9 months. Loved Always. Missed Forever.

I can't quite grasp the fact that it's been nine months since I said goodbye to Zorro and walked out of the pet clinic alone ... I know they say grieving takes time, and I am living through that now, but I am amazed at how crystal clear all my thoughts and memories of Zorro are.
I'm not complaining, quite the opposite!! Right after he died I was SO scared that the memory of him would eventually fade away, and I am realizing that is not the case.
But sometimes I'm almost frightened at how intense the memories are ... mostly when I go to bed at night. Since I got back home after the summer I haven't been sleeping well, and every night when I turn the lights out, no matter how tired I am, I am thrown into some virtual reality or a huge 360 degrees movie theatre where I'm seeing Zorro ... and not just seeing him, I can see every detail of his fur, I can see his teeth, I see the black little spot he had in his eye and the green insurance marker they stapled his ear with. I can hear him in surround sound, and I feel his body against mine, I feel his soft fur on my hands, I feel his tongue licking my face, I feel his paws on my shoulders when we were hugging.

It is difficult to deal with the grief when the memories of Zorro are still so vivid and alive - and yet, like I said, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I always knew we had a strong bond between us. Already when my Mum had both Zorro and his brother Zimba, I always got along better with Zorro, for some reason. And the bond between us has only grown stronger and stronger over the 10½ years we got together. I knew we had something special between us, and I think I tried to value the time we had and tried not to waste it - but it's just now, after he's passed away, that I'm realizing just how strong the bond between us was.
We always had each other, and in a way we were quite alike. I am a very private person, and while I have become more outgoing lately, there are certain things I cannot share with ANYONE ... but in a way I shared them with Zorro (of course, I didn't outright talk to him about them but we still shared them in a way). And Zorro was very social and outgoing and loved having people around him ... but he never relaxed in anyone's lap but mine, and he never ever purred with anyone except with me.
So when it was rough for one, or both, of us, we had this; "It's us against the world"-thing, and I don't think I quite realized that until after he was gone ...

While the grief sometimes is knocking me to my knees (both figuratively and literally speaking!), I still hope the memory of Zorro will always be as alive and as clear in my mind as it is right now. I feel like I owe him that.

R.I.P. My Love.
Zorro - 5 July 1997 ~ 15 November 2010
Loved Always.
Missed Forever.

Sad Day ...

5 July 1997 ~ 5 July 2011
This would have been Zorro's 14th birthday.

My thoughts have been with Zorro all day today, and I still feel very sad and very upset that I've lost him. I know it was a long time ago, and I know that I'm coping with my life, but as soon as I allow myself to think about him, I get all torn up inside. I still, after all this time, can't grasp the fact that I'll never ever see him again, that I'll never be able to touch him, to hold him, to hear him ...

I figured, before this happened, that I'd be devastated once I had to get used to life without Zorro - after all, I did have time to "get used to" the idea, as Zorro was quite old when he died. But not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how difficult it would be!!
I don't think it took me very long to realize and accept Zorro's death - but I still haven't been able to realize and accept my life without him ... there is actually a great difference between the two ...

As I was going through my digital photos today, I was sad to see there are hardly any photos of me and Zorro together! :( I know my Mum took some photos about 7 years ago, but that was before I had a digital camera so I don't have those pictures in the computer ... apart from that there are very few photos actually ... and most of the ones I have are pictures of me and Zorro with my Dad and his family, where all of us are standing together - so I basically have to crop the photos a lot to get just me and Zorro! :(
I'll share pretty much all of these photos I have (I think there might be one or two more, but I'm not sure ...).

11 years!

Today is a bit of a sad day for me.
Exactly 11 years ago, Zorro came to live with me, and of course I think about him a lot!! My Mum had gotten both Zimba and Zorro but after she moved and the cats were let out on a netted porch, things started to go badly ... I have always suspected that Zorro had an over-production of some hormone, like adrenaline or testosterone, because he tended to be a bit more hyper than was really normal.
This showed itself for example by the fact that he couldn't be around other cats (except for his brother, Zimba) ... he went really crazy when he saw another cat. And when they were out on the porch and another cat would come by, Zorro obviously couldn't get at the 'intruder', so he lashed out at the one he could get at: Zimba. The fights turned really nasty and we decided I would take Zorro and Mum would keep Zimba - and in retrospect, I think it was the best thing we could have done, for all four of us!
I actually "bought" Zorro from my Mum, she got four Swedish Crowns for him, one Crown for each paw! :-) And he moved in with me on June 9, 2000 ...

I remember being really scared he wouldn't adapt properly and that he'd feel neglected, so I basically spent the first couple of days carrying him around in my arms! Zorro and I had gotten along better than Zimba and I did, even when my Mum had them both, but I think Zorro and I really truly bonded during those days - after that he always wanted to be in my lap, he was usually laying on my arm like an infant! :-)7

I miss him so much! Every time I think of him, every time I see him in my head, feel his soft fur or wet nose, every time I hear him, it's like someone ran a knife through my heart. It's been nearly seven months now, and while I know that a lot can happen and that "time heals all wounds" and whatnot, I find it very difficult to see myself ever getting another cat. I'm not saying I'll never have animals again, but I can't see it being a cat ever again!

