Better Day

Today was at least better than yesterday - thanks for that!

I got to Uni really early and managed to get a bit of studying done when I got there. Unfortunately it was a bit difficult to concentrate at times, as construction workers were drilling or doing something, just outside the library - they seem to be following me!! *sigh*

We had an OT lecture at 10, on Genesis 12. These lectures are so interesting, I'm really happy I get the chance to attend if not all so at least most of them!
I started to feel a headache coming on, again - so I went to the Pharmacy and managed to control most of it anyway! Then I spent some time in the library, finishing off the schedule for the mentor meetings on this part of the course, printing some things and I got a little bit of studying done before heading home.

When I got home I felt SO tired, I basically collapsed in front of the TV for a while - not quite sure why I'm always so tired these days, but I guess the fact that I really don't sleep well at all now could have something to do with it!
I did manage to pull myself together though, and got a few hours of studying done tonight, as well as some general cleaning/clearing.

All in all, this has been a pretty good day! :)
Also, when I saw the blog had reached 32,000 visitors, it got even better! :)

Headache ...:(

Today didn't exactly go according to plan.
I had a full day at Uni planned, including some work on my master's thesis, working on a project I'm doing and attending the first Old Testament lecture on the second half of the course.

It started out fine, though I arrived a little later to Uni than I had planned. But I got in about an hour's work before the lecture started at 10, and it was a nice introduction to this course, I hope to be able to attend as many lectures as possible during this course.
Unfortunately I started getting a headache during the lecture and it quickly got worse, worse and worse - and I realized I had to get home. Unfortunately I had just missed a train, so I didn't get home until 2 p.m. - managed to get something to eat and some painkillers and basically collapsed on the couch!!

The headache got better, but hasn't disappeared completely yet! :( I managed to get a couple of hours of studying done, but it didn't feel great since I was in constant pain the entire time! I'm hoping for an early night, NO headache tomorrow and a better day tomorrow!!

Thinking, Reflecting and Cleaning

Well, the title pretty much sums up the last few days for me. :)

I've been doing quite a lot of thinking and reflecting about things, I need to do that every once in a while if I'm not to get lost and loose focus in my life - and while I have found it difficult to really take the time to do that (I tend to write, a lot!) these past few months, I've had some pretty good sessions now - and hopefully that will do me good in a longer perspective as well!

I have also managed to make a really thorough apartment cleaning this weekend! I'm not done with everything, but at least I don't have that much left, and hopefully I'll get through those bits and pieces during the week to come.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a more intense period now, and I honestly think I'm up for it now! 2010 ended really badly, and 2011 haven't started out all that well, but I am really starting to feel better in a lot of areas, and hopefully that will continue, and I will be able to apply my thoughts and ideas on the more practical aspects of my life now.

Bringing all this down from this abstract level: Tomorrow I'm going to have to find the construction workers as there are things not working out - STILL!! They're not even in my building any more but apparently things can still go wrong! *sigh*
After that I'm off to Uni as the second half of the Old Testament/Hebrew course starts tomorrow - and hopefully I can spend the afternoon doing some work on my own.

Oh, and I have to say: I love my new Sammy computer! We get along sooo well! *lol*
I've managed to download/install most of the programmes I usually use, and it has worked like a charm. I had the "old" Office package, Office 2007, which is really for Windows XP and Windows Vista, and Sammy has Windows 7, so I wasn't sure if that would work : But it did! :)
Also have an old version of Photoshop that I love using for digi.scraps and graphics, and it worked like a charm here as well. I even managed to get a whole lot of brushes from my really old computer onto this one (I didn't even have them on my old laptop!) so I hope to have time for some scrapping and graphics soon! :)

Roller Coaster

This week has truly felt like a roller coaster, going up and down the whole time - so I guess it's not so strange I'm feeling completely exhausted right now.

Monday was a pretty good day - I went to Uni early and went to visit the book store when they opened, with my job application. I talked to the boss, who was really nice and friendly. However, they will not require any new personnel until early summer or so, at the moment there are a lot of renovations going on and they are moving temporarily out to barracks ... Still, I would really really LOVE to work there ... At least I've handed in my application now, I also have to hand in my references when I get them together (that's been a bit complicated ...), and then I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed!

