Friday, 30 November 2007

Completely Out Of It!

Another boring entry, I fear! I'm so tired I feel completely out of it right now - so I'm not sure how I'm going to make sense of this entry!

I've been suffering fairly severe stomach cramps all day, so I've been on kind of a lot of pain killers (I think I should be greatful that nobody around me is a doctor or something like that ... think I'd be in pretty big trouble then ...). Also, I do not have the time to stay in bed, so despite all the pills, I've been studying a bit.
I find it very difficult with my studies now though, because there is SO much to do (translating about 20 pages of Hebrew text, copying notes, preparing a paper and a seminar and reading ... *counting in my head* seven different books, 2 in Swedish, the rest in English - and no matter what I do, I feel bad because I know I have so much other stuff left to do!
I have been focusing on my notes from lectures for a few days now, and I do think that is a good thing, I'm noticing day by day that I'm really learning something from it - but it's horribly time consuming! Today I studied intensily from about 10.15 a.m. to 16.30 p.m., with hardly any breaks, maybe in total 20 mintues break in all those hours - and what I achived was completing notes from two lectures! I mean, I'm pretty sure I know the stuff by now, but it still feels like I could have gotten so much else done in the mean time ... still, I can't say that doing one thing is "better" than doing something else, I need to do everything in order for this situation to work out!
*deep deep sigh*

Now I'm going off to bed at least, and tomorrow will be 'cleaning-and-putting-up-Christmas-decoration' day! Hopefully I can get some studying done as well, if I can be efficient, it shouldn't take all day to clean the apartment - although I know the Christmas-decorations-thing tend to take a lot of time! Not that I have that much stuff, but I'm supposed to arrange all the electrical stuff in a working manner, putting some stuff on timers etc - and that's usually kind of complicated!
If I have the time and the energy I might try to take some photos and publish in the blog - but I'm not making any promises! :)

Good night!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Mostly different kinds of Uni-litterature
Currently watching: Eureka
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: Cleaning, Christmas decorating, studying, maybe a trip downtown.

Thursday, 29 November 2007

Kinda Boring ...

I haven't a clue what I'm going to write about today ... so I'm guessing this will be a very boring entry! I've been studying practically all day, even though I find it difficult to be really focused!! I'm currently catching up on my lecture-notes, which is taking forever!! I guess it's a good thing, because it means you have a lot of the work done, I tend to learn a lot from notes, but when you're in a very stressful situation and find you have about a trillion things to do as well, it's annoying when it takes about 2-2½ hours to get through one lecture! I also make a habit of first re-writing my notes by hand, checking up all the page-references and all the Biblewords given out at the lecture (not a chance you'd have time to do that during the lecture), and when I have done that, I type it all in on my computer! I've gone through a bit over 8 lectures now (we did #14 yesterday), and I'm noticing that I actually am lerning a lot, I remember things, can see 'cause-and-effect' of things etc, so I really think this is a good way to study for me - but I still can't help but feel super-stressed about everything else ... Ah well ... guess I'll survive somehow! :)

As I said - boring entry!! Sorry guys ... also finishing off with a boring reminder. I know I've gotten some votes on my poll, but I'd like to ask as many of you to vote as possible (so if you have voted, please disregard this!) - it only takes a moment, and you can be perfectly anonymous ... thanks, readers! :)

Good night!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Draedful mix at the moment!
Currently watching: Läckberg & Rudberg (Swedish book-programme with authors Camilla Läckberg and Denise Rudberg)
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES, grocery shopping

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Headache All Day!

I woke up with a horrible headache at 4.30 this morning - NOT fun! I was supposed to meet my mentor, Rebecka, but had to cancel. We did have lectures at 1, and the teacher was going to start on a new book, which I haven't bought and haven't even had time to locate at the library, so I pretty much felt I had to be there.
Let's just say it wasn't fun, that's for sure! Our teacher is good at lectures, he knows tons and he's pretty easy to follow, but he's very intese so you end up taking notes like an idiot!! Which really is a very good thing, since exams seem to more or less only focus on what he has said on the lectures - but it's very hard to be focused and concentrated and be able to follow him when it feels like a regiment of miners are working away inside your head ...
I did survive lectures, but I haven't had the energy to do much since I got home.
What was positive at Uni today was that we found out we will get an extra week before we have to turn in our paper and have the seminar! *yay* We were suppose to hand it in on Monday and have the seminar on Wednesday but it's all been postponed for an entire week! *happy*

I have so much to do right now, but at least I don't have to stress like crazy with that! And now we don't have lectures until Monday! *yay again* I will spent the entire Thursday and Friday studying and the entire Saturday cleaning and putting up Christmas decorations ... Sunday I can hopefully relax, I will go to a Christmas concert in Helsingborg in the afternoon, try to get into the Christmas spirit a little! (oh yeah, I must remember to change the ring tone on my cell phone on Sunday, I managed to get the most annyoing version of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' that I have to start using now! *lol*)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Trying to mix "fun" with "must" - not going to well.
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 4
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Patience Is A Virtue

Patience is a Virtue I do not possess!!
That has certainly been proven today! I'm in a lousy mood, having spent most of today running around like crazy trying to get a lot of things done - but almost every single one of them turned out wrong!! I needed to get so much done today, and I've hardly done anything at all!!
Since things are sooo stressful right now, I don't have time for things going wrong, or postponing things to some other time - I need to get them done according to plan.
Yeah, well, "plan" just laughed in my face today!!

