Wind of Change!

When I was about 13 or 14 I really liked the song "Wind of Change" by Scorpions - and I really feel the title is appropriate in my life right now.



As you might have understood, I haven't been feeling so great lately - to be frank, things haven't worked out well in quite a long time, if you look at the big picture.
And, as usual in this life, everything tends to happen at once. I apologize for this vague entry, but what is going on in my life now is very, very personal, and I haven't figured it all out myself yet, so I don't feel up to pouring it all out in a public blog just now ...
Basically, a lot of stuff has hit me in the head like the famous 'ton of bricks' and at the moment, I'm trying to deal with the entire 'ton', not allowing it to crash me, learning something from it, while not forsaking all the practical aspects of my life. Quite a task actually.

What I have brutally come to realize (that ton of bricks is quite a wake-up call!) is that I have to change a lot of things in my life, and I mean a lot! Also, I have to go back to a basic level, and - more or less - change ME! There are a lot of personal features that I have developed and/or nurtured for a long long time that I have come to realize need to change, and change now!
I don't mean to sound overly dramatic - I don't quite like the whole drama-queen-thing - but there are some major changes going on in my life right now ... and that can sometimes be difficult to handle.

I am highly motivated to go through with these changes, I know they are good and, to be frank, quite necessary if my life is going to function in a decent way, but I also know there will be setbacks and none of these changes come easy.

I hope I can keep this blog alive even though it might not be very specific regarding these things, as they are deeply personal. But this blog has been a part of my life for some very eventful four years, and I would of course like to try and keep it that way!

This is a quick - and vague, I know - update to what my life circles around right now. Hopefully I will be back with other entries, both regarding this kinda deep subject, but also about other things that go on in my life.

I'm sharing some photos from my last photo walk as well! I had hoped to reach the ocean to catch the sunset - but the sun sets SO quickly this time of year, I think I missed it with like two minutes!! Still, the photos turned out okay, I think.

Drowning!?

First of all, I took these totally cool photos of the sun outside my living room window (I just love my zoom lens!!)! I have to say that I'm fascinated by the colours and contrasts of the photos - what do you think?





Moving on to not-so-pleasant matters. I have been going through some tough days now, and even though I know they appear every now and then, they're not so nice to deal with.
I'm very worried about lots of things in my life right now, and none of them are really going to be solved any time soon - meaning of course I just keep thinking and wondering and not being able to do a lot about it.
I have "sort of" let one thing go now, but I have a hard time letting difficult things go, even though I know I should be focusing on other matters.

I realize this is very vague, but I find it difficult to articulate how I feel about what to myself, and I definitely don't want to do it in a public blog - but there are a lot of things that have been accumulating for a while and I really do feel like I'm drowning!
I guess all I can do is try to calm down and see what I can do and try to focus on that. As usual, it's easier said than done though...

I had a meeting with my professor yesterday, about my master's thesis - the meeting started well, but ended up feeling worse and worse. Nothing against him, he's really fantastic and he tries to help me as best he can - but I really do feel awful and that makes it really hard for me to focus and get something out of a tutoring meeting like that. But it's a shame, because I don't see him very often and I will have to get a lot of things done until our next meeting. Ah well, yet another thing that shouldn't occupy my mind, I guess, since it's already happened ...
We did have a nice moment just as I arrived. He was in the teacher's lounge (which is sort of next to his office) and called out to me when he saw I came. Apparently he'd seen the lists of applicants for next semester's courses - and since we're in the middle of changing everything (yes still, our education system - in our Department - has been more or less constantly changing since 2007) it was a huge confusion and mix-up regarding the courses. After confronting and challenging a former student counsellor and a secretary we finally realized that there are 26 applicants for the Hebrew course - which is GREAT! :)

I'm working really hard at making a "come-back" now, mostly because I know I HAVE to make things work. I have a strong feeling that by the time we reach March, I will have gone to Hell and back, possibly more than once! But I simply have to make it work, there are no other options at this time, so I really hope I can pull my act together and MAKE it work - even if it doesn't work perfectly!

