1978 - 2008

Wow ... 30 years old! Quite amazing, huh?! In some ways I don't feel even close to being 30 years old, and in other ways I feel I passed 30 a loooong way back! Very confusing! :)





This day has in many ways been very confusing too! I did take it quite easy this morning, considering the fact that I didn't fall aslepp until some time after 2 a.m. *yawn*
We had the introduction of one of the courses I will take, unfortunately I don't have the English translation for it yet - the detailed information on the course isn't avaliable online yet (great timing, since it started TODAY!) ... but it's basically Bible studies, with a focus on interpretations. When I first arrived at Uni, a fried I've taken a few courses came over, she'd heard there had been a celebration for me yesterday so she wanted to congratulate me - very sweet!!! I didn't stay at Uni more than about 3 hours, but unfortunately a couple of not-so-great-at-all incidents occured ... at least one of them beeing of the really-not-so-great kind ... more catastrophic ... I'm trying to deal with it because there's absolutely nothing I can do about it - but it really, really, really does bother me.

When I came home I went to do some grocery shopping, and managed to run into one of the women I "worked" with when I was on sick-leave, before I got back to studying full-time! She's hardly EVER even in my town, so I was quite surprised to see her - and happy!!!!! I hadn't seen her in ... about six months I think, so it was really really nice!!

I figured I'd be able to relax a little when I got home ... but two florists called and said they had flowers to deliver, one bouquet from my Mom, and one from my Dad and his family - *THANK YOU*! Aren't they absolutely gorgeous!!!!





Things have been very up and down today, so I'm mostly feeling confused! Some things have been really wonderful and great, and other have been just terrible! Unfortunately I'm really tired now, and should do SO much - but right now, I'm actually prioritizing my diary! I don't think I'll be able to cope with this semester if I'm not really up-to-date there and can use it a lot ... unfortunately I've fallen a bit behind, so I reckon it'll take a number of hours before I feel good about that ...
Speaking of which, that's what I'll do now! :)

Take care - and a very special thank you for all my birthday greetings (several on Facebook, that I did not expect!!), birthday cards, flowers and presents!!! I'm really greatful! :)

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: [Should be reading] the Bible
Currently watching: Latest episode of Stargate SG-1 on TV6
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Hebrew lecture, Old Testament lecture, studies, cleaning

Horrible Start of this Week!

Yes, this week did not start out great, that's for sure!
I was going to visit the place where I used to 'work' during my sickleave this morning, to sort out a lot of things regarding my essay! The trouble started on the way there, when I was that close to hitting a rabbit!! I've NEVER killed an animal while driving, although I've had my licence for over 10 years now, but this was WAY to close for comfort! It darted out just in front of me, and I hit the brakes as hard as I could. I still can't say what would have happened, if the rabbit hadn't sensed the danger and actually turned around and lept back instead of continuing across the road - because for that split second, my mind didn't know wether I would be able to break in time, or end up in a ditch ....
Very scary!!

Problems continued at work, when it turns out the lady I really needed to speak wasn't there. It's way to complicated to try to describe everything here, but in the long run, it looks like I won't be able to finish my essay during the summer like I had intended. I can write large parts of it, but I can't complete it until I can visit work more, with regular visits and also talks and interviews with people who aren't there now. In effect though, this means I won't be able to get a passing grade on my essay until January 2008, and it was really due this past January (2007) ... *sigh* I hate putting things off like that, I just don't know what else to do right now ....

After work I was going shopping at a large mall, which I had been looking forward to. On the way there, I came across two cats fighting eachother in the middle of the road! I saw them in good time, so I had time to slow down and nearly stop and try to scare them - but I met a car that came round a corner at high speed ... I tried to warn him by using the horn and my lights, but he never even looked at the road since he was far to busy being upset at me!! Gee, sorry for trying to save some lives!! Luckily, the cats made it though.

When I arrived at the mall, I had a throbbing headache, but I had quite a few errands to run, and after that I was going to another mall for even more errands. After noticing that the headache was getting worse by the minute, and that all I tried to do turned out completely wrong - I didn't find what I was looking for, I bought a gift for one of my sisters only to realize she already has that exact same thing (way to go!!!) ... the list could go on!

I couldn't take it anymore, so I just went home - I'll have to go back some other time ...

