I Did It - I Did It!

Today was 'the big day'!! My huge oral exam ...
I have written an entry in my Swedish blog - Att leva med social fobi already, so for those of you who read Swedish, you can check it out.

But what can I say about this day? It's been very long and very tiresome and really good, and not so good and fantastic and a bit sad and stressful and great and filled with anxiety. Yeah, that pretty much describes it ... and you don't have to tell me that I am confused, because I already know I am! *lol*

Everything today has turned out pretty much perfect - except one thing. Right now, I'm very emotional, so I have a bit hard letting go of this 'one thing', even though I know I should be on top of the world after this day. I'll try to make a short explanation! (I'm really tired, so I might come back and discuss this further later on)

I passed my course, which is the first news to give - YESSSSS!!! It feels wonderful to have passed and to be able to put this course behind me now!! Also, a lot surrounding the exam - and part of the exam itself worked out better than expected. I got to talk a lot to our teacher, which felt really good. I'm not in any way planning to be his best friend or anything, but any contact with any one within the Department is really great!! Also, I think I did cope with the whole examination-situation is a good way. I was feeling pretty awful, with rather high anxiety levels (about 7-7.5 on a 1-10-scale) for the entire time, which was about three hours, but I did go through with it, right? One thing there though ... which I don't feel good about. Aparently I was one single little question from getting VG (the high grade)!!! He asked me a question, and I recognized what he asked about, I knew the circumstances around it, but for the life of me, I could not produce the answer he wanted - I completely froze up!!! And he told me that's what made the difference, had I answered that question, I would have gotten VG ... and that kinda hurts actually!! I also feel that since it was an oral exam, couldn't he have asked me a few other questions? If I'd shown I knew them, maybe that would have been enough?!? But I guess not ... And that feels rough ... since this was such an extensive course, it feels like getting a VG would have meant a lot, and now knowing that it was because one question ... yeah, I guess you can imagine how that feels ....

I will try to put that behind me, and be happy about passing the course, and also be very happy about handling the situations the way I did, because I'm really satisfied with that ... and I'm also glad to have established this contact with the teacher!

So all in all, this was a good day - even though I suspect it will be a while before I can let go of that one particular question! :)
Now I'm completely enjoying staying up late and doing what I want, and knowing that I don't have to get up at 5 a.m. tomorrow!!!!!!!!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Deception Point, Dan Brown
Currently watching: The Felloship of the Ring, cast commentary
Currently listening to: Förlorad igen, Nicklas Strömstedt
My Plans for tomorrow: Relaxing, visiting a friend

Catching Up!

I really don't have time for this blog entry, but I don't feel like abandoning this blog entirely, so I guess I'll have to try to type fast! :)

I'm going through a lot in my life now, a lot of challenges socially as well as heavy studying, so fact of the matter is, I don't have time for much at all! At least I should loose some weight, because I can almost feel like I don't have time to eat ... and sleep is limited to a maxmimum of four-five hours per night ... *sigh*

I have faced at least two larger challenges this week, one was a seminar where we were discussing some book papers, and even though I normally can at least cope with that now, (even though I have anxiety and feel bad) this time I really felt I'd written a truly bad paper! When reading through the others, mine really wasn't good at all. Now I know I didn't put my soul into writing it, and from the beginning we were only supposed to hand it in, not discuss it - but it was really hard for me to go through it since I felt I had done such a poor job of it!
I did go, and it did work out - somehow (very strange, in fact) - and I'm really proud that I did it! Also, I think I've learned from this that no matter what, it's worth taking the extra time to hand in something you can really stand up for!!
The second challenge was a disucssion with a teacher about next semester (which starts on Monday) ... this was very hard for me, on a number of levels, but I managed to once again go through with it, deal with things and make them "work out" - another reason to be proud, I guess! ;)

Unfortunately I didn't get that much studying done yesterday afternoon, and I haven't gotten much done today either, even though I've been up for almost four hours! I think these two challenges have dried me of strength, as I feel very tired, but I still can't afford to relax! I have a HUUUUUGE exam tomorrow - at a weird hour, 6p.m. ... it's an oral exam for a very demanding teacher and the course covers one half on an entire semester!! I will try - try - try to study as hard as I possibly can, because it would be such a great relief if I could pass this course ...

