2 Weeks.

It's hard to believe it has been two weeks since Zorro past away.
I'm working at getting back to life, it feels like I've been living in a bubble more or less constantly since it happened. I have never experienced true grief before and certainly everyone deals with it in different ways. For some reason, I seem to make things quite difficult for myself, so I am struggling with a lot of things right now.

I don't really want to go into detail here, partly because it's very hard to put words on what it is I'm feeling and thinking and struggling with. But things have not been very easy the past two weeks, that's for sure. I know I have to "move on", at least in some sense - but that is part of what I'm struggling with.
I know I cannot stay in this bubble forever, and I'm hoping to be able to function in a better way - and also update the blog in a better way in the future.

Beautiful!

I just received this poem from my friend Debra on Facebook and I felt I had to share it here right away - I think it's really really beautiful!!

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

1 Week

I can't believe it's been one week. One tiny little week. One immensely long week. I guess this entire situation just feels completely unreal, so it's not that strange I have no time conception whatsoever ...
I don't know how to summarize either, because it feels pretty much impossible! My Mum came here on Wednesday, basically a "rescue-operation", and while I think I could have coped without it, it felt really good that she came. I'm an extremely private person, and I cannot share really intense feelings with anyone ... but I think what did help me was the fact that we got some practical stuff DONE - which I probably would have completely ignored if I had been on my own! I got the apartment at least fairly clean before she came, we did a ton of laundry, we did some major grocery shopping and cooking (so I have lots of food stacked away now!) - and we also made more of a fun outing to IKEA in Malmö on Friday ...

On Saturday it was time for mine and Annika's annual Christmas tradition (see entry below), so my Mum and I went to Gothenburg together, and when I met Annika, my Mum went on home.

I think the main thing I'm feeling, besides the complete and total emptiness and loneliness that comes with missing someone close to you, is an extreme fear of forgetting!! I know I will forget, time inevitably causes you to forget, and I don't want to forget!! I guess some people will say I'm torturing myself for nothing, but I don't see it that way ... I don't care how much it hurts (and it hurts A LOT!), I do NOT want to forget anything about Zorro!!!
I've come across with people who deal with sorrow in a manner that is basically 'forget-and-move-on' - and that is totally not me! I think they feel that if you "get on with your life" and go about your normal business, the pain will be less. Maybe it will, but I still don't ever ever ever want to forget ... and I'm really scared because I know that the more time that will pass, the foggier the details will be.
I mean, I will always remember specific incidents regarding Zorro - when we visited my Dad and his family, when we were in the summerhouse, his train trips etc. - but it's the ordinary daily routines that I'm scared to forget. They were so natural for such a long time, and I know that when I start developing new routines that doesn't involve him (which I already have!), the old routines will fade!
I'm trying to write as much as possible in my diary about these ordinary things (such as the fact that we had our very own language!! *smiling!*), so at least I will have it there .... but it's still extremely difficult to know that all these little things that have been a part of my life for the past 10 years will just fade away ...

I know I have to "get on with my life", which at the moment is extremely stressful, especially regarding studies ... but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that! I have written almost all day today, but I probably won't have time to go through all I want to go through - and I'm still not sure that will prepare me for full-time studies and then some.
At this time, I don't have the energy to worry too much about it, I'm more in a "let's try it and see what happens"-mood right now. So I guess we'll have to see what happens ....

Annual Christmas Tradition!

This Saturday Annika and I met in Gothenburg for our annual Christmas tradition. I think we decided that we probably started in 2002, and since then we've missed out on one year (2008, I think), so this is really a true tradition - soon celebrating 10 years! :)

As my Mum had come for a short visit to help me out, I went with my Mum to Gothenburg. It was nice to have company, even though we unfortunately didn't get to sit together during the bus ride.
I met Annika at 11.45, and said good bye to my Mum, who continued up north that afternoon.
Annika and I had lunch at Burger King, like we usually do, before walking down to Liseberg (the amusement park in Gothenburg), where they have this huge Christmas market. We were there right after they opened at 1 p.m., and I don't think we've usually been there so early because it was surprisingly light outside! :)
I have to say the weather was really good too, better than we've had on several other occasions! It had snowed during the night but temperatures had risen during the day so it was quite slushy, but at least it didn't rain or snow, and temperatures were decent as well! Nice!! Since we were there so early we really had the time to walk around in peace which was quite nice. We took our time, and it felt like Liseberg was a lot bigger this year! :)
It still felt a bit strange it was so light out, and all the lights on the buildings and trees weren't quite so extraordinary as they are when it's darker - but it was still a really really nice visit!!

