Intense But Good!

Whoa, this semester sure has started off in an intense way, that's for sure!
Still, it's probably the best start of a semester I've had in a great long while, so I'm not complaining about the intensity! :)

Where do I start?
Monday morning was the introduction to the Bible Studies course where I am mentor, so I was going to give them a little information regarding the mentor activity and invite them to the first meeting. Obviously I have done this before (though on another course) and I do know what to say, but I'm still very nervous and anxious about these things, so I didn't sleep much and was up before dawn trying to prepare myself as best I could.

Everything worked smoothly, I had a moment to tell the teacher I wanted a few minutes and it was fine with her - but it was a large group, they were between 25 and 30 students ... On the Hebrew course they usually start out around 15 and end up being 10 ... sort of! :) But I have to say that I don't think my anxiety increased because it was a larger group, and I guess that is a good thing! I think it is the fact that I'm standing up in front of people with all attention directed at me that is the problem, not whether it's six or twelve or fifty people.

So anyway, a lot of information first, from the student counsellor, from the NT teacher and from the OT teacher - and then it was my turn! I think it went okay, pretty good ... I do know I tend to talk WAY to fast (because of the anxiety!), I find it very hard to slow down - and that's a bad thing ... but I think I got the information out that I needed, I got eye contact with a lot of the students etc. so it felt pretty good! :)
We had a bit more of a "usual lecture" toward the end and we were done around ten.

I was pretty exhausted afterwards and didn't quite know how to pass the time, but I ended up reading a few articles for my thesis and I think I at least understood some of it! Points for effort? :)

At 2 p.m. I was meeting with the professor, and it ended up being a pretty good meeting! I felt I knew a bit more about the subject than when I met him last, I had an idea on how to proceed and he approved it - so it was basically a question of detailing what needed to be done and what perspective to take on things. However ...
However, it turns out I'm going to have TONS to do now, I have to send him in a rough draft on September 25, and I have A LOT to do until then! And that does make me a bit nervous, I can't help that! Still, I enjoy doing it and I have the mentor activity to not get too caught up in stressing over my writing - and again, I REALLY have found my place, I love being around the Department and around the people there, so I just simply have to make sure I work as hard as I can during these weeks and hopefully I have accomplished something! :)

Tuesday was really NOT a good day, so I'm just going to not say anything about that - and instead move on to yesterday, Wednesday.

Basic plan was lectures 8-10, first mentor meeting 10-11 and sort of an introductory meeting for students taken (some) advanced level courses and/or writing advanced level essays at 1.
For various reasons (Tuesday was NOT a good day!) I had not been able to prepare much at all during Tuesday, so again I was up at the crack of dawn, trying to get a structure for the first mentor meeting. At first it felt impossible, but I finally managed to work something out, that I also hopefully will be able to use on other meetings, and I left for Uni around 7.
When I got there I was going to fix the coffee and stuff for the mentor meeting, and met another mentor there, who was doing the same thing! :)
She was almost done and when she left, the NT teacher showed up. I know who he is, we say Hello, but I haven't really talked to him, and since I'm going to be mentor on the NT-part as well, I thought this would be a good opportunity to break the ice. We started talking and really hit it off, which was great. He was very curious about how things had been during the first lecture, how I felt about the mentor activity on the course ... so we ended up talking for quite a while. Until I realized that it was 8.12 - and the lecture started at 8.15! Yikes!
I rushed up to the lecture and got there just in time - very interesting lecture, the teacher is fantastic! During the break I went back and got the coffee and things done, and the other half of the lecture was aimed more at getting the students talking and discussing, which I think is great!

We were done at 10 and I called out that we'd have the mentor meeting in the adjoining room. I went there with all my stuff and then went back to see if people would be coming or not! And they did! :) I think we ended up being 11 students, which felt like a pretty good turnout actually, even though I am used to smaller groups!
I gave some basic information and we spent the meeting basically just talking. They got to introduce themselves and we talked about the course and the lectures and the literature ... I have a lot of feelings about the meeting myself, but I don't think this is the place to air them actually.
Still, it felt like a good meeting, as an introduction, and I think and hope I will see these students on the other meetings as well.

I tried to read a bit for my thesis during my break, but it was really slow and I had a bit of a headache. I did manage to organize a mentor meeting schedule to go up on the notice board (which I should have done Monday *oops*), and then I met E, who joined me as mentor last year - she was going to the advanced level introduction-thingy too. We ended up talking and more and more students joined me, a lot of them people I haven't seen in a great long while, so it was really nice catching up with them again.

The introduction-thing was ... I don't know ... I think it's GOOD, really, they are organizing writing-support-groups for students, where you can discuss your writing, comment on texts etc., and they have just general meetings for advanced level students where they try to invite people to talk about different things and so on ... and I know that is really great, but I kind of feel out-of-it. I know a few of the students, sure, but since my studies have been made complicated for oh-so-many reasons, I don't feel like I belong in a group like this - I have taken the same courses they have, or in the same order, I am the only one writing in my subject, which is pretty small and specialized, so I'm not sure how many constructive comments I can get on it ...
I will try to attend, if nothing else to show my general interest in the Department, in a way, but I don't feel very enthusiastic about it ...

I was going to take a train home around 2.45 - only to find out there had been an electrical failure and all train traffic was stopped for a while. My usual trip home (on the train) is 15 minutes ... yesterday it took me 1½ hours ... yay! Not!

*phew*
I'm exhausted today, and I probably won't go to Uni, but I still need to get things done, so I'm hoping I can work on that during the day! :)

Oh yeah, I just have to say THANK YOU to all my visitors, we have hit 36,000 now, since September 20, 2006!!
I'm very happy we reached that since this blog will (almost) stop on September 20! :)
Thanks again!

*Stress!*

If I had to shortly summarize my life at the moment, I'd say: STRESS!
Yesterday was a really bad day for me ... While nothing bad happened - I did in fact had a good day - I just kept stressing out completely over everything, and that was quite rough! Things are definitely intense now, and next week - but today I've managed to slow myself down a little ... Deep inside I do realize that things won't work out better if I'm stressing around like an idiot!

Yesterday was basically lectures and lunch + mentor planning with Elisabet! Then I ended up talking to a whole lot of people, and I have such mixed feelings about that ... For SOOOOO long, the social arena has been the hardest part of my life, and I've felt that every time I've even had the slightest chance to do something in that area, I've had to take it. For years, I have prioritized "talking to people" over studies, which might sound really strange and borderline insane, but with the problems I've had, that was the right thing to do! I could always manage my studies one way or another - but the social interaction was a completely different story.

