Difficult Week

This week has been rather difficult for me ... there are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and trying to sort them out and at the same time get my "practical life" working, it's not just easy ...

I have been struggling and even though I can't say I have been doing really well, I think I have seen some minor improvements as the week went by, and I guess that is a good thing and something to keep working on.

I've been doing a lot of photo projects lately, ordering tons of photos, marked them and put in albums but also computer related photo projects like digital scrapbooking. It's a lot of fun and it helps me relax a bit, which I think I need at times! :)

I'm having a lot of thoughts on a future (quite large) internet project, I will think some more and hopefully get back with an entry on that later today!

Sad Day ...

5 July 1997 ~ 5 July 2011
This would have been Zorro's 14th birthday.

My thoughts have been with Zorro all day today, and I still feel very sad and very upset that I've lost him. I know it was a long time ago, and I know that I'm coping with my life, but as soon as I allow myself to think about him, I get all torn up inside. I still, after all this time, can't grasp the fact that I'll never ever see him again, that I'll never be able to touch him, to hold him, to hear him ...

I figured, before this happened, that I'd be devastated once I had to get used to life without Zorro - after all, I did have time to "get used to" the idea, as Zorro was quite old when he died. But not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how difficult it would be!!
I don't think it took me very long to realize and accept Zorro's death - but I still haven't been able to realize and accept my life without him ... there is actually a great difference between the two ...

As I was going through my digital photos today, I was sad to see there are hardly any photos of me and Zorro together! :( I know my Mum took some photos about 7 years ago, but that was before I had a digital camera so I don't have those pictures in the computer ... apart from that there are very few photos actually ... and most of the ones I have are pictures of me and Zorro with my Dad and his family, where all of us are standing together - so I basically have to crop the photos a lot to get just me and Zorro! :(
I'll share pretty much all of these photos I have (I think there might be one or two more, but I'm not sure ...).

Chaos and Change!

I haven't been feeling very well late, and it seems the more I've been trying, the more chaotic things have become.
I will be going to the summerhouse tomorrow, for about two weeks, and I'm hoping that a change of scenery will change this downward spiral I feel I'm stuck in right now - and as usual I have no internet access when I'm in the summerhouse.

We haven't made plans for the summer yet, but I'm hoping to go now, stay for about two weeks, then come back home for about three weeks, then go back for about three weeks, before coming home for good ... but nothing has been settled yet, so we'll just have to wait and see ...

I will try to update the blog when I get the chance ....

Take care for now!

Good Day - Scary Ending!

The title does sum up my day pretty much, but I guess I should elaborate a little bit. :-)

For some reason I couldn't sleep tonight, so I've basically been up since 2 a.m. - slept like half an hour on the coach in the morning, but that doesn't really count.
I went to Uni early and was there before 8 a.m. to attend a B.A. Essay seminar by a student who took the OT course last year and came to my mentor meetings. While I'm not in that seminary group I basically "know" (in a varied sense of the word, but still...) most of the people there.
It was an interesting seminar about an interesting essay, focusing on the monarchic thought in the Gideon-story in Judges - I've never really studied Judges before even though I knew the story, so the morning was quite interesting.

At 10 we started the OT seminar, there were four interpretations so seminars was going on 10-12 and 1-3 - all of them dealing with Gen. 3. We are all hereby experts on Gen. 3! *lol* Well, maybe not quite, but it was nice to get all of those interpretations on the same day. I very much enjoy these seminars, all the interpretations are so different and it's very interesting to listen in on the discussions going on! :)
After lunch, the teacher who had the first part of the course showed up and stayed for the two remaining seminars which was very nice indeed.

After the seminars I ended up in the middle of a fantastic discussion between the two teachers ... apparently this was not the first time they had debated like this, and it was done in an extremely friendly and fun fashion, but it was quite intense, and I felt a little like I was watching a tennis game, head moving from one side to the other! :-)
We stayed for over an hour, and as I was leaving Uni I met my former Greek teacher, which was really nice as I haven't seen him in a long time. We have a pretty distinct jargon amongst us, he think I'm silly to want to continue in OT and tries to convince me to "swap" to NT (where he works) and I stoically stand my ground and maintain that OT is fantastic ... :-)

I had just missed my train so I had to wait for almost half an hour for the next one before going home. I debated with myself whether to go grocery shopping on my way home, but I was really tired and it was getting late, and I figured I'd survive until tomorrow, so I took the first bus that came along.
On the bus ride I started reading the interpretations for tomorrow (I had only read through them quickly earlier), when all of a sudden the bus comes to a screeching halt!
Apparently a car had appeared out of nowhere and didn't stop, the bus didn't hit the car (which just disappeared) due to the sudden breaking, but it was quite a nasty experience! Bags and stuff were flying all over the bus and some people really got hurt! One lady hit her head pretty bad, and a young woman just in front of me took a really bad fall and ended up on the bus floor, her husband had to carry her to a seat!!
I'm okay I mostly got away with some cuts and bruises and a throbbing headache. The driver called the police but after a while he announced that all of us not wanting to press charges or report personal injuries could go to catch the next bus.
I was quite tense the entire bus ride, this really shook me up even though I wasn't injured!

