and I will try to not be too detailed now. My Mum and I have enjoyed ourselves during the weekend, talked a lot, done a few outings and watched a few movies and mostly just enjoyed each other's company! :)
I went with her to Helsingborg this afternoon where she met her co-worker and her husband, and I just now heard she'd gotten home safe and sound!

Pheeeew!
Some week,huh?
But SO much of it has been SO fantastic, and I can hardly believe it myself ...
I have a busy week ahead again, but I hope to have some kind of energy when I get home every afternoon to keep the blog up to date, so I don't have to make another really long entry next weekend! :)
And credit to those of you who have made it to the end of this entry! LOL!

What An Honor!

Today has been a VERY strange day, and I'm basically exhausted now, so I hope you'll forgive this somewhat short entry ...

I didn't sleep a bit last night, I might have dozed off half an hour or so, but it was just impossible. At times I get stuck in my own mind, with Zorro, and it's basically impossible for me to get out of it...
The morning was a bit slower than I had planned, but at least I managed to get to Uni for lectures at 10 - interesting as usual! :)

After lectures I had "lunch" with Elisabet and we tried to make some plans for next mentor meeting - which will be the last one this semester *sob* Suddenly our mentor tutor came and asked me if I'd checked my email ... I was completely out-of-it and didn't understand what she meant.
It took me a while - and several readings of my emails - to grasp what was going on.
Apparently there is a yearly SI (mentor, Supplemental Instruction) ceremony with some lectures, the handing out of diplomas to mentors having quit etc. - I had gotten an email about it some time ago but figured I wouldn't go so I had basically forgotten about it.
Now it turns out that out of about 150 mentors at Lunds University, two are picked for "extraordinary achievements within SI" and they will also be awarded a diploma at this ceremony ... and I had not only been nominated, but also picked!!
*almost fainting now*

This just threw me off completely, it was totally unexpected and I still can't quite grasp it!! I mean, I really enjoy being a mentor, I enjoy both the mentor meetings and the lectures and the students - but I had never thought that it would go beyond that!!! I'm quite happy just poking around the Hebrew verb forms and that's it - but this ... quite amazing!! :)

I'm still not sure how I will actually be able to go to this ceremony and accept the award ... considering my background and my problems that still pop up ... but I guess I'll have to make one Hell of an effort to make a go of it, right?! :)

I have quite a bit to do before I can go to bed, and considering I basically haven't slept for 48 hours, I'd better get on with it. But I think I will return to this in future blog entries! :)

Holy Hannah!

Oh my ... a lot has happened the last few days, so I guess I should try to give you an update. Hopefully I can get on with regular blogging now, but for that to work, the update is pretty necessary!

I had an oral exam and a thesis-tutoring on Tuesday and I was in complete state of panic regarding the exam. Things have, as you may have noticed, not really worked out great lately, even though I have had some wonderful moments. I haven't found a working routine or been able to find focus and discipline on my studies, which has been very frustrating!

I did have a bit of luck on my exam, but I also actually noticed that I do know a little about my subject, I can think pretty fast, and I can draw conclusions that I'm not always prepared to do ... Turns out I did really well on the exam, and I got a Pass With Distinction (VG)!!!!! I had anticipated a failing grade, so that felt absolutely fantastic!!!! Also, this was the last so called "reading course" I'm allowed to take in Old Testament Exegesis (you are only allowed to take four such courses in each subject - and I've done my four now *sob*), so it was extra fun to actually end it with such a good exam! :)

After that we discussed my first grade thesis that I will be writing over the next few weeks. I had prepared some preliminary thoughts on what I wanted to, and the professor accepted it right away which felt really cool!! He gave me some ideas on literature (but most of it is in German, which I find quite difficult!!), and we discussed what I'm going to do next, and when to meet for our next tutoring!

The day was almost to good to be true, it felt unreal!! I have had some really good moments so far this fall as well, but this one is really outstanding!!! I took the entire day off yesterday and now I'm feeling really motivated to just "get on with it"!! :)
I was at Uni this morning, but I have a cold about to break out and I got a headache so around lunch time I gave up and came home. I ended up sleeping for over 2 hours (yikes!!) and after that I have done some more studying, and gone though my economy - which was NOT FUNNY!

I'm off to Uni again tomorrow, but now I have to start winding down and mentally preparing for tomorrow!

Things Back To Normal?!

Whoa! A couple of intense days to say the least!! At least I'm hoping things will be back to normal for a while now! :)

I studied like an idiot for the exam, but still didn't feel great about it! Granted, oral exams creep me out, but I really did not feel at all prepared enough!
I don't know what it's like for other University students, but I think the whole "oral exams"-thing is rather unusual in Sweden at least.
Basically, for my course (The Old Testament with Biblical Hebrew), the deal is this: I agree with a professor ('my' professor also happens to be the Head of the Faculty *gulp*) on a subject I want to study, we agree on a list of literature and about 10 pages of Hebrew text - and set a date for an oral exam. Come the day, I get to read and translate (and analyze) part of the Hebrew text, as well as answer questions and/or discuss the literature, with the professor.

From what I know, most people aren't happy about oral exams - well, most students, that is! :) I think the teachers and professor like it quite a lot, as it does require less work for them!* lol*
Anyway ...
For someone with a background of social phobia, oral exams are NOT funny at all - but fact of the matter is, this was my fourth, and while the results have varied, I have not failed, or needed to to return for a further exam, on any of them.

I was pretty freaked out yesterday, I had slept about 2½ hours, and was at the Department when the library opened at 9. Sat in on the Old Testament lecture 10.15-11 and kept studying after that. And at 2 o'clock it was time.
Adding to my anxiety was the fact that I have NEVER taken an exam for this professor before - and I really don't like starting it off with an oral exam ... when I don't know at all how he will do it, what level he will be at etc. I went up there, and we were dealing with the text part first ... It soon became clear I was going to have to read the Hebrew text as well as translate it - and I haven't read Hebrew out loud for almost a year! *yikes!* The professor was really calm and laid back about the whole thing - I guess he could sense I was totally panicky! :) - but I got started ... I didn't get too much text, lucky me, we went through Ecc. 6:1-3, but the verses were rather long. It felt ... "okay", though not good. I need to work on my vocaulary for starters, and I find it difficult to keep really long sentences in my head (without writing them down) and making any kind of sense of them) ... but at least it wasn't a complete disaster.