And as a result, I feel terrible!! For once though, I don't feel sad and depressed, which is usually the way I tend to react. I rather feel very annoyed ... which isn't great either, I suppose!! I'm desperatly trying to stick to my thoughts from yesterday - that all I can do is my very best, and if that's not enough, I'm going to have to deal with those consequences when they occur!! But it's HARD!!!

All I can do now is try not to let this get to me, and hope for better luck tomorrow!
Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Teologiska reflexioner II: Gudstro, Werner Jeanrond
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 2
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: shopping, lectures, STUDIES

Monday, 26 November 2007

Organizing Like Crazy!!

I'm currently feeling very confused ... I seem to have so much stuff going on now, that I feel like I'm going to mess everything up! I write lists and lists and more lists to try to remember everything that I have to do, and when I have to them and how I'm going to prioritize ... it's still a bit early to tell if it'll succeed or not - but I'm certainly feeling confused enough, that's for sure!!

Today I've been studying, attending lectures at Uni and trying to run a bunch of errands - naturally nothing really worked out, so I ended up doing some things that I hadn't planned for today, but instead didn't get some things done that I really should have done tonight! Oh, did I mention how confusing everything is?!?!?

I do think I have found a pretty good way of dealing with the whole mess though! I'm not sure I can stick with it when Christmas is coming (me NOT like Christmas), or when exams and seminars and papers and other horrible stuff are more real - but for now it seems to work. I'm constantly trying to tell myself to "simply" (it's not that simple though!) "give it my all and hope for the best." That is simplifying things, I know, but the basic idea isn't that bad! If I can do everything I can in order to work things out; study as much as I possible can, try to work out issues or make plans or run errands or whatever - as best as I can, then I can at least in some way be satisfied with that!
I'm not sure wether things will work out just because of that, because my experience has often been the oposite actually - work yourself into a pulp and everything exploads in your face - but even if that should happen, I can at least be satisfied with the fact that I did everything in my power for things to work out!
In this lies also the idea of not assuming things in advance - wether they are good or bad! I don't know wether I will pass the two courses I have left (to take a very real and actual dilemma right now), even if I study 24/7 I might not pass - but if I don't I'm going to have to deal with that when it happens. I can't sit now, when it's weeks (almost months) left before the exams and start frantically worrying about what will happen if I don't pass. Instead I should try to use that energy to something creative - namely studies!!! Even if there will be Hell to pay if I don't pass my courses (or even one of them) - on many different levels - I'm going to have to deal with that then! For now, all I can do is give everything I have, and hopefully a bit more, in trying to actually get it to work!

Wow, a long and serious discussion, I really didn't think I had it in me after this long and tiresome day!
Finishing off with something a bit more pleasant though - three pictures from the dinner Saturday night! :) (thanks, Sara!!!)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Very confusing, as I'm combining a lot of different books right now
Currently watching: ER
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: Shopping, lectures, errands, studies

Sunday, 25 November 2007

A Well-Earned Rest!

Yes, I have actually had a well-earned rest - and some pretty useful 'thinking-time' - so even though I haven't been studying much, I still think I have used the time fairly wisely!

I studied like crazy last night, until it was time to get ready and go to Sara!! It was so wonderful to see her again - it was ages since we spent time together! I had head that Johanna maybe could come, and I was happy to find her working hard in the kitchen when I arrived! :)
We had a really lovely time, with delicious food - a real three-course meal! Pure luxury!! Unfortunately, Johanna had to leave after dinner as she had plans for this morning - but Sara and I sat talking until after 11!!
I had such a good time, and after the way things have been lately, I think I really needed that now!! These are people I'm so comfortable together with - for the first time since ... well, for the first time in a very long time!! I can really be myself with them, we laugh at the same jokes, we understand each other, and even though we don't have always agree on everything (duh!), there is a real mutual respect for everyone's individual - and for someone with the problems I've had, that means sooooo much!!
The bus home was rather late, so I wasn't home until about 1 a.m. - so it was a very slack morning today! I think yesterday evening set off a whole lot of thoughts as well, so even though I'm behind in my studies, I have felt obligated to take a lot of time to sort through all my thougths and emotion today!
And I think it did me some good! I was rather panicked today, about what the future will hold - but after having thought and written a lot about it today, I feel better equipped to be able to deal with it!! So maybe today wasn't a waste anyway ...

What has put a damper on my mood a bit today was that I had to go in a start a case process on Paypal agaist the stupid idiot eBay seller, that refused to give me my Stargate DVD box! The process has just begun and I don't know what will happen - but from what I could tell, I might be able to get at least some money back! I'm not sure, because the Paypal Rules & Regulations are complicated to say the least - but at least according to what I read in one place, there might be a possible refund! But I will still loose US$50 (about 320SEK) ... so I can't say that I'm totally happy! And that will only happen if Paypal should judge in my favor (and there are possible even more conditions to fulfill for me to get any money, so I can't be sure that I'll get any ....).

Ah well - I guess I'd better get back to start preparing me for tomorrow and the coming week!
I should have added some photos from last night, but naturally my camera decided to die on me! Sara took a few picturs, so I've asked her to email them, and I'll add them when I get them!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: A great big mix ...
Currently watching: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Currently listening to: Come to My Garden (Reprise), Secret Garden
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, lectures, bank errands, deal with Uni secretary

Friday, 23 November 2007

Studies, Studies, Studies!

