Saturday, 28 February 2009

Time To Get Started!

This morning was kind of intense ... No weekend sleep-in for me, as I had to get Uni, the Department Library is open 10-2 on Saturdays now, and since the issue with the books had been resolved, I actually needed to get them!
I arrived at the Department around 10.15 only to find the whole place pitch dark and all the doors locked!! What the ...?!?! I didn't know what to do, I mean ... would could I do, apart from breaking in (not a good idea!!) but still, time flies by sooo quickly now, I didn't want to waste another two days of studying!!
I walked around the building a couple of times - don't know what good I figured that would do, it would hardly get the doors open (unless I could compare myself to Joshua, who walked around Jericho seven times and the wall fell down ... not a bad comparison if I do say so myself! *lol*). I finally realized there was nothing I could do, so I was just about to turn back and head for the railway station. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a girl I've been studying with before and I seemed to be headed toward the Department! I immediately doubled back, we met outside and she had also realized the doors were locked! BUT, while we were talking, apparently someone had seen us (I think there was one other guy there as well by then), and they opened the door - the library was opened, but still hadn't been lit up or anything! Guess the guy responsible overslept! ;)

I finally did get the books and even though there was some problems getting into the computer system, it worked out and I could take the next train home! *YAY!*

For some reason I've been extremely tired today, I really hope I'm not about to catch a cold or something - I definitely do NOT have time for that right now! Guess all I can do now is hope tomorrow will be better!

I'm actually planning an outing tomorrow morning as well ...:) Lena will be giving a sermon at a Church service tomorrow, and it would be really wonderful to go! I haven't been to Church in ... well, not counting my sisters' baptisms I guess it must be over 10 years. Wow, time really does fly ... I think it would be nice to see Lena though, almost all of my friends want to be priests and I'm actually ahsamed to say I have not seen one of them in that particular role. Guess it's about time!
It will be an early morning though, Church Service starts at 9.30 and I have a fair way to travel to get there (also includes a lot of changes, and public traffic isn't the best on a Sunday morning) - so I'll make sure to get to bed early tonight!

Friday, 27 February 2009

Feeling Stupid!

It's been kind of a strange day today ...

It all started during the night, when I practically woke up thinking: "The whole study plan I made with my professor is WRONG!!!!" (That's not a good way to wake up in the middle of the night!)
This morning I thought things through and realized I needed to change a few things regarding the course I'm taking now - such as the general topic, which also meant the literature and the text!
I sent an email to my professor about 8 a.m. regarding this, as he has to approve of it.

Then I went for a small shopping trip - I'd been meaning to go for a few days now, so finally I got going ... only to find: nothing!! Couldn't help but being annoyed since that trip was just done in vain. I went straight to Uni (actually passing my hometown on the way!) to see if I'd gotten an answer from my professor, so I could get the books I needed.
When I got to Uni: no reply!!

I couldn't stay there all day, so I decided to go home ... but I had a hard time getting anything done, since I was too preoccupied with wondering about my course, if this was okay etc.
So it's been a slow day!
I finally did get a reply, about 5 p.m., and it WAS okay to change the whole thing! Meaning I'm gonna have to go back to Uni tomorrow to get my books! Still, I did get today "off" - more or less - so I guess I shouldn't complain too much, and instead be glad things actually worked out for the best!

For some reason or other, I'm not the least bit tired tonight! *WEIRD* I'm afraid I'll be all the more tired tomorrow morning though, but I'm hoping to get up in a decent time, so I can get my books from the library and really get started on this course!!

I hope you all have a great Friday evening (what's left of it!!) and a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Regular Ups and Downs!

Today has been an "up-and-down" day ... and since it hasn't all been down, I'll try not to complain ... too much ... :)

I went to Uni for an OT-lecture at 10. As usual I had planned only to sit in on the first half of the lecture, but it turned out that they're starting in on something I've always been having trouble with. The first time I took the course there was no way, I don't even think I was on one single lecture, so I never got it. The second time around, last year, I made sure I was there, and I did get most of it. But now it turned out this teacher gave it a whole new perspective, which made me understand and realize even more about it - so I decided to stay for the whole lecture! :)
(I must be INSANE, this is the third time I'm "kind of" taking this course! *LOL*)

Anyway, these lectures are perfect for me, they are the ultimate tool for repetition, and I'm starting to like the group a lot, I'm having a great time making conversations with the teacher during our breaks! He's TOTALLY into languages (and I mean totally, he knows 10 dead (!!) languages - I have no idea how many 'normal' ones he knows), and I find languages fascinating!! I've only studied Biblical Hebrew and Koine Greek, but I am amazed by it - and when he starts describing things in Aramaic, Coptic, Accadian or Syiran, I think it's the coolest thing! :)

We were done by 12, and I took a walk down town and checked out some book stores. I could have easily spent a fortune and more - but since I don't have any fortunes to spend at the moment, I had to settle for window shopping.