After a couple of hours we went back to the railway station for some Christmas cookies and presents! :) I got a really nice collage of pictures from when Annika and I have met, and a few other great presents as well - big thanks!! :)
My bus left at 5.05, but the trip home felt really long, basically because I was completely exhausted and because I had a totally annoying kid in the seat in front of me. I usually really like kids, and I think I'm pretty patient with them ... but this little guy was pretty much a terror the entire trip. I had a change in Helsingborg and luckily for me, the bus from there was a little late so I just made it, and didn't have to wait for a train (which would take a lot longer!).

Coming home to an empty apartment after having been away for an entire day was PURE torture ... I mean, I know this is the way it's going to be from now on, but it's torture all the same ... So it was a painful end to an otherwise really nice day ...

Some pictures from Liseberg!

Loved Always. Missed Forever.

This blog entry will be about Zorro. I feel I really want to make a proper entry, about who he was, what he experienced in life, what he and I shared and what he gave me ...

Zorro was born on July 5, 1997 as the oldest of three siblings. After him came his brother Zimba and a sister. They are pure bread and therefore have other, "formal" names as well.
Zorro was Escaroth's Foxy Felix, Zimba was Escaroth's Flossy Filip and the little sister was Escaroth's Fairy Fleur.

My mother had Zimba and Zorro first, she wanted a pair of kittens and having two brothers seemed to be perfect. And I guess it was ... in a way. What nobody expected was the intensity of these two brothers, who made sure to give my mother a run for her money. They certainly entertained themselves in her apartment with both this and that - and got away with a lot because of their adorable looks! :)
I have no idea why, but I somehow connected more with Zorro than I did with Zimba. I loved them both, but Zorro found it easier to come to rest in my lap and was more cuddly towards me than Zimba was.

My Mum moved in 1998 and got a place with a patio out the back. She had a net put in so the cats could be out there ... but that didn't work out so well. Zorro has always been very intense, very friendly toward people but not that fond of other cats ... and when he saw other cats through the net, he went for the cat he could reach - his brother!
We realized they couldn't stay together in 2000, and I found myself being a cat owner! :)

Zorro moved in with me on June 9, 2000 - and at first we were about anxious about this move. He had always been with his brother and we didn't know how he would cope. I made sure to give him 100% of my attention, and for the first few days I basically carried him around my apartment, in order for him to feel safe and loved.
He finally came to peace living with me - and I eventually got used to having a pet! :)

In 2001 (June 12) we moved to southern Sweden, and from what I can remember, Zorro handled the move very well. I was home a lot in the beginning to, and I think that we settled well together. We lived in an apartment that had a garden attached to it, and it was nice to be able to take Zorro out on occasion - even though I had to have him on a leash.




That summer we spent some time in the summerhouse and one morning Zorro managed to run away!! I was SO scared, he'd always been an indoor cat, and the summerhouse is really in the country, with other cats, a road with cars and tractors, nature with lynx (though quite rare) and foxes ... It took several hours but he eventually found his way back (sort of - it's quite a long story!), and I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my entire life!!

I basically crashed in 2001 and was put on sickleave in February 2002 - and part of what held me above the water then was Zorro! He was ALWAYS there for me, and even though I didn't care about myself and I was living in a great big mess, I couldn't let things go completely, because I was responsible for him. He didn't deserve being neglected and he needed food and water, so I at least had to keep some kind of contact with reality, thanks to Zorro!



