Difficult Times

I've been going through a few difficult days now, which is why I haven't been blogging. I'm trying to make a lot of changes in my life, and they are not easy to make. I'm learning some hard truths about myself, and that isn't always easy either. Therefore I am struggling a lot with myself and my attitude to a lot of things in my life now and that is taking a lot of energy.
I know this is the right thing to do right now, I am at a time and place in my life where I need to make these changes, and I also think I am mature enough and have come far enough to actually make them - but like I said earlier, they don't come easy, that's for sure.

I'm trying to maintain my normal life at the same time, meaning I am often very tired and bordering on exhausted, and I just hope I can see this through. I know that all of this will be put on pause when I go back to the summerhouse, because when I'm there and when I'm spending time with my families, I simply cannot work with myself the way I can when I'm at home. Therefore I'm also hoping to come as far as possible now, before going back there - but I still don't know when that will be.
My Dad and his family will come here for a few days first, sort of a mini-vacation, and then we'll all go back together, but they haven't decided on when they're going to come here yet - they have a lot on their plate and there's also the weather to consider - we can't be cooped up in my little apartment, all five of us, if it constantly rains ...

I'm hoping to be able to do a bit more of blogging before going back to the summerhouse, but a lot depends on how I'm feeling.

Sad Day ...

5 July 1997 ~ 5 July 2011
This would have been Zorro's 14th birthday.

My thoughts have been with Zorro all day today, and I still feel very sad and very upset that I've lost him. I know it was a long time ago, and I know that I'm coping with my life, but as soon as I allow myself to think about him, I get all torn up inside. I still, after all this time, can't grasp the fact that I'll never ever see him again, that I'll never be able to touch him, to hold him, to hear him ...

I figured, before this happened, that I'd be devastated once I had to get used to life without Zorro - after all, I did have time to "get used to" the idea, as Zorro was quite old when he died. But not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how difficult it would be!!
I don't think it took me very long to realize and accept Zorro's death - but I still haven't been able to realize and accept my life without him ... there is actually a great difference between the two ...

As I was going through my digital photos today, I was sad to see there are hardly any photos of me and Zorro together! :( I know my Mum took some photos about 7 years ago, but that was before I had a digital camera so I don't have those pictures in the computer ... apart from that there are very few photos actually ... and most of the ones I have are pictures of me and Zorro with my Dad and his family, where all of us are standing together - so I basically have to crop the photos a lot to get just me and Zorro! :(
I'll share pretty much all of these photos I have (I think there might be one or two more, but I'm not sure ...).

The Flying Doctors

Those of you who have know me quite a long time know that some ten to fifteen years ago I was totally, and I mean TOTALLY, into the Australian TV show "The Flying Doctors". For a number of years I ran a fairly successful website about the show, and I even met one of the actors, Christopher Stollery in 2001!
As time went by, my interest sort of cooled off a little. I still think it's an amazing TV show, but I'm quite as hooked on it as I was back then.

When I received the Honorary Diploma for extraordinary achievements within SI my Mum decided to give me the entire Flying Doctors DVD Set, containing all 9 seasons!!!! Such an amazing gift!!!!!
I've watched the first two seasons so far, and I'm quickly realizing why I was so taken by this show earlier! I'm actually even thinking of bringing my old website back to life again, although that will be a long term project, and I'm not giving any guarantees at all!!

Big Girls!

Not having seen my little sisters since early February it was quite a surprise to see how grown up they are ... time sure flies by fast!!

M is almost 7 years old now, it's hard to realize! I still remember getting to hold her in the hospital when she was 27 hours old!! Incredible!
She's gone to "school" for a year now (I think it's something in between the "real" school and pre-school that Swedish 6-year-olds can attend, and I think that has made her grow up a lot. The way she moves and talks is quite different and she is really intelligent! She reads children's books fluently now, and it's not uncommon that she crawls up in a bed or a couch and reads to her little sister - so adorable! :)

I is 4½ years old now, and that's also hard to take in. She's been the "baby" for so long, I am constantly amazed by the fact that she is a very bright and beautiful little girl now! She looks up to her little sister a lot and she's starting to read as well now! Now very long words and still only upper case letters, but I still think that's pretty impressive for a 4½-year-old!! Also, if you give her a word, say up to six or seven letters long, she can spell it out for you!

They really play well together now, which is lovely to see. Of course, they don't always get a long and sometimes they argue quite a lot, but for the most time they are best friends and stick together - and with them playing so well together it takes some of the pressure off me! :) They still very much want me to be with them, but they accept that I sometimes have to do other things as they can always play with each other!

Some photos of the "Big Girls"! :)

Back Home Again!

After about two weeks in the summerhouse, I'm back home for a few weeks now - then I'm going back again! :-)

It's been intense times, so I'm fairly tired now, today has been a very slack day indeed, but I'm feeling a bit better now, so I'm hoping to get stuck into a lot of things tomorrow.