Today has been a studying day - unfortunately, I'm completely exhausted, and it feels like I'm not getting anything done! I'm really trying hard to be focused and concentrated and effective, but it still feels like it doesn't amount to anything, like I haven't done anything at all when the day is over! *sigh*

I guess I'm not in a bad mood, but it feels kind of hopeless when you feel you really try as hard as you can, and you don't get anything for your trouble! I know I'm probably in over my head right now, and I'm not sure how this semester will end, what will become of the courses I'm supposed to take, but I don't want to give up on it - I still want to try to make it work ... but at the rate it's been going today, it feels like I'll be taking these very same courses in five years time ...

Not much else to write about, as I've been burried in books and notes all day!
Looking forward to tomorrow night now, when I'll get a study break, I'm going over to Sara for dinner! *yay* Haven't seen her in ages (not couting like 3 minutes at Uni the other day), so I'm really looking forward to that! Also hoping I can get up fairly early and feel I have at least gotten something done before I have to leave.

Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Great big mix ...
Currently watching: Predikanten (after a book by Camilla Läckberg)
Currently listening to: --
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, dinner with Sara

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Good Or Bad Or What?!?!?

I'm thinking of renaming my blog ... "My Life - The Confusing Mess"!
Well, maybe it's not that bad - but it certainly feels like that right now!
I had a 'big' thing to do this morning (regarding one of the 'issues'), and while I know it really shouldn't have been that big, for some reason, I just felt pure terrible!! I don't think I've had anxiety levels like this in years - it wasn't even as bad as this when I had my oral exam, or when I had all my oral presentations last fall ... not even close!
I haven't been able to figure out why it turned out like that - because it really wasn't that big a deal - but I felt soooo awful!!
I managed to do what it was I was supposed to do - with a "satisfying result", practically speaking (emotionally it was about as far from satisfying as you can get!!), and it resolved one issue! Unfortunately - again! - it created a number of other issues!!!
I'm SO tired of this!!

I really tried to "recover" after this experience, by active writing in my diary, but I really felt horrible, I was completely out of it, and it resulted in me missing today's lecture - NOT good!! During this course it is very important to attend lectures, and while me and Johanna are "trading notes", I still feel terrible about not going!
I honestly don't think I could have coped with lectures, but that doesn't stop me from feeling depressed and sad about the way this day turned out!

I'm hoping for a good night's sleep now, so I can start dealing with everything in the morning - studies, issues and everything else that is complicated in my life right now ...
So what do you think? Should I change the name of the blog?!
(*lol* Probably won't do that, although it feels kinda tempting right now)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Teologiska Reflexioner II: Gudstro, Werner Jeanrond
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 3
Currently listening to: --
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES!

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

300th Post!

Wow, 300 posts on this blog! Not bad, huh?!

Had an intense day today, lectures - intense at usual - then a quick trip to a mall where I stressed like an idiot to get everything done as soon as possible, so I could take the early bus home and not have to wait for another hour. Still didn't get home until six though! *yawn*

My issues at Uni are getting complicated. One sort of solved itself today, but in doing so, it created a few other issues (yes, I know it's very confusing - I'm trying to live through it!!) - so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be happy about that or not!
The other big issue might get solved tomorrow - but unfortunately that's all up to me, and I'm not sure if I can cope, so that's certainly something that occupies my mind at the moment!

Right now I don't really feel comfortable in discussing these issues further, but hang in there - one of these days I just might feel the need to spill my guts and let you in on the whole thing *lol*!

Now I'm going to try to prepare myself for tomorrow and then head off to bed. I'm constantly exahusted these days and I have sooooo much to do that I'm also constantly stressing - which makes me even more exhausted!! Way to go, right?! :)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Teologins historia, en dogmhistorisk översikt, Bengt Hägglund
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1 (season 10)
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: 'project', studying at the library, lectures, more studying and oh, did I mention... studies?!?!?

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Veeery Tired!

I can't seem to get any energy whatsoever these days unfortunately ... I should need all the energy I can get, but instead it's quite the oposite!!
I know it's a 'dark season' (although I actually happen to like it!!) and I know I have so much to do, but I'm still annoyed and frustrated at being so tired all the time!

Still having some 'issues' at Uni ... I'm kind of, sort of, maybe hoping to resolve one of them in a few days, but I'm not sure if that will work out at all! The other one is completely out of my hands, so I guess I'm stuck with that one ... *sigh*

Also, nothing happening with my eBay thingy! Have sent another email to the seller, but even though I seriously doubt he will reply, I must at least give him the chance to do so, before pressing the Alarm Button! I have decided to give him until Friday, so on Saturday (if no miracle happens and he actually does reply!!) I guess I'll have to take the time to figure out what to do next.

Otherwise, nothing exciting to report here! Most of my thoughts and actions these days revolve around Uni and studies, so there's not much else to write about now ...

Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Teologiska reflexioner II: Gudstro, Werner Jeanrond
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 2
Currently listening to: --
My Plans for tomorrow: Lectures at Uni, studying, trip to the mall

Monday, 19 November 2007

Can I Turn It Around??

My bad mood was with me this morning when I woke up, which didn't feel great! Apart from the fact that it's never great to be in a bad mood (duh!), I really felt this could have implications on the day and the week, because I know I tend to be apathic or not handle things great when I feel like that, and I really need to get things working in my life now!
But I did manage to turn it around! I don't know how, really, but after water, a large mug of coffee, and episode of Stargate SG-1 and a lot of writing in my diary, I did feel a lot better!! I'm still upset about this whole eBay thing of course, and things at Uni aren't exactly wonderful either, but at least I felt like I could cope with this day!