I've been feeling exhausted all evening, so I'm going to turn in early. I haven't read through the interpretations for tomorrow as thoroughly as I would have wanted, but there's no way I can get through them tonight. Seminars don't start until 10 tomorrow and while I have some errands to run before that, I hope I can get a decent night's sleep and hopefully look through them tomorrow morning.

5 Months - Difficult Day

Today it's been exactly 5 months since Zorro died ... and while I realize some people may think I should be over this now, I'm not! I can function, I can go through certain parts of a day without thinking about him, or how much I miss him - but whenever I do think about him (and I do, a lot - and I don't want to stop!) it feels like someone is cutting my heart open with a knife!

Five months is quite a long time - and yes, in most aspects of my practical life I am getting used to him not being there. It's not the same torture to come home alone now, with no one waiting for you at the door, with no one demanding your attention, with no one feeling happy that you are home again. And I can sleep in the bedroom now, which was completely impossible the first month after his death - I can go to bed alone now ...
But the knowledge that I will never ever see him again, never hear him, never feel him, it's just killing me - it's tearing me up inside and it is a wound that is nowhere near healing yet.

Unfortunately (I guess) I had a pretty heavy day today! While I do love what I'm doing at the moment, and I generally feel things are working out now, better than before, I can't help but wish I could have had a day today where I didn't have to do anything.
I had a slow morning, which I think was good, I needed to prepare in order to cope with this day.
I went to Uni around 10 and met Elisabet when I got to the Department! We fixed the coffee and stuff for our mentor meeting and we had lectures at 11. These texts are really interesting and there were also some grammatical issues raised. I'm usually very interested in that and I feel I do know a fair bit of Hebrew grammar now - but I felt these issues came at the wrong time ... I was completely off today and I think I could have done a lot more of it if I had been feeling better.

At 1 we had the mentor meeting and our mentor supervisor came to visit, she stayed for about half of the meeting. The attendance has improved which is so much fun, both last week and today we had seven students which is amazing (there were a few meetings where there were two of them!) and it opens up for really constructive discussions! Overall I felt the meeting went really well, and it was a nice balance between the students own initiatives and our planning - and hopefully the students got something out of it too!

After the meeting I managed to get a book I've been wanting for a while now, and the timing couldn't have been better. It's a book the OT students have to read, called "Creation and the persistence of evil" by Jon Levenson. I really should have read it last year, for the essay I was writing, but I didn't have the time. I think the theme is really exciting and it so happens that the OT course will have a seminar on this book on Monday. It's been a bit difficult to obtain, but I managed to get it today, so with a bit of speed reading over the weekend, hopefully I can follow the seminar discussion on Monday, even though I'm not supposed to take active part in it!

I haven't gotten anything done this afternoon, but considering what day it is and how I feel, I'm not surprised, and I'm not beating myself up about it either ... I guess all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow! Naturally, all the feelings I have for Zorro are still there, it's just that on special occasions or when I really think about him or come across something that really remind me of him, I tend to loose control completely!
I can make things work if I don't think about him, but every time I do, I go to pieces. And I don't want to go the rest of my life actively trying to not think about him ...

I did get a text message from Sara and Johanna tonight, they wanted us to finally get together again!!! YAY! It was ages since we saw each other and it always seems like one of us can't make it if we plan something! At least it seems like we can all meet on April 29 and I'm SO looking forward to that!!!

I don't really think I'll get any sleep tonight, but I'm hoping for some constructive personal writing will help, at least it gives me a chance to really vocalize what I feel and hopefully make some sense of it. Even though it doesn't make my feelings go away, it tends to make it easier to deal and cope with them ...

I found this graphic when I was going through all my computer files to transfer to my new computer ... I had actually forgotten I had made it, but now I love it - even though it breaks my heart to know that the team is now broken up ....

A Strange Day

Today has been really strange, and I'm not sure what to think right now.
On a practical level, things have been fine, good, no worries - but despite that, I feel awful. Very frustrating! If there's a reason for me not feeling great, I know what to work on and I can hopefully find a way to feel better - but when I can't even realize what the problem is ... what can I do?

This morning I went to three New Testament lectures on the theme, "The Gospels as Biographies" - very interesting. While I'll always be more interested in the Old Testament, Bible studies overall is quite fascinating.
After lunch it was time for a Hebrew lecture which was quite interesting as well.

Still, some things didn't feel right, I was supposed to get certain things fixed and organized and that didn't happen, which of course will have consequences. It all feels like a mess and despite a fair bit of personal writing tonight I still haven't made much sense of this day. I'm getting too tired for it now, but since the construction workers get going at 7 a.m. I hope to sort a few things through tomorrow morning ...

I kind of have tomorrow "off" - there's a mentor meeting but this time it's Elisabet's turn to lead it on her own. I just might, if it is convenient, go to Lund for the lecture in the afternoon - as it will cover a group of verbs I tend to have a lot of difficulties with, when it comes to translating texts! I still haven't made up my mind yet, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow ... (which I know will be difficult for me, but at least then I know why ...)

Renovation Part II: Emotional

Due to quite an intense week, unfortunately the blog hasn't been updated. Hopefully I can take some time this weekend to catch up with it!

This entry will try to focus on the emotional part of this whole renovation mess I've been living in for the past 5-6 weeks - naturally it won't be very detailed as emotions are, at least to me, something very private. But I will try to write something.