I spent about a week in the summerhouse by myself first, and it was actually a very difficult time for me. It was the first time I was there since Zorro passed away and I was instantly moved back to November again. I don't think I've ever been in the summerhouse without him since around 2002, and it was more difficult than I could have imagined. We had deliberately planned it so I would be out there by myself first, and I think that was a good decision, I could never have coped to be there with my Dad and his whole family straight away.

I tried to keep busy by working outside, but the weather wasn't exactly co-operating with me as it rained heavily almost the entire time ... I did get a bit of work done but I was also left thinking a lot inside ... not that I think that's a bad thing, I think I really needed it - but I won't deny I felt pretty awful.

My Dad and his family came out to the summerhouse the day before Midsummer and it was great seeing them all again, of course. The girls have grown SO much (but then again, I hadn't seen them since February!), and they are wonderful to be around, even though I sometimes find it a bit difficult to adapt to the intensity it brings being around an entire family like that.

On Midsummer's Day I took a train to visit my Mum, and it was wonderful to see her again. We had a lot of catching up to do as she's had some problems with her phone lately, so we haven't been able to talk to each other much for a while. I went back to the summerhouse on Sunday evening, and spent the coming three days there with Dad and the rest of the "gang".

We went to "town" (where they live) on Wednesday afternoon and early yesterday morning, I went home. It was quite a long trip, I think mostly because I was completely exhausted. It felt really wonderful when I arrived home, but I was SO tired!

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well tonight, so I've been very tired today as well, and I haven't really gotten a lot of things done, mostly little things. Still, I think it's understandable after the intense times that have been.
I am trying to accomplish a lot of changes in my life at the moment, and I know I can't work at that 100% when I'm not in my usual environment but now I'm getting a few weeks here so starting tomorrow I will try to get stuck into that!

Sharing some photos from the summerhouse - and I have a few more blog entries to go through, not sure if I'll have the energy tonight but otherwise they'll be here tomorrow!

Chaos and Change!

I haven't been feeling very well late, and it seems the more I've been trying, the more chaotic things have become.
I will be going to the summerhouse tomorrow, for about two weeks, and I'm hoping that a change of scenery will change this downward spiral I feel I'm stuck in right now - and as usual I have no internet access when I'm in the summerhouse.

We haven't made plans for the summer yet, but I'm hoping to go now, stay for about two weeks, then come back home for about three weeks, then go back for about three weeks, before coming home for good ... but nothing has been settled yet, so we'll just have to wait and see ...

I will try to update the blog when I get the chance ....

Take care for now!

10 Year Anniversary!

Yes, yesterday was a bit of an anniversary for me, as it was 10 years ago I moved to southern Sweden! (Skåne) I basically felt a bit like I needed to break free, to start standing on my own two feet (better late than never?) and on top of that I wanted to start studying Theology, and the two major cities to do that then was Lund and Uppsala - so it was Lund.

Apparently things didn't go too well at the beginning, and after about six months here I ended up on sick leave - for four years!! Still, no matter how difficult it was, I never even contemplated moving back ... I think something has always told me this was the place where I am supposed to be, and now, ten years later, I'm certain of that!! I really really feel good here, I feel I have found my place and even though things aren't always perfect (duh!) I really don't want to leave here unless I have to! :)

I took a 2 hour walk yesterday even to try to think a few things through, as there is a lot of things going on now, and some things aren't working out so great - and after that walk, and a lot of thinking and personal writing this morning, I think I do feel a little better. And I have to share some photos from my walk - I just love living my the ocean! :-)





This week is REALLY intense, I have to finish a report on my master's thesis by Wednesday, as I have a meeting with the professor on Thursday, and early Friday morning I go to the summerhouse. First stay will be about two weeks, then I'll go back here for a while, before going back there again. So I also have to clean my apartment, do laundry, book tickets, go to the Bank - and then some ...
I guess I'd better get on with it thought, right? :)
I hope I can make a few more entries here before I leave, because then I'll be basically without internet access for two weeks ...

11 years!

Today is a bit of a sad day for me.
Exactly 11 years ago, Zorro came to live with me, and of course I think about him a lot!! My Mum had gotten both Zimba and Zorro but after she moved and the cats were let out on a netted porch, things started to go badly ... I have always suspected that Zorro had an over-production of some hormone, like adrenaline or testosterone, because he tended to be a bit more hyper than was really normal.
This showed itself for example by the fact that he couldn't be around other cats (except for his brother, Zimba) ... he went really crazy when he saw another cat. And when they were out on the porch and another cat would come by, Zorro obviously couldn't get at the 'intruder', so he lashed out at the one he could get at: Zimba. The fights turned really nasty and we decided I would take Zorro and Mum would keep Zimba - and in retrospect, I think it was the best thing we could have done, for all four of us!
I actually "bought" Zorro from my Mum, she got four Swedish Crowns for him, one Crown for each paw! :-) And he moved in with me on June 9, 2000 ...