Therefore my blog entries are a bit stressed now, I don't feel I have the time to write in the way I want, because time is always a factor! I will come back with more entries after the exam, about my life and my thoughts on the future!

To Swedish Readers:
Ville bara påminna er om att en ny viktblogg finns uppe nu: Ytterligare ett försök - version 2.0. Den är inte officiellt igångsatt än, jag kommer att starta upp den i nästa vecka, men jag skulle vilja ha tips och råd från er om hur ni vill att den ska se ut, vilket upplägg den ska ha ... kika gärna in och rösta och kommetera! Tack!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Lecture notes!!
Currently watching: Don't know ... I think it was Fellowship of the Ring ...
Currently listening to: Show and Tell (Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen)
My Plans for tomorrow: Study like crazy and an oral exam!

Broken Wrists ...

First of all, a clarification! When I'd written the title I realized how that sounds, so let me tell you, I have not fractured my wrists ... they are just ... well, broken! At least they sure feel broken ...

I've come up with this really efficient way of studying, which involves me constantly typing on my computer - thereby my broken wrists. I'm using a very small font, so I get quite lot in on single page, I started writing about 6 p.m. yesterday, have slept for four hours, and only taken minimal food-and-bathroom breaks ... and I've written 56 full pages .... **I want to pass this course!!**

So apologies for this short entry, but my hands really hurt right now! I had hoped to get it all done tonight, but I still have about 5 pages left I think ... and I want to start printing as soon as possible tomorrow (maybe around seven), and I'm supposed to get up, have my usual morning routine (which I won't give up for anything, so don't even try!!) and type at least five pages, I guess I'll have to get no later than five ... *yawn*

I really have lots of stuff to write about here now, as a lot is going on now, both my "practical" life and on an emtional level, but I'll have to see if I can find some time when I'm not completely stressed out, exahausted or experiencing severe pain ...

Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Teologins historia (Hägglund), Documents of the Christian Church (Bettenson), The Cambridge Companion to Christine Doctrine (Gunton) and a few more.
Currently watching: Hardly remember - probably Stargate SG-1
Currently listening to: Nothing!
My Plans for tomorrow: What do you think?!?!?!!? (studies + lecture/seminar)

Buried In Notes!

Definately a study-focused day today! I have gotten several advices regarding this upcoming exam, and they all say "study your notes, loose the books"! Aparently this teacher only asks questions on things raised at the lectures, and I'm happy to "only" have to go through my notes!
They are quite extensive though, and I also have all of Johannas notes, so I'm certainly keeping busy, that's for sure!

I don't think I've "wasted" much time today, but I still can't help being a bit frustrated about things taking so long time! I know what I want to do, what I need to do, in terms of studies, but everything seems to take soooo long ... guess I can forget about sleep until next Thursday! *yawn*

I realize there are lots of 'other' stuff I want to do, such as work on blogs and websites, start becoming active in Forums and Message Boards, making graphics and digi-scraps ... but I'm going to have to put off everything except studies and a few hours sleep (and possibly some food every now and again) until I've taken this exam!

Did start to look through the schedules for next semester, and if things go as planned, I will certainly keep busy even after this exam is done!! Still, more on that when I know it's definate - I have a meeting on Tuesday to see what will happen!

Did relax a while tonight, so I made a Stargate graphic, while talking to Annika on YIM ... seriously hoping my Stargate SG-1 box will arrive soon!! *fingers crossed* It does look like it will be the perfect birthday present for myself (because even if it should arrive before that, I won't be able to check it out until next weekend - and my birthday is the Monday after that)! :)





Well, back to my notes on Martin Luther! Wish me luck!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading:
Currently watching:
Currently listening to:
My Plans for tomorrow:

Survived Another Day!

Obviously, I did survive this day as well ...
I felt pretty bad all morning, so it was a massive session in my diary, that's for sure! It does do me the world of good, and I can certainly recommend writing as a therapeutic method for anyone who hasn't tried it!!

Before I go into what my life has been, I'd just like to say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE SISTER!