Back at Uni I ended up talking to my mentor supervisor, I had only a few questions but it turned into quite a discussion, which in the end was a really good thing.
I met Elisabet and we prepared for the mentor meeting which took place at 11.30. While there aren't a great number of students, I think the meetings work out fairly well now. We got some good discussions going and I learned a lot from the meeting too.
After the meeting it was time for the last lecture on the first course ... Time sure has flown by quickly, half the semester has gone - amazing! It was an interesting lecture with lots of questions, but I was quite tired and went home almost as soon as the lecture was over.

Tuesday was a really horrible day - for various reasons! It's not something I want to go into, but I felt really awful all day ...

Yesterday I was able to take it easy during the morning, and went into Uni around 10. I met some friends there and at 12, me and Elisabet had lunch with the teacher teaching the second half of the OT-course. We had a great lunch with interesting conversation, it was exciting to be able to discuss the course, the best way to schedule lectures etc. After all, it's what I want to do on my own some day! :) I talked to Elisabet a while afterwards, before heading home.
I got a text message saying my new computer had arrived and in the afternoon I went to pick it up. Unfortunately when I got to the bus stop this kind of creepy guy came up and kept talking to me ... Apparently he'd lived in my neighbourhood before and "recognized me" ... eh? It just gave me a really creepy feeling so it felt good when I got home.

I started unpacking the new computer and it does take a while to get it started and up to speed on everything, but so far, I'm VERY happy with it. I'm usually not a person who tend to "name things" but my new computer has been given the name Sammy (it's a Samsung) ...:) I also realized that my new little camera is a Samsung, so I guess it will be Sammy Jr.! LOL!

I stayed home today as I had some issues to sort out with my landlord ... it ended up being a bit more complicated than I had thought, but I think it worked out in the end. I have also spent some time with Sammy, installing programmes and configuring him to my liking! :)
I am however, completely exhausted tonight, I guess it's because this week has been filled with ups and downs ... I'm hoping for an effective day tomorrow, though I can't give any guarantees - I tend to sleep really really poorly now, and that always makes it tough to be really efficient ...

A New Friend

Yes, here's the newest addition to the household, I'm very much hoping we'll be friends. :)
Since my laptop has decided to quit on me - or rather, the keys are dead, but a computer is not very useful if you can't type anything, right? - I have ordered a new one. I tend to get nervous over larger purchases and constantly ask myself whether I've made a good decision or not, so until I actually get it, I will probably be a bit nervous and anxious.
From what I can tell, I think it's a pretty good computer. I can only afford so much, especially since this was not planned, so I hope I got a good deal on it ...
Delivery is estimated at 1-3 days (!) so I'm hoping I'll get it during the week, and hopefully it will work out and I can have it in order by the weekend! *fingers crossed*

Quite Intense

The end of the week was actually quite intense for me.
On Thursday I went to Lund fairly early and managed to get a few errands done in town before heading to the Department. I sat there working on a "personal project" (there are actually two of them, but they are kind of linked together) - stuff that I do when I feel like doing something but don't quite have the energy to work on my master's thesis.
I met a few friends and it worked out well.

During the afternoon I ended up checking the internet and I found a job I really-really-really-really-really want ... and yes, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'm guessing there will be a LOT of applicants.
They have this amazing theological book store in Lund, they have all the theological as well as Christian literature and a lot of other stuff too. They're looking for people to work there now, among the possibilities was a part time (50%) job working with various tasks in the store. That would be SO perfect, it's something I think I actually qualify for despite the fact that my education is really narrow, the times suit me to the ground. I'm trying to fix a job application today so I can go and speak with them tomorrow! :) *fingers crossed*

There were OT/Hebrew lecture late on Thursday, 3-5 p.m. but it was an interesting lecture. There were some talks about strange looking vowels at the end of the lecture, and I had actually seen a strange looking word earlier. I thought I'd ask the teacher about it (though I was a bit nervous, usually it's something really really simple that I just haven't thought of). Turns out he was intrigued about it as well and we ended up doing a short excursion to the Library to find out what this was all about. And luckily we found the answer ... :)

I was really tired when I got home, but I didn't sleep much as I had a big challenge to take on on Friday. Since I don't have an income now, I'm living on money I've inherited and saved, and obviously that can't go on forever - so I need to find a job ... and yesterday I had planned to go to the employment office to find out ... just basic rules and regulations, I guess.
These are things I still have difficulties with, things like this generate a lot of anxiety and I worked on this for most of the morning. Around lunch time I managed to get there, and even though the visit didn't give me much information I hadn't already guessed, it felt good to at least have taken on the challenge. I also think I know how to go from here ... I need a bit more information before making any real decisions though.
And of course I'm REALLY hoping for the book store job, which would be amazing!