Back at Uni I tried checking out some literature and just general stuff ... and at 2.30 I had a meeting with my professor! Ironically enough, I've been feeling great ever since Monday and reflected a lot on how much better my self esteem has become - and today I was in a state of panic about meeting him! I really don't know why either - he had told me to check out some books and stuff, and of course I hoped I had done a "good job" of that, but I still don't think it was anything to warrant my anxiety!
The meeting went well, we decided to shift the focus a bit on the course, but nothing major - we settled on literature and date of exam (25 March *gulp*), and I'm gonna get back to him regarding what texts to choose.

I had about 10 minutes until the next meeting with the student counsellor, so I headed down to the library to check out the books. I knew one book, but unfortunately it's not the kind you can take home, so I'll have to go through that one there. And I couldn't find the other two!!! *sigh* It says in the computer that one does exist, it should be there, but when I check, it's not. And the other one: Nothing!! I can find the author, but no book with that title, and when I search for the title - I come up empty handed!
I really hadn't planned on going to Uni tomorrow, but run some other errands instead, but now I'm gonna have to try to combine them, because I have to talk to the librarian and try to sort this out! If he can't find them either, I'll have to let the professor know as soon as possible, since my exam is only a month away!

The meeting with the student counsellor was a bit confusing! He's the kindest guy, but I really don't to things the proper way and that just yells confusion! We sorted most of it out, at least I know what I should do about things, and I guess that's the main thing!

I've been relaxing a bit this afternoon, but I'm kind of worried about the books since I feel under pressure time-wise. I know there's nothing I can do until I talk to the people at the library tomorrow, but I still can't help but think about it ...
Guess I should head off to bed though, since I have an early morning tomorrow as well!

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Slow Day!

I had planned for this day to be a bit more efficient than it actually did - but seeing as how I've only just had an exam and I can't really start my next course until tomorrow (after the meeting with my professor), I won't beat myself up over it.

I did get started this morning, and had a few things to do - and it turned out a great big mess. Felt like no matter what I did I made everything worse than it had been before ... and that kind of made me slack off.

This afternoon I got a bit of stuff done, some cleaning, working a little on the computer, figuring out some stuff for tomorrow, when I have two meetings etc. So at least the day hasn't been a complete waste, guess that's something, right?!

Tomorrow will be quite a long day. I'll sit in on the OT lecture between 10 and 11, and then I have "free time" between 11 and 2.30 p.m. I'm thinking of actually just taking a stroll downtown, there's a nationwide booksale in Sweden now, and even though I couldn't afford anything, at least it would be nice to check out some nice bookshops! :)
I also figure I should do a double check on the literature for my next course, as that will part of the meeting with my professor. I think at least one or two books are pretty given, so I could easily get started on one of them as well!

At 2.30 I'm meeting with the OT professor, and we'll determine what literature and what text I should include in the course, and we'll also set a date for the next, oral, exam! *gulp in advance* It will probably be in about 3½-4 weeks time, as I have to have time to write two different essays (and they are different in length too) during the rest of the semester.

As soon as I'm done with that, I have a meeting with the student councellor, as there are a few questionmarks that need sorting out! Partly it has to do with registration of this semester's courses, which hasn't worked out completely ... I also need to check up what lies ahead, I think I'm gonna have to take one course over the summer, and then to the essay for my Master's Degree this fall, even though I really don't qualify for it yet - it's a mess ... which is why I'm leaving it up to the student councellor to stort out! *lol*
I'm also fighting over student loans and getting my money - so he'll have to help out there as well ...
So I'm guessing I'll be home late tomorrow! At least I don't have to do anything before the OT lecture, so I don't have to leave home until 8.50 a.m. - nice! :)

But I'm really tired tonight, so I'm gonna get off to bed now - and hopefully be able to get an efficient day tomorrow! :)
Take care!

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Things Back To Normal?!

Whoa! A couple of intense days to say the least!! At least I'm hoping things will be back to normal for a while now! :)

I studied like an idiot for the exam, but still didn't feel great about it! Granted, oral exams creep me out, but I really did not feel at all prepared enough!
I don't know what it's like for other University students, but I think the whole "oral exams"-thing is rather unusual in Sweden at least.
Basically, for my course (The Old Testament with Biblical Hebrew), the deal is this: I agree with a professor ('my' professor also happens to be the Head of the Faculty *gulp*) on a subject I want to study, we agree on a list of literature and about 10 pages of Hebrew text - and set a date for an oral exam. Come the day, I get to read and translate (and analyze) part of the Hebrew text, as well as answer questions and/or discuss the literature, with the professor.