My youngest sister turns 1 year today!! Amazing how time flies ... and yet it doesn't! Weird feeling!! It doesn't seem long since I waited to hear from my Dad, wether or not we'd have a new family member and if it had been a boy or a girl ... and I remember getting the phonecall one year from today ... doesn't seem long ago at all. And at the same time I feel like I've had two little sisters for ages, it seems SO long ago M was my only sister! Strange thing, how we percieve time ....

I pushed my limits a bit, and didn't leave until I really needed to, which was around ten, and I managed to get some studying done on the train. When I got off, I heard a cry behind me, it was Sara and Johanna! It was great to see them, particularly Johanna, since I hadn't seen her for ages (long before Christmas!!)!
Sara and I went to lunch, while poor Johanna had to go to the Department to finish a paper! Sara and I had a great lunch, and I really feel greatful to ... well, I don't know to what, to 'life' maybe, taht I can experience something like that! Just "hanging out", nothing big, just spending quality time with someone you like and can easily talk to! I don't think I have been able to do that, in a relaxed way, since I went to senior high school or something ... I've always been filled with anxiety and mixed feelings before, feeling like I've had to be someone I'm not, feeling terrified about making a fool of myself, or appearing strange or weird. I know this might sound like nothing special, but I'd like to emphazise that I really do appreciate being able to do and enjoy something like that! Something that was far from possible only two years ago ... amazing!
Sara and I went back to the Department after our meal and had a coffee, and I got some good advice about my upcoming course and exam ... and all advice are greatly appreciated!!

I got about an hour's study at the library, before it was time for lectures ... but I was pretty tired so it was rather difficult to focus. We also handed out our papers ... *SIGH* It feels like mine is by far the worse, and more than that, but I'm trying to talk myself into letting it go now, and deal with it on Monday, when we'll have the seminar!!

I went straight home after lectures, and even though I had intended to get at least a few hours studying in, not much has happened there ... I will try to get at least something done now, though ... I'm not very tired, so I guess I can try to study effectivly for a while now, and treat myself to sleeping "late" tomorrow instead, right?! :)

I'm also trying to get started on my blogs ... can't guarantee a great number of updates there, but I will at least try to start up with them again! So far two updated (both Swedish):

• Att leva med social fobi
• Ytterligare ett försök - version 2.0 (min nya viktblogg!)

[Ja, jag ska försöka starta upp en ny viktblogg, som jag hoppas fungerar bättre än den förra!! Titta gärna in där också!! ;)]

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Angels and Demons, Dan Brown
Currently watching: The Simpsons
Currently listening to: One Day More, Les Miserables Complete Symphonic Recording
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, running errands

Better ... For A While!

I did have a better day today, then yesterday. My mood has been better, and I have at least gotten some stuff done!
Also, a few "problems" seems to have sorted themselves out during the day ... I still can't really start putting things behind me, which is annoying, but at least I can start planning for them ... and I guess that's something, right!
I know that the whole spring will be very intense, with not much quiet time at all, but right now I find it difficult to cope until the reminder of the fall semester is done! There are SO many things that have to turn out in a particular way, and I just hate waiting around for it ... I guess time passes by and sooner or later I'm through these days and weeks as well, but at the moment I'm mostly stressing and feeling very frustrated.

Unfortunately, my mood had a down-turn tonight! I was suposed to print a paper to hand in tomorrow, about a book we've read on the course. We're supposed to make copies for everyone in class and have a discussion about it on Monday ... a few people had already turned their paper in, and when I read theirs, my mood dropped completely! I'm in total despair right now, their papers are really well-written with deep thoughts and connections I couldn't have dreamed of!!!! Right now my paper feels like something that belong in pre-school, and I don't even want to print it ... and certainly not hand it out to everyone tomorrow!!
I can't re-write it either, becuase I'd have to read the whole book over again - 200 pages in English - and I simply don't have the time ... but all of a sudden this has become a huge deal for me!