Now the problem is figuring out just what to do when!! I had a really fine plan worked out which included studies for the exam next week, working out stuff with the essay and generally getting things done in preparation for the summer - and now it feels everything is turned upside down and I don't know what to do ....

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading:
Currently watching:
Currently listening to:
My Plans for tomorrow:

Complete Exhaustion!

I wonder if I will ever recover and not feel completely exhausted, drained and definately more dead than alive?!
I didn't have much on the agenda today - after yesterday's complete chaos, I had to cancel a meeting I had scheduled for this afternoon - but despite that, I'm feeling like a corpse that has to walk around looking alive ... *sigh*

Last visit to my work place before the holidays today ... it was a cleaning/planning day today, which was kinda fun, since it's only the staff there!! Also, I did perform two interviews ... and even though I was nervous, it kind of felt okay ... but it's hard to try to remember everything you should do, and should not do in an interview ... I think it turned out okay though ...

I was home early, at two, but despite that I haven't managed to do very much this afternoon ... I just feel like I could sleep 24/7 right now!
I'm trying to gather strength for tomorrow, which will be a rather long day! I'll take the bus to Gotheburg, where I will meet my Dad - who will drive there. We'll "exchange modes of transport" there, so I'll get the car and he'll take the train back! I'm not usually worried about these kinds of things, but with the weather problems we've been having, I'm a little worried about how the roads will be ... We've had an abnormal amount of rain this fall, and pretty much the entire West Coast of Sweden is flooded! The train traffic aren't moving at all in some places, and I've also heard reports that roads have been flooded and closed ... *yikes*
Guess I'll just have to hope for the best, right?!


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Why A Title?

Today I'm wondering why my blog entry needs a title?!? Since I can't think of anything appropriate that would summarize today's events ... I guess this one will have to do though! *lol*

Confusing day, to say the least!
I went to work first, which was fun! Trying to decorate a plastic tree ... three people more or less involved trying to move electric candles around like crazy and ending up with all the candles on one side and the electric chord nowhere near the outlet ... way to go! (Guess it would have been kinda fun to watch though! *lol*)
Anyway, it was rather slow at work, which I felt was quite nice. Despite that, I left work with a headache and a near panic attack over a meeting at Uni. The meeting in itself (what was actually said) wasn't terrific, but at least the outcome of the meeting was good for me ... it did in a way relieve some of the stress and tension that I'm feeling now, so that was good. There were however surrounding circumstances, which weren't good at all ... :( It's WAY complicated, and nothing has been sorted out ... but it wasn't good at all.

On top of all that, it's been totally stormy and raining cats and dogs, so I was wet already at Uni. Then I had to wait for about 20 minutes for my train (I had a roof over my head, but since it was SO windy, I still managed to get REALLY wet!), there were some delays, because an electric cable had blown across one of the train tracks ... terrific! When I got 'home' (that is, to 'my' town), I needed to do some grocery shopping ... so I had to wait for a delayed bus from the railway station, outside in pouring rain for a bit over ten minutes, then do the shopping and wait - outside in pouring rain! - for another delayed bus for fifteen minutes!
Let's just say my mood hasn't been great tonight ...

I also have three major heavy days ahead of me - and some other unsolved business ... along with some other issues ... what? You think I'm vague?? Where on Earth did you get that from??? :)
Sorry, I know I'm not making much sense, what I wanted to say is that I'm in for rough times, that's all.
Wish me luck ... on ... pretty much everything! ;)


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Weird Day!

Today has been somewhat strange. Certain things has happened that from one perspective can be seen as very positive and really great and from another perspective as not so great at all. I hate it when things get so confusing all the time ... I definately prefer simplicity in my life, but I guess I'm not that lucky, right?!

Work was okay today - a little slow but that actually suits me just fine these days. One Mom arrived with her two kids, I really really like them all, and I haven't seen them in ages so it was great seeing them again! Although you really tend to realize how time flies when you see how fast the kids grow! *yikes*

Things had felt okay all morning, but when I got home in the afternoon, I more or less collapsed ... due to a number of things. I have been feeling really low all afternoon and all evening, and I really hope I can get out of this mess soon, because it's very very hard to always feel so down, and constantly see that things happen that makes everything worse and worse and worse ...

Practically I have only done one thing today (apart from work) - pathetic, isn't it?? Anyway, it's something I've been putting off like forever, because it's by far the most disgusting domestic work I know!! Cleaning out the drains from the shower! Yuck!!! It's sooooo horrible, I have a really hard time doing that - but at least my entire bathroom is spotless now - thank you very much!! I still have a list of like a hundred things I really need to do, but when I'm feeling this bad, I just tend to ignore everything ... *sigh*

Tomorrow is going to be very tough as well. Work again, but this time one group in the morning and one in the afternoon - meaning I'll leave home - and Zorro!!! - at about 7 a.m. and will be home about 6p.m. ... NOT funny!!
The weekend is looking a little slower, so hopefully I can clean the rest of the apartment then, put up some decorations etc. Although I really needed a meeting with a teacher this week, and just found out he's on a conference all Thursday and Friday! Typical!

Well, I guess I'd better try to get some sleep as I have an early morning and a long day tomorrow!
Good night!


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'Decisions, Decisions'

Another long and rather stressful day today.
I went to work first, and was meant to collect a lot of information for my essay! I had questions to ask, questionnaires to hand out etc. and I got absolutely nothing done!! *sigh* It was not total neglect on my part though, because I got sort of talked into trying to do this project, which kept my busy for most of the morning, but it still feels terrible that I spent four hours there without getting anything at all done for my essay - so that felt more or less like a waste of time! Even though I do enjoy being there, right now my time there has to center around the essay ... which of course it didn't today!

After work I went to visit my mentor, who is a really wonderful girl! Unfortunately, since I feel so low right now, I just feel awful that I can't think of a single positive thing to say - I feel really terrible about that ... so that meeting wasn't really great either unfortunately!

When I managed to get home I realized I definately need to make some decisions about the upcoming weeks and what I will and will not do right now. I've been putting off making these decisions because I can't for the life of me figure out what to decide, what will be 'right' and what will be 'wrong'?? Still, I couldn't wait any longer or it would all collapse ...
So, I've made a few decisions tonight!
I thought I would feel better once I had actually decided something and knew what to work from, but I don't! I still feel really really worried that I've made the wrong decisions and that all Hell will break loose any minute! I also realized that I'd forgotten something rather important today, which means that tomorrow will be completely crazy and stressed out and generally weird! Why can't something work out for me right now?!?!? Everything just keeps falling to pieces and I don't know how much longer I can take that ....

On top of all this - as if that wasn't enough - some old 'issues' have come up and become rather accute now!! I had tried hard to if not forget about them (which probably isn't possible) but at least try to put them someplace in the back of my mind, where they wouldn't occupy me very much! It has worked for a while, but now they've lept forward and are actually occupying a whole lot of my mind ... and I really need to focus on other things right now! Unfortunately, there's not an Off-button for your feelings and emotions, is there?!

I know my blog entries can't be that uplifting to read nowadays and I'm sorry for that - but I can't very well sit here and write stuff that isn't true, right? I'm focusing my blog very much on what goes on in my day-to-day life ... and that means ups as well as downs, right?

I really hope all of you are feeling better than I am right now, because I wouldn't wish this on anybody!!!





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Happy News!

Despite everything that's happened lately, I actually have happy news tonight! Yay!
I found out that the grades for the previous course had been reported, so I immediately loggged on to check it out (we can see our reported grades through the internet), and I was happily surprised to see that I got the high grade, Pass with Distinction!! YAY ME!!
We were told that nobody had failed the course (it's practically more or less impossible to fail a course like that if you don't drop out - which some people did ...), but then there was the question of Pass or Pass with Distinction! I really didn't think I'd get more than a passing grade, although of course I'd had some kind of vague hope for the higher grade. But when I tried to go through what'd really done on the course, I didn't think I deserved more than a passing grade - but aparantly the teacher felt differently! And I'm soooo not complaining!! *lol*

I visited my work place today, for the first time in a very long time! This was one of those up-and-down-experiences ... which felt rather weird, as I don't usually get those at work!! Some stuff didn't go well at all, and other went better than I had expected! *confused*
Still, with the grade-thing and all, I guess this will have to constitute a good day - even if some stuff weren't that great at all!

I'm really tired, and I have quite a lot of stuff to do tomorrow as well, so I'd better try to get some sleep now!
Good night!


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A Good Day's Work .. And More!

I really must apologize in advance for this entry, which I'm fairly sure won't make much sense to anybody reading it! I have such an extremely intense day today, I'm completely drained both mentally and physically!
I feel I can't quite go into detail about everything here, partly because it's rather private and personal, and partly because I could probably sit here and write for about 24 hours straight if it came to that!! I guess I'll have to make a overall entry from this very intense day, before I completely crash!

I went to visit my work place this morning, and it was nice that I managed to do it! Unfortunately one of the ladies I work with was ill, so she didn't come, and there was only one Mom there with her daughter! I know them, because they've been there before, and it was nice to meet them and all that, but it always feels a bit strange when there aren't any more people there.

Than came the afternoon, with lecture at Uni. The entire time spent there is just far to vast for me to try and describe. One major thing turned out pretty badly, or, well ... not really "bad", but toally unexpected and something I feel I am completely unequipped to handle, so that was a real shock to me. I also came to realize that had this happened a year ago, or maybe even six months ago, I would have left!! I wouldn't have known what to do and I would have just walked out! This to me indicates that I am getting better, my mind don't get completely blown away when I get a panic attack, I somehow manage to still have some sort of connection to reality, which means I could sort of deal today, and stay during the entire lecture. In some ways I got my "reward" for that too ...
Also, some other stuff felt like it worked out really well today, actually surprisingly well, and I don't really know how it turned out so good ...

Sorry about this entry - again - my mind is just a huge blur at the moment, and I haven't really managed to sort all my feelings and emotions out just yet ... I don't think it's much of a point for me to go on writing here ... I'll just keep rambling on and on, and will sound more and more like a complete lunatic ... something which I'm hoping to avoid! ;-)
It will certainly take some time to deal with this ... I hope I will make an entry every day in the future as well, but I have a feeling it will strictly be a report on what has been going on. I don't think I will be able to share any emotions in this blog for a while yet.
Hope you'll still want to read it though ...:)


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Time For A Change

Today was a much better day than yesterday, thanks for that!
I went to visit my work place, and it worked out really well! Since I haven't been there regularly for a very long time now (nearly 8 months!), it sometimes get a bit awkward - they have new routines that I don't know about, there are new Moms and new babies, that have no idea what I'm doing there etc, but luckily today turned out to be a good day!
Afterwards I went about a bit, running some errands, but at least I managed to all the things I needed to do done in the end.
I got home about 3 p.m. but I have been soooo tired ever since! It really really bothers me that I'm always so tired and I never have any energy at all! I mean, most everybody work 8 hours a day, they have maybe some hobbies, a house, a family with kids ... how do they manage?? When I'm out and about for four or five hours, I'm more or less unconscious!! Earlier I always felt like I could excuse myself with the fact that I wasn't feeling well, I was on sick-leave, I was always very tense and had high levels of anxiety which definately drains you of all energy, but I can't go on making those excuses forever either, can I?
* annoyed with myself *

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this, and I really think I need to start changing some things in my life! I know I'm really bad at that, I always say that I'll "start a new life tomorrow" and it never happens, but I really really feel that I need to make some changes now! I know I won't be able to pull it through if things start going wrong - if I get sick, or if something major goes against me, because that always makes me take a dip in my very own depression-pool. But, if I can stay away from any serious illness and any other major disasters, I really really hope I can make the effort and start chaning! I need to be more disciplined in my life! If I have stuff I need to do, wether it's studying, working on websites, cleaning the apartment or whatever, I need to just get it done! Now I'm mostly just sitting around thinking about all the things I really need to do, but I never ever managed to just get them done! I also really need to start focusing on what I eat! I had this huge gluten-attack the day before the introduction at Uni, which really scared the hell out me! Since then I'm on a gluten-free diet of course, but I need to eat a lot better than what I do! Less fat, less suger, more fibers, vegetables etc! I also really should start exercising, something which I really really hate to do! But I know I need it, and I'm thinking that maybe I won't get so tired if I start exercising regularly!

Okay, I'm rambling on as usual! ;) I'll try to keep you posted on my ideas on changing, to see if I can make them work or not!

Also, I might be able to go to a cool concert in a few weeks! I really hope so! A famous musical couple (they're actually married!), Christer and Cecile Nerfont, will make a show called "Musical Highlights" in a town not far from here, and I totally want to go!! I'm hoping a friend of mine will come with me, but if she can't, I'll definately go alone! :-)


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