Finishing off with a recent photo of my darling! :)

Lots To Deal With

Today has mostly been a strange day, not quite sure what to say about it actually.
I ended up deciding not to go to Uni, for some reason or other, being at the Department hasn't really been working for me this semester. Well, I'm starting to think it's going to have to work from now on - because today they started the major renovation-project (bathroom and most of the kitchen) in the house next to mine. Meaning almost constant concrete drilling ... let's just say that does not constitute the ultimate study environment!! *sigh*

I'm often feeling extremely tired, I have been for most of the semester, and that is not something I'm really comfortable with - especially not since I'm going to have to put my studies in overdrive starting NOW! I will try to get better at eating vitamins, and also eating a bit better than I have been doing - but at least I'm exercising every day now ... that should count for something, right? :)

I'm facing a couple of new challenges now though, that I'm starting to get anxious about. One will be dealing with a straight up "old-fashioned" anxiety attack tomorrow morning (or possibly two, depending on what happens!!), so I'm going to have to try to prepare for that. I will also have to take on another kind of challenge during the weekend.
I think I'm right in acknowledging the fact that I do feel anxious, and trying to deal with it - instead of just postponing things, telling myself I'll probably feel better about them later on ... but that doesn't make me feel much better right now! Still, I think I actually will feel better when I start to see that things are actually getting done, that I'm conquering my challenges and actually dealing with them - at least I hope so!!

With that being said, I'm going to try to take a while and write in my diary tonight! I usually find it difficult to do so in the evenings now, I usually want to write in the morning. And while I cannot neglect my morning-diary-routine, I can't write everything in the mornings, because then I won't get any sleep at all. So hopefully I can get through some things tonight, and deal with the rest, and the more immediate preparations tomorrow morning.

Ups And Downs!

This week has certainly had its ups and downs ...
Monday was a really terrible day! Don't know why really, it just ended up being really totally bad. I think I kept trying to sort it out - and trying and trying, but it just wouldn't work out no matter what.

Yesterday was a lot better. I went to Uni pretty early and felt like I got at least a fair bit of work done, which was nice. I also met Maria, which was ages ago, so it was nice catching up with her as well.
We went to a seminar together, where Ola Wikander (who has the first half of the Hebrew/Old Testament course, where I've been mentor) presented parts of his dissertation. I will be presenting my master's thesis in this seminar at the end of February, and it's really nice and very educating to be there - but kinda scary as well! :) While everyone is friendly enough, I can't say that I look forward to presenting my own work there, that's for sure.
And, in line with my thinking from the previous post, I have to admit I do have fairly high anxiety levels. I mean, they're nothing compared to what I felt back in 2002-2003, but they are relatively high compared to how I usually feel now. This does take its toll later on, as there is a recovery process involved after having experienced anxiety - so I felt more dead than alive last night and my plans of cleaning and studying basically fell flat.

Today was not great ... I slept really poorly and overall the night was just ... strange. Meaning I ended up with a really bad headache and basically slept between 6 and 10 a.m. Uni was out of the question but I got a pretty abrupt awakening as it seemed like one of my email addresses had been hacked into!! It's not one of my active addresses - thanks for that at least - but it still feels awful! I managed to go in and verify the account and verify the email address and change the password - and send an apologetic email to everyone in my contact list - and hopefully that will be the end of it.
The headache stayed for most of the day and even though I haven't been in pain during the late afternoon and evening, I have been very sluggish and haven't gotten much done at all.
I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow ...

Finishing off with a digi.scrap of my sisters! :) Enjoy!

Thinking AND Doing!

I do feel like I've been able to both think AND do this weekend, even though I always tend to stress out and feel like I should have done more ...
I've been going through most of a commentary I'll be using for my upcoming paper, and I'm almost done with the translations I've been doing! Also cleaned most of my apartment and sorted through some stuff.

Generally though, I feel really tired! Not sure what's up with that - even though I guess a simple answer would be the fact that I really don't sleep well at night. I think I've just gotten used to my strange "night routine" (although it's not really a routine as it varies from night to night) that I don't even think about it being not-too-good - but I think that could explain why I always feel exhausted no matter what.
Not sure how to change it either unfortunately ...