From what I know, most people aren't happy about oral exams - well, most students, that is! :) I think the teachers and professor like it quite a lot, as it does require less work for them!* lol*
Anyway ...
For someone with a background of social phobia, oral exams are NOT funny at all - but fact of the matter is, this was my fourth, and while the results have varied, I have not failed, or needed to to return for a further exam, on any of them.

I was pretty freaked out yesterday, I had slept about 2½ hours, and was at the Department when the library opened at 9. Sat in on the Old Testament lecture 10.15-11 and kept studying after that. And at 2 o'clock it was time.
Adding to my anxiety was the fact that I have NEVER taken an exam for this professor before - and I really don't like starting it off with an oral exam ... when I don't know at all how he will do it, what level he will be at etc. I went up there, and we were dealing with the text part first ... It soon became clear I was going to have to read the Hebrew text as well as translate it - and I haven't read Hebrew out loud for almost a year! *yikes!* The professor was really calm and laid back about the whole thing - I guess he could sense I was totally panicky! :) - but I got started ... I didn't get too much text, lucky me, we went through Ecc. 6:1-3, but the verses were rather long. It felt ... "okay", though not good. I need to work on my vocaulary for starters, and I find it difficult to keep really long sentences in my head (without writing them down) and making any kind of sense of them) ... but at least it wasn't a complete disaster.

Then we moved onto the literature-part of it. I figured that would be a little bit easier, as it felt like it could be more of a conversation/discussion, even though I would do most of the talking and give most of the more specific information. The first thing that happened was:
The professor said that now, having read Ecclesiastes, and this particular part, as well as literature concerning not only Ecc. but also other literature close to it - how would I present Eccleasiates - if I, say, were giving a lecture on a basic level course?!?
Eh ... huh?!?!
Granted, I'm not completely alien to the idea of giving lectuers and teaching, but I most certainly was NOT expecting it in this situation! Still, things were very calm (from the professor's side!!), he told me to take my time etc. I got started talking, but I felt that he had to step in and "guide" me rather a lot ... asking questions to lead me in the right direction! And that didn't feel great ...
At one point, I just made such a horrible fool of myself - it was terribly embarrasing! He asked me a question, and I couldn't find the answer, but it was rather tricky. He kept "going around it", trying to find another way for me to come up with the answer - and all of a sudden, my brain just shut down. I couldn't find the answer to ANYTHING, in the end it was stupid questions, a 7th grader could have answered it (well, almost anyway) ... that felt pretty horrible.
But to tell the truth, horrible in a good way ... (yes, I'm tired, so please be patient)!
It did feel stupid and I did feel embarrased - but not at all in a way I would have felt say 2 years ago!
Two years ago, I would have dived into the depression pool over something like this, thinking that I made the worse possible impression by being so extremely stupid and feeling like I wouldn't be able to do anything at all in my entire life.
Now I do feel stupid, yes absolutely because it was such a basic question - but I also know that I really do know the answer, and that I just somehow got completely blocked out ... anybody can do it in any situation (ironically enough, after the exam, we discussed my next course, the professor had a book in mind, but couldn't for the life of him recall the name of the author, no matter how hard he tried! *lol*) - which means that even though it was embarrasing, I feel completely okay with it!

We had other stuff to talk about two, my upcoming course as well as my essays ... and after about 45 minutes, the professor said we should conclude the exam.
I felt ... "okay" (again!), and hoped I would have passed, it kind of felt like I would have passed. The professor said: "Well, I'll have to congratulate you ..." - and my heart raced: that had to mean I had passed, right?!?" - "... to a VG" (which is the "high" of the two grades we have (not counting the failing grade)!
What?!?! How?!?! Why?!?!?! What??????

Looking back to how these first 4-5 weeks of the semester have been, I would never in my life have figured I'd get VG!! No way!! I didn't think I would fail - first of all, it's actually hard to fail on an oral exam (if you have a decent professor/teacher), because the can work their way around your problems, find new ways to approach things etc. so I pretty much hoped I'd pass, and get a G, but no way I thought I'd get VG!
So ... YAY!!!


Today I went to the OT-lecture, spent some time in the library first, checking out a few books for my next course, and after the lecture we had a mentor meeting! I find it difficult to be in control of the meeting - we often end up with some specific question, and while it is good to address their questions, I do have an agenda and a plan, and I kind of feel I should follow it. But I'm also feeling that I get more secure for every meeting we have, and I also think the meetings are working out better and better now ... which is really great!

Have to say I feel thrilled right now - the last two days everything has just turned out wonderful! I'm not saying it'll last forever, because I know it won't, but I'm really happy because I think I have developed a way of actually enjoying those times when they come - seizing the moment - *~* Carpe Diem! *~* - and I think it's important to be able to that! I think it will help you when times get tougher ...