Then we moved onto the literature-part of it. I figured that would be a little bit easier, as it felt like it could be more of a conversation/discussion, even though I would do most of the talking and give most of the more specific information. The first thing that happened was:
The professor said that now, having read Ecclesiastes, and this particular part, as well as literature concerning not only Ecc. but also other literature close to it - how would I present Eccleasiates - if I, say, were giving a lecture on a basic level course?!?
Eh ... huh?!?!
Granted, I'm not completely alien to the idea of giving lectuers and teaching, but I most certainly was NOT expecting it in this situation! Still, things were very calm (from the professor's side!!), he told me to take my time etc. I got started talking, but I felt that he had to step in and "guide" me rather a lot ... asking questions to lead me in the right direction! And that didn't feel great ...
At one point, I just made such a horrible fool of myself - it was terribly embarrasing! He asked me a question, and I couldn't find the answer, but it was rather tricky. He kept "going around it", trying to find another way for me to come up with the answer - and all of a sudden, my brain just shut down. I couldn't find the answer to ANYTHING, in the end it was stupid questions, a 7th grader could have answered it (well, almost anyway) ... that felt pretty horrible.
But to tell the truth, horrible in a good way ... (yes, I'm tired, so please be patient)!
It did feel stupid and I did feel embarrased - but not at all in a way I would have felt say 2 years ago!
Two years ago, I would have dived into the depression pool over something like this, thinking that I made the worse possible impression by being so extremely stupid and feeling like I wouldn't be able to do anything at all in my entire life.
Now I do feel stupid, yes absolutely because it was such a basic question - but I also know that I really do know the answer, and that I just somehow got completely blocked out ... anybody can do it in any situation (ironically enough, after the exam, we discussed my next course, the professor had a book in mind, but couldn't for the life of him recall the name of the author, no matter how hard he tried! *lol*) - which means that even though it was embarrasing, I feel completely okay with it!
Amazing!!

We had other stuff to talk about two, my upcoming course as well as my essays ... and after about 45 minutes, the professor said we should conclude the exam.
I felt ... "okay" (again!), and hoped I would have passed, it kind of felt like I would have passed. The professor said: "Well, I'll have to congratulate you ..." - and my heart raced: that had to mean I had passed, right?!?" - "... to a VG" (which is the "high" of the two grades we have (not counting the failing grade)!
What?!?! How?!?! Why?!?!?! What??????

Looking back to how these first 4-5 weeks of the semester have been, I would never in my life have figured I'd get VG!! No way!! I didn't think I would fail - first of all, it's actually hard to fail on an oral exam (if you have a decent professor/teacher), because the can work their way around your problems, find new ways to approach things etc. so I pretty much hoped I'd pass, and get a G, but no way I thought I'd get VG!
So ... YAY!!!

*HAPPY!!!!!*

Today I went to the OT-lecture, spent some time in the library first, checking out a few books for my next course, and after the lecture we had a mentor meeting! I find it difficult to be in control of the meeting - we often end up with some specific question, and while it is good to address their questions, I do have an agenda and a plan, and I kind of feel I should follow it. But I'm also feeling that I get more secure for every meeting we have, and I also think the meetings are working out better and better now ... which is really great!

Have to say I feel thrilled right now - the last two days everything has just turned out wonderful! I'm not saying it'll last forever, because I know it won't, but I'm really happy because I think I have developed a way of actually enjoying those times when they come - seizing the moment - *~* Carpe Diem! *~* - and I think it's important to be able to that! I think it will help you when times get tougher ...

So, now I'm hopefully back on track, things seem to work out now, provided nothing unforseen happens, so I'm hoping to be able to keep this blog - and my other blogs - alive and kicking, and also catch up on other internet activity where I've been slacking now!

Take care guys!

Feeling Numb!

It seems like my life is just one big major chaotic mess at the moment, and today I'm mostly feeling numb! I haven't had the energy to go through yesterday properly, and I still need to do a personal run-through of the entire week, because it feels like it's been going on forever!
I'm extremely grateful that I'm generally doing so much better now, because otherwise, this week would have definitely led to a break-down!! It's just been one thing after another after another, and I haven't properly managed to sort out one problem (practical or emotional - or both) before the next one has arrived!

Yesterday was a REALLY intense day! I was very tired so I didn't get to Uni as early as I had intended but I was there a little after 11. I sat outside the student counsellor's office for almost an hour before he came out, by then it was 12 and he was going to lunch! I guess he saw the despair in my eyes though, because he let me in anyway! Which was both good and bad, I think. I felt really stressed out because I knew I was keeping him from getting lunch, and he was actually in a pretty bad mood ... Things are chaotic right now, in general, so I guess I don't blame him, but it's quite uncharacteristic of him, so it was a bit of a surprise.
Things were really complicated, he didn't remember me, and we misunderstood each other all the time, which was a little annoying. What came out of the whole deal was that the teachers had basically messed up when it came to the whole essay-thing, and the best thing I could do was talk to 'my' professor in the Old Testament. Since I had a meeting with him planned for the afternoon, that felt great!

After that I got some reading done in the library and also had a chance to catch up a little with a friend I hadn't seen since before Christmas, very nice!
At 1 o'clock, there was an SI (mentor)-meeting, with all the mentors and our supervisor ... I was a little nervous, since I didn't know what it would be like, but I am proud to say that I handle these things sooooo much better now!
The meeting wasn't great, but it wasn't all that bad either. One thing felt a bit odd though ... we were 5-6 people there (1 of them had something else and he kind of came and went), and 3 (4) of them were mentors for the two "basic" courses we have at the Department, the two courses all students must take first as a sort of introduction. First of all, those courses are a bit different from a lot of other courses, which makes them a bit special, and second, all the mentors there, had been mentors before, so they kind of knew the score and had a bit of experience. Me and the other girl are new mentors, but I still couldn't really relate to her. I know her a little (we've taken Hebrew together), but she's mentor for the Human Rights subject, which is sort of a 'sub-subject' (if you know what I mean) to Theology and Religious Studies, and they have even moved away from our building to someplace else ... so I couldn't quite connect to her either ... meaning that I felt pretty alone in my little Hebrew-thing ...
The basics did work out though, which is the main thing!

As soon as we were done I took a bus to CSN (Student Aid-people), as I had some issues to discuss with them. Waiting again of ocurse - this time about 45 minutes ... and when I got to see someone, the lady was totally rude!! And totally incoherent!! It was really a strain, because I hardly knew what to say in the end! I had one basic question, and she didn't even listen to what I had to say!! She constantly assumed what sounded like a simple solution for her (like, basically, she wouldn't have to do anything) and HELLO, it's like my financial future at stake here?!? I got absolutely NOTHING from that visit, and now I have to go by my own common sense! Not saying that's all bad, but I had at least hoped to get some pointers from someone who actually works there! Very frustrating!

Time to get a bus back to the Department, where I got some coffee and ran through my 'spring-semester 2009'-notes, before heading up to the professor. We had set a meeting to 4 o'clock, but he had told me that if I came in early, I could just check if he was avaliable - I went up there at about 3.30, and that was apparently perfect timing (I think he wanted to get home as quickly as possible too, on a Friday afternoon *lol*)!
First and foremost we discussed the whole chaotic-seminar-thing, which has just become absurd. My professor had to rush off to talk to the New Testament professor, who aparently had checked it out ... but it didn't turn out great anway. What we did decide was that I AM going to follow seminar (and opositions) at the Old- and New Testament seminars, which I wanted, but it sounded like I really should go to these other weird seminars (for professor I don't like) as well ... and that's what doesn't sound great to me. I'll have to think a little about that though - I have a hope that I can email this other professor and explain what's going on, and say that I have a really busy semester now (which I do!!) and hope that it will be enough I follow one seminar group! Fingers crossed?!!