I think what has become most evident for me is how much I actually value my home! When I was on sick-leave, my home became my refuge, it was the only place in the world where I could totally relax and where I was completely at ease - at any other place there was at least some kind of anxiety involved, although of course the gravity of it varied.
But since I have been feeling better, I can be relaxed at other places as well. Anxiety has not that big part in my life any more (although some of it has come back lately - but that's another story) and I don't have to be on my toes and feeling anxious as soon as I leave my home.
But still, home apparently means a great deal to me - which became very clear when I was more or less thrown out of my home.

I spent three weeks not living at home, and that was really hard on me. Part of the time, I could borrow Christian's apartment - where I was on my own and could go about my business in the way I wanted - and the rest of the time was mostly spent with my Dad and his family, and I'm used to being there as well ... but it was still hard on me not being around my home, my stuff! (This is not to say I'm not grateful both to Christian and to my Dad for making these arrangements possible, because it made things work out well on a practical level!)
Since this was a reaction I had not anticipated, I also was not at all prepared for it, and probably didn't handle it in a great way ...

Things have been feeling a lot better since I was able to come home - but there is an element of anxiety still, as there has been complications and I've basically had people walk in and out any time between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. to try to fix this and that ... And that makes it hard to relax even when I am at home ... this has made me truly appreciate weekends though! :)

Having to go through this renovation mess has also made it impossible for me to try to really deal with my feelings and emotions. I feel like I have been forced to push things aside and telling myself I'll have to deal with them when things calm down a bit - and that is something that I don't feel good about. Pushing things aside make them pile up inside me and eventually I feel like I'm going to break, both physically and emotionally, because there is so much inside me that I can't let out.
This weekend I think is the first time since Christmas, where I can really sit down and work things through (I write - a lot!), not worrying about anything, just trying to focus on what has been going on and how I'm feeling about everything, and why, and where all my emotions come from, and how I'm going to deal with them.
I still have stuff I need to do, but I truly feel I have to prioritize my writing now, if I'm going to be able to feel better!

I have several other blog entries in mind before I feel I'm back-on-track with the blog, so hopefully I can get my act together and publish them during the weekend.

Renovation Part I: Practical

I thought I'd start off by giving you an insight into the practical aspects of this whole renovation mess ... to give a background on what has been going on and maybe that will be at least part of an explanation to why I haven't been feeling very well lately.

Basically it was a bathroom renovation, so they were going to tear down the whole bathroom including the walls and floors. You could make a choice to also have your entire kitchen renovated as well, as they were changing all the water pipes at the same time - this would, however, be too expensive for my taste. They did recommend that we'd do the hallway as well, as in all likelihood there would be damage made to the hallway in the renovation process - also they were going to widen the bathroom door, which meant tearing down part of the concrete hallway wall.

It was also decided that since this whole mess was going to go on, they would also change all the electrical stuff in every apartment ... the fuse box as well as all the wall and roof electrical outlets - this was going to be done the week before the renovation project started, and this was scheduled to take three weeks.

Before the renovation itself begun, they changed all the locks ... I'm sure they had some secure way of doing this, even though I never understood the finer details, but basically they removed our door locks and replaced them with temporary "construction locks", allowing all the construction workers to pretty much come and go as they liked.
After that it was time for the electrical work. Which included moving A LOT of furniture!! As I mentioned here before, I managed to miss one outlet, but cleared away a couple of bookshelves and was told they would fix it during the bathroom renovations (there are at least two, maybe more, companies involved - the electricians and the carpenters, and I assume there are plumbers as well, though I don't think I've come across any of them).

On Friday 21st (January), the covered the hallway floor, and on Monday 24th, I moved out.
Luckily I had a friend in Lund, Christian, who was willing to give up his apartment for me, and temporarily move in with his girlfriend Maria - who I had as a mentor when I was taking Greek! :) I very much appreciate that, as I basically had nowhere to go! We were allowed to live at home, as we were supposed to have electricity most of the time - but with no running water, a toilet in the basement, and shower in barrack in the yard, I really did NOT want to live here.

I stayed in Christians apartment Monday through Saturday morning that week - and I did discover during that time how much I really like my Home! Christians apartment was really nice, and it was a lot closer to Uni than mine *lol*, but I still felt a bit homesick!
Saturday morning, I went up north to visit my families, and I stayed for about 10 days. There were a lot of reasons why I didn't feel great, but I'll see if I can tell you something about that in another entry.
Anyway, I stayed with my Dad and his family between Jan. 28 and Feb. 7, and I also visited my Mum. It was nice seeing them again, but it felt strange to be there for such a long time during mid-semester.
On Feb. 7 I went back south, again to Christian's apartment - where I stayed until Friday. It was said I could move back home on Friday and I spent quite some time that week to make sure that was okay.

I went home on three occasions that week, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning, and tried to find people to talk to - but I kept getting quite vague answers, to be honest.
I was quite nervous when I went home "for good" on Friday afternoon, but when I got here I quickly realized that I did have electricity and I did have running water, which at the time was good enough for me.
That weekend flew by, I was completely exhausted and basically didn't do much of anything.
Unfortunately I had discovered there were A LOT of things left to do, and maybe the most annoying one: the electrical outlet in the living room. As I had decided to rearrange the furniture while I still had to move them things were an extreme mess!!