I slowly worked my way back, and I think the first big turning point came in 2004 when things really started to turn the right way - even though I had a long way to go yet.
Around this time Zorro and I had a nasty experience in our garden. We had a fairly new neighbour who had bought a Labrador puppy ... I was out with Zorro on a leash, when the puppy came rushing up to us - without a leash!!! Zorro was completely hysterical, and I went into a state of panic. The only thing in my head was getting Zorro inside - but trying to handle a cat that is hysterical is not really a good idea - so he slashed me up pretty good. It was really lucky for me, my mother was down for a visit, because we eventually managed to separate cat and puppy and get Zorro inside - but it was certainly a very very nasty experience!!

In May 2005 we moved to the current apartment, in a town about 20 km away. Zorro didn't care for this move at all, he didn't feel well!! He was very upset whenever I left the apartment, and he almost stopped eating for a while, which was quite disturbing. Eventually he got used to this new place, and I think he liked it a lot in the end. There's a balcony, which we put a net on so he could go out there without me being afraid for him.




I went back to full time studies in 2006 and while I've had some set backs (some bigger than others) basically my life is working out now ... and I have Zorro to thank for SO MUCH!!
He was been there always, no matter what! I have done some not-so-great things over the years, I have made some bad decisions every now and again, but no matter what, he has always waited for me at home, with a huge heart and unconditional love - no matter what!
I think we had a pretty special relationship from the start, early on I bonded with him rather than with Zimba, and I have had several people tell me (when they've seen me and Zorro together) that we share something special.
Also because he was with me during an extremely difficult period in my life, we connected in a very deep way. Add to this the fact that I have always lived alone and has not been in a serious relationship, Zorro and I have truly bonded. He wasn't always very sweet and did everything perfectly, we fought on occasion, I yelled at him and was annoyed at him (and he was probably quite annoyed with me too at times!) but when it really mattered, we were there for each other.

Lately I have started taking him on the train to visit my families and the summerhouse, and it has worked out really really well - and I think he really really trusted me!! He could get agitated and nervous, but when he saw that I was there, he felt me and smelled me, he calmed down. I am very happy that I was able to be there for him during that last hour, and that he could fall asleep in my lap that last time ...

I think my life is going in the right way now - a lot of things haven't worked out lately but I think I know why now and I think I know what I need to work on in order to work it out - and I have Zorro to thank for a lot of this. I'm not saying he did it all, I have fought a lot on my own, and I have gotten help from others as well, but I don't think I had gotten through things in the way I have, if I hadn't had Zorro!

People have asked me - before I had to put Zorro to sleep - if I should get another animal when Zorro wasn't around any more. Many people who have animals and enjoy that, want to continue having animals, and when you have gone through your grieving process after one animal, you want another one.
I have been a bit reluctant, mostly because my current life situation isn't exactly animal-friendly ... but after yesterday, I know I do not want another animal, at least not in a very very long time. And I also know why.
It's because I never felt "I had an animal" before. "I had Zorro." It was HIM, very distinctly HIM - and no matter what, I can never ever have him again. And to be honest, if I can't have him, I don't think I want anybody else. (yes, I know this might be a natural reaction and I might change my mind - but somehow I doubt I will change my mind ....)

So THANK YOU ZORRO for being a part of my life for such a long time.
I Will Love You Always And Miss You Forever.

En Livskamrat På Livets Resa

Jag skrev den här dikten till min mamma när hon hade fått ta bort sin dåvarande katt, Zorros bror Zimba - och jag ville gärna dela med mig av den nu när även Zorro är borta.

EN LIVSKAMRAT PÅ LIVETS RESA

En livskamrat bredvid mig går och håller hårt min hand.
Vi följas åt längs vägarna, genom livets land.
Vi delar gråt, vi delar skratt.
Vi delar dag, vi delar natt.
På livets långa resa.

Den väg vi går tillsammans slutar på en strand.
Tittar ut mot horisonten, tar farväl vid havets rand.
Delad glädje, delad sorg.
Delad trygghet i hemmets borg.
På livets långa resa.

Min livskamrat försvinner bort, in i evigheten.
Vem finns kvar på stranden? Endast jag och ensamheten.
Sorgens tårar väter min kind.
Allt jag hör är ensamhetens vind.
På livets långa resa.


[Apologies to readers who can't read Swedish - this is a poem I wrote to my Mum when she had to put her cat, Zorro's brother Zimba, to sleep. I thought it would be nice to share it today, but I can't make a translation of it, I'm sorry.]