I got home about 5-5.30 and was dead for the entire evening! Had hoped to get a well-earned long, lovely sleep - yeah right! *rolling eyes* I don't sleep very well in general now, and at 3.30 Zorro decided it was morning ... so then I don't get to sleep either! Thank you very much!

Today hasn't started off great because of this, but I'm hoping I can get something out of what's left of today at least! :)

Good But Intense Week!

Saturday night, and I guess it's time to summarize this week - which I guess I have already done in the title! *lol* I stick with that statement: It's been good but intense!

The most important things this week has of course been the Greek exam - I still quite can't understand it!! I knew Greek came fairly easy to me (ironically, I find Greek a lot easier than Hebrew, but it's Hebrew I'm going to continue with *lol*), but I had missed so much and didn't feel well at all the last 3-4 weeks before the exam ... so being able to get the result I actually did feels fantastic!!

I'm also very happy - and a little bit proud - that I have managed to get to all lectures this week, and that I have coped with them the way I have! I still don't know why, all of a sudden, the translation-thing seems to work so much better now, but I'm certainly not complaining! :) I seem to establish myself, my person, ME, in this group, in a way I never have before - and I think that I have actually been establishing myself and getting a better self esteem all the way through 2008 ... and yet, it seems to be even more evident now!
And fact of the matter is - I REALLY enjoy it! :)

Yesterday was quite an intense day ... we didn't have lectures until 12 (stupid!!), but I still went into Uni to study at the library at 9. On the way there I met another Greek student, so we ended up studying together, even though she was studying Greek and I was working on my essay. Around 10 we had a sort of "inofficial mentormeeting", the meeting on Thursday was cancelled, so we were having an informal one - which basically meant having coffee in the Student Union Recreation room! *lol* Very nice!
I got in about 45 minutes of studying after that as well, but had a bit of a headache that didn't want to go away!

Lectures at 12, I did feel a bit more anxious than usual at the beginning, but once the whole thing was on the way, it more or less disappeared (not completely but to a great extent). We have been few students there this week, the average has been 5-6 (we are 11 in the group), which means everyone gets to translate quite a lot ... and since it has been going so well for me, I am actually happy about it, because now, the more I say and do, the more "de-dramatized" the whole concept will be!
I also feel, like I said before, that I have 100% established myself in the group, I am fully accepted, I do not feel at all alienated, and I can - in a way that I never even thought possible! - take the fact that people are making comments or jokes regarding me ... I know they are all nice and friendly and that is the way people interact with each other, while I only a few years ago would have been devastated and felt like I was the joke of the entire Department!

After lectures I did a little shopping before I went home, where I actually managed to completely get rid of my headache! *YAY!* I took the afternoon off, making tacos and just relaxing - it was wonderful!!
I slept in today to, I almost slept to 10 o'clock!! *GASP* (I usually feel like I sleep in when I get up at 7.30!) - guess I really could do with the rest!
The morning was really really slow, and I nothing got done, but this afternoon I have cleared the kitchen, done some internet-work, emailed my essay-professor and translated all of Mark 4 ... not so bad, right?! :)
But no more studying tonight, now I'm gonna wind down and get to bed, and hopefully get an early start tomorrow!

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Gospel of Mark, R.T. France
Currently watching: Family Guy
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Work on my essay, grocery shopping, Greek studies

Quite the Turn-Around!

While I don't want to jump the gun here, things seem to have taken a turn-around in my Greek-course now! It has really been up-and-down, but going on about a week and a half now, I feel really GREAT about it!! The exam results helps, of course - *LOL* - but there's so much more than that! I somehow feel a lot more at ease now, than I did some 3-4 weeks ago, and I just LOVE it!! I'm so much more relaxed, and even though I have to say the social interaction has worked surprisingly well the entire semester, it has been even better (if that's even possible!) the last week!! Amazing!!

I'm reading like four or five sentences every lecture, and while I'm not at ease doing it, it's really working out, and at times I don't even feel anxious about it (just nervous, but there really is a difference to it!)!
The fact that this feels so real just now, has to do with an incident at the lecture today ... And I guess now has come the time to explain something that I haven't felt comfortable talking about here.

Some time back (can't really remember, but I'd say the beginning of October or something like that), and I real set-back in Greek ... an incident happened that made me more or less loose it, and - as always - it takes time to recover from something like that, especially in such an intense course. What happened was this:
I wasn't fully prepared, but I wasn't too concerned about it, because I knew I could ask to skip the whole read-translate thing, it wasn't the first time I would be doing it, and I knew other students had done so as well on occasion. Once I got there, and it was my turn, I did as planned - I said I wasn't prepared, and could I please be excused. The teacher looked at the sentence and said that I could probably do it anyway! There are students who can, on a whim, get through a sentence they haven't prepared before - let's just say I'm not one of them. I get really stressed out when I'm 'in the spotlight', and I can't think fast enough then, I mix everything up, and my anxiety levels keep rising.
I tried to get out of it, but the teacher was kind of pushy (but of course, he doesn't know about my problems, so I certainly don't blame him) ... and he kind of "forced me" - in my eyes - to get through the sentence and analysis on the spot. And I kind of broke down after that ...

Moving on ...
I had prepared the text for today, I had done the analysis, but I still find the syntactic part of it difficult - even though I know and have analysed the words, I still can't work out a translated Swedish sentence. Right toward the end of the lecture, I was asked to read such a sentence - I had the analysis but couldn't make heads or tails of the sentence. Once again, I "wasn't allowed" to pass it on to the next student, and I made at least half of it, spontaneously in front of the class. While it didn't feel great in any way, and I had anxiety throughout, it didn't affect me nearly as bad as it did only a month ago!! I'm not going to say it just simply worked out - because it didn't, and there are a lot of little things that I don't feel very comfortable with, but just the fact that I did it and could walk out of there with a smile on my face is quite extraordinary!
I can't really tell what has promted this turn-around, when the turn-arounds go this way, I'm not complaining! :)

I haven't been super-efficient today, as I am usually very tired these days, but at least I have prepared all 35 verses for tomorrows lecture and that feels good.
What I will most certainly bring from today is that I need to at least prepare the analysis. Apparently, I'm not going to get off the hook on this Mark-course, with the translations, and I have noticed that most of the students (all of them??) tend to go through with it even though they are unprepared. And after today, I think I can as well, as long as I at least have the analysis to fall back on. I don't think I could have coped at all, if I hadn't had the analysis and the actual meaning of the words - but as long as I have that, I might just make it work! :)

Well, I'm really tired now, and while we don't have lectures until 12 tomorrow (WEIRD!), I plan to spend the morning in the library, working on my essay - so I still need to get some sleep ...


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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Gospel of Mark, R.T. France
Currently watching: The Simpsons
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Library, mentor meeting (?), lectures - celebrating my exam by taking the afternoon off!

Amazing News!!