I spent a lot of time during the beginning of the week trying to find people and get things done, but it took until Wednesday before the electrician showed up. Only to tell me that since the outlet went straight through one of my inner walls, I had to clear the outlet that was on the other side of the wall as well (in the bedroom).
I basically had a complete melt down, as I had already cleared away at least two bookshelves there before, they had changed the outlet and I had moved everything back again (along with all the stuff from the bathroom and some other things!)...

So I moved it all over again, but then it seemed impossible to find the electricians anywhere. I had a carpenter in on Friday morning to do some stuff, and by then I was really upset, there were a lot of things that I had to have electricians to fix (for instance, they removed my internet/telephone outlet when they wallpapered the hallway, which was done at the beginning of the week, and hadn't put it back!) ....
The electricians were nowhere to be found, and I really wanted to take a trip to Lund that afternoon - so I left here at noon and put a huge note on my door with biiiig red letters, stated I needed help from the electricians!

Around 5.15 p.m. when I was at Uni, the Head of the entire renovation project called me!! He is Danish and for the life of me, I cannot understand that language ... so I hardly understood what he said! Very embarrassing! I figured out that either they had fixed most of the stuff and were going to do a check on it on Monday (as in, today), or they were going to fix it ... on Monday.

I kind of dreaded going home, but when I got here I at least had telephone/internet and the outlet in the living room was fixed! Yay!
I spent the weekend trying to get everything back together - and this morning the carpenters came and did a few minor things- but there are still stuff left ...
The "bosses" came around 11 a.m. today to do a survey of the work being done, I had hoped everything would be done but naturally there were a number of things they are going to get adjust during this week.

But at least I can get my place back together now, I still don't want to put furniture in the hallway, as they are not quite done there yet, but I have gotten most of the stuff back where it's supposed to be, so I'm hoping to be able to have this apartment in tip-top shape come this weekend!

This has been quite a difficult time for me, for a number of reasons - I am truly glad that almost everything is finished, but I'm quite down and I think it will take a while for me to make a come-back from this.
I hope to make another entry fairly soon on how I've been feeling (even though I won't go into that much detail!) this past month ....

Home Sweet Home!

That sentiment has never ever before felt so true!

I realized just now that it has been exactly four weeks to the day since my last entry. I know I wrote then that I would try to keep updating the blog even though I wouldn't stay home, but the fact that I have been taking a blog break has actually been deliberate.
I have not been doing well the last four weeks, for numerous reasons, and there have been times when I have wondered if I really had it in me to pull through...

The practical aspects of my life, at least some of them, seem to be falling into place now, for which I am most grateful! However, I have been forced to repress and push aside all the mental and emotional aspects of my life for quite a long time, and that is not something that suits me well. The repression approach - "if I close my eyes maybe it'll go away!?" - has never worked for me, I really need to take the opposite approach to the difficulties that arise ... and now I haven't been given that opportunity.

I think I will be able to start dealing with a lot of things during next week, so hopefully I will start feeling better and better.
As a lot of things has happened these past four weeks, I will try to make separate entries, so as not to bore you to death with one single entry that keeps going forever.
Please note that I am now in the process of restoring almost my entire apartment, which takes up most of my time, and I am also completely exhausted, so I might not make a new entry every two hours or so - but I hope I can catch up with the blog over the next few days at least.

You will probably get a few photos of various stages of renovation along the way, although the "AFTER" pictures aren't available yet, as not everything is ready yet.

Everyday Life - 3 Weeks.

I know that my everyday life has to go on now, and in a way I guess it does - but it is difficult ... Today it has been three weeks - and ironically enough I have a meeting with my professor at Uni during the exact hour which was Zorro's last, three weeks ago. I have a feeling I will have some trouble focusing during the meeting.

Like I said, my everyday life is moving on - I have no other choice as you can't stop time, no matter how much you would like to at times. My grief after Zorro tends to vary a lot which is only natural I guess. At times things move along fairly well, and at times I just break down completely. This weekend has for some reason been extremely difficult. I don't know why, but Zorro seems so close to me now, closer I think than he has felt to me since he past away. I tend to relive moments and memories and they are extremely clear and vivid, and it's excruciatingly painful to know I will never experience that in real life again.

As for what the future brings, I don't know. At this point, I cannot plan far ahead, I just don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to do that. I am working on my master's thesis as best I can - which also varies depending on how I feel. What is decided is that I will leave for my Christmas holiday on December 22nd (it's going to be difficult to ride in the Animal's Compartment on the train all the way, but I booked the tickets before Zorro fell ill), and I will probably go back here on January 4th - I will try to book those tickets today.

Finishing off with some photos I took a few days ago - and a few photos to show that it actually has been snowing here, even though there's not that much snow on the ground.

1 Week

I can't believe it's been one week. One tiny little week. One immensely long week. I guess this entire situation just feels completely unreal, so it's not that strange I have no time conception whatsoever ...
I don't know how to summarize either, because it feels pretty much impossible! My Mum came here on Wednesday, basically a "rescue-operation", and while I think I could have coped without it, it felt really good that she came. I'm an extremely private person, and I cannot share really intense feelings with anyone ... but I think what did help me was the fact that we got some practical stuff DONE - which I probably would have completely ignored if I had been on my own! I got the apartment at least fairly clean before she came, we did a ton of laundry, we did some major grocery shopping and cooking (so I have lots of food stacked away now!) - and we also made more of a fun outing to IKEA in Malmö on Friday ...