I think Zorro will always be THE Cat for me ...
I Will Always Love You.

Happy Birthday Grandmother!

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to my Grandmother (Dad's side), who would have turned 100 years old today!

She was indeed a fantastic lady, who made the most out of a difficult life! She passed away after many many years of illness and injuries in 1995, but she gathered a lovely family around her and she lived to see four children, ten grandchildren and four great-grandchildren.
I think what I remember most about her is her genuine and complete kindness in everything. She always put everyone else before herself and always wanted to do what was best for everyone, I don't think she ever had a selfish thought in her.
When I was really little, she used to come out to us in the summerhouse (she didn't live very far from there) with her little car completely stacked with bread and she filled up our freezer! When I was about 5 or 6 I guess, we had gotten a little guest house and I had a blast when my grandmother used to come and she and I stayed in the guest house over night, while my Mum and Dad slept in the big house! :-) She used to bring candy, and we'd stay up really late ... eating candy AFTER having brushed our teeth! (A five-year-old's rebellious dream, right? LOL).

When I got older, like ten or something, I would take the bus from our home-town to my grandmother, who lived about one hour away - that was a big adventure for me! :-) My parents put me on the bus, and she'd come and get me, and I felt SO grown-up, having gone there all by myself!

I still miss her so much, even though it's been ... oh my God, it's been 16 years since she passed away!! I wish she knows how deeply appreciated and loved she was by everyone. I know we have a tendency to not express that clearly, and I know I didn't (I guess I could say I was "too young", even though I don't think that's really an excuse) - and I just wish she knows.

You are very loved and missed Grandmother!

Two Difficult Days ...

I have been having two rather difficult days now - I'm really not in a great shape at the moment, and am mostly hoping for a better tomorrow now ...

Yesterday was mostly strange, and most of what I did felt weird and wrong and generally strange. What did work out was a meeting with Elisabet to write our mentor report! We have to summarize the work we have done during the semester, a little about statistics and how we have felt regarding the mentor meetings and such, and it felt good to get that done. Now all we need to do is print it out and sign it, and then hand that and a few other things in to our supervisor.

I had a really long day yesterday, and I wasn't home until after 7 p.m., completely exhausted and with a headache ... which I think mostly came from the feeling of not getting done what I had planned and hoped.

And then I made a mistake, actually without even knowing about it! I have recently found some blogs of really old friends or acquaintances ... Some people I knew when I was a kid and from school, and now some of them have gotten "family blogs". I read one of them yesterday and basically broke down completely. I had forgotten the fact that I'd heard they had gotten two cats a while back, Somalis, just like Zorro was. And now there were photos of one of the cats with their baby boy ... and it was Zorro!! I have always felt attracted to the Somali breed and I've seen pictures of LOTS and lots of Somali cats and none of them have even come close to looking a great deal like Zorro (even Zorro's brother, Zimba, didn't look like him that much) - but this was a copy! If you'd cropped the picture I couldn't for the life of me say that that wasn't Zorro!

I haven't had problems with seeing my own photos of Zorro since he passed away, but seeing this cat in a completely different context and somehow knowing it wasn't Zorro yet it looked JUST like him ... it just blew me away!

My headache almost turned into a migraine, and I didn't sleep at all ... maybe dozed a little ... and woke up with a really really severe headache that I haven't managed to get rid of all day! I have tried everything, and then some, but I'm still in pain ...:(
I was supposed to spend the entire day at Uni, as well as having lunch with Elisabet, but there was no way - I've basically spent the entire day in bed ...:(

There's not much I can do about it now, but it sure does mean that the rest of the day will be more complicated ... and now I'm mostly hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight AND that I won't be in this much pain tomorrow ... *fingers crossed*

5 Months - Difficult Day

Today it's been exactly 5 months since Zorro died ... and while I realize some people may think I should be over this now, I'm not! I can function, I can go through certain parts of a day without thinking about him, or how much I miss him - but whenever I do think about him (and I do, a lot - and I don't want to stop!) it feels like someone is cutting my heart open with a knife!

Five months is quite a long time - and yes, in most aspects of my practical life I am getting used to him not being there. It's not the same torture to come home alone now, with no one waiting for you at the door, with no one demanding your attention, with no one feeling happy that you are home again. And I can sleep in the bedroom now, which was completely impossible the first month after his death - I can go to bed alone now ...
But the knowledge that I will never ever see him again, never hear him, never feel him, it's just killing me - it's tearing me up inside and it is a wound that is nowhere near healing yet.

Unfortunately (I guess) I had a pretty heavy day today! While I do love what I'm doing at the moment, and I generally feel things are working out now, better than before, I can't help but wish I could have had a day today where I didn't have to do anything.
I had a slow morning, which I think was good, I needed to prepare in order to cope with this day.
I went to Uni around 10 and met Elisabet when I got to the Department! We fixed the coffee and stuff for our mentor meeting and we had lectures at 11. These texts are really interesting and there were also some grammatical issues raised. I'm usually very interested in that and I feel I do know a fair bit of Hebrew grammar now - but I felt these issues came at the wrong time ... I was completely off today and I think I could have done a lot more of it if I had been feeling better.

At 1 we had the mentor meeting and our mentor supervisor came to visit, she stayed for about half of the meeting. The attendance has improved which is so much fun, both last week and today we had seven students which is amazing (there were a few meetings where there were two of them!) and it opens up for really constructive discussions! Overall I felt the meeting went really well, and it was a nice balance between the students own initiatives and our planning - and hopefully the students got something out of it too!

After the meeting I managed to get a book I've been wanting for a while now, and the timing couldn't have been better. It's a book the OT students have to read, called "Creation and the persistence of evil" by Jon Levenson. I really should have read it last year, for the essay I was writing, but I didn't have the time. I think the theme is really exciting and it so happens that the OT course will have a seminar on this book on Monday. It's been a bit difficult to obtain, but I managed to get it today, so with a bit of speed reading over the weekend, hopefully I can follow the seminar discussion on Monday, even though I'm not supposed to take active part in it!

I haven't gotten anything done this afternoon, but considering what day it is and how I feel, I'm not surprised, and I'm not beating myself up about it either ... I guess all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow! Naturally, all the feelings I have for Zorro are still there, it's just that on special occasions or when I really think about him or come across something that really remind me of him, I tend to loose control completely!
I can make things work if I don't think about him, but every time I do, I go to pieces. And I don't want to go the rest of my life actively trying to not think about him ...

I did get a text message from Sara and Johanna tonight, they wanted us to finally get together again!!! YAY! It was ages since we saw each other and it always seems like one of us can't make it if we plan something! At least it seems like we can all meet on April 29 and I'm SO looking forward to that!!!

I don't really think I'll get any sleep tonight, but I'm hoping for some constructive personal writing will help, at least it gives me a chance to really vocalize what I feel and hopefully make some sense of it. Even though it doesn't make my feelings go away, it tends to make it easier to deal and cope with them ...

I found this graphic when I was going through all my computer files to transfer to my new computer ... I had actually forgotten I had made it, but now I love it - even though it breaks my heart to know that the team is now broken up ....

Grief

This is a difficult entry for me, I have thought about writing it for a long time but I have also debated with myself whether I really should write it, or just let it be.
Obviously I have decided to write it now, but that doesn't make it any the less difficult.

I am still very much grieving for Zorro - and for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't. On March 15 it will have been four months since I said my last good bye to him and somehow I feel like it is expected of me to have, at least to a great extent, moved on now. That it is okay for me to miss him, but it's not really okay to feel grief - that painful sharp overwhelming grief - but I do still feel that.
I don't think I go through much more than an hour at a time, without thinking about Zorro, and it hurts, it hurts more than I can describe.

I personally think that I haven't had time to deal with this grief in the way that I need to. I did get about a month right after Zorro died, but during that time I felt it was enough just trying to survive. But since Christmas, I have had to push all thoughts and feelings aside, or else I was afraid I was going to break down completely.
I spent Christmas with my families, and naturally, Christmas is supposed to be a fun holiday, you can't let anything on in front of the kids etc. When I got back home I had to finish an exam in record time (on a course I was totally NOT interested in!), and on top of that deal with all the preparations for the renovations.
When I got my exam done it was basically time for me to move out, and for the next three weeks when I didn't live at home, I had my hands full trying to cope with everyday life.

And now that grief has caught up with me ... I am in so much pain over Zorro, and I can't help but feeling, I don't know, like there's something wrong with that. I don't feel like it's "okay", generally speaking, to be as upset as I am - meaning I'm trying to live my life like "everything is fine" - but it isn't. I'm constantly having minor breakdowns over this, and I still can't quite grasp the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without Zorro - without feeling him, without hearing him, without talking to him.

I didn't sleep at all last night, when I got in bed, suddenly all the events of November 15 came back, and it was like it happened yesterday. I was amazed at how extremely clear the memory of that day is, still. I remember every tiny little detail, from the telephone call in the morning to my arrival home, empty handed, to a large, empty, silent, dead apartment.

I know every single person handles grief in a different way, and I don't expect everyone to completely understand how I feel, because odds are, I won't completely understand how they are coping with grief. I still felt I wanted to share this, mostly because of this persistent feeling I have that it is somehow "not okay" to be grieving after so long time. But I have to say, I don't feel less grief now than I did in November and December. I can do things, let my life go on, but in many ways I did that back then as well. Granted, I spent a lot of time writing during the second half of November, I basically didn't do much else, except writing, but during December I did do things and "function", at least sort of. And I feel exactly the same way now.
I go to lectures and I read and I plan mentor meetings and I talk to people and I try to deal with the construction workers - but I am in constant pain while doing it - and like I wrote in the beginning ... not much more than an hour can pass, without me thinking about Zorro.

People tell me time heals, and somewhere deep inside I guess I know it does. I guess I just feel like it's expected of me to have healed more than I really have right now.

Renovation Part II: Emotional

Due to quite an intense week, unfortunately the blog hasn't been updated. Hopefully I can take some time this weekend to catch up with it!

This entry will try to focus on the emotional part of this whole renovation mess I've been living in for the past 5-6 weeks - naturally it won't be very detailed as emotions are, at least to me, something very private. But I will try to write something.

I think what has become most evident for me is how much I actually value my home! When I was on sick-leave, my home became my refuge, it was the only place in the world where I could totally relax and where I was completely at ease - at any other place there was at least some kind of anxiety involved, although of course the gravity of it varied.
But since I have been feeling better, I can be relaxed at other places as well. Anxiety has not that big part in my life any more (although some of it has come back lately - but that's another story) and I don't have to be on my toes and feeling anxious as soon as I leave my home.
But still, home apparently means a great deal to me - which became very clear when I was more or less thrown out of my home.

I spent three weeks not living at home, and that was really hard on me. Part of the time, I could borrow Christian's apartment - where I was on my own and could go about my business in the way I wanted - and the rest of the time was mostly spent with my Dad and his family, and I'm used to being there as well ... but it was still hard on me not being around my home, my stuff! (This is not to say I'm not grateful both to Christian and to my Dad for making these arrangements possible, because it made things work out well on a practical level!)
Since this was a reaction I had not anticipated, I also was not at all prepared for it, and probably didn't handle it in a great way ...

Things have been feeling a lot better since I was able to come home - but there is an element of anxiety still, as there has been complications and I've basically had people walk in and out any time between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. to try to fix this and that ... And that makes it hard to relax even when I am at home ... this has made me truly appreciate weekends though! :)

Having to go through this renovation mess has also made it impossible for me to try to really deal with my feelings and emotions. I feel like I have been forced to push things aside and telling myself I'll have to deal with them when things calm down a bit - and that is something that I don't feel good about. Pushing things aside make them pile up inside me and eventually I feel like I'm going to break, both physically and emotionally, because there is so much inside me that I can't let out.
This weekend I think is the first time since Christmas, where I can really sit down and work things through (I write - a lot!), not worrying about anything, just trying to focus on what has been going on and how I'm feeling about everything, and why, and where all my emotions come from, and how I'm going to deal with them.
I still have stuff I need to do, but I truly feel I have to prioritize my writing now, if I'm going to be able to feel better!

I have several other blog entries in mind before I feel I'm back-on-track with the blog, so hopefully I can get my act together and publish them during the weekend.

2 months

I had originally planned to follow up on my 2010-entry with one focusing on what lies ahead during 2011 ... but as soon as this week started I felt like I was stuck in complete chaos, and that entry never happened.
I do hope to make a summarizing entry tomorrow about this week and a bit about what lies head.

Today though, it's been 2 months since Zorro passed away. It's been a difficult day (and a strange one at that!) ... I know I shouldn't try to really write about how I feel, because at the moment I can't seem to know what or how I do feel.
Most people I've been talking to lately keep telling me it's good I'm keeping busy (although I might be a bit too busy right now ...), I need to focus on my life right now, and since things are pretty chaotic I won't get stuck in these intense thoughts and feelings involving Zorro.
And I don't know ... maybe they're right.
I do not feel like they are right, to be honest, but than again - maybe I'm too emotional and maybe I don't know what is best for me.

At the moment I feel a need to focus on Zorro, on remembering him - and I don't get a chance to at the moment. Right after he passed away I kept busy ... there were a lot of practical things to do then - my Mum came here for a visit, I had to tell everyone about what happened etc. When my Mum left I basically broke down and spent pretty much days and days just writing in my diary (and crying). From sometime around mid-December it felt like things were going a little bit better, I had a good meeting with the OT professor, I was at Uni and met a friend that I talked to for quite a while, I was on a really interesting seminar that worked out well etc.
Then I went up north to my families for Christmas holidays - and I didn't get much chance to think about my little darling as things were quite intense. I did miss him a lot there as well, but the only time I could allow those feelings to actually come out was when everyone else had gone to bed and I had some time to myself.

Since I've come back here, I feel like my grief has been worse than before Christmas actually ... and that makes me somehow think that maybe I am the kind of person that need to really dive into the difficult feelings instead of trying to push them aside and focus on other things.

But I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. This has been a long day and I'm tired and have a headache at the moment, so I'm not sure how much sense I'm making right now ...

But fact of the matter is, it has been 2 months and I still feel like I've been torn apart - and it seems impossible to accept the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without Zorro ...

Looking Back: 2010

While it's been 2011 for a little while now, I still would like to summarize 2010, thereby hopefully putting at least some of it behind me and look forward.





In many ways 2010 was not a good year for me, so I can honestly say I'm glad it's over. I had high hopes for 2010 when it started, but now I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I know I could have done a lot of things differently, but there were also a number of things happening I had no control over.

What was basically really good was being mentor for the Old Testament/Hebrew course during the spring semester. This was my second time, and I have to say I felt I had learned a lot from the first time. I felt more secure in my role as mentor and I actually think I did do a better job the second time. We had a lovely group of students in the mentor group and usually about 6 students came every single time (compare that to 2 or 3 the previous year)! I really enjoy the subject and the course so that was one of the highlights of 2010. I also "sort of" followed the New Testament/Greek course, mainly to freshen up my Greek skills for a course I took at the end of the semester, and that was also a lot of fun. I discovered that I learned a lot taking this course for the "second time" and lectures were usually lots of fun and quite interesting.





I also took another course during the spring that caused nothing but problems. I don't have the time or energy to go into detail but for me the course didn't work at all. I found out I didn't have to take it - or so I thought! The whole thing ended up being very messy and I basically talked to everyone at the Department about this, without getting any clear answers. The whole thing wasn't completely solved until mid-September (!!!) and then it was said I had to have the course in order for me to get my Degree. I had a hard time reaching the teachers involved, but now I have finally gotten an exam for the course, it's due back on Monday, January 17th, so by then I REALLY hope I can put this course behind me once and for all.

During the spring my Dad fell quite ill ... he's still not doing well and that has been another hard thing to deal with this past year. Understandably I won't go into detail, but health issues are always difficult to tackle, I think.
I also had a pretty bad accident, where I got second degree burns on parts of my right foot. At first I didn't think it was that bad, but it ended up being worse than I thought, and I spent a month visiting the Health Care Centre every other day, being dressed and bandaged to the hilt! It is completely healed now, thank God, but I have a pretty nasty scar left.

During the fall, I haven't been feeling very well. Things haven't worked out and finally, in late October/early November I finally realized what was going on. Again this feels a bit too personal, but I really discovered a few truths about myself, my past and present, my behaviours and thought patterns - and that was quite a revelation. I was able to really start to make some changes to my life and I felt I was doing a pretty good job of it.

Then came November 15. Well, actually it all started on November 13, when I discovered Zorro was bleeding after having used his litter box. He continued to bleed throughout the weekend and I got an appointment with a vet on Monday afternoon. It didn't take long for her to discovered that in all likelihood he had a large tumour in his stomach ... since this is a difficult diagnose to make with certainty and treatments are not 100% - and Zorro was 13½ years old - the decision itself wasn't hard to make.
I held him as he had a calming shot and later on the fatal shot, and our 10 years-4 months together was over for good.






My Mum came down a few days later to help me with things and I am very grateful for that, for at least it gave life some form of normality after this had happened. I still however, have a very hard time dealing with this grief. At times it is better, I know I have to move on with my life and I think I do - but inside I hurt SO much! I can't really say anything about it, because everything has already been said about grief and it just feels so clichéd to try to say anything ...

The end of the year for me was basically all about Zorro, no matter how hard I tried, I could not let him go in my mind even though, inevitably, life goes on. I know people tell me that the grief will eventually go away, even though I will always miss Zorro - and maybe that's true ... I guess I'll have to get back to you on that. For now, however, the grief is a constant part of my life every single day (if not every single hour) ...

Mainly because I was in such a poor shape to begin with, Christmas holidays were hard to handle this year. While nothing really went wrong, I didn't feel good and didn't cope with the time spent with my families as good as I think I could have, had I been feeling better.

So, like I said in the beginning of this entry - 2010 has not been a very good year. By the looks of things, at least the first half of 2011 will be quite difficult and very demanding for me, but I hope I am mentally better prepared to cope with the difficulties now, and hopefully 2011 will be a better year (I will be back with an entry on what lies ahead later on.).

A Bit Of This And That

I still feel sleep deprived which is starting to take it's toll on me. It's not that I can't sleep, the problem is that I can't fall asleep! It feels like I've tried everything, but so far, no luck! I guess I have to hope that my holiday trip will make things change.

Speaking of which ... I will leave on Wednesday morning to visit my families for the holidays, and I will be back late on January 3rd. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, but it will be tough since it will be my first trip there without Zorro in a long time. It will also be quite difficult to celebrate Christmas without him.

This pas Friday, finally, my Les Misérables in Concert 25th Anniversary DVD finally arrived - yay! :) I got an email on November 24, saying it had been shipped, so I was starting to get seriously worried - but at least it did arrive and of course I watched it almost immediately! :) I won't make a real review of it, after only having seen it once, but I don't think I can help myself from making a few comments!

I love the fact that the 25th anniversary concert is so much longer than the 10th anniversary concert (TAC), they have included almost the entire musical which was fantastic! That being said, I was absolutely horrified to realize they removed "Little People"!! *gasp* I'm in love with the Original London version so I was a bit let down when they changed it to another version - but removing it completely (almost), that's almost criminal, isn't it?
I have to say the stage in general was better than in TAC, more props and set pieces, which made for a better dynamic on stage. Unfortunately I felt that many of the performers didn't quite take advantage of that. They still use microphone stands - is it really that impossible to use head-mics?? - and that made a lot of the cast just "stand there" instead of trying to interact with one another.

It was great to see that they included the speeches at the end (Cameron McIntosh, Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg) - I still will never understand why they removed the TAC speeches from the DVD when they are included in the video.
The finale with the 1985 cast was absolutely amazing! While I think only Michael Ball from that cast are among my favourites, it was fantastic to see them all on stage together - and the four Jean Valjeans (Colm Wilkinson, John Owen-Jones, Simon Bowman and Alfie Boe) was also wonderful (gotta say, that was a really nice version of "Bring Him Home"!)!

Oops, quite a few comments there ...:)
Unfortunately I won't get the chance to watch the DVD any more before I leave, but I will try to watch it and make a proper review when I get back here in January.

While I haven't been at Uni that much lately, I made an appearance there this past Friday. I didn't get that much done, but I managed to borrow a book from the library, and I also ran into an old friend there, that I haven't seen in quite a while. We ended up talking for about an hour, and that was really nice! Not much has been working out at Uni lately, so it came as a bit of a list. We also found out we'll be going to the same seminar tomorrow afternoon.

This weekend has been a bit tough, with regards to Zorro. It goes up and down, which is only natural, I guess... At times, things work, and I can go about my business without constantly thinking about him - but then at times, the grief just stabs me like a knife straight though the heart - and just trying to grasp the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without him, and that I will never ever see him or hear him or feel him ever again ... well, that's what makes me lie sleepless at nights ...

I'm right now in the middle of the last preparations for my trip but I will hopefully be able to update the blog at least once before I leave.
Take care!

4 Weeks ~ 1 Month

Yesterday it was 4 weeks.
Tomorrow it will have been 1 month.
Still finding it hard to believe.

I know there are a lot of people out there who doesn't quite understand this - and naturally everyone handles grief differently and not everyone looks at animals and pets the same way. I get the feeling that I "should be over this by now" ... and I'm not. I know that most people would never say "it's just a pet - it's not so bad" or words to that affect, but somehow that's the feeling I get anyway. And I can't help feeling the way I do. I spent almost every day for ten years and four months with Zorro, occasionally I would leave him for a weekend and a couple of trips to London but that was it ... Also taking into account that for the first say four-five years we had together, I did not feel well at all, I was on sick leave and was home basically 24/7.
We did develop a very deep relationship, and I know several people who spontaneously told me that after having seen us together - and I don't think I will get over his death any time soon.
I know I have to deal with the realities of life, and I think I have started. I felt a bit more in sync with life at the end of last week and naturally life does go on - but I still think I will be grieving for a long time yet.

Up And Down!

I know I basically have at least one picture of Zorro in every entry I make right now, but you are going to have to live with that for the moment. He is almost constantly in my mind, and this is one way for me to share something of him and all my memories ...

Basically, I tend to go on an emotional roller coaster right away. The first completely paralysing grief has passed, I think (though it was very strange in the beginning, so I don't know if I really experienced it then either), but I tend to at times get completely and 100% caught up in grief. This passed weekend and the beginning of this week was like that. I could do nothing at all, I mostly sat in my couch with candles and wrote in my diary non stop - and cried. It's been a lot of crying lately, that's for sure.
Now for the past few days, I have felt better. I am always sad inside and when I remember something very distinctly or come to think of something special I truly hurt, but otherwise I can cope.

The thing is I was on the verge of changing a lot of things in my life before Zorro passed away. I have had a few "revelation-moments" this fall and I really felt like I was about to do some real changes, I had figured out what had gone wrong and I pretty much knew what I had to work with to change it. But since Zorro passed away, all that has been put to a halt. At first, I felt there was no point in trying (and I still have, at times, a bit of that feeling left) - now that I didn't have Zorro, what was there to fight for, what was the point??
I now know, most of the time, that I do need to fight and I do need to work at certain things and I do need to change a lot of things. Hopefully I will be able to start putting my thoughts into action as well.
I have a meeting with my professor today (as I had to cancel Monday when I had my "breakdown"), and I am hoping that a discussion with him also will make it a little bit easier to start working on my life again ...

Everyday Life - 3 Weeks.

I know that my everyday life has to go on now, and in a way I guess it does - but it is difficult ... Today it has been three weeks - and ironically enough I have a meeting with my professor at Uni during the exact hour which was Zorro's last, three weeks ago. I have a feeling I will have some trouble focusing during the meeting.

Like I said, my everyday life is moving on - I have no other choice as you can't stop time, no matter how much you would like to at times. My grief after Zorro tends to vary a lot which is only natural I guess. At times things move along fairly well, and at times I just break down completely. This weekend has for some reason been extremely difficult. I don't know why, but Zorro seems so close to me now, closer I think than he has felt to me since he past away. I tend to relive moments and memories and they are extremely clear and vivid, and it's excruciatingly painful to know I will never experience that in real life again.

As for what the future brings, I don't know. At this point, I cannot plan far ahead, I just don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to do that. I am working on my master's thesis as best I can - which also varies depending on how I feel. What is decided is that I will leave for my Christmas holiday on December 22nd (it's going to be difficult to ride in the Animal's Compartment on the train all the way, but I booked the tickets before Zorro fell ill), and I will probably go back here on January 4th - I will try to book those tickets today.

Finishing off with some photos I took a few days ago - and a few photos to show that it actually has been snowing here, even though there's not that much snow on the ground.

2 Weeks.

It's hard to believe it has been two weeks since Zorro past away.
I'm working at getting back to life, it feels like I've been living in a bubble more or less constantly since it happened. I have never experienced true grief before and certainly everyone deals with it in different ways. For some reason, I seem to make things quite difficult for myself, so I am struggling with a lot of things right now.

I don't really want to go into detail here, partly because it's very hard to put words on what it is I'm feeling and thinking and struggling with. But things have not been very easy the past two weeks, that's for sure. I know I have to "move on", at least in some sense - but that is part of what I'm struggling with.
I know I cannot stay in this bubble forever, and I'm hoping to be able to function in a better way - and also update the blog in a better way in the future.

1 Week

I can't believe it's been one week. One tiny little week. One immensely long week. I guess this entire situation just feels completely unreal, so it's not that strange I have no time conception whatsoever ...
I don't know how to summarize either, because it feels pretty much impossible! My Mum came here on Wednesday, basically a "rescue-operation", and while I think I could have coped without it, it felt really good that she came. I'm an extremely private person, and I cannot share really intense feelings with anyone ... but I think what did help me was the fact that we got some practical stuff DONE - which I probably would have completely ignored if I had been on my own! I got the apartment at least fairly clean before she came, we did a ton of laundry, we did some major grocery shopping and cooking (so I have lots of food stacked away now!) - and we also made more of a fun outing to IKEA in Malmö on Friday ...

On Saturday it was time for mine and Annika's annual Christmas tradition (see entry below), so my Mum and I went to Gothenburg together, and when I met Annika, my Mum went on home.

I think the main thing I'm feeling, besides the complete and total emptiness and loneliness that comes with missing someone close to you, is an extreme fear of forgetting!! I know I will forget, time inevitably causes you to forget, and I don't want to forget!! I guess some people will say I'm torturing myself for nothing, but I don't see it that way ... I don't care how much it hurts (and it hurts A LOT!), I do NOT want to forget anything about Zorro!!!
I've come across with people who deal with sorrow in a manner that is basically 'forget-and-move-on' - and that is totally not me! I think they feel that if you "get on with your life" and go about your normal business, the pain will be less. Maybe it will, but I still don't ever ever ever want to forget ... and I'm really scared because I know that the more time that will pass, the foggier the details will be.
I mean, I will always remember specific incidents regarding Zorro - when we visited my Dad and his family, when we were in the summerhouse, his train trips etc. - but it's the ordinary daily routines that I'm scared to forget. They were so natural for such a long time, and I know that when I start developing new routines that doesn't involve him (which I already have!), the old routines will fade!
I'm trying to write as much as possible in my diary about these ordinary things (such as the fact that we had our very own language!! *smiling!*), so at least I will have it there .... but it's still extremely difficult to know that all these little things that have been a part of my life for the past 10 years will just fade away ...

I know I have to "get on with my life", which at the moment is extremely stressful, especially regarding studies ... but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that! I have written almost all day today, but I probably won't have time to go through all I want to go through - and I'm still not sure that will prepare me for full-time studies and then some.
At this time, I don't have the energy to worry too much about it, I'm more in a "let's try it and see what happens"-mood right now. So I guess we'll have to see what happens ....

R.I.P. Zorro ~~ 5 July 1997 - 15 November 2010

Sad news today.
I had to take Zorro to the vet today, as he has had some problems with his bowels for the four, five days or so - the past two days I've found blood in his stool which worried me a lot.

I had never seen a vet here before, but it worked out fine and I met a really nice veterinarian. We talked for a while before she examined him. The first thing she discovered was that he probably had a teeth problem, an illness which basically causes the teeth to rot, and they have to be removed.
After having examined him further she said that in all likelihood he had a fairly large tumour somewhere in his stomach - and that would take a lot to sort out. Examinations, tests, treatments, operations ... and before she even finished telling me all about it, I had made up my mind.

Zorro had a calming shot first, causing him to fall asleep peacefully in my lap, in about five minutes. After that we put him on the examination table, and he had the fatal shot.
The whole thing took about an hour, and it's definitely the most unreal hour in my entire life.

I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that this was the right decision at the right time - and that feels "good" (or whatever word you're supposed to use in circumstances like this).
My problem is trying to deal with my life without him. He's been my top priority and the first "person" I think of regarding everything ... now I have to go on without him ...

I will make a real, longer entry about Zorro, about his life and the relationship we had - but I cannot bring myself to do that today, so I will have to do that tomorrow.

I Will Always Love You.

A Very Long Day!

Today has been one of the longest days of my life - and one of the harder ones too.
Late last night, I discovered Zorro isn't doing so well right now. He's having a hard time using the litter box, and there's been a fair amount of blood in his stool (which is very loose and just ... strange) - so I'll be calling a veterinarian first thing tomorrow morning.
I don't know anything about these things, I have no idea how serious this is or what it could be - but since Zorro is old now (he's 13½ years old, and generally you say cats of his breed lives for about 10 years) I know I won't do a lot of treatments or invasive procedures on him ...
So if this is not a problem that is very easily fixed ("it will get better of its own" or "give him a pill for 10 days and he will be over it" basically), I will make the decision to put Zorro to sleep.

I have been extremely tense all day, and suffered a nasty headache so I have had problems focusing on anything else besides this. I know there's nothing I can do, and I have to wait and see what the vet thinks and says about all this, but it's impossible for me not to think about it.

I know Zorro has had a really good life, and I know that hard times lies ahead that will affect him badly, but just the thought of going home alone tomorrow and having to start clearing away all of his things makes my heart just tear ....

This has been a very long day indeed, I only slept a few hours last night, and I doubt I'll sleep any more than that tonight - but this is the way things are right now and I simply have to work my way through it.
I cannot guarantee an entry tomorrow, depending on what happens - but no doubt will I sooner or later let you know what is going on.

I'm Back - I Think!

Okay ... so this semester is almost over now - wow, that feels weird. I hope I can make a "real" post about the whole semester at some point, because there's been a lot of mixed feelings regarding these last 4-5 months!

I have survived writing and handing in my essay, defending it before the seminar and also act as an opponent on another student's essay. Now I have to make some minor corrections and hand in an essay next week, which will be graded - and then I can actually apply for my Bachelor of Theology Degree!! That's pretty amazing!! I started University studies in August 1998 ... this feels really huge actually! :D

However, I haven't been feeling very well, especially not the last few weeks. A great deal of things has gone horribly wrong, and I'm still amazed at the fact that I managed to end the semester in the way that I did, because I had some serious doubts.
I feel really good about actually doing it, but a lot of other things have been suffering because of it. There are a lot of things that haven't been working for me personally, I managed to deeply hurt one of my greatest friends, which I feel awful about - I just hope I haven't hurt every friend I have now ...

Sorry about this, I know I should be on top of the world right now, but despite the fact that it's great and a real milestone to have done this now, there are a lot of things I don't feel so good about right now ...

Hopefully I'll get back to blogging regularly now, at least until I leave for the summerhouse (which will be a few days before Midsummer)! I have quite a few blog entries to go through, here and in my other blogs, as I've been putting most of my life on hold lately.

Take care!

Surviving The Week From Hell?

Things are not going great now, that's for sure. I'm feeling really down and sad and upset, and I have a week ahead of me that I wouldn't wish on anyone ... I don't really know how I'm supposed to actually go through it, and the fact that I need to actually perform - or the consequences will be severe - makes me feel even worse.

I don't really feel comfortable pouring my heart out in a public blog, so I'm sorry if this is a little bit short, but my week basically looks like this:

Meeting with an Old Testament teacher, introduction to an OT-course where I'm mentor, and where I'm supposed to say "something" in front of the group, an oral exam, a talk with "my professor" that I have no idea how to do, discussion regarding two essays I have hardly given any thought at all, and essay seminar - for the two essays I don't know anything about - an OT-lecture and a regular mentor meeting, cleaning the entire apartment to prepare for my trip, try to find a new bathroom carpet (mine will be replaced while I'm gone), STUDYING (duh!!) plus a number of other errands and things to just "get done".

I'm feeling pretty awful at the moment, and going from complete apathy to outright terror ... and that is not the best type of preparation for a week like this!!
I'm really looking forward to my trip, as I think I'll need it as a way of gathering my composure again, trying to deal with everything that has been going on, that I haven't had time for now, and really try to come to terms with ... everything! Hopefully I can feel better and be ready to take on life again after that!

I know this is a short entry, shorter than I usually keep my blog entries, but I actually don't feel up to writing right now. I have a hard enough time writing in my diary at the moment, and this is a lot harder ... I can't guarantee the updates of next week, considering how it'll be - but at least I promise to make some kind of summary update next weekend, before my trip.

I hope you are all doing well!

(--> My personal blog, Me, Myself and I, has been updated <--)