Yup, I have some truly amazing news to share ...
We got our Greek exams back today. Our teacher handed them out, when he brought me mine, he didn't give me a chance to look at it, he just stared at me and stated loudly: "You're nuts!"
I practically had a heart attack - and I wonder what the other students thought?! - and figured I had misunderstood the whole thing and had scored a big fat 0 on my exam!! Until I turned it over, and saw I had scored 48 out of 48 possible!!! *GASP*!!
That was well and truly totally unexpected!! I was more or less sure I had passed, and I had some hope I would get VG (the high grade), but definitely nothing like this!! It's actually a first for me too, I have never had top score on an exam before ... *grinning like an idiot*
I am sometimes being "accused" (in a loose sense of the word!!) of being a language-nerd (hrm - anybody in particular I'm thinking of here, maybe??), and I think I have got the ultimate proof now, so that's probably all true. I took - unofficially - the Hebrew language-exam in March, and had 51 out of 52 possible ... now I'm taking the Greek language-exam and score 48 out of 48 ...
There are still some areas and issues that surrounds the exam that I'm not 100% thrilled about, but it's all on an emotional level, and actually hardly worth even noticing! :)

I actually felt like I was in 7th heaven, and had a very hard time coming down to Earth and start analyzing the Gospel of Mark! I really didn't have a choice though ...:)
Once again, I practised my "translating-in-front-of-everybody" thing, that I still have difficulties with! I do it, most of the time, but it's not something that comes easy to me. Yesterday and today has probably been the best days so far, but it's still not something I can do without thinking about it. And I kinda bailed on one sentence today ... *feeling a little guilty* I had prepared it, but I couldn't get it to make any kind of sense whatsoever, and I couldn't really cope with that ... Still, I think I translated maybe four verses in total - and that's not all bad, right?!

I went straight home after Uni, but I think the excitement surrounding the exam was too much for me, because I quickly developed a pretty bad headache that I had a hard time getting rid of ... It's only just disappeared - meaning I should get a whole lot of Greek-studying in now. Fortunately for me, we are a bit behind schedule, so I think I have prepared most of what we'll go through tomorrow, but I still want to get a bit more done ... and I had hoped to get ahead a little, as I have to start dealing with my essay on Friday and during the weekend ... Even though I need to get up at 4 a.m., I should be able to get at least 1½-2 hours studying in now, and I think I still have some adrenaline left over from this morning, so hopefully I won't fall asleep in Novum Testamentum Greace. :)

I did take a long (1½ hours) walk this afternoon, in hopes of making the headache go away - here are some photos! :)




Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Gospel of Mark, R.T. France
Currently watching: The Simpsons
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Lectures, Mentor-meeting, studies

Happy Anniversary: Another Day - Another Destiny!

This blog celebrates it's second birthday today! :)
I started it on 20 September 2006, after having problems with another blog here at Blogger. I honestly haven't made a lot of internet projects work lately, but this blog seems to be doing pretty well - well over 12,000 visitors isn't bad, right?!

I would like to make a request to my readers though, seeing as I'm celebrating at all. While the counter keeps climbing, I get very few comments on this blog. I know who some of the readers are, but it would be very nice to just hear something from those that actually take the time to read this blog ... :) It doesn't take long to just leave me a line letting me know that you're out there, maybe where you're from ...
I'm basically writing this blog for myself, of course, it's very personal and deals with my life, my thoughts and my activities, but it's very nice to see (and hear from) others that are reading it!
Thanks! :)

A lot has happened to me personally, during these past few years, and I think this development has been made visible here in the blog as well. From being more or less just off sick-leave and just starting to find my way around University studies and my life in general, I now have a stable life, I'm happy with what I'm doing, I have a number of goals in my life, that I'm fighting to achieve, and that actually also seem quite possible!
I think I've also grown a lot on a personal level, I have become an adult in a way that I don't think I was in 2006, and I feel quite good about that. I'm learning to actually like who I am, dealing with the parts I don't like, but coming to terms with who I am and what I want to do with my life and myself.

I'm naturally hoping visitors will come back, I will do my very best to keep this blog up and running with regular entries. If you feel anything is missing, if there are any kind of entries you feel you want more, or less, of, please don't hesitate to let me know (you can leave a comment and be anonymous if you like)!

Thank you again for these past two years!

One Day Behind!

Seems like I'm always one day behind on my blog entries now. Hopefully I can catch up today! :)

Yesterday was not at all as intense as 'Terrible Tuesday', but it was still pretty tough day ...
I had lectures first thing in the morning, and I'm actually pretty proud I managed to get there, after the day I had before. It worked out pretty well, we went through the next chapter, and while things are moving along very quickly, I still feel I can keep up in an acceptable way, and I do understand what it's all about ... which helps! ;)

After the lecture, I and another girl had some 'personal tutoring' with our teacher - we got some teasing from the other students for that! :) This other woman had missed the entire first week, which is very hard, and I had missed one chapter, so we went through the basics. It worked out very well, I think, and I had actually understood pretty much everything I missed all on my own! *yay* It makes all the difference having someone actually explaining it to you though, it makes much more sense, and you get a viewpoint on things from these explanantions that you could never achieve on your own.
He spent an entire hour with us (!!), which was really kind, because that is sooo not part of his regular duties! A big thank you!

I ran some errands before going home, and when I did get home, I made a point of actually really relaxing!! That felt really good, but aparently I had to pay the consequences for relaxing. Partly because I didn't as much done as I had hoped, but mostly because I started getting some serious stomach cramps during the night - and they've been there ever since. Doesn't matter what kind of medication I take, I've been awake since about 2.30 a.m. more or less moaning with pain constantly! *big sigh*
Naturally, I didn't make it to Uni this morning, but we were not going through new stuff today (save that for tomorrow) so I hope I can work it out anyway!

I'm starting to feel a little better now, or rather, the medication is starting to take the edge off the pain, so hopefully I'll be able to get something done during the afternoon ...
I have to get to Uni tomorrow for a number of reasons; partly the lecture, since we going through the next chapter, and I also have to do some shopping in town, and start checking out books for my essay.
My schedule this semester will be: essay-work on Fridays and Saturdays, and Greek the rest of the week - so I need to get started on the essay tomorrow!

Okay, seems like I'm more or less up to speed now, I hope I can keep it at that! :)
Take care!

Busy Day!

Today I have gotten quite a lot done, so I'm really pleased with my day!
I was up pretty early and did some light cleaning, and when the landlord's office opened at 9.30 I was there - feeling quite nervous and anxious. There were already people there waiting in line, so it took a while before I got to see him.
We dealt with a few matters, the "real" issue was my bathroom floor. I didn't get that much clarity, but apparently some professional "guy" will contact me and I guess I'll have to discuss the details with him. It sounded like I'd be able to stay home for the most part of it anyway, which is good - doesn't feel to happy about imposing on friends for weeks at a time ... also, since I have Zorro, it's not just me imposing, it's a crazy cat imposing as well! ;)

I felt quite relieved after having handled that meeting, but I still knew I had two phonecalls to make, so I couldn't quite relax either. I managed to gather strength and took care of those as well - yay me! Everything worked out very smoothly, and after that, I took a well-earned nap!

During the afternoon I took a walk downtown (takes about 25 minutes) and ran a few errands before walking home again. I haven't gotten that much done since I came home, but I did manage to start preparing some Tradera auctions! I have tons of stuff I should add, and I only had energy to fix 8 of them ... but if you want to check them out, feel free to do so by **clicking here**!