Things have obviously changed now (duh!!), and the social area is working like a dream, for someone with a background of about 25 years of social phobia!! And still, I can't quite change my priorities now ... I know that my social life, especially at the Department, is solid now, and if I dodge a conversation or two, it won't be the end of the world - so at this point in my life I really think I should prioritize my studies. But the need and satisfaction of actually being able to have a casual conversation that works out well, it's like drugs to me, I can't get enough of it, I just want more and more and more! :) I guess it's not that strange when you think about it - but now, it does cause these mixed feelings!
I don't feel I can give up and walk away from possible social interaction - and yet I feel bad for not studying enough...

Stressing out like I did yesterday made me completely exhausted, and while I really tried to get things done, it was virtually impossible. The last straw came late last night, when I finally got around to start my baking project (we had the last mentor meeting today), and I completely messed up two batches! By then, it was about 11 p.m. and I'd run out of ingredients - so I had to buy bread on my way to Uni today ... *sigh*

Today has been better, mostly I think because I actually managed to let go a little of the whole stress thing ...
I got some studying done at the Library in the morning and at 10 we had lectures. That was actually the last "real" lecture for the semester, which feels very strange. Next week it will only be lectures on Tuesday on Friday, and on Tuesday there will be a sort of seminary discussion on a book and Friday will be a "closure" of the course, general questions, evaluations etc. And the week after that has three full days of seminars (they're writing an interpretation of an OT text and have to defend it in a seminar) - and that's it. Then they only have the last exam left - and I've seen yet another batch of students struggle through this course! :)

After lectures today we had the last mentor meeting and I think it worked out well, I hope the students felt that as well.
I ended up talking a little to Elisabet afterwards, before heading home. I usually have a "down-period" around 3-6 p.m. every afternoon - but tonight I have gotten a bit of work done on the Covenant ....
I plan to study all day tomorrow - and then take Sunday as a "reflection-day". I way behind on my personal writing now and there are lots of things I need to deal with - and of course there will be a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions about Zorro that I will have to take on then, I've been trying to push them aside now, to cope with the week - but I can't do that too long, and I think Sunday is a suitable day to delve into that ...

Wishing all the blog readers a Great Weekend! :)

Renovation Part II: Emotional

Due to quite an intense week, unfortunately the blog hasn't been updated. Hopefully I can take some time this weekend to catch up with it!

This entry will try to focus on the emotional part of this whole renovation mess I've been living in for the past 5-6 weeks - naturally it won't be very detailed as emotions are, at least to me, something very private. But I will try to write something.

I think what has become most evident for me is how much I actually value my home! When I was on sick-leave, my home became my refuge, it was the only place in the world where I could totally relax and where I was completely at ease - at any other place there was at least some kind of anxiety involved, although of course the gravity of it varied.
But since I have been feeling better, I can be relaxed at other places as well. Anxiety has not that big part in my life any more (although some of it has come back lately - but that's another story) and I don't have to be on my toes and feeling anxious as soon as I leave my home.
But still, home apparently means a great deal to me - which became very clear when I was more or less thrown out of my home.

I spent three weeks not living at home, and that was really hard on me. Part of the time, I could borrow Christian's apartment - where I was on my own and could go about my business in the way I wanted - and the rest of the time was mostly spent with my Dad and his family, and I'm used to being there as well ... but it was still hard on me not being around my home, my stuff! (This is not to say I'm not grateful both to Christian and to my Dad for making these arrangements possible, because it made things work out well on a practical level!)
Since this was a reaction I had not anticipated, I also was not at all prepared for it, and probably didn't handle it in a great way ...

Things have been feeling a lot better since I was able to come home - but there is an element of anxiety still, as there has been complications and I've basically had people walk in and out any time between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. to try to fix this and that ... And that makes it hard to relax even when I am at home ... this has made me truly appreciate weekends though! :)

Having to go through this renovation mess has also made it impossible for me to try to really deal with my feelings and emotions. I feel like I have been forced to push things aside and telling myself I'll have to deal with them when things calm down a bit - and that is something that I don't feel good about. Pushing things aside make them pile up inside me and eventually I feel like I'm going to break, both physically and emotionally, because there is so much inside me that I can't let out.
This weekend I think is the first time since Christmas, where I can really sit down and work things through (I write - a lot!), not worrying about anything, just trying to focus on what has been going on and how I'm feeling about everything, and why, and where all my emotions come from, and how I'm going to deal with them.
I still have stuff I need to do, but I truly feel I have to prioritize my writing now, if I'm going to be able to feel better!

I have several other blog entries in mind before I feel I'm back-on-track with the blog, so hopefully I can get my act together and publish them during the weekend.

Tough Week ...

I do apologize for not writing here at all during the week - but it has been one of the most intense weeks I've experienced in a VERY long time! It's been quite hard to get through everything, also because during the fall I wasn't feeling great and I wasn't very "active" at all. Now it seems it's all caught up with me and it tends to get a bit too much at times.

I had an exam with a deadline on midnight Monday so I spent almost all day at Uni and continued working on it when I got home. I wrote frantically until around 11 p.m. but just as I was about to send it I felt like maybe I've completely misunderstood a couple of things! NOT good! It was too late to do anything about it, but I sure am dreading the result (also, it's SOOOOO important that I pass this exam, which makes me even more nervous!) ...

On Tuesday the spring semester started at Uni, and with that the Old Testament/Hebrew course where I am mentor, this year along with another girl. We were supposed to introduce ourself and the mentor activity - and even though I really have become quite secure at the Department, things like that do make me nervous still ... I think it worked out fairly well, and it seems like 16 students will take the course now, which is a lot! Not sure how many of them stick with it until the end, but at least it's a good start.

We had lectures in the afternoon as well, and I sat in on the first half before rushing home to start moving furniture. The electrician was supposed to come on Wednesday morning, and I needed to move everything away from every single electrical outlet in my apartment as well as make sure they could change the ceiling outlets and the fuse box in the hallway. That sure took some doing, especially since I was REALLY tired ... I realized I did NOT want to be home while he was doing it ...