And I coped!! I have actually been in a better mood than I had anticipated tonight, even though I didn't get home until about 6 p.m. (I met my mentor, Rebecka, after lectures). There were however a few incidents today that were less good (one was very, very less good ... and yes, I know that wasn't the best English sentence I've accomplished in my life *lol* - "To read makes our speaking English good" - Xander in Buffy the Vampire Slayer) - and I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing with those things.
There are two things at Uni that really bother me now, I don't want to go into details here, sorry, but I'm having a hard time coping with them now ... one is beyond my capacity to do anything about, but I still feel bad about it, and it feels terrible that I know there's nothing I can do to feel better about it - and the other thing is completely up to me to take action in, but there the problem is that I don't know if I feel I CAN take action ....
As I'm sure you've figured out by now: it's a great, big mess!
I guess it will work out one way or another, but it does not feel good. I feel like I have enough "problems" at Uni just trying to pass my courses, since things are so intense right now - and adding these two problem areas does NOT help ....

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Teologiska Reflexioner II: Gudstro, Werner Jeanrond
Currently watching: 2½ Men
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: Studying, lectures at Uni

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Stupid eBay!!

Well, I guess it's not eBay that's stupid, but rather a seller I've encountered!
I bought the entire Stargate SG-1 boxset (seasons 1-10) a while back, but it hasn't arrived yet! I decided to send an email to the seller (I've sent one before but not gotten a reply), since it's been a month since I bought it! That in itself didn't pose any problems, but when I started checking around, I got more and more worried ...
Turns out the seller is no longer a registered seller at eBay, for some strange reason is the auction itself "removed" (I mean, I know I've bought the item, and it hasn't been 60 days yet, but it's not on eBay anywhere!), and the last feedback this seller got was from a buyer who bought the same boxset as me - and reported he'd not gotten the set, nor gotten any reply to either emails or phonecalls!
Terrific! NOOOOOT!!!!!
I payed over $200 for it, which is an awful lot of money and I don't have the time or the energy for this right now! I checked out paypal, and aparently they have some 'resolution center' where you're supposed to comunicate with the seller and reach a conclusion, and if that doesn't work, paypal will step in and act as "judge and jury" ... guess that's where this whole mess will end up eventually ... not to mention the fact that it's Christmas fairly soon, when I don't have any access to the internet or my email accounts - wonderful to be in this situation if I can't even check out what's happening!!
On top of that I had to leave my first negative feedback on Tradera - someone who bought two auctions from me and never payed, thanks a lot! - and I feel very strongly about leaving negative feedback at all ...

I think I have enough on my plate at the moment without having to deal with these things as well.
Unfortunately this whole mess with eBay completely destroyed my day!! I should have been 100% focused on my studies, yeah right!!! Not a chance of that, that's for sure!! I've really tried to sit down and study but there's not a hope in hell of getting anything done whatsoever!!

I'm glad that I was greatful for my 'good moods', because they certainly haven't shown themselves today, that's for sure ... I feel really down and low and angry and upset and sad and frustrated right now, and when I'm like this, I don't get anything done ... and since I'm not getting anything done, I realize I will be in even more trouble at Uni, which makes me even more down and low and angry and upset and sad and frustrated!

LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

(Sorry, I really shouldn't be blogging when I'm in this mood)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: --
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 2
Currently listening to: Walk Through the Fire - Once More with Feeling, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
My Plans for tomorrow: Lectures at Uni, hopefully studying

Saturday, 17 November 2007

A Nice Visit!

I was up pretty early today, and managed to get quite a bit done in the morning - finished off some cleaning, spent time with Zorro and studied! :)

At about noon I met Kajsa at the railway station, it was great seeing her again! I really hope we don't loose touch again!
We went home for some lunch - which was a bit interrupted by Zorro wanting maximum attention! He's not that used to me having people over, so sometimes I feels the need to point out that of course he is the center of the universe! *lol*
After lunch, Kajsa and I went for a little walk, we've had really warm weather although very cloudy, so it was quite nice outside. By the seaside we saw this woman feeding the birds - we went over there and there were a lot of birds and swans, really beautiful! My camera isn't really great now, but I managed to get a few photos anyway ....

We continued our little walk, but I didn't get anymore pictures. When we got home it was time for a coffee, before Kajsa went home!

I did some shopping before I went home from the railway station, and I have managed to get a little studying done tonight as well, although I'm pretty tired!
I really need to be 100% effective tomorrow, but I really don't have anything else I have to do (except catching up on my blogs, I have soooo missed updating them lately ... but that won't take too long!), so I'm hoping to get quite a lot done!

Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Tyskungen, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 2
Currently listening to: --
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES!

Friday, 16 November 2007

Definately On The Right Track!

It seems my little set-back - mood-wise - from the middle of the week, is definately gone now! I'm feeling a lot better, and I do get more done, even though there's always room for improvement!
I'm truly greatful for every hour I get, when I feel like this, and it feels good that I don't take it for granted. Naturally I feel I could make even more use of a 'good' mood, being more productive and efficient in studies and other stuff that goes on, but at least I'm working on it now, instead of being completely apathic!!

I didn't get a lot done this morning, just some minor things, and at lunch I met my mentor Rebecka! We went to this really big 'central' Uni library (not the one located on our Department, but a much bigger one!!), I have only been there once before and had no idea how it worked ... but now I know! :) I also managed to get a book for one of the courses that I'm taking, which has been more or less impossible to get, so that felt really good! After that we mostly sat and talked - and I'm not going to have Rebecka as a mentor next semester, so I'm trying to make good on every moment now! :) I'm really going to miss her, but I hope we'll be able to get together every now and again in the future as well!