Unfortunately I didn't get my dvd package today :( ... but I couldn't help myself to a few more dvds today! *feeling a little guilty*
I bought the first Stargate movie, "Stargate: Ark of Truth", from Play.com - and on eBay I found the Aussie movie "Caterpillar Wish" (Philip Quast) rather cheap! :)
I'm so waay behind on Stargate - I haven't even seen "Atlantis", and I haven't seen the SG-1 movie "Ark of Truth" either - and now the second movie "Continuum" been released ... guess I have some catching up to do there!
And finding something with Philip Quast always makes me tick! I know I'm still missing a few movies - like "Me and Mrs. Jones" and the episode of "Inspector Morse" he's in ... but I'm definately keeping an eye out for them! :)

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: I For Innocent (Sue Grafton)
Currently watching: Family Guy
Currently listening to: The Secret Garden (Original London Cast)
My Plans for tomorrow: Getting a haircut, shopping at a nearby mall, maybe more Tradera-auctions.

Spring Semester 2008: Summary

Okay, I will make an attempt to summarize the spring semester of 2008, which will not be easy! This has been by far the most intense semester, and it has also had massive implications on me as a person. I will make a more detailed summary in my Swedish blog, Cogito, Ergo Sum, where I will divide it into several thematic posts - so apologies to those of you who don't read Swedish! (I think Google has some translation thing, if you're really interested - I have found this blog in German and Dutch for instance ...)

What first and foremost comes to mind when I think about this semester, is the work load I've been taking on! I've taken two or three courses at the same time - and this is me, Jessica, who's had a hard enough time coping with one course at a time, and sometimes not even managed that! I know I was motivated beyond anything to do this, which of course was a big help, but I also think that learning quickly that it payed off, that I did well, I learned a lot and my life actually worked out this way, also made me keep at it! Because it's not only a matter of taking several courses, it's also a fact that I have been feeling and doing WELL ... and that in itself is an amazing feeling!!!

Leading me into the next thing that strikes me this semester ... my results! I know I kind of got into that in my last entry, so I won't be too detailed ... but in short my results have been waaaay beyond my expectations! I have taken two full-time courses and one 25% course - officially - this semester, and the 25% one got a G, all the rest was VG ... and one of them was on Advanced Level. And aside from that I was following two other courses, one stricly full-time (did all assignments and went to almost all the lectures) and I got an unofficial VG on that exam as well ... the other one was mostly follwing lectures ... I was at alomst all the lectures, but I didn't do the exam, read the litterature as such ... but still ... *big happy smile*

Moving on to a third aspect of this semester: The Social Arena! Which is another thing that seem to almost miraculously have fallen into place this semester!! I have still stayed in touch with Sara and Johanna, though not really intensly. We did take the Biblical Interpretation-course together, which helped of course, but I have also expanded my circuit of friends. Lena, whom I studied Hebrew with, has become a very good friend of mine, we've struggled through the mysterious world of Hebrew verb forms together, which really forms a bond between people! :)
Also, in the social area, things have generally improved. Meaning I have been able to talk to a lot of people in my classes in a way that's been virtually impossible before! I can't - straight off at least - think of a reason for that, but I am beyond happy, and very greatful! I think I actually were able to say 'Hello' and keep up a general conversation with everyone in our Hebrew group ... which is ... beyond explaining actually! Naturally I got along better with some than others, but from a social perspective, it completely worked out with everyone!! Not quite the same in the other classes, Biblical Studies and Biblical Interpretation ... but not bad there either! In the first one, there was a reason things didn't start off really well ... but still, I'm so extremely happy about this ...
Also, I've gotten another "feel" for the Department, I'm completely at ease at the Library (which was a really big thing earlier, I could hardly set my foot in there!), I can sit there and study, I can ask questions etc. Also, I reacted to something regarding the new grading system that is "sort of" implemented now ... I thought I just didn't understand it properly, so I asked my student councellor - but she didn't know (and hadn't thought of it either!), so she referred me to the vice principal of the Deparment, and I also got talking to one of my professors, and it seemed they were actually going to adress this question at a teachers/academic personel conference! *yikes* :)

One last thing to go through now (hope I'm not boring you to death!), I could easily write a lot more, but I feel I need to keep it a bit short here - will be more detailed in the other blog (also, it's a little easier expressing what I feel in Swedish ...).
And this has to do with my views on studies and studying! I've always felt like I wanted to do University studies, and even though I haven't always been sure where I want my studies to lead, I've wanted to keep at it. But it's only this semester that I've really come to realize what studies are to me. Boring as this may sound; It's basically what I want to do with my life!!
I want to try to get into post-graduate studies later on, and am hoping for a career within the University world, teaching, doing research, writing articles and papers and maybe even books! And that means a different approach to studies, even on a fairly basic level!! I've really felt that getting a passing grade on an exam or a course is not enough for me! I need to do a good job first of all, I need to feel that what I had in (or my "performance" if it's an oral exam) is something I can stand for and am fairly pleased with! Naturally, you can't always live up to that, and somehow you always feel you could have done better, but an overall feeling of "This is okay, I can stand for this work!"
I have also realized - and pretty much implemented too - that studies is my life now ... and will be in the future too! Studies is not something you do to get it out-of-the-way! You don't rush through assigments to finish them so you can do something else ... studying, reading, writing or whatever it is, is what my life is supposed to be about now!! Naturally, you need to relax, do other things and get away from the books at times ... but just like working in a store means being there 8 hours a day, for me studying is a full-time job, and at least 8 hours a day should be with my books!
It's not quite so clear and clean-cut as that, of course, but the basics of it has really set itself in my head, and I do feel very good about it. Somehow, on some abstract level, I think it has given me a true feeling of purpose in life. I know what I want to do with my life, and this is a process in how to accomplish that ... and for someone who's - at least for the past 10 years (or close to it) - only tried to get through the next day, or the next week, or the next course ... that's an amazing feeling!!

Whoa, my entries tend to get WAY long now ... hope you're not too bored! :)
Keep a look-out in my Swedish blog for updates, and I will be back in this one as well!
Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: It, Stephen King
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 1
Currently listening to: Lovely Ladies, Les Misérables Complete Symphonic Recording
My Plans for tomorrow: Trip to Gothenburg to get my Dad's car ... cleaning!

So This Is It!!

Hi!
Not quite sure what to say or do right now - I can't really grasp that I'm here ... I've completed the last exam of the last course of this semester ... I just seem to stare out into thin air right now, not knowing how to feel or what to do! :)

To put you all to ease: I passed!! *happy now*
Though unfortunately it's not happiness straight up ... because even though I did pass (though no high grade: VG) I'm really not happy with my own performance! I had no idea how the exam would be done, and I couldn't really cope with the way it was done ... I missed a lot of things, I was totally nervous and freaked out and felt stressed like crazy - which made it all sooo much worse!