On Saturday it was time for mine and Annika's annual Christmas tradition (see entry below), so my Mum and I went to Gothenburg together, and when I met Annika, my Mum went on home.

I think the main thing I'm feeling, besides the complete and total emptiness and loneliness that comes with missing someone close to you, is an extreme fear of forgetting!! I know I will forget, time inevitably causes you to forget, and I don't want to forget!! I guess some people will say I'm torturing myself for nothing, but I don't see it that way ... I don't care how much it hurts (and it hurts A LOT!), I do NOT want to forget anything about Zorro!!!
I've come across with people who deal with sorrow in a manner that is basically 'forget-and-move-on' - and that is totally not me! I think they feel that if you "get on with your life" and go about your normal business, the pain will be less. Maybe it will, but I still don't ever ever ever want to forget ... and I'm really scared because I know that the more time that will pass, the foggier the details will be.
I mean, I will always remember specific incidents regarding Zorro - when we visited my Dad and his family, when we were in the summerhouse, his train trips etc. - but it's the ordinary daily routines that I'm scared to forget. They were so natural for such a long time, and I know that when I start developing new routines that doesn't involve him (which I already have!), the old routines will fade!
I'm trying to write as much as possible in my diary about these ordinary things (such as the fact that we had our very own language!! *smiling!*), so at least I will have it there .... but it's still extremely difficult to know that all these little things that have been a part of my life for the past 10 years will just fade away ...

I know I have to "get on with my life", which at the moment is extremely stressful, especially regarding studies ... but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that! I have written almost all day today, but I probably won't have time to go through all I want to go through - and I'm still not sure that will prepare me for full-time studies and then some.
At this time, I don't have the energy to worry too much about it, I'm more in a "let's try it and see what happens"-mood right now. So I guess we'll have to see what happens ....

Drowning!?

First of all, I took these totally cool photos of the sun outside my living room window (I just love my zoom lens!!)! I have to say that I'm fascinated by the colours and contrasts of the photos - what do you think?





Moving on to not-so-pleasant matters. I have been going through some tough days now, and even though I know they appear every now and then, they're not so nice to deal with.
I'm very worried about lots of things in my life right now, and none of them are really going to be solved any time soon - meaning of course I just keep thinking and wondering and not being able to do a lot about it.
I have "sort of" let one thing go now, but I have a hard time letting difficult things go, even though I know I should be focusing on other matters.

I realize this is very vague, but I find it difficult to articulate how I feel about what to myself, and I definitely don't want to do it in a public blog - but there are a lot of things that have been accumulating for a while and I really do feel like I'm drowning!
I guess all I can do is try to calm down and see what I can do and try to focus on that. As usual, it's easier said than done though...

I had a meeting with my professor yesterday, about my master's thesis - the meeting started well, but ended up feeling worse and worse. Nothing against him, he's really fantastic and he tries to help me as best he can - but I really do feel awful and that makes it really hard for me to focus and get something out of a tutoring meeting like that. But it's a shame, because I don't see him very often and I will have to get a lot of things done until our next meeting. Ah well, yet another thing that shouldn't occupy my mind, I guess, since it's already happened ...
We did have a nice moment just as I arrived. He was in the teacher's lounge (which is sort of next to his office) and called out to me when he saw I came. Apparently he'd seen the lists of applicants for next semester's courses - and since we're in the middle of changing everything (yes still, our education system - in our Department - has been more or less constantly changing since 2007) it was a huge confusion and mix-up regarding the courses. After confronting and challenging a former student counsellor and a secretary we finally realized that there are 26 applicants for the Hebrew course - which is GREAT! :)

I'm working really hard at making a "come-back" now, mostly because I know I HAVE to make things work. I have a strong feeling that by the time we reach March, I will have gone to Hell and back, possibly more than once! But I simply have to make it work, there are no other options at this time, so I really hope I can pull my act together and MAKE it work - even if it doesn't work perfectly!

Finishing off with a recent photo of my darling! :)

Happy Anniversary!! 2006-2010!

Okay, I just realized that the blog entry title might be misunderstood but the Swedish readers - we've just had our election (yesterday), and the last election we had was 2006! Well, the "Happy Anniversary!"-part has nothing to do with Swedish Elections, but with the fact that this blog now has been online for four years! :)
And has gotten 25,000+ readers - amazing!! Here's hoping for several more years of blogging! :)

As for the whole election thing, it's the general topic of all Swedes at the moment, I think - because it's been kind of a historic election! It's way to complicated to try to explain the Swedish government system in English - but for the first time in a long time Sweden has gotten a new political party entering parliament ... one that is basically racist (on top of it none of the other political blocks has gotten majority, which means this party will have a lot to say in upcoming political decisions!) ... I haven't talked to anyone who isn't truly appalled by what has happened and it's the general topic of conversation no matter where you turn now!

On a more personal note, the whole confusion theme continues!! Some things in my life are really great and other things are really awful, and I have a hard time coping with that!! Today I ended up with a migraine most of the day, which definitely spoiled all my plans! I have a deadline to complete on Wednesday and let's just say ... I will have a very hard time turning in something decent by Wednesday ...
Things haven't been really great this past month ... I guess I can always say I hope it will change, and I will work for a change - but it's hard to stay positive when things just seem to feel awful all the time, no matter what you do ...