When I got home I did some massive grocery shopping and I have managed to clean almost my entire apartment tonight!
Kajsa is coming over tomorrow, she hasn't been here since I moved (almost) so it's gonna be really great!! Also looking forward to a pleasant study-break! :)

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Tyskungen, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Predikanten (after a book by Camilla Läckberg)
Currently listening to: I'm Under Your Spell, Once More With Feeling - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
My Plans for tomorrow: finish cleaning, studying, hanging out with Kajsa

Thursday, 15 November 2007

What A Difference!

Today has been sooo much better than the last few days! Still don't have much of an explanation, but I'm definately not complaining when it is like this!
I 'overslept' a bit this morning, so I didn't get much done before it was time to head off to lectures, but the trains were on time for once, so I did have time to run some errands before lectures started. They were as straining as usual - although I found it a bit difficult to comprehend today! Usuaully our teacher is very clear and good at explaining, but I didn't quite 'get it' today - Johanna told me it had been the same yesterday ... *weird*
Ah well, when we were fininshed, I did some shopping before going home - completely exhausted.
This kind of bothers me, because I don't know why I get so tired! Going away for lectures for 2 hours (I'm away from home for about 4 hours, give and take) should not make me completely exhausted!! In the beginning after my sickleave I blamed it on not being used to being active at all, high anxiety levels etc - but I can't go the rest of my life finding excuses like that! I've been studying full time for 1½ years now - I should be able to cope!! *sigh*

I got a pleasant surprise in the mail when I got home though!!
A letter from a bookstore company (Akademibokhandeln) regarding an online competition I took part in a while back. It was about litterature awards in Sweden, and I took it mostly for fun and never thought anymore of it! It turns out that I (little me!!) was one of 10 winners of the competition - I won 250 SEK!!!!!!!!! (about US$40) I never ever win anything!!!!
So cool!
Haven't quite decided what to buy yet though! *lol*

Nothing much has happened tonight, but I really need to start working on my effort of being more constructive and effective, if I'm going to work everything out in my life .... Hopefully, I can get a bit more practical stuff done tomorrow!! *wish me luck*

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Tyskungen, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: The X-Files, season 1
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: Meeting my mentor, studies, cleaning

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Trying To Recover!

Baaad day today! I've spent most of it in a migraine attack ... not good!
I'm a bit better now, so I'm hoping to be 'fit-for-fight' again tomorrow! I also really hope that these last couple of days haven't destroyed the good mood I was in, and that this is only a temporary set back!
I'm not feeling great right now, but I guess that's hardly surprising! After all, I've been in pain for over 12 hours, what can you expect?! But I really don't have the time for this now, and that makes me frustrated and stresses me a lot! If I had the energy to stay alert and actually do things 24 hours a day until Christmas, I might start to feel good about myself - but that's hardly a reality ... so "wasting" an entire day like this, undoubtedly makes me feel pretty bad! I know there's nothing I can do about it, when I'm having a migrane attack I'm completely confined to my bed, I can hardly make it to the bathroom, but despite that - Uni won't take that into consideration!! I still have to finish my courses, attend my lectures and take my exams ... *sigh*

I'm really not in the mood, and I'm still feeling the after effects of the migraine, so I guess I should try to get to bed now!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Olycksfågeln, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: The X-Files (season 1)
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, lectures

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

I Don't Understand!

I haven't had a quite so good day today ... and what's frustrating about it is that I don't know why! I've experienced feelings and emotions from long ago, and I have no idea where they're coming from! This annoys me a great deal, because I am usually very good at determining what is the problem, what the core and cause it, and therefore I have a chance at resolving it ... but not today!

I did get a bit of studying done this morning, though not very much. I had slept very poorly, Zorro kept me up all night for some reason *sigh*, so I was totally exhausted. I went in to town for lectures, and I felt really, really bad!! I had high anxiety levels and feelings from years back - and I don't know where they came from!
I was really freaked out just by being at the Department, and I have really felt okay with being there for over a year now!! I had this sense of total alienation, like I didn't belong there at all (which were the exact feelings I experienced before, and right after my sickleave)! It was really hard - my life is intense enough as it is right now, without having to deal with these kinds of issues - I thought I already had dealt with them!!

With this, and being sooo tired, and the fact that the lectures on this course are VERY intense, I've been feeling kind of low and sad all afternoon today! I'm not completely down, and I don't really feel the apathy from earlier, nor the almost 'resignation' of my entire life I felt then, so I'm hoping this will pass and I will feel better in the morning!

I do have a hard time dealing with the fact that I can't figure out why I felt this way today! I don't really believe it was all a result of how tired I was - because I have been tired before without freaking out like this! I know there's no use brooding about it, but I have a hard time letting go!
I hope tomorrow will be better!!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Olycksfågeln, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: The X-Files (season 1)
Currently listening to: --
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, lectures

Monday, 12 November 2007

Oh What An Active Day!

Wow! I can't believe what an active day I've had! True enough, I'm completely exhausted now, but it still feels good to have gotten quite a few things done ... despite not everything working out exactly as planned!