My most recent thinking process has landed me with a bit of a new idea though! It started a couple of days ago but the more I think about it the more I think it is relevant.
Fact is, I'm doing SO much better now, in general terms, than I did some 3-4-5 years ago, it's almost hard to imagine what my life was like then. Unfortunately I have noticed though, that while I'm doing so much better, socially and with my anxiety, my life hasn't really been "working out well" lately anyway. And I actually think I may have found the explanations and reasons for that.
People living with anxiety problems will recognize this, I think, because when you're dealing with anxiety you're going through Hell. Not all, but some anxieties are also irrational - like mine were. Extreme fear of meeting people or talking to people is definitely irrational, and knowing that your fears are irrational makes them very difficult to deal with, because you have to deal with both the anxiety in itself as well as the knowledge that your fears are just "silly" and "not real". When you get out of that anxiety, it's like a drug!! When you realize you can live your life and do things and go places and talk to people and "it's okay", you don't feel terrified and have to muster all your strength to do it - it's fantastic, a feeling beyond description!
And believe me, because I've gone through that in recent years!!

The problem is, like with most drugs, that it's addictive!! Once you've been able to feel this way, you never want to let it go!
For me, that has meant actually not admitting or acknowledging that there are still things in my life I feel anxious about and get anxiety attacks over. Well, really huge things (like essay seminars!!) are not included in this - but smaller things. I think I try to oppress these things, for two reasons!! One is this "drug-effect", I DO NOT under any circumstances want to feel anxiety ever again, so if I pretend that these situations either don't exist at all, or that "they're not so bad", then I won't get an anxiety attack. The other reason is the fact that since I'm doing so well, it seems like there's a universal truth - for me as well as for others - that I don't have anxiety attacks any more.

The consequences of this for me has been that I tend to postpone or outright ignore things and situations that will cause anxiety!! It has not been uncommon for me to tell myself that things "aren't so bad" or that I can't let this-and-that take on such enormous proportions - all to avoid the anxiety. But when it comes to the crunch and there's no turning back, I have been completely overwhelmed and more times than not, I have not been able to go through with whatever it is.

I'm not saying that this is the ultimate solution to all my problems - but I think it does play a big part it in.
Soooo, now I'm trying really hard to allow myself to have anxiety attacks. I have beaten anxiety before, I still have the methods and means and motivation to cope - but I can't ignore the fact that it's there. Instead I have to acknowledge the anxiety and work through it, instead of avoiding it!
I have postponed a lot of things during the last year or so, some things have gotten more severe consequences than others, and I think basically that when I've felt uncomfortable with a situation, or felt that things didn't work out smoothly, I've felt like: "Well, I'll feel better about this tomorrow, or next week, I'll get on it then." Problem is, this is anxiety related and it will never feel better, unless I work with the anxiety - which of course I haven't!

Like I said, I'm not saying everything will work out perfectly from now on, but I do think I will be able to cope with my life better having thought of this. If I allow myself to feel bad and have anxiety I can work with that and still cope and get things done - instead of telling myself that I'll feel great just so long as I don't have anxiety! Sure it's great not to have anxiety, but if it means the rest of your life is going down the drain ... what's the point?

Wow, I really didn't think this would be such a "deep" entry - but it feels kind of good to have articulated this, not only in my personal diary but more openly as well.
I've gone back and read a little in this blog from when it started, during the fall of 2006 - and I was way more open with how I felt and dealt with different things then than I have been lately ... maybe I should go back to being a bit more open ....

Anyway - here's hoping these new thoughts will help me make next week work out in an acceptable way! :)

Time For a Change!

Well, as I hinted in my last entry, I felt it was time for a bit of a change with this blog - it's basically looked the same since 2006! And while I was happy with that layout, it's nice to make a change as well, isn't it?

