Monday, 30 April 2007

It Feels Hopeless!

Yesterday was a really terrible day, I couldn't bring myself to write anything here at all. It was one of those days when nothing won't work and nothing gets done and as the hours pass you feel worse and worse ...

Today has been a bit better, I have gotten a fair bit of studying done, and during the breaks I have been working on my little 'project'. But it still feels hopeless... This semester has been wrong from the start, and as things are now, I can never do enough. If I think I have put in a really good day's job studying, what I have gotten done is but a drop in the ocean compared to what I am expected to know at the exam. I know that all I can do is keep it up, do the best I can and hope for the best, but it's very hard to find any kind of motivation or energy.
Just an example to illustrate better ... for instance : a large part of this course I'm taking now is translating parts (verses) of the Hebrew Bible into Swedish ... unfortunately you can't always go by the Swedish Bible to "correct", because the new translation from 2000 has gathered a number of different Hebrew Handwritings to cover as much as possible ... thereby saying that the Swedish Old Testament is not a direct translation of the Hebrew Bible.
Translating takes a lot of time, not only do you have to worry about grammar and stuff like that, you have to look up pretty much every single word ...
So, say I stay really focused for maybe two hours, by then I'd say I have translated maybe 20-30 verses ... and I'm expected to translate (and more or less know by heart) about 250 verses ... plus two books .... Is there any point whatsoever?!?!!?
I mean, I won't quit now, obviously, but it is sooooo difficult to stay focused and motivated!! Now all I have is tomorrow, the exam is on Wednesday ...

I guess I'm trying to really get used to the idea of me failing this exam as well, because I honestly think that is what is going to happen. It does constitute some problems though, it has to do with the application for next semester's courses, about recieving my student loan money ... etc etc.

I know there's nothing I can do except try my best and see what happens, but since I'm a born brooder, I have a hard time letting go ...

Jessica's Websites

Saturday, 28 April 2007

Very Hard To Focus

Right now I am supposed to be 100% effective in what I do, and instead I find myself having a very had time to focus. It doesn't really matter what I do, wether I study, or take a break working on the computer, or cleaning, or reading ... I just tend to loose focus right away with everything I do.
And I can't really afford that the way things are at the moment!!
I'm behind on this course as well, and we have the exam on Wednesday!! I don't have much planned at all, which is great, but I still really need to concentrate and get things done, otherwise I'll fail this exam as well ...But I just don't know how to gain focus again ...

I will be getting a bit of a break tomorrow afternoon, when I'm going to a spring concert!! I know it'll be great, I really like these concerts, but right now I'm feeling very down and most of all feel like giving it up! I know I won't, and I know I probably will enjoy myself a lot when I'm there, it's just that at the moment, the only thing I want to do is go to bed, cuddle up with Zorro and never move again ...
Guess that's not an option, huh?

I thought I'd gain some motivation and focus by having this little project to work on during my breaks, but it didn't quite work out that way! When I'm studying, all I can do is think about the project, but when I take a break, and I'm supposed to actually work on it, I can't concentrate ... *sigh*
I really wish this semester will end .... SOON ... because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going the way I am ...

Jessica's Websites

Friday, 27 April 2007

Headaches, Studies And A New Project ...

Well, the title pretty much sums up everything I had planned for this blog entry ... but perhaps I should elaborate a little ...:)

I have spent most of the past two days with a terrible headache ... I just hate them!! It started yesterday afternoon, I hardly slept at all last night and it took until about 2 p.m. today before I could function properly!! *sigh* Wasn't the best timing either, since I really need to study full time and more for the exam on Wednesday ... Guess I can't do much about it when it happens though ...

Studies, well, yes, that is the main focus at the moment! I have fallen behind on this course as well, and while things don't feel quite as hopeless as they did before the last exam, I'm still not happy at all! As usual, it's not really difficult to learn, it's just sooooo much to learn, that you're always stressing, which of course mean that you don't learn as much as you should! I really am interested in the subject, I want to continue with it, but since it turned out totally wrong from the beginning, it feels hopeless at the moment ...