I know I'm not "stupid", I wouldn't cope with Uni studies the way I have if I were stupid, but I also know that I easily get anxiety and become very stresed out, particularly in situations like group discussions, or oral exams. And then things just lock up, and I freeze, and I feel like an idiot!! Stuff that I would usually understand or be able to respond to, will then sound like a foreign language, I can't say a thing, and I feel ... really stupid!!!
It's happened to me a couple of times since I came back from sick-leave and I REALLY HATE IT!!! So as you can imagine, my mood tonight is not great at all! I'm still considering solving this thing tomorrow - work it out (finding alternate thoughts and find methods to reduce these "bad" thoughts and all my anxiety - and I got some great advice tonight, thanks *winks*) by writing in my diary! The only problem is I have to leave fairly early!
We don't have lectures until 1, but I'm meeting Sara at 11, and they're doing some plumbing work in my apartment building so I won't have any water from around 8 a.m. tomorrow (possibly the electricity will be out too) ... so the question is wether I can work this whole thing out - and print 15 copies of my stinking paper - tomorrow morning before say ... .7.30 ....
*deep sigh*

I think I'm gonna have to though, because right now I just feel terrible, and I know from experience, I don't solve problems very well when I feel like this .... I just wish the next few weeks would be over and done with ....

Finishing off with a slightly mroe positive note ... at least I'm trying, right!? I got a message from USPS today, regarding my Stargate SG-1 box ... where it said "Your item has been shipped from the United States, O'Hare Airport, Chicago at 4.06 p.m. on January 9, 2008 ! Woo-hoo!!! Looks like it's on it's way at least .... *yay*
Swedish TV6 are airing the show now, they started re-runs before Christmas and are about half-way through season 2, and I can't take my eyes off it!!! Definately my favourite show at the moment - I can't wait to get the entire box set!!!!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Angels and Demons, Dan Brown
Currently watching: Läckberg & Rudberg
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, meeting Sara, lectures

Riding On A Roller Coaster!

Today has been a very up-and-down day, both practically and emotionally - so it really feels like I've been on a roller coaster all day!
Unfortunately, most of the day has gone down, so I'm not in a great mood tonight! I feel like I'm trapped in some messy world where all I have to do is untangle constant problems, but no matter what I do, I never solve anything! I know things aren't supposed to be easy, but I was kind of hoping to be able to address one problem, solve it and leave it behind me, to deal with the next one. But now it seems like everything is connected, and the more I try to do what I think is right, the messier things get! *sigh*

This whole semester will be very tough for me, because I think I will take double courses, meaning I'll be studying 200% (well, not really, but it's a bit complicated to explain), but at least when all that is underway, I'll know what is expected of me! Now, until about 20 January, things are just messy, and I don't know what to do, or how, to make it work out right ... which is very frustrating, especially since two courses grades are depending on me working things out! *gulp*

Sorry I don't have a more upbeat note tonight, but I'm really struggling at trying to work things out - and at the same time preferably study about 18 hours a day *sigh* - and it's very frustrating when I feel I can't.

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
Currently watching: The Simpsons
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies ... what else?

Solve One Thing - Get Five New Ones!

The title pretty much describes my current situation! I'm very happy to be home, in my regular life and all that it means, but fact of the matter is: everything's a great big mess!!! And when I try to sort one thing out, I instantly get five or ten new ones!!

Almost everything right now is centered around Uni, as I have two courses I shall finish and two more (I think?) I shall start, and nobody knows anything about anything! I have set a date for a disucssion with one teacher, for next Tuesday, so I'm trying not to think too much about that, or what implications that meeting will have, until Monday night, but there are still a lot of other uncertainties - along with an enormous amount of work to be done if I'm going to have a least a fighting chance to pass these courses.
I had hoped that one thing would have been cleared up today, but unfortunately it was put off until Monday! *sigh* I missed a discussion of a paper we wrote before Christmas, and I was led to believe we would discuss my paper today! I normally do not like that at all, but I had try to mentally prepare for it today, and figured I could cope, if not well. Then it turned out that there were three of us who had missed the discussion and we would have that, along with a discussion of another paper on Monday instead! I had hoped to put this whole discussion-thing behind me, but I guess not ...