I remember being really scared he wouldn't adapt properly and that he'd feel neglected, so I basically spent the first couple of days carrying him around in my arms! Zorro and I had gotten along better than Zimba and I did, even when my Mum had them both, but I think Zorro and I really truly bonded during those days - after that he always wanted to be in my lap, he was usually laying on my arm like an infant! :-)7

I miss him so much! Every time I think of him, every time I see him in my head, feel his soft fur or wet nose, every time I hear him, it's like someone ran a knife through my heart. It's been nearly seven months now, and while I know that a lot can happen and that "time heals all wounds" and whatnot, I find it very difficult to see myself ever getting another cat. I'm not saying I'll never have animals again, but I can't see it being a cat ever again!

I think Zorro will always be THE Cat for me ...
I Will Always Love You.

The Place To Be

I just have to say I am absolutely amazed by the fact that I have so totally and completely found my place in life!
I'm not saying everything is perfect and I'm living in a dream world, but considering where I've been and where I come from, it's almost unbelievable that I now find myself in the place where I am right now! I realize I have put a lot of work into my life over the last 5-8 years or so, but I still find it fantastic to see how far it's gotten me - which was something I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.

And no, nothing really special has happened today - I had an "unofficial meeting" (sort of) at Uni today and I guess that triggered this whole chain of thoughts ... because there's no place I'd rather be right now. I have been having some difficulties with certain things during the last few years, but overall, I can't believe the person I have become, and the response I'm getting from people around me, from people I care about and from people I admire.
I am trying hard right now to make a few changes in my life, and I really hope I'll be able to do that. Seeing now how great things really are, makes me even more motivated to actually change the things that aren't that great - and the fact is, most of those things are things that I CAN change! Sure, I'll have to apply myself and put a bit of effort into it, but I have a strong feeling it will be worth it many times over! :)

I am purposely being a bit vague in this entry, but I really don't feel comfortable being too specific about these things, as it also tends to involve other people ... but I still wanted to share this amazing feeling with you! :-)

The Social Arena

I don't know how many of the readers notice the labels of this blog, but I do have a label called "The Social Arena". Now, I started this blog back in 2006, and that label was then to indicate when I'd actually interacted socially. That was not so common back then, especially in situations outside the University, so I really felt I had to make a point of that when it happened.

Things have come a long way since then, and I now find that it's some times difficult to know when to use that label - as I now tend to interact socially quite a lot! :-)
Still I felt the title appropriate for this blog entry, as I have had two pretty intense days, socially speaking, this weekend.

On Sunday there was a family reunion on my Dad's side, to celebrate that my grandmother would have turned 100 years old. My Dad's sister had taken the initiative to that, she'd gathered almost her entire family in their summerhouse (which is not far from ours, and not far from where my grandmother lived), with children and grandchildren, and she'd also invited her siblings and their families.
It's a 6 hour trip, one way, for me, but I cared deeply for my grandmother, and my aunt and her family were very close to ours when I was a child (they have five children, my cousins, and they were almost like my older siblings when I grew up!), so I quickly decided I would go. My Dad would come as well, but not the rest of his family - and we knew nothing of the rest of my Dad's siblings (he has another sister and a brother as well, with children and grandchildren).

The trip north was okay, even though it was a bit hot to be stuck on a bus/train all day, and I met my Dad when I arrived. When we got to my aunt's, it turned out we were the only ones who would come, which actually made me quite disappointed ...
Still I had a really great time, even though we couldn't stay for very long. A lot of my cousins I hadn't seen for basically 10 years or more (!!) but I think we did create some sort of bond when we were kids, because I was more relaxed than I usually am in situations like that and I REALLY REALLY enjoyed seeing them all again!

My train back was leaving at 5 p.m. but was delayed, and I had a pretty tight connection in Gothenburg, so I was a bit worried about missing it ... Luckily the train managed to speed up a bit and we were "only" about 10 minutes late, so after a bit of running, I did make it to my bus! :) I wasn't home until 11 p.m. but despite being tired I was really happy I had gone through with the day, and that it had worked out so well.
I hope there will be more opportunities to meet up with them during the summer!

On Monday, which is a Swedish holiday, it was time for the annual "start-of-summer-at-Sofiero"-tradition! :-) I met Sara, Martin, Johanna, Per, Johanna and Mikael at Sofiero and it's really a gorgeous place to be at in the beginning of summer. We all had a lot to carry so we didn't walk around much, but went straight to our usual spot! This tradition is really fabulous, and this is actually the fourth year we're doing it - I, Sara and Johanna have been there every time but we've had different companions each year, I think! :-)

Yesterday I didn't feel well at all, I was in bed most of the day with a nasty headache (no hangover though, as I left Sofiero at 7 p.m. and didn't have much to drink at all, I blame the headache on the weather!), but now I'm going to try to make a final rush on my thesis before "summer"! :-)