Finally then, yes, I have a new internet project ... I think!! I'm not sure if - or when - I will be able to go through with this, seing as how things are busy to say the least at the moment! Therefore I won't even tell you what this new project is, becuase if I do, I tend to feel a pressure to get it done as quickly as possible, and studies definately has to come first now! Still, I do need breaks, and I need to find something that will motivate me, and get me interested .... so keep your fingers crossed I will be able to get this project working ... sooner or later! :)

Take care - I hope you'll have a lovely weekend!

Jessica's Websites

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Recovery-"Break" ??

As some of you may have known, I have not been feeling great at all lately, which is the explanation for the lack of blogging.
I am now facing six whole days probably without any anxiety, as we have a study-period before our exam on May 2nd now. I guess I shouldn't call it a break, since I will have to study a lot if I am going to have a chance to pass the exam, but at least it will be up to me to get it done, and there will be no external pressure to perform ... and I'm hoping that might give me a chance to make a "come-back" with my life! Which also would mean a "come-back" with the blog! :) I remember during the fall, when I actually wrote something here every single day ... maybe that's aiming a bit too high, but I should at least be able to write something most days of the week ... at least I hope so.

I have a feeling I really should try to tell you what it is that has been going on during this semester, but I'm not sure if I can ... It's hard to try to make sense of it, unless I start raving on like crazy - and then I'd probably be hopelessly boring... but I guess I could give it a try! :)

I'm taking Hebrew, Bible Hebrew, and though I was told it would be very demanding, I had no idea whatsoever how intense it would be! I don't think that was the main problem for me though, as I have other problems to cope with!
The way the lectures have been conducted has actually been my main problem, combined with an enormous stress factor. We've been given texts or sentences in Bible Hebrew (from the Hebrew Bible), to learn and translate, and during lectures, we've had to take turns in reading and translating in front of the group. I think at the very beginning, I didn't know this was going to happen, so I had a panic attack in the classroom ... this led to me skipping a lecture or two, but what I found out the hard way was that it was near-impossible to catch up on my own, which meant that next time I was going to a lecture, I felt totally unprepared, and the panic attack was a fact again! I have never really gotten out of this, I have tried one thing after another, but for some reason, none of my strategies have worked out. This had led to me feeling awful all the time. When I have skipped lectures I have felt bad and known that I've missed imoportant information - and also the chance on working with my social phobia - and the times I have actually attended lectures, I have experienced panic- and anxiety attacks almost all the time ... I just felt I couldn't win!
No matter what I have tried to do during this semester, it has ended with me feeling terrible. And living under such stress, eventually leads to depression ... even though it may not have been that severe!

Since I don't have lectures now, until the exam and the next part of the course, I am hoping to gather some spiritual and mental strength! I know I have to study pretty much all the time, since I have missed so much, but at least I won't be put in situations where I experience panic and anxiety attacks ... which will be a change!! Like I said, I'm hoping to gather strength and maybe, just maybe be able to handle the next part of the course a bit better!
I think that if I'm only given time to prepare the texts we are given, I might be able to handle reading and translating in front of everyone, but so far, I have not had the time to prepare, and then it's been totally impossible ... No guarantees of course, I have been disappointed so many times this semester, but at least there is a hope ... always something, right? :)

I hope this somewhat explains what it is I have been living with for the past three months ... I do hope I will be able to cope better in the future, and that I will be able to post here more often as well! :)

Take care!

Jessica's Websites

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

My New Blog ... And More ...

Well, as my new blog is in Swedish, I will wait and talk about it later, and instead give you some sort of vague update of what's going on in my life right now ...

Well, I did pass the exam I took last Friday, and it's really a relief to be able to put that course behind me, and I'm greatful for that. It's a bit complicated, but if I hadn't passed it, I would have been in real trouble, because then I wouldn't have been able to take the exam on this course! (Yeah, it's complicated, and I'm not really in the mood for long explanations, sorry!)
However, things aren't totally happy just because of that ...
Apparently, my life isn't supposed to be easy (duh!!), because there are some real problems arising at this new course as well ... making me sort of nervous! I really feel I'm heading the exact same way on this course that I did on the previous one ... I REALLY DON'T want it, but somehow it seems that's where I'm going anyway!

