Intense But Good!

Whoa, this semester sure has started off in an intense way, that's for sure!
Still, it's probably the best start of a semester I've had in a great long while, so I'm not complaining about the intensity! :)

Where do I start?
Monday morning was the introduction to the Bible Studies course where I am mentor, so I was going to give them a little information regarding the mentor activity and invite them to the first meeting. Obviously I have done this before (though on another course) and I do know what to say, but I'm still very nervous and anxious about these things, so I didn't sleep much and was up before dawn trying to prepare myself as best I could.

Everything worked smoothly, I had a moment to tell the teacher I wanted a few minutes and it was fine with her - but it was a large group, they were between 25 and 30 students ... On the Hebrew course they usually start out around 15 and end up being 10 ... sort of! :) But I have to say that I don't think my anxiety increased because it was a larger group, and I guess that is a good thing! I think it is the fact that I'm standing up in front of people with all attention directed at me that is the problem, not whether it's six or twelve or fifty people.

So anyway, a lot of information first, from the student counsellor, from the NT teacher and from the OT teacher - and then it was my turn! I think it went okay, pretty good ... I do know I tend to talk WAY to fast (because of the anxiety!), I find it very hard to slow down - and that's a bad thing ... but I think I got the information out that I needed, I got eye contact with a lot of the students etc. so it felt pretty good! :)
We had a bit more of a "usual lecture" toward the end and we were done around ten.

I was pretty exhausted afterwards and didn't quite know how to pass the time, but I ended up reading a few articles for my thesis and I think I at least understood some of it! Points for effort? :)

At 2 p.m. I was meeting with the professor, and it ended up being a pretty good meeting! I felt I knew a bit more about the subject than when I met him last, I had an idea on how to proceed and he approved it - so it was basically a question of detailing what needed to be done and what perspective to take on things. However ...
However, it turns out I'm going to have TONS to do now, I have to send him in a rough draft on September 25, and I have A LOT to do until then! And that does make me a bit nervous, I can't help that! Still, I enjoy doing it and I have the mentor activity to not get too caught up in stressing over my writing - and again, I REALLY have found my place, I love being around the Department and around the people there, so I just simply have to make sure I work as hard as I can during these weeks and hopefully I have accomplished something! :)

Tuesday was really NOT a good day, so I'm just going to not say anything about that - and instead move on to yesterday, Wednesday.

Basic plan was lectures 8-10, first mentor meeting 10-11 and sort of an introductory meeting for students taken (some) advanced level courses and/or writing advanced level essays at 1.
For various reasons (Tuesday was NOT a good day!) I had not been able to prepare much at all during Tuesday, so again I was up at the crack of dawn, trying to get a structure for the first mentor meeting. At first it felt impossible, but I finally managed to work something out, that I also hopefully will be able to use on other meetings, and I left for Uni around 7.
When I got there I was going to fix the coffee and stuff for the mentor meeting, and met another mentor there, who was doing the same thing! :)
She was almost done and when she left, the NT teacher showed up. I know who he is, we say Hello, but I haven't really talked to him, and since I'm going to be mentor on the NT-part as well, I thought this would be a good opportunity to break the ice. We started talking and really hit it off, which was great. He was very curious about how things had been during the first lecture, how I felt about the mentor activity on the course ... so we ended up talking for quite a while. Until I realized that it was 8.12 - and the lecture started at 8.15! Yikes!
I rushed up to the lecture and got there just in time - very interesting lecture, the teacher is fantastic! During the break I went back and got the coffee and things done, and the other half of the lecture was aimed more at getting the students talking and discussing, which I think is great!

We were done at 10 and I called out that we'd have the mentor meeting in the adjoining room. I went there with all my stuff and then went back to see if people would be coming or not! And they did! :) I think we ended up being 11 students, which felt like a pretty good turnout actually, even though I am used to smaller groups!
I gave some basic information and we spent the meeting basically just talking. They got to introduce themselves and we talked about the course and the lectures and the literature ... I have a lot of feelings about the meeting myself, but I don't think this is the place to air them actually.
Still, it felt like a good meeting, as an introduction, and I think and hope I will see these students on the other meetings as well.

I tried to read a bit for my thesis during my break, but it was really slow and I had a bit of a headache. I did manage to organize a mentor meeting schedule to go up on the notice board (which I should have done Monday *oops*), and then I met E, who joined me as mentor last year - she was going to the advanced level introduction-thingy too. We ended up talking and more and more students joined me, a lot of them people I haven't seen in a great long while, so it was really nice catching up with them again.

The introduction-thing was ... I don't know ... I think it's GOOD, really, they are organizing writing-support-groups for students, where you can discuss your writing, comment on texts etc., and they have just general meetings for advanced level students where they try to invite people to talk about different things and so on ... and I know that is really great, but I kind of feel out-of-it. I know a few of the students, sure, but since my studies have been made complicated for oh-so-many reasons, I don't feel like I belong in a group like this - I have taken the same courses they have, or in the same order, I am the only one writing in my subject, which is pretty small and specialized, so I'm not sure how many constructive comments I can get on it ...
I will try to attend, if nothing else to show my general interest in the Department, in a way, but I don't feel very enthusiastic about it ...

I was going to take a train home around 2.45 - only to find out there had been an electrical failure and all train traffic was stopped for a while. My usual trip home (on the train) is 15 minutes ... yesterday it took me 1½ hours ... yay! Not!

*phew*
I'm exhausted today, and I probably won't go to Uni, but I still need to get things done, so I'm hoping I can work on that during the day! :)

Oh yeah, I just have to say THANK YOU to all my visitors, we have hit 36,000 now, since September 20, 2006!!
I'm very happy we reached that since this blog will (almost) stop on September 20! :)
Thanks again!

Difficult Week

This week has been rather difficult for me ... there are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and trying to sort them out and at the same time get my "practical life" working, it's not just easy ...

I have been struggling and even though I can't say I have been doing really well, I think I have seen some minor improvements as the week went by, and I guess that is a good thing and something to keep working on.

I've been doing a lot of photo projects lately, ordering tons of photos, marked them and put in albums but also computer related photo projects like digital scrapbooking. It's a lot of fun and it helps me relax a bit, which I think I need at times! :)

I'm having a lot of thoughts on a future (quite large) internet project, I will think some more and hopefully get back with an entry on that later today!

Settling In Difficulties

As usual when I've been away for the summer (well, almost anyway) I find it difficult to get back into my life. I know it's like that every year but it still bothers me a lot - actually more now than before as I have some plans for the future and I would like to start putting things into action.

I apologize for the vagueness but I'm still not sure what will happen so I don't want to divulge too much, just in case I won't reach the goals I'm setting for myself. I will however get back to this in the future, IF things seem to be going in the right direction. :)

I'm hoping to get started with a more active part of my life tomorrow, which includes this and that - I'm hoping I'll be able to go Uni and get started on my master's thesis again. I probably have to email the professor in about two weeks and it would definitely be good to feel I have gotten a fair bit of work done before then.

There are also a number of things I want/need/shall do and fix now, that has been set aside over the summer, so hopefully I can discipline myself enough to really get it done!