So, now I'm hopefully back on track, things seem to work out now, provided nothing unforseen happens, so I'm hoping to be able to keep this blog - and my other blogs - alive and kicking, and also catch up on other internet activity where I've been slacking now!

Take care guys!

Friday, 20 February 2009

Just A Message!

Hi everyone!

Just a short entry to let you know - I'm in a serious state of PANIC about this stupid exam coming up on Monday! I know I was anxious about the Greek exams, but that was nothing compared to this, that's for sure!!
Anyway, if I'm going to have even the tiniest little chance of passing this exam, I'm going to have to study every single minute I can keep my eyes open, starting now!
Therefore: no blog entries! Sorry, but there's just no way! And besides, what would I write:
"Today I studied."
"I studied more today."
"Now I have done translations."
That pretty much covers what will be going on here for the next three days! :)

So, just letting you know that while I won't be updating here now, I will return when I'm back to keeping a human schedule again!

Seeya, and take care!

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

I'm Back! :)

I apologize for my absence lately - the weekend wasn't really great at all, lots of things going on that were too good. I had my usual "come-back-day" yesterday, I had a headache so I didn't go to Uni, but I still managed to get some stuff done, both practically and emotionally, and that usually puts me back on track again.

Today I had an Old Testament lecture and mentor meeting, apart from my own studies of course.
The lecture was okay, but I more and more feel I need to make an effort and really be there for when they go through new stuff. It's the BEST repetition for me, and I can clearly see that it helps me a lot when I'm working with my own texts. It's easy to think you can skip lectures when you're not really required to be there (since I'm mentor I'm required to be at one lecture every week, but that's all), but I really really want to try to be there for pretty much all the lectures.

We had so much to do today, that we didn't even get a break in the middle, and that was quite tough. I had the beginning of a headache this morning, and trust me when I say it didn't get better. I had hoped for the break, to get some extra coffee and water and a bit of a break, but no such luck.
We finished right after 12 and were supposed to have the mentor meeting straight afterwards. I had to get the coffee and cookies and stuff, and everybody needed 5 minutes after the intense lecture - and when I got back the students had ended up in a discussion with our teacher. A discussion/talk that lasted 30 minutes! *yikes* I had planned to stop the meeting at 1, since I had a horrible headache and I really need to focus on my own studies! But I realized that wouldn't happen after that little delay! :)

The mentor meeting was good, I think they do work out now, really! I feel more comfortable, and it seems there's been a group of 5 students that come every time! Naturally, there's good if more people come, but if these five come, I will be satisfied. I like them, they function as a group, and there are enough of them to actually DO things!
I do have some other thoughts regarding the mentor-thing, but I really don't feel comfortable writing about all of that in a public blog. There might be an entry in my personal blog and/or personal messages to my friends, because I have a feeling I'll need other's thoughts, opinions and views on this.

My headache developed into the beginning of a migraine - and as soon as I could stop the mentor meeting (3 of the students decided to stay though!) I had to go home ... which wasn't my plan! I stuffed myself with pills, but the headache stuck with me, and I haven't had a chance to get started on my studies until it was about 6 p.m. NOT good!!

Tomorrow I won't go to Uni. There are no OT lectures tomorrow, and I have to get a haircut around lunch tomorrow, so I don't have to get up really early. I feel pretty okay, I got about an hour's sleep when I got home, so I'm hoping to get a lot of stuff done tonight (drinking coffee now too) ... because I'm seriously getting a panic over this exam.
It will be on Monday afternoon and I'm more anxious about this exam than I have been in a long time ...

Well, back to studies now!

Thursday, 12 February 2009

A Really Good Day!

I've had a really good day though, even though I do feel I should do more studying tonight and I'm SO tired I can barely see the computer screen in front of me ...

But first things first. I had thought I'd go to Uni today, and attend the last half of the OT-lecture mostly because I think that when the teacher runs through the new stuff, it's really great repetition for me. The morning was mostly 'strange', so I decided not to rush to Uni. I needed to go anyway, but at least I wouldn't have to rush. I went online and a matter I had been struggling with a lot last night had apparently just solved itself when I logged on, so my mood dramatically improved. In fact, it improved so much I decided to go anyway, which meant *STRESS*!!
I managed to get to Uni in time, and I had a little chat with the teacher first. He was thrilled that I wanted to come, and that feels really good to hear. Unfortunately today he'd moved the 'new stuff' to the first half of the lecture (and he'll probably continue to do so), but I figured once I was there, I could just stay anyway. From now on, I'll try to make it to the first half though, because hearing him explain stuff is actually more rewarding for me than listening to the other students reading, translating and analyzing Hebrew sentences.