Yesterday I had planned a really constructive day, catching up on things I haven't felt I've had the time for - but unfortunately that didn't happen. For various reasons, I didn't feel great at all, and that day just went by me. I'm not very happy with that, but I know it happens on occasion. I think I'm feeling a little better today, so I'm hoping to get a lot done today instead - especially since tomorrow will be a VERY intense day!

Ups And Downs

A day of mixed feelings, I think.

This morning I went to Malmö, to visit a friend of mine. We haven't seen each other since last summer, and it was wonderful meeting her, and her two young boys, again. I had never met the youngest boy, who is only about a month old (cute!!!) and it's been a long time since I saw the oldest boy too - so it was great meeting them again.

I had to be in Lund for a lecture at one, so the visit was cut a bit short - hopefully we'll be able to see each other soon again. I got to the railway station, only to find they had a problem with an electrical cable ... a biiiig problem.
Apparently no trains could go through Malmö Central station, and while I guess I can understand that these things happen on occasion, the information we were given were next to non-existent!
Basically they said that there was going to be a great amount of train delays .... they also said they would replace the trains with buses - but not a word about where these buses would depart from, or when!! I went around the entire Central station (which was rebuilt about three months ago) and I finally found the place where the buses would depart from - but it took almost an hour before any buses headed toward Lund arrived.
I finally got on one, and got to Lund, but arrived at the Department too late!! I knew I had missed the first part of the lecture, but had hoped to join the group during the break. No such luck as even the second half of the lecture had begun when I got there... very annoying!!

I spent some time at Uni and I got to talk to some friends while I was there, which in part made up for the whole train-mishap. I was about to go home at 4 p.m. - but since trains were having problems in Malmö, the same thing applied in Lund. I did get on a train, which was SOOO crowded - and late - and managed to get home ....

I haven't had much energy to do anything tonight, meaning I have quite a few challenges to face up to tomorrow and on Friday!
Which means, I really should try to get some sleep now ...

A Difficult Day

There are days
There are days when your life clouds over
and the world gets so dark
that all at once you can't tell night from day

There are times
When your heart cries this isn't happening
But the truth is cold and real
and I know the storm
won't go away
"Now that I've seen her", Miss Saigon

Yes, today has been a difficult day, as it has now been four months since I said my last good bye to Zorro.
I am trying to cope with my grief, but it's not easy. I honestly had no idea this would affect me as much as it has, while he was still alive I know I kept telling myself that he was old, if something happened to him - which it was bound to do sooner or later - I wouldn't hesitate because he'd had a good, and long life ... but now afterwards there are so many other emotions involved.

Even things that felt completely clear right after he passed away are now more difficult to handle. I know I felt I had made the right decision for everyone involved but now I'm starting to wonder. Maybe I should have discovered something sooner ... maybe he was in pain ... maybe I didn't take my responsibility 100%.

I find it difficult to express my feelings and I have realized, even more after Zorro passed away, how extremely different people feel and react to various things. I'm not only talking about grief now, even though that is what I'm dealing with now, but in basically everything everyone reacts differently. I think I have gained a deeper understanding of that, and also a respect for that variety - but it also leaves me feeling very much alone. As I tend to feel I don't understand how most people around me react and deal with things, I can't expect them to understand me either ...

I won't delve to deeply into all of this as it tends to be very abstract and not say much of anything. I have spent most of today thinking of my darling, of course, even though I took a short trip to Uni to attend the Hebrew lecture, which provided me with at least some distraction.

Last night I dreamed we were together,
Sharing all the love we've known;
Till I had to face the nightmare,
Of waking up alone.
"On the Inside" (Theme to 'Prisoner: Cell Block H')

A Strange Day

Today has been really strange, and I'm not sure what to think right now.
On a practical level, things have been fine, good, no worries - but despite that, I feel awful. Very frustrating! If there's a reason for me not feeling great, I know what to work on and I can hopefully find a way to feel better - but when I can't even realize what the problem is ... what can I do?