I have recently fought my way out a depression, and it seems I'm heading into another one right now .... so I do apologize for the depressing entry ...
It just feels hopeless when you give everything you have in order for things to work out, and the problems are just growing and growing! I try to deal with them, I really do, but as soon as I think I'm handling one thing, five new difficult situations seem to arrive in my life!

I know I have to face problems, and working a lot at my specific issues (most of them having to do with my social phobia and my low self-esteam of course), and I think I would be able to - if it was one or two or three issues ... but when they're counting five, ten, twenty issues, I don't know if I have the energy to cope ...

Att leva med social fobi
Min nya blogg på svenska! Tänkte det var dags att göra lite "reklam" för den här.
Bloggen kommer att vara en mix av min vardag, allmänna fakta om social fobi, min syn på social fobi, ångest, depression ... och mycket mycket mer!!
Det centrala temat i bloggen är just social fobi, och dess följder. Ibland kommer jag att ta upp händelser ur mitt liv, som känns relevanta för just det här problemet, ibland kommer det att komma rena fakta kring social fobi, mina egna tankar kring vad som karaktäriserar social fobi, dess behandling osv, och jag kommer också att försöka slänga in rena fakta, länkar till bra sidor, tips om litteratur osv.
Den här bloggen är dels till för mig själv, för att verkligeen fokusera och koncentrera mig på den del av mitt liv som utgörs av social fobi och vad det innebär, hur jag kan jobba med det osv. Bloggen är också tillför andra med liknande problem, där vitsen är att man ska delvis kunna känna igen sig och delvis kunna protestera för att man själv fungerar på ett annat sätt. Jag vill gärna ha kontakt med andra på samma sätt, och tar därför gärna kontakt med andra med liknande svårigheter som jag själv. Ni kan antingen lämna kommenterar i bloggen, eller maila mig här:
Nu har jag svamlat nog om det här - här kommer i alla fall adressen till den nya bloggen:

Okay, that was the bit about my new Swedish blog.
Now promoting some of my forums ... don't know if it'll do much good, but I can at least keep trying, right?! :)

Enjoy - and take care!

Jessica's Websites

Monday, 16 April 2007

Should Be Happy But ...

I know I should be happy tonight, because several things have actually worked out for me today ... and yet somehow I can't seem to get the energy to feel anything except worn out ...
It's been a very intense day today, so I guess it's not that strange if I'm feeling tired, but it's hard not be able to enjoy things that you deep down inside know are good!

I got the result back on the exam I had to re-take, and I passed this time! I know this is GREAT news, really, because there would have been heeps of trouble if I'd failed, and still, all I can do at the moment is look at the result, and I was very close to failing ... And since the course we're taking now is based on the previous course, I still feel that if I haven't learned what I'm supposed to from the previous course, I'm gonna run into problems with this one as well ... *sigh*

One thing, I don't really have the energy to explain it here, but there's one thing that really worries me about this course, and I have a hard time letting that go ... oh, I really should be writing here at all when I'm in this mood ... Guess we can try to blame it all on the fact that I'm exhausted and hope I feel better in the morning! :)
Good plan, right?! :)

Take care, guys!

Jessica's Websites

Friday, 13 April 2007

Good Or Bad?

Well, I had to re-take the exam I failed a few weeks ago today ... not funny! As you might have noticed, I am not feeling well at all at the moment, I have been stressing like crazy over this exam, stressing to the point where I actually didn't get any studying done, which of course only led to more stress ... I am definately not logical sometimes!!