After the lecture, I started talking to the teacher and we had this totally amazing conversation! We got started on the Old Testament, on my courses this semester (he actually started reciting Ecclesiastes - that I'm doing a reading course on now - to me in Hebrew! *LOL*), on the new education system (which we both hate), and we just seem to think alike on a lot of stuff!! He also hinted that he wanted to start - probably this fall - an 'unofficial' reading/seminar group, for students who have taken Hebrew and want to keep it alive (there are no continuing courses now, in the new system, unless you count reading courses and essays, and they are very special), and I pretty much jumped out of my skin!!!! That was such a fantastic idea, I felt like hugging him! Well, almost anyway! :)
Later on we met up with another student from the course, and we just kept talking and talking and talking ... for an hour!!! Yikes!!! :)
It was really nice though, and I enjoyed it a lot!

I did some studying in the library before having a personal meeting with my mentor supervisor. We have a joint mentor-thing tomorrow, but I felt I wanted to talk to her in person today, partly about the meeting, where she attended, to hear her comments, but I also had something else I wanted to discuss with her. This other thing might pretty much solve itself though, so we just agreed I should wait and see on that! But I got some good feedback on the meeting, and some constructive things on what to do in the future so that was really good.

I did have a headache, despite my good day, so when I was finished, at 3 p.m. I decided to go home and cure my headache. It took a while, but I've at least gotten some studying done tonight. I am so horribly tired though, and I'm thinking, maybe I need to switch day and night a little. I get really really tired around 9 p.m. - and I mean so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. The question is if I should try to go to bed that early (even though it always takes me about 2-2½ hours from when I go to bed to when I fall asleep, because Zorro thinks that's the funniest time to play aorund ... *sigh*) - and get up really early instead?!?!
I usually function better in the morning, so that might be an idea. Go to bed between 9 and 10 p.m. and constantly set my alarm for 3.50 or 4 a.m.?!?! Might work. Even though I have a lengthy morning routine, that should make me be able to study for at least 2-3 hours effectively before I need to go to Uni! Not bad ...

And with that said - I'm off to bed! :)
Good night everyone!

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Blog-Thing Working!

I actually do think I've gotten the blog-thing working again. It's been hard for me blogging like I used to these past weeks, but I have a feeling I've gotten back into it today!

I stayed at home today which was really nice after the intense day yesterday. I have managed to clean my appartment - yay - and also gotten at least some studying done. I hate the fact that you're never ever happy with what you do when you're a student ... you can always do more ... but right now I'm starting to feel really, really nervous about this course.
I had a smiliar exam last June (for another teacher but in the same subject), and while I passed, I really was walking a fine line ... and of course I'm feeling terrified it will be the same again this time ... *gulp*
I think one reason that I'm feeling this way is that I know I've been studying FAR to little right now, and it's a really big exam. I don't have any excuses for not studying - sure, January was pretty horrible (and it's had some aftereffects too), and I have been focusing a lot on the mentor thing ... but that doesn't mean I can't study for my own exams, I simply have to make them work as well.

I wish I could say I'd lock myself in an empty room for the next week or so, and study more or less 24/7, but unfortunately that won't work. I still have lectures to attend, mentor meetings to plan and lead, other meetings to attend, I REALLY need to get a haircut SOON (I look like a scarecrow at the moment, it's terrible) ... and all of those things take up time and energy too! *sighing*
Guess I'll have to do whatever I can and hope for the best, right?! *trying to smile a little*

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Crazy And Good Day!

My day feels rather insane actually, even though it's been good - and this afternoon I've been soooo tired!! I really really really should have cleaned my appartment tonight, but there's just No Way!

But I guess I'd better start at the beginning! :)
I debated with myself this morning, which train to take, but I was tired then as well, and decided I could take the later train! Which was in itself late ... I usually accept those things, becuase I know there's nothing I can do about it - no matter how mad I get, the train won't come sooner, but I'm totally starting to loose my patience now. I think the owner-ship of the company changed or something - because there's been some changes made recently ... among other things the fact that the trains are never on time!!
This meant I was kind of late for Uni, I arrived at the Department at about 9.55, the lectures starts at 10.15, and I did have a few things to do before that!! As soon as I arrived I met a guy from the OT-course, and since I'm mentor, I just can't brush people off, but I felt completely stressed out! I made the conversation as short as I could, rushed in and started a pot of coffee. While the coffee was in the making I rushed down to the student union (in the basement *lol*) and borrowed cups and spoons ... rushed back to my coffee and fixed all the stuff for the mentor meeting and stuck it in a bag.
Wehn upstairs to the second level, I had planned to get some copies made for the mentor meeting, but when I got up there, it was 10.12, so ... no!
Instead I went on the lecture, but - and I hate to admit it - didn't pay much attention to what was going on. I had my mind full of mentor-meeting planning, checking the handout I was going to copy and check out an attendance list for the mentor meeting ...
Before I knew it, the teacher called for a break. I suddenly realized that I had made surveys for the students about the mentor meeting - so I quickly gave a yell and handed them out, before rushing out to get my copies done. After that I had to make a run for the coffee and stuff downstaris, but managed to get it all fixed in 10 minutes! *stress*
Second half of the lecture, I was too curious about the surveys to concentrate, I just had to check them out! :) Overall, I don't think I could have done much more than I have about getting people to come ... those who don't show up, just don't seem to want to ... and I can't do anything about that!