Ah well, I still have a really severe headache, so I don't think I'll be able to sleep anything tonight - which will make tomorrow even harder to take on! Apart from trying to spend all day at Uni, we have some information meeting in the afternoon about the complete bathroom renovation that will take place first thing 2011 - not looking forward to that, as it tends to be .... surprising!! You expect the worse possible scenario and it ends up being even worse ...

Guess I should at least try to get some rest, as the headache is putting an effective stop to any kind of studies (it felt better for a while tonight, but now it is developing into another migraine! *sigh*)!
Take care!

Making A Come-Back!

The beginning of this week was kind of tough on me, for various reasons - and now I've had a couple of days where I've done a lot of thinking! I don't want to go into detail here, but even though not much has gotten done these last few days, I think the thinking-time has done me good and will hopefully make me cope with things in a better way in the future.

I realize this is all very vague, but things have been a bit *strange* (for lack of a better expression) the last few weeks, and I don't honestly think I could explain everything in a way that made sense, even though I wanted to! So for now, you're gonna have to settle for vague! :)

I am hoping to make both a practical and an emotional come-back now, and will hopefully be fairly efficient from now on. It would be good if I felt I got a few things done during the end of this week, because next week will be a bit more intense.

I have a deadline on my thesis paper on Wednesday when I have to email it to my professor, and we have a meeting on Thursday afternoon to discuss it. Also on Tuesday we have an information meeting where I live, regarding the complete bathroom renovation that will take place in my building early next year (found out that if they follow the plan we have gotten, the will be in my apartment at the worse possible time for me ... but I guess there's nothing I can do about that). I'm reluctantly looking forward to the meeting, I'm very keen to find out what's going on, what will be done and how and exactly when, what they expect from us tenants etc. but at the same time I have a strong feeling I will find out that things are going to be even worse than I expect them to be - also these meetings tend to be rather intense, as there are always people protesting and causing trouble ...

I'm also waiting for a reply from the professor responsible for the course that it eventually turned out I now have to take - it only takes to emails to verify this, and I've been shipped around for 6 months?!?!? *deep sigh!!*) - as I'm uncertain as to when I will be able to get the exam for that course ... and I also have to hand in some assignments that I missed earlier. So it will definitely be intense trying to balance both the master's thesis and that course - and on top of that I have to start thinking about applying for post-graduate studies (application is in February) and apparently you have to include a preliminary project description, detailing your initial thoughts on your dissertation ... *yikes!!!* I'm having problems sorting my way through my master's thesis, now I'm gonna have to start thinking dissertation! *very scary!*

Anyway, I'm hopefully I will be able to cope with things in a better way from now on, which I'm hoping will make my life a little easier now! :)

25,000 Visitors!!

YAY! We did manage to reach 25,000 visitors even before the blog anniversary - I'm really happy so many people are reading my blog, even though updates have been a bit scarce now!

This week was actually really tough, hence the no blogging. Monday was definitely the worse, and well - I really don't want to get into it right now! Some of what happened will have short-term consequences, other things will have long-term ... and I just felt terrible all week. Yesterday was also a pretty crappy day, but I'm hoping things will start to change now.

I'm sorry to say that because of this week, most of my motivations is gone ... for basically everything! My professor has an amazing ability to get me supermotivated, and I was after having to talked to him a while back. Now ... not so much!
I know I don't have the option to sit back and just let things happen until I'm feeling better, but I'm hoping to achieve some sort of "apathetic constructivism", where I can get things done just on routine, mechanically, without paying so much attention to what it is I'm doing. I'm not really fond of it, because I tend to get better results if I am involved, engaged and motivated by what I do - but now it's either do it mechanically or not do it at all ...

As of now, I don't have anything specific planned for next week (though the week after that will be worse!), but I'm hoping I can see Jessica again - we haven't seen each other in AGES and I really hope we can plan something, that would be great!! Other than that, it's the master's thesis that will be on my mind 24/7 basically. I pretty much have to write a paper that covers the current research on a major issue in about a week, so I hope I can spend as much time as possible at Uni - even though I right now feel like just taking a trip far far away and don't come back in a great long while ... ah well ...

Spring Is Here!

Finally spring seems to be on its way, and that seems like a suitable time to try to bring my blog back to life again!
Things have been very confusing lately, but I will make an honest attempt at bringing it back now, let's hope it will work out!

This entry will mostly be a catching-up entry, on everything that's been going on lately - I have a feeling it will be quite long, so credit to those of you who will get through all of it! :)

My Accident

Well, I thought I'd start with what's mostly on my mind at the moment!
Last Saturday (a week ago), I was boiling an egg, was about to pour the boiling water in the sink, when I almost stumbled on Zorro! I managed to get him out of the way but spilled some of the water on my foot! Not Nice!!
It hurt a lot - duh!! - but I didn't think it'd be such a big deal, I tried to tend to it myself ... but I heard from a lot of people that burns are tricky and on Tuesday morning I called the local Health Centre. I talked to a nurse who wanted me to come in straight away - yikes!! It wasn't easy, especially with my pretty severe fright of hospitals and doctors! But at least I got there ... A nurse looked at it first and said it looked okay, not infected, but she wanted a doctor to take a look at it before she did anything.
Interestingly enough, the doctor I met was the one that put me on sick leave the first time, in February 2002, and gave me the diagnosis Social Phobia!!! Sometimes the world really IS small! :)
She agreed with the nurse, and the bandaged and dressed the wound, and I was going to come back on Wednesday!
So I did. And met a new nurse! She told me it looked fine - though it sure didn't look that way to me!!! - and not infected. She redressed the wound and gave me a new time on Friday!