R.I.P. Zorro ~~ 5 July 1997 - 15 November 2010

Sad news today.
I had to take Zorro to the vet today, as he has had some problems with his bowels for the four, five days or so - the past two days I've found blood in his stool which worried me a lot.

I had never seen a vet here before, but it worked out fine and I met a really nice veterinarian. We talked for a while before she examined him. The first thing she discovered was that he probably had a teeth problem, an illness which basically causes the teeth to rot, and they have to be removed.
After having examined him further she said that in all likelihood he had a fairly large tumour somewhere in his stomach - and that would take a lot to sort out. Examinations, tests, treatments, operations ... and before she even finished telling me all about it, I had made up my mind.

Zorro had a calming shot first, causing him to fall asleep peacefully in my lap, in about five minutes. After that we put him on the examination table, and he had the fatal shot.
The whole thing took about an hour, and it's definitely the most unreal hour in my entire life.

I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that this was the right decision at the right time - and that feels "good" (or whatever word you're supposed to use in circumstances like this).
My problem is trying to deal with my life without him. He's been my top priority and the first "person" I think of regarding everything ... now I have to go on without him ...

I will make a real, longer entry about Zorro, about his life and the relationship we had - but I cannot bring myself to do that today, so I will have to do that tomorrow.

I Will Always Love You.

A Very Long Day!

Today has been one of the longest days of my life - and one of the harder ones too.
Late last night, I discovered Zorro isn't doing so well right now. He's having a hard time using the litter box, and there's been a fair amount of blood in his stool (which is very loose and just ... strange) - so I'll be calling a veterinarian first thing tomorrow morning.
I don't know anything about these things, I have no idea how serious this is or what it could be - but since Zorro is old now (he's 13½ years old, and generally you say cats of his breed lives for about 10 years) I know I won't do a lot of treatments or invasive procedures on him ...
So if this is not a problem that is very easily fixed ("it will get better of its own" or "give him a pill for 10 days and he will be over it" basically), I will make the decision to put Zorro to sleep.

I have been extremely tense all day, and suffered a nasty headache so I have had problems focusing on anything else besides this. I know there's nothing I can do, and I have to wait and see what the vet thinks and says about all this, but it's impossible for me not to think about it.

I know Zorro has had a really good life, and I know that hard times lies ahead that will affect him badly, but just the thought of going home alone tomorrow and having to start clearing away all of his things makes my heart just tear ....

This has been a very long day indeed, I only slept a few hours last night, and I doubt I'll sleep any more than that tonight - but this is the way things are right now and I simply have to work my way through it.
I cannot guarantee an entry tomorrow, depending on what happens - but no doubt will I sooner or later let you know what is going on.

Celebrating 27,000!

YAY! We passed 27,000 visitors today! :) Thank you all for coming and for taking an interest!

I went to Uni early this morning, first time in ages! *oops* Was there a few minutes past 8, and at first I got some work done on the computers - managed to finally locate a really important article for my master's thesis, printed some stuff for a seminar next week etc.

After that I got some regular studying done, with a bit of mixed feelings actually. Like I said in my last entry, most things in my life are very complicated right now, and I find it difficult to sort everything out. I know I have SO much that HAS to be done and that HAS to work out - but I also know that if I push myself too hard, I'm just gonna crash and it'll all blow up in my face. The thing is, where do you draw the line? I need to push myself, otherwise everything will get screwed up, but if I push myself too far, it will still be screwed up. Ah well ...

I had lunch with Elisabet, which was really nice! Not that many "Old Testament-people" around these days - and to be honest, I haven't exactly been around much myself either lately!! :) Hopefully I'll be able to spend a bit more time around Uni from now on.

I went home after our lunch, and not that much has happened this afternoon. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that spending half a day at Uni, with all the things involved there, actually does make me tired now. I do feel anxiety for a lot of things now - when I allow myself to actually feel it - and that does make me tired. Once again the question of when I can be allowed to be tired and to take some kind of recovery-time, and when I just have to push and push and push in order to get things done.

Needless to say, things are a bit confusing and ... well, I guess confusing pretty much covers it. Still, I have hopes that I can start to change things, even though it will take a great deal of hard work!!