Okay, a little boring details, so you'll know what I'm talking about! :)
Part of the exam was about 20 pages of Hebrew text, and I was unsure of how to work with this. I did translate all of them, analyze all the words, and then retypted them all - and I felt okay with it. I knew I didn't know all the words, far from it, but on the basic course almost no effort is laid on words - it's all grammar. I think that for the last exam, after an entire semester's studies, students are excepted to have a vocabulary of about 60-70 words, or something like that - and I knew I knew far more than that.
And at the exam, all that happened was, I was given the text (2-5 verses at a time) and just told: "Translate!"
Needless to say, I was totally stressed out, and if at first sight I didn't recall a word, I just froze up ... it felt really terrible!! Especially since I felt like I did know at least some of it - I knew it at home, but couldn't for the life of me think of it when I was there. There were also some questions on litterature - and I felt like I was talking completely out-of-the-blue regarding everything ...
All in all - I wanted to make a good impression, and I can safely say: I didn't!
Well, actually, let me modify that, with a though I was working on this morning, before heading off to Uni. I do want to make a good impression, absolutely! Earlier though, that has been the same thing as "knowing things". If I have been at Uni and people have noticed I have a lot of knowledge, I've made a good impression! And that may be true, but I think it's more to it than that - in the way that I actually can make a good impression on someone at Uni, even though I don't know everything I'm supposed to know ... just for being me, a fairly nice and friendly person. It will take some time getting used to that idea though! :)

I know, deep down I do know, that this is the professor's decision - if he think I did well enough to get a passing grade, I shall accept it with a great big smile on my face! :) (even though he's sooo kind, I can't imagine what you'd have to do to actually fail!) And I think I eventually will feel that way too - it's just that since this just recently happened, I have a hard time not looking at my performance and pretty much hating every single minute of it!

What actually was positive, was that when he said we were done, and I got a passing grade, I could talk a little about other things as well - I thanked him for the dinner-evening he arranged for the Hebrew-students last Monday, we talked about that ... we talked a little about post-graduate studies in the Old Testament, as I have hopes of reaching there eventually, and that felt really good ... not least because it was actually me who initiated that ... and I'm really terrible at initiating things! :)

Now I'm in for BIG TIME celebration!! In more ways than one!!

First of all for finishing this semester of course ... and doing it in the way I have! For the first half of the semester, I was officially taking a Biblical Studies course, and at the same time, I followed an Introductory Hebrew course (that I took last spring, but needed to do again, as I felt awful then!) - so I took two full-time courses at the same time. The second half of the semester, I followed - unofficially - the continuing Hebrew/interpretation course, and at the same time did an official Biblical Interpretation course and, also officially, a half-time reading course .... Now, I did slack off a bit on my unofficial course as there was no way possible I could cope otherwise, so I can't say that I studied 250% the last half, but mabye 200% in total ...
Just doing THAT, and making it work, is an effort for me, who's had problems following the regular official 100% courses before!

Another cause for celebration is actually having completed the courses. The Swedish University system is undergoing a lot of changes, but for now, I tend to think in the old system, where a semester was 20 points (was supposed to be 20 weeks of full-time studies). Previous semesters, ever since I got back from sick-leave, I have taken 10-16 points during the semester (I've left some behind me for a while, and caught up on others on re-exams some months later). And this semester, I have not only taken the expected 20 points, I've actually taken 25!!! (since the unofficial corses don't count - but the fact is I "unofficially" took the first exam there, and got the high grade, VG, on it!) Totally amazing!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found out another cause for celebration!!!!! I logged onto my student's account, and saw that the Biblical Interpretation had been reported, and I had VG!!!!!!!! I put a lot of effort into the main paper we did, but this was the first course (along with the reading course) I took on Advanced Level, and even though there's always a hope, I hadn't really expected it!!!!!

Soooooo, officially and unofficially I have this semester taken three written exams, one oral exam and one "hand-in-a-lot-of-papers"-exam ... I got G (the regular passing grade) on the oral exam, and VG on ALL the others, meaning out of 35 points I have had VG on 30!!! (though some are unofficial and won't count)
That's really something!!

Wow, this turned out into a looooong entry, way longer than I had inteded ....
I hope I will have the time and most of all energy, to keep writing about other stuff, either today or tomorrow!
Also, don't only check here, but keep an eye on my Swedish blog as well, as I'm hoping to make a number of posts there too.
And the picture blog is as usual updated once a day! :)
Enjoy!

• Cogito, Ergo Sum
  
• Everyday Pictures!
  

Today's Blog Dedication: Though it does feel a bit weird, I'm actually dedicating this blog to myself - for completing this semester in the way I did! :)

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, Stephen King
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 1
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: RELAXING!!!!!! (and maybe cleaning! *lol*)

Amazing 10000!

Wow, I can't belive it!! 10,000 visistors!!! Quite amazing!! *big, goofy smile*
10,000 visitors in exactly 1 year, 8 months to the day!!! Cool!!!
Thank you all SO much for visiting my blog, I do hope you're enjoying it! ;) Any comments, thoughts or suggestions on improvements are naturally more than welcome!

I realize I should have done something really special on this 10,000th visitor-day, but unfortunately due to the stress I'm under now, I really can't! You have seen the lovely, yet virtual, cake, to celebrate, but that's as far as I can get unfortunately! Still, I'm very happy to see this blog has had so many visitors!

I don't have much new to write about - I'm mostly in a terrible mood right now! I know I shouldn't, but I am and it's driving me insane because I can't get anything done! *sigh* I did manage to get my final paper (don't let that fool you, I still have to papers to hand in for that course, that are overdue!) finished so I emailed it to my professor, but I should have done SO much more which I haven't!
So I'm in quite a bad mood!

Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning!
Take care - and thanks again to all my visitors! :)

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Some orthodox church-book
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 2
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Old Testament lecture, Biblical Interpretation lecture, picnic with Biblical Interpretation course, studies

All's Well That Ends Well!

Okay, turns out this day ended really well, so I have to share that with you as well - seeing as how my last entry was so terrible!

I just logged onto the University site and found out that the results from my last exam in New Testament had been reported: I had VG (the high grade - equals A or B in the European ECTS-system)!!!! Whooo-hooooo! *me very happy now*

I have, after all, taken two full-time courses at the same time, I've written four exams and I've gotten VG on ALL four of them!! *a little proud* It's quite an amazing feeling - and I'm really really happy tonight!
Still can't deny most of the day was rotten, but this certainly helps, that's for sure! I hope this can be a turn-around, so that I can feel a bit more motivated and a bit less tired, to take on the rest of my studies - especially since I have added yet another course now ... *yikes*

I'm rather tired after this day, and I have a few things to take care of before I head off to bed, so I'll make this a short entry - I just wanted to share the good news!!! Yay me! :D

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Exploring the texture of texts, Vernon Robbins
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 5
Currently listening to: He used to give me roses, Theme song for Prisoner Cell Block H
My Plans for tomorrow: Hebrew/Old Testament lecture, shopping and errands, cleaning, studying

At Long Last!