I was back yesterday afternoon, with yet another nurse. She really was not good ... she was quit hysterical and didn't give me any clear information at all. She also said that the way I had had the wound dressed before was not good, so she would do it another way - which got me a little nervous. She kept touching the wound, adding creams and gels and whatnot, and when I flinched - because it hurt, a lot!! - she became quite surprised and said it wasn't supposed to hurt at all!!! Eh, what?!?!? I'm missing the first layer of skin on my foot, she's in there poking and it's not supposed to hurt??!?! "I think I speak for everyone here when I say, HUH?!?"
Anyway, she dressed it, and gave me new appointments for Monday and Wednesday, told me to rest as much as possible and sent me home.
And to be honest, I've been in more pain since I came from her than I have the entire time since I burned myself! That can't be good, right?! She really scared me with talks of infections and emergencies and God knows what ... I know I probably should pay too much attention to what she's saying, since she was just weird - but it's hard not to worry - this is a damn inconvenience for me, and I want it to heal as quickly as possible, without any complications!!! I have decided to wait until Monday, when I'm going to meet yet another nurse - hopefully she's better than this one, and can answer some of my questions ... and hopefully it hasn't gotten worse, even though I'm in so much pain!

The Weather!

We're having almost spring weather now, so most of the snow has melted - YAY! The problem is that the weather has been more extreme up north, where my parents live and where we have our summerhouse ... they've had such amounts of snow, it's hard to even grasp it if you haven't seen it. I know my Dad and his partner has taken turns going to the summerhouse to try and save at least the roofs of the buildings we have - but it's still a touch-and-go situation!! They've been having warmer weather as well, it's good some of the snow is melting, but it also makes the snow a lot heavier which is not-so-good for the roofs - or the trees or anything else there! I think one of them will go there today to try and clear most of the roofs, then maybe the rest of the snow will just melt ...
I got some photos from ... I think it was last weekend ... when one of them was there ... It's incredible, I can't remember we ever having that much snow before!!!




Studies!

Yeah ... right ...
My studies have not been going so well lately. In all honesty, a lot of other stuff has gotten in the way, mainly my "injury" of course, but there are some more personal issues that have taken up a lot of time and worry and effort as well. I'm struggling with my mandatory course (Religion, tradition and Communication), I have had a hard time managing that course, and I've not done it the way I was really supposed to, but I'm hoping I will be able to make some complementary assignments later on to at least complete it.
I did work a bit on my essays, but due to computer problems at the Department library I lost all the information I gathered, which made me loose interest a little bit.
I'm really hoping March will be a better month than February has been - on several levels, but practically everything that goes on in my life does affect my studies right now, since my semester is so intense right now!

Summarizing

Well, this is pretty much what is going on right now.
I am trying to get my studies to work, but I have to be honest and say that this whole mess with my foot is a problem. I'm more or less in constant pain, I have a hard time walking and have to use a crutch to support my foot - it's a mess on buses and trains! I know I can't just stay put in my coach until it heals up, but I do have a hard time focusing on my studies right now (and it's not only my foot, it's, like I said, other issues as well). I will try to work on being more focused, because I need to make this semester work out better than last one!!! Period!!

And hopefully I'll be able to keep the blog a little bit more alive from now on, at least I will try! :D
Take care!!

Fighting Spirit!

Lunch, 12.29 p.m.

I am desperately trying to find my inner fighting spirit right now, because I have a strong feeling I'm going to need it!
So far today I sat through a Greek/NT lecture, and felt a bit upset when I realized that I have to start putting some more effort into my Greek studies as well, if I'm going to cope with that course later on (as if I haven't gotten enough to do!).
I also got an email which wasn't great at all. Again no personal details - sorry! - but I had tried to prepare for certain things for quite a while, actually most of the weekend and this morning, I was up at 3 a.m. This email bascially changed it all and now I'm going to have to make new decisions and come up with new thoughts and ideas ...

I have tried to bounce back and I have planned this afternoon's SI/mentor meeting and made some notes from last week's meeting, and I have also studied a little for my master's thesis now. I am however, completely exahausted and I'm almost falling asleep in front of the computer screen. Not good!

Pretty soon I'm going to arrange for coffee for the SI-meeting, then it's an OT lecture 1-3 and right after that we have the meeting ... then I'm going home, stopping on the way at the Bank ...

I wish I had a bit more fighting spirit right now, but I'm mostly tired ... I know I really really really need to make this semester work, but at some point, I can't help asking myself how ...

I don't think I can take any more on Hittite treaties in comparison with Israel's covenant with YHWH, so I guess I should give up and try to get some other stuff done now.
Wish me luck!

Big-Time Confusion!

Apologies for the lack of updates this week. Things have just spiralled and gotten worse and worse this week and I think I landed in some apathetic mental state yesterday!
Now I'm quickly realizing I can't stay there if I'm going to cope with this semester, so I'm hoping I will be able to make a comeback during the day today and hopefully I'll be able to start dealing with everything tomorrow ...

