Back Home Again!

After about two weeks in the summerhouse, I'm back home for a few weeks now - then I'm going back again! :-)

It's been intense times, so I'm fairly tired now, today has been a very slack day indeed, but I'm feeling a bit better now, so I'm hoping to get stuck into a lot of things tomorrow.

I spent about a week in the summerhouse by myself first, and it was actually a very difficult time for me. It was the first time I was there since Zorro passed away and I was instantly moved back to November again. I don't think I've ever been in the summerhouse without him since around 2002, and it was more difficult than I could have imagined. We had deliberately planned it so I would be out there by myself first, and I think that was a good decision, I could never have coped to be there with my Dad and his whole family straight away.

I tried to keep busy by working outside, but the weather wasn't exactly co-operating with me as it rained heavily almost the entire time ... I did get a bit of work done but I was also left thinking a lot inside ... not that I think that's a bad thing, I think I really needed it - but I won't deny I felt pretty awful.

My Dad and his family came out to the summerhouse the day before Midsummer and it was great seeing them all again, of course. The girls have grown SO much (but then again, I hadn't seen them since February!), and they are wonderful to be around, even though I sometimes find it a bit difficult to adapt to the intensity it brings being around an entire family like that.

On Midsummer's Day I took a train to visit my Mum, and it was wonderful to see her again. We had a lot of catching up to do as she's had some problems with her phone lately, so we haven't been able to talk to each other much for a while. I went back to the summerhouse on Sunday evening, and spent the coming three days there with Dad and the rest of the "gang".

We went to "town" (where they live) on Wednesday afternoon and early yesterday morning, I went home. It was quite a long trip, I think mostly because I was completely exhausted. It felt really wonderful when I arrived home, but I was SO tired!

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well tonight, so I've been very tired today as well, and I haven't really gotten a lot of things done, mostly little things. Still, I think it's understandable after the intense times that have been.
I am trying to accomplish a lot of changes in my life at the moment, and I know I can't work at that 100% when I'm not in my usual environment but now I'm getting a few weeks here so starting tomorrow I will try to get stuck into that!

Sharing some photos from the summerhouse - and I have a few more blog entries to go through, not sure if I'll have the energy tonight but otherwise they'll be here tomorrow!

One Week ... Really?

I can't believe all that's happened in just one week ... it feels like it would have been a month, at least. Still, most of it (almost all of it!) has been absolutely fantastic and totally outstanding, so I really feel I would like to go through the entire week here! :)
I'll give credit to those of you who are able to read through all of it, because I have a feeling this will be the longest blog entry I've ever made! LOL! :)

Sunday, May 15

This was a really difficult day for me! It was 6 months to the day since Zorro past away, and I still have difficulties dealing with that, especially during those days, when I tend to think of him more often and more intensely. I had a lot of things to deal with from the previous week as well, so I guess I didn't get anything productive done at all during Sunday, although I need times for thinking, reflecting and personal writing ...
Most things in my life are turning out fantastic now, but I can't help feeling I would have liked to share that with Zorro - because I know he could tell whether I was feeling good or bad. Lots of thoughts regarding Zorro, but I won't get into that now, I might save it for another entry later on.
Here are some old photos of Zorro I found when I was looking through my computer:




Monday

Monday was study day full stop!! I had to hand in a report to the OT professor "during Monday night" on my progress on the master's essay. Needless to say I stressed like an idiot the entire day and felt unprepared to the max.

In my defence, I did have a bit of materials to use, but naturally I hadn't started putting the report together ... and I started with that around lunch time! *oops* I realized I had to get some print-outs, and my printer at home is not really working, so I made the quite possible shortest visit to Uni ever! :) I arrived at the library at 12.50, grabbed a computer and got my print-outs, and was out of there again at 1.03! LOL!

I didn't do anything except wrote, wrote and wrote the entire day, and by about 10 p.m. I had almost 8 pages ... Let's just say I don't think I did a great job proof-reading the thing, but at least I sent it in!

Tuesday

Tuesday was an extremely intense day for me ...
We had lectures at 10 with the OT group, and they were having a seminary discussion on a book by W. Brueggemann (Unsettling God). I had really hoped to be able to read through it really quick before the seminar, but there was (obviously!) no chance of that!
I still got a bit out of the seminary discussion and it was quite interesting. I'm happy to see a course such as this, where there is a clear focus on the language, it's possible to do these kinds of things as well.
After the lecture I ended up in the library assisting some of the students with different things regarding the interpretation they were writing.

Once I got to sit down on my own, the anxiety about the SI-ceremony that afternoon hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't experienced that heavy anxiety in probably several years, and I was really feeling awful. Still, I knew there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but try to do the best I could with it. I was unsure of basically everything: I didn't know how the ceremony would be, I didn't know what would be expected of me (even though I had been assured I would not have to give a 'thank you speech' - which I was more than grateful for!!), and I wasn't even 100% sure of where the ceremony would take place (it was on another University Department, where I've only been a few times, a couple of years ago) ...
I ended up talking a little to my SI supervisor, as I was sitting just outside her room, and eventually we agreed we would walk to the ceremony together, and that helped my anxiety a lot! Just know I would go with someone I knew, wouldn't have to worry about finding the right place etc. helped me a great deal!

We met at 3 o'clock and walked together to the ceremony, and when we entered the auditorium my supervisor exchanged a few words with the man in charge of the whole thing, and she also introduced me. We took our seats and the ceremony started with a few introductory speeches, among those who came was Sven Strömqvist, who is Lund University's Assistant Vice-Chancellor!! After that we heard speeches relating SI (Supplemental Instruction) to not only Universities but also senior high school/college and also how you can use it when you go out to work in the world outside University - and we also heard a speech from two students who have worked within SI and had the opportunity to go to America to attend an SI conference.