I'm so sorry for my lack of entries here, but what can I say? It's a crazy, crazy, crazy world out there!!
Things have mostly been focused on my New Testament exam, which took place today! Unfortunately I was behind on two other projects for that course, which took up most of my Easter weekend, so I had pretty much two days (not even whole days!) to finish all 55 questions for the exam - and some of them were huge!!!
Needless to say, yesterday I walked between the kitchen table - where I looked up the answers and wrote them down - and the computer - where I typed them. I kept going, more or less living on coffee and caffein-pills, and I finished at 3.15 a.m. this morning! *YAWN*!
I slept until about 7.30, then printed all the questions, and could afford to take things easy a little bit this morning, while trying to review the questions.
I left at about 11.30, which was very early (the exam was at 2), but I figured I could study at Uni too. Lucky for me, I went early! First there was an accident here in town, so my bus was almost 15 minutes late (meaning I had missed one train), and then when I got to the trainstation the train I was going to take was really late! It usually takes me about 15 minutes by train, today it took an hour!!! *yikes*
When I got to where the exam was taking place, it was almost circus. I was taking the New Testament exam with my group, and in the room next-door, my Hebrew-friends (*lol*!) was taking their exam!!
My exam was 'okay', and I will be surprised if I didn't pass, because then I must have misunderstood big-time. I can't be sure that I'll get VG (the high-grade, equivalent to A or B in the ECTS-system), because it's really hard to get that in the new system, and for that I'll need some luck! But I feel confident I passed, and that's the main thing, because then I can honestly put this course behind me now! *yay*

Tomorrow I'll go back to Uni and meet the Hebrew professor, I'm going to get the exam they took yesterday to check it out during the weekend - only for my personal benefit (since I've already taken that course). I really would have wanted to set up a potential exam-situation here at home and take it "properly" (that is, in the same way as if I'd taken it today), but that won't work, because I have focused so much on NT lately and a lot less on Hebrew ... so there's not really much point in trying to make it into a 'real' exam, when I haven't studied the way I would have for a 'real' exam! Still, I think it's good to check it out, and I suspect we'll go through it on Monday, at least I'll have an idea what it's about then! :)

Other plans for the weekend ... I won't be stressing the way I have these last few days, but I certainly have a lot planned. Tomorrow morning I'll take some time to check out the town after seeing my Hebrew professor, I hardly ever get to do that anymore, and the rest of the weekend I have to clean my apartment, do a ton of laundry, check out the Hebrew exam (go back and repeat some grammar first I suspect! *lol*), start preparing Hebrew sentences (biblical verses) for next week and get started on my reading-course in Hebrew ... sound like I'll be busy?! Yeah, I thought so! *lol*

Still, I'm in a really good mood today, I feel proud of myself for actually completing all the New Testament questions, despite the fact that they took so much time, I feel confident I passed the exam today, and I feel pretty confident about the future in general, even though I know I'm for studies 24/7 for the next few months!! But I really don't mind!! I'm really starting to feel at ease at Uni, I'm coping with the social situation in a way that I don't think I ever have before, I'm taking subjects I'm interested in (at least most of the time ...), I'm even getting more and more established at the Department, I'm learning that talking to teachers is just like talking to other, normal human beings ...
Yeah, like I said ... things feel pretty good right now! :)

So, on that positive note, I will sign off and say Good Night - because I am indeed very tired right now! :) Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Vildåsnans törst, en bok om den hebreiska bibeln, Åke Lundqvist
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 1 (yup, starting from the beginning again now! *lol*)
Currently listening to: We need a vacation, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen (suitable, isn't it? *lol*)
My Plans for tomorrow: Trip to Uni, some shopping, cleaning and studies

Some Good News ... And Some Bad!

Mixed feelings about today ... mostly good, but some bad as well! Despite I have to go against the chronological order of the day, I will start off with the bad news, only to be able to finish off with the positive ones ... :)

I'm supposed to have a seminar tomorrow, in my New Testament-course ... which I will not go to! *sigh* I had high hopes of going to seminars at this course, but not everything this semester works out! I have missed a few lectures, because I've been sick, so aparently I missed when our teacher handed out the instructions for the semiar. I found this out today, and I tried to work my way up to actually be able to approach him and ask for the instruction, and that wasn't easy! Things are generally a lot better now than before, but this group in Bible Studies (the Old and New Testament-courses are parts of a larger Bible Studies course, so it's the same group of students) ... well, I don't feel quite comfortable in this group, so things that in some way attract attention to me feel rather tough (you can notice the difference in Hebrew, a different group of students, where I'm almost always completely at ease!) ... I think I had mananged to overcome the most acute anxiety regarding the seminar-instructions, when I realized that what we had to prepare was SO much, it would have taken .... I'd make a guess and say maybe 5-7 hours! ... and that only made my anxiety worse again.
And then the thing that made me realize I would not go .... We were supposed to analyze a number of New Testament-texts, and our teacher says he should read the text out loud, because ancient texts were meant to be oral, so we should practice on how to read it, in order to best mediate the text's message ... and then we could "perform" and "dramatize" the texts during the seminar!! *YEAH RIGHT!!!* I'm NOT doing any kind of dramatic act in this group, that's for sure!!!! So, aparently, I'm going to have to make some written complement instead ....
This dampened my otherwise good mood, because I had really hoped I could have joined in the seminars on this course ... but with this final thing, no way!! And hey!! Since when are we required to act just to study the Bible?!?!? Okay, granted, those studying to be priests or ministers might have to "act" or "perform", but that is not my thing!!!
Okay, enough rambling, moving on to more positive news! :)

First out, Hebrew class this morning!! I don't think I've ever enjoyed myself more then I do when I'm there. Sure, I'm nervous and have slight levels of anxiety at times, but overall, I love this class!!! The group is really nice and friendly, our teacher is very passionate and wonderful with a great sense of humour, and I really feel at ease and like I belong there!!
I was asked to read again today ... luckily I got a really easy sentence that hardly even needed analyzing, but I'm just so extremely happy that I'm going through with this in the manner I am!!
During the second half of the lecture, we read a modern Hebrew text, which was totally cool!! We started yesterday and finished today ... there were a lot of laughs, since we are mostly used to the quite liturgical language of the Hebrew Bible - and this visit by two aparently illterate restaurang-visitors was quite funny! I also managed to answer a question that was related to this modern Hebrew text - yay me! :)

I spent the "break" between lectures (10-1) studying, mostly ... and during the New Testament lecture (before the semiar-thing came up) we found out that our Old Testament-exam was ready ... *gulp* I was most curious, especially since they are implementing a new grading system now, to more easily adapt to the European educational system ... It will take a while to get used to though ...:)
I was happily surprised when I got my exam though ... I scored 24 out of 28, which was a B (in the old system, the high grade, VG)!! I more easily reference the old system, as I'm used to that, and I'm very happy to get VG, as I really didn't think I would (I thought it not impossible I'd passed, but to get VG was quite unexpected!)!!
Also, something to think about! Practically (even though I've made some special arrangements), this semester I've been taking two full-time courses at the same time, and taking this exam and the "test" we did for Hebrew a while back - I've gotten VG on both of them!! *proud*

So, even though the end of the day at Uni was a bit disappointing, overall I'm in a good mood and have had quite a good day today! :)
Since this seminar-thing happened, I've had to change my plans for tomorrow a bit though. No seminar, obviously! I was also supposed to have lunch with Johanna, but since it's turned out like this, I really don't feel like going into town or the Department tomorrow, so I'm hoping we can re-schedule .... so tomorrow I'll only go to see a good friend and her young son in the afternoon - the rest of the time I can study at home ....