The teacher was a little late, and I actually saw my mentor supervisor outside, so that felt a bit embarressing, but I could hardly be blamed for the teacher not sttopping in time ... :)
Anyway, as soon as he was done, I made a call for the mentor meeting and headed out to greet my supervisor ... and tried to see if anybodoy would show up for the meeting! :)
I have to say that while things are not running super-smooth with the whole mentor thing, each meeeting is better than the previous - at least that's the way I feel.
There were five students there today, which is a decent turnout, since they were 2 or 3 last time. I was really nervous about my supervisor being there, but I really did feel like I handled it in a good way. I was able to actually lead the meeting - which is really what I'm there to do, but I have a hard time taking the initiative and actually being the leader. We went through a general discussion and I had my excercise with verbforms, which I think they appreciated! :) In fact, things were going so well, that all of them stayed ... finally my supervisor had to go because she had a seminar, but we actually kept the meeting going for over 1½ hours!!! And I got some positive feedback on the excercise, which feels really great!!

I really wish I had gotten the chance to talk to my supervisor, but she had to rush ... I do hope I'll get an opportunity later in the week though. There are some purely practical issues we need to discuss, and I also would like to hear her constructive thoughts on the meeting, also take up some stuff I have doubts about ...

I didn't get home until it was 3.30, and I have been completely exhausted ... which is SO NOT GOOD!! I do realize the mentor-thing is taking waaaay to much energy now, and I'm really starting to worry about my own exam. I'm thinking about staying home tomorrow, I still need to be 200% focused and getting things done, but it would be nice not having to worry about getting ready and having to watch the clock all day ....
But I'm definitely in for an early night tonight, that's for sure!

Monday, 9 February 2009

Wishing Tomorrow Was Over!

While I'm generally stressed out at the moment and wonder how on Earth I'm going to manage the next two weeks, today and tomorrow will be the worse days this week at least ... so I'm just hoping tomorrow will be gone soon, so I can leave that behind me ...

I went to Uni early this morning, to try to charm the copier ... and I think I kind of succeeded. At least it gave me what I wanted, so that's a good thing, right?! :) A bit of trouble around that though, since the first Theology seminar (with the professor I got the not-so-nice email from) took place just next to the copier - and I so did not want to meet the professor. Due to some hiding and turn-abouts, I managed to avoid him, and get my copies.
After that off to the big library to get my last book for the reading course - which was HUGE! *yikes* Still feeling very stressed out about this course right now, and getting more panic by the minute.

I got some studying in before the Old Testament lecture at 10 - and I do have mixed feelings about those lectures. I like attending them a lot, because it is a GREAT way to get back into the Hebrew way of thinking again - after having studied Greek really intensly for a whole semester - but on the other hand, I don't get much out of listening to the others trying to get their sentences out ... I had a thought of maybe attending more than one or two lectures a week, because it really is GREAT repetiton - but I don't know right now. Guess I'll have to make a decision on a daily basis at least for now.

After the lecture, I had a sallad for lunch, and I did some studying in the library! At about 2, I met Maria and we went for coffee. She was our mentor during the Greek course, and in true mentor-spirit she had brought coffee and cake ... *lol* It was totally nice, and I hope we can do it again soon!

I did some more studying and went home about 4 p.m. Tried to get rid of a headache, realized I had to bake something for tomorrow's mentor meeting (and I hate to say this, but I really don't like doing anything in the kitchen - baking, cooking, doing dishes, I really dislike all of it!), so I managed to get my act together and do that.
And then I realized I had an excercise in mind for tomorrow's mentor meeting, but I had to prepare for that, and it turned out to be a lot easier said than done ...
I think I have gotten it right now, but I have to make new plans for tomorrow, because I'd rather like to run the exercise by the OT-teacher, so I don't do anything stupid on the mentor meeting - like teaching the students the wrong things ... would so NOT be good.