After the speeches, it was time for the handing out of Diplomas, and first up were the Honorary Diplomas, which apparently was given to me and three other students. I had no idea how they wanted to do this, and when they said it would be done alphabetically I basically panicked - but I was so lucky, as there was one girl who came before me!! (Not often that happens.)
So anyway ...
We were called down in front of everyone, and got to listen to the nomination text that our supervisors had written when nominating us, and then we got our Diploma and a little present.
And I have to admit, I am proud of the fact that I went through with it, because this was a really big deal for me! The auditorium was in no way crowded, but there were enough people for me to feel really really anxious! But I did it! :)
It was a great relief to be able to get back to my seat and realize that most of it was over for my part, that's for sure.
After the Honorary Diplomas and been handed out, all the mentors who were quitting were given diplomas as well - but a lot of people who had said they'd come didn't show up, so things became a little bit awkward ...

There were snacks and drinks prepared afterwards, but first they wanted everyone who had gotten a diploma to gather near the entrance and we were photographed - and after that we were able to get snacks and talk to the others. Since I was completely shaky after the almost extreme tenseness I found it difficult to talk and be friendly, and I didn't stay long.
But it still felt amazing to have gone through with that day, that's for sure! :)

Wednesday

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the OT professor to discuss the report ... and since I emailed it so late on Monday night and my mind was somewhere else entirely on Tuesday I felt I needed to prepare for the meeting quite a lot. I went to Uni fairly early and printed my report and went over it, quite a number of times. I also met a lot of the OT students working on their interpretations and I also talked a little with my SI supervisor before heading up the professor on the third floor.

The talk we had went really well actually. We started talking "generally" when he suddenly interrupted our conversation, and realized he'd forgotten to congratulate me to the Honorary Diploma!! I didn't even know he knew, and SI feels a little bit like it's own "department" within the University, so I was quite surprised. He ended up giving me SO many lovely comments and compliments I was completely and utterly embarrassed!! I think the peak was when he told me how he had met Sven Strömqvist (the Assistant Vice-Chancellor who attended the SI-ceremony) at a conference earlier during Tuesday morning, and how proud he (the OT professor) had been to tell the Vice-Chancellor that one of his students was one of the recipients of the Honorary Diploma! *yikes!!*
I was (and am!!) SO flattered, but I really don't know what to do with myself when things like that come up, I have no idea what to say and I mostly feel really embarrassed!

We moved on to actually discussing my thesis as well, of course, and I think it was quite a rewarding chat. Most of the energy was done trying to decide what way I'm going to take right now, and that wasn't as easy as it sounds, actually. We had a good discussion, I felt I was able to step up a bit more than I have before, when I have mostly felt I've 'had to' just accept what he says as he knows so much more than me. This time I felt I could question what he said, and really get to the bottom of what was discussed, and that felt really good.
The outcome basically was to go into a few more scholars and their view on the objective I've set for my thesis - and also to get down to the Hebrew text and really start working on the relevant (some of them!) passages there ...

The meeting felt really good, from all kinds of angles, so I was in a really good mood when I was done - and I also met the teacher on the first part of the OT course, so we had a little chat, which was really nice! :)

Thursday

Thursday was actually sort of slow, as I didn't even have to get to Uni!! I did find out that my Mum would come for a short visit over the weekend, which was such a happy surprise!!! We have been talking about her coming here for a while, but it hasn't really been anything decided and she's been really busy and tired, and I've been really busy and tired. Now she found out that a co-worker and her husband was going to Helsingborg for the weekend, and my Mum could go with them, arriving on Friday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon!

I was really happy to hear that, and tried to get the apartment decent looking during Thursday (things like cleaning and such had been neglected earlier in the week, for obvious reasons!), but I was SO tired, I didn't get as much done as I had planned!

Friday

Friday was extremely intense!!!!
I was up at about 5 a.m. and started cleaning ... started doing laundry at 6 and was finished with everything in the apartment around 11. Took a shower and headed for Lund at 12, and had the final 'lecture' at 1. This was basically a summary discussion of the course, at first there was a general discussion and after that Elisabet and I had some SI evaluations to hand out, and the teacher would hand out the general evaluations as well.
We had a really good and constructive discussion regarding the course, the literature etc. when suddenly there was a knock on the door, and our SI-supervisor was there, asking if she could see me for a minute.
It felt a bit silly to just walk out (especially since the tables were arranged in a way that made me walk around the entire room to get out!), but when I got out it turned out that the evaluations we had been given to hand out to the students were 'out-of-date', new ones had just come, so I got them instead.
When I came back into the room, it was completely silent, which felt really strange. And suddenly, when I'm in front of the entire class, the teacher says: "Well, Jessica, now you have to tell us all about what it was like on the ceremony on Tuesday!"
And I more or less wished I could have fell through the floor ... I am genuinely and extremely grateful to have been given this, but I DO NOT like to stand in the centre of attention like that. I think I mostly stuttered something, I knew that some of the students knew I had been given it but not all of them ... and once I'd said something, probably completely incoherent, I got an applause from the entire class! *embarrassed again*

We handed out the evaluations and at 6 p.m. the teacher had a little party at her place for all the students, and the students on another OT course, as well as some other OT-people (both OT post-graduate students - one of them is the one teaching the first half of the OT course - and the OT professor) - and she asked me and Elisabet to help her out fixing food and such!
She had to pick up her children from school first, so Elisabet and I ended up in the library for a while, before meeting the OT teacher and her kids! :)

It was really nice to be able to help her out a little, she's a great lady and such a role model for I think most of the students she comes in contact with - and she's always been fantastic to deal with when it comes to SI, she's really interested and tries to help out as much as she can - and I think it's great to be able to do something outside the Department as well.

We ended up chopping and mixing and such for a few hours before the others showed up - and we had a great time. I really totally and completely feel like I have found my place here, and every time something like this happens, I feel it even more!
With the background I have, it's just beyond description to feel like I fit in so perfectly here ... I feel safe and secure and comfortable, even in situations that before would be extremely anxious, and I feel like people around me like me! Getting that kind of continual acknowledgement, constantly verifying that I do fit in and that people do like me - it's just such an AMAZING feeling!!

