Summer 2011

Finally it's time for a general update on the summer of 2011, so I can get started on this autumn later on.

Like I said in my previous entry, I have to say that overall this summer has been a really good one! There are a number of reasons for that, I think, but as they are very personal both to me and to people close to me, I won't say anymore. After all, the important thing is that the summer has been pretty good.

The most difficult part has of course been coping with the first summer without Zorro! As I wrote here earlier, the first time I got to the summerhouse without him I basically collapsed, and it has been a lot of more difficult to handle than I had expected.

Even though it was quite an ordeal for Zorro to travel to the summerhouse, I think he really liked it there, and he came to really fit in there. It was wonderful seeing him being able to be outside (as I only have a small balcony where I live) and even though I had him on a leash, it was really long so he could move around a lot!

I also at times feel very much alone when I am visiting my Dad's family. After all, they are a family and while they are all for including me, fact is: I'm not a part of their family, not in that "intimate" way anyway. And I really don't want to be either, to be honest ... I want to be able to visit them and spend time with them and enjoy their company, but I am a grown woman and at the moment, I am my own family. Earlier, Zorro was my family. It was him and me, and when things got really intense we always had each other, at nights and early in the mornings, we could really spend quality time together - and now I have had to deal with the intensity all on my own ...

It has been great spending time with my sisters again - they grow a lot and I have to say that it feels good to see them play well together. That does take a bit of the pressure off their big sister (LOL!) and it's great that they have such a good relationship. Sure, they argue at times and then it can get pretty bad, but mostly, they get on great together - and they grow SO fast!!

Finishing off with a few photos from the summer.

First some nature photos:



And some of my gorgeous sisters:




One day we went to a rather large zoo, which was a lot of fun and we got to see some beautiful animals.





The girls got to go pony riding and that was a BIG HIT, let me tell you! Don't they look great?

10 Year Anniversary!

Yes, yesterday was a bit of an anniversary for me, as it was 10 years ago I moved to southern Sweden! (Skåne) I basically felt a bit like I needed to break free, to start standing on my own two feet (better late than never?) and on top of that I wanted to start studying Theology, and the two major cities to do that then was Lund and Uppsala - so it was Lund.

Apparently things didn't go too well at the beginning, and after about six months here I ended up on sick leave - for four years!! Still, no matter how difficult it was, I never even contemplated moving back ... I think something has always told me this was the place where I am supposed to be, and now, ten years later, I'm certain of that!! I really really feel good here, I feel I have found my place and even though things aren't always perfect (duh!) I really don't want to leave here unless I have to! :)

I took a 2 hour walk yesterday even to try to think a few things through, as there is a lot of things going on now, and some things aren't working out so great - and after that walk, and a lot of thinking and personal writing this morning, I think I do feel a little better. And I have to share some photos from my walk - I just love living my the ocean! :-)





This week is REALLY intense, I have to finish a report on my master's thesis by Wednesday, as I have a meeting with the professor on Thursday, and early Friday morning I go to the summerhouse. First stay will be about two weeks, then I'll go back here for a while, before going back there again. So I also have to clean my apartment, do laundry, book tickets, go to the Bank - and then some ...
I guess I'd better get on with it thought, right? :)
I hope I can make a few more entries here before I leave, because then I'll be basically without internet access for two weeks ...

Everyday Life - 3 Weeks.

I know that my everyday life has to go on now, and in a way I guess it does - but it is difficult ... Today it has been three weeks - and ironically enough I have a meeting with my professor at Uni during the exact hour which was Zorro's last, three weeks ago. I have a feeling I will have some trouble focusing during the meeting.

Like I said, my everyday life is moving on - I have no other choice as you can't stop time, no matter how much you would like to at times. My grief after Zorro tends to vary a lot which is only natural I guess. At times things move along fairly well, and at times I just break down completely. This weekend has for some reason been extremely difficult. I don't know why, but Zorro seems so close to me now, closer I think than he has felt to me since he past away. I tend to relive moments and memories and they are extremely clear and vivid, and it's excruciatingly painful to know I will never experience that in real life again.