This morning I went to three New Testament lectures on the theme, "The Gospels as Biographies" - very interesting. While I'll always be more interested in the Old Testament, Bible studies overall is quite fascinating.
After lunch it was time for a Hebrew lecture which was quite interesting as well.

Still, some things didn't feel right, I was supposed to get certain things fixed and organized and that didn't happen, which of course will have consequences. It all feels like a mess and despite a fair bit of personal writing tonight I still haven't made much sense of this day. I'm getting too tired for it now, but since the construction workers get going at 7 a.m. I hope to sort a few things through tomorrow morning ...

I kind of have tomorrow "off" - there's a mentor meeting but this time it's Elisabet's turn to lead it on her own. I just might, if it is convenient, go to Lund for the lecture in the afternoon - as it will cover a group of verbs I tend to have a lot of difficulties with, when it comes to translating texts! I still haven't made up my mind yet, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow ... (which I know will be difficult for me, but at least then I know why ...)

Bit of Bad News ...

Can't say this weekend has been really great, unfortunately ...
Basically a bad incident on Friday spoiled most of it - and even though I know I shouldn't let things affect me too much, but sometimes I do find it difficult.

I was working on my laptop, sipping a drink (yup, I know, no eating or drinking near a computer ... *sigh*). The construction work was going on but since I've had my own lock installed again, I felt quite relaxed despite a lot of drilling and hammering ... until they dropped something HUGE outside my apartment! Don't ask me what it was but it sounded gigantic. I leaped in the air of course, knocking over my drink ... which poured all over my laptop! NOT GOOD!

I've been doing what I can to try to get it to dry, but so far no luck! The computer works, in itself - but none of the keys work ... making it impossible to work with it or even log in. I have been told to be patient, so I guess I should give it a few more days before giving up - but it's more than frustrated.
I did managed to bring life back into my old computer - and get it hooked up to the internet ... which took most of Saturday (*sigh*) - but it's slower than slow and nothing I can cope with other than as an emergency solution for a short time.

I guess I'll make up my mind about my laptop toward the middle of the week - but I'm already trying to check out the market for a new one, as I might simply have to buy a new computer. Not exactly something I was counting on, but not much to do about either - I need a working computer ...

Other than that, not much has been going on this weekend. I managed to get a whole lot of laundry done this afternoon, which felt quite good as I was running out of clothes to wear! :)

Next week will be pretty heavy for me, at least the first half of it, and I'm a bit nervous about it since the weekend hasn't provided a lot of calm reflection - so to speak. I guess I'll just have to work at it and hope for the best.

Tomorrow I will actually attend both New Testament and Old Testament lectures! :)
Tomorrow morning three lecturers applying for a job at the Department will each give a "trial-lecture", and I know one of them - he taught New Testament Greek when I took it in 2008 - and last spring I kind of sat in on his lectures on that course again, to freshen up my Greek skills! :) I went to similar lectures in Sociology of Religion in January and it's quite interesting!
Then there's the usual OT/Hebrew lesson in the afternoon, and I really enjoy those lectures as they are now covering stuff I'm not 100% sure of myself, so I'm learning a lot by attending them.

I have a big challenge to face on Tuesday, but I will try not to get to far ahead of myself - but I'm hoping for some time to deal with that tomorrow afternoon, I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of thinking in order for that to work out well.

Coping ...

Things have been working out fairly well this week, so far ... I can at least handle (sort of) the more basic parts of my life, even though the whole grieving process is difficult to tackle right now.

I'm trying to attend most of the Hebrew lectures now, as they are getting close to the end of the first part of the course. We had a mentor meeting yesterday, and while not many students showed up, I think the meeting in itself went pretty well.
Lectures after that and then a bit of interesting conversation at Uni ... I had planned to take a train home at about 4.45, but when I got to the railway station there was another train chaos going on. Apparently something had happened between Malmö and Lund, and whatever it was caused major difficulties - which meant that basically all of my trains were cancelled!! Thanks a lot! *rolling eyes* I ended up taking another, very late, train to Helsingborg (which is waaay off!) and from there I could take a bus home, but I didn't get home until around 7 p.m. - yawn!!