I was going to pick up my Mum in Helsingborg, so I had checked and had to leave the party about 20 to 8, in order to get to the train station in Lund and from there to Helsingborg. And that's another thing that is so fantastic about being where I am. Yes, I admit, I would have liked to stay longer, we had a great time, there were funny and interesting conversations, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I am NOT completely quite and tries to be invisible! But I feel SO comfortable in this situation, and so sure of myself and the fact that I will experience this again, that it is okay to leave a little early.
I am a little upset, because when I was getting myself ready a lot of others were starting to prepare to leave as well, and I felt the good-bye to the hostess became very quite and short ... but I'll be seeing her again next week, so I hope I can say a proper thank you then.
Just as I was leaving it turned out two other students had to get to trains/buses at the railway station, and one of the postgraduate students where going that way in her car, so I got a lift as well! :) Really kind!

When I got to the station my Mum called, she had already arrived in Helsingborg, but had to wait for me there ... but I don't think I've ever been so impatient during the train ride before! :) I just wanted to get there QUICK - and meeting my Mum was just FANTASTIC! It was quite a while since we saw each other, especially here! I was visiting my families when the bathroom renovation was going on, but didn't get that much time with my Mum - and during Christmas holidays she was sick a lot ... before that, yeah, she came down here for a quick visit just after Zorro had passed away, but that wasn't exactly a joyride ...

We took the bus home and spent some time talking - I didn't go to sleep until about 1.30 a.m. - so I'd been up and about and active and constantly doing things for about 21 hours! *yikes*

The Weekend

If you've managed to get this far in this extremely long blog entry, I admire you, and I will try to not be too detailed now. My Mum and I have enjoyed ourselves during the weekend, talked a lot, done a few outings and watched a few movies and mostly just enjoyed each other's company! :)
I went with her to Helsingborg this afternoon where she met her co-worker and her husband, and I just now heard she'd gotten home safe and sound!

Pheeeew!
Some week,huh?
But SO much of it has been SO fantastic, and I can hardly believe it myself ...
I have a busy week ahead again, but I hope to have some kind of energy when I get home every afternoon to keep the blog up to date, so I don't have to make another really long entry next weekend! :)
And credit to those of you who have made it to the end of this entry! LOL!

Intensity

Oh my ... when I wrote my last entry I had my mind set on writing every day ... so much for that plan! :)

This week has been intense to say the least, one more day left and hopefully I can get at least a little rest and recreation during the weekend.
But here's a bit of a summary of this week so far!

I was at Uni before 8 a.m. on Monday morning to attend a seminar on a B.A. Degree essay on Ruth. Just being able to attend these things are amazing - if anybody had told me that five years ago there would have been absolutely no way I'd believed them! :) I actually had no business being in this seminar, apart from the fact that I knew the author of the essay, and the teacher on the OT course (where I'm mentor) was tutoring the essay ... it's supposed to be "open seminars", but I think it's not common at all to have people not in the seminary group attending the seminars. Luckily I knew the examiner for the essay who is also the head of the seminar, so I figured I'd talk to him. I met Anna, who wrote the essay, when I got to Uni and it was nice talking to her. The examiner came fairly early, and he's really nice so I think he was mostly happy (and a bit surprised!) that I wanted to join in the seminar. :)

The essay was really interesting and it was a good seminar with a lot of interesting questions and discussions. During the essay seminars I've been to before, there hasn't been that much discussions from the seminary group - it's been mostly a dialogue between the respondent and opponent and just comments from the examiner and tutor ... but there were a lot of relevant questions raised here which made the seminar even more interesting.

Right after the seminar we had a lecture on Isa. 40 - as usual very interesting!! I started talking to the teacher after the lecture and she had some papers I was going to get so I ended up following her to her room. On the way there we ran into one of the student counsellors and as there has been some trouble with some of my grades, he stopped me to say that he'd talked to the OT professor and apparently everything was sorted out now.
I talked a little with the teacher when suddenly the OT professor showed up ... I thought he wanted to talk to the teacher and she thought he wanted to talk to me! *lol*
Eventually I ended up trying to get some studies of my own done, but I ran into a friend and we ended up having a really long chat, so I didn't get that much done.

I went shopping during the afternoon and when I got home I had an email regarding the job I applied for at a theological book store ("Arken") ... and I didn't get it! :( Apparently they're not doing great at the moment and had decided not to hire anyone ... I was quite upset, not that I had expected to get it, but it was so definite and I know that sooner or later I HAVE to find a job, and it's difficult to find the balance between finding a job and completing my studies.
By chance I discovered that my Department at Uni, CTR, is hiring one person full time as a student counsellor and receptionist!! I was quite stunned, and almost panicked when I realized the last date to apply was on Tuesday!!!!
It was really late and I was exhausted when I found out, so I realized that I would have to deal with it on Tuesday!

I went to lectures on Tuesday but developed a severe stomach problem during the morning. Since it did pass during the day it must have been something I ate, but it was quite disturbing while it lasted, and I had to go home straight after lectures. During the afternoon I felt better and I did managed to check up on references and send an electronic application for the job! *gulp*
The job starts on June 1, so I guess it won't be that long before I know if I get it ... again this would be a job that would suit me to the ground - but I don't have very high hopes I'll get it (too inexperienced, I suspect!) - but I have gotten some lovely comments from people at the Department and that feels really great! :)

Yesterday I went to lectures, but had a severe headache all day, which messed up most of my plans ...:( I have great difficulties relaxing my back and shoulders and neck, and I suspect that's where the headaches come from - so I'm going to have to start working on that. I didn't get much done yesterday which really bothered me, because I do have a lot to do on my own essay!
I also had an "incident" during yesterday - I really don't want to talk about it here, but it was something that really disturbed me and that I had a very hard time letting go of (and still do!) ... so the headache didn't get any better because of that ....

Today was lectures again, a bit more discussions than text-readings today which was very interesting. While the students were discussing in groups I had an interesting little "grammatical" discussion with the teacher and I value that a lot ... I'm very interesting in theology, naturally, but more and more I notice I am genuinely interested in the Hebrew language as well! :)
After lectures we had a mentor meeting, today I had it on my own as Elisabet were unable to come. We talked a bit about the text-interpretations the students will start on soon, and while that is not quite my strong suit, I think the meeting went pretty well! :)

I went home after that, and I have again battled a headache today - but I have managed to get some cleaning done and also prepared a bit for tomorrow as lectures tomorrow are a bit special. The Old Testament Professor will give a lecture on the Theology of the Psalms and it's usually very interesting - he is a great lecturer! After the lecture there will be a little get-together and I'm sure it will be really nice! :)

Phew - some summary! :) Hopefully I'll be able to write more regular blog entries in the future!