Wind of Change!

When I was about 13 or 14 I really liked the song "Wind of Change" by Scorpions - and I really feel the title is appropriate in my life right now.



As you might have understood, I haven't been feeling so great lately - to be frank, things haven't worked out well in quite a long time, if you look at the big picture.
And, as usual in this life, everything tends to happen at once. I apologize for this vague entry, but what is going on in my life now is very, very personal, and I haven't figured it all out myself yet, so I don't feel up to pouring it all out in a public blog just now ...
Basically, a lot of stuff has hit me in the head like the famous 'ton of bricks' and at the moment, I'm trying to deal with the entire 'ton', not allowing it to crash me, learning something from it, while not forsaking all the practical aspects of my life. Quite a task actually.

What I have brutally come to realize (that ton of bricks is quite a wake-up call!) is that I have to change a lot of things in my life, and I mean a lot! Also, I have to go back to a basic level, and - more or less - change ME! There are a lot of personal features that I have developed and/or nurtured for a long long time that I have come to realize need to change, and change now!
I don't mean to sound overly dramatic - I don't quite like the whole drama-queen-thing - but there are some major changes going on in my life right now ... and that can sometimes be difficult to handle.

I am highly motivated to go through with these changes, I know they are good and, to be frank, quite necessary if my life is going to function in a decent way, but I also know there will be setbacks and none of these changes come easy.

I hope I can keep this blog alive even though it might not be very specific regarding these things, as they are deeply personal. But this blog has been a part of my life for some very eventful four years, and I would of course like to try and keep it that way!

This is a quick - and vague, I know - update to what my life circles around right now. Hopefully I will be back with other entries, both regarding this kinda deep subject, but also about other things that go on in my life.

I'm sharing some photos from my last photo walk as well! I had hoped to reach the ocean to catch the sunset - but the sun sets SO quickly this time of year, I think I missed it with like two minutes!! Still, the photos turned out okay, I think.

Drowning!?

First of all, I took these totally cool photos of the sun outside my living room window (I just love my zoom lens!!)! I have to say that I'm fascinated by the colours and contrasts of the photos - what do you think?





Moving on to not-so-pleasant matters. I have been going through some tough days now, and even though I know they appear every now and then, they're not so nice to deal with.
I'm very worried about lots of things in my life right now, and none of them are really going to be solved any time soon - meaning of course I just keep thinking and wondering and not being able to do a lot about it.
I have "sort of" let one thing go now, but I have a hard time letting difficult things go, even though I know I should be focusing on other matters.

I realize this is very vague, but I find it difficult to articulate how I feel about what to myself, and I definitely don't want to do it in a public blog - but there are a lot of things that have been accumulating for a while and I really do feel like I'm drowning!
I guess all I can do is try to calm down and see what I can do and try to focus on that. As usual, it's easier said than done though...

I had a meeting with my professor yesterday, about my master's thesis - the meeting started well, but ended up feeling worse and worse. Nothing against him, he's really fantastic and he tries to help me as best he can - but I really do feel awful and that makes it really hard for me to focus and get something out of a tutoring meeting like that. But it's a shame, because I don't see him very often and I will have to get a lot of things done until our next meeting. Ah well, yet another thing that shouldn't occupy my mind, I guess, since it's already happened ...
We did have a nice moment just as I arrived. He was in the teacher's lounge (which is sort of next to his office) and called out to me when he saw I came. Apparently he'd seen the lists of applicants for next semester's courses - and since we're in the middle of changing everything (yes still, our education system - in our Department - has been more or less constantly changing since 2007) it was a huge confusion and mix-up regarding the courses. After confronting and challenging a former student counsellor and a secretary we finally realized that there are 26 applicants for the Hebrew course - which is GREAT! :)

I'm working really hard at making a "come-back" now, mostly because I know I HAVE to make things work. I have a strong feeling that by the time we reach March, I will have gone to Hell and back, possibly more than once! But I simply have to make it work, there are no other options at this time, so I really hope I can pull my act together and MAKE it work - even if it doesn't work perfectly!

Finishing off with a recent photo of my darling! :)