Now I'm trying to ... well, blog, obviously, calm down after today, think and prepare about tomorrow (a new date with the copier, fixing everything for the mentor meeting, actually leading the mentor meeting, and also handle the fact that my mentor-supervisor will attend the meeting *gulp*), and I really SHOULD get some more studying done tonight! *yawning*

Take care, guys!

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Gathering Strength!

I have in some way gotten over the Friday-email-incident ... though not completely! Or rather, I can function again now, but I still feel really sad and upset about what he said.

Now I am however trying to look forward to next week, mostly tomorrow and Tuesday, which will be the 'heavy days'.
Lots of stuff going on tomorrow, and I don't really have the energy to run through all the details here. Basically I'm going to an Old Testament lecture, and I have to handout a survey to the students, to see if I can get to the bottom of why they are not turning up on the mentor meetings. For that to happen I have to arrange a date with the copier before the lecture - and in case you didn't know, I'm terrified of any kind of machinery, as they tend to broke or stop working or more or less explode when I get my hands on them ... but I don't think I have a choice tomorrow.
I also have to visit a larger University library to get a book for my current course, I have to get some serious studying done in our library, and hopefully - as one good thing of the day - I'm going for coffee with a friend!! *fingers crossed*
There are a few other incidents I have to deal with as well tomorrow, so I'm thinking that will be a pretty tough day!

On Tuesday again is the OT lecture and then the mentor meeting. This time the supervisor will attend, and even though I haven't gotten that far in my preparations yet, I have a feeling that will be a major stress factor which will raise my anxiety levels drastically. I am glad I have spoken to her about the problems I'm having, but it will still feel like she's there "judging" me and what I do ....

And, of course, LOADS of studying! I'm planning to spend as much time as I possibly can at the Department library, because even though I tend to get really tired in there (the air is terrible), at least I get more done than when I'm at home ...

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Saturday, 7 February 2009


I really wanted to write something here yesterday, to try to get back to my once-a-day system of blogging, but there was just no way possible I could bring myself to do it.

I've had some issues regarding this semester at Uni, there has been lots of confusion regarding essays and seminars and whatnot, and I finally felt that it had been sorted out. Granted, there was an exception made for me, which allowed me to only follow the Old- and New Testament seminars, and not the Theology one. I know why I should follow the Theology seminar, and I do accept that, but the fact was that when I planned this semester, and applied for my courses, and had no idea whatsoever that it would be handled like this. When you look at the way I have planned my semester, I don't think it would be possible to follow the Theology seminar (which is quite different to the OT/NT one), I just wouldn't be able to make it work,

I thought I had cleared all of this with 'my' professor, but toward the end of last week I realized I was still on the Theology seminar mailing list. I felt like I should take my responsibility and once and for all clear this with the Theology professor as well. My OT professor had talked to him about me, but I haven't had contact with him.
I sent him an email, just telling him what had been decided, and since the two professors had been discussing this, I figured it was actually they who had decided.

His reply was fairly devastating ...
He basically told me that, while he wouldn't force me to come to his seminar, he felt the whole concept was very wrong. I was going about the essay in the wrong way doing it like this, I was doing a specializing (is that even a word?!) that I am not supposed to with this essay, I was depriving the other students in the seminar my work, by staying away from the seminar.
He called me an unambitious student and indicated that I was being lazy and opting for the easy-way-out by doing this.
And that hurt.
A lot.

I have always been a person who takes pride in her work. I would rather not hand in an assignment, than hand in a bad one. I work hard and sure, there are things I cope badly with - but I would never see myself as unambitious and lazy!! Quite the opposite, I don't like those characteristics and I work hard at not being like that myself.
Ever since I came back from my sickleave I have been working my ass off to make a go of my University studies, and I do want to make a good job, and make a good impression. I want to continue with post-graduate studies, I want to stay in this environment, this is going to be my future ... and hearing that you're not applying yourself, that you don't care, and that you just want to get away with as little work as possible ... that hurts a lot.

It's been rough getting through this entry, I was extremely down yesterday, and I'm still having a very hard time getting something done today! That in itself will be getting consequences, because I should be studing 24/7 right now, if I'm going to cope with this semester ...

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Mixed Feelings!

For some reason, I can't seem to get this blog going the way I want it to right now. Don't quite know why either, which is very annoying! I liked it when I updated it every day, more or less, and just made it a general record of what was going on in my life - but for some reason that hasn't happened in quite a while.
One reason, I guess, is that January 2009 was quite turbulent for me, and I didn't feel like writing about everything here - at times I felt like I could write about things after having gotten some distance to it but instead I felt I had to give a lot of backstory ... and it mostly ended up being confusing!
I hope I can find my way back to the way I used to keep this blog, because I was really happy with that! *fingers crossed*

Okay, what's been going on today! Not much in the practical sense, perhaps, but all the more in the emotional. I had to cancel Tuesday's mentor meeting, so I moved it to today instead, and that's what pretty much everything circles around right now.