Quite Intense

The end of the week was actually quite intense for me.
On Thursday I went to Lund fairly early and managed to get a few errands done in town before heading to the Department. I sat there working on a "personal project" (there are actually two of them, but they are kind of linked together) - stuff that I do when I feel like doing something but don't quite have the energy to work on my master's thesis.
I met a few friends and it worked out well.

During the afternoon I ended up checking the internet and I found a job I really-really-really-really-really want ... and yes, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'm guessing there will be a LOT of applicants.
They have this amazing theological book store in Lund, they have all the theological as well as Christian literature and a lot of other stuff too. They're looking for people to work there now, among the possibilities was a part time (50%) job working with various tasks in the store. That would be SO perfect, it's something I think I actually qualify for despite the fact that my education is really narrow, the times suit me to the ground. I'm trying to fix a job application today so I can go and speak with them tomorrow! :) *fingers crossed*

There were OT/Hebrew lecture late on Thursday, 3-5 p.m. but it was an interesting lecture. There were some talks about strange looking vowels at the end of the lecture, and I had actually seen a strange looking word earlier. I thought I'd ask the teacher about it (though I was a bit nervous, usually it's something really really simple that I just haven't thought of). Turns out he was intrigued about it as well and we ended up doing a short excursion to the Library to find out what this was all about. And luckily we found the answer ... :)

I was really tired when I got home, but I didn't sleep much as I had a big challenge to take on on Friday. Since I don't have an income now, I'm living on money I've inherited and saved, and obviously that can't go on forever - so I need to find a job ... and yesterday I had planned to go to the employment office to find out ... just basic rules and regulations, I guess.
These are things I still have difficulties with, things like this generate a lot of anxiety and I worked on this for most of the morning. Around lunch time I managed to get there, and even though the visit didn't give me much information I hadn't already guessed, it felt good to at least have taken on the challenge. I also think I know how to go from here ... I need a bit more information before making any real decisions though.
And of course I'm REALLY hoping for the book store job, which would be amazing!

Yesterday I had planned a really constructive day, catching up on things I haven't felt I've had the time for - but unfortunately that didn't happen. For various reasons, I didn't feel great at all, and that day just went by me. I'm not very happy with that, but I know it happens on occasion. I think I'm feeling a little better today, so I'm hoping to get a lot done today instead - especially since tomorrow will be a VERY intense day!

Renovation Part II: Emotional

Due to quite an intense week, unfortunately the blog hasn't been updated. Hopefully I can take some time this weekend to catch up with it!

This entry will try to focus on the emotional part of this whole renovation mess I've been living in for the past 5-6 weeks - naturally it won't be very detailed as emotions are, at least to me, something very private. But I will try to write something.

I think what has become most evident for me is how much I actually value my home! When I was on sick-leave, my home became my refuge, it was the only place in the world where I could totally relax and where I was completely at ease - at any other place there was at least some kind of anxiety involved, although of course the gravity of it varied.
But since I have been feeling better, I can be relaxed at other places as well. Anxiety has not that big part in my life any more (although some of it has come back lately - but that's another story) and I don't have to be on my toes and feeling anxious as soon as I leave my home.
But still, home apparently means a great deal to me - which became very clear when I was more or less thrown out of my home.

I spent three weeks not living at home, and that was really hard on me. Part of the time, I could borrow Christian's apartment - where I was on my own and could go about my business in the way I wanted - and the rest of the time was mostly spent with my Dad and his family, and I'm used to being there as well ... but it was still hard on me not being around my home, my stuff! (This is not to say I'm not grateful both to Christian and to my Dad for making these arrangements possible, because it made things work out well on a practical level!)
Since this was a reaction I had not anticipated, I also was not at all prepared for it, and probably didn't handle it in a great way ...

Things have been feeling a lot better since I was able to come home - but there is an element of anxiety still, as there has been complications and I've basically had people walk in and out any time between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. to try to fix this and that ... And that makes it hard to relax even when I am at home ... this has made me truly appreciate weekends though! :)

Having to go through this renovation mess has also made it impossible for me to try to really deal with my feelings and emotions. I feel like I have been forced to push things aside and telling myself I'll have to deal with them when things calm down a bit - and that is something that I don't feel good about. Pushing things aside make them pile up inside me and eventually I feel like I'm going to break, both physically and emotionally, because there is so much inside me that I can't let out.
This weekend I think is the first time since Christmas, where I can really sit down and work things through (I write - a lot!), not worrying about anything, just trying to focus on what has been going on and how I'm feeling about everything, and why, and where all my emotions come from, and how I'm going to deal with them.
I still have stuff I need to do, but I truly feel I have to prioritize my writing now, if I'm going to be able to feel better!

I have several other blog entries in mind before I feel I'm back-on-track with the blog, so hopefully I can get my act together and publish them during the weekend.

Home Sweet Home!

That sentiment has never ever before felt so true!

I realized just now that it has been exactly four weeks to the day since my last entry. I know I wrote then that I would try to keep updating the blog even though I wouldn't stay home, but the fact that I have been taking a blog break has actually been deliberate.
I have not been doing well the last four weeks, for numerous reasons, and there have been times when I have wondered if I really had it in me to pull through...

The practical aspects of my life, at least some of them, seem to be falling into place now, for which I am most grateful! However, I have been forced to repress and push aside all the mental and emotional aspects of my life for quite a long time, and that is not something that suits me well. The repression approach - "if I close my eyes maybe it'll go away!?" - has never worked for me, I really need to take the opposite approach to the difficulties that arise ... and now I haven't been given that opportunity.

I think I will be able to start dealing with a lot of things during next week, so hopefully I will start feeling better and better.
As a lot of things has happened these past four weeks, I will try to make separate entries, so as not to bore you to death with one single entry that keeps going forever.
Please note that I am now in the process of restoring almost my entire apartment, which takes up most of my time, and I am also completely exhausted, so I might not make a new entry every two hours or so - but I hope I can catch up with the blog over the next few days at least.

You will probably get a few photos of various stages of renovation along the way, although the "AFTER" pictures aren't available yet, as not everything is ready yet.