I've been to lectures today as well, which was interesting as usual. Today the students were taking a more active part than they usually do. Yesterday they were given an assignment, to prepare a minor speech about different things relating to Hebrew grammar, like a grammatical construction or a certain word grouping or something like that. They did a really good job and it was very interesting to listen to them!

When I got home I FINALLY had my old lock back in place again!!! When the whole renovation thing started they exchanged the locks so all the workmen could have access to the apartments. While I realize the necessity of it, I didn't like it - particularly since some of them didn't even announce themselves before barging in here ... Once or twice I'd come out of the bathroom to find several construction workers in the hallway ... *sigh*
But today they put my old lock back in, meaning no one can come in here unless I actually INVITE them in!! *YAY*

Since the construction workers are well and truly finished with my apartment now I'm hoping to be able to finish what I'm supposed to do here as well fairly soon. I still have some rearranging to do and then I have to make one last clean-up of everything, but then it should be okay!

Grief

This is a difficult entry for me, I have thought about writing it for a long time but I have also debated with myself whether I really should write it, or just let it be.
Obviously I have decided to write it now, but that doesn't make it any the less difficult.

I am still very much grieving for Zorro - and for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't. On March 15 it will have been four months since I said my last good bye to him and somehow I feel like it is expected of me to have, at least to a great extent, moved on now. That it is okay for me to miss him, but it's not really okay to feel grief - that painful sharp overwhelming grief - but I do still feel that.
I don't think I go through much more than an hour at a time, without thinking about Zorro, and it hurts, it hurts more than I can describe.

I personally think that I haven't had time to deal with this grief in the way that I need to. I did get about a month right after Zorro died, but during that time I felt it was enough just trying to survive. But since Christmas, I have had to push all thoughts and feelings aside, or else I was afraid I was going to break down completely.
I spent Christmas with my families, and naturally, Christmas is supposed to be a fun holiday, you can't let anything on in front of the kids etc. When I got back home I had to finish an exam in record time (on a course I was totally NOT interested in!), and on top of that deal with all the preparations for the renovations.
When I got my exam done it was basically time for me to move out, and for the next three weeks when I didn't live at home, I had my hands full trying to cope with everyday life.

And now that grief has caught up with me ... I am in so much pain over Zorro, and I can't help but feeling, I don't know, like there's something wrong with that. I don't feel like it's "okay", generally speaking, to be as upset as I am - meaning I'm trying to live my life like "everything is fine" - but it isn't. I'm constantly having minor breakdowns over this, and I still can't quite grasp the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without Zorro - without feeling him, without hearing him, without talking to him.

I didn't sleep at all last night, when I got in bed, suddenly all the events of November 15 came back, and it was like it happened yesterday. I was amazed at how extremely clear the memory of that day is, still. I remember every tiny little detail, from the telephone call in the morning to my arrival home, empty handed, to a large, empty, silent, dead apartment.

I know every single person handles grief in a different way, and I don't expect everyone to completely understand how I feel, because odds are, I won't completely understand how they are coping with grief. I still felt I wanted to share this, mostly because of this persistent feeling I have that it is somehow "not okay" to be grieving after so long time. But I have to say, I don't feel less grief now than I did in November and December. I can do things, let my life go on, but in many ways I did that back then as well. Granted, I spent a lot of time writing during the second half of November, I basically didn't do much else, except writing, but during December I did do things and "function", at least sort of. And I feel exactly the same way now.
I go to lectures and I read and I plan mentor meetings and I talk to people and I try to deal with the construction workers - but I am in constant pain while doing it - and like I wrote in the beginning ... not much more than an hour can pass, without me thinking about Zorro.

People tell me time heals, and somewhere deep inside I guess I know it does. I guess I just feel like it's expected of me to have healed more than I really have right now.

Visitors!

I used to be pretty good at keeping tabs on the visitors to this blog, but now I seem to have lost count in all the general confusion.
Not only did we pass the big 30,000 but we've also come a bit over 31,000 visitors now - thank you so much! I am amazed so many of you continue to check this blog even though I haven't been that great at updating it for a while ...

I'm hoping to get back to blogging the way I did when I started this blog, where I basically wrote an entry a day (sometimes more!) but I can't promise anything. It does depend a bit on how things turn out right now, as I feel like I've in many ways come to a cross-road of sorts now ... Hopefully things will turn out okay meaning I will be able to get a bit more structure and a bit less confusion in my life - and that will mean more blog entries! :)