I didn't get everything done Tuesday night, so I was up at 2.30 a.m. on Wednesday and finished it, and left home at about 6 ... I was at Uni at 7.30 and stayed there until about 4 p.m. (and sat in on an OT lecture), ate in town before going home. I was home about 6 p.m. and it was a MESS. I hadn't managed to disconnect my ceiling lamps, so that had been done ... but all of them were just in a mess on the floor and it was pitch black inside my apartment. I had no idea what they had done or if they had connected ANY of the leads at all. I ended up finding a tiny flash light and went around the apartment trying to figure out what they had done and how to get at least one lamp working again... and I did succeed in the end even though I was in a terrible mood.

On Thursday I went to Uni again, though I slept in a little. When I was about to get ready the electrician showed up - apparently he'd forgotten something in my apartment and he also told me I had missed one outlet when I was clearing away, so they hadn't been able to change that. I said I'd have it cleared by the time the renovations started - but it does involve moving two or three bookshelves *sigh* - so hopefully they'll get it done then ... At Uni it was an OT lecture and I spent some time talking to the teacher afterwards. I also met the other mentor and we talked a little about the first mentor meeting that was scheduled to Friday afternoon.
When I got home it was time to move more furniture, as on Friday morning construction workers would be in here covering the floor in the hallway and doing some other stuff.

I was up early Friday morning as well and went to Uni. At 9.30 there were three lectures in sociology of religion, as they will appoint a 50% teaching position in that subject. Of the three people there, I "kinda" know one of them, at least I know who she is, and I do know another one. I had him during a few courses back when I started Uni after my sick leave, and I actually chose between sociology of religion and Old Testament when it came time to specialize my studies ... I hadn't seen him in a long time so it was nice to be there, and I'm actually surprised at how much I remembered (since I haven't taken this subject since 2006!).

I had a little while to myself during lunch before it was time for OT lecture and after that the first mentor meeting. I think it went really well although I always have a tendency to over analyse things. Afterwards I talked a bit with the other mentor, Elisabet, before heading home.

Friday afternoon and yesterday I have spent trying to prepare for my three week absence ... I am really nervous about these three weeks and how things will turn out, but I guess I just have to hope for the best. At the moment I'm trying to get my apartment fit for the renovation, move some furniture for the electrician, trying to find a way to save my flowers, doing laundry and trying to figure out how to actually pack stuff that will keep me going for three weeks ... etc. etc.

I have taken photos continuously of the various states my apartment has gone through, so I will try to make a photo entry later tonight.
But now I have to try to dismantle the mirror wall I have in the hallway ...

1 Week

I can't believe it's been one week. One tiny little week. One immensely long week. I guess this entire situation just feels completely unreal, so it's not that strange I have no time conception whatsoever ...
I don't know how to summarize either, because it feels pretty much impossible! My Mum came here on Wednesday, basically a "rescue-operation", and while I think I could have coped without it, it felt really good that she came. I'm an extremely private person, and I cannot share really intense feelings with anyone ... but I think what did help me was the fact that we got some practical stuff DONE - which I probably would have completely ignored if I had been on my own! I got the apartment at least fairly clean before she came, we did a ton of laundry, we did some major grocery shopping and cooking (so I have lots of food stacked away now!) - and we also made more of a fun outing to IKEA in Malmö on Friday ...

On Saturday it was time for mine and Annika's annual Christmas tradition (see entry below), so my Mum and I went to Gothenburg together, and when I met Annika, my Mum went on home.

I think the main thing I'm feeling, besides the complete and total emptiness and loneliness that comes with missing someone close to you, is an extreme fear of forgetting!! I know I will forget, time inevitably causes you to forget, and I don't want to forget!! I guess some people will say I'm torturing myself for nothing, but I don't see it that way ... I don't care how much it hurts (and it hurts A LOT!), I do NOT want to forget anything about Zorro!!!
I've come across with people who deal with sorrow in a manner that is basically 'forget-and-move-on' - and that is totally not me! I think they feel that if you "get on with your life" and go about your normal business, the pain will be less. Maybe it will, but I still don't ever ever ever want to forget ... and I'm really scared because I know that the more time that will pass, the foggier the details will be.
I mean, I will always remember specific incidents regarding Zorro - when we visited my Dad and his family, when we were in the summerhouse, his train trips etc. - but it's the ordinary daily routines that I'm scared to forget. They were so natural for such a long time, and I know that when I start developing new routines that doesn't involve him (which I already have!), the old routines will fade!
I'm trying to write as much as possible in my diary about these ordinary things (such as the fact that we had our very own language!! *smiling!*), so at least I will have it there .... but it's still extremely difficult to know that all these little things that have been a part of my life for the past 10 years will just fade away ...

I know I have to "get on with my life", which at the moment is extremely stressful, especially regarding studies ... but I'm not sure how I'm going to do that! I have written almost all day today, but I probably won't have time to go through all I want to go through - and I'm still not sure that will prepare me for full-time studies and then some.
At this time, I don't have the energy to worry too much about it, I'm more in a "let's try it and see what happens"-mood right now. So I guess we'll have to see what happens ....

Celebrating 27,000!

YAY! We passed 27,000 visitors today! :) Thank you all for coming and for taking an interest!

I went to Uni early this morning, first time in ages! *oops* Was there a few minutes past 8, and at first I got some work done on the computers - managed to finally locate a really important article for my master's thesis, printed some stuff for a seminar next week etc.

After that I got some regular studying done, with a bit of mixed feelings actually. Like I said in my last entry, most things in my life are very complicated right now, and I find it difficult to sort everything out. I know I have SO much that HAS to be done and that HAS to work out - but I also know that if I push myself too hard, I'm just gonna crash and it'll all blow up in my face. The thing is, where do you draw the line? I need to push myself, otherwise everything will get screwed up, but if I push myself too far, it will still be screwed up. Ah well ...

I had lunch with Elisabet, which was really nice! Not that many "Old Testament-people" around these days - and to be honest, I haven't exactly been around much myself either lately!! :) Hopefully I'll be able to spend a bit more time around Uni from now on.

I went home after our lunch, and not that much has happened this afternoon. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that spending half a day at Uni, with all the things involved there, actually does make me tired now. I do feel anxiety for a lot of things now - when I allow myself to actually feel it - and that does make me tired. Once again the question of when I can be allowed to be tired and to take some kind of recovery-time, and when I just have to push and push and push in order to get things done.