Tough Week ...

I do apologize for not writing here at all during the week - but it has been one of the most intense weeks I've experienced in a VERY long time! It's been quite hard to get through everything, also because during the fall I wasn't feeling great and I wasn't very "active" at all. Now it seems it's all caught up with me and it tends to get a bit too much at times.

I had an exam with a deadline on midnight Monday so I spent almost all day at Uni and continued working on it when I got home. I wrote frantically until around 11 p.m. but just as I was about to send it I felt like maybe I've completely misunderstood a couple of things! NOT good! It was too late to do anything about it, but I sure am dreading the result (also, it's SOOOOO important that I pass this exam, which makes me even more nervous!) ...

On Tuesday the spring semester started at Uni, and with that the Old Testament/Hebrew course where I am mentor, this year along with another girl. We were supposed to introduce ourself and the mentor activity - and even though I really have become quite secure at the Department, things like that do make me nervous still ... I think it worked out fairly well, and it seems like 16 students will take the course now, which is a lot! Not sure how many of them stick with it until the end, but at least it's a good start.

We had lectures in the afternoon as well, and I sat in on the first half before rushing home to start moving furniture. The electrician was supposed to come on Wednesday morning, and I needed to move everything away from every single electrical outlet in my apartment as well as make sure they could change the ceiling outlets and the fuse box in the hallway. That sure took some doing, especially since I was REALLY tired ... I realized I did NOT want to be home while he was doing it ...

I didn't get everything done Tuesday night, so I was up at 2.30 a.m. on Wednesday and finished it, and left home at about 6 ... I was at Uni at 7.30 and stayed there until about 4 p.m. (and sat in on an OT lecture), ate in town before going home. I was home about 6 p.m. and it was a MESS. I hadn't managed to disconnect my ceiling lamps, so that had been done ... but all of them were just in a mess on the floor and it was pitch black inside my apartment. I had no idea what they had done or if they had connected ANY of the leads at all. I ended up finding a tiny flash light and went around the apartment trying to figure out what they had done and how to get at least one lamp working again... and I did succeed in the end even though I was in a terrible mood.

On Thursday I went to Uni again, though I slept in a little. When I was about to get ready the electrician showed up - apparently he'd forgotten something in my apartment and he also told me I had missed one outlet when I was clearing away, so they hadn't been able to change that. I said I'd have it cleared by the time the renovations started - but it does involve moving two or three bookshelves *sigh* - so hopefully they'll get it done then ... At Uni it was an OT lecture and I spent some time talking to the teacher afterwards. I also met the other mentor and we talked a little about the first mentor meeting that was scheduled to Friday afternoon.
When I got home it was time to move more furniture, as on Friday morning construction workers would be in here covering the floor in the hallway and doing some other stuff.

I was up early Friday morning as well and went to Uni. At 9.30 there were three lectures in sociology of religion, as they will appoint a 50% teaching position in that subject. Of the three people there, I "kinda" know one of them, at least I know who she is, and I do know another one. I had him during a few courses back when I started Uni after my sick leave, and I actually chose between sociology of religion and Old Testament when it came time to specialize my studies ... I hadn't seen him in a long time so it was nice to be there, and I'm actually surprised at how much I remembered (since I haven't taken this subject since 2006!).

I had a little while to myself during lunch before it was time for OT lecture and after that the first mentor meeting. I think it went really well although I always have a tendency to over analyse things. Afterwards I talked a bit with the other mentor, Elisabet, before heading home.

Friday afternoon and yesterday I have spent trying to prepare for my three week absence ... I am really nervous about these three weeks and how things will turn out, but I guess I just have to hope for the best. At the moment I'm trying to get my apartment fit for the renovation, move some furniture for the electrician, trying to find a way to save my flowers, doing laundry and trying to figure out how to actually pack stuff that will keep me going for three weeks ... etc. etc.

I have taken photos continuously of the various states my apartment has gone through, so I will try to make a photo entry later tonight.
But now I have to try to dismantle the mirror wall I have in the hallway ...

Looking Back: 2010

While it's been 2011 for a little while now, I still would like to summarize 2010, thereby hopefully putting at least some of it behind me and look forward.





In many ways 2010 was not a good year for me, so I can honestly say I'm glad it's over. I had high hopes for 2010 when it started, but now I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I know I could have done a lot of things differently, but there were also a number of things happening I had no control over.

What was basically really good was being mentor for the Old Testament/Hebrew course during the spring semester. This was my second time, and I have to say I felt I had learned a lot from the first time. I felt more secure in my role as mentor and I actually think I did do a better job the second time. We had a lovely group of students in the mentor group and usually about 6 students came every single time (compare that to 2 or 3 the previous year)! I really enjoy the subject and the course so that was one of the highlights of 2010. I also "sort of" followed the New Testament/Greek course, mainly to freshen up my Greek skills for a course I took at the end of the semester, and that was also a lot of fun. I discovered that I learned a lot taking this course for the "second time" and lectures were usually lots of fun and quite interesting.





I also took another course during the spring that caused nothing but problems. I don't have the time or energy to go into detail but for me the course didn't work at all. I found out I didn't have to take it - or so I thought! The whole thing ended up being very messy and I basically talked to everyone at the Department about this, without getting any clear answers. The whole thing wasn't completely solved until mid-September (!!!) and then it was said I had to have the course in order for me to get my Degree. I had a hard time reaching the teachers involved, but now I have finally gotten an exam for the course, it's due back on Monday, January 17th, so by then I REALLY hope I can put this course behind me once and for all.

During the spring my Dad fell quite ill ... he's still not doing well and that has been another hard thing to deal with this past year. Understandably I won't go into detail, but health issues are always difficult to tackle, I think.
I also had a pretty bad accident, where I got second degree burns on parts of my right foot. At first I didn't think it was that bad, but it ended up being worse than I thought, and I spent a month visiting the Health Care Centre every other day, being dressed and bandaged to the hilt! It is completely healed now, thank God, but I have a pretty nasty scar left.