This morning I started catching up on my course, as fell behind last week studying for my oral exam. I had gotten notes from Johanna (*thank you - thank you*) through email, but since I learn a lot from writing, I decided to take them down by hand as well ... it took almost two hours (!), but I think it was really worth it, because I felt I really understood what it said and meant!
Going into town for lectures at 1 p.m. - and the train was late again!!! I don't know what's going on now, but the trains are always late! I think I'm gonna have to take an earlier train just to be certain in getting there in time - but if that should be in time, I'll be at Uni almost an hour before lectures start ... not that much fun! *sigh* How hard can it be to follow a timetable?!!? *annoyed* I just made it to lectures, luckily enough! It was quite interesting, but I have a tendancy to take a lot of notes - today I wrote more than 7 pages!
As soon as lectures were over, I rushed down to the bookstore to check out the book we're having now (haven't even given that a thought before *oops*), only to find that it cost almost 100 SEK more in the store than online - so I ordered it online tonight instead!
Then I caught a bus to a nearby mall, where I managed to get some presents for my younger sisters on sale ... always nice! :)

But I didn't get home until 6 p.m. - completely exhausted ... but Zorro was totally happy of course!! I think he'd really missed me!
Since I got home I have managed to get some stuff done online, pay a 'special' bill and copy some more notes (about 2 pages so far). I'm really tired now, so I'm going to go to bed early tonight!

What most of all surprises me, is my mood! Ever since Zorro had his little 'throwing-up-incident' (see blog entry for 28 October) I have actually been in a "good" mood (at least for me)!! No more apathy or melancholy - sure I'm stressed out, nervous, anxious, panicked ... but that's not the same thing! I actually feel okay about things, and now after Friday, I feel good! Things are tough - trying to work out my studies will not be easy, that's for sure! - and I'm constantly tired, but I still feel good and I still do things! Amazing!!
Now I know only to well I should not take any of this for granted, because God knows it can change at any minute - but because of that, I really am very greatful for every day and every hour I get to feel like this!!

Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Stenhuggaren, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1 (season 10)
Currently listening to: Nothing to do, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen (yeah right *rolling eyes*)
My Plans for tomorrow: Heavy studying, lectures!

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Mixed Feelings!

Mixed feelings about my life right now!
I'm first and foremost sooo happy about my exam!! I still can't quite believe that I did so well! This was my first oral exam ever, and just knowing that I handled that feels good in itself, and doing it with a high grade - amazing! Also, it was really unexpected - because I was honestly trying to figure out what I was going to do if I failed ... so that feels really wonderful!
Also, today has been a good day - I set out a plan this morning and I have followed it almost to the letter!! The only thing I didn't get done was vacuum my apartment, but apart from that I feel quite happy with my day!
That's the good side of life .... moving on to the bad side!

It feels like my next course starts tomorrow, even though it's been going on for a week, but I guess that's because I had to focus so much on my exam last week! Which means I've now a bit behind on this new course ... even though I guess there's no panic, I'm still worried about it, I can't help that! Our teacher is somewhat 'strict' and it certainly doesn't feel great having fallen behind when it's only gone a week! Guess I'll have to work at catching up, right?!
Which normally wouldn't be that much of a problem ... but now I have another really difficult course (Old Testament with Hebrew)that I need to study for at the same time! I would very much like to get it done before Christmas, so I can use the holidays to proper catch up with 'Kristen Troslära' (the course that started last week), and prepare for that! Since it seems we will have an oral exam on the entire course (which is twice as 'big' as the one I had now!), I definately know I'll have to study like crazy for it!
On top all that, it appears we will have group discussions/seminars on two books this course - and we have to hand in a paper on one of them as well - so I can't just focuse on the Old Testament-course now either!
It's such a mess!!

I know it's a bit early to tell wether it will work out or not, and I know that the only thing I should do is try really hard to get a working study routine, where I get at least 8 hours of work in a day (and try to mix the two courses as best I can) for a while, and see what happens ... but it's really hard not to worry in advance when it's all so messy!
I know I can't blame anyone else for things turning out like this - but I don't want to make this about blame either, what's the point of that?! Things are the way they are now, it doesn't matter if it's somebody's fault or not!!

Ah well, I guess I should start to mentally prepare myself for a life that consists of studies, studies, studies, possibly some sleep, studies, studies, maybe eating once in a while, studies and studies! *lol*
Anyway, if I can create a working routine for myself, I'll hopefully find the time to do something else at times - I'd really like to meet my friends, keep up the work with my blogs etc ... but it will definately have to come in second now - at least until I've started to sort this mess out!

Finishing off with a little reminder about my poll (check the column to the right) about labels. I see that some of you have voted - thanks - but I also see that there are several visitors popping in here, and since it only takes a second to vote, I really hope you'll do it! :) The votes are entirely anonymous - even if you are logged into blogger - so you don't have to worry about me giving you a hard time about your vote! :)

Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Stenhuggaren, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Tru Calling (season 1)
Currently listening to: Life's a Show, Once More With Feeling - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
My Plans for tomorrow: Lectures at Uni, studies

Saturday, 10 November 2007

My Day In Photos (+ 5000 visistors!)!

First of all - I missed making a note of my 5000th visitor here, I believe it was on 8 November!! I'm very happy to see this many visitors and people interested in my life! :)

Today has been a very nice and very relaxing day! I guess I should have tried to get at least a few things done, but after the way things have been, I feel I was worth taking a day "off"! :) I have been taking a couple of walks with my camera today, so I thought I'd make this entry my "day in photos"! Enjoy!


The weather has really been inconsistant - we've had pretty warm now, and the roses are blooming (as you can see!). But aparently it actually did snow during the night, and the snow stayed for a while at least - the picture is taking about 1 p.m.!! Weird weather, that's for sure!

I continued down to the ocean, but since it was fairly cloudy, the sea looked rather dark and unfriendly! I really like the way the sky looks in the second picture though, it was like a rift in the clouds or something! Kinda cool!

Shadows and Light
I did some "experimenting" with shadows and light too, nothing advanced of course (as my camera is very simple!!), but it was nice catching the extreme difference between light and dark when the sun was about to appear from the clouds! It does look like it's taken late at night, but it is of course just because of the great difference in light! Also, loving the "reflections" in the water!!

My little walk ended up at the supermarket so I decided to do some shopping before I went home. I really felt I should have walked home as well, but the lazyness to control of me and I decided to take the bus home! And in retrospect, I think that was a good idea. I had hardly made it to the bus stop before a hail storm arrived!! *yikes* I've hardly ever seen it before, but since I moved to southern Sweden, I've experienced four or five of them ... it was very difficult to photograph this, but I think you should be able to at least get an idea of what it was like!

During the afternoon I spent some time in front of the computer, and when I got into the living room right before 4 p.m. the sky looked absolutely fantastic, like it was on fire!! I quickly realized this had potential and rushed down to the beach ... but I just can't grasp how very qucikly the sun sets these days! The first photo was taken on the way to the sea, and even if you can't really see it in the picture the sun had not disappeared yet ... and the second picture - where the sun has obviously disappeared somewhere west of Denmark! - was taken no more than five minutes later!! I can't believe it didn't take longer!!
But I am actually really happy with the first picture - I think it's really beautiful! :)

Well, this was 'my day in photos', I hope you enjoyed it! :)
(And comments are always appreciated! *lol*)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Stenhuggaren, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1 (season 1)
Currently listening to: I'll Never Tell - Once More With Feeling, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
My Plans for tomorrow: Cleaning, getting started on studies again

Friday, 9 November 2007

Where Am I Going To Start?!

Oh my God, I have had such a day today, I don't even know where to start!! Guess the beginning would be a good place, right?! *lol*

Okay, today was the day for my big oral exam!! (Which is why I haven't written much here the last few days) I was really nervous, for so many reasons!! One thing was that I felt I was more or less completely unprepared! I've been studying every waking minute these last days, but it's still four books, totally about 1000 pages - not something you "learn" and know in a hurry! I was also very nervous about it being an oral exam! I had handed in a paper as well, but it was evident we would also have an oral exam and discussion ... and for someone suffering from Social Phobia that is not something you can just shrug off. I know I've come a very long way and I'm doing very much now that I wouldn't have a few years ago - but I don't think you are ever "cured" from something like Social Phobia, you just find ways and methods to be able to function in society despite you problems. The third thing that made me really nervous was the consequences of this exam - because if I'd fail, I would actually have to take three full-time courses at the same time ... and a failing grade didn't seem very unlikely!

I more or less "overslept" this morning, and I didn't get up until it was 5.30 this morning. I cannot function without a proper session writing in my private diary so I didn't get started on my last minute studies until about an hour later ... I studied until I was about to go, right before nine (the exam was at 10.15. When I got to the railway station there was an announcement that the train was late due to technical difficulties!! Thanks a lot! I tried to study as best I could, but the train didn't come!! Eventually I had to take the next train, which meant I was in such a hurry!!! I arrived about 10.17 - and the good thing about this was that I didn't have to spend a lot of time at Uni getting nervous!

We went straight to it, and while I was really nervous, I don't think I was as "out of it" as I had feared. It was partly a discussion and partly an examination, in that my tutor both asked direct questions and also interacted and gave his own opinion at times. Lucky for me, we didn't talk much about the book I felt I knew least about ....
After about 20-25 minutes, my tutor asked if I had some last remarks to make, and when I didn't, he said he'd give me a "certificate" that I'd passed ... and I was just stunned that I HAD actually passed!! I got it, and said goodbye - and when I got outside his office and looked at it, it said I had gotten the HIGH GRADE!!!!!!!!!! I had VG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hardly could believe my eyes, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for a failing grade - and instead I got VG!!!! *gasp*

I'm really really really happy about this - I haven't managed to get much else done today due to a serious headache - comes from all the worry and stress of course - but despite that, I'm REALLY happy with my day!

I'm very tired, but I wanted to give you a quick update! I will probably be back and discuss this further when I'm not so tired .... I totally need some sleep now! :)

At last, some graphics:

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Stenhuggaren, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Isprinsessan, after book by Camilla Läckberg
Currently listening to: Life's A Show - Once More With Feeling (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
My Plans for tomorrow: Run errands, CLEANING, relaxing

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

I Am In Big Big Big Trouble!

Oh yeah, my life is a total mess at the moment!!
I'm sooooo far behind on courses I should have already finished, and yesterday we started a new course, which will be more than terrible! Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a bit - mostly because I'm completely stressed out over about a million things ... but fact of the matter is: my life will not be fun for the next ... oh, I don't know - six months?!?!
I'm currently studying 24/7 for a course - I'm having an oral exam on Friday, and I have to hand in a paper on it before that! I will not go into detail on how far behind I am, because that will probably give you all a heartattack (which would be a shame), but needless to say, I'm lucky if I get a total of 2 hours sleep before Friday!!
After that I have another course (Old Testament with Hebrew), which I more or less should have finished already, and I've hardly even started yet!! Since I managed to screw up last semester as well, I'm seriously lacking a lot of things I should know for this course, meaning it will be a LOT of work to make it done! For that, there is also an oral exam - and I'm hoping I can finish it before Christmas, but I'm not really sure!
And then there's the couse I started yesterday .... (I tried to find the English title of the course on the Department Website, but it seems impossible to find - for those of you who read Swedish it's called "Kristen Troslära" - it's basically a course in systematic theology). First and foremost, i didn't really want to take this course, I had applied for a course in Bible-studies instead, but since I had to change Education systems to this new 'Bologna-system' and everything was a mess, it turned out I had to change and take this one instead. The subject is interesting, I guess, but not something I really want to learn that much about - it seems we're going to have to work our asses off on this course and I felt like somebody dropped a ton of bricks on me when our teacher calmly states that after ten weeks of intense studies we will have separate oral exams on the entire course!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like breaking down and crying my eyes out - actually it was a miracle I didn't just run away from the classroom!!!
On top of that there are - more or less - mandatory lectures 3-4 times a day as well as a written report and two group discussions ....

So this is what I'm trying to cope with now - on top of my Old Testament Studies, and an oral exam on Friday!
I hope you understand I'm frantically trying to panic completely - or leave the country on the first flight out of here!

I was completely down yesterday, this really hit me hard, but I have managed to calm down a bit today! I know there's nothing I can do except try to study at least 10 hours every single day until mid-January - and hopefully not everything will turn out to be a disaster ...
Still, you can't be sure of anything, right!? I mean, I have my first oral exam on Friday - what happens if I don't pass it?!? I'm going to take three full time courses at the same time then?!!? Terrific!!!

Sorry, I know all I can do is work as hard as I can and hope for the best, but at this point, it is hard not to be worried SICK, that's for sure!!!

I'm hoping to be able to keep all my blogs, even if they won't be updated very often! I also hope I can reach a decision about my websites - I started trying to decide what to do with them and how a while ago, but I never really finished ... Since I'm going to be this busy (and from January to the end of March next year, I will probably also take two full-time courses at the same time - long story, I'm gonna have to tell you about that some other time), I would at least like to have come a decision about what to do with my online projects!

Well, this turned into a long entry - but at least you all know what I'm dealing with right now! :) I'm gonna go back to my studies now: The Elementary Forms of Religious Life by Emile Durkheim, if anybody's interested! *lol*

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Predikanten, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1 (season 10)
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!?

Monday, 5 November 2007

Sunday, 4 November 2007

What A Great Day!

I do feel a little bad about not having studied so much today, but I've been having such a great day - I guess I can make up for the lack of studies tomorrow! :)

I met Kajsa this morning in Malmö, and it was really great to see her again! We couldn't quite figure out how long it's been since we saw each other, but it's been a very long time! We do get along great and it was fun to catch up again! We went to 'Västra Hamnen' where we had coffee and sad by the ocean (see picture!) and just talked - wonderful! The weather couldn't have been better either, very sunny and actually quite warm in the sun!
Afterwards we went to Kajsa's apartment (unfortunately her boyfriend wasn't there, so I didn't get to meet him, but I guess there'll be other times!), had a yummy lunch and talked more ... She also gave me some help and advice regarding cameras! Fact of the matter is I'm turning the big 3-o in January and I really want a new, more advanced camera - but I don't know what to look for at all (my parents have pretty much agreed to give it to me - unless it gets way to expensive, but they want me to figure out and decide what I want), and Kajsa is really into photography, so she gave me a lot of great advice! We checked out some cameras online, and I think it'd be amazing if I could actually get one that advanced! I'm an amateur photographer, but I think it's so much fun to do, and with a better camera I will hopefully improve my skills as well.
Time flew by, as it does when you have fun, and I wasn't home until 4.30!! I really should have tried to catch the sunset today because the weather was perfect for it - but I arrived home just too late, so I didn't bother going today ... guess my project of catching an actual sunset is still on! :)

Kajsa at 'Västra Hamnen' (hope you don't mind, Kajsa? In that case, let me know and I'll remove the pic!)

Finally got to see the amazing Malmö-building 'Turning Torso' ... soo cool!!

I have tried to get some studying done tonight, but I've been really tired ... Tomorrow we have the introduction on the next course - and thanks to certain circumstances, I will now have to deal with taking two full-time courses at the same time, at least until Christmas, maybe a while after Christmas as well! Can't say I'm looking forward to it one little bit, but since things are the way they are now, I'll just have to try to cope and deal with it as best I can!

By the way, I want to apologize for not updating my other blogs lately! Things are just completly insane right now, and I can't find the time for it! I haven't forgotten them though, so I'm hoping to be able to update them fairly soon ...

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Isprinsessan, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Beskyddarna (Roland Hassel, after a book by Olov Svedelid)
Currently listening to: Too Much To Do - Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES, new course introduction

Saturday, 3 November 2007

Lovely Colors!!

I can't believe it's still such wonderful colors outside - isn't it supposed to be winter now?! Not that I mind ... I took this photo when I was out today.
Not much has been going on today - I got a fair bit of laundry done this morning, as well as some studying. Unfortunately I've been suffering stomach cramps all afternoon, despite eating pills like a lunatic, and I haven't had the energy to do much at all.

I'm meeting my friend, Kajsa, tomorrow, and I'm totally looking forward to it! I haven't seen her in ages, it's at least a year - maybe more ... probably more!! We met up through a mutual interest in the Australian TV show The Flying Doctors, which we were both more or less addicted to! :) We also went to Holland twice to part-take in a sort of "fan-convention" - and - we went to Denmark and met up with one of the actors one time, when he was on a visit from Australia! (For those interested: it was Christopher Stollery who played Johnno Johnson on the show) Totally cool!
Despite the fact that we don't live far apart, Kajsa and I have sort of lost touch, so it's going to be great to see her again tomorrow!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Isprinsessan, Camilla Läckberg
Currently watching: Anmäld Försvunnen (Roland Hassel, after the book by Olov Svedelid)
Currently listening to: ---
My Plans for tomorrow: Meeting Kajsa, STUDIES!