As you can see, the basic colour scheme of the blog is pretty much the same, I've modified a Blogger template to fit with my choice of colours - but I like the borders you get here, and the background is quite nice too!
Just one thing I don't like ... :) I'd like the title to be centred just like the text and logo below, but apparently to do that you have to manually change the html code in the template and let's just say that was way to technical for me! *lol* Guess it works this way as well! :)

I hope you like these changes to the blog (otherwise I have the old template saved as well, so I can always change it back!)!!

After this little computer break, it's high time for me to get back to cleaning my apartment!

Theory and Practicality - and a Musical!

This week has mostly centred around the terms theory and practicality for me. I think I am more of a theory-person than a practical person - it's important for me to think things through, to figure out why I react the way I do, things like cause-and-effect, the correlation between various things in my life. I write a lot, and have done since 2004 - so the theoretical side of my life is quite important to me.
I am however quickly realizing that life is far from all theory! Theory is great, but the question is how useful it is if you can't put theory into practicality! If you can't make practical use of your theories, then what's the point?
So basically what I'm working on now is actually putting all my thoughts and theories into use, making them work for me and moving them from my mind and from a piece of paper into the real world. Not always an easy thing to do, but I think it's worth putting an effort into!

Apart from studying - which is a constant factor in my life even though I don't spend much time at Uni these days - I have managed to get some practical stuff done now, and it's good to have got those out of the way.
One thing has been this HUGE renovation which will take place in January-February next year. I dread it SO much (long story), but at least I now have done all the practical stuff involved, chosen the look of the bathroom, placed the official order (they will also wallpaper my hallway, as they indicated they will probably do so much damage to it, I might as well get new wallpapers while they're at it) and stuff like that. What's left there is basically how I'm going to handle it, as I won't be able to live in my apartment for about 3 weeks ... but I'm trying not to panic about that just yet ...
I also managed to sort out some banking errands that I've been putting off for a while, so it feels good to have done that now - hopefully things will work out from now on!

The bit of really good news then ... :) I found out that one of my favourite Swedish musical artists, Christer Nerfont, will sing Jekyll & Hyde in two shows - in my home town!!!!! We have a rather small theatre here, but never get any of the "good stuff" *lol* - that's usually put up in Malmö! It is the Malmö Opera doing this as well, but it's so cool they will do two shows here! :) I booked myself a ticket for November 27 yesterday and I'm totally looking forward to it. I was sad I never got to see Jekyll & Hyde when it ran in Stockholm, so seeing it now will be great, especially with Christer!! (He sang one of the songs, I think it was "Dangerous Game", on a Musical Highlights concert I saw a few years ago, and I was really impressed!!)

Finishing off with some photos from last Saturday - of two big girls and a great looking brand new car! :)




(Also thinking a bit about changing the layout of this blog a little bit, it's basically looked the same since 2006!! Not quite sure yet though - and it won't be that big of a change if I decide to do it!)

26,000!!!

Yay for reaching 26,000 visitors!! :)
I actually noted it yesterday, but that post was long enough, without including this little celebration as well! :)

Today hasn't been a great day, although it hasn't been all bad either. For some reason I'm really tired now, like constantly exhausted - and let's just say I don't quite have time to be tired right now! Still, I think I could sleep 20 hours a day if I had the chance!
I'm trying to get started with regular exercise (which is easier said than done since I probably haven't done any exercising since I was about 12 years old or something *horrible, I know!!!*) and I'm also trying to eat a bit better and take more vitamins ... hopefully that will make me feel a bit better - and who knows, I might even loose some weight in the process! :)

I had planned to go to Uni today, but I simply couldn't bring myself to get going ... so I stayed home. I've been working on some translating (working on Exodus texts now, mostly, if anyone happens to be interested), and I hope I can finish that tomorrow and move on to commentary literature.
Tomorrow will basically be a full day at Uni! I probably won't leave extremely early (especially since I don't sleep very well right now) but I have a seminar at 1 p.m. so I won't be home until at least 4-4.30 ... and my aim is to get some work done during the morning as well.

Oh yeah, and I do have photos from Saturday in Gothenburg, but I haven't had time to transfer them to my computer yet, so you'll have to wait a little for them!

Intense Day!