During the fall, I haven't been feeling very well. Things haven't worked out and finally, in late October/early November I finally realized what was going on. Again this feels a bit too personal, but I really discovered a few truths about myself, my past and present, my behaviours and thought patterns - and that was quite a revelation. I was able to really start to make some changes to my life and I felt I was doing a pretty good job of it.

Then came November 15. Well, actually it all started on November 13, when I discovered Zorro was bleeding after having used his litter box. He continued to bleed throughout the weekend and I got an appointment with a vet on Monday afternoon. It didn't take long for her to discovered that in all likelihood he had a large tumour in his stomach ... since this is a difficult diagnose to make with certainty and treatments are not 100% - and Zorro was 13½ years old - the decision itself wasn't hard to make.
I held him as he had a calming shot and later on the fatal shot, and our 10 years-4 months together was over for good.






My Mum came down a few days later to help me with things and I am very grateful for that, for at least it gave life some form of normality after this had happened. I still however, have a very hard time dealing with this grief. At times it is better, I know I have to move on with my life and I think I do - but inside I hurt SO much! I can't really say anything about it, because everything has already been said about grief and it just feels so clichéd to try to say anything ...

The end of the year for me was basically all about Zorro, no matter how hard I tried, I could not let him go in my mind even though, inevitably, life goes on. I know people tell me that the grief will eventually go away, even though I will always miss Zorro - and maybe that's true ... I guess I'll have to get back to you on that. For now, however, the grief is a constant part of my life every single day (if not every single hour) ...

Mainly because I was in such a poor shape to begin with, Christmas holidays were hard to handle this year. While nothing really went wrong, I didn't feel good and didn't cope with the time spent with my families as good as I think I could have, had I been feeling better.

So, like I said in the beginning of this entry - 2010 has not been a very good year. By the looks of things, at least the first half of 2011 will be quite difficult and very demanding for me, but I hope I am mentally better prepared to cope with the difficulties now, and hopefully 2011 will be a better year (I will be back with an entry on what lies ahead later on.).

2010 Holiday Summary!

I thought it would be best to start this series of blog entries with a summary of the past holidays.





For various reasons, I have not felt great during these holidays. I usually fret the holidays beforehand, as there is a lot to take into account when planning for them, but once I'm up with my families things tend to work out fairly well ... This year however, I felt it was really hard - and I think there are quite a few reasons for that.
I wasn't feeling at all well when the holidays started and that makes things quite difficult. I am used to living alone and minding my own business, so it is a fairly big change to suddenly live around several other people, two of them being children and always having to think about everyone else, adapting yourself after other people's needs and wishes. I guess it sounds like I'm totally selfish and egocentric usually but I honestly don't think I am - it just takes a while getting used to living like that. Often I can cope with it, but I am a very private kind of person and when I don't feel bad, I find it very difficult to interact with others ... so I think that was part of why this Christmas didn't feel great.

Naturally it was very hard not having Zorro around this Christmas! As usual, from a practical point of view some things got easier. I could spend more time with my Mum, as I didn't have to ask my Dad and his family to take care of Zorro if I stayed overnight, for instance - and I didn't have to worry about him not getting as much attention as he usually did. During the trips I only had to think about myself ... but at the same time, I felt very alone without him. Zorro and I usually didn't get much time for us when we visited my Dad and his family, as my sisters usually crave a lot of attention, but the time we did have - usually at night when the others had gone to bed, was such a quality time, we totally enjoyed being together ... and this year I felt completely alone going to bed.

I think I can split the holidays in two, actually. From a practical point of view, they were actually very good! I didn't have to worry about Zorro (which I did quite a lot earlier), I did get to spend more time with my Mum, it was great seeing my sisters again, nobody was ill or hurt ...
But on an emotional level, it wasn't that great. First and foremost of course, missing Zorro. But I also felt it more difficult to be around everybody, probably because I wasn't feeling the best beforehand. I had a hard time being patient with the girls and it was sometimes difficult trying to adapt myself to their routines ... there were other factors too, but they are a bit too personal for a public blog.

One day my Dad and I took a trip to the summerhouse, mostly to check it out, see if rats had gone in and get rid of some of the snow on the roofs of the buildings. While it was quite hard work it was fantastic to get a day on my own with my Dad, and it was really beautiful out there, the sun was shining and quite a bit of snow ...




There will be more entries to come, so do come back! :)

Last Few Days!

Finally I'm feeling up to blogging again!
Very early on Thursday morning (like 3 a.m.!) I woke up with a really bad migraine, so that day was mainly spent in bed. I haven't been sleeping very well for a while, and I'm guessing it just had caught up with me and caused the migraine.

Though still a bit shaky yesterday, I did some errands and also took a trip to IKEA in Malmö. They moved a while back, and I haven't been to the new one, which was kinda huge (the entrance was on the 3rd (!) floor!)! I didn't get much, just a few minor things (didn't feel like carrying a lot...), but it was a nice outing!

Today I'm trying (as usual) to do a lot of things at once! While still pretty annoyed at Uni about a couple of things, I'm trying to do a bit of reading for my Master's Thesis (will probably meet with my professor next week), and I've gone through some weird "clearing-out-mania" since I got back from the summerhouse ... now I'm going through all my old collections and getting rid of about 95% of them! Today I've been throwing away ALL my magazine clippings (those of you who has known me a while know that I've gathered a few *lol*), and been sorting through all my articles/ads etc. I'm figuring I should give it a couple of chances on tradera, see if anyone wants to buy them, otherwise I'm throwing them out as well!
Also sorting through a lot of trading cards, books, magazines etc, so I will at least try to get some of it sold ...

I'm hoping to get a bit done on the clearing project this week, because at the moment my apartment almost looks like a war zone, there are things and boxes and stacks of this-and-that ALL OVER the place ... and it would be nice to get things out of the way and clean up before next week! :) Guess I'd better get on with it, right?

Summer 2010

Well, I thought I'd make a general entry about the summer of 2010, as it is about to end soon.
And I have to say that this summer has been a bit different, compared to the last few summers at least.

