Sunday, 29 March 2009

Surviving The Week From Hell?

Things are not going great now, that's for sure. I'm feeling really down and sad and upset, and I have a week ahead of me that I wouldn't wish on anyone ... I don't really know how I'm supposed to actually go through it, and the fact that I need to actually perform - or the consequences will be severe - makes me feel even worse.

I don't really feel comfortable pouring my heart out in a public blog, so I'm sorry if this is a little bit short, but my week basically looks like this:

Meeting with an Old Testament teacher, introduction to an OT-course where I'm mentor, and where I'm supposed to say "something" in front of the group, an oral exam, a talk with "my professor" that I have no idea how to do, discussion regarding two essays I have hardly given any thought at all, and essay seminar - for the two essays I don't know anything about - an OT-lecture and a regular mentor meeting, cleaning the entire apartment to prepare for my trip, try to find a new bathroom carpet (mine will be replaced while I'm gone), STUDYING (duh!!) plus a number of other errands and things to just "get done".

I'm feeling pretty awful at the moment, and going from complete apathy to outright terror ... and that is not the best type of preparation for a week like this!!
I'm really looking forward to my trip, as I think I'll need it as a way of gathering my composure again, trying to deal with everything that has been going on, that I haven't had time for now, and really try to come to terms with ... everything! Hopefully I can feel better and be ready to take on life again after that!

I know this is a short entry, shorter than I usually keep my blog entries, but I actually don't feel up to writing right now. I have a hard enough time writing in my diary at the moment, and this is a lot harder ... I can't guarantee the updates of next week, considering how it'll be - but at least I promise to make some kind of summary update next weekend, before my trip.

I hope you are all doing well!

(--> My personal blog, Me, Myself and I, has been updated <--)

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Blog Break!


Things are not working out really great for me right now, and I will have to take a break from most things to work it out at the moment!
It's not to serious, I don't want those close to me to worry because it's not that bad, but I am feeling rather low at the moment, I had to postpone the exam I should have taken today and I feel terrible about that ...
And the thing is, I can't just put my entire life on hold to sort things out, but I think I need to put all my energies to working out the studies-part of my life, and trying to work with myself - and therefore other stuff, like the internet, will be put on hold for a while.

I don't do that much online any more, it's mostly this blog, a few forums and Facebook, but that will be put on a hold for a while too now ...

The way the future looks at the moment is this:
Right now I have to try to find my way back to a "working life" and get back on track again. Next week will be very heavy indeed, with one meeting, one course-introduction where I