I am also thinking about an internet project now, but I will get back to you on that later on. I think I'm going to need my friends and blog followers point of views and ideas for this, so stay tuned! :)

Difficult Times

I've been going through a few difficult days now, which is why I haven't been blogging. I'm trying to make a lot of changes in my life, and they are not easy to make. I'm learning some hard truths about myself, and that isn't always easy either. Therefore I am struggling a lot with myself and my attitude to a lot of things in my life now and that is taking a lot of energy.
I know this is the right thing to do right now, I am at a time and place in my life where I need to make these changes, and I also think I am mature enough and have come far enough to actually make them - but like I said earlier, they don't come easy, that's for sure.

I'm trying to maintain my normal life at the same time, meaning I am often very tired and bordering on exhausted, and I just hope I can see this through. I know that all of this will be put on pause when I go back to the summerhouse, because when I'm there and when I'm spending time with my families, I simply cannot work with myself the way I can when I'm at home. Therefore I'm also hoping to come as far as possible now, before going back there - but I still don't know when that will be.
My Dad and his family will come here for a few days first, sort of a mini-vacation, and then we'll all go back together, but they haven't decided on when they're going to come here yet - they have a lot on their plate and there's also the weather to consider - we can't be cooped up in my little apartment, all five of us, if it constantly rains ...

I'm hoping to be able to do a bit more of blogging before going back to the summerhouse, but a lot depends on how I'm feeling.

The Place To Be

I just have to say I am absolutely amazed by the fact that I have so totally and completely found my place in life!
I'm not saying everything is perfect and I'm living in a dream world, but considering where I've been and where I come from, it's almost unbelievable that I now find myself in the place where I am right now! I realize I have put a lot of work into my life over the last 5-8 years or so, but I still find it fantastic to see how far it's gotten me - which was something I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.

And no, nothing really special has happened today - I had an "unofficial meeting" (sort of) at Uni today and I guess that triggered this whole chain of thoughts ... because there's no place I'd rather be right now. I have been having some difficulties with certain things during the last few years, but overall, I can't believe the person I have become, and the response I'm getting from people around me, from people I care about and from people I admire.
I am trying hard right now to make a few changes in my life, and I really hope I'll be able to do that. Seeing now how great things really are, makes me even more motivated to actually change the things that aren't that great - and the fact is, most of those things are things that I CAN change! Sure, I'll have to apply myself and put a bit of effort into it, but I have a strong feeling it will be worth it many times over! :)

I am purposely being a bit vague in this entry, but I really don't feel comfortable being too specific about these things, as it also tends to involve other people ... but I still wanted to share this amazing feeling with you! :-)

Two Better Days ...

Thankfully the last two days have been better! :)

Even though I got a bit of a late start yesterday, I got to Lund and ordered some books at the library and then got some studying done. I was supposed to get some computer work done as well, which didn't really work out - but I ended up talking to a few really nice people and that's always nice! :)

Today hasn't been that productive, although I have gotten a few things done I have been meaning to do for a while. I have spent a lot of time thinking though, which I think is really good.
I sometimes need to really stop and think and find thinking patterns that will help me achieve what I want and need in my life - and I needed such a session today! So even though I do feel a little "guilty" about not doing more than I have, I still think I had a pretty good day.

Tomorrow will be a pretty busy day - I'll have to collect two books from the University Library, then spend some time at the Department and then I have a whole bunch of errands to run ... It will be quite a busy (long) weekend, so I have to prepare for that as best I can as well!

Two Difficult Days ...

I have been having two rather difficult days now - I'm really not in a great shape at the moment, and am mostly hoping for a better tomorrow now ...

Yesterday was mostly strange, and most of what I did felt weird and wrong and generally strange. What did work out was a meeting with Elisabet to write our mentor report! We have to summarize the work we have done during the semester, a little about statistics and how we have felt regarding the mentor meetings and such, and it felt good to get that done. Now all we need to do is print it out and sign it, and then hand that and a few other things in to our supervisor.

I had a really long day yesterday, and I wasn't home until after 7 p.m., completely exhausted and with a headache ... which I think mostly came from the feeling of not getting done what I had planned and hoped.

And then I made a mistake, actually without even knowing about it! I have recently found some blogs of really old friends or acquaintances ... Some people I knew when I was a kid and from school, and now some of them have gotten "family blogs". I read one of them yesterday and basically broke down completely. I had forgotten the fact that I'd heard they had gotten two cats a while back, Somalis, just like Zorro was. And now there were photos of one of the cats with their baby boy ... and it was Zorro!! I have always felt attracted to the Somali breed and I've seen pictures of LOTS and lots of Somali cats and none of them have even come close to looking a great deal like Zorro (even Zorro's brother, Zimba, didn't look like him that much) - but this was a copy! If you'd cropped the picture I couldn't for the life of me say that that wasn't Zorro!

I haven't had problems with seeing my own photos of Zorro since he passed away, but seeing this cat in a completely different context and somehow knowing it wasn't Zorro yet it looked JUST like him ... it just blew me away!

My headache almost turned into a migraine, and I didn't sleep at all ... maybe dozed a little ... and woke up with a really really severe headache that I haven't managed to get rid of all day! I have tried everything, and then some, but I'm still in pain ...:(
I was supposed to spend the entire day at Uni, as well as having lunch with Elisabet, but there was no way - I've basically spent the entire day in bed ...:(

There's not much I can do about it now, but it sure does mean that the rest of the day will be more complicated ... and now I'm mostly hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight AND that I won't be in this much pain tomorrow ... *fingers crossed*

Sunday Evening

Oh wow, another week has gone! Time sure flies these days ...

This week was mostly dominated by Old Testament seminars for me. I went to one B.A. Essay seminar Tuesday morning and went through 11 interpretation seminars on the OT course! :) The intensity of those days is immense, but at the same time very very rewarding! Still, I think everyone was tired when we were done on Thursday afternoon! :)

I have to say I felt really sad to see this OT group go (all they have left is a written exam on Tuesday). I have grown attached to all the groups when I've been mentor but for some reason I seem to have bonded a bit more with this group as a whole group ... I think it might because I have actually managed to be at every lecture and seminar this group has had on the second part (i.e. since March 28) ... cool! :) (Though my mentor supervisor will probably be upset as she keeps telling I'm not required to attend lectures so much as she's sure it will affect my own studies *lol*)
Since I've become such an integrated part of this group I think it becomes clearer that this semester is actually over now ... well, basically anyway! I still have a lot of work to do on my master's thesis, and I have a meeting scheduled with the professor on June 16, so I guess I can't say it's "summer holidays" just yet ....

I took Friday off, I was quite exhausted and felt I needed a day off. The weekend hasn't been great though. Yesterday was okay I guess, I managed to get a few things done that needed doing - but I didn't feel well in the evening, and by the time I got to bed, all my thoughts were with Zorro. I get this horrible grief attacks, still, where I basically can't do anything at all, I just feel like I'm going to break down completely!
I didn't get any sleep at all (I dozed in front of the TV for an hour or so), and the thoughts have stayed throughout the day, combined with a lot of other things that at the moment is feeling quite complicated. I have run into some problems with my thesis now, and I don't quite know how to sort that out - this week is really short since Thursday is a holiday and I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with everything ... And I have a few other things that I basically have to fit into this week as well.