For once, I left for the summerhouse rather late, around Midsummer. This did happen last year too (if I remember correctly, but usually I have gone to the summerhouse a bit earlier than that. Also, I didn't feel so great in June, and I ended up stressing like an idiot before being able to leave (Actually, I wrote the last 4 pages on a New Testament paper and sent in on the same day that I left for the summerhouse!!).
My Dad and his family was on vacation when I got up to the summerhouse, which was also something new. They try to take at least one vacation trip every summer, but they've never been away during Midsummer before. This meant that I spent the entire Midsummer weekend with my Mum, and it was a long time since we did that! She came to me in the summerhouse and stayed the night, which was really nice!

Then I had a couple of weeks in the summerhouse, both alone and with Dad and his family, and that was pretty much as usual. I'm amazed at how the kids grow - but I'll make a separate entry about the girls later! :) - and we spent some quality time together, as well as got some necessary work done!

In the middle of July, Zorro and I went back home - and that is very unusual ... I can't even remember when that happened last! :) We took the train (and a replacement bus *sigh*), and I do feel very grateful it is possible to take Zorro like that, because it certainly makes things a lot easier for me! I do feel bad for him, because I know he doesn't like it one little bit, but at least it's possible, he is able to rest and almost sleep for parts of the trip, and I guess that's the main thing!
Unfortunately, there was a pretty extreme heat wave when we were here ... I had high hopes of getting a lot of things done, and I ended up on my couch with a great big fan and lots and lots of ice and no energy whatsoever. I know this must sound pretty ridiculous, but I really truly hate heat ... I can stand normal summer temperatures - even though I don't like them - but when I can't get below 30 degrees inside (86F) at any time, I just feel truly sick!!!
So that trip didn't exactly end up the way I had hoped!

After about two weeks here we went back to the summerhouse, and when we arrived it turned out that my Dad's girlfriend (will call her C for her initial, it's easier!) had gotten a really nasty insect bite that really looked bad - so we ended up doing some emergency packing and cleaning, I went with them to their home (and left Zorro in the summerhouse) and borrowed their other car, and went back to Zorro that night!

I got some alone time in the summerhouse, which was nice, and my Mum and I were also able to take our annual West Coast trip, which was grate!!
I took a trip, alone, to a major animal park called Nordens Ark, but I will make a separate entry about that ...

And then I went to my Dad and his family, taking Zorro with me. They're redecorating one of their bathrooms and needed an extra adult, so we took turns doing that and being with the kids, and it worked out pretty well, although I find it being quite intense living with them - as I'm used to living alone.
I also got to see my Mum a bit, which was really nice!
After a while my Dad and his family, and me, and Zorro went to the summerhouse, to make it ready for the autumn, meaning clearing all the land as well as thoroughly cleaning the house - and when we were done with that, we all went here and my "summer" was over. They stayed for two entire days (three nights) and I think it worked out pretty well, though it's obvious that an apartment this size isn't meant for three adults, two kids and a cat! *lol*
The good-byes are always difficult, and this was no different ... I am truly enjoying my life down here, but it is very hard to say good bye (and more so to certain people ...).

It turned out that I had lived with my Dad and his family for almost two weeks in a row when they left and while it was hard when they left it had been pretty hard for me to be so close to so many people for so long ...

Since the left I haven't done that much, I've been going through a LOT of photos and get that in order, I've been doing some sorting and rearranging here at home, and I'm slowly finding my way back to the fall semester! :) Though this fall is still very uncertain, so I'm going to make a separate entry about that as well!

Finish off with a few photos from the summerhouse!

Update and Photos!

Yeah, this trip home during the summer sure didn't turn out the way I had hoped, that's for sure.
First a little about this week, so far, and then I'll try to summarize the time spend up north ... finishing off will be some photos from the summer so far.

I have managed to catch up with a few friends this week, which feels great, as I'm not home for long this time. On Monday afternoon, Lena came by after work. It took a few transportation-mistakes, but we found each other at last and managed to get to my apartment, but it was WAY TOOOOOO HOT outside .... I had almost 43 degrees (Celsius ... that's about 110 degrees Farenheit) outside my window and 30 degrees (86F) inside ... not nice!! It was, however, nice to catch up with Lena! It's more difficult now, when almost all of my friends are actually working, and working as priests they don't exactly keep regular business hours, so it was really nice catching up with her. She left a bit after six p.m. and I walked with her to the bus, something I in retrospect sort of regret ... it was really really hot, and by the time I made it back to my apartment, I felt really dizzy and barely made it up the stairs ... I sooo don't get along with the heat!

Tuesday night I was supposed to meet Sara in Helsingborg for an "after work" (well, for her anyway! *lol*). I had decided to take the bus there, we had decided to meet at 7 p.m. I got on the city bus, but apparently they were having a carnival in town (they usually do that the first weekend in July but obviously it was later this year), so the buses didn't go through the centre of town ... I felt completely lost, not knowing how the buses drove, so I ended up going all the way out to the railway station and taking the train to Helsingborg instead! :) Despite a lot of misunderstandings on my part, I met up with Sara eventually! We had a few beers and took a little walk and it was REALLY nice!!!!
I have to make a comment on how fantastic I feel when I can do these things ... I still feel nervous, but it's working out without major problems, and I'm just amazed!!! And extremely happy!!! I also have to comment on the fact that the first person (despite something that turned into a great huge big horrible mess!) I REALLY talked to and had contact with, after my sick leave, was actually Sara!! Who would have guessed we'd end up having this fantastic friendship ... ? *feeling quite happy*
The evening was wonderful, and I really need to start doing these kind of things as well, to "de-dramatize" something that has before been very anxiety-ridden!

I wasn't home until about 11 p.m. on Tuesday but I enjoyed every minute of it! :)
Yesterday, Wednesday, I had FINALLY decided to meet Rebecka! We've tried to get together for a number of months now, but it just hasn't worked out! It was fantastic to see her again ... I have quite a history with her, and it's great that we're still keeping in touch! We sure had a lot of things to catch up on, when we first met, I had some major trouble to contend with and now she's the one facing lots of problems! I have a feeling she's dealing with them in a better way then I did though ...

