Saturday, 9 July 2011

Difficult Times

I've been going through a few difficult days now, which is why I haven't been blogging. I'm trying to make a lot of changes in my life, and they are not easy to make. I'm learning some hard truths about myself, and that isn't always easy either. Therefore I am struggling a lot with myself and my attitude to a lot of things in my life now and that is taking a lot of energy.
I know this is the right thing to do right now, I am at a time and place in my life where I need to make these changes, and I also think I am mature enough and have come far enough to actually make them - but like I said earlier, they don't come easy, that's for sure.

I'm trying to maintain my normal life at the same time, meaning I am often very tired and bordering on exhausted, and I just hope I can see this through. I know that all of this will be put on pause when I go back to the summerhouse, because when I'm there and when I'm spending time with my families, I simply cannot work with myself the way I can when I'm at home. Therefore I'm also hoping to come as far as possible now, before going back there - but I still don't know when that will be.
My Dad and his family will come here for a few days first, sort of a mini-vacation, and then we'll all go back together, but they haven't decided on when they're going to come here yet - they have a lot on their plate and there's also the weather to consider - we can't be cooped up in my little apartment, all five of us, if it constantly rains ...

I'm hoping to be able to do a bit more of blogging before going back to the summerhouse, but a lot depends on how I'm feeling.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Sad Day ...

5 July 1997 ~ 5 July 2011
This would have been Zorro's 14th birthday.

My thoughts have been with Zorro all day today, and I still feel very sad and very upset that I've lost him. I know it was a long time ago, and I know that I'm coping with my life, but as soon as I allow myself to think about him, I get all torn up inside. I still, after all this time, can't grasp the fact that I'll never ever see him again, that I'll never be able to touch him, to hold him, to hear him ...

I figured, before this happened, that I'd be devastated once I had to get used to life without Zorro - after all, I did have time to "get used to" the idea, as Zorro was quite old when he died. But not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how difficult it would be!!
I don't think it took me very long to realize and accept Zorro's death - but I still haven't been able to realize and accept my life without him ... there is actually a great difference between the two ...

As I was going through my digital photos today, I was sad to see there are hardly any photos of me and Zorro together! :( I know my Mum took some photos about 7 years ago, but that was before I had a digital camera so I don't have those pictures in the computer ... apart from that there are very few photos actually ... and most of the ones I have are pictures of me and Zorro with my Dad and his family, where all of us are standing together - so I basically have to crop the photos a lot to get just me and Zorro! :(
I'll share pretty much all of these photos I have (I think there might be one or two more, but I'm not sure ...).

Monday, 4 July 2011

The Flying Doctors

Those of you who have know me quite a long time know that some ten to fifteen years ago I was totally, and I mean TOTALLY, into the Australian TV show "The Flying Doctors". For a number of years I ran a fairly successful website about the show, and I even met one of the actors, Christopher Stollery in 2001!
As time went by, my interest sort of cooled off a little. I still think it's an amazing TV show, but I'm quite as hooked on it as I was back then.

When I received the Honorary Diploma for extraordinary achievements within SI my Mum decided to give me the entire Flying Doctors DVD Set, containing all 9 seasons!!!! Such an amazing gift!!!!!
I've watched the first two seasons so far, and I'm quickly realizing why I was so taken by this show earlier! I'm actually even thinking of bringing my old website back to life again, although that will be a long term project, and I'm not giving any guarantees at all!!

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Big Girls!

Not having seen my little sisters since early February it was quite a surprise to see how grown up they are ... time sure flies by fast!!

M is almost 7 years old now, it's hard to realize! I still remember getting to hold her in the hospital when she was 27 hours old!! Incredible!
She's gone to "school" for a year now (I think it's something in between the "real" school and pre-school that Swedish 6-year-olds can attend, and I think that has made her grow up a lot. The way she moves and talks is quite different and she is really intelligent! She reads children's books fluently now, and it's not uncommon that she crawls up in a bed or a couch and reads to her little sister - so adorable! :)

I is 4½ years old now, and that's also hard to take in. She's been the "baby" for so long, I am constantly amazed by the fact that she is a very bright and beautiful little girl now! She looks up to her little sister a lot and she's starting to read as well now! Now very long words and still only upper case letters, but I still think that's pretty impressive for a 4½-year-old!! Also, if you give her a word, say up to six or seven letters long, she can spell it out for you!

They really play well together now, which is lovely to see. Of course, they don't always get a long and sometimes they argue quite a lot, but for the most time they are best friends and stick together - and with them playing so well together it takes some of the pressure off me! :) They still very much want me to be with them, but they accept that I sometimes have to do other things as they can always play with each other!

Some photos of the "Big Girls"! :)

Friday, 1 July 2011

Back Home Again!

After about two weeks in the summerhouse, I'm back home for a few weeks now - then I'm going back again! :-)

It's been intense times, so I'm fairly tired now, today has been a very slack day indeed, but I'm feeling a bit better now, so I'm hoping to get stuck into a lot of things tomorrow.

I spent about a week in the summerhouse by myself first, and it was actually a very difficult time for me. It was the first time I was there since Zorro passed away and I was instantly moved back to November again. I don't think I've ever been in the summerhouse without him since around 2002, and it was more difficult than I could have imagined. We had deliberately planned it so I would be out there by myself first, and I think that was a good decision, I could never have coped to be there with my Dad and his whole family straight away.

I tried to keep busy by working outside, but the weather wasn't exactly co-operating with me as it rained heavily almost the entire time ... I did get a bit of work done but I was also left thinking a lot inside ... not that I think that's a bad thing, I think I really needed it - but I won't deny I felt pretty awful.

My Dad and his family came out to the summerhouse the day before Midsummer and it was great seeing them all again, of course. The girls have grown SO much (but then again, I hadn't seen them since February!), and they are wonderful to be around, even though I sometimes find it a bit difficult to adapt to the intensity it brings being around an entire family like that.

On Midsummer's Day I took a train to visit my Mum, and it was wonderful to see her again. We had a lot of catching up to do as she's had some problems with her phone lately, so we haven't been able to talk to each other much for a while. I went back to the summerhouse on Sunday evening, and spent the coming three days there with Dad and the rest of the "gang".

We went to "town" (where they live) on Wednesday afternoon and early yesterday morning, I went home. It was quite a long trip, I think mostly because I was completely exhausted. It felt really wonderful when I arrived home, but I was SO tired!

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well tonight, so I've been very tired today as well, and I haven't really gotten a lot of things done, mostly little things. Still, I think it's understandable after the intense times that have been.
I am trying to accomplish a lot of changes in my life at the moment, and I know I can't work at that 100% when I'm not in my usual environment but now I'm getting a few weeks here so starting tomorrow I will try to get stuck into that!

Sharing some photos from the summerhouse - and I have a few more blog entries to go through, not sure if I'll have the energy tonight but otherwise they'll be here tomorrow!