I don't know how to summarize either, because it feels pretty much impossible! My Mum came here on Wednesday, basically a "rescue-operation", and while I think I could have coped without it, it felt really good that she came. I'm an extremely private person, and I cannot share really intense feelings with anyone ... but I think what did help me was the fact that we got some practical stuff DONE - which I probably would have completely ignored if I had been on my own! I got the apartment at least fairly clean before she came, we did a ton of laundry, we did some major grocery shopping and cooking (so I have lots of food stacked away now!) - and we also made more of a fun outing to IKEA in Malmö on Friday ...
On Saturday it was time for mine and Annika's annual Christmas tradition (see entry below), so my Mum and I went to Gothenburg together, and when I met Annika, my Mum went on home.
I think the main thing I'm feeling, besides the complete and total emptiness and loneliness that comes with missing someone close to you, is an extreme fear of forgetting!! I know I will forget, time inevitably causes you to forget, and I don't want to forget!! I guess some people will say I'm torturing myself for nothing, but I don't see it that way ... I don't care how much it hurts (and it hurts A LOT!), I do NOT want to forget anything about Zorro!!!
I've come across with people who deal with sorrow in a manner that is basically 'forget-and-move-on' - and that is totally not me! I think they feel that if you "get on with your life" and go about your normal business, the pain will be less. Maybe it will, but I still don't ever ever ever want to forget ... and I'm really scared because I know that the more time that will pass, the foggier the details will be.
I mean, I will always remember specific incidents regarding Zorro - when we visited my Dad and his family, when we were in the summerhouse, his train trips etc. - but it's the ordinary daily routines that I'm scared to forget. They were so natural for such a long time, and I know that when I start developing new routines that doesn't involve him (which I already have!), the old routines will fade!
I'm trying to write as much as possible in my diary about these ordinary things (such as the fact that we had our very own language!! *smiling!*), so at least I will have it there .... but it's still extremely difficult to know that all these little things that have been a part of my life for the past 10 years will just fade away ...
I know I have to "get on with my life", which at the moment is extremely stressful, especially regarding studies ... but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that! I have written almost all day today, but I probably won't have time to go through all I want to go through - and I'm still not sure that will prepare me for full-time studies and then some.
At this time, I don't have the energy to worry too much about it, I'm more in a "let's try it and see what happens"-mood right now. So I guess we'll have to see what happens ....
2 comments:
*HUGS*
Well I don't think there's any "right" way to grief....or well no "wrong" way... everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and whatever helps is what you need to do... While I'm personally good at "blocking" all feelings I don't believe in forgetting...
I think you're right, it's very individual how you deal with grief. I feel I have to just be as deep inside it as I possibly can (I think I've come across the "repressing"-kind a bit too often, and I don't quite like it) - unfortunately not all people are as tolerant and feel like their way is the right way ... which can be a bit difficult to handle at times!
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