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Litterature to my courses
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 7
Currently listening to: The Ghost Song, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen
My Plans for tomorrow: Meeting a friend, studies!

Double Celebration!

I'm actually celebration double today ... although one celebration has been forgotten in everything that has been going on in my life, and is a bit late.
First and foremost, I'm celebrating my day off - I have taken every minute of today after lectures this morning off, just relaxing and doing what I WANT!! Wonderful!!
Yesterday was tough, with lectures in the morning, and the Old Testament exam at 2 in the afternoon! I think I did okay on the exam, and I should have passed! There's a re-organizing going on of the entire University education system in Sweden, and this also effects the grades, making everything even more confusing, but like I said, I should have at least passed (we get the exams back on March 13th, so keep your fingers crossed until then, will you?! )
We had lectures this morning too, and despite a certain nervousness with me, everything worked out great! I had only prepared a few sentences for today (understandably, right?!?), and I quickly realized that I would be asked to read/analyze/translate and also that it would be a sentence I had not prepared! This would have constitued a national crises had it been a year ago, and while I was a little bit nervous, it felt quite okay to read, and then say that I hadn't prepared anything ... I also managed to answer to a question in class, during the second half of the lecture - and I can't help but be amazed at how my life is right now (especially in Hebrew class) ...
The teacher is very soft spoken, but I'm wondering if he doesn't think that there are actually two of us, the "evil" Jessica was there last semester, and the "real" one is there now - because if I try to see things from an outside perspective, I actually feel like two completely different persons!!
So, finishing the end of this week in this way certainly requires celebration!

I also should have celebrated on February 13th ... but aparently that day simply flew by without me thinking about it's special significance ... but the fact it, that on February 13, 2006, I finished the sick-leave I had been on for close to four years and went back to full-time studies! Something to really celebrate, at least in my opinion!! I can't say that it's been great ever since, because that would be an outright lie - but I am first and foremost proud of the fact that I managed to come back to studies at all, after being away for so long!!! And if one looks to the way this semester has been so far, soooooooooo much has happened in these two years ...

I have had a fantastic day - I haven't done much, a few digi-scraps (not uploaded yet) and mostly TV and tacos (yeah!!!!) - I have watched six brand new Stargate-epsiodes so far!! *lol* Just now I finished "Window of Oportunity", I don't think I have laughed that much in a long time!!! Hilarious!!!! The time-loop sequence was probably my favourite, even though I don't think Sam and Jack should get together, their kiss in front of General Hammond was very memorable, also Jack and Teal'c golfing through the Stargate - wonderful episode!!
Apart from that, not much to say about this day!
I have tons of stuff to get done this weekend - but I had early on decided that this would be my "day off" - so I have completely foucsed on fun stuff today! I'll start on the "must-list" tomorrow morning! *lol*

Take care guys, I hope you are enjoying your weekend as much as I'm enjoying mine!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Bible!
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1 (season 4)
Currently listening to: If We Ran The Navy - Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen
My Plans for tomorrow: Studying Hebrew, cleaning!

*~* YES! *~*

I have actually had a really good day today, where pretty much everything has worked out really well! Those days aren't that frequent with me, so I am truly greatful when I get to experience them ... and I do realize that my blog mostly has had a negative tone to it before - so I'm trying to make up for it now, by really telling you that I am in fact feeling really good right now!

We had Hebrew first, and this time I actually was a bit worried at first. It was kind of tough at home this morning and I did have anxiety! I think it mostly comes from the fact that we are currently moving into the areas where I had major problems last semester, where I misesd about 4 or 5 lectures and felt really awful! I have actually gone back and read my diaries from this time last year and it's really terrible! The anxiety screams to you from every page and I do have a hard time just reading it now! I think that's where my current anxiety comes from, even though I know that I have changed a lot ... but a lot of stuff are the same as well: it's the same sentences, the same "read-translate-analyze"-thing, the same teacher, the same litterature ... so I do feel anxiety now as well ...
It has not reached the point where I'm doubting wether I'll go or not, which is very good, and I know pretty much what to use in order to reduce the anxiety that I do have.

Once I got to Uni this morning, things somehow really improved ... I'm always there first, but my friend Lena arrives pretty soon after me. When she came this morning, she was looking rather tired, while I was in a great mood and actually sang a little song to welcome her! *LOL* For some reason she didn't quite improve! :D
I am nervous when it comes to reading and all of that, but I'm also realizing more and more, that there is no big deal to make mistakes, and a lot of people in the class aren't that great at reading ... so I really should worry if I don't feel I'm "perfect" in any way. I think this goes back to last year as well, I always felt like I was the worst possible student, I knew the last, I made the most mistakes etc. which made me feel very exposed and vulnarable ... but that's not the case now! I'm far from the "best", but that's perfectly fine with me ... I just don't want to be the who always makes the stupid mistakes - but I'm really NOT!!

After the lecture, like last Friday, our teacher said he'd go for coffee at the Sociology Department and I think that is a really lovely gesture and I love the way it allows students and teachers to interact on equal grounds. Often it's very clear boundries - they are the teachers, we are the students, but fact of the matter is, in the end, we're all human beings, right?! Lena didn't want to come, she'd brought coffee and wanted to get a headstart studying ... this made me really stop and think! Last Friday we'd both gone, which makes me feel like I kind of have "safety net", since I know her so well ... now what? To my great delight I could both in front of myself and in front of her, say that I wanted to accompany our teacher for coffee instead - and I did!! In all honesty, it wasn't that hard to make that decision, but when it really comes down to it, I think this was a rather big thing for me. I don't know how to quite put this, but I've always been a "follower" rather than a leader, and always done what everyone else does ... so in this case, to "go against" Lena and do "my own thing" is pretty big, I think ... and it makes me kinda proud too! :)
We had a lovely coffee break; me, our teacher and four other students from the course!!
Afterwards I spent about 1½ with Lena, going through some Hebrew grammar - I had missed some things during the week and she'd missed some other things ... so it felt good to go through it before the weekend.

I was home at about 1, and had a wonderful 1½ hours-nap which was GREAT!! This afternoon I went out for a walk with my "new" camera, the first time I've really taken time to do that! We've had a wonderful day today, cold but sunny and fantastic!! It turned out to be quite a lot of photos - so you're actually only getting a selection of them! (some other pictures as well!)
I hope you enjoy them!!

Tired Zorro on my couch!
Cute while he's sleeping, right?! :)

This is me, obviously! *lol*
I had my camera with me to Uni (doesn't happen that often!!) and Lena wanted to try it! Looks really terrible, but I guess my fellow students survive with having me around! :)


Ran into a lovely looking swan on my walk today!
Think he (she?) was looking for a feed though ...



Various photos from my walk this afternoon! I love the sharp contrast between light and dark in some of the pictures! It wasn't really as dark as it looks, but since the sun was so sharp, I guess the camera compensates!


And finally - my SUNSET!!! Looks great, doesn't it?! :)



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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Bible (2nd book of Samuel so far)
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 3
Currently listening to: Les Misérables Israeli Radio Recording
My Plans for tomorrow: Heavy studying, and cleaning my apartment