I'm sorry I'm being so very vague about everything, but to be honest, I don't really feel totally comfortable about sharing my most personal issues in a public blog... There are lots of things going on now that aren't so great - my study situation isn't the best, and I'm wondering whether or not to try and do something about that, the future seems mostly like a big black hole, which is a bit disconcerting ... I've run into some financial problems ... It seems like my Dad is really ill, though he won't tell me much about it, nor see a doctor, so that has me worried quite a bit.

I'm hoping I will be able to be more constructive during this week, addressing at least some of the problems that have been piling up and hopefully also be able to solve at least a few of them ...

I'm hoping for more updates during next week, if I can find a solution to some problems, I think it will be easier for me to write about them too - so fingers crossed, hey?! :)
I hope you all had a great weekend!!

Short Update!

Tuesday, 9.25 a.m.

I apologize for not making a proper update, but I'm feeling pretty stressed out. I'm at Uni with a million things to do - and it doesn't help that yesterday was totally crappy and today has started out the same way! :(
I know I have to cope and deal with the difficulties, and I think I will - but I don't have smile while doing it, do I?

Most of what feels bad right now is really private, so I hope you'll forgive me if I don't spill my guts in a public blog ... I just hope this will pass soon and things will feel a bit better ...

Well, I'd better get on with everything I should be doing, at this point, I wish I could split myself into three or four different pieces, maybe that way I'd have time to do everything I should do! :)

Take care!

Not So Good!

Yesterday was not really a great day!
I am generally adapting a "better" and much more positive attitude now than I did last year, but I didn't expect everything to magically work out just because we entered 2010!! Naturally there are days that are worse than others, but you have to try to deal with them as well ... which is what I'm trying to do now!

I skipped the Greek lecture yesterday morning and did some of my "own" studies, and it felt pretty okay, it was mostly preparations for the meeting with my professor. At 10 we had an Old Testament lecture, and they are getting started on the real basic grammar now, so I enjoy these lectures a bit more than the strictly introductory lectures!
Afterwards I had coffee with Maria, I get along great with her which is nice as we will be spending a lot of time together this semester. She's taking the OT/Hebrew course where I am mentor, and I'm voluntarily attending the NT/Greek course where she's mentor! :)

I did get about 1½ hours of studying done after our coffee break, I went over my notes for the afternoon meeting and studied some Greek, and at 2 I met with my professor. I can't say the meeting went well, although I guess it wasn't a complete disaster either. I'm happy I get along so well with him, because otherwise I think I would have been even more depressed. We basically discussed both my master's thesis and my 1st level ... the smaller one needs some major reworking, which I hadn't quite anticipated, and while I'm very happy about getting a pretty clear direction in which to go regarding the master's thesis, I still have a lot of mixed feelings! Life is very confusing!

I felt pretty ... well ... confused after the meeting, but Maria and I went for another coffee (I think I drank more coffee than I ate food yesterday, that's probably not all that good, right?), and it was nice to be able to talk a bit ....

The afternoon did not turn out as planned though!
I was supposed to make a detailed schedule for the rest of this week, I feel like I need to plan every minute of every day now - including showers and bathroom breaks, well almost anyway! - but that did not happen!
First of all, the stupid window people have still not fixed my balcony and I'm getting seriously annoyed with them now ... it feels like it's never gonna get finished.
And later on my computer almost died - AGAIN!!! I don't think it's 100% still, but at least I can use it now! *gulp* I had it on stand-by, but had the lid open (sloppy, I know!). Zorro was going to jump up to the table, but his distance judgement isn't the best now (I think he has some problems with his vision in general too, the hassles of getting old, right?) ... I don't know what happened as I was in the other room, but apparently he must have somehow landed in a bad way on top of the keyboard ... which meant that last night, the keyboard was dead!! Not a single key worked. Not good!!!
This morning I started the computer ... it started beeping ... beeping quite a lot - and then it had some problems starting Vista (why would that be affected by my cat jumping (well, sort of!) on the keyboard?????! I do not understand computers!!!), but I got it started - and now the keyboard works ... pretty much except one key ....
But I am getting tired of this computer not working now ... especially since I didn't get much, or that great, help last time it broke! :(

At least I'm up in time today - though I have a throbbing headache I've been trying to cure since 3.45 a.m. ... don't quite know how to get through this day but it'll have to work, somehow ...

Plans for today, before I start getting ready:
Greek lecture at 8 ... it's kind of fun because when I looked at the sentences we're doing now, I pretty much remember almost all of it - not quite, but pretty much ... that felt pretty comforting.
After that I have another lecture, in my "real" course, Religion, Tradition and Communication (it's such a long title, I'm gonna start using RTC for it, I think!), and I'm a bit nervous about that too. It's a mandatory course on the master's programme, but I'm really not that interested or motivated by it, and that feels a bit scary ...
I have "lunch" for an hour - will probably study - and then there's a registration thing for those of us writing some form of thesis and/or taking a so called reading-course ... they've done one single event for basically all students who will be doing this, so I'm expecting a great big mess - also, one of our student counsellors have recently quit ....
After that I probably will have to stay for at least a couple of hours to get some 'real' studying done as well ....
So, another long day!

But now I have to get ready, or I'll miss my train!