As for what the future brings, I don't know. At this point, I cannot plan far ahead, I just don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to do that. I am working on my master's thesis as best I can - which also varies depending on how I feel. What is decided is that I will leave for my Christmas holiday on December 22nd (it's going to be difficult to ride in the Animal's Compartment on the train all the way, but I booked the tickets before Zorro fell ill), and I will probably go back here on January 4th - I will try to book those tickets today.

Finishing off with some photos I took a few days ago - and a few photos to show that it actually has been snowing here, even though there's not that much snow on the ground.

Wind of Change!

When I was about 13 or 14 I really liked the song "Wind of Change" by Scorpions - and I really feel the title is appropriate in my life right now.



As you might have understood, I haven't been feeling so great lately - to be frank, things haven't worked out well in quite a long time, if you look at the big picture.
And, as usual in this life, everything tends to happen at once. I apologize for this vague entry, but what is going on in my life now is very, very personal, and I haven't figured it all out myself yet, so I don't feel up to pouring it all out in a public blog just now ...
Basically, a lot of stuff has hit me in the head like the famous 'ton of bricks' and at the moment, I'm trying to deal with the entire 'ton', not allowing it to crash me, learning something from it, while not forsaking all the practical aspects of my life. Quite a task actually.

What I have brutally come to realize (that ton of bricks is quite a wake-up call!) is that I have to change a lot of things in my life, and I mean a lot! Also, I have to go back to a basic level, and - more or less - change ME! There are a lot of personal features that I have developed and/or nurtured for a long long time that I have come to realize need to change, and change now!
I don't mean to sound overly dramatic - I don't quite like the whole drama-queen-thing - but there are some major changes going on in my life right now ... and that can sometimes be difficult to handle.

I am highly motivated to go through with these changes, I know they are good and, to be frank, quite necessary if my life is going to function in a decent way, but I also know there will be setbacks and none of these changes come easy.

I hope I can keep this blog alive even though it might not be very specific regarding these things, as they are deeply personal. But this blog has been a part of my life for some very eventful four years, and I would of course like to try and keep it that way!

This is a quick - and vague, I know - update to what my life circles around right now. Hopefully I will be back with other entries, both regarding this kinda deep subject, but also about other things that go on in my life.

I'm sharing some photos from my last photo walk as well! I had hoped to reach the ocean to catch the sunset - but the sun sets SO quickly this time of year, I think I missed it with like two minutes!! Still, the photos turned out okay, I think.

My Secret Garden!

While I have never seen the musical "The Secret Garden" I have two different recordings of it, and I enjoy it a lot! And now it seems I've almost found my own secret garden - which actually happens to be the cemetery!!
I live next to quite a large cemetery, but I've never really gone in there, apart from taking a short cut through it when I've been late for the bus (*oops!*) ... but I've had a feeling it is quite beautiful.

Well, yesterday and today I decided to take my camera and go for a walk. Things haven't really been going great here lately, and photowalks are a great therapy - at least they work well for me! :) And I really did find a hidden treasure!
The cemetery is almost completely asymmetrical, which I really like! Different parts of it look different, it's not uniformed at all, and it's just beautiful! I have found my favourite corner, which is truly a secret garden. Not that few really large trees, making the sun only shine through the leaves a little, lots of great, high hedges, and small paths and passageways going here and there ... it's just amazing!!

I walked there yesterday around lunch time, and today fairly early in the morning. We had a lot of mist this morning, but just as I got out it started to clear up and the sun came out - the lighting in these huge fur trees and over open newly mowed lawns was stunning!!
I took a number of photos and even though I'm quite happy with most of them, I still can't help feeling they didn't do the scenery justice!
I will definitely enjoy more walks there in the future!

Some photos from yesterday:





And from this morning: