Intense But Good!

Whoa, this semester sure has started off in an intense way, that's for sure!
Still, it's probably the best start of a semester I've had in a great long while, so I'm not complaining about the intensity! :)

Where do I start?
Monday morning was the introduction to the Bible Studies course where I am mentor, so I was going to give them a little information regarding the mentor activity and invite them to the first meeting. Obviously I have done this before (though on another course) and I do know what to say, but I'm still very nervous and anxious about these things, so I didn't sleep much and was up before dawn trying to prepare myself as best I could.

Everything worked smoothly, I had a moment to tell the teacher I wanted a few minutes and it was fine with her - but it was a large group, they were between 25 and 30 students ... On the Hebrew course they usually start out around 15 and end up being 10 ... sort of! :) But I have to say that I don't think my anxiety increased because it was a larger group, and I guess that is a good thing! I think it is the fact that I'm standing up in front of people with all attention directed at me that is the problem, not whether it's six or twelve or fifty people.

So anyway, a lot of information first, from the student counsellor, from the NT teacher and from the OT teacher - and then it was my turn! I think it went okay, pretty good ... I do know I tend to talk WAY to fast (because of the anxiety!), I find it very hard to slow down - and that's a bad thing ... but I think I got the information out that I needed, I got eye contact with a lot of the students etc. so it felt pretty good! :)
We had a bit more of a "usual lecture" toward the end and we were done around ten.

I was pretty exhausted afterwards and didn't quite know how to pass the time, but I ended up reading a few articles for my thesis and I think I at least understood some of it! Points for effort? :)

At 2 p.m. I was meeting with the professor, and it ended up being a pretty good meeting! I felt I knew a bit more about the subject than when I met him last, I had an idea on how to proceed and he approved it - so it was basically a question of detailing what needed to be done and what perspective to take on things. However ...
However, it turns out I'm going to have TONS to do now, I have to send him in a rough draft on September 25, and I have A LOT to do until then! And that does make me a bit nervous, I can't help that! Still, I enjoy doing it and I have the mentor activity to not get too caught up in stressing over my writing - and again, I REALLY have found my place, I love being around the Department and around the people there, so I just simply have to make sure I work as hard as I can during these weeks and hopefully I have accomplished something! :)

Tuesday was really NOT a good day, so I'm just going to not say anything about that - and instead move on to yesterday, Wednesday.

Basic plan was lectures 8-10, first mentor meeting 10-11 and sort of an introductory meeting for students taken (some) advanced level courses and/or writing advanced level essays at 1.
For various reasons (Tuesday was NOT a good day!) I had not been able to prepare much at all during Tuesday, so again I was up at the crack of dawn, trying to get a structure for the first mentor meeting. At first it felt impossible, but I finally managed to work something out, that I also hopefully will be able to use on other meetings, and I left for Uni around 7.
When I got there I was going to fix the coffee and stuff for the mentor meeting, and met another mentor there, who was doing the same thing! :)
She was almost done and when she left, the NT teacher showed up. I know who he is, we say Hello, but I haven't really talked to him, and since I'm going to be mentor on the NT-part as well, I thought this would be a good opportunity to break the ice. We started talking and really hit it off, which was great. He was very curious about how things had been during the first lecture, how I felt about the mentor activity on the course ... so we ended up talking for quite a while. Until I realized that it was 8.12 - and the lecture started at 8.15! Yikes!
I rushed up to the lecture and got there just in time - very interesting lecture, the teacher is fantastic! During the break I went back and got the coffee and things done, and the other half of the lecture was aimed more at getting the students talking and discussing, which I think is great!

We were done at 10 and I called out that we'd have the mentor meeting in the adjoining room. I went there with all my stuff and then went back to see if people would be coming or not! And they did! :) I think we ended up being 11 students, which felt like a pretty good turnout actually, even though I am used to smaller groups!
I gave some basic information and we spent the meeting basically just talking. They got to introduce themselves and we talked about the course and the lectures and the literature ... I have a lot of feelings about the meeting myself, but I don't think this is the place to air them actually.
Still, it felt like a good meeting, as an introduction, and I think and hope I will see these students on the other meetings as well.

I tried to read a bit for my thesis during my break, but it was really slow and I had a bit of a headache. I did manage to organize a mentor meeting schedule to go up on the notice board (which I should have done Monday *oops*), and then I met E, who joined me as mentor last year - she was going to the advanced level introduction-thingy too. We ended up talking and more and more students joined me, a lot of them people I haven't seen in a great long while, so it was really nice catching up with them again.

The introduction-thing was ... I don't know ... I think it's GOOD, really, they are organizing writing-support-groups for students, where you can discuss your writing, comment on texts etc., and they have just general meetings for advanced level students where they try to invite people to talk about different things and so on ... and I know that is really great, but I kind of feel out-of-it. I know a few of the students, sure, but since my studies have been made complicated for oh-so-many reasons, I don't feel like I belong in a group like this - I have taken the same courses they have, or in the same order, I am the only one writing in my subject, which is pretty small and specialized, so I'm not sure how many constructive comments I can get on it ...
I will try to attend, if nothing else to show my general interest in the Department, in a way, but I don't feel very enthusiastic about it ...

I was going to take a train home around 2.45 - only to find out there had been an electrical failure and all train traffic was stopped for a while. My usual trip home (on the train) is 15 minutes ... yesterday it took me 1½ hours ... yay! Not!

*phew*
I'm exhausted today, and I probably won't go to Uni, but I still need to get things done, so I'm hoping I can work on that during the day! :)

Oh yeah, I just have to say THANK YOU to all my visitors, we have hit 36,000 now, since September 20, 2006!!
I'm very happy we reached that since this blog will (almost) stop on September 20! :)
Thanks again!

Intense start!

Feels like this semester sure got off with a bang ... I'm not complaining though, I love being where I am in my life right now, but when a lot of stuff happens at the same time, I tend to be a little nervous about how to cope with everything!

First things first, at the beginning of last week I found I will be able to work as a mentor again, during the first half of this semester! :) It won't the Hebrew course I've been working on before, but a course in Bible Studies, so first there is five weeks Old Testament studies, then five weeks New Testament studies.
We didn't know if were going to have a mentor at all on this course, and it was talks about having a part-time mentor on it (so I had figured that IF I would get it, I'd probably get to have about 4-5 mentor meetings during the entire course) - but when I got the email from my supervisor, it turns out I can have 10 (!) meetings! Cool! (And a little bit scary ...)

During the week, I think I have tried to do a "set-up" for at least the beginning of the semester, so even though I guess it hasn't been that busy, it feels like it, since I know what is to come! :)
I emailed the two Bible Studies-teachers, the OT teacher is the same as on the Hebrew course, I know her and very much enjoy working with her - I "sort of" know the NT teacher too, but I emailed him and properly introduced myself, and we'll be having a meeting about a week before his course starts.
I met the OT teacher on Thursday, and while I had been a bit nervous about working as a mentor since this would be a "new" course for me (I took it myself about 3½ years ago), most of my nervousness went away with that meeting. I became really inspired and motivated and I really hope I can do a good job as a mentor on this course as well!

After that meeting, we had a lunch meeting with all the mentors as the Department and our supervisors, signed contracts etc. It was a nice meeting and we also got lists of the students that probably will take the courses where we are mentors - and I have 28 names on my list! Yikes! The Hebrew group usually ends up being 12-14, so say 6-7 on mentor meetings! :)
Will be a bit of challenge to see how large the mentor group will be on this course!

I also emailed the OT professor as I need to talk to him about my master's thesis, see that I'm going in the right direction with that ...

So next week WILL be busy:
Monday morning, introduction to the Bibles Study course, where I need to introduce myself and the mentor activity (hopefully things will work out with schedules too, I made one last week, but I still haven't heard back from the lady who'd make sure we had a room to be in!).
On Monday afternoon I'm meeting with the professor, so I feel I should have something to say to him as well, which takes some preparations.

Nothing planned on Tuesday except for studies and I have to have a talk to the building supervisor where I live about a few things that aren't working properly.

Wednesday morning, it's Bible Studies lectures and straight after that, the first mentor meeting ... So that takes some preparation too, and of course I'm hoping it will be okay, with a decent turnout.
Right after lunch I have to "registration roll call" (or whatever you're supposed to call it) - basically it's students taking Advanced Level courses (sort of) and writing Advanced Level essays that needs to be registered - and these events are always SO messy ... so I can't say that I'm looking forward to that either, to be honest.

Thursday, no plans apart from my own studies, but on Friday it's time for the first Bible Studies seminar, and after that I'm having lunch with a friend ...

And I might have forgotten a few things ... *phew*

This ended up being quite a long entry, but I would like to finish off by saying a bit more about my upcoming internet project(s).
I have been getting a few comments regarding the fact that I will be switching from English to Swedish with the release of my new website and blog - and I have also started going more Swedish on Facebook. I have mixed feelings about this, but I have thought about it a lot.
I don't want to loose touch with my non-Swedish speaking friends, obviously, but I do find it very difficult to write in English these days.

When I started this blog, it was mostly focused on how I coped with everyday situations - I was coming back from sick leave, still had lots of anxiety and social phobia problems, and I found it almost easier to write in English, as I felt I almost "detached" myself a bit from my situation by writing in English and explaining things in more general terms.
Things have changed quite a bit for me during these past few years. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, but right now my life is centred very much around the University, around my education, my situation there and all that that involves - and that makes it difficult to write in English.
I am not at all familiar with University and education terminology meaning I have to look up a lot of words when I'm writing a blog entry or updating my status on Facebook. Almost all the time I feel that I'm not getting a proper translation, meaning I constantly feel a need to explain and clarify what I mean - and to be honest, I'm not comfortable with that.
I also feel that my Swedish speaking friends some times miss out, because I am describing a situation they are very familiar with, but due to my translating it into English and they translating it back to Swedish, they sometimes don't get what I mean ...

Like I said, I don't want to loose touch with my friends, but I feel like that kind of contact might be held through Facebook messages and/or emails.

I have made my decision regarding this, and naturally I hope you all respect that. With this entry I just wanted to let you know that I'm not doing this on a whim, I have thought a lot about this and I have my reasons for it.
And you will be able to stay here with me at least until September 20 - and I am NOT deleting this blog - so there might be some English entries in the future as well! You'll never know! :)

Two Difficult Days ...

I have been having two rather difficult days now - I'm really not in a great shape at the moment, and am mostly hoping for a better tomorrow now ...

Yesterday was mostly strange, and most of what I did felt weird and wrong and generally strange. What did work out was a meeting with Elisabet to write our mentor report! We have to summarize the work we have done during the semester, a little about statistics and how we have felt regarding the mentor meetings and such, and it felt good to get that done. Now all we need to do is print it out and sign it, and then hand that and a few other things in to our supervisor.

I had a really long day yesterday, and I wasn't home until after 7 p.m., completely exhausted and with a headache ... which I think mostly came from the feeling of not getting done what I had planned and hoped.

And then I made a mistake, actually without even knowing about it! I have recently found some blogs of really old friends or acquaintances ... Some people I knew when I was a kid and from school, and now some of them have gotten "family blogs". I read one of them yesterday and basically broke down completely. I had forgotten the fact that I'd heard they had gotten two cats a while back, Somalis, just like Zorro was. And now there were photos of one of the cats with their baby boy ... and it was Zorro!! I have always felt attracted to the Somali breed and I've seen pictures of LOTS and lots of Somali cats and none of them have even come close to looking a great deal like Zorro (even Zorro's brother, Zimba, didn't look like him that much) - but this was a copy! If you'd cropped the picture I couldn't for the life of me say that that wasn't Zorro!

I haven't had problems with seeing my own photos of Zorro since he passed away, but seeing this cat in a completely different context and somehow knowing it wasn't Zorro yet it looked JUST like him ... it just blew me away!

My headache almost turned into a migraine, and I didn't sleep at all ... maybe dozed a little ... and woke up with a really really severe headache that I haven't managed to get rid of all day! I have tried everything, and then some, but I'm still in pain ...:(
I was supposed to spend the entire day at Uni, as well as having lunch with Elisabet, but there was no way - I've basically spent the entire day in bed ...:(

There's not much I can do about it now, but it sure does mean that the rest of the day will be more complicated ... and now I'm mostly hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight AND that I won't be in this much pain tomorrow ... *fingers crossed*

Sunday Evening

Oh wow, another week has gone! Time sure flies these days ...

This week was mostly dominated by Old Testament seminars for me. I went to one B.A. Essay seminar Tuesday morning and went through 11 interpretation seminars on the OT course! :) The intensity of those days is immense, but at the same time very very rewarding! Still, I think everyone was tired when we were done on Thursday afternoon! :)

I have to say I felt really sad to see this OT group go (all they have left is a written exam on Tuesday). I have grown attached to all the groups when I've been mentor but for some reason I seem to have bonded a bit more with this group as a whole group ... I think it might because I have actually managed to be at every lecture and seminar this group has had on the second part (i.e. since March 28) ... cool! :) (Though my mentor supervisor will probably be upset as she keeps telling I'm not required to attend lectures so much as she's sure it will affect my own studies *lol*)
Since I've become such an integrated part of this group I think it becomes clearer that this semester is actually over now ... well, basically anyway! I still have a lot of work to do on my master's thesis, and I have a meeting scheduled with the professor on June 16, so I guess I can't say it's "summer holidays" just yet ....

I took Friday off, I was quite exhausted and felt I needed a day off. The weekend hasn't been great though. Yesterday was okay I guess, I managed to get a few things done that needed doing - but I didn't feel well in the evening, and by the time I got to bed, all my thoughts were with Zorro. I get this horrible grief attacks, still, where I basically can't do anything at all, I just feel like I'm going to break down completely!
I didn't get any sleep at all (I dozed in front of the TV for an hour or so), and the thoughts have stayed throughout the day, combined with a lot of other things that at the moment is feeling quite complicated. I have run into some problems with my thesis now, and I don't quite know how to sort that out - this week is really short since Thursday is a holiday and I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with everything ... And I have a few other things that I basically have to fit into this week as well.

What has been most difficult today though, has been Zorro. Once I get into these thoughts and emotions, I can't seem to let go! I try everything (at least everything I can think of), I try to really allow myself to think about him and deal with the grief, but I can't do that forever either, and all that happens is that I feel worse and worse - and then I try to do things, get things done, partly in order to break my thought pattern, but also because I really need things to be done - but I just keep seeing and hearing and feeling Zorro, and I get nothing done ...





I dread the night to come, considering last night and how I've been feeling all day today - and I know I simply have to have an active day tomorrow ...

One Week ... Really?

I can't believe all that's happened in just one week ... it feels like it would have been a month, at least. Still, most of it (almost all of it!) has been absolutely fantastic and totally outstanding, so I really feel I would like to go through the entire week here! :)
I'll give credit to those of you who are able to read through all of it, because I have a feeling this will be the longest blog entry I've ever made! LOL! :)

Sunday, May 15

This was a really difficult day for me! It was 6 months to the day since Zorro past away, and I still have difficulties dealing with that, especially during those days, when I tend to think of him more often and more intensely. I had a lot of things to deal with from the previous week as well, so I guess I didn't get anything productive done at all during Sunday, although I need times for thinking, reflecting and personal writing ...
Most things in my life are turning out fantastic now, but I can't help feeling I would have liked to share that with Zorro - because I know he could tell whether I was feeling good or bad. Lots of thoughts regarding Zorro, but I won't get into that now, I might save it for another entry later on.
Here are some old photos of Zorro I found when I was looking through my computer:




Monday

Monday was study day full stop!! I had to hand in a report to the OT professor "during Monday night" on my progress on the master's essay. Needless to say I stressed like an idiot the entire day and felt unprepared to the max.

In my defence, I did have a bit of materials to use, but naturally I hadn't started putting the report together ... and I started with that around lunch time! *oops* I realized I had to get some print-outs, and my printer at home is not really working, so I made the quite possible shortest visit to Uni ever! :) I arrived at the library at 12.50, grabbed a computer and got my print-outs, and was out of there again at 1.03! LOL!

I didn't do anything except wrote, wrote and wrote the entire day, and by about 10 p.m. I had almost 8 pages ... Let's just say I don't think I did a great job proof-reading the thing, but at least I sent it in!

Tuesday

Tuesday was an extremely intense day for me ...
We had lectures at 10 with the OT group, and they were having a seminary discussion on a book by W. Brueggemann (Unsettling God). I had really hoped to be able to read through it really quick before the seminar, but there was (obviously!) no chance of that!
I still got a bit out of the seminary discussion and it was quite interesting. I'm happy to see a course such as this, where there is a clear focus on the language, it's possible to do these kinds of things as well.
After the lecture I ended up in the library assisting some of the students with different things regarding the interpretation they were writing.

Once I got to sit down on my own, the anxiety about the SI-ceremony that afternoon hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't experienced that heavy anxiety in probably several years, and I was really feeling awful. Still, I knew there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but try to do the best I could with it. I was unsure of basically everything: I didn't know how the ceremony would be, I didn't know what would be expected of me (even though I had been assured I would not have to give a 'thank you speech' - which I was more than grateful for!!), and I wasn't even 100% sure of where the ceremony would take place (it was on another University Department, where I've only been a few times, a couple of years ago) ...
I ended up talking a little to my SI supervisor, as I was sitting just outside her room, and eventually we agreed we would walk to the ceremony together, and that helped my anxiety a lot! Just know I would go with someone I knew, wouldn't have to worry about finding the right place etc. helped me a great deal!

We met at 3 o'clock and walked together to the ceremony, and when we entered the auditorium my supervisor exchanged a few words with the man in charge of the whole thing, and she also introduced me. We took our seats and the ceremony started with a few introductory speeches, among those who came was Sven Strömqvist, who is Lund University's Assistant Vice-Chancellor!! After that we heard speeches relating SI (Supplemental Instruction) to not only Universities but also senior high school/college and also how you can use it when you go out to work in the world outside University - and we also heard a speech from two students who have worked within SI and had the opportunity to go to America to attend an SI conference.

After the speeches, it was time for the handing out of Diplomas, and first up were the Honorary Diplomas, which apparently was given to me and three other students. I had no idea how they wanted to do this, and when they said it would be done alphabetically I basically panicked - but I was so lucky, as there was one girl who came before me!! (Not often that happens.)
So anyway ...
We were called down in front of everyone, and got to listen to the nomination text that our supervisors had written when nominating us, and then we got our Diploma and a little present.
And I have to admit, I am proud of the fact that I went through with it, because this was a really big deal for me! The auditorium was in no way crowded, but there were enough people for me to feel really really anxious! But I did it! :)
It was a great relief to be able to get back to my seat and realize that most of it was over for my part, that's for sure.
After the Honorary Diplomas and been handed out, all the mentors who were quitting were given diplomas as well - but a lot of people who had said they'd come didn't show up, so things became a little bit awkward ...

There were snacks and drinks prepared afterwards, but first they wanted everyone who had gotten a diploma to gather near the entrance and we were photographed - and after that we were able to get snacks and talk to the others. Since I was completely shaky after the almost extreme tenseness I found it difficult to talk and be friendly, and I didn't stay long.
But it still felt amazing to have gone through with that day, that's for sure! :)

Wednesday

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the OT professor to discuss the report ... and since I emailed it so late on Monday night and my mind was somewhere else entirely on Tuesday I felt I needed to prepare for the meeting quite a lot. I went to Uni fairly early and printed my report and went over it, quite a number of times. I also met a lot of the OT students working on their interpretations and I also talked a little with my SI supervisor before heading up the professor on the third floor.

The talk we had went really well actually. We started talking "generally" when he suddenly interrupted our conversation, and realized he'd forgotten to congratulate me to the Honorary Diploma!! I didn't even know he knew, and SI feels a little bit like it's own "department" within the University, so I was quite surprised. He ended up giving me SO many lovely comments and compliments I was completely and utterly embarrassed!! I think the peak was when he told me how he had met Sven Strömqvist (the Assistant Vice-Chancellor who attended the SI-ceremony) at a conference earlier during Tuesday morning, and how proud he (the OT professor) had been to tell the Vice-Chancellor that one of his students was one of the recipients of the Honorary Diploma! *yikes!!*
I was (and am!!) SO flattered, but I really don't know what to do with myself when things like that come up, I have no idea what to say and I mostly feel really embarrassed!

We moved on to actually discussing my thesis as well, of course, and I think it was quite a rewarding chat. Most of the energy was done trying to decide what way I'm going to take right now, and that wasn't as easy as it sounds, actually. We had a good discussion, I felt I was able to step up a bit more than I have before, when I have mostly felt I've 'had to' just accept what he says as he knows so much more than me. This time I felt I could question what he said, and really get to the bottom of what was discussed, and that felt really good.
The outcome basically was to go into a few more scholars and their view on the objective I've set for my thesis - and also to get down to the Hebrew text and really start working on the relevant (some of them!) passages there ...

The meeting felt really good, from all kinds of angles, so I was in a really good mood when I was done - and I also met the teacher on the first part of the OT course, so we had a little chat, which was really nice! :)

Thursday

Thursday was actually sort of slow, as I didn't even have to get to Uni!! I did find out that my Mum would come for a short visit over the weekend, which was such a happy surprise!!! We have been talking about her coming here for a while, but it hasn't really been anything decided and she's been really busy and tired, and I've been really busy and tired. Now she found out that a co-worker and her husband was going to Helsingborg for the weekend, and my Mum could go with them, arriving on Friday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon!

I was really happy to hear that, and tried to get the apartment decent looking during Thursday (things like cleaning and such had been neglected earlier in the week, for obvious reasons!), but I was SO tired, I didn't get as much done as I had planned!

Friday

Friday was extremely intense!!!!
I was up at about 5 a.m. and started cleaning ... started doing laundry at 6 and was finished with everything in the apartment around 11. Took a shower and headed for Lund at 12, and had the final 'lecture' at 1. This was basically a summary discussion of the course, at first there was a general discussion and after that Elisabet and I had some SI evaluations to hand out, and the teacher would hand out the general evaluations as well.
We had a really good and constructive discussion regarding the course, the literature etc. when suddenly there was a knock on the door, and our SI-supervisor was there, asking if she could see me for a minute.
It felt a bit silly to just walk out (especially since the tables were arranged in a way that made me walk around the entire room to get out!), but when I got out it turned out that the evaluations we had been given to hand out to the students were 'out-of-date', new ones had just come, so I got them instead.
When I came back into the room, it was completely silent, which felt really strange. And suddenly, when I'm in front of the entire class, the teacher says: "Well, Jessica, now you have to tell us all about what it was like on the ceremony on Tuesday!"
And I more or less wished I could have fell through the floor ... I am genuinely and extremely grateful to have been given this, but I DO NOT like to stand in the centre of attention like that. I think I mostly stuttered something, I knew that some of the students knew I had been given it but not all of them ... and once I'd said something, probably completely incoherent, I got an applause from the entire class! *embarrassed again*

We handed out the evaluations and at 6 p.m. the teacher had a little party at her place for all the students, and the students on another OT course, as well as some other OT-people (both OT post-graduate students - one of them is the one teaching the first half of the OT course - and the OT professor) - and she asked me and Elisabet to help her out fixing food and such!
She had to pick up her children from school first, so Elisabet and I ended up in the library for a while, before meeting the OT teacher and her kids! :)

It was really nice to be able to help her out a little, she's a great lady and such a role model for I think most of the students she comes in contact with - and she's always been fantastic to deal with when it comes to SI, she's really interested and tries to help out as much as she can - and I think it's great to be able to do something outside the Department as well.

We ended up chopping and mixing and such for a few hours before the others showed up - and we had a great time. I really totally and completely feel like I have found my place here, and every time something like this happens, I feel it even more!
With the background I have, it's just beyond description to feel like I fit in so perfectly here ... I feel safe and secure and comfortable, even in situations that before would be extremely anxious, and I feel like people around me like me! Getting that kind of continual acknowledgement, constantly verifying that I do fit in and that people do like me - it's just such an AMAZING feeling!!

I was going to pick up my Mum in Helsingborg, so I had checked and had to leave the party about 20 to 8, in order to get to the train station in Lund and from there to Helsingborg. And that's another thing that is so fantastic about being where I am. Yes, I admit, I would have liked to stay longer, we had a great time, there were funny and interesting conversations, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I am NOT completely quite and tries to be invisible! But I feel SO comfortable in this situation, and so sure of myself and the fact that I will experience this again, that it is okay to leave a little early.
I am a little upset, because when I was getting myself ready a lot of others were starting to prepare to leave as well, and I felt the good-bye to the hostess became very quite and short ... but I'll be seeing her again next week, so I hope I can say a proper thank you then.
Just as I was leaving it turned out two other students had to get to trains/buses at the railway station, and one of the postgraduate students where going that way in her car, so I got a lift as well! :) Really kind!

When I got to the station my Mum called, she had already arrived in Helsingborg, but had to wait for me there ... but I don't think I've ever been so impatient during the train ride before! :) I just wanted to get there QUICK - and meeting my Mum was just FANTASTIC! It was quite a while since we saw each other, especially here! I was visiting my families when the bathroom renovation was going on, but didn't get that much time with my Mum - and during Christmas holidays she was sick a lot ... before that, yeah, she came down here for a quick visit just after Zorro had passed away, but that wasn't exactly a joyride ...

We took the bus home and spent some time talking - I didn't go to sleep until about 1.30 a.m. - so I'd been up and about and active and constantly doing things for about 21 hours! *yikes*

The Weekend

If you've managed to get this far in this extremely long blog entry, I admire you, and I will try to not be too detailed now. My Mum and I have enjoyed ourselves during the weekend, talked a lot, done a few outings and watched a few movies and mostly just enjoyed each other's company! :)
I went with her to Helsingborg this afternoon where she met her co-worker and her husband, and I just now heard she'd gotten home safe and sound!

Pheeeew!
Some week,huh?
But SO much of it has been SO fantastic, and I can hardly believe it myself ...
I have a busy week ahead again, but I hope to have some kind of energy when I get home every afternoon to keep the blog up to date, so I don't have to make another really long entry next weekend! :)
And credit to those of you who have made it to the end of this entry! LOL!

*Stress!*

If I had to shortly summarize my life at the moment, I'd say: STRESS!
Yesterday was a really bad day for me ... While nothing bad happened - I did in fact had a good day - I just kept stressing out completely over everything, and that was quite rough! Things are definitely intense now, and next week - but today I've managed to slow myself down a little ... Deep inside I do realize that things won't work out better if I'm stressing around like an idiot!

Yesterday was basically lectures and lunch + mentor planning with Elisabet! Then I ended up talking to a whole lot of people, and I have such mixed feelings about that ... For SOOOOO long, the social arena has been the hardest part of my life, and I've felt that every time I've even had the slightest chance to do something in that area, I've had to take it. For years, I have prioritized "talking to people" over studies, which might sound really strange and borderline insane, but with the problems I've had, that was the right thing to do! I could always manage my studies one way or another - but the social interaction was a completely different story.

Things have obviously changed now (duh!!), and the social area is working like a dream, for someone with a background of about 25 years of social phobia!! And still, I can't quite change my priorities now ... I know that my social life, especially at the Department, is solid now, and if I dodge a conversation or two, it won't be the end of the world - so at this point in my life I really think I should prioritize my studies. But the need and satisfaction of actually being able to have a casual conversation that works out well, it's like drugs to me, I can't get enough of it, I just want more and more and more! :) I guess it's not that strange when you think about it - but now, it does cause these mixed feelings!
I don't feel I can give up and walk away from possible social interaction - and yet I feel bad for not studying enough...

Stressing out like I did yesterday made me completely exhausted, and while I really tried to get things done, it was virtually impossible. The last straw came late last night, when I finally got around to start my baking project (we had the last mentor meeting today), and I completely messed up two batches! By then, it was about 11 p.m. and I'd run out of ingredients - so I had to buy bread on my way to Uni today ... *sigh*

Today has been better, mostly I think because I actually managed to let go a little of the whole stress thing ...
I got some studying done at the Library in the morning and at 10 we had lectures. That was actually the last "real" lecture for the semester, which feels very strange. Next week it will only be lectures on Tuesday on Friday, and on Tuesday there will be a sort of seminary discussion on a book and Friday will be a "closure" of the course, general questions, evaluations etc. And the week after that has three full days of seminars (they're writing an interpretation of an OT text and have to defend it in a seminar) - and that's it. Then they only have the last exam left - and I've seen yet another batch of students struggle through this course! :)

After lectures today we had the last mentor meeting and I think it worked out well, I hope the students felt that as well.
I ended up talking a little to Elisabet afterwards, before heading home. I usually have a "down-period" around 3-6 p.m. every afternoon - but tonight I have gotten a bit of work done on the Covenant ....
I plan to study all day tomorrow - and then take Sunday as a "reflection-day". I way behind on my personal writing now and there are lots of things I need to deal with - and of course there will be a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions about Zorro that I will have to take on then, I've been trying to push them aside now, to cope with the week - but I can't do that too long, and I think Sunday is a suitable day to delve into that ...

Wishing all the blog readers a Great Weekend! :)

Tired ... But Happy!

I've been really tired all day today, but I guess that's not very strange. I did get a bit more sleep than the previous night, but only about 3 hours and that's not nearly enough ... Also the heat, along with allergies, tend to really make me tired these days!

I went to Uni early this morning, I was there at 8, and ended up spending an hour talking to my mentor supervisor!! We had a really good chat, about different things, and it felt good to have discussed certain things I've been thinking about for a few days now!

Lectures at 10, this time starting with Psalms (apart from the guest lecture last Friday, which was also on Psalms). I think I managed to miss all the Psalm-lectures last year, so I enjoyed myself a lot this time! :)
After lectures I had a little chat with the teacher and I always enjoy discussing our subject, the possibility of adding new and exciting courses, what will happen in the new education system etc.! :)

I got a little bit of studying done at the Department before heading home, and once I got home I was almost overcome with exhaustion! I managed to pick myself up during the afternoon and at least I haven't waisted the entire day ...

I'm still very very happy about the Honorary Diploma ... even though it's taken me a while to really "get it". First of all, I never knew there was such a thing, until yesterday! :) And second, I've never really thought of SI and the mentor-thing in a larger perspective. I mean, I know it goes on at other Departments and Faculties at the University, but I've just been living in my little Hebrew bubble, enjoying going to lectures, having mentor meetings, talking to students and teachers and just "getting into" my subject ... so this came as quite a surprise! :)
I've been thinking quite a bit about this whole ceremony that's involved with me getting the Diploma ... At first, I felt there was no WAY I could do it, never ever - but at the same time, I know I have to start facing up to challenges more than I have before, and this would be the perfect opportunity! I've been working on it a lot during the day, and it helped a lot that I was able to talk to my SI supervisor! She did some checking too, so now I mostly know what will happen on Tuesday, and I really feel I have to at least have some idea of what will happen and what is expected of me, if I'm going to cope with it.
But I have basically made up my mind to go now, so unless something completely unforeseen happens between now and next Tuesday I will go through with it! *gulp*

It's getting late, so I'm off to bed soon, looks like I won't get that much sleep tonight either! *sigh* Ah well ...

What An Honor!

Today has been a VERY strange day, and I'm basically exhausted now, so I hope you'll forgive this somewhat short entry ...

I didn't sleep a bit last night, I might have dozed off half an hour or so, but it was just impossible. At times I get stuck in my own mind, with Zorro, and it's basically impossible for me to get out of it...
The morning was a bit slower than I had planned, but at least I managed to get to Uni for lectures at 10 - interesting as usual! :)

After lectures I had "lunch" with Elisabet and we tried to make some plans for next mentor meeting - which will be the last one this semester *sob* Suddenly our mentor tutor came and asked me if I'd checked my email ... I was completely out-of-it and didn't understand what she meant.
It took me a while - and several readings of my emails - to grasp what was going on.
Apparently there is a yearly SI (mentor, Supplemental Instruction) ceremony with some lectures, the handing out of diplomas to mentors having quit etc. - I had gotten an email about it some time ago but figured I wouldn't go so I had basically forgotten about it.
Now it turns out that out of about 150 mentors at Lunds University, two are picked for "extraordinary achievements within SI" and they will also be awarded a diploma at this ceremony ... and I had not only been nominated, but also picked!!
*almost fainting now*

This just threw me off completely, it was totally unexpected and I still can't quite grasp it!! I mean, I really enjoy being a mentor, I enjoy both the mentor meetings and the lectures and the students - but I had never thought that it would go beyond that!!! I'm quite happy just poking around the Hebrew verb forms and that's it - but this ... quite amazing!! :)

I'm still not sure how I will actually be able to go to this ceremony and accept the award ... considering my background and my problems that still pop up ... but I guess I'll have to make one Hell of an effort to make a go of it, right?! :)

I have quite a bit to do before I can go to bed, and considering I basically haven't slept for 48 hours, I'd better get on with it. But I think I will return to this in future blog entries! :)

Weekend

The weekend has been okay, I guess, though I'm constantly walking around with a feeling that I should do more than I do - and at the same time I'm very tired. To be honest, I don't think it's all that strange ... Every now and again, I feel allergies, even though I've never "officially" been diagnosed for it, and I tend to not cope very well with spring time in general. This year has been better than a lot of other years, but I think that's why I'm usually feeling tired.

I've been doing some cleaning and shopping and studying - just the usual stuff. I'm currently working on a rapport on my master's thesis, I have about a week left to work on it before I have to hand it in to the professor, so I really need to get into it. I've had a couple of really intense weeks now, so I feel I haven't quite been working on the rapport as much as I should have, so now I'm hoping this week won't be quite so intense. By the look of things right now, it won't be, so I hope not too many things will happen ... At this point, it's basically only OT lectures every day and that's only about 2 hours, so hopefully I'll be able to work quite a bit with my stuff as well.

Friday was a good day, and I think it gave me a kick of extra motivation, which is very needed at the moment.
The morning was fairly slow - a bit too slow I think, but I guess it's too late to worry about that now. Lectures weren't until 1 p.m. as we were having a guest lecture on Psalm Theology with the Old Testament Professor, Fredrik Lindström (who is my tutor). He usually gives this lecture on this course, and I've sat in on it both previous times when I've been a mentor on this course - but it is a great lecture and he is a very good lecturer - can't help but feel it's a shame he doesn't do it more!
The lecture was interesting as usual, and it was actually a lot of fun this year, as I remembered quite a lot and was almost anticipating what would come next! :) The lecture ended just before 3 p.m. and the regular teacher had prepared a little get-together (which ended up being coffee/tea and cake!!) in the teacher's lounge, so we all went there after the lecture.
We had a nice time and after a while I heard a discussion starting up regarding the lecture we'd just had, and Psalm 24 (which was the focus of the lecture) - and even though I sat at the other end of the table I tried to "take part" (i.e. "listen" - a bit hard trying to scream across a table full of people *lol*). Just in time for this the previous teacher, who had the grammar-part of the course arrived! He's extremely talented and knows I guess a dozen ancient languages - and the discussion turned out to be about how to interpret certain words and grammatical constructions. I really wish I'd gotten a better seat, but at least I could listen in on the conversation! :)

I ended up staying late (no surprise there *lol*) and left after about 1½ hours - got to talking to some people on the way out as well, which was nice.

And I have to mention something else - it's a bit funny but I find a deeper significance to it which is quite extraordinary for me personally.
At around 4 p.m. most of the people started to leave, as did the Professor - and he left with the words: "Well, Jessica, next year you can do this lecture!" :)
I figured there had to be some comment on the fact that I sat in on it for the third time (!), and I try to say that it'd be many years until I could do that! (But I'm taking to heart what one of the teachers said: "Be grateful for the vote of confidence!")
Naturally it was quite funny, and I know I've become that "geek" that always hangs around and has no other life besides the Old Testament - well almost anyway! I think what is extraordinary is that I'm so happy with that!! Ever since ... well, 10th grade or something, I have wanted to be like everybody else. I have always felt like an outsider, like an alien that doesn't fit in, and I've desperately tried to melt in with the crowd.
Now, in many ways, I do stand out - I am a bit of an outsider and an alien. I have an interest not many other students do. I'm interested in the general education system and what changes are taking place there - most students don't care as long as they get their degrees in the end. I am mentor, and while there are other mentors at the Department, there aren't that many of us. Maybe, the biggest difference of all: I want to stay on at the Department, at this Department - and most students can't wait to get out of there! :)
And even though all these things (and probably others as well) make me different from most people I am around, I feel fine with it. I can laugh about it and stand up for that!

I don't know, I feel like I'm mostly just rambling, and I find it difficult to express how much this does mean to me. I never in my life thought that I could find a place, so right for me, where basically everything clicks and works out and makes me feel good.

I still have issues, definitely, and I have a lot of things I need to work on to become a better person and more satisfied with my life - but there are SO many things in my life that are fantastic right now, and I never thought I'd experience that.

Deep blog entry ... I guess I should try to get back to reality now and get on with cleaning my bathroom! *lol*
I hope you all had a great weekend!

Intensity

Oh my ... when I wrote my last entry I had my mind set on writing every day ... so much for that plan! :)

This week has been intense to say the least, one more day left and hopefully I can get at least a little rest and recreation during the weekend.
But here's a bit of a summary of this week so far!

I was at Uni before 8 a.m. on Monday morning to attend a seminar on a B.A. Degree essay on Ruth. Just being able to attend these things are amazing - if anybody had told me that five years ago there would have been absolutely no way I'd believed them! :) I actually had no business being in this seminar, apart from the fact that I knew the author of the essay, and the teacher on the OT course (where I'm mentor) was tutoring the essay ... it's supposed to be "open seminars", but I think it's not common at all to have people not in the seminary group attending the seminars. Luckily I knew the examiner for the essay who is also the head of the seminar, so I figured I'd talk to him. I met Anna, who wrote the essay, when I got to Uni and it was nice talking to her. The examiner came fairly early, and he's really nice so I think he was mostly happy (and a bit surprised!) that I wanted to join in the seminar. :)

The essay was really interesting and it was a good seminar with a lot of interesting questions and discussions. During the essay seminars I've been to before, there hasn't been that much discussions from the seminary group - it's been mostly a dialogue between the respondent and opponent and just comments from the examiner and tutor ... but there were a lot of relevant questions raised here which made the seminar even more interesting.

Right after the seminar we had a lecture on Isa. 40 - as usual very interesting!! I started talking to the teacher after the lecture and she had some papers I was going to get so I ended up following her to her room. On the way there we ran into one of the student counsellors and as there has been some trouble with some of my grades, he stopped me to say that he'd talked to the OT professor and apparently everything was sorted out now.
I talked a little with the teacher when suddenly the OT professor showed up ... I thought he wanted to talk to the teacher and she thought he wanted to talk to me! *lol*
Eventually I ended up trying to get some studies of my own done, but I ran into a friend and we ended up having a really long chat, so I didn't get that much done.

I went shopping during the afternoon and when I got home I had an email regarding the job I applied for at a theological book store ("Arken") ... and I didn't get it! :( Apparently they're not doing great at the moment and had decided not to hire anyone ... I was quite upset, not that I had expected to get it, but it was so definite and I know that sooner or later I HAVE to find a job, and it's difficult to find the balance between finding a job and completing my studies.
By chance I discovered that my Department at Uni, CTR, is hiring one person full time as a student counsellor and receptionist!! I was quite stunned, and almost panicked when I realized the last date to apply was on Tuesday!!!!
It was really late and I was exhausted when I found out, so I realized that I would have to deal with it on Tuesday!

I went to lectures on Tuesday but developed a severe stomach problem during the morning. Since it did pass during the day it must have been something I ate, but it was quite disturbing while it lasted, and I had to go home straight after lectures. During the afternoon I felt better and I did managed to check up on references and send an electronic application for the job! *gulp*
The job starts on June 1, so I guess it won't be that long before I know if I get it ... again this would be a job that would suit me to the ground - but I don't have very high hopes I'll get it (too inexperienced, I suspect!) - but I have gotten some lovely comments from people at the Department and that feels really great! :)

Yesterday I went to lectures, but had a severe headache all day, which messed up most of my plans ...:( I have great difficulties relaxing my back and shoulders and neck, and I suspect that's where the headaches come from - so I'm going to have to start working on that. I didn't get much done yesterday which really bothered me, because I do have a lot to do on my own essay!
I also had an "incident" during yesterday - I really don't want to talk about it here, but it was something that really disturbed me and that I had a very hard time letting go of (and still do!) ... so the headache didn't get any better because of that ....

Today was lectures again, a bit more discussions than text-readings today which was very interesting. While the students were discussing in groups I had an interesting little "grammatical" discussion with the teacher and I value that a lot ... I'm very interesting in theology, naturally, but more and more I notice I am genuinely interested in the Hebrew language as well! :)
After lectures we had a mentor meeting, today I had it on my own as Elisabet were unable to come. We talked a bit about the text-interpretations the students will start on soon, and while that is not quite my strong suit, I think the meeting went pretty well! :)

I went home after that, and I have again battled a headache today - but I have managed to get some cleaning done and also prepared a bit for tomorrow as lectures tomorrow are a bit special. The Old Testament Professor will give a lecture on the Theology of the Psalms and it's usually very interesting - he is a great lecturer! After the lecture there will be a little get-together and I'm sure it will be really nice! :)

Phew - some summary! :) Hopefully I'll be able to write more regular blog entries in the future!

Long Time No See!

Not quite sure why there hasn't been any blogging lately - I guess I'll have to try to make sure May will be a better blog-month! :)

Last week was pretty tough for me, when basically everything went wrong. I've been feeling allergies a lot this week, and I've been very tired and had difficulty breathing at times - and I also went through a more or less chronic headache which started on Monday and ended last night ...

Two things actually made this week okay ... on Thursday afternoon I had a meeting at the University that went really well. I had my doubts about a lot of things regarding this meeting, but in the end I think it went exceptionally well, and I'm happy about that.

And of course, on Friday night I went to see Sara and Johanna, which was AGES ago!! We've actually tried to get together since January but it's been impossible to find a date that worked for all three of us. I didn't feel really well during the day (which included lectures and a mentor meeting - and a mentor tutorial which was at the same time as the mentor meeting - quite confusing!) - and I almost didn't make it to Sara as the bus I was on got stuck in traffic! But once I got there, I just had a blast!
It's amazing how it doesn't matter how long it's been since we've seen each other - we just hit it off right away, no matter what!! It's fantastic! Sara and I saw each other last summer, and we were all on Sofiero (with Martin and Per) in June, but the three of us met last January/February, after my birthday ... last year!! *yikes*
I also can't help but be amazed since Sara and Johanna were the first people I actually really started talking to and spend time when I came back to University studies - it's really cool that we've stayed such good friends!
We've had a lovely time with lots of yummy food - and even more laughing! *LOL* I had my mind set on not staying too long since I hadn't been feeling well ... but when I came home it was almost 1 a.m. - yikes! :)

Now I'm hoping for a better week ahead - it's filled with challenges for me personally which always tends to make me nervous, but there are a lot of good things involved as well, so I'm hoping it will turn out okay.
Tomorrow I'm attending a seminar where an essay (for a Bachelor of Theology Degree, I think...) is presented. While I'm not in this seminary group, the essay is in Old Testament Studies, on Ruth, and I think it's okay for me to attend! :)

Right after the seminar, there's a "regular" lecture in the OT course, this time on Isa. 40 - and I can't stress enough how interesting and rewarding these lectures are, I am always looking forward to them.

After that I'll spend a couple of hours working on my own essay (!), then I have to do some shopping and when I get home, hopefully, I'll have at least some energy left so I can keep up with my own work! :)

5 Months - Difficult Day

Today it's been exactly 5 months since Zorro died ... and while I realize some people may think I should be over this now, I'm not! I can function, I can go through certain parts of a day without thinking about him, or how much I miss him - but whenever I do think about him (and I do, a lot - and I don't want to stop!) it feels like someone is cutting my heart open with a knife!

Five months is quite a long time - and yes, in most aspects of my practical life I am getting used to him not being there. It's not the same torture to come home alone now, with no one waiting for you at the door, with no one demanding your attention, with no one feeling happy that you are home again. And I can sleep in the bedroom now, which was completely impossible the first month after his death - I can go to bed alone now ...
But the knowledge that I will never ever see him again, never hear him, never feel him, it's just killing me - it's tearing me up inside and it is a wound that is nowhere near healing yet.

Unfortunately (I guess) I had a pretty heavy day today! While I do love what I'm doing at the moment, and I generally feel things are working out now, better than before, I can't help but wish I could have had a day today where I didn't have to do anything.
I had a slow morning, which I think was good, I needed to prepare in order to cope with this day.
I went to Uni around 10 and met Elisabet when I got to the Department! We fixed the coffee and stuff for our mentor meeting and we had lectures at 11. These texts are really interesting and there were also some grammatical issues raised. I'm usually very interested in that and I feel I do know a fair bit of Hebrew grammar now - but I felt these issues came at the wrong time ... I was completely off today and I think I could have done a lot more of it if I had been feeling better.

At 1 we had the mentor meeting and our mentor supervisor came to visit, she stayed for about half of the meeting. The attendance has improved which is so much fun, both last week and today we had seven students which is amazing (there were a few meetings where there were two of them!) and it opens up for really constructive discussions! Overall I felt the meeting went really well, and it was a nice balance between the students own initiatives and our planning - and hopefully the students got something out of it too!

After the meeting I managed to get a book I've been wanting for a while now, and the timing couldn't have been better. It's a book the OT students have to read, called "Creation and the persistence of evil" by Jon Levenson. I really should have read it last year, for the essay I was writing, but I didn't have the time. I think the theme is really exciting and it so happens that the OT course will have a seminar on this book on Monday. It's been a bit difficult to obtain, but I managed to get it today, so with a bit of speed reading over the weekend, hopefully I can follow the seminar discussion on Monday, even though I'm not supposed to take active part in it!

I haven't gotten anything done this afternoon, but considering what day it is and how I feel, I'm not surprised, and I'm not beating myself up about it either ... I guess all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow! Naturally, all the feelings I have for Zorro are still there, it's just that on special occasions or when I really think about him or come across something that really remind me of him, I tend to loose control completely!
I can make things work if I don't think about him, but every time I do, I go to pieces. And I don't want to go the rest of my life actively trying to not think about him ...

I did get a text message from Sara and Johanna tonight, they wanted us to finally get together again!!! YAY! It was ages since we saw each other and it always seems like one of us can't make it if we plan something! At least it seems like we can all meet on April 29 and I'm SO looking forward to that!!!

I don't really think I'll get any sleep tonight, but I'm hoping for some constructive personal writing will help, at least it gives me a chance to really vocalize what I feel and hopefully make some sense of it. Even though it doesn't make my feelings go away, it tends to make it easier to deal and cope with them ...

I found this graphic when I was going through all my computer files to transfer to my new computer ... I had actually forgotten I had made it, but now I love it - even though it breaks my heart to know that the team is now broken up ....

Swedish Championships - YAY!!

I'll start off with the really good news - my favourite Swedish ice hockey team, Färjestad BK, just won the Swedish Championships! YAY!! While I'm not quite as into ice hockey now that I was say five years ago, I still feel strongly for my team, and I'm most pleased that they won!

Apart from that I have once again battled a headache today - not quite sure where all of these headaches come from but they are starting to really annoy me now ... I need to keep busy now, I have soooo much I need to do and I need to keep at it more or less constantly - and that won't work if I day after day after day keep getting these headaches!!

I took a short trip to Uni, only to attend the lecture - and that was time well spent despite the headache! Nothing revolutionary happened, but everything just felt really good. I got to talk to some nice people, it was - as always! - a very interesting lecture and I had a few words with the teacher afterwards as we have a mentor meeting tomorrow and the students take their first exam on the course next week.

The afternoon wasn't that great, I still felt the headache and I was just completely exhausted for some reason - which made me doze off on the coach only to get up in an even worse mood as I felt I had waisted the entire afternoon!

Tonight was a bit better considering the outcome of the hockey game! :)

Tomorrow is basically about OT lecture and mentor meeting. I'll be doing some baking for the meeting in the morning, and I'll probably go straight home afterwards - but I'm hoping to get a bit done during the afternoon - as these frequent headaches this week has made me fall behind a bit.

Parting the Red Sea!

I couldn't help the title - and it always makes me think of a quote from Stargate SG-1, the season 8 episode "Reckoning (part 2)" (I think ...?), where Sam (Amanda Tapping) says:
"You know, you blow up one sun and everyone expects you to walk on water ... next up, parting the Red Sea!"
*LOL*

Anyway, since I feel like I'm more or less living in Exodus right now, I felt the connection made sense ... sort of! :)

I went to Uni fairly early today, I was there about 8.20 and got about 1½ hours work on my master's thesis done - reading an article on how to connect the Hittite suzerainty treaties between the Hittite king and his vassals to the Biblical mosaic covenant. Quite interesting!

At 10 there was an OT lecture, this time focusing on ... parting the Red Sea! *lol* (which, of course, never was the Red Sea, but I guess it's easier to refer to it that way because most people know what it is). Another very interesting lecture, and I'm even more looking forward to the rest of the lectures this week, as those texts will focus more on the covenant at Sinai and the ten commandments - and I'm doing my master's thesis on the covenant! :)

After lectures, Elisabet and I had lunch and planned the mentor meeting on Friday. It's a lot more difficult to find things to do on this part of the course, but I think we came up with a good plan, so hopefully the students will get something out of it as well.

Then I went to the library to get some more work done, but I quickly realized I need to work on my computer now, and of course I hadn't taken Sammy with me (as I'm dragging lots of other stuff these days - including two Bibles!) ... I guess I'm going to have to take him as well in the future. I do need to find a "bag" or something, to carry him in though. I have one, which is really good, but it's quite huge and it's quite difficult to get the computer in and out of the bag - and if I have to take it with me every day I feel I should look for something a bit smaller and easier to handle ... Guess I'll have to keep an eye open for that ...
I ended up going home early and I have gotten some work done tonight, although you always feel like you could do more!

I'll finish on the same theme I started with, Stargate SG-1 - some old graphics! And I guess you can tell my favourite character/actress is Sam Carter/Amanda Tapping?! *lol*
Enjoy!

Week - Weekend

This week seem to have been the opposite of last week - as in, the week worked out well, but the weekend hasn't felt quite as good.

I am feeling pretty good, generally speaking, right now. I think I'm finding a routine that is working for me, I am trying to sort out a lot of things in my life that hasn't been working out well for a long time and so far, I'm seeing positive results! :)
I can't swear this will last forever, and naturally there are times when things aren't feeling great - but all in all, I think I'm back on track and can make things work out in a good way now.

I'm keeping pretty busy now, but I am enjoying what I do and I think I can make in work. The main thing is my master's thesis of course, which unfortunately were almost put completely to a halt with everything that went on at the end of last year and the beginning of this one - and it feels really good to get back into it.
Aside from that I am trying to follow the Old Testament course where I am mentor. I have "followed" it my previous years as mentor as well, mostly because it makes it a lot easier to plan and lead mentor meetings if you know what has been going on at the lectures, but I have never made an attempt to really follow it - and I think maybe now I do. This is most likely the last time I will have that opportunity so I have decided to take advantage of it, at least as much as possible. There is no way I could find the time to read the literature (especially since it's not the same literature as it was when I took the course), but I have this far attended all the lectures (and I hope I can keep it up in the future as well) and I'm trying to go through the Hebrew text for each day - which is really great! I haven't worked with text in that way in about two years, and I'm enjoying it a lot - and learning a lot as well!

Apart from my studies I am making an attempt at a more healthy life style in general ... I have tried this on numerous occasions before, without much success - I usually try and when I run into the first or second real obstacle I give up ... This time I have managed to hold on it a bit longer than before and while I can't say that I can see an amazing difference, I am noticing little things - and so far they are enough for me to want to keep trying!

All in all, I am feeling really good right now! There are still things I have difficulties with, naturally - some of them are more personal than others.
One thing I haven't managed to get to the bottom of yet is sleep. For some reason I'm not sleeping well at all now, and I haven't for quite a while ... I can't go to bed without being completely invaded by memories of Zorro, which means I basically can't fall asleep. During the weekend I've been able to sleep in in the mornings, but during the week I usually don't get more than three, maybe four hours - and that's pretty rough. I'm not sure why this has come right now, but I guess these things happen, right? It's not quite as bad as directly after Zorro's death - for several weeks I couldn't sleep in our bed, so I slept on the couch - but it reminds me of those weeks now because it usually takes me several hours, and then some, before I fall asleep.

But apart from a few things I have a good feeling inside - which is actually quite surprising! I usually don't feel well during spring time, I tend get into spring depressions and I don't cope with things very well. I guess it's early days yet, but I'm grateful as long as I am able to feel this way, and I will give everything I can to keep it that way.

It's high time I went to bed (as it takes me so long to fall asleep) as I have an early morning and a long day tomorrow - but I'm looking forward to tomorrow's lecture on Exodus 3 - the famous passage where God reveals his name to Moses ("I AM WHO I AM", Exod 3:14, NRSV)! Very exciting!

Better Day

Today was at least better than yesterday - thanks for that!

I got to Uni really early and managed to get a bit of studying done when I got there. Unfortunately it was a bit difficult to concentrate at times, as construction workers were drilling or doing something, just outside the library - they seem to be following me!! *sigh*

We had an OT lecture at 10, on Genesis 12. These lectures are so interesting, I'm really happy I get the chance to attend if not all so at least most of them!
I started to feel a headache coming on, again - so I went to the Pharmacy and managed to control most of it anyway! Then I spent some time in the library, finishing off the schedule for the mentor meetings on this part of the course, printing some things and I got a little bit of studying done before heading home.

When I got home I felt SO tired, I basically collapsed in front of the TV for a while - not quite sure why I'm always so tired these days, but I guess the fact that I really don't sleep well at all now could have something to do with it!
I did manage to pull myself together though, and got a few hours of studying done tonight, as well as some general cleaning/clearing.

All in all, this has been a pretty good day! :)
Also, when I saw the blog had reached 32,000 visitors, it got even better! :)

Roller Coaster

This week has truly felt like a roller coaster, going up and down the whole time - so I guess it's not so strange I'm feeling completely exhausted right now.

Monday was a pretty good day - I went to Uni early and went to visit the book store when they opened, with my job application. I talked to the boss, who was really nice and friendly. However, they will not require any new personnel until early summer or so, at the moment there are a lot of renovations going on and they are moving temporarily out to barracks ... Still, I would really really LOVE to work there ... At least I've handed in my application now, I also have to hand in my references when I get them together (that's been a bit complicated ...), and then I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed!

Back at Uni I ended up talking to my mentor supervisor, I had only a few questions but it turned into quite a discussion, which in the end was a really good thing.
I met Elisabet and we prepared for the mentor meeting which took place at 11.30. While there aren't a great number of students, I think the meetings work out fairly well now. We got some good discussions going and I learned a lot from the meeting too.
After the meeting it was time for the last lecture on the first course ... Time sure has flown by quickly, half the semester has gone - amazing! It was an interesting lecture with lots of questions, but I was quite tired and went home almost as soon as the lecture was over.

Tuesday was a really horrible day - for various reasons! It's not something I want to go into, but I felt really awful all day ...

Yesterday I was able to take it easy during the morning, and went into Uni around 10. I met some friends there and at 12, me and Elisabet had lunch with the teacher teaching the second half of the OT-course. We had a great lunch with interesting conversation, it was exciting to be able to discuss the course, the best way to schedule lectures etc. After all, it's what I want to do on my own some day! :) I talked to Elisabet a while afterwards, before heading home.
I got a text message saying my new computer had arrived and in the afternoon I went to pick it up. Unfortunately when I got to the bus stop this kind of creepy guy came up and kept talking to me ... Apparently he'd lived in my neighbourhood before and "recognized me" ... eh? It just gave me a really creepy feeling so it felt good when I got home.

I started unpacking the new computer and it does take a while to get it started and up to speed on everything, but so far, I'm VERY happy with it. I'm usually not a person who tend to "name things" but my new computer has been given the name Sammy (it's a Samsung) ...:) I also realized that my new little camera is a Samsung, so I guess it will be Sammy Jr.! LOL!

I stayed home today as I had some issues to sort out with my landlord ... it ended up being a bit more complicated than I had thought, but I think it worked out in the end. I have also spent some time with Sammy, installing programmes and configuring him to my liking! :)
I am however, completely exhausted tonight, I guess it's because this week has been filled with ups and downs ... I'm hoping for an effective day tomorrow, though I can't give any guarantees - I tend to sleep really really poorly now, and that always makes it tough to be really efficient ...

A Strange Day

Today has been really strange, and I'm not sure what to think right now.
On a practical level, things have been fine, good, no worries - but despite that, I feel awful. Very frustrating! If there's a reason for me not feeling great, I know what to work on and I can hopefully find a way to feel better - but when I can't even realize what the problem is ... what can I do?

This morning I went to three New Testament lectures on the theme, "The Gospels as Biographies" - very interesting. While I'll always be more interested in the Old Testament, Bible studies overall is quite fascinating.
After lunch it was time for a Hebrew lecture which was quite interesting as well.

Still, some things didn't feel right, I was supposed to get certain things fixed and organized and that didn't happen, which of course will have consequences. It all feels like a mess and despite a fair bit of personal writing tonight I still haven't made much sense of this day. I'm getting too tired for it now, but since the construction workers get going at 7 a.m. I hope to sort a few things through tomorrow morning ...

I kind of have tomorrow "off" - there's a mentor meeting but this time it's Elisabet's turn to lead it on her own. I just might, if it is convenient, go to Lund for the lecture in the afternoon - as it will cover a group of verbs I tend to have a lot of difficulties with, when it comes to translating texts! I still haven't made up my mind yet, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow ... (which I know will be difficult for me, but at least then I know why ...)

Coping ...

Things have been working out fairly well this week, so far ... I can at least handle (sort of) the more basic parts of my life, even though the whole grieving process is difficult to tackle right now.

I'm trying to attend most of the Hebrew lectures now, as they are getting close to the end of the first part of the course. We had a mentor meeting yesterday, and while not many students showed up, I think the meeting in itself went pretty well.
Lectures after that and then a bit of interesting conversation at Uni ... I had planned to take a train home at about 4.45, but when I got to the railway station there was another train chaos going on. Apparently something had happened between Malmö and Lund, and whatever it was caused major difficulties - which meant that basically all of my trains were cancelled!! Thanks a lot! *rolling eyes* I ended up taking another, very late, train to Helsingborg (which is waaay off!) and from there I could take a bus home, but I didn't get home until around 7 p.m. - yawn!!

I've been to lectures today as well, which was interesting as usual. Today the students were taking a more active part than they usually do. Yesterday they were given an assignment, to prepare a minor speech about different things relating to Hebrew grammar, like a grammatical construction or a certain word grouping or something like that. They did a really good job and it was very interesting to listen to them!

When I got home I FINALLY had my old lock back in place again!!! When the whole renovation thing started they exchanged the locks so all the workmen could have access to the apartments. While I realize the necessity of it, I didn't like it - particularly since some of them didn't even announce themselves before barging in here ... Once or twice I'd come out of the bathroom to find several construction workers in the hallway ... *sigh*
But today they put my old lock back in, meaning no one can come in here unless I actually INVITE them in!! *YAY*

Since the construction workers are well and truly finished with my apartment now I'm hoping to be able to finish what I'm supposed to do here as well fairly soon. I still have some rearranging to do and then I have to make one last clean-up of everything, but then it should be okay!

Tough Week ...

I do apologize for not writing here at all during the week - but it has been one of the most intense weeks I've experienced in a VERY long time! It's been quite hard to get through everything, also because during the fall I wasn't feeling great and I wasn't very "active" at all. Now it seems it's all caught up with me and it tends to get a bit too much at times.

I had an exam with a deadline on midnight Monday so I spent almost all day at Uni and continued working on it when I got home. I wrote frantically until around 11 p.m. but just as I was about to send it I felt like maybe I've completely misunderstood a couple of things! NOT good! It was too late to do anything about it, but I sure am dreading the result (also, it's SOOOOO important that I pass this exam, which makes me even more nervous!) ...

On Tuesday the spring semester started at Uni, and with that the Old Testament/Hebrew course where I am mentor, this year along with another girl. We were supposed to introduce ourself and the mentor activity - and even though I really have become quite secure at the Department, things like that do make me nervous still ... I think it worked out fairly well, and it seems like 16 students will take the course now, which is a lot! Not sure how many of them stick with it until the end, but at least it's a good start.

We had lectures in the afternoon as well, and I sat in on the first half before rushing home to start moving furniture. The electrician was supposed to come on Wednesday morning, and I needed to move everything away from every single electrical outlet in my apartment as well as make sure they could change the ceiling outlets and the fuse box in the hallway. That sure took some doing, especially since I was REALLY tired ... I realized I did NOT want to be home while he was doing it ...

I didn't get everything done Tuesday night, so I was up at 2.30 a.m. on Wednesday and finished it, and left home at about 6 ... I was at Uni at 7.30 and stayed there until about 4 p.m. (and sat in on an OT lecture), ate in town before going home. I was home about 6 p.m. and it was a MESS. I hadn't managed to disconnect my ceiling lamps, so that had been done ... but all of them were just in a mess on the floor and it was pitch black inside my apartment. I had no idea what they had done or if they had connected ANY of the leads at all. I ended up finding a tiny flash light and went around the apartment trying to figure out what they had done and how to get at least one lamp working again... and I did succeed in the end even though I was in a terrible mood.

On Thursday I went to Uni again, though I slept in a little. When I was about to get ready the electrician showed up - apparently he'd forgotten something in my apartment and he also told me I had missed one outlet when I was clearing away, so they hadn't been able to change that. I said I'd have it cleared by the time the renovations started - but it does involve moving two or three bookshelves *sigh* - so hopefully they'll get it done then ... At Uni it was an OT lecture and I spent some time talking to the teacher afterwards. I also met the other mentor and we talked a little about the first mentor meeting that was scheduled to Friday afternoon.
When I got home it was time to move more furniture, as on Friday morning construction workers would be in here covering the floor in the hallway and doing some other stuff.

I was up early Friday morning as well and went to Uni. At 9.30 there were three lectures in sociology of religion, as they will appoint a 50% teaching position in that subject. Of the three people there, I "kinda" know one of them, at least I know who she is, and I do know another one. I had him during a few courses back when I started Uni after my sick leave, and I actually chose between sociology of religion and Old Testament when it came time to specialize my studies ... I hadn't seen him in a long time so it was nice to be there, and I'm actually surprised at how much I remembered (since I haven't taken this subject since 2006!).

I had a little while to myself during lunch before it was time for OT lecture and after that the first mentor meeting. I think it went really well although I always have a tendency to over analyse things. Afterwards I talked a bit with the other mentor, Elisabet, before heading home.

Friday afternoon and yesterday I have spent trying to prepare for my three week absence ... I am really nervous about these three weeks and how things will turn out, but I guess I just have to hope for the best. At the moment I'm trying to get my apartment fit for the renovation, move some furniture for the electrician, trying to find a way to save my flowers, doing laundry and trying to figure out how to actually pack stuff that will keep me going for three weeks ... etc. etc.

I have taken photos continuously of the various states my apartment has gone through, so I will try to make a photo entry later tonight.
But now I have to try to dismantle the mirror wall I have in the hallway ...