On top of this, I have of course, attempted to get some studying done. Note the fact that I'm using the word "attempt", because this horrible heat wave hasn't made it easy for me. Those of you who know me, know that when most people take out their jackets, I'm sweating in a T-shirt - so having 30-35 degrees (85-95F) has made it pretty awful for me. Also, not sure if I might be asthmatic, or if it's something else, but I'm experiencing feeling very out-of-breath ... just walking for a short bit in the heat and I feel like I can't breath at all!! I know they've warned asthmatics in southern Sweden as the ozone layer is really thin here now, and I'm not sure if that's what I'm reacting to, or if it's something else, but I really haven't been feeling well ... Hopefully temperatures will drop to about 20-25 degrees (68-78F) now, which will make a lot of difference, I'm sure!!!

Yup, that was it for my visit back here. I'm going to intervene with some photos from my trip to the summerhouse (photos span from June 24th to July 3rd) - and then finish with some comments on my time in the summerhouse!




First some beautiful nature photos ...


And little people sure do grow fast, don't they?! :) This being my sisters, the oldest one M being 6 years old and the younger is I, 3½!

I spent most of the time in the summerhouse, and most of it was really good! My Dad and his family were away during Midsummer, they'd taken a trip to Krakow in Poland, so for the first time in quite a long time I spent the entire Midsummer with my Mum. I went from the summerhouse to town to pick her up, and she stayed overnight before taking the train back the following day - and we had a great time! :D

Then I was alone for a while in the summerhouse, and tried to get most done on clearing the land (the summerhouse has about 7000 square meters attached to it, most of it we do by motor driven lawn mower but some of it requires a bit more to be cleared down. The weather put stops to my plans, so when my Dad and his family arrived we had a bit more than half a day of clearing left to do but after that we could take it a bit more easy and spend some time together.
The kids sure do grow quickly, I'm amazed every time I see them!!!!!

M has just turned 6 years old and I is 3½ ... yikes!! It seems like just a little while ago M was born, I got to hold her in the hospital when she was about 27 hours old ... amazing!! M is very smart, she's reading practically without any obstacles at all - which will be a great advantage when she starts school this fall - and I is the cutest thing you'll ever find, she could charm ANYone, I swear!!! :D

Basically, I spent some time with my Dad and his family and then headed back home with Zorro on trains/buses ... and thankfully that is working out fantastically well now!! The first time I took Zorro on a train was a horror, full stop, but now ... give him 5-10 minutes on a train/bus, we finds a comfortable place in his transportation box and falls asleep - fantastic!!!!!!

Wow, this ended up being a very long entry ... :) I guess that's compensation for me not writing a lot here while I've been home! *LOL*

Troubled Past and Minor Setbacks!

It's been a few days, again, since my last update, but hopefully this will only be a minor setback - as I am generally feeling better now.

The fact is, this entire semester has been really really hard to deal with. I can't make a list of the specifics but it seems that almost everything that has happened has contributing to things not working out. And since it's been going on basically since the end of January, I'm quite sick of it now.

Instead of making a really long and boring and depressing entry about everything that has gone wrong, I will focus on what has been going right this semester - and I will try to finish off by giving you some insight into how the future will turn out (which I really don't know, but still ...), what areas I will have to start dealing with now ...

One thing that has worked out this semester has been the mentor activity in the Old Testament/Hebrew course. There were a lot of uncertainties for me last year and I very much doubted my own capabilities - so I was thrilled to get another chance this year. And I think it has improved, at least that's the way I feel about it. Not everything has been going great of course, but I think I have handled my "leader role" in a better way this time, and I've had a lovely group of students to work with. I was also quite thrilled to get such as large group. Both the entire group that has been taking the course as well as the mentor group has gone through some changes during the semester, but toward the middle of the semester it started stabilizing in both groups, and by then the entire group of students were about 10 and 6 of them constantly came to mentor meetings! Fantastic!!

Another thing that has been working out (almost completely) has been the New Testament. I was going to take one small course in NT this semester, and felt I really needed to freshen up my koine-greek, so I spoke to the teacher giving that course (same one I had when I took NT Greek). He was only happy to see me at lectures again (lol) so I ended up going to most of his lectures as well. It turned out really well, I like him a lot and I also learned A LOT by picking this up again in this way!

I had some major problems with a smaller essay I was going to present at the end of this semester. For some reason it seemed impossible for me to write it, so I ended up in quite a panic toward the very end. I did finish it, but I wasn't that happy with it, and at the seminar I felt really bad. I can't be "objective" and say what really went on there, because I think I was quite affected by how tired and emotional I was, but let's just say I did NOT enjoy that seminar, that's for sure!!!
I had a few days to correct some things that had been addressed at the seminar and late last week I handed in the final version. And yesterday I had an email from my professor, telling me he had graded the essay and given it the high grade, VG!!! I really did NOT expect that at all, since everything about this essay had been so difficult! Also, I had basically felt that as long as I don't fail it, I just have to deal .... and instead it turned out really well! :D

Letting you rest your eyes for a bit with some photos from one of my nature walks (hasn't been that many of them this semester unfortunately):




And a CUTE Zorro! :D

This semester hasn't exactly worked out well for my Dad and his family either, my Dad being quite ill, so toward the end of May I decided to making a short trip to visit them. It did mess up my other schedules a bit but it was really nice to see them all again! They let me borrow their car, so I took Zorro on the train there (but we ended up having to go by bus the last bit due to some flooding ... *poor Zorro*), but we could take a car back home.
On the way home we went in to see the summerhouse, I just stopped for half an hour. During the end of last summer we redecorated the bathroom, and I was there for the boring part (ripping everything out) but hadn't seen the finished product. Also, we had some severe damage done (thankfully mostly to nature and not to our buildings) due to the heavy winter and snow this year, so I felt I had to see that for myself too.
Here are some pictures from my trip, the kids first (they grow SO FAST!!!!!), and some from the summerhouse at the end:







One more note before I start looking ahead. This Sunday I was at the ordination ceremony where four of my closest friends were ordained for the priesthood! I was there fore the ceremony last year too, for Sara, and this year it was time for Lena, Rebecka, Johanna and Per - it's amazing to be there and share that with them. I didn't attend any party afterwards, since there was no way I wanted to choose which one to attend, but it was wonderful to be there for the ceremony! :)

I think this entry ended up being longer than I had intended! :) So I think I'll save the "looking ahead" for the next entry, as I don't want to cause you to fall asleep in front of the computer! :)