Anyway, from the way I feel after the exam, it might - just might!! - have worked out ... I can't help feeling I did better this time than the last, but since I'm so stressed out, and things are the way they are at the moment, I have a feeling it could also be just the oposite ... Our teacher is usually super-quick to grade our exams, so right now I'm kind of wishing it wasn't Friday today, because now I have to wait the entire weekend before finding out how I did (otherwise we've gotten the exams the following day) .... Guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, right ... *nervous*

I apologize for this short entry, this has been a really long day (I also had lectures after the exam *sigh*) and I have a pretty bad headache! I have tried more or less everything, but I would like to make a post in my Swedish blog as well tonight, so I'm gonna have to cut this one a bit short ....
Guess I'll go and take a whole bunch of more headache pills now, and hope I'll be able to get through a post at the other blog before I pass out! :)

Take care, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Sorry folks, now entry in the Swedish blog tonight ...:( Headache overwhelming, so I'm going to bed instead! Will try to write an entry first thing tomorrow morning instead. Take care!

Jessica's Websites

Wednesday, 11 April 2007

Up-Side-Down -- Inside-Out!

The title pretty much reflects my life at the moment ...
Although I realize I sound totally boring and generally depressing I have to say that my life at the moment is a pretty big mess. Things have not at all turned out the way I had hoped this semester, which leaves me with a whole bunch of problems and no energy at all to try and deal with them. Which means I keep putting them off ... which means ... they get worse and worse ...

I know I sound vague, but trust me - you would not want to hear it all in detail!! If nothing else, it'd probably take me a week or so to write it all down ... so that's really not an option!

The most acute thing at the moment is the exam that I failed and will have to take again - on Friday!!! I feel completely unprepared and I have a terrible feeling that I will fail this exam as well. And that will without a doubt lead to a whole lot of trouble, because the course I am actually taking right now depends on the previous course ... which means, that unless I get a passing grade on the last course, I won't be able to complete this one ... terrific ... not!!
I know there's nothing I can do about it now, except study and do my best - and if Friday isn't a success, I have to deal with it then ... but it is VERY hard not to keep thinking about it ...

I am trying to keep my forums alive, but I can't help getting the feeling that I'm doing it in vain. Sure, some times there are a member online, writing a post or two, but I can't say that they are really "working out" (most of the time I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself ...) ... anway, I won't delete them, at least not yet ... (if you're interested, there are links to all three of them a few posts down)

I have however started up a new blog today, which will be in Swedish. Sorry for all you guys who won't be able to read it, but due to the nature of the blog, it will have to be in Swedish. For those you who can read Swedish, you can check it out here:

Take care!

Jessica's Websites

Sunday, 8 April 2007

Happy Easter!

Yes, I know it's a little late, as we're nearly through Easter now, but the intention is still good, right? I hope you all have had and have a great Easter holiday!

Personally, I don't quite know what to say ... Generally speaking Easter has been really good, with some golden moments, but naturally that would be too good to be true, so there's been some really horrible moments as well ...

My Mum came down for a few days over Easter, and it was just wonderful to see her!! I had some hopes that my earlier depression would mysteriously disappear, since there was a break in the general routine with her coming, no lectures etc. It seemed to work out, I even managed to - sort of any way - handle a few distruptive incidents - but unforutnately the depression came back in a 100 miles per hour at the exact time my Mum's bus left ...
I always truly HATE good-byes but over the last few years I think I have learned to cope, I feel really bad, but it passes fairly quickly and I can get busy with other things ... did NOT work out this time! It's nearly two days since Mum left and it's still tearing me up inside. Now, that's not the whole truth, because there are lots of other stuff that are definately NOT good in my life right now, and I do know that I am in the middle of a depression, and that of course, makes things like good-byes even worse ...

Most things in my life are pretty bad right now, but to not get completely wrapped up in all the bad things I have to tell you at least one good thing that has happened (although with my depression I just keep telling myself that that good thing is so small and unimportant, it doesn't even matter that it is good ... isn't it FUN to be depressed?? *ironic smile*)
Anyway ...
The good news is that a while back I joined a forum called Admin's Retreat, where admins of forums meet, get advice and just hang out. They have a "Best Board of the Month" competition, and just for fun, I entered my James Bond Forum ... with Easter being the way it has, I didn't check it out until yesterday ... and I won!! *gasp* That was REALLY surprising, but I even got the banner to show it:

Therefore, also, some shameless promotions of my forums:



Jessica's Websites