What has been most difficult today though, has been Zorro. Once I get into these thoughts and emotions, I can't seem to let go! I try everything (at least everything I can think of), I try to really allow myself to think about him and deal with the grief, but I can't do that forever either, and all that happens is that I feel worse and worse - and then I try to do things, get things done, partly in order to break my thought pattern, but also because I really need things to be done - but I just keep seeing and hearing and feeling Zorro, and I get nothing done ...





I dread the night to come, considering last night and how I've been feeling all day today - and I know I simply have to have an active day tomorrow ...

One Week ... Really?

I can't believe all that's happened in just one week ... it feels like it would have been a month, at least. Still, most of it (almost all of it!) has been absolutely fantastic and totally outstanding, so I really feel I would like to go through the entire week here! :)
I'll give credit to those of you who are able to read through all of it, because I have a feeling this will be the longest blog entry I've ever made! LOL! :)

Sunday, May 15

This was a really difficult day for me! It was 6 months to the day since Zorro past away, and I still have difficulties dealing with that, especially during those days, when I tend to think of him more often and more intensely. I had a lot of things to deal with from the previous week as well, so I guess I didn't get anything productive done at all during Sunday, although I need times for thinking, reflecting and personal writing ...
Most things in my life are turning out fantastic now, but I can't help feeling I would have liked to share that with Zorro - because I know he could tell whether I was feeling good or bad. Lots of thoughts regarding Zorro, but I won't get into that now, I might save it for another entry later on.
Here are some old photos of Zorro I found when I was looking through my computer:




Monday

Monday was study day full stop!! I had to hand in a report to the OT professor "during Monday night" on my progress on the master's essay. Needless to say I stressed like an idiot the entire day and felt unprepared to the max.

In my defence, I did have a bit of materials to use, but naturally I hadn't started putting the report together ... and I started with that around lunch time! *oops* I realized I had to get some print-outs, and my printer at home is not really working, so I made the quite possible shortest visit to Uni ever! :) I arrived at the library at 12.50, grabbed a computer and got my print-outs, and was out of there again at 1.03! LOL!

I didn't do anything except wrote, wrote and wrote the entire day, and by about 10 p.m. I had almost 8 pages ... Let's just say I don't think I did a great job proof-reading the thing, but at least I sent it in!

Tuesday

Tuesday was an extremely intense day for me ...
We had lectures at 10 with the OT group, and they were having a seminary discussion on a book by W. Brueggemann (Unsettling God). I had really hoped to be able to read through it really quick before the seminar, but there was (obviously!) no chance of that!
I still got a bit out of the seminary discussion and it was quite interesting. I'm happy to see a course such as this, where there is a clear focus on the language, it's possible to do these kinds of things as well.
After the lecture I ended up in the library assisting some of the students with different things regarding the interpretation they were writing.

Once I got to sit down on my own, the anxiety about the SI-ceremony that afternoon hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't experienced that heavy anxiety in probably several years, and I was really feeling awful. Still, I knew there was no way out of this, and I had no choice but try to do the best I could with it. I was unsure of basically everything: I didn't know how the ceremony would be, I didn't know what would be expected of me (even though I had been assured I would not have to give a 'thank you speech' - which I was more than grateful for!!), and I wasn't even 100% sure of where the ceremony would take place (it was on another University Department, where I've only been a few times, a couple of years ago) ...
I ended up talking a little to my SI supervisor, as I was sitting just outside her room, and eventually we agreed we would walk to the ceremony together, and that helped my anxiety a lot! Just know I would go with someone I knew, wouldn't have to worry about finding the right place etc. helped me a great deal!

We met at 3 o'clock and walked together to the ceremony, and when we entered the auditorium my supervisor exchanged a few words with the man in charge of the whole thing, and she also introduced me. We took our seats and the ceremony started with a few introductory speeches, among those who came was Sven Strömqvist, who is Lund University's Assistant Vice-Chancellor!! After that we heard speeches relating SI (Supplemental Instruction) to not only Universities but also senior high school/college and also how you can use it when you go out to work in the world outside University - and we also heard a speech from two students who have worked within SI and had the opportunity to go to America to attend an SI conference.

After the speeches, it was time for the handing out of Diplomas, and first up were the Honorary Diplomas, which apparently was given to me and three other students. I had no idea how they wanted to do this, and when they said it would be done alphabetically I basically panicked - but I was so lucky, as there was one girl who came before me!! (Not often that happens.)
So anyway ...
We were called down in front of everyone, and got to listen to the nomination text that our supervisors had written when nominating us, and then we got our Diploma and a little present.
And I have to admit, I am proud of the fact that I went through with it, because this was a really big deal for me! The auditorium was in no way crowded, but there were enough people for me to feel really really anxious! But I did it! :)
It was a great relief to be able to get back to my seat and realize that most of it was over for my part, that's for sure.
After the Honorary Diplomas and been handed out, all the mentors who were quitting were given diplomas as well - but a lot of people who had said they'd come didn't show up, so things became a little bit awkward ...

There were snacks and drinks prepared afterwards, but first they wanted everyone who had gotten a diploma to gather near the entrance and we were photographed - and after that we were able to get snacks and talk to the others. Since I was completely shaky after the almost extreme tenseness I found it difficult to talk and be friendly, and I didn't stay long.
But it still felt amazing to have gone through with that day, that's for sure! :)

Wednesday

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the OT professor to discuss the report ... and since I emailed it so late on Monday night and my mind was somewhere else entirely on Tuesday I felt I needed to prepare for the meeting quite a lot. I went to Uni fairly early and printed my report and went over it, quite a number of times. I also met a lot of the OT students working on their interpretations and I also talked a little with my SI supervisor before heading up the professor on the third floor.

The talk we had went really well actually. We started talking "generally" when he suddenly interrupted our conversation, and realized he'd forgotten to congratulate me to the Honorary Diploma!! I didn't even know he knew, and SI feels a little bit like it's own "department" within the University, so I was quite surprised. He ended up giving me SO many lovely comments and compliments I was completely and utterly embarrassed!! I think the peak was when he told me how he had met Sven Strömqvist (the Assistant Vice-Chancellor who attended the SI-ceremony) at a conference earlier during Tuesday morning, and how proud he (the OT professor) had been to tell the Vice-Chancellor that one of his students was one of the recipients of the Honorary Diploma! *yikes!!*
I was (and am!!) SO flattered, but I really don't know what to do with myself when things like that come up, I have no idea what to say and I mostly feel really embarrassed!