Needless to say, things are a bit confusing and ... well, I guess confusing pretty much covers it. Still, I have hopes that I can start to change things, even though it will take a great deal of hard work!!

Drowning!?

First of all, I took these totally cool photos of the sun outside my living room window (I just love my zoom lens!!)! I have to say that I'm fascinated by the colours and contrasts of the photos - what do you think?





Moving on to not-so-pleasant matters. I have been going through some tough days now, and even though I know they appear every now and then, they're not so nice to deal with.
I'm very worried about lots of things in my life right now, and none of them are really going to be solved any time soon - meaning of course I just keep thinking and wondering and not being able to do a lot about it.
I have "sort of" let one thing go now, but I have a hard time letting difficult things go, even though I know I should be focusing on other matters.

I realize this is very vague, but I find it difficult to articulate how I feel about what to myself, and I definitely don't want to do it in a public blog - but there are a lot of things that have been accumulating for a while and I really do feel like I'm drowning!
I guess all I can do is try to calm down and see what I can do and try to focus on that. As usual, it's easier said than done though...

I had a meeting with my professor yesterday, about my master's thesis - the meeting started well, but ended up feeling worse and worse. Nothing against him, he's really fantastic and he tries to help me as best he can - but I really do feel awful and that makes it really hard for me to focus and get something out of a tutoring meeting like that. But it's a shame, because I don't see him very often and I will have to get a lot of things done until our next meeting. Ah well, yet another thing that shouldn't occupy my mind, I guess, since it's already happened ...
We did have a nice moment just as I arrived. He was in the teacher's lounge (which is sort of next to his office) and called out to me when he saw I came. Apparently he'd seen the lists of applicants for next semester's courses - and since we're in the middle of changing everything (yes still, our education system - in our Department - has been more or less constantly changing since 2007) it was a huge confusion and mix-up regarding the courses. After confronting and challenging a former student counsellor and a secretary we finally realized that there are 26 applicants for the Hebrew course - which is GREAT! :)

I'm working really hard at making a "come-back" now, mostly because I know I HAVE to make things work. I have a strong feeling that by the time we reach March, I will have gone to Hell and back, possibly more than once! But I simply have to make it work, there are no other options at this time, so I really hope I can pull my act together and MAKE it work - even if it doesn't work perfectly!

Finishing off with a recent photo of my darling! :)

Lack of Sleep --> Revelation?!

Pardon the somewhat cryptic title! :)

Fact is, I hardly slept at all last night, I basically got about an hour, dosing on the couch. I did however discover certain things about myself. Generally I tend to think ... a lot ... I kind of like it, but I have a feeling it can get over the top sometimes. During the wee hours of the morning, I did however think a whole lot of things that has never crossed my mind before, and I honestly think I can do some really good things on the basis of that!

While I'm feeling sooooo much better now than I did some five years ago or so, I have still experienced problems in certain areas during the last few years. If what I thought of tonight is true, and I can get to work on it, I really think I have a chance to once again make some changes for the better in my life! There are no guarantees in life, I know that only too well, but this sleepless night really opened my eyes and I think I see things in a perspective I haven't done before - and I'm hoping that will be enough for me to really work hard at making these changes.

I think a very important thing when you want to change something you're not happy with, is that you know exactly HOW you are going to change it. The first step is certainly to recognize you do want to change whatever-it-is - but I think it's hard to be successful unless you know how to accomplish it!! It's really easy to say "I want to change this" - whether it'd be loose weight/gain weight, get better at staying in touch with family and friends, live a healthier life ... whatever - but if you don't have a plan, it's going to be hard to realize it!!

I think the big revelation of my night was the fact that I actually know exactly how to change the things that haven't been working for me. I have known about them for a long time, and felt the need for change, and tried and tried and tried to change - but no success!! Now I have a very detailed plan for what to do, how to work with this, and I think I can make a go of it!!
Before my sick leave, I felt horrible, awful, terrible - and had done so for quite a while ... but I never figured out exactly what the problem was, and therefore, I had no chance in knowing how to do something about it!
When I got help - eventually - and actually got a detailed plan: "This is what you have to do at this specific time!" I managed to change it! It felt like it took forever, but I did it! I guess you can compare it with someone not happy with their weight (no matter if they feel they weigh too little or too much) ... it's NOT easy to "just change it", to start loosing weight or gaining weight! But if you start a programme - a dietary programme, or Weight Watchers or something like that, where it's clearly specified exactly what you have to do, a lot of people reach the result they want!

Sorry about the rambling!! :) I know it might be premature, but I do feel I can start changing things now, if I can stick to the methods and techniques I thought of, I really think it's possible!!!

Moving on to something else ...
We had an information meeting about the renovations being done to our bathrooms starting next year - and let's just say it's going to be a MESS! Apart from completely tearing down the bathroom (everything, they will even change the main pipes running through the house), the will change all the electrical outlets in the entire apartment, you can choose to have your entire kitchen redecorated ... and basically you can't stay in your apartment for about a month!!!
I can live with that, I can go in exile with Zorro to the summerhouse ... the only problem is the time when they're going to be here. Which is exactly when I will finish everything regarding my studies, which includes completing my master's thesis, present my master's thesis (in a really huge and quite scary seminar!!), send in an application to get my master's degree and send an application for post graduate studies - which shall include a project description of my future dissertation!!! All this at a time where I basically can't be in the same part of the country .... (And yes, you might say I should leave Zorro somewhere because this is more important - but I can't do that! First of all, I can't stay in my apartment anyway, with everything that's going on, and second, he's getting really old and very dependant on me, and I think that leaving him with, say my Dad's family, alone for several weeks, could very well kill him ...)

Wow, this blog entry ended up being way longer than I had intended! :) I have a really long day tomorrow, so I'm going to starting thinking about bed now!

A Week In Limbo!

My intention was actually not to ignore the blog for an entire week (!), but this last week has been feeling quite strange. I know I should have worked on thoughts and ideas for my Master's Thesis, but not knowing what to do about the other course/courses I have to take has made it quite difficult for me to focus. I have been waiting for a decision, and mostly feeling like I've been in some limbo state, where I haven't known anything.

I did get an email from the student counsellor on Thursday, she had forwarded a mail from a guy I've been in touch with regarding this before - and again, more confusion. At one point, he actually said one thing first and in the next sentence said the opposite, so yeah: confusion! Also, I think I have a possibility of solving this situation in a good way, but he did not mention this as an alternative, so I don't know whether it's possible or not.
I'm really fed up with all of this, and even though I want to continue this "fight" until I get a definitive answer, I'm not sure if I should. This could, in the long run, reflect badly on me, and I really don't want that ....

I'm meeting with "my" professor (Old Testament) tomorrow afternoon, and I'm basically going to let him decide! While this does not really affect him (since none of the courses are in OT), he is my tutor, and I do value his opinion. Basically I think that if he feels I should continue, and try to find out if I can take a course that I will benefit from, then I will. That way I know I'll have his support, and hopefully he might be able to give me some more names of people I can talk to. However, if he seems to think I'm exaggerating and just causing trouble, I will just give up - take the course that it was said earlier I had to take, and just ... don't make any more trouble. This is not really what I want, of course, but I still feel that I can't go on if everybody at the Department thinks I'm being a pain in the neck!

This week has mostly been centred around this, and now I'm trying to look ahead ... because the semester does start tomorrow, whether I'm ready for it or not!

I know I'm going to have a rough time now, mostly because I find it SO difficult to get going with my Master's Thesis. I know I can write, but I'm finding it extremely difficult to come to the point where I actually start to write. I need to find a subject and a line of question, something that will hold up in the academic debate, I need to be able to make a decent disposition of the thesis, and then I can start writing ... and reaching that point seems to be very difficult indeed.

I'm glad for the session with the professor tomorrow, we're going to have to discuss the thesis as well, but I also know that he can't get started on it for me - basically it's all up to me anyway ... which is a bit scary!

Apart from the thesis I do have this other little mess to deal with. At the moment I don't know what will come of it, but no matter what I will have to take quite difficult and time consuming courses - so I am in for a hard time, that's for sure!

I stand by the fact that I want to keep this blog alive though, so I'm very much hoping that I will at least have the energy to make a short entry every day! *fingers crossed*

Returning and Leaving

I think I have made somewhat of a comeback in the blog this week, even though I haven't updated it every day.
This week has been VERY intense and I'm looking at some intense days ahead as well. Therefore I wanted to let you know, it might be a while before I update again! I'm starting to gain interest in the blog again, so I'm hoping this intensity won't make me skip it entirely again - but I might not be very regular either ... let's see how it goes, shall we?

Sorry about the shortness of the entry, I'm at Uni and I need to get quite a few things done before showing up at an OT lecture at 1 (which is in 1 hour 45 minutes!) ...

Take care!

Ups and Downs

I'm feeling generally very confused right now, as some things seems to be really good and others feel just awful.
Sunday was a baaaad day - no need to go into details there, I'd rather just forget all about it.
Yesterday was ... confusing ... The morning wasn't so great, I didn't sleep well and things just didn't feel right. I went into Uni around 11 o'clock and started feeling better, I met some nice friends and it felt good to be back at the Department again.
I went to an OT lecture (Isa 7:10-17 - very exciting!) and afterwards we had a mentor meeting. I don't think it was the best one yet, but it was okay and it felt good to hang out with the OT students again!

When I got home I had received an email. I have been dreading this particular email for quite a while now, as I had the distinct feeling it would make things a lot more complicated than they already are! And I was right! The only problem was, things became more complicated in a way I had not in my life anticipated! *sigh* This pretty much drained my energy completely last night - which isn't so good as I basically have to study 24/7 now!!

I didn't sleep well tonight either, and I've been thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking - and I think I have come up "sort-of" a plan - though I don't know if it's going to work out! I went to Uni early, I was here at 8 o'clock, and I finished the NT book I'm currently reading. Now I'm parked in the library, I have replied to the "dreaded email" (and feeling even more nervous now!!), and now I'm going to move on to the NT article I'm supposed to read. I hope to get through it fairly quickly (it's in Swedish - YAY!!!) and hopefully I can get started on writing the paper I'm supposed to do.
At 1 o'clock there's another OT lecture (this time, Isa 40:1-11), and after that I'm heading home, doing some shopping first.

I'm still quite determined to make May a good month, but I'm quickly realizing I'm probably facing the most difficult and most intense weeks of my life right now ... and that does make me a bit nervous!!

Big-Time Confusion!

Apologies for the lack of updates this week. Things have just spiralled and gotten worse and worse this week and I think I landed in some apathetic mental state yesterday!
Now I'm quickly realizing I can't stay there if I'm going to cope with this semester, so I'm hoping I will be able to make a comeback during the day today and hopefully I'll be able to start dealing with everything tomorrow ...

I'm sorry I'm being so very vague about everything, but to be honest, I don't really feel totally comfortable about sharing my most personal issues in a public blog... There are lots of things going on now that aren't so great - my study situation isn't the best, and I'm wondering whether or not to try and do something about that, the future seems mostly like a big black hole, which is a bit disconcerting ... I've run into some financial problems ... It seems like my Dad is really ill, though he won't tell me much about it, nor see a doctor, so that has me worried quite a bit.

I'm hoping I will be able to be more constructive during this week, addressing at least some of the problems that have been piling up and hopefully also be able to solve at least a few of them ...

I'm hoping for more updates during next week, if I can find a solution to some problems, I think it will be easier for me to write about them too - so fingers crossed, hey?! :)
I hope you all had a great weekend!!

Short Update!

Tuesday, 9.25 a.m.

I apologize for not making a proper update, but I'm feeling pretty stressed out. I'm at Uni with a million things to do - and it doesn't help that yesterday was totally crappy and today has started out the same way! :(
I know I have to cope and deal with the difficulties, and I think I will - but I don't have smile while doing it, do I?

Most of what feels bad right now is really private, so I hope you'll forgive me if I don't spill my guts in a public blog ... I just hope this will pass soon and things will feel a bit better ...

Well, I'd better get on with everything I should be doing, at this point, I wish I could split myself into three or four different pieces, maybe that way I'd have time to do everything I should do! :)

Take care!

Unintentional!!

Wow, these once-a-week updates on the blog is strictly unintentional, and I don't feel too happy about them actually ....
It's been another intense week, and with things the way they are right now, I'm probably gonna have it like this for the rest of the semester ... *yikes* So somehow I'll have to find a way to work this blog into my intense schedule.
One thought was this: I usually have about 10-15 minutes before lectures start in the morning (the library opens at 8 a.m. and lectures starts 8.15 or 8.20), the idea is to take a few minutes every morning and update my blog then. At least I'm probably not as exhausted then as I am when I get home at night!! :)

As I said, another really intense week!
On Monday I had a bit of an awkward morning, but went to a seminar (essay-seminar in Old and New Testament Exegesis) in the afternoon. Had I managed to get my essay done, I would have presented my essay there, but it was nice to attend. I hadn't had a chance to read the essays that were up properly, but since I really enjoy the subjects - as well as the people there - I had a great afternoon! :)

Tuesday was a busy day! I went to Uni early and did some practical and emotional preparations in the morning. 10-12 there was a common introductory lecture for the students taking New Testament Exegesis with Greek and Old Testament Exegesis with Hebrew, and as mentor in the Hebrew class I was supposed to attend. It was basically an introduction to grammar, but it was quite interesting, and it seemed to be a lot of students taking the courses, which is nice! :)
I had a long lunch break but at 3 p.m. it was time for the offical introduction to the Hebrew course. I did a mentor introduction, that I have mixed feelings about!
Last year I think I did a really terrible introduction and felt bad about that throughout the semester. I felt quite a lot of pressure this time, and I have mixed feelings ... the presentation was a lot better than last year, but I still didn't feel structured and it felt like I was ... babbling ...
I did talk to quite a few students during that day though, and I see that as a good sign, because I didn't get that much contact with students last year. So that should be an improvement, right?! :)
The lecture ended at 5 p.m. but I ended up talking to a couple of the students for quite a while, so I wasn't home until 7.15!!! *tired!!!*

Wednesday was the day for my own official introduction! Well, first of all I went to the Greek lecture in the morning, I need to freshen up my Greek skills (I have forgotten soooo much!!!) so on Tuesday I spoke to the teacher, and he said it was okay for me to show up at his lectures! It was nice taking Greek again, I took in during the Fall of 2008, but it was nice to get back into that again! (though Hebrew IS more fun!! *lol*)
In the afternoon, between 1 and 3.30 p.m. we had introduction/lecture in my "real" course (they one I'm actually supposed to be taking now!), called "Religion, tradition and communication". I don't really know what to say, this is a course I have to take in order to get my Master's degree, but I have to admit I would never ever choose this course myself. I know I have to do the best I can of it, but I have to admit, I'd much rather put my energies into something I'm more interested in ... ah well, c'est la vie!

Thursday was actually my birthday! :D And I celebrated my old age by having to great and fun lectures: first up Greek in the morning, second, Hebrew in the afternoon! Couldn't have asked for a better day! *lol* (Yup, I'm nuts!!)
The Greek lecture was fun, we got into a bit more solid grammar, and I realised I actually have forgotten a lot, so I'm gonna have to start working on my Greek as well now!
The Hebrew lesson was also fun, I got some ideas for the first mentor meeting (which is tomorrow!) and that's always good! :) During the break, the professor that had the Hebrew class earlier came, I had him twice and he was an amazing lecturer! Nothing against the "new guy" (who, has had the course once before this so maybe not so new!!), who is really good - but I guess I do miss the old professor anyway! He introduced Hebrew to me, and it's partly thanks to him I really found out what I wanted to do with my studies!! It was really nice to bump into him again - I see him occasionally but we basically only say Hello. After the lecture, me and a friend ended up spending almost an hour talking to the teacher, we had a rewarding chat but I was pretty tired when I got home!

Friday and Saturday was HORRIBLE!! I really don't want to go into detail but nothing worked out on neither one of those days, and that was quite frustrating!! I had heaps planned for this weekend, and absolutely nothing got done for two whole days - not good!
Meaning, I'm stressing like a maniac today trying to prepare and get everything done for not only tomorrow but the entire next week - because again, it'll be a very intense week!!

I'm hoping to be able to take some time at Uni every morning to update the blog - though there might not be an update tomorrow, as I have some preparations for the mentor meeting to do in the morning!

I hope you had a great weekend and can enjoy the rest of the Sunday afternoon!

What A Week!!

First of all, my sincere apologies for not updating the blog for a whole week!! *gasp*
But this has been some week, that's for sure!!!

I got started on my essay on Monday full stop, and worked on it intensely during Monday and Tuesday. I think it worked out pretty well, although it's always a change to be so focused and concentrated during long days.
On Tuesday night I got a call from my Dad's partner, which was a great surprise! We get along fine, but we never speak on the phone, I always speak to my Dad and sometimes my sisters! She apologized for calling late and told me that they had to take my Dad to the emergency room earlier that evening!!
I had talked to him during the afternoon, but after dinner he'd gotten severe stomach pains and eventually they had to go to hospital!! Since they had to bring the girls, they couldn't stay for long, they had to get to bed, so when they went home, my Dad hadn't even seen a doctor yet!! (despite being in Emergency!)
She hoped to hear from him or the hospital when they knew something and I asked her to call me, even if it was the middle of the night! I had planned to go to bed but got a real adrenaline boost, so I couldn't sleep.
I got another call about an hour later, with updates on my Dad. Apparently the doctor had seen him but could not determine what was wrong, so they were going to admit him to hospital and continue doing tests.

I couldn't sleep for the life of me, even though I knew there was nothing I could do ... I had originally planned to go to Uni but I couldn't find the energy to go, so I had a day at home. I got several calls from my Dad's family, but it seemed they were just doing tests and tests and more tests, finding nothing - and it felt awful not knowing anything!!
At about 5.30 in the afternoon I got another call - from my Dad!!! I was sooo surprised, but it turned out that when they didn't find anything they just sent him home ... doesn't exactly increase my confidence in the Swedish Health Care System, that's for sure.

Thursday was a middle day - I was still upset and tired after the incidents on Wednesday but I managed to get something done.
Friday was a really stressful day, I was at Uni at about 8.30 in the morning and wrote on my essay almost non-stop until 4.30 ... and it was "almost" finished by then!!!
I also managed to get some work done for the mentor-thing I'll be doing this semester and one thing was really cool. We had gotten the information that if we could get a schedule together and book a room for each of our meetings, our schedule would go on the official lecture-schedule for the course. I did, meaning I am actually named on the official schedule for the Old Testament Exegesis (with Hebrew) course this semester! *lol* Kinda cool!

I was exhausted on Friday night but didn't sleep anything anyway ... early Saturday morning I did the last work on the essay and sent it to my professor. I still have some work left on it - my Methods-chapter for instance - but at least I sent it, now I can't do much more with it until I meet with my professor and hear his thoughts on it ...

I've been really tired this weekend, but despite that I sleep really badly now ... very annoying.
Tomorrow I'm starting another really really intense week, but I'm hoping to have enough energy during evenings to update my blog! :)

I hope you had a great weekend!

Opening My Heart!

As you may have noticed, this blog has been completely neglected lately! Things have not worked out at all, no matter what I have been doing or trying, and I haven't felt like exposing all the bad things that has happened, day after day after day! Doesn't make for fun reading, does it?!

However, I rather like this blog, and I'd hate to see it die, since I've put a lot of work into it, it's been doing fairly well, and it's been around for over three years. So I'm taking a deep breath now and will try to summarize this fall, in the hopes that the future will be a bit better. But it's not easy to know where to start ...

Well, first and foremost, my laptop is FINALLY back with me!! Yes!!!
It was quite weird as I didn't hear anything from the Repair Centre, where I eventually had to send it, and all of a sudden I got a note in the mail to go pick it up! Apparently they had replaced the Hard Disk Drive and reinstalled Windows Vista, and so far it seems to be working!! The not-so-good thing is that I didn't get Microsoft Office which I had on it before - so I still can't use the computer for actual writing ... which is a bit annoying. I might be able to get that fixed during Christmas holidays though! *fingers crossed*

I have also had the windows in my appartment replaced. The windows were going on 50 years and needed to be replaced - unfortunately, that hasn't gone smoothly. I have had the guys in here for four days now (and I have to stay at home while they are here, as I have to watch Zorro), and they never ever seem to finish. It's just one thing after another (and they usually start working at 11-11.30 and stop at 2 ... some working hours, right?!? Now they have managed to at least get the windows changed (so I have all my furniture and curtains back in place), but they destroyed bits of my wall when they removed the balcony door, and they have to fix that later this week - and they have already been in one extra day to finish putting in the window shutters. And then I realized they haven't finished the outside of the balcony, but since I have a net there, to protect Zorro, they have to have access to my appartment to fix that as well. I'm getting seriously tired of them right now, I hope I can talk to them when they come for the wall ... Having to be home on certain hours is seriuosly ruining my personal routine now, espeically when it just seems to go on and on and on and on ... *sigh* I still don't know when they will be finished, but I just really hope it will be done soon!!

My Dad came for a visit about a week ago, and that was really fantastic!! It was the first time he has visited me on his own since my oldest sister was born in 2004, and it was really wonderful!! Unfortunately he arrived in the middle of the window-mess, it felt very nice to have someone here during all of it, but I also would have liked for my Dad and I to be able to spend a bit more quality time to ourselves ... instead of just trying to get everything to work out with the window-guys. But I still enjoyed his visit SO much, and I was feeling really, really low when he left - even though I know I'll be able to see him for Christmas.

There has been some problems with Dad and his family lately - quite a lot of problems actually. I definitely won't say any more than that, as it is their private business, but things haven't been well at all, and it turned out they managed to be able to book another trip to the United States!!! They went to Florida last December, and they are apparently going to do a da capo and go again in about a week. I very much hope that it will be a great trip for them, so they can get some compensation for everything that has happened, and that they will feel better when they come back!!

Needless to say, with all of this - as well as some other stuff that I won't bore you with now - my studies has been suffering A LOT!! I haven't managed to focus and concentrate properly and I'm seriously very worried about that now. I usually take my studies very seriously, and sometimes I sound more worried than I actually am, because it turns out I am prepared and I do pretty well - but this time I'm seriously seriously worried!!! I have to finish one 1st level thesis by the beginning of January, and while I know what it's about and has the basic structure figured out, the material won't gather itself and the thesis will most certainly not write itself!!! And that takes focus and concentration and hard work and time!!
I also have to write my Master's thesis now!! Things are still pretty undetermined regarding the practical matters, I will present it in the post-graduate seminar (*scary!!*), but it's not yet decided when ... it will probably be in April. But before that I have one full-time course (January-March), I will be mentor in the Hebrew course, meaning I have some work to do there, and I'll probably want to attend a lot of lectures. I also have a reading course in the New Testament with Greek, so I'm hoping to show up a bit for the Greek course as well, to freshen up my grammar skills a bit! So writing a Master's thesis on top of that will NOT be easy, that's for sure!!
The main problem now is that I'm clueless regarding the entire thing. I know I want to focus on the Covenant, and Exodus 34 - and since I enjoy working with texts, it would be fun working with a redactional-critical method ... but more than that: I'm clueless!! For some reason I can't conenctrate or think or reach any kind of decision regarding it, and I definitely need to get started on it ... SOON!!

Unfortunately, I also seem to have lost touch with a lot of my friends!! I know they are really busy and have a lot on their plates, and when I have felt so under the weather, I haven't had the energy to reach out to them ... but it feels a bit sad that I've lost that. I have some friends at the Department, and it's nice to hang out with them, taking a break and grabbing a coffee - but I also miss the friends that have left the Department and moved on to other things ...

Oh my, I guess you have all fallen alseep by now, this turned out to be a long entry. Still, if I'm going to start blogging again, I figured I'd better get everything up to speed again! I have been doing a little bit of photographing lately, so now it's only a matter of getting my laptop organized again, and move the pictures from the camera to the computer, and then I'll make some photo entries here! :-) (I have gotten quite a lot done on my laptop, so hopefully I might even be able to add at least some photos later on today)

FINALLY ... I Hope!

Hey everybody!!

Things have not been going so great here lately, and I haven't felt like blogging at all. I'm still not feeling great, although so far this week seems to have been a bit better than previous weeks.

I don't have the time or the energy to go into detail on everything that's happened, but there are a lot of things going on now, I have a lot of things on my mind, which makes it hard for me to concentrate on what I should concentrate on: my studies!

My laptop is still not fixed!!! *hate that* Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong, and that's something I keep thinking of a lot. Especially since I'm writing my first level thesis now and have to start my master's thesis SOON, and ... well, a computer does come in handy, right?! This old one does work, but it's superslow, some things aren't working on it and it's just generally very annoying. I had an email from the Computer Support tonight, so I'm gonna have to call them tomorrow, and see what happens next.

There are also a lot of other things on my mind, and constant thinking on those things - as well as lack of sleep - has caused to fall behind quite a bit on my studies ... which in turn casuses me to stress even more! A really vicious circle ...

Still, my mood has generally been better these last few days than earlier, and I'm hoping that can help me to try and turn things around a bit now. I won't make any promises regarding this blog, as there are no guarantees - but at least I HOPE I'll be able to update it a bit more often!



Oh, and I hope you had a great Halloween! :-D

Take care!

A Strange Week!

Sorry about the lack of updates, but this has been a very strange week ...
I still don't feel really great, so I'm sorry to make this a rather vague entry - but I just don't feel comfortable to let it all out right now!

My studies aren't going great at the moment, for some reason, I just can't seem to find the rhythm and discipline to make it work - and I have an exam (and a discussion about my first level thesis!) on Tuesday! Can't say I'm looking forward to that one little bit, although I have no illusions at all about passing, I just don't think that's possible, unless I get really really lucky!!

I went to a post-graduate seminar on Tuesday, I'm going to present my master's thesis there next year, so I'm supposed to follow at least some of the seminars. I don't think I will go into details here, because the seminar affected me for various reasons and that's been a bit tough to cope with.

At the moment I feel like I'm living in a bubble, until Tuesday afternoon! Most everything feels strange, but at least I will know more about how to plan my semester and what to do when after Tuesday - right now I just feel like I'm drowning in stuff to do, with the discouraging result that I'm getting nothing done!

Sorry about the not-so-funny entry ... this hasn't been a good week or a good day! Hopefully it will improve!

Insane Crazy Week!

God knows how I'm going to write anything about this week that makes any kind of sense, because it's been absolutely insane. Some things have not been that great, other things might be good maybe and some things are really really good. Did I mention it wasn't only insane, it was also confusing?! :)

I guess I should get the bad news over with right away and try to focus on the positive - that sounds good, right?! :) I did have an exam this week that for various reasons did not work out at all. I feel really uncomfortable about pretty much everything regarding that exam so I hope you'll forgive me if I don't go into detail here.
Now for the rest ... which is confusing! Apart from the exam - that I have to take again at some point - I'm writing two essays this semster (Old Testament Exegesis). One is rather small, covering 1/4 (25%) of one semester - I guess you'd call it a first level thesis. The other one is a master's thesis, which is quite huge, it covers one semester's full time studies! *yikes*

On Wednesday I occupied two professors (one in Old Testament Exegesis, one in New Testament Exegesis) for over an hour trying to figure out what to do with my master's thesis. The problem is, the Swedish University system is going through some major changes, and I've gotten completely caught in the middle, so I'm the only one at the Department writing a master's thesis (in any of the Theology subjects) right now. They had no idea what to do with me, where I was going to present it - but it turned out, I'm going to attend the seminar where the post graduate students present parts of their dissertations ... *whoa and yikes!!!!* I'm glad their moving my thesis "up" instead of placing it with the Bachelor's thesis-students, but still ... yikes!!!
After that I had a discussion with my professor about what I'm going to focus on, and it seems my first level thesis will be about Job, and my master's thesis will be about the Covenant! :)

Then there are some internal problems on the Department, so I was quite busy during Thursday and Friday running around to different professors and assistant professors and student counsellors, trying to figure out in which seminar to present my first level thesis ...
I got it all figured out like 4 p.m. yesterday afternoon, so I've been completely exhausted since then!!

This week has had some severe downs and some amazing ups, and I'm mostly feeling very confused right now! The exam is a biiiig down, as I have to take it again and this semester looks intense enough as it is! And naturally, having to run around trying to figure out everything hasn't been that much fun either!
But, there are so many great things as well ... I'm really making a name for myself in my own subject now, which is great since that's what I want to continue doing! When it comes to Old Testament, all the teachers/professors know me, by name, which is an AMAZING feeling for somebody who's felt shut out of the entire society for a number of years!!! And I know a few professors/teachers from the adjoining subject, New Testament. that also know me quite well. I know a lot of students now, I feel confident, I can speak for myself and the general atmosphere that I'm experiencing right now is FANTASTIC!!!

I realize I've been rambling like an IDIOT right now, and I apologize for that! At least now I know what kind of structure this semester will take on, and that's the main thing. Though I'm going to have to study 24/7 practically until the beginning of Mars or something, in order to get everything to work out - and that feels quite intimidating ....
Still, I SO much hope I can continue here, because I feel really great here, there's an amazing feeling that I just belong here!!! :)

Stress - Stress - Stress!

I thought that with handing in my essay and actually coping with the seminars, things would slow down! Boy, was I mistaken!
I'm stressing like a maniac right now, and I'm not sure how long I can keep it up! At the moment, it looks like I'll be able to relax and wind down during the first week of July and that's it! *rolling eyes*

At the moment, Annika and I are desperately trying to work out our London plans ... which can be a bit complicated at times! I also need to get a new passport first thing tomorrow, as I discovered mine expired in January. Hopefully I get it in time, otherwise I'll have to arrange for a temporary passport.
Tomorrow afternoon I'll meet up with some great friends at Sofiero for a CELEBRATION that we are ALL finished with our educations (well, I'm "kind of" finished .... I'll never be really finished!) - YAY!!!

I also need to make the corrections in my essay, and on Tuesday morning I'll have to go to Uni and try to print it ... I've never done that there before, so I hope that will work out. I will also have to make arrange for it to be copied - the Department will need 3 copies, I want one, my parents want one (each! *lol*) ... so I'm thinking I need to make 10 copies!
That afternoon I have a meeting with my professor, and before that I'm gonna have to check up a bunch of literature for a reading course I'll be doing over the summer, so he can say what he thinks will be good ...

My appartment is currently REALLY disgusting, so I'll also have to find the time to make a real, real, real CLEANING of everything - I'm also thinking of redecorating my entire bedroom ...

At this point, I'm feeling like collapsing, but I HAVE to make this work out. Next Sunday I'm invited to a friends ordination (had to look that word up *lol*), which I'm totally looking forward to - and a few days after that, I'm leaving for the summerhouse.

Celebrating Midsummer with my families, and then Annika and I are going to London - we come back on June 29, so maybe I can get some time to catch up then ... ?

Sorry about complaining so much, I guess I had hoped I could relax after the whole ordeal with the seminars, the the weeks before that were so awful, and now I'm stressing just as much as I did then ....