Today I can't complain about my efficiancy level though, that's for sure. I got up at 5 a.m. and I usually spend between one and two hours writing in my diary every morning. I was up and running with studies at about 6.30 this morning, copying a lot of lecture notes from Johanna and also writing a paper on one of the books we're reading now.
At ten I took the train to Uni, where I met Sara!!! Soooo great to see her again - I've missed my friends a lot when I've been gone!! We studied together at the Department for a few hours, but sadly I found out that Johanna was at home, ill!! (*get better soon!!*)
We had lectures at 1, and while some things got a bit clearer than before, not everything worked out. I had hoped to set a date for the horrible oral exam we're supposed to have, but everybody more or less jumped our teacher, and I didn't have the energy to "fight for myself", so I'm gonna have to talk to him tomorrow! I had hoped to get it next Friday, but it seems everybody wants it then, so I guess I'll have to hope for Thursday afternoon instead ...

I had a splitting headache when I came home, despite dinner, headache pills and lots of coffee. It was a few hours during the afternoon when not much got done, but tonight I have at least studied for about 1½-2 hours, so I guess that's something, right?!

I am constantly stressing now, which is very tough, but I still do have a deep sense that what I'm doing is right! I am supposed to do this, this is my life, this is my aim in life, this is what is ME ... even though it's hard and I'm tired and I get anxiety attacks ... it's still MY LIFE - and, I think for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I don't really feel like exchanging it for anybody else's life ... that's a pretty powerful feeling actually ....

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Da Vanci Code, Dan Brown
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 2
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, lectures

A Messy Start!

Today ended up being quite a mess! I had a number of errands to do, and I had figured out pretty much how I was going to get everything done. Naturally, nothing ended up according to my plan, so it feels like I've been going across town 20 times today - well almost anyway!
I think I finally got everything done, although it probably took a lot longer than it should have! But I have managed to make several bank errands, check out a number of books from the library, buy one book, meet Sara at the Department - I have sooo missed my friends during the holidays!! - fix dinner and finish one of the books for one of the courses I'm taking now ... *phew* As usual I should have done more, but right now I'm completely exhaused, so I'm gonna have to make it an early morning tomorrow instead!

Unfortunately all this running around in stormy freezing weather, with some icy rain/snow falling, has probably caused my cold to come back, because I'm actually feeling feverish tonight! *sigh* I so totally do NOT have time to get sick now!!!!!

Some stuff at Uni has been resolved today, and I'm hoping to get even more questions cleared up tomorrow, when we have the first lecture ... as most things are just left hanging now! I wish they could come up with the schedules for the spring semester (it starts in two weeks), so I could see what that will be like, but no such luck, unfortunately!





I Did It Again!
Yes, I've done it again! I managed to get enough money, so I bought the huge Stargate SG-1 Box Set ... again!!! I sure hope nothing will go wrong this time, but the eBay seller had 737 positive feedbacks, and no negative or neutrals, and she'd been a member since 1999 ... I don't think it can get much better than that ... *fingers crossed* I REALLY want it to work out this time ... but she seemed totally friendly when I emailed her, she's shipping with UPS, so I've gotten the tracking number ... so so far things are looking good!!

I'm soooo tired, and if I'm going to try to get up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, I should try to get some sleep now!
Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
Currently watching: The Simpsons
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES, lectures

Not The Fresh Start I Was Hoping For!

I had hoped to get a really good day today, in order to get a "fresh start 2008", but unfortunately, it didn't quite turn out that way!
I have been very tired all day, I don't really know why, but I'm guessing it comes from finally being back home where things are normal ... I didn't get much sleep during the holidays (if one of the girls slept, the other usually screamed - well, almost anyway!) and I was almost contantly tense and had problems relaxing, so I think all that is catching up with me!
But no matter how tired I am, everything will jump-start on me tomorrow morning, so I really wished I could have had a better day today!
I have started studying, but haven't gotten that much done, and I have been in a bad mood all day - very annoying!

I really do want to change things now, so I truly hope this was only a temporary set-back! I normally have a hard time adapting to a busy schedule, but right now I actually think I'll feel better once things have really started, and I know what's expected of me! When lectures start, I get the books I need from the library, I know what I'm supposed to concentrate on etc, I'm hoping I will be more efficiant and productive ...

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 1
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Errands, Uni, Studies