Saturday, 26 February 2011

Renovation Part II: Emotional

Due to quite an intense week, unfortunately the blog hasn't been updated. Hopefully I can take some time this weekend to catch up with it!

This entry will try to focus on the emotional part of this whole renovation mess I've been living in for the past 5-6 weeks - naturally it won't be very detailed as emotions are, at least to me, something very private. But I will try to write something.

I think what has become most evident for me is how much I actually value my home! When I was on sick-leave, my home became my refuge, it was the only place in the world where I could totally relax and where I was completely at ease - at any other place there was at least some kind of anxiety involved, although of course the gravity of it varied.
But since I have been feeling better, I can be relaxed at other places as well. Anxiety has not that big part in my life any more (although some of it has come back lately - but that's another story) and I don't have to be on my toes and feeling anxious as soon as I leave my home.
But still, home apparently means a great deal to me - which became very clear when I was more or less thrown out of my home.

I spent three weeks not living at home, and that was really hard on me. Part of the time, I could borrow Christian's apartment - where I was on my own and could go about my business in the way I wanted - and the rest of the time was mostly spent with my Dad and his family, and I'm used to being there as well ... but it was still hard on me not being around my home, my stuff! (This is not to say I'm not grateful both to Christian and to my Dad for making these arrangements possible, because it made things work out well on a practical level!)
Since this was a reaction I had not anticipated, I also was not at all prepared for it, and probably didn't handle it in a great way ...

Things have been feeling a lot better since I was able to come home - but there is an element of anxiety still, as there has been complications and I've basically had people walk in and out any time between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. to try to fix this and that ... And that makes it hard to relax even when I am at home ... this has made me truly appreciate weekends though! :)

Having to go through this renovation mess has also made it impossible for me to try to really deal with my feelings and emotions. I feel like I have been forced to push things aside and telling myself I'll have to deal with them when things calm down a bit - and that is something that I don't feel good about. Pushing things aside make them pile up inside me and eventually I feel like I'm going to break, both physically and emotionally, because there is so much inside me that I can't let out.
This weekend I think is the first time since Christmas, where I can really sit down and work things through (I write - a lot!), not worrying about anything, just trying to focus on what has been going on and how I'm feeling about everything, and why, and where all my emotions come from, and how I'm going to deal with them.
I still have stuff I need to do, but I truly feel I have to prioritize my writing now, if I'm going to be able to feel better!

I have several other blog entries in mind before I feel I'm back-on-track with the blog, so hopefully I can get my act together and publish them during the weekend.

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