We moved on to actually discussing my thesis as well, of course, and I think it was quite a rewarding chat. Most of the energy was done trying to decide what way I'm going to take right now, and that wasn't as easy as it sounds, actually. We had a good discussion, I felt I was able to step up a bit more than I have before, when I have mostly felt I've 'had to' just accept what he says as he knows so much more than me. This time I felt I could question what he said, and really get to the bottom of what was discussed, and that felt really good.
The outcome basically was to go into a few more scholars and their view on the objective I've set for my thesis - and also to get down to the Hebrew text and really start working on the relevant (some of them!) passages there ...

The meeting felt really good, from all kinds of angles, so I was in a really good mood when I was done - and I also met the teacher on the first part of the OT course, so we had a little chat, which was really nice! :)

Thursday

Thursday was actually sort of slow, as I didn't even have to get to Uni!! I did find out that my Mum would come for a short visit over the weekend, which was such a happy surprise!!! We have been talking about her coming here for a while, but it hasn't really been anything decided and she's been really busy and tired, and I've been really busy and tired. Now she found out that a co-worker and her husband was going to Helsingborg for the weekend, and my Mum could go with them, arriving on Friday night and leaving again Sunday afternoon!

I was really happy to hear that, and tried to get the apartment decent looking during Thursday (things like cleaning and such had been neglected earlier in the week, for obvious reasons!), but I was SO tired, I didn't get as much done as I had planned!

Friday

Friday was extremely intense!!!!
I was up at about 5 a.m. and started cleaning ... started doing laundry at 6 and was finished with everything in the apartment around 11. Took a shower and headed for Lund at 12, and had the final 'lecture' at 1. This was basically a summary discussion of the course, at first there was a general discussion and after that Elisabet and I had some SI evaluations to hand out, and the teacher would hand out the general evaluations as well.
We had a really good and constructive discussion regarding the course, the literature etc. when suddenly there was a knock on the door, and our SI-supervisor was there, asking if she could see me for a minute.
It felt a bit silly to just walk out (especially since the tables were arranged in a way that made me walk around the entire room to get out!), but when I got out it turned out that the evaluations we had been given to hand out to the students were 'out-of-date', new ones had just come, so I got them instead.
When I came back into the room, it was completely silent, which felt really strange. And suddenly, when I'm in front of the entire class, the teacher says: "Well, Jessica, now you have to tell us all about what it was like on the ceremony on Tuesday!"
And I more or less wished I could have fell through the floor ... I am genuinely and extremely grateful to have been given this, but I DO NOT like to stand in the centre of attention like that. I think I mostly stuttered something, I knew that some of the students knew I had been given it but not all of them ... and once I'd said something, probably completely incoherent, I got an applause from the entire class! *embarrassed again*

We handed out the evaluations and at 6 p.m. the teacher had a little party at her place for all the students, and the students on another OT course, as well as some other OT-people (both OT post-graduate students - one of them is the one teaching the first half of the OT course - and the OT professor) - and she asked me and Elisabet to help her out fixing food and such!
She had to pick up her children from school first, so Elisabet and I ended up in the library for a while, before meeting the OT teacher and her kids! :)

It was really nice to be able to help her out a little, she's a great lady and such a role model for I think most of the students she comes in contact with - and she's always been fantastic to deal with when it comes to SI, she's really interested and tries to help out as much as she can - and I think it's great to be able to do something outside the Department as well.

We ended up chopping and mixing and such for a few hours before the others showed up - and we had a great time. I really totally and completely feel like I have found my place here, and every time something like this happens, I feel it even more!
With the background I have, it's just beyond description to feel like I fit in so perfectly here ... I feel safe and secure and comfortable, even in situations that before would be extremely anxious, and I feel like people around me like me! Getting that kind of continual acknowledgement, constantly verifying that I do fit in and that people do like me - it's just such an AMAZING feeling!!

I was going to pick up my Mum in Helsingborg, so I had checked and had to leave the party about 20 to 8, in order to get to the train station in Lund and from there to Helsingborg. And that's another thing that is so fantastic about being where I am. Yes, I admit, I would have liked to stay longer, we had a great time, there were funny and interesting conversations, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I am NOT completely quite and tries to be invisible! But I feel SO comfortable in this situation, and so sure of myself and the fact that I will experience this again, that it is okay to leave a little early.
I am a little upset, because when I was getting myself ready a lot of others were starting to prepare to leave as well, and I felt the good-bye to the hostess became very quite and short ... but I'll be seeing her again next week, so I hope I can say a proper thank you then.
Just as I was leaving it turned out two other students had to get to trains/buses at the railway station, and one of the postgraduate students where going that way in her car, so I got a lift as well! :) Really kind!

When I got to the station my Mum called, she had already arrived in Helsingborg, but had to wait for me there ... but I don't think I've ever been so impatient during the train ride before! :) I just wanted to get there QUICK - and meeting my Mum was just FANTASTIC! It was quite a while since we saw each other, especially here! I was visiting my families when the bathroom renovation was going on, but didn't get that much time with my Mum - and during Christmas holidays she was sick a lot ... before that, yeah, she came down here for a quick visit just after Zorro had passed away, but that wasn't exactly a joyride ...

We took the bus home and spent some time talking - I didn't go to sleep until about 1.30 a.m. - so I'd been up and about and active and constantly doing things for about 21 hours! *yikes*

The Weekend

If you've managed to get this far in this extremely long blog entry, I admire you, and I will try to not be too detailed now. My Mum and I have enjoyed ourselves during the weekend, talked a lot, done a few outings and watched a few movies and mostly just enjoyed each other's company! :)
I went with her to Helsingborg this afternoon where she met her co-worker and her husband, and I just now heard she'd gotten home safe and sound!

Pheeeew!
Some week,huh?
But SO much of it has been SO fantastic, and I can hardly believe it myself ...
I have a busy week ahead again, but I hope to have some kind of energy when I get home every afternoon to keep the blog up to date, so I don't have to make another really long entry next weekend! :)
And credit to those of you who have made it to the end of this entry! LOL!

*Stress!*

If I had to shortly summarize my life at the moment, I'd say: STRESS!
Yesterday was a really bad day for me ... While nothing bad happened - I did in fact had a good day - I just kept stressing out completely over everything, and that was quite rough! Things are definitely intense now, and next week - but today I've managed to slow myself down a little ... Deep inside I do realize that things won't work out better if I'm stressing around like an idiot!

Yesterday was basically lectures and lunch + mentor planning with Elisabet! Then I ended up talking to a whole lot of people, and I have such mixed feelings about that ... For SOOOOO long, the social arena has been the hardest part of my life, and I've felt that every time I've even had the slightest chance to do something in that area, I've had to take it. For years, I have prioritized "talking to people" over studies, which might sound really strange and borderline insane, but with the problems I've had, that was the right thing to do! I could always manage my studies one way or another - but the social interaction was a completely different story.

Things have obviously changed now (duh!!), and the social area is working like a dream, for someone with a background of about 25 years of social phobia!! And still, I can't quite change my priorities now ... I know that my social life, especially at the Department, is solid now, and if I dodge a conversation or two, it won't be the end of the world - so at this point in my life I really think I should prioritize my studies. But the need and satisfaction of actually being able to have a casual conversation that works out well, it's like drugs to me, I can't get enough of it, I just want more and more and more! :) I guess it's not that strange when you think about it - but now, it does cause these mixed feelings!
I don't feel I can give up and walk away from possible social interaction - and yet I feel bad for not studying enough...

Stressing out like I did yesterday made me completely exhausted, and while I really tried to get things done, it was virtually impossible. The last straw came late last night, when I finally got around to start my baking project (we had the last mentor meeting today), and I completely messed up two batches! By then, it was about 11 p.m. and I'd run out of ingredients - so I had to buy bread on my way to Uni today ... *sigh*

Today has been better, mostly I think because I actually managed to let go a little of the whole stress thing ...
I got some studying done at the Library in the morning and at 10 we had lectures. That was actually the last "real" lecture for the semester, which feels very strange. Next week it will only be lectures on Tuesday on Friday, and on Tuesday there will be a sort of seminary discussion on a book and Friday will be a "closure" of the course, general questions, evaluations etc. And the week after that has three full days of seminars (they're writing an interpretation of an OT text and have to defend it in a seminar) - and that's it. Then they only have the last exam left - and I've seen yet another batch of students struggle through this course! :)

After lectures today we had the last mentor meeting and I think it worked out well, I hope the students felt that as well.
I ended up talking a little to Elisabet afterwards, before heading home. I usually have a "down-period" around 3-6 p.m. every afternoon - but tonight I have gotten a bit of work done on the Covenant ....
I plan to study all day tomorrow - and then take Sunday as a "reflection-day". I way behind on my personal writing now and there are lots of things I need to deal with - and of course there will be a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions about Zorro that I will have to take on then, I've been trying to push them aside now, to cope with the week - but I can't do that too long, and I think Sunday is a suitable day to delve into that ...

Wishing all the blog readers a Great Weekend! :)

Tired ... But Happy!

I've been really tired all day today, but I guess that's not very strange. I did get a bit more sleep than the previous night, but only about 3 hours and that's not nearly enough ... Also the heat, along with allergies, tend to really make me tired these days!

I went to Uni early this morning, I was there at 8, and ended up spending an hour talking to my mentor supervisor!! We had a really good chat, about different things, and it felt good to have discussed certain things I've been thinking about for a few days now!

Lectures at 10, this time starting with Psalms (apart from the guest lecture last Friday, which was also on Psalms). I think I managed to miss all the Psalm-lectures last year, so I enjoyed myself a lot this time! :)
After lectures I had a little chat with the teacher and I always enjoy discussing our subject, the possibility of adding new and exciting courses, what will happen in the new education system etc.! :)

I got a little bit of studying done at the Department before heading home, and once I got home I was almost overcome with exhaustion! I managed to pick myself up during the afternoon and at least I haven't waisted the entire day ...

I'm still very very happy about the Honorary Diploma ... even though it's taken me a while to really "get it". First of all, I never knew there was such a thing, until yesterday! :) And second, I've never really thought of SI and the mentor-thing in a larger perspective. I mean, I know it goes on at other Departments and Faculties at the University, but I've just been living in my little Hebrew bubble, enjoying going to lectures, having mentor meetings, talking to students and teachers and just "getting into" my subject ... so this came as quite a surprise! :)
I've been thinking quite a bit about this whole ceremony that's involved with me getting the Diploma ... At first, I felt there was no WAY I could do it, never ever - but at the same time, I know I have to start facing up to challenges more than I have before, and this would be the perfect opportunity! I've been working on it a lot during the day, and it helped a lot that I was able to talk to my SI supervisor! She did some checking too, so now I mostly know what will happen on Tuesday, and I really feel I have to at least have some idea of what will happen and what is expected of me, if I'm going to cope with it.
But I have basically made up my mind to go now, so unless something completely unforeseen happens between now and next Tuesday I will go through with it! *gulp*

It's getting late, so I'm off to bed soon, looks like I won't get that much sleep tonight either! *sigh* Ah well ...

Weekend

The weekend has been okay, I guess, though I'm constantly walking around with a feeling that I should do more than I do - and at the same time I'm very tired. To be honest, I don't think it's all that strange ... Every now and again, I feel allergies, even though I've never "officially" been diagnosed for it, and I tend to not cope very well with spring time in general. This year has been better than a lot of other years, but I think that's why I'm usually feeling tired.

I've been doing some cleaning and shopping and studying - just the usual stuff. I'm currently working on a rapport on my master's thesis, I have about a week left to work on it before I have to hand it in to the professor, so I really need to get into it. I've had a couple of really intense weeks now, so I feel I haven't quite been working on the rapport as much as I should have, so now I'm hoping this week won't be quite so intense. By the look of things right now, it won't be, so I hope not too many things will happen ... At this point, it's basically only OT lectures every day and that's only about 2 hours, so hopefully I'll be able to work quite a bit with my stuff as well.

Friday was a good day, and I think it gave me a kick of extra motivation, which is very needed at the moment.
The morning was fairly slow - a bit too slow I think, but I guess it's too late to worry about that now. Lectures weren't until 1 p.m. as we were having a guest lecture on Psalm Theology with the Old Testament Professor, Fredrik Lindström (who is my tutor). He usually gives this lecture on this course, and I've sat in on it both previous times when I've been a mentor on this course - but it is a great lecture and he is a very good lecturer - can't help but feel it's a shame he doesn't do it more!
The lecture was interesting as usual, and it was actually a lot of fun this year, as I remembered quite a lot and was almost anticipating what would come next! :) The lecture ended just before 3 p.m. and the regular teacher had prepared a little get-together (which ended up being coffee/tea and cake!!) in the teacher's lounge, so we all went there after the lecture.
We had a nice time and after a while I heard a discussion starting up regarding the lecture we'd just had, and Psalm 24 (which was the focus of the lecture) - and even though I sat at the other end of the table I tried to "take part" (i.e. "listen" - a bit hard trying to scream across a table full of people *lol*). Just in time for this the previous teacher, who had the grammar-part of the course arrived! He's extremely talented and knows I guess a dozen ancient languages - and the discussion turned out to be about how to interpret certain words and grammatical constructions. I really wish I'd gotten a better seat, but at least I could listen in on the conversation! :)

I ended up staying late (no surprise there *lol*) and left after about 1½ hours - got to talking to some people on the way out as well, which was nice.

And I have to mention something else - it's a bit funny but I find a deeper significance to it which is quite extraordinary for me personally.
At around 4 p.m. most of the people started to leave, as did the Professor - and he left with the words: "Well, Jessica, next year you can do this lecture!" :)
I figured there had to be some comment on the fact that I sat in on it for the third time (!), and I try to say that it'd be many years until I could do that! (But I'm taking to heart what one of the teachers said: "Be grateful for the vote of confidence!")
Naturally it was quite funny, and I know I've become that "geek" that always hangs around and has no other life besides the Old Testament - well almost anyway! I think what is extraordinary is that I'm so happy with that!! Ever since ... well, 10th grade or something, I have wanted to be like everybody else. I have always felt like an outsider, like an alien that doesn't fit in, and I've desperately tried to melt in with the crowd.
Now, in many ways, I do stand out - I am a bit of an outsider and an alien. I have an interest not many other students do. I'm interested in the general education system and what changes are taking place there - most students don't care as long as they get their degrees in the end. I am mentor, and while there are other mentors at the Department, there aren't that many of us. Maybe, the biggest difference of all: I want to stay on at the Department, at this Department - and most students can't wait to get out of there! :)
And even though all these things (and probably others as well) make me different from most people I am around, I feel fine with it. I can laugh about it and stand up for that!

I don't know, I feel like I'm mostly just rambling, and I find it difficult to express how much this does mean to me. I never in my life thought that I could find a place, so right for me, where basically everything clicks and works out and makes me feel good.

I still have issues, definitely, and I have a lot of things I need to work on to become a better person and more satisfied with my life - but there are SO many things in my life that are fantastic right now, and I never thought I'd experience that.

Deep blog entry ... I guess I should try to get back to reality now and get on with cleaning my bathroom! *lol*
I hope you all had a great weekend!

Week - Weekend

This week seem to have been the opposite of last week - as in, the week worked out well, but the weekend hasn't felt quite as good.

I am feeling pretty good, generally speaking, right now. I think I'm finding a routine that is working for me, I am trying to sort out a lot of things in my life that hasn't been working out well for a long time and so far, I'm seeing positive results! :)
I can't swear this will last forever, and naturally there are times when things aren't feeling great - but all in all, I think I'm back on track and can make things work out in a good way now.

I'm keeping pretty busy now, but I am enjoying what I do and I think I can make in work. The main thing is my master's thesis of course, which unfortunately were almost put completely to a halt with everything that went on at the end of last year and the beginning of this one - and it feels really good to get back into it.
Aside from that I am trying to follow the Old Testament course where I am mentor. I have "followed" it my previous years as mentor as well, mostly because it makes it a lot easier to plan and lead mentor meetings if you know what has been going on at the lectures, but I have never made an attempt to really follow it - and I think maybe now I do. This is most likely the last time I will have that opportunity so I have decided to take advantage of it, at least as much as possible. There is no way I could find the time to read the literature (especially since it's not the same literature as it was when I took the course), but I have this far attended all the lectures (and I hope I can keep it up in the future as well) and I'm trying to go through the Hebrew text for each day - which is really great! I haven't worked with text in that way in about two years, and I'm enjoying it a lot - and learning a lot as well!

Apart from my studies I am making an attempt at a more healthy life style in general ... I have tried this on numerous occasions before, without much success - I usually try and when I run into the first or second real obstacle I give up ... This time I have managed to hold on it a bit longer than before and while I can't say that I can see an amazing difference, I am noticing little things - and so far they are enough for me to want to keep trying!

All in all, I am feeling really good right now! There are still things I have difficulties with, naturally - some of them are more personal than others.
One thing I haven't managed to get to the bottom of yet is sleep. For some reason I'm not sleeping well at all now, and I haven't for quite a while ... I can't go to bed without being completely invaded by memories of Zorro, which means I basically can't fall asleep. During the weekend I've been able to sleep in in the mornings, but during the week I usually don't get more than three, maybe four hours - and that's pretty rough. I'm not sure why this has come right now, but I guess these things happen, right? It's not quite as bad as directly after Zorro's death - for several weeks I couldn't sleep in our bed, so I slept on the couch - but it reminds me of those weeks now because it usually takes me several hours, and then some, before I fall asleep.

But apart from a few things I have a good feeling inside - which is actually quite surprising! I usually don't feel well during spring time, I tend get into spring depressions and I don't cope with things very well. I guess it's early days yet, but I'm grateful as long as I am able to feel this way, and I will give everything I can to keep it that way.

It's high time I went to bed (as it takes me so long to fall asleep) as I have an early morning and a long day tomorrow - but I'm looking forward to tomorrow's lecture on Exodus 3 - the famous passage where God reveals his name to Moses ("I AM WHO I AM", Exod 3:14, NRSV)! Very exciting!

Quite Intense

The end of the week was actually quite intense for me.
On Thursday I went to Lund fairly early and managed to get a few errands done in town before heading to the Department. I sat there working on a "personal project" (there are actually two of them, but they are kind of linked together) - stuff that I do when I feel like doing something but don't quite have the energy to work on my master's thesis.
I met a few friends and it worked out well.

During the afternoon I ended up checking the internet and I found a job I really-really-really-really-really want ... and yes, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'm guessing there will be a LOT of applicants.
They have this amazing theological book store in Lund, they have all the theological as well as Christian literature and a lot of other stuff too. They're looking for people to work there now, among the possibilities was a part time (50%) job working with various tasks in the store. That would be SO perfect, it's something I think I actually qualify for despite the fact that my education is really narrow, the times suit me to the ground. I'm trying to fix a job application today so I can go and speak with them tomorrow! :) *fingers crossed*

There were OT/Hebrew lecture late on Thursday, 3-5 p.m. but it was an interesting lecture. There were some talks about strange looking vowels at the end of the lecture, and I had actually seen a strange looking word earlier. I thought I'd ask the teacher about it (though I was a bit nervous, usually it's something really really simple that I just haven't thought of). Turns out he was intrigued about it as well and we ended up doing a short excursion to the Library to find out what this was all about. And luckily we found the answer ... :)

I was really tired when I got home, but I didn't sleep much as I had a big challenge to take on on Friday. Since I don't have an income now, I'm living on money I've inherited and saved, and obviously that can't go on forever - so I need to find a job ... and yesterday I had planned to go to the employment office to find out ... just basic rules and regulations, I guess.
These are things I still have difficulties with, things like this generate a lot of anxiety and I worked on this for most of the morning. Around lunch time I managed to get there, and even though the visit didn't give me much information I hadn't already guessed, it felt good to at least have taken on the challenge. I also think I know how to go from here ... I need a bit more information before making any real decisions though.
And of course I'm REALLY hoping for the book store job, which would be amazing!

Yesterday I had planned a really constructive day, catching up on things I haven't felt I've had the time for - but unfortunately that didn't happen. For various reasons, I didn't feel great at all, and that day just went by me. I'm not very happy with that, but I know it happens on occasion. I think I'm feeling a little better today, so I'm hoping to get a lot done today instead - especially since tomorrow will be a VERY intense day!

Bit of Bad News ...

Can't say this weekend has been really great, unfortunately ...
Basically a bad incident on Friday spoiled most of it - and even though I know I shouldn't let things affect me too much, but sometimes I do find it difficult.

I was working on my laptop, sipping a drink (yup, I know, no eating or drinking near a computer ... *sigh*). The construction work was going on but since I've had my own lock installed again, I felt quite relaxed despite a lot of drilling and hammering ... until they dropped something HUGE outside my apartment! Don't ask me what it was but it sounded gigantic. I leaped in the air of course, knocking over my drink ... which poured all over my laptop! NOT GOOD!

I've been doing what I can to try to get it to dry, but so far no luck! The computer works, in itself - but none of the keys work ... making it impossible to work with it or even log in. I have been told to be patient, so I guess I should give it a few more days before giving up - but it's more than frustrated.
I did managed to bring life back into my old computer - and get it hooked up to the internet ... which took most of Saturday (*sigh*) - but it's slower than slow and nothing I can cope with other than as an emergency solution for a short time.

I guess I'll make up my mind about my laptop toward the middle of the week - but I'm already trying to check out the market for a new one, as I might simply have to buy a new computer. Not exactly something I was counting on, but not much to do about either - I need a working computer ...

Other than that, not much has been going on this weekend. I managed to get a whole lot of laundry done this afternoon, which felt quite good as I was running out of clothes to wear! :)

Next week will be pretty heavy for me, at least the first half of it, and I'm a bit nervous about it since the weekend hasn't provided a lot of calm reflection - so to speak. I guess I'll just have to work at it and hope for the best.

Tomorrow I will actually attend both New Testament and Old Testament lectures! :)
Tomorrow morning three lecturers applying for a job at the Department will each give a "trial-lecture", and I know one of them - he taught New Testament Greek when I took it in 2008 - and last spring I kind of sat in on his lectures on that course again, to freshen up my Greek skills! :) I went to similar lectures in Sociology of Religion in January and it's quite interesting!
Then there's the usual OT/Hebrew lesson in the afternoon, and I really enjoy those lectures as they are now covering stuff I'm not 100% sure of myself, so I'm learning a lot by attending them.

I have a big challenge to face on Tuesday, but I will try not to get to far ahead of myself - but I'm hoping for some time to deal with that tomorrow afternoon, I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of thinking in order for that to work out well.

Grief

This is a difficult entry for me, I have thought about writing it for a long time but I have also debated with myself whether I really should write it, or just let it be.
Obviously I have decided to write it now, but that doesn't make it any the less difficult.

I am still very much grieving for Zorro - and for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't. On March 15 it will have been four months since I said my last good bye to him and somehow I feel like it is expected of me to have, at least to a great extent, moved on now. That it is okay for me to miss him, but it's not really okay to feel grief - that painful sharp overwhelming grief - but I do still feel that.
I don't think I go through much more than an hour at a time, without thinking about Zorro, and it hurts, it hurts more than I can describe.

I personally think that I haven't had time to deal with this grief in the way that I need to. I did get about a month right after Zorro died, but during that time I felt it was enough just trying to survive. But since Christmas, I have had to push all thoughts and feelings aside, or else I was afraid I was going to break down completely.
I spent Christmas with my families, and naturally, Christmas is supposed to be a fun holiday, you can't let anything on in front of the kids etc. When I got back home I had to finish an exam in record time (on a course I was totally NOT interested in!), and on top of that deal with all the preparations for the renovations.
When I got my exam done it was basically time for me to move out, and for the next three weeks when I didn't live at home, I had my hands full trying to cope with everyday life.

And now that grief has caught up with me ... I am in so much pain over Zorro, and I can't help but feeling, I don't know, like there's something wrong with that. I don't feel like it's "okay", generally speaking, to be as upset as I am - meaning I'm trying to live my life like "everything is fine" - but it isn't. I'm constantly having minor breakdowns over this, and I still can't quite grasp the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without Zorro - without feeling him, without hearing him, without talking to him.

I didn't sleep at all last night, when I got in bed, suddenly all the events of November 15 came back, and it was like it happened yesterday. I was amazed at how extremely clear the memory of that day is, still. I remember every tiny little detail, from the telephone call in the morning to my arrival home, empty handed, to a large, empty, silent, dead apartment.

I know every single person handles grief in a different way, and I don't expect everyone to completely understand how I feel, because odds are, I won't completely understand how they are coping with grief. I still felt I wanted to share this, mostly because of this persistent feeling I have that it is somehow "not okay" to be grieving after so long time. But I have to say, I don't feel less grief now than I did in November and December. I can do things, let my life go on, but in many ways I did that back then as well. Granted, I spent a lot of time writing during the second half of November, I basically didn't do much else, except writing, but during December I did do things and "function", at least sort of. And I feel exactly the same way now.
I go to lectures and I read and I plan mentor meetings and I talk to people and I try to deal with the construction workers - but I am in constant pain while doing it - and like I wrote in the beginning ... not much more than an hour can pass, without me thinking about Zorro.

People tell me time heals, and somewhere deep inside I guess I know it does. I guess I just feel like it's expected of me to have healed more than I really have right now.

Home Sweet Home!

That sentiment has never ever before felt so true!

I realized just now that it has been exactly four weeks to the day since my last entry. I know I wrote then that I would try to keep updating the blog even though I wouldn't stay home, but the fact that I have been taking a blog break has actually been deliberate.
I have not been doing well the last four weeks, for numerous reasons, and there have been times when I have wondered if I really had it in me to pull through...

The practical aspects of my life, at least some of them, seem to be falling into place now, for which I am most grateful! However, I have been forced to repress and push aside all the mental and emotional aspects of my life for quite a long time, and that is not something that suits me well. The repression approach - "if I close my eyes maybe it'll go away!?" - has never worked for me, I really need to take the opposite approach to the difficulties that arise ... and now I haven't been given that opportunity.

I think I will be able to start dealing with a lot of things during next week, so hopefully I will start feeling better and better.
As a lot of things has happened these past four weeks, I will try to make separate entries, so as not to bore you to death with one single entry that keeps going forever.
Please note that I am now in the process of restoring almost my entire apartment, which takes up most of my time, and I am also completely exhausted, so I might not make a new entry every two hours or so - but I hope I can catch up with the blog over the next few days at least.

You will probably get a few photos of various stages of renovation along the way, although the "AFTER" pictures aren't available yet, as not everything is ready yet.

Looking Back: 2010

While it's been 2011 for a little while now, I still would like to summarize 2010, thereby hopefully putting at least some of it behind me and look forward.





In many ways 2010 was not a good year for me, so I can honestly say I'm glad it's over. I had high hopes for 2010 when it started, but now I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I know I could have done a lot of things differently, but there were also a number of things happening I had no control over.

What was basically really good was being mentor for the Old Testament/Hebrew course during the spring semester. This was my second time, and I have to say I felt I had learned a lot from the first time. I felt more secure in my role as mentor and I actually think I did do a better job the second time. We had a lovely group of students in the mentor group and usually about 6 students came every single time (compare that to 2 or 3 the previous year)! I really enjoy the subject and the course so that was one of the highlights of 2010. I also "sort of" followed the New Testament/Greek course, mainly to freshen up my Greek skills for a course I took at the end of the semester, and that was also a lot of fun. I discovered that I learned a lot taking this course for the "second time" and lectures were usually lots of fun and quite interesting.





I also took another course during the spring that caused nothing but problems. I don't have the time or energy to go into detail but for me the course didn't work at all. I found out I didn't have to take it - or so I thought! The whole thing ended up being very messy and I basically talked to everyone at the Department about this, without getting any clear answers. The whole thing wasn't completely solved until mid-September (!!!) and then it was said I had to have the course in order for me to get my Degree. I had a hard time reaching the teachers involved, but now I have finally gotten an exam for the course, it's due back on Monday, January 17th, so by then I REALLY hope I can put this course behind me once and for all.

During the spring my Dad fell quite ill ... he's still not doing well and that has been another hard thing to deal with this past year. Understandably I won't go into detail, but health issues are always difficult to tackle, I think.
I also had a pretty bad accident, where I got second degree burns on parts of my right foot. At first I didn't think it was that bad, but it ended up being worse than I thought, and I spent a month visiting the Health Care Centre every other day, being dressed and bandaged to the hilt! It is completely healed now, thank God, but I have a pretty nasty scar left.

During the fall, I haven't been feeling very well. Things haven't worked out and finally, in late October/early November I finally realized what was going on. Again this feels a bit too personal, but I really discovered a few truths about myself, my past and present, my behaviours and thought patterns - and that was quite a revelation. I was able to really start to make some changes to my life and I felt I was doing a pretty good job of it.

Then came November 15. Well, actually it all started on November 13, when I discovered Zorro was bleeding after having used his litter box. He continued to bleed throughout the weekend and I got an appointment with a vet on Monday afternoon. It didn't take long for her to discovered that in all likelihood he had a large tumour in his stomach ... since this is a difficult diagnose to make with certainty and treatments are not 100% - and Zorro was 13½ years old - the decision itself wasn't hard to make.
I held him as he had a calming shot and later on the fatal shot, and our 10 years-4 months together was over for good.






My Mum came down a few days later to help me with things and I am very grateful for that, for at least it gave life some form of normality after this had happened. I still however, have a very hard time dealing with this grief. At times it is better, I know I have to move on with my life and I think I do - but inside I hurt SO much! I can't really say anything about it, because everything has already been said about grief and it just feels so clichéd to try to say anything ...

The end of the year for me was basically all about Zorro, no matter how hard I tried, I could not let him go in my mind even though, inevitably, life goes on. I know people tell me that the grief will eventually go away, even though I will always miss Zorro - and maybe that's true ... I guess I'll have to get back to you on that. For now, however, the grief is a constant part of my life every single day (if not every single hour) ...

Mainly because I was in such a poor shape to begin with, Christmas holidays were hard to handle this year. While nothing really went wrong, I didn't feel good and didn't cope with the time spent with my families as good as I think I could have, had I been feeling better.

So, like I said in the beginning of this entry - 2010 has not been a very good year. By the looks of things, at least the first half of 2011 will be quite difficult and very demanding for me, but I hope I am mentally better prepared to cope with the difficulties now, and hopefully 2011 will be a better year (I will be back with an entry on what lies ahead later on.).

2010 Holiday Summary!

I thought it would be best to start this series of blog entries with a summary of the past holidays.





For various reasons, I have not felt great during these holidays. I usually fret the holidays beforehand, as there is a lot to take into account when planning for them, but once I'm up with my families things tend to work out fairly well ... This year however, I felt it was really hard - and I think there are quite a few reasons for that.
I wasn't feeling at all well when the holidays started and that makes things quite difficult. I am used to living alone and minding my own business, so it is a fairly big change to suddenly live around several other people, two of them being children and always having to think about everyone else, adapting yourself after other people's needs and wishes. I guess it sounds like I'm totally selfish and egocentric usually but I honestly don't think I am - it just takes a while getting used to living like that. Often I can cope with it, but I am a very private kind of person and when I don't feel bad, I find it very difficult to interact with others ... so I think that was part of why this Christmas didn't feel great.

Naturally it was very hard not having Zorro around this Christmas! As usual, from a practical point of view some things got easier. I could spend more time with my Mum, as I didn't have to ask my Dad and his family to take care of Zorro if I stayed overnight, for instance - and I didn't have to worry about him not getting as much attention as he usually did. During the trips I only had to think about myself ... but at the same time, I felt very alone without him. Zorro and I usually didn't get much time for us when we visited my Dad and his family, as my sisters usually crave a lot of attention, but the time we did have - usually at night when the others had gone to bed, was such a quality time, we totally enjoyed being together ... and this year I felt completely alone going to bed.

I think I can split the holidays in two, actually. From a practical point of view, they were actually very good! I didn't have to worry about Zorro (which I did quite a lot earlier), I did get to spend more time with my Mum, it was great seeing my sisters again, nobody was ill or hurt ...
But on an emotional level, it wasn't that great. First and foremost of course, missing Zorro. But I also felt it more difficult to be around everybody, probably because I wasn't feeling the best beforehand. I had a hard time being patient with the girls and it was sometimes difficult trying to adapt myself to their routines ... there were other factors too, but they are a bit too personal for a public blog.

One day my Dad and I took a trip to the summerhouse, mostly to check it out, see if rats had gone in and get rid of some of the snow on the roofs of the buildings. While it was quite hard work it was fantastic to get a day on my own with my Dad, and it was really beautiful out there, the sun was shining and quite a bit of snow ...




There will be more entries to come, so do come back! :)

An UpsideDown Day!

Today has been SO strange and massively confusing!

This morning was really slow, though I had hoped to get things done. I went to Uni around 10, although the buses weren't exactly running like schedule!
I went straight to Uni and managed to get some stuff printed, which was way overdue! *oops* I met a friend there, and I got a nice surprise! :) She took the Old Testament course last fall (spring 2010) where I was mentor, and all the students as well as me were invited to our teacher at the end of that semester. I took a few photographs, but apparently so had she, and she gave me one with me and the professor of OT and a few other students! Nice! :)

I spent about an hour outside the library going through the material for the seminar (and I ran into one of the attendants of the seminar, a guy who does research in NT, then - I haven't seen him for a while, so it was nice chatting to him!) - and then I met another friend ... we took New Testament Greek together last spring! :) I spent some time talking to her before the seminar.

We had one of few Old Testament seminars (mostly for post-graduate students and researchers - and New Testament is so much more common), on Leviticus and "leprosy" (sorry, not quite aloud to all it that after today's seminar!) .
I don't know why, but for some reason, it felt really good. I'm usually quite intimidated by these seminars, since they are above my level, but today it felt really good. I knew everyone attending, and I followed the discussions in a good way - and even though I didn't have anything to say myself, it felt really good.
I took a few photos, some are from this morning but I took a few after the seminar on the way to the railway station.

And then the problems started...
YES we've had snow in southern Sweden and yes, it's created the usual chaos! *sigh!!!* A 15 minute train trip took over 2 hours today - SIGH!! I was eagerly awaiting two packages, that I felt simply HAD to arrive ... not to mention part of the two packages was quite important - it was a Christmas gift for my mother and a birthday present for my father ... none of the packages had arrived! *very annoyed*

I had hard to focus for quite a while - so this evening hasn't worked out great!! It's 10 p.m. I still have tons to do tonight and I'm guessing I have to get up about 4-4.30 a.m. tomorrow ... *great - not!!* Ah well ...
At least it feels "good" (if you know what I mean) that I don't have to drag Zorro through the journey tomorrow, especially since no trains seem to run on time these days ...

I will make a last entry before I leave, not sure if it will be a late entry tonight or an early one tomorrow though ....