Yesterday was quite long and intense - but really good! :)
I went to Gothenburg to meet with my Dad and his family - they have actually bought a new car (brand new, 2010 year model!!) by phone (*lol*) and had to pick it up there!

I left home at 5.45 a.m. - YAWN!! Went by bus first, then had to wait about half an hour for another bus, heading for Gothenburg. The trip went well, I managed to get about an hour of sleep and a bit more than that of studying! :)
We arrived a little early in Gothenburg, but I only had to wait about 10 minutes before the train arrived and I met my Dad and his family!! The girls had really grown a lot, even though it's "only" been about 2½ months since I saw them last. M had lots to show me, things she had done in school, and I talked basically non-stop, despite the fact that she had a pretty severe cold.

We had to wait for about 20 minutes, but then the car salesman actually came in a great big car (Dodge) to pick us all up, since the car store was a bit outside of town. It was cool riding in such a big car, that easily fitted three adults and two kids, in children's seats! :)
Once we got there we checked out the new car first, of course - and it really looks amazing! Naturally there were lots of questions to be answered, papers to sign etc. so I took the kids while my Dad and C got that sorted out - and then we could leave with the car.

I was quite nervous, it being SO new, but it was lovely to ride in it, and according to my Dad, it was really nice to drive as well! :) We'd gotten a road description to a place to eat, so we went straight for lunch as none of us had eaten since very early that morning.
It was quite a nice place and we had a pleasant meal together, but unfortunately I wasn't feeling great (she was on medication the entire day). The girls got to play a little in a nearby playing ground before we headed back toward the city.
They dropped me off pretty close to the central station (my Dad didn't want to drive in the middle of everything, so we picked a spot we both new), and then they headed north.

I took a walk to the central station, but realized I had nearly 3 hours until my bus left, and I was in NO mood to wait around for 3 whole hours!!
I tried checking out other buses (even though I already had a ticket for the later bus, I figured it was worth it, if I could get a decent-prized ticket earlier), but had no luck. Decided to check out the trains as well, even though I figured they'd be more expensive. I got lucky though and found a really cheap train ticket, for a train that left at 3.30!! I had one change, but was still home about 6.45, which felt great!

I didn't sleep well tonight though, so I've been really sluggish all day today, and haven't gotten much done at all. I took a walk in the afternoon, thinking that would make me feel better, and while it was a great walk, I made some mistakes with some buses and it ended up taking much longer than I thought it would - and I ended up being even more tired.

I really need to start giving 100% and more from tomorrow, as things are starting to be really stressful right now! I am however, quite worried about it, since my energy levels are SO low right now! I think I could easily sleep 18 hours a day ... not good! And while I can sit and stare at books 24/7 - if I'm so tired I don't even see the letters, what's the point?

Ah well, I guess all I can do is give it my all and hope for the best, right?! :)

My Secret Garden!

While I have never seen the musical "The Secret Garden" I have two different recordings of it, and I enjoy it a lot! And now it seems I've almost found my own secret garden - which actually happens to be the cemetery!!
I live next to quite a large cemetery, but I've never really gone in there, apart from taking a short cut through it when I've been late for the bus (*oops!*) ... but I've had a feeling it is quite beautiful.

Well, yesterday and today I decided to take my camera and go for a walk. Things haven't really been going great here lately, and photowalks are a great therapy - at least they work well for me! :) And I really did find a hidden treasure!
The cemetery is almost completely asymmetrical, which I really like! Different parts of it look different, it's not uniformed at all, and it's just beautiful! I have found my favourite corner, which is truly a secret garden. Not that few really large trees, making the sun only shine through the leaves a little, lots of great, high hedges, and small paths and passageways going here and there ... it's just amazing!!

I walked there yesterday around lunch time, and today fairly early in the morning. We had a lot of mist this morning, but just as I got out it started to clear up and the sun came out - the lighting in these huge fur trees and over open newly mowed lawns was stunning!!
I took a number of photos and even though I'm quite happy with most of them, I still can't help feeling they didn't do the scenery justice!
I will definitely enjoy more walks there in the future!

Some photos from yesterday:





And from this morning: