One Week ... Really?

I can't believe all that's happened in just one week ... it feels like it would have been a month, at least. Still, most of it (almost all of it!) has been absolutely fantastic and totally outstanding, so I really feel I would like to go through the entire week here! :)
I'll give credit to those of you who are able to read through all of it, because I have a feeling this will be the longest blog entry I've ever made! LOL! :)

Sunday, May 15

This was a really difficult day for me! It was 6 months to the day since Zorro past away, and I still have difficulties dealing with that, especially during those days, when I tend to think of him more often and more intensely. I had a lot of things to deal with from the previous week as well, so I guess I didn't get anything productive done at all during Sunday, although I need times for thinking, reflecting and personal writing ...
Most things in my life are turning out fantastic now, but I can't help feeling I would have liked to share that with Zorro - because I know he could tell whether I was feeling good or bad. Lots of thoughts regarding Zorro, but I won't get into that now, I might save it for another entry later on.
Here are some old photos of Zorro I found when I was looking through my computer:




Monday

Monday was study day full stop!! I had to hand in a report to the OT professor "during Monday night" on my progress on the master's essay. Needless to say I stressed like an idiot the entire day and felt unprepared to the max.

In my defence, I did have a bit of materials to use, but naturally I hadn't started putting the report together ... and I started with that around lunch time! *oops* I realized I had to get some print-outs, and my printer at home is not really working, so I made the quite possible shortest visit to Uni ever! :) I arrived at the library at 12.50, grabbed a computer and got my print-outs, and was out of there again at 1.03! LOL!

I didn't do anything except wrote, wrote and wrote the entire day, and by about 10 p.m. I had almost 8 pages ... Let's just say I don't think I did a great job proof-reading the thing, but at least I sent it in!

Tuesday

Tuesday was an extremely intense day for me ...
We had lectures at 10 with the OT group, and they were having a seminary discussion on a book by W. Brueggemann (Unsettling God). I had really hoped to be able to read through it really quick before the seminar, but there was (obviously!) no chance of that!
I still got a bit out of the seminary discussion and it was quite interesting. I'm happy to see a course such as this, where there is a clear focus on the language, it's possible to do these kinds of things as well.
After the lecture I ended up in the library assisting some of the students with different things regarding the interpretation they were writing.

Once I got to sit down on my own, the anxiety about the SI-ceremony that afternoon hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't experienced that heavy anxiety in probably several years, and I was really feeling awful. Still, I knew there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but try to do the best I could with it. I was unsure of basically everything: I didn't know how the ceremony would be, I didn't know what would be expected of me (even though I had been assured I would not have to give a 'thank you speech' - which I was more than grateful for!!), and I wasn't even 100% sure of where the ceremony would take place (it was on another University Department, where I've only been a few times, a couple of years ago) ...
I ended up talking a little to my SI supervisor, as I was sitting just outside her room, and eventually we agreed we would walk to the ceremony together, and that helped my anxiety a lot! Just know I would go with someone I knew, wouldn't have to worry about finding the right place etc. helped me a great deal!

We met at 3 o'clock and walked together to the ceremony, and when we entered the auditorium my supervisor exchanged a few words with the man in charge of the whole thing, and she also introduced me. We took our seats and the ceremony started with a few introductory speeches, among those who came was Sven Strömqvist, who is Lund University's Assistant Vice-Chancellor!! After that we heard speeches relating SI (Supplemental Instruction) to not only Universities but also senior high school/college and also how you can use it when you go out to work in the world outside University - and we also heard a speech from two students who have worked within SI and had the opportunity to go to America to attend an SI conference.

After the speeches, it was time for the handing out of Diplomas, and first up were the Honorary Diplomas, which apparently was given to me and three other students. I had no idea how they wanted to do this, and when they said it would be done alphabetically I basically panicked - but I was so lucky, as there was one girl who came before me!! (Not often that happens.)
So anyway ...
We were called down in front of everyone, and got to listen to the nomination text that our supervisors had written when nominating us, and then we got our Diploma and a little present.
And I have to admit, I am proud of the fact that I went through with it, because this was a really big deal for me! The auditorium was in no way crowded, but there were enough people for me to feel really really anxious! But I did it! :)
It was a great relief to be able to get back to my seat and realize that most of it was over for my part, that's for sure.
After the Honorary Diplomas and been handed out, all the mentors who were quitting were given diplomas as well - but a lot of people who had said they'd come didn't show up, so things became a little bit awkward ...

There were snacks and drinks prepared afterwards, but first they wanted everyone who had gotten a diploma to gather near the entrance and we were photographed - and after that we were able to get snacks and talk to the others. Since I was completely shaky after the almost extreme tenseness I found it difficult to talk and be friendly, and I didn't stay long.
But it still felt amazing to have gone through with that day, that's for sure! :)

Wednesday

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the OT professor to discuss the report ... and since I emailed it so late on Monday night and my mind was somewhere else entirely on Tuesday I felt I needed to prepare for the meeting quite a lot. I went to Uni fairly early and printed my report and went over it, quite a number of times. I also met a lot of the OT students working on their interpretations and I also talked a little with my SI supervisor before heading up the professor on the third floor.

The talk we had went really well actually. We started talking "generally" when he suddenly interrupted our conversation, and realized he'd forgotten to congratulate me to the Honorary Diploma!! I didn't even know he knew, and SI feels a little bit like it's own "department" within the University, so I was quite surprised. He ended up giving me SO many lovely comments and compliments I was completely and utterly embarrassed!! I think the peak was when he told me how he had met Sven Strömqvist (the Assistant Vice-Chancellor who attended the SI-ceremony) at a conference earlier during Tuesday morning, and how proud he (the OT professor) had been to tell the Vice-Chancellor that one of his students was one of the recipients of the Honorary Diploma! *yikes!!*
I was (and am!!) SO flattered, but I really don't know what to do with myself when things like that come up, I have no idea what to say and I mostly feel really embarrassed!

We moved on to actually discussing my thesis as well, of course, and I think it was quite a rewarding chat. Most of the energy was done trying to decide what way I'm going to take right now, and that wasn't as easy as it sounds, actually. We had a good discussion, I felt I was able to step up a bit more than I have before, when I have mostly felt I've 'had to' just accept what he says as he knows so much more than me. This time I felt I could question what he said, and really get to the bottom of what was discussed, and that felt really good.
The outcome basically was to go into a few more scholars and their view on the objective I've set for my thesis - and also to get down to the Hebrew text and really start working on the relevant (some of them!) passages there ...

The meeting felt really good, from all kinds of angles, so I was in a really good mood when I was done - and I also met the teacher on the first part of the OT course, so we had a little chat, which was really nice! :)

Thursday

Thursday was actually sort of slow, as I didn't even have to get to Uni!! I did find out that my Mum would come for a short visit over the weekend, which was such a happy surprise!!! We have been talking about her coming here for a while, but it hasn't really been anything decided and she's been really busy and tired, and I've been really busy and tired. Now she found out that a co-worker and her husband was going to Helsingborg for the weekend, and my Mum could go with them, arriving on Friday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon!

I was really happy to hear that, and tried to get the apartment decent looking during Thursday (things like cleaning and such had been neglected earlier in the week, for obvious reasons!), but I was SO tired, I didn't get as much done as I had planned!

Friday

Friday was extremely intense!!!!
I was up at about 5 a.m. and started cleaning ... started doing laundry at 6 and was finished with everything in the apartment around 11. Took a shower and headed for Lund at 12, and had the final 'lecture' at 1. This was basically a summary discussion of the course, at first there was a general discussion and after that Elisabet and I had some SI evaluations to hand out, and the teacher would hand out the general evaluations as well.
We had a really good and constructive discussion regarding the course, the literature etc. when suddenly there was a knock on the door, and our SI-supervisor was there, asking if she could see me for a minute.
It felt a bit silly to just walk out (especially since the tables were arranged in a way that made me walk around the entire room to get out!), but when I got out it turned out that the evaluations we had been given to hand out to the students were 'out-of-date', new ones had just come, so I got them instead.
When I came back into the room, it was completely silent, which felt really strange. And suddenly, when I'm in front of the entire class, the teacher says: "Well, Jessica, now you have to tell us all about what it was like on the ceremony on Tuesday!"
And I more or less wished I could have fell through the floor ... I am genuinely and extremely grateful to have been given this, but I DO NOT like to stand in the centre of attention like that. I think I mostly stuttered something, I knew that some of the students knew I had been given it but not all of them ... and once I'd said something, probably completely incoherent, I got an applause from the entire class! *embarrassed again*

We handed out the evaluations and at 6 p.m. the teacher had a little party at her place for all the students, and the students on another OT course, as well as some other OT-people (both OT post-graduate students - one of them is the one teaching the first half of the OT course - and the OT professor) - and she asked me and Elisabet to help her out fixing food and such!
She had to pick up her children from school first, so Elisabet and I ended up in the library for a while, before meeting the OT teacher and her kids! :)

It was really nice to be able to help her out a little, she's a great lady and such a role model for I think most of the students she comes in contact with - and she's always been fantastic to deal with when it comes to SI, she's really interested and tries to help out as much as she can - and I think it's great to be able to do something outside the Department as well.

We ended up chopping and mixing and such for a few hours before the others showed up - and we had a great time. I really totally and completely feel like I have found my place here, and every time something like this happens, I feel it even more!
With the background I have, it's just beyond description to feel like I fit in so perfectly here ... I feel safe and secure and comfortable, even in situations that before would be extremely anxious, and I feel like people around me like me! Getting that kind of continual acknowledgement, constantly verifying that I do fit in and that people do like me - it's just such an AMAZING feeling!!

I was going to pick up my Mum in Helsingborg, so I had checked and had to leave the party about 20 to 8, in order to get to the train station in Lund and from there to Helsingborg. And that's another thing that is so fantastic about being where I am. Yes, I admit, I would have liked to stay longer, we had a great time, there were funny and interesting conversations, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I am NOT completely quite and tries to be invisible! But I feel SO comfortable in this situation, and so sure of myself and the fact that I will experience this again, that it is okay to leave a little early.
I am a little upset, because when I was getting myself ready a lot of others were starting to prepare to leave as well, and I felt the good-bye to the hostess became very quite and short ... but I'll be seeing her again next week, so I hope I can say a proper thank you then.
Just as I was leaving it turned out two other students had to get to trains/buses at the railway station, and one of the postgraduate students where going that way in her car, so I got a lift as well! :) Really kind!

When I got to the station my Mum called, she had already arrived in Helsingborg, but had to wait for me there ... but I don't think I've ever been so impatient during the train ride before! :) I just wanted to get there QUICK - and meeting my Mum was just FANTASTIC! It was quite a while since we saw each other, especially here! I was visiting my families when the bathroom renovation was going on, but didn't get that much time with my Mum - and during Christmas holidays she was sick a lot ... before that, yeah, she came down here for a quick visit just after Zorro had passed away, but that wasn't exactly a joyride ...

We took the bus home and spent some time talking - I didn't go to sleep until about 1.30 a.m. - so I'd been up and about and active and constantly doing things for about 21 hours! *yikes*

The Weekend

If you've managed to get this far in this extremely long blog entry, I admire you, and I will try to not be too detailed now. My Mum and I have enjoyed ourselves during the weekend, talked a lot, done a few outings and watched a few movies and mostly just enjoyed each other's company! :)
I went with her to Helsingborg this afternoon where she met her co-worker and her husband, and I just now heard she'd gotten home safe and sound!

Pheeeew!
Some week,huh?
But SO much of it has been SO fantastic, and I can hardly believe it myself ...
I have a busy week ahead again, but I hope to have some kind of energy when I get home every afternoon to keep the blog up to date, so I don't have to make another really long entry next weekend! :)
And credit to those of you who have made it to the end of this entry! LOL!

Quite Intense

The end of the week was actually quite intense for me.
On Thursday I went to Lund fairly early and managed to get a few errands done in town before heading to the Department. I sat there working on a "personal project" (there are actually two of them, but they are kind of linked together) - stuff that I do when I feel like doing something but don't quite have the energy to work on my master's thesis.
I met a few friends and it worked out well.

During the afternoon I ended up checking the internet and I found a job I really-really-really-really-really want ... and yes, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'm guessing there will be a LOT of applicants.
They have this amazing theological book store in Lund, they have all the theological as well as Christian literature and a lot of other stuff too. They're looking for people to work there now, among the possibilities was a part time (50%) job working with various tasks in the store. That would be SO perfect, it's something I think I actually qualify for despite the fact that my education is really narrow, the times suit me to the ground. I'm trying to fix a job application today so I can go and speak with them tomorrow! :) *fingers crossed*

There were OT/Hebrew lecture late on Thursday, 3-5 p.m. but it was an interesting lecture. There were some talks about strange looking vowels at the end of the lecture, and I had actually seen a strange looking word earlier. I thought I'd ask the teacher about it (though I was a bit nervous, usually it's something really really simple that I just haven't thought of). Turns out he was intrigued about it as well and we ended up doing a short excursion to the Library to find out what this was all about. And luckily we found the answer ... :)

I was really tired when I got home, but I didn't sleep much as I had a big challenge to take on on Friday. Since I don't have an income now, I'm living on money I've inherited and saved, and obviously that can't go on forever - so I need to find a job ... and yesterday I had planned to go to the employment office to find out ... just basic rules and regulations, I guess.
These are things I still have difficulties with, things like this generate a lot of anxiety and I worked on this for most of the morning. Around lunch time I managed to get there, and even though the visit didn't give me much information I hadn't already guessed, it felt good to at least have taken on the challenge. I also think I know how to go from here ... I need a bit more information before making any real decisions though.
And of course I'm REALLY hoping for the book store job, which would be amazing!

Yesterday I had planned a really constructive day, catching up on things I haven't felt I've had the time for - but unfortunately that didn't happen. For various reasons, I didn't feel great at all, and that day just went by me. I'm not very happy with that, but I know it happens on occasion. I think I'm feeling a little better today, so I'm hoping to get a lot done today instead - especially since tomorrow will be a VERY intense day!

Lots To Deal With

Today has mostly been a strange day, not quite sure what to say about it actually.
I ended up deciding not to go to Uni, for some reason or other, being at the Department hasn't really been working for me this semester. Well, I'm starting to think it's going to have to work from now on - because today they started the major renovation-project (bathroom and most of the kitchen) in the house next to mine. Meaning almost constant concrete drilling ... let's just say that does not constitute the ultimate study environment!! *sigh*

I'm often feeling extremely tired, I have been for most of the semester, and that is not something I'm really comfortable with - especially not since I'm going to have to put my studies in overdrive starting NOW! I will try to get better at eating vitamins, and also eating a bit better than I have been doing - but at least I'm exercising every day now ... that should count for something, right? :)

I'm facing a couple of new challenges now though, that I'm starting to get anxious about. One will be dealing with a straight up "old-fashioned" anxiety attack tomorrow morning (or possibly two, depending on what happens!!), so I'm going to have to try to prepare for that. I will also have to take on another kind of challenge during the weekend.
I think I'm right in acknowledging the fact that I do feel anxious, and trying to deal with it - instead of just postponing things, telling myself I'll probably feel better about them later on ... but that doesn't make me feel much better right now! Still, I think I actually will feel better when I start to see that things are actually getting done, that I'm conquering my challenges and actually dealing with them - at least I hope so!!

With that being said, I'm going to try to take a while and write in my diary tonight! I usually find it difficult to do so in the evenings now, I usually want to write in the morning. And while I cannot neglect my morning-diary-routine, I can't write everything in the mornings, because then I won't get any sleep at all. So hopefully I can get through some things tonight, and deal with the rest, and the more immediate preparations tomorrow morning.

Ups And Downs!

This week has certainly had its ups and downs ...
Monday was a really terrible day! Don't know why really, it just ended up being really totally bad. I think I kept trying to sort it out - and trying and trying, but it just wouldn't work out no matter what.

Yesterday was a lot better. I went to Uni pretty early and felt like I got at least a fair bit of work done, which was nice. I also met Maria, which was ages ago, so it was nice catching up with her as well.
We went to a seminar together, where Ola Wikander (who has the first half of the Hebrew/Old Testament course, where I've been mentor) presented parts of his dissertation. I will be presenting my master's thesis in this seminar at the end of February, and it's really nice and very educating to be there - but kinda scary as well! :) While everyone is friendly enough, I can't say that I look forward to presenting my own work there, that's for sure.
And, in line with my thinking from the previous post, I have to admit I do have fairly high anxiety levels. I mean, they're nothing compared to what I felt back in 2002-2003, but they are relatively high compared to how I usually feel now. This does take its toll later on, as there is a recovery process involved after having experienced anxiety - so I felt more dead than alive last night and my plans of cleaning and studying basically fell flat.

Today was not great ... I slept really poorly and overall the night was just ... strange. Meaning I ended up with a really bad headache and basically slept between 6 and 10 a.m. Uni was out of the question but I got a pretty abrupt awakening as it seemed like one of my email addresses had been hacked into!! It's not one of my active addresses - thanks for that at least - but it still feels awful! I managed to go in and verify the account and verify the email address and change the password - and send an apologetic email to everyone in my contact list - and hopefully that will be the end of it.
The headache stayed for most of the day and even though I haven't been in pain during the late afternoon and evening, I have been very sluggish and haven't gotten much done at all.
I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow ...

Finishing off with a digi.scrap of my sisters! :) Enjoy!

Thinking AND Doing!

I do feel like I've been able to both think AND do this weekend, even though I always tend to stress out and feel like I should have done more ...
I've been going through most of a commentary I'll be using for my upcoming paper, and I'm almost done with the translations I've been doing! Also cleaned most of my apartment and sorted through some stuff.

Generally though, I feel really tired! Not sure what's up with that - even though I guess a simple answer would be the fact that I really don't sleep well at night. I think I've just gotten used to my strange "night routine" (although it's not really a routine as it varies from night to night) that I don't even think about it being not-too-good - but I think that could explain why I always feel exhausted no matter what.
Not sure how to change it either unfortunately ...

My most recent thinking process has landed me with a bit of a new idea though! It started a couple of days ago but the more I think about it the more I think it is relevant.
Fact is, I'm doing SO much better now, in general terms, than I did some 3-4-5 years ago, it's almost hard to imagine what my life was like then. Unfortunately I have noticed though, that while I'm doing so much better, socially and with my anxiety, my life hasn't really been "working out well" lately anyway. And I actually think I may have found the explanations and reasons for that.
People living with anxiety problems will recognize this, I think, because when you're dealing with anxiety you're going through Hell. Not all, but some anxieties are also irrational - like mine were. Extreme fear of meeting people or talking to people is definitely irrational, and knowing that your fears are irrational makes them very difficult to deal with, because you have to deal with both the anxiety in itself as well as the knowledge that your fears are just "silly" and "not real". When you get out of that anxiety, it's like a drug!! When you realize you can live your life and do things and go places and talk to people and "it's okay", you don't feel terrified and have to muster all your strength to do it - it's fantastic, a feeling beyond description!
And believe me, because I've gone through that in recent years!!

The problem is, like with most drugs, that it's addictive!! Once you've been able to feel this way, you never want to let it go!
For me, that has meant actually not admitting or acknowledging that there are still things in my life I feel anxious about and get anxiety attacks over. Well, really huge things (like essay seminars!!) are not included in this - but smaller things. I think I try to oppress these things, for two reasons!! One is this "drug-effect", I DO NOT under any circumstances want to feel anxiety ever again, so if I pretend that these situations either don't exist at all, or that "they're not so bad", then I won't get an anxiety attack. The other reason is the fact that since I'm doing so well, it seems like there's a universal truth - for me as well as for others - that I don't have anxiety attacks any more.

The consequences of this for me has been that I tend to postpone or outright ignore things and situations that will cause anxiety!! It has not been uncommon for me to tell myself that things "aren't so bad" or that I can't let this-and-that take on such enormous proportions - all to avoid the anxiety. But when it comes to the crunch and there's no turning back, I have been completely overwhelmed and more times than not, I have not been able to go through with whatever it is.

I'm not saying that this is the ultimate solution to all my problems - but I think it does play a big part it in.
Soooo, now I'm trying really hard to allow myself to have anxiety attacks. I have beaten anxiety before, I still have the methods and means and motivation to cope - but I can't ignore the fact that it's there. Instead I have to acknowledge the anxiety and work through it, instead of avoiding it!
I have postponed a lot of things during the last year or so, some things have gotten more severe consequences than others, and I think basically that when I've felt uncomfortable with a situation, or felt that things didn't work out smoothly, I've felt like: "Well, I'll feel better about this tomorrow, or next week, I'll get on it then." Problem is, this is anxiety related and it will never feel better, unless I work with the anxiety - which of course I haven't!

Like I said, I'm not saying everything will work out perfectly from now on, but I do think I will be able to cope with my life better having thought of this. If I allow myself to feel bad and have anxiety I can work with that and still cope and get things done - instead of telling myself that I'll feel great just so long as I don't have anxiety! Sure it's great not to have anxiety, but if it means the rest of your life is going down the drain ... what's the point?

Wow, I really didn't think this would be such a "deep" entry - but it feels kind of good to have articulated this, not only in my personal diary but more openly as well.
I've gone back and read a little in this blog from when it started, during the fall of 2006 - and I was way more open with how I felt and dealt with different things then than I have been lately ... maybe I should go back to being a bit more open ....

Anyway - here's hoping these new thoughts will help me make next week work out in an acceptable way! :)

Ups and Downs

I'm feeling generally very confused right now, as some things seems to be really good and others feel just awful.
Sunday was a baaaad day - no need to go into details there, I'd rather just forget all about it.
Yesterday was ... confusing ... The morning wasn't so great, I didn't sleep well and things just didn't feel right. I went into Uni around 11 o'clock and started feeling better, I met some nice friends and it felt good to be back at the Department again.
I went to an OT lecture (Isa 7:10-17 - very exciting!) and afterwards we had a mentor meeting. I don't think it was the best one yet, but it was okay and it felt good to hang out with the OT students again!

When I got home I had received an email. I have been dreading this particular email for quite a while now, as I had the distinct feeling it would make things a lot more complicated than they already are! And I was right! The only problem was, things became more complicated in a way I had not in my life anticipated! *sigh* This pretty much drained my energy completely last night - which isn't so good as I basically have to study 24/7 now!!

I didn't sleep well tonight either, and I've been thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking - and I think I have come up "sort-of" a plan - though I don't know if it's going to work out! I went to Uni early, I was here at 8 o'clock, and I finished the NT book I'm currently reading. Now I'm parked in the library, I have replied to the "dreaded email" (and feeling even more nervous now!!), and now I'm going to move on to the NT article I'm supposed to read. I hope to get through it fairly quickly (it's in Swedish - YAY!!!) and hopefully I can get started on writing the paper I'm supposed to do.
At 1 o'clock there's another OT lecture (this time, Isa 40:1-11), and after that I'm heading home, doing some shopping first.

I'm still quite determined to make May a good month, but I'm quickly realizing I'm probably facing the most difficult and most intense weeks of my life right now ... and that does make me a bit nervous!!

Temporarily Out Of Order!

No, don't worry, the blog is working fine!
I'm not however ...
The next week, well Monday and Tuesday (and in some way Wednesday) are really horrible for me, at least the way things are right now! I feel dreadful and I don't know how to be able to work my way around surviving these days without ending up really low (which I SO cannot afford right now!)!

Therefore I just want to let you know I will take a blog break! I have one more entry left from my trip (a review on My Fair Lady) and then of course the regular blogging. However, at this point, the blog has turned into a stress factor ("I have to get the blog updated as well!") and I can't take it right now. Instead I just want to make it clear that I will be back making entries, just not at this point in time ...

Thank you for understanding!

600th Post! Wow!

I had another title in mind for this post, relating to the previous one, but when I found out this will be my 600th post on this blog, I simply had to acknowledge that! I'm very happy this blog is doing so well, even though I sometimes take a break from it, both regarding my posting but mostly of course the visitors! :)

Anyway - what I was going to write was the fact that I obviously did survive the Week From Hell - even though I'm not sure how exactly ...
This week has been a real roller coaster, though unfortunately not that many "ups". I don't have the time or the energy to go into detail here, I will try to make a proper update in my personal blog, and I'll get back to those of you not reading Swedish in more personal notes before I leave on my mini-vacation (or whatever it will be).

The general outcome of this week, in short is that I've gotten a start with the mentor activity on the "new" (semi-new??) course and I have started developing a good connection with the teacher, which I think is really good.
I failed the oral exam ... *cry* which was quite a set back! I can't say that I'm really surprised by that, because I have felt so awful, and I didn't feel prepared enough, but I find it difficult coping with failed exams, and that feeling gets about 100% worse when it's an oral exam and not a written one. I'll have to do it when I get back home though, but that basically means that for the rest of the semester, well, I'll be taking on courses that equal one whole semester's full-time studies in about 8 weeks ... great! *NOT!*
I survived the essay seminar too, though I don't know how I feel about that ... Some things felt okay, some things felt pretty good and some things felt pretty terrible ...

So, that's the short summary version! :)
Today and tomorrow will be spent preparing for the trip and my time away - I will come back tomorrow with a last entry before I leave!

Take care and enjoy your Saturday!

Regular Ups and Downs!

Today has been an "up-and-down" day ... and since it hasn't all been down, I'll try not to complain ... too much ... :)

I went to Uni for an OT-lecture at 10. As usual I had planned only to sit in on the first half of the lecture, but it turned out that they're starting in on something I've always been having trouble with. The first time I took the course there was no way, I don't even think I was on one single lecture, so I never got it. The second time around, last year, I made sure I was there, and I did get most of it. But now it turned out this teacher gave it a whole new perspective, which made me understand and realize even more about it - so I decided to stay for the whole lecture! :)
(I must be INSANE, this is the third time I'm "kind of" taking this course! *LOL*)

Anyway, these lectures are perfect for me, they are the ultimate tool for repetition, and I'm starting to like the group a lot, I'm having a great time making conversations with the teacher during our breaks! He's TOTALLY into languages (and I mean totally, he knows 10 dead (!!) languages - I have no idea how many 'normal' ones he knows), and I find languages fascinating!! I've only studied Biblical Hebrew and Koine Greek, but I am amazed by it - and when he starts describing things in Aramaic, Coptic, Accadian or Syiran, I think it's the coolest thing! :)

We were done by 12, and I took a walk down town and checked out some book stores. I could have easily spent a fortune and more - but since I don't have any fortunes to spend at the moment, I had to settle for window shopping.

Back at Uni I tried checking out some literature and just general stuff ... and at 2.30 I had a meeting with my professor! Ironically enough, I've been feeling great ever since Monday and reflected a lot on how much better my self esteem has become - and today I was in a state of panic about meeting him! I really don't know why either - he had told me to check out some books and stuff, and of course I hoped I had done a "good job" of that, but I still don't think it was anything to warrant my anxiety!
The meeting went well, we decided to shift the focus a bit on the course, but nothing major - we settled on literature and date of exam (25 March *gulp*), and I'm gonna get back to him regarding what texts to choose.

I had about 10 minutes until the next meeting with the student counsellor, so I headed down to the library to check out the books. I knew one book, but unfortunately it's not the kind you can take home, so I'll have to go through that one there. And I couldn't find the other two!!! *sigh* It says in the computer that one does exist, it should be there, but when I check, it's not. And the other one: Nothing!! I can find the author, but no book with that title, and when I search for the title - I come up empty handed!
I really hadn't planned on going to Uni tomorrow, but run some other errands instead, but now I'm gonna have to try to combine them, because I have to talk to the librarian and try to sort this out! If he can't find them either, I'll have to let the professor know as soon as possible, since my exam is only a month away!

The meeting with the student counsellor was a bit confusing! He's the kindest guy, but I really don't to things the proper way and that just yells confusion! We sorted most of it out, at least I know what I should do about things, and I guess that's the main thing!

I've been relaxing a bit this afternoon, but I'm kind of worried about the books since I feel under pressure time-wise. I know there's nothing I can do until I talk to the people at the library tomorrow, but I still can't help but think about it ...
Guess I should head off to bed though, since I have an early morning tomorrow as well!

Things Back To Normal?!

Whoa! A couple of intense days to say the least!! At least I'm hoping things will be back to normal for a while now! :)

I studied like an idiot for the exam, but still didn't feel great about it! Granted, oral exams creep me out, but I really did not feel at all prepared enough!
I don't know what it's like for other University students, but I think the whole "oral exams"-thing is rather unusual in Sweden at least.
Basically, for my course (The Old Testament with Biblical Hebrew), the deal is this: I agree with a professor ('my' professor also happens to be the Head of the Faculty *gulp*) on a subject I want to study, we agree on a list of literature and about 10 pages of Hebrew text - and set a date for an oral exam. Come the day, I get to read and translate (and analyze) part of the Hebrew text, as well as answer questions and/or discuss the literature, with the professor.

From what I know, most people aren't happy about oral exams - well, most students, that is! :) I think the teachers and professor like it quite a lot, as it does require less work for them!* lol*
Anyway ...
For someone with a background of social phobia, oral exams are NOT funny at all - but fact of the matter is, this was my fourth, and while the results have varied, I have not failed, or needed to to return for a further exam, on any of them.

I was pretty freaked out yesterday, I had slept about 2½ hours, and was at the Department when the library opened at 9. Sat in on the Old Testament lecture 10.15-11 and kept studying after that. And at 2 o'clock it was time.
Adding to my anxiety was the fact that I have NEVER taken an exam for this professor before - and I really don't like starting it off with an oral exam ... when I don't know at all how he will do it, what level he will be at etc. I went up there, and we were dealing with the text part first ... It soon became clear I was going to have to read the Hebrew text as well as translate it - and I haven't read Hebrew out loud for almost a year! *yikes!* The professor was really calm and laid back about the whole thing - I guess he could sense I was totally panicky! :) - but I got started ... I didn't get too much text, lucky me, we went through Ecc. 6:1-3, but the verses were rather long. It felt ... "okay", though not good. I need to work on my vocaulary for starters, and I find it difficult to keep really long sentences in my head (without writing them down) and making any kind of sense of them) ... but at least it wasn't a complete disaster.

Then we moved onto the literature-part of it. I figured that would be a little bit easier, as it felt like it could be more of a conversation/discussion, even though I would do most of the talking and give most of the more specific information. The first thing that happened was:
The professor said that now, having read Ecclesiastes, and this particular part, as well as literature concerning not only Ecc. but also other literature close to it - how would I present Eccleasiates - if I, say, were giving a lecture on a basic level course?!?
Eh ... huh?!?!
Granted, I'm not completely alien to the idea of giving lectuers and teaching, but I most certainly was NOT expecting it in this situation! Still, things were very calm (from the professor's side!!), he told me to take my time etc. I got started talking, but I felt that he had to step in and "guide" me rather a lot ... asking questions to lead me in the right direction! And that didn't feel great ...
At one point, I just made such a horrible fool of myself - it was terribly embarrasing! He asked me a question, and I couldn't find the answer, but it was rather tricky. He kept "going around it", trying to find another way for me to come up with the answer - and all of a sudden, my brain just shut down. I couldn't find the answer to ANYTHING, in the end it was stupid questions, a 7th grader could have answered it (well, almost anyway) ... that felt pretty horrible.
But to tell the truth, horrible in a good way ... (yes, I'm tired, so please be patient)!
It did feel stupid and I did feel embarrased - but not at all in a way I would have felt say 2 years ago!
Two years ago, I would have dived into the depression pool over something like this, thinking that I made the worse possible impression by being so extremely stupid and feeling like I wouldn't be able to do anything at all in my entire life.
Now I do feel stupid, yes absolutely because it was such a basic question - but I also know that I really do know the answer, and that I just somehow got completely blocked out ... anybody can do it in any situation (ironically enough, after the exam, we discussed my next course, the professor had a book in mind, but couldn't for the life of him recall the name of the author, no matter how hard he tried! *lol*) - which means that even though it was embarrasing, I feel completely okay with it!
Amazing!!

We had other stuff to talk about two, my upcoming course as well as my essays ... and after about 45 minutes, the professor said we should conclude the exam.
I felt ... "okay" (again!), and hoped I would have passed, it kind of felt like I would have passed. The professor said: "Well, I'll have to congratulate you ..." - and my heart raced: that had to mean I had passed, right?!?" - "... to a VG" (which is the "high" of the two grades we have (not counting the failing grade)!
What?!?! How?!?! Why?!?!?! What??????

Looking back to how these first 4-5 weeks of the semester have been, I would never in my life have figured I'd get VG!! No way!! I didn't think I would fail - first of all, it's actually hard to fail on an oral exam (if you have a decent professor/teacher), because the can work their way around your problems, find new ways to approach things etc. so I pretty much hoped I'd pass, and get a G, but no way I thought I'd get VG!
So ... YAY!!!

*HAPPY!!!!!*

Today I went to the OT-lecture, spent some time in the library first, checking out a few books for my next course, and after the lecture we had a mentor meeting! I find it difficult to be in control of the meeting - we often end up with some specific question, and while it is good to address their questions, I do have an agenda and a plan, and I kind of feel I should follow it. But I'm also feeling that I get more secure for every meeting we have, and I also think the meetings are working out better and better now ... which is really great!

Have to say I feel thrilled right now - the last two days everything has just turned out wonderful! I'm not saying it'll last forever, because I know it won't, but I'm really happy because I think I have developed a way of actually enjoying those times when they come - seizing the moment - *~* Carpe Diem! *~* - and I think it's important to be able to that! I think it will help you when times get tougher ...

So, now I'm hopefully back on track, things seem to work out now, provided nothing unforseen happens, so I'm hoping to be able to keep this blog - and my other blogs - alive and kicking, and also catch up on other internet activity where I've been slacking now!

Take care guys!

Just A Message!

Hi everyone!

Just a short entry to let you know - I'm in a serious state of PANIC about this stupid exam coming up on Monday! I know I was anxious about the Greek exams, but that was nothing compared to this, that's for sure!!
Anyway, if I'm going to have even the tiniest little chance of passing this exam, I'm going to have to study every single minute I can keep my eyes open, starting now!
Therefore: no blog entries! Sorry, but there's just no way! And besides, what would I write:
"Today I studied."
"I studied more today."
"Now I have done translations."
That pretty much covers what will be going on here for the next three days! :)

So, just letting you know that while I won't be updating here now, I will return when I'm back to keeping a human schedule again!

Seeya, and take care!

I'm Back! :)

I apologize for my absence lately - the weekend wasn't really great at all, lots of things going on that were too good. I had my usual "come-back-day" yesterday, I had a headache so I didn't go to Uni, but I still managed to get some stuff done, both practically and emotionally, and that usually puts me back on track again.

Today I had an Old Testament lecture and mentor meeting, apart from my own studies of course.
The lecture was okay, but I more and more feel I need to make an effort and really be there for when they go through new stuff. It's the BEST repetition for me, and I can clearly see that it helps me a lot when I'm working with my own texts. It's easy to think you can skip lectures when you're not really required to be there (since I'm mentor I'm required to be at one lecture every week, but that's all), but I really really want to try to be there for pretty much all the lectures.

We had so much to do today, that we didn't even get a break in the middle, and that was quite tough. I had the beginning of a headache this morning, and trust me when I say it didn't get better. I had hoped for the break, to get some extra coffee and water and a bit of a break, but no such luck.
We finished right after 12 and were supposed to have the mentor meeting straight afterwards. I had to get the coffee and cookies and stuff, and everybody needed 5 minutes after the intense lecture - and when I got back the students had ended up in a discussion with our teacher. A discussion/talk that lasted 30 minutes! *yikes* I had planned to stop the meeting at 1, since I had a horrible headache and I really need to focus on my own studies! But I realized that wouldn't happen after that little delay! :)

The mentor meeting was good, I think they do work out now, really! I feel more comfortable, and it seems there's been a group of 5 students that come every time! Naturally, there's good if more people come, but if these five come, I will be satisfied. I like them, they function as a group, and there are enough of them to actually DO things!
I do have some other thoughts regarding the mentor-thing, but I really don't feel comfortable writing about all of that in a public blog. There might be an entry in my personal blog and/or personal messages to my friends, because I have a feeling I'll need other's thoughts, opinions and views on this.

My headache developed into the beginning of a migraine - and as soon as I could stop the mentor meeting (3 of the students decided to stay though!) I had to go home ... which wasn't my plan! I stuffed myself with pills, but the headache stuck with me, and I haven't had a chance to get started on my studies until it was about 6 p.m. NOT good!!

Tomorrow I won't go to Uni. There are no OT lectures tomorrow, and I have to get a haircut around lunch tomorrow, so I don't have to get up really early. I feel pretty okay, I got about an hour's sleep when I got home, so I'm hoping to get a lot of stuff done tonight (drinking coffee now too) ... because I'm seriously getting a panic over this exam.
It will be on Monday afternoon and I'm more anxious about this exam than I have been in a long time ...

Well, back to studies now!

Mixed Feelings!

For some reason, I can't seem to get this blog going the way I want it to right now. Don't quite know why either, which is very annoying! I liked it when I updated it every day, more or less, and just made it a general record of what was going on in my life - but for some reason that hasn't happened in quite a while.
One reason, I guess, is that January 2009 was quite turbulent for me, and I didn't feel like writing about everything here - at times I felt like I could write about things after having gotten some distance to it but instead I felt I had to give a lot of backstory ... and it mostly ended up being confusing!
I hope I can find my way back to the way I used to keep this blog, because I was really happy with that! *fingers crossed*

Okay, what's been going on today! Not much in the practical sense, perhaps, but all the more in the emotional. I had to cancel Tuesday's mentor meeting, so I moved it to today instead, and that's what pretty much everything circles around right now.

I went to Uni pretty early this morning and started preparing for coffee and stuff. The lecture started at 10.15, and it's quite a strange feeling sitting there now. Part of me really enjoys it, this is so totally my subject and I really love working with the Hebrew language. But another part of me can't help but feel a bit ... well, bored to be honest. The level of the students vary, which is perfectly normal, but it does take a long time for them to get through the prepared sentences every day, and I don't find that very rewarding - which isn't so strange either, I think. I also have to get used to another teacher, and it takes a while adjusting! This new guy is terrific and he's really friendly and I like him a lot - but I was a true disciple to the previous teacher - who had been teaching Hebrew for 33 years straight (!!), and it does take a while before you get used to a different teaching-technique.
When we had a break I rushed down to the Student Union (in the cellar *lol*) to borrow some cups and spoons. Luckily a girl I know the Greek course was there (she's active in the Student Union), so it was quite all right to borrow some stuff. Took that with me, along with coffee and the rest, back to the classroom for the second half of the lecture.

When we ended I made a comment that we were going to have a mentor meeting, and I started to leave first. Our teacher came up to me, we talked a little about the course, when he suddenly stated: "It's so good to have you as a mentor on this course!" I was quite stunned because I haven't at all felt like a success, but he went on to tell me he'd been sceptic when he first heard about it, but felt I was a real assett and an inspiration ... Wow .... *add smile here* :)
He tried to tell them that it was good if they came to the mentor meeting ... but of course ... they didn't! *sigh*

I can't help but feel that something has gone wrong since there are so few coming! Now I know a few students who couldn't make it because I had changed the day - but today they were three ... and one of them left after a while!
The whole mentor thing is about working together, in a group - how do you make groups out of 2 or 3 people - it just doesn't work!!! They keep telling you that a mentor is not a teacher, so you shouldn't go around answering questions, but instead help the students to find the answers themselves. That sounds really great, and I totally buy that, but I can't seem to make it work.
I sit there with two rather insecure students who wonder how they are going to study, what they should prioritize, why the grammar works the way it does - how can I NOT answer there questions?!?!?!!?

This was indeed frustrating, and after the meeting when I was done cleaning up, I found the mentor-supervisor and decided to be totally open about this!! She didn't have much time, but she was really nice about this. She also, of course, felt it wasn't good - but she didn't yell at me about, she gave me some constructive ideas to test etc. and that feels really good.
We're having the next meeting on Tuesday, and she's coming for a visit then (she visits all the mentor groups one time), and then we'll decide on a time when we can sit down and have a proper chat about this. Meanwhile I'm going to write a survey and hand out to them on Monday, asking questions about the mentorship, why they aren't going, what they would like to get out of it etc. and hopefully that can help me get more people to come!

As the title indicates, I have very mixed feelings about today! The whole attendance thing is very disturbing and frustrating and I do worry about that. But on the other hand, the comment from the teacher, the talk with the supervisor, and also the fact that I myself feel a lot more relaxed and not so anxious at the meetings, feels really great!
Very confusing!!

I've decided to stay home tomorrow, and I have three full days to get onto my own courses - which is much needed right now! I have to know 10 pages Hebrew text and (over) 1000 pages of literature for an oral exam for the Head of the Faculty on February 20th. *gulp*
So, now I'm going to take an early night and hopefully get started early tomorrow morning!

Take care!

A Turningpoint!!

This entry is well overdue, but I do have a reason for that. Thursday ended up being a real turningpoint for me, and once I got home I was so much in awe over what had happened, I couldn't bring myself to sit down and write about it. Yesterday was a true 'resting-day', where I did absolutely nothing whatsoever - and now I'm hoping to get back on track full stop.

But I guess I'd better start at the beginning! :)

We had an essay seminar at 8 a.m. on Thursday morning - this time not the 'joint' seminar, but a seminar in Old and New Testament Exegesis - that is, the seminar I really want to follow. Both professors are really great, and I feel comfortable around them (which is not the case with the professor leading the joint seminar).
This whole mess of seminars came up right away, and I felt horrible. I had pretty much figured out how things were supposed to be done - and this was confirmed by the professors too - the only problem is that I wouldn't have been able to work out my other courses that way. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the whole group, so I kept a low profile and decided to talk to 'my' professor at our meeting after the seminar.
The seminar itself was pretty regular, I had attended one just like it in September, so it was mostly repetition for me. We finished off in the Library, getting some advice on literature, dictionaries etc. to use.

Afterwards I accompanied the professor to his office to have a chat. I was pretty nervous, as things were complicated to say the least.
I started explaining everything (again, sorry, but I cannot go into detail here), I knew how I was "supposed" go about things, but how I couldn't figure out a way to make that work along with my other courses (and this professor is supervising all my courses this semester, so he knew exactly what I was talking about) ... I figured I was in for a real fight, since I knew I technically wanted the system to make an exception just for me (which is generally much frowned upon) ... but I was in for a surprise!
Turns out the professor had apparently given this some serious thought, he had been talking to the professor leading the joint seminar, and since things had been so complicated and confusing, they (I think, mostly 'my' professor) had decided they to do "what's best for the student".
Which bascially meant that I get exactly what I want from this semester!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get to follow the Old (and New) Testament seminar, and only that, I can work out my planning with the professor just like we had discussed earlier and I don't have to attend the joint seminars!!!!!!!!!
I must have looked like an idiot, because I could hardly believe it! I kept asking and asking and asking, but apparently that has been decided now!!! *extremely happy!*
That just took a massive burden off my shoulders and I was SO HAPPY!!!

After this meeting, I took a well-deserved rest. I met a girl I took Hebrew with last spring, we haven't really stayed in touch, but we had a really long and rewarding chat, and after that Lena came! I haven't seen her in quite a while, so it was great catching up.
I got a book from the library for my reading course, and at 12 I went to meet with the post-graduate who's taking the course where I'm mentor. There were some questions raised during the last mentor meeting, and even though I know I how I feel about them, I wanted to run it by him, so we don't say opposite things to the students. He's a really nice guy and I'm very grateful we can "work together" on this! Since it's my first time as a mentor, I'm very insecure about a lot of things, and being able to run things by him helps a lot!! He also promised to try to get more or the students to come to the meeings! :)

I honestly can't believe how well Thursday went, it felt almost unreal! All of Thursday afternoon I kept thinking I would wake up and realize it had all been a really great dream, but I haven't woken up yet, so I guess it actually did happen!! *amazing!*

While yesterday was a relaxing day - and this morning has been slow because I hardly slept at all last night - I am MORE than motivated to do something really GREAT with this semester now!! The fact that things went SO well, really raized my motivation a great deal - so now I'm hoping to be able to be 100% efficient and more ...

What? When? Where? How?

I didn't think things could get more confusing then they already were last week - I was wrong! For some reason, the bad things never stop coming right now, and even though I haven't reached my breaking point just yet, I certainly don't feel well at all!

The weekend more or less flew by without me knowing what happened to it, and when Monday came I was in a state of panic!! I didn't have that much planned, I was attending an Old Testament lecture (in the group where I'm mentor) and I was going to try to find some people at the Department, but I was just feeling AWFUL, so I stayed home! I don't usually just skip things nowadays, but there was just no way I could make it work ...

Yesterday was the worse day of the week (probably) - I always seem to end up with Terrible Tuesdays! I was dreading it even beforehand, and believe me: not much of it got better than I had expected.
I have a hard time explaining it in detail here, at least the first part of the day which involved an essay seminar - as those things are closely connected to our education system, which is undergoing some changes and therefore are confusing to say the least.
The point was, this was a joint seminar of several subjects (but in the new system, all these subjects is ONE subject, which is WEIRD - Old Testament Exegesis and Systematic Theology is NOT the same subject!!), and it nearly killed me!!
I had made a study plan with the professor in the Old Testament, since I'll be doing four individual courses for him - but according to this joint seminar, I had to take one of my essays there, and the way they had planned it screwed up my entire lecture-plan for this semester, and I honestly think that if they force me to participate in the joint seminar, I'll screw up a lot of other courses - because I still have to be at the OT seminar ...
Okay, I'm sorry ... I'm rambling like an idiot, and I'm guessing you don't understand anything right now. Should anyone really be interested in the details - please let me know, and I'll try to make a proper explanatory entry about this alone!

The seminar took longer than expected, so I had to rush to the OT lecture and was almost late for it - it's not good for a mentor to be late! That lecture actually worked out pretty well ... and afterwards it was time for my second mentor meeting ...
I have very mixed feelings about it - I don't seem to be able to get people to come, at the first meeting there were five (they are about 10-12 at lectures) and yesterday they were 4 ... I feel really awful about that, but I don't quite know how to get them to come either ...
The meeting itself I think went a little bit better than last week. I was able to calm down more, which I think created an easier-going mood generally. Though it was still not nearly as structured as would have liked it to be, lots of "general talk" and stuff like that, and I have a hard time finding a balance between small-talk and study-talk! :)

After that was done, I went in search for my OT professor to see if we could have a talk about this whole seminar-stupid-confusing-thing ... but he wasn't there. Instead I managed to locate our computer-guy, I had been asked to get login information from him to a 'mentor-blog' on the Department-website, so I did. Only to find out that 1) I had apparently disturbed him in something important, and 2) I wasn't supposed to come to him at all, because one of the other mentors had all the information so I should have gone to her (but I was in fact asked to come see this guy).
I got the information, but I still couldn't help feeling stupid.

After that I went home with a throbbing headache, and I just feel superconfused and sad regarding everything in my life right now ... so I'm not in a great mood.

Luckily I didn't have to get up that early today, the only thing I have planned is the Department's Kick-Off which is at 6 p.m. tonight. I have never gotten brave enough to go, I was about to last semester, but couldn't find anyone to go with, so I ended up staying at home. I don't have anyone to go with this time either, but apparently the Kick-Off is mandatory for all mentors, so now I have to be able to go anyway. I just hope I find someone I know once I get there, I'll definitely feel stupid if I'm left standing there all alone ...

I really hope things can start to work out soon, because I would like to get back to blogging the way I used to here - and now it all just feels confusing! I don't have the energy to blog as often as I would like, and once I do, I have so much explanation to do, it just feels like really boring entries ... *sigh*

Feeling a bit stupid ...

Yes, I'm feeling a bit stupid now ... things are REALLY intense right now, and I'm trying to deal with that as best I can right now, but that does not involve blogs! I feel like I'm neglecting every blog I have, even though I really want to keep them going ... *sigh*

I'm sorry about that, and I really I hope I will be able to do a real catch-up during the weekend, when things are hopefully not quite so intense!

What's shortly going on right now is the fact that I presented the whole mentor-thing on the Old Testament introduction yesterday ... and I hope I at least did okay ... and tomorrow will be the really big thing, when I'm going to lead the first mentor meeting! *HELP* Apart from that I have my own introduction, to essays and reading courses, on Thursday, and a meeting with the girl responsible for the mentor-programme in our Department on Friday, and I also have to go down to CSN (The National Board of Student Aid) on Friday (I hate those guys), but hopefully I can try to relax at least a little bit during the weekend, and catch up on the internet in general.

I'm sorry I'm so short, but I really need to spend all the time I can at trying to get things to work out practically right now ....
Take care!

Forget The Past - Look To The Future!

I think the title says it all! :)
This week has not been good at all, but I have managed to work out most of the problems that have arisen, and now I'm mostly trying to forget all about it! And look to the future ... Which isn't quite as easy as it sounds!

At the moment I'm working on the Greek report, which I'm hoping will be finished by tomorrow night. I can't be sure though, as it's a lot of work left on it ... but at least I can hope, right?!
And after that starts next week, which will be intense to say the least!!

Here's a short summary for you:
On Monday the Old Testament course I will be mentor for has its introduction at 10, and I will be there, following the lecture but also introducing myself as well as the SI-programme (SI=Supplemental Instruction), and I will also set a time for the first mentor meeting, which will be on Wednesday (so hopefully that works out for the students as well).
After that I have some work to do in the library, checking up stuff for the next semester ...
On Monday night we are invited to our Greek teacher for a last celebration, and I'm going to meet up with our mentor at the Department so I can accompany her there (I have a horrible sense of direction and would probably get lost otherwise!).
I think pretty much everyone in our group will be there (at least all of those I've talked to) so I think that can be a pleasant evening.
On Tuesday the main thing will be to plan and shop for the SI-meeting - but I also need to work on stuff for next semester.
Wednesday will be Old Testament lecture (you are supposed to follow 1-2 lectures a week for the course where you are mentor), and after that my premiere as SI-leader! *NERVOUS* Since I happen to have my birthday on Wednesday, I'll probably arrange some cake or something!
Thursday I have the introduction to my essays and reading courses - that shouldn't be too much to worry about, but I should arrange a private meeting with the professor as soon as possible after that!
On Friday all the SI-leaders at the Department have a meeting with the lady responsible for it, we are going to go through schedules, write our contracts and such!
And then I'll probably be dead ... :)

I'm seriously panicking over the mentor thing, but I still REALLY hope I can do something good of it, because I think it's a wonderful opportunity in so many ways! I get to try to be a 'leader', I get an even deeper insight into 'my' subject, I can hopefully work together with the teachers, at least to some extent ... and fact of the matter is - as embarrassing as this is - this will be my first 'real' work EVER! *scary*

Add to all this all the general stuff, such as 'general studies', meeting friends, shopping, cleaning, laundry - and I'll certainly have a busy week, that's for sure!

But at least I got some relaxation today, when Lena came by for a visit, some lunch and a chat! It was really great catching up, it gets a bit easier when we can sit down in peace, instead of being at the Department where you're constantly interrupted by something or someone!

I guess there's no turning back now though - it's back to Paul and the Galatians and the Law and Abraham and the promise and everything else I'm supposed to say something intelligent about!

I hope the rest of you are enjoying your Saturday a bit more than I am! (My favourite company on a Saturday night does NOT include Paul, Novum Testamentum Greace and a Theological Dictionary ...)

Going Through A Rough Time!

I'm not feeling on top of the world right now, even though things haven't completely hit rock bottom either.
I was going to the mentor-thing yesterday, the SI-eduction (SI=Supplemental Instruction), and let's just say I didn't do very well. This is still something I feel is very real and I haven't gotten all the distance to it that I would like to, so I'd rather not discuss it publicly, at least not yet ...

Some other news though, that rather tie in with this.
I have created yet another new blog. This one is however a little bit different.
I enjoy writing a lot, if I hadn't kept a diary all these years I don't think I would have coped, and I will still keep that to myself. But there are some things that go on in my life, that I don't mind sharing with those that are quite close to me and people I know I can trust 100% and more. So, therefore I have created another blog (which is in Swedish - sorry ...) where I can be more personal than I am here - because that blog is open for invited people only. I have sent out invites, but if you feel like I've missed YOU (I may definitely have forgotten someone!), please don't hesitate but let me know, and I'll make sure to send you an invite.
For this reason I won't give you the address to the blog either, but I still wanted to mention it. I'm very fond of this blog, which I think is rather personal actually, and I will keep it - but there are some things that I don't feel comfortable writing about here, but that I wouldn't mind my closest friends to find out about. So this new blog will serve that purpose.

Now I'm going to start gathering strength and hopefully cope with tomorrow in an acceptable way. Last Greek lecture, so I really should be there ...:)

Happy Birthday!

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my youngest sister, who turns 2 years old today! :)
I spoke to her on the phone today, which was actually the first time! She's never been big on the phone either, some times she's listened, but she's never said anything herself. But today she talked to me, and answered my questions! *cutie*

Other than that, today has been pretty bad. I'm still suffering from my cold - at times it gets better, but then I just find myself completely out-of-it again! And I can't really afford that the way things are right now!

I think I have come up with a solution that should work, so that the consequences won't be too bad, and I guess that's a good thing at least.
Anyhow, now I'm mostly focusing - no, totally focusing - on getting through tomorrow and Tuesday, which won't be easy! I have so very mixed feelings about this whole mentor thing, and that just makes it harder to handle it. Originally I did want to become a mentor, when I saw how the system worked this fall. I knew it would be a massive challenge and at the time, it was just a thought, nothing substantial about it. Later on, things got pretty complicated, with both Greek and the essay, and then the essay not working out so well ... and I decided not to pursue this whole mentor-thing, but wait a semester and see how I felt then.
But when they contacted me and actually asked me if I wanted to be mentor, there was no way I could turn it down. I have worked toward the goal of actually "becoming a person" at the Department, not just someone who is invisible and completely anonymous - and this told me I've come a long way there! So then all of a sudden, the mentor thing was on again.

I still do want to be a mentor, I think it would be fun and challenging and a good merit to take with me - but I'm at the same time completely terrified. I will be the centre of everything, I will lead an entire group (and I have no clue as to how big that group could be!), I will have to come up with activities that work, I will have make sure that what I do actually help these students (otherwise the whole idea is lost) - and I'm soooo anxious about that!
While I'm going to lead a mentor meeting tomorrow, the whole thing becomes painfully real now, because this is actually the start of it all ... no turning back or putting off any longer! *gulp*
It doesn't help my anxiety that I don't know where we are supposed to meet (I know which building, but that's it), or the fact that there will be as many as 30 people there! *gulp again*
I know that I basically do want this, and I do not intend to back down from it (in fact, the 'solution' I mentioned earlier actually came about so as I could still attend this mentor-education!), but that doesn't stop me from being in a state of panic.

I have an early morning tomorrow, and I have a strong feeling I will need some time with my diary tonight as well as tomorrow, so I think I'd better get started on that so I can get at least some sleep tonight!

Wish me luck tomorrow, okay!?

Good But Intense Week!

Saturday night, and I guess it's time to summarize this week - which I guess I have already done in the title! *lol* I stick with that statement: It's been good but intense!

The most important things this week has of course been the Greek exam - I still quite can't understand it!! I knew Greek came fairly easy to me (ironically, I find Greek a lot easier than Hebrew, but it's Hebrew I'm going to continue with *lol*), but I had missed so much and didn't feel well at all the last 3-4 weeks before the exam ... so being able to get the result I actually did feels fantastic!!

I'm also very happy - and a little bit proud - that I have managed to get to all lectures this week, and that I have coped with them the way I have! I still don't know why, all of a sudden, the translation-thing seems to work so much better now, but I'm certainly not complaining! :) I seem to establish myself, my person, ME, in this group, in a way I never have before - and I think that I have actually been establishing myself and getting a better self esteem all the way through 2008 ... and yet, it seems to be even more evident now!
And fact of the matter is - I REALLY enjoy it! :)

Yesterday was quite an intense day ... we didn't have lectures until 12 (stupid!!), but I still went into Uni to study at the library at 9. On the way there I met another Greek student, so we ended up studying together, even though she was studying Greek and I was working on my essay. Around 10 we had a sort of "inofficial mentormeeting", the meeting on Thursday was cancelled, so we were having an informal one - which basically meant having coffee in the Student Union Recreation room! *lol* Very nice!
I got in about 45 minutes of studying after that as well, but had a bit of a headache that didn't want to go away!

Lectures at 12, I did feel a bit more anxious than usual at the beginning, but once the whole thing was on the way, it more or less disappeared (not completely but to a great extent). We have been few students there this week, the average has been 5-6 (we are 11 in the group), which means everyone gets to translate quite a lot ... and since it has been going so well for me, I am actually happy about it, because now, the more I say and do, the more "de-dramatized" the whole concept will be!
I also feel, like I said before, that I have 100% established myself in the group, I am fully accepted, I do not feel at all alienated, and I can - in a way that I never even thought possible! - take the fact that people are making comments or jokes regarding me ... I know they are all nice and friendly and that is the way people interact with each other, while I only a few years ago would have been devastated and felt like I was the joke of the entire Department!

After lectures I did a little shopping before I went home, where I actually managed to completely get rid of my headache! *YAY!* I took the afternoon off, making tacos and just relaxing - it was wonderful!!
I slept in today to, I almost slept to 10 o'clock!! *GASP* (I usually feel like I sleep in when I get up at 7.30!) - guess I really could do with the rest!
The morning was really really slow, and I nothing got done, but this afternoon I have cleared the kitchen, done some internet-work, emailed my essay-professor and translated all of Mark 4 ... not so bad, right?! :)
But no more studying tonight, now I'm gonna wind down and get to bed, and hopefully get an early start tomorrow!

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Gospel of Mark, R.T. France
Currently watching: Family Guy
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Work on my essay, grocery shopping, Greek studies