I went to Uni pretty early this morning and started preparing for coffee and stuff. The lecture started at 10.15, and it's quite a strange feeling sitting there now. Part of me really enjoys it, this is so totally my subject and I really love working with the Hebrew language. But another part of me can't help but feel a bit ... well, bored to be honest. The level of the students vary, which is perfectly normal, but it does take a long time for them to get through the prepared sentences every day, and I don't find that very rewarding - which isn't so strange either, I think. I also have to get used to another teacher, and it takes a while adjusting! This new guy is terrific and he's really friendly and I like him a lot - but I was a true disciple to the previous teacher - who had been teaching Hebrew for 33 years straight (!!), and it does take a while before you get used to a different teaching-technique.
When we had a break I rushed down to the Student Union (in the cellar *lol*) to borrow some cups and spoons. Luckily a girl I know the Greek course was there (she's active in the Student Union), so it was quite all right to borrow some stuff. Took that with me, along with coffee and the rest, back to the classroom for the second half of the lecture.

When we ended I made a comment that we were going to have a mentor meeting, and I started to leave first. Our teacher came up to me, we talked a little about the course, when he suddenly stated: "It's so good to have you as a mentor on this course!" I was quite stunned because I haven't at all felt like a success, but he went on to tell me he'd been sceptic when he first heard about it, but felt I was a real assett and an inspiration ... Wow .... *add smile here* :)
He tried to tell them that it was good if they came to the mentor meeting ... but of course ... they didn't! *sigh*

I can't help but feel that something has gone wrong since there are so few coming! Now I know a few students who couldn't make it because I had changed the day - but today they were three ... and one of them left after a while!
The whole mentor thing is about working together, in a group - how do you make groups out of 2 or 3 people - it just doesn't work!!! They keep telling you that a mentor is not a teacher, so you shouldn't go around answering questions, but instead help the students to find the answers themselves. That sounds really great, and I totally buy that, but I can't seem to make it work.
I sit there with two rather insecure students who wonder how they are going to study, what they should prioritize, why the grammar works the way it does - how can I NOT answer there questions?!?!?!!?

This was indeed frustrating, and after the meeting when I was done cleaning up, I found the mentor-supervisor and decided to be totally open about this!! She didn't have much time, but she was really nice about this. She also, of course, felt it wasn't good - but she didn't yell at me about, she gave me some constructive ideas to test etc. and that feels really good.
We're having the next meeting on Tuesday, and she's coming for a visit then (she visits all the mentor groups one time), and then we'll decide on a time when we can sit down and have a proper chat about this. Meanwhile I'm going to write a survey and hand out to them on Monday, asking questions about the mentorship, why they aren't going, what they would like to get out of it etc. and hopefully that can help me get more people to come!

As the title indicates, I have very mixed feelings about today! The whole attendance thing is very disturbing and frustrating and I do worry about that. But on the other hand, the comment from the teacher, the talk with the supervisor, and also the fact that I myself feel a lot more relaxed and not so anxious at the meetings, feels really great!
Very confusing!!

I've decided to stay home tomorrow, and I have three full days to get onto my own courses - which is much needed right now! I have to know 10 pages Hebrew text and (over) 1000 pages of literature for an oral exam for the Head of the Faculty on February 20th. *gulp*
So, now I'm going to take an early night and hopefully get started early tomorrow morning!

Take care!

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Weekend Issues!

Seems like I cannot make the weekends work the way I want to, no matter how hard I try! And that is of course frustrating on Sunday evening!
I think my problem is that I know I have to do a lot of stuff during the weekends - because keeping up with the basics during the weeks (Uni, lectures, basic studying, cleaning, cooking etc) drains me of all my energy - and at the same time I feel I don't have the energy to be efficient during the weekends either!!
And that is well and truly a problem!!

I'm studying more than full-time now, actually 125% this semester - and that would mean that I have to study 10 hours a day five days a week. And I do NOT study 10 hours every weekday, that's for sure. And that only leaves the weekend. And on top of studies, and all the usual stuff, I have my work as a mentor. It's said to be 3½ hours a week, but since I'm new to it, I'm nervous about it and I want to make a good job of it, I'd say I spent 5-6 hours a week ... I don't mind much, but that still means I have to do a lot during the weekends.
And obviously I'm not!

I guess there's no point going on and on about it now though, the weekend is over, tomorrow is another day, (another week) and another destiny! :)

I just hope I'll be able to get a working routine going, because I'll definitely need it to make a go of this semester!

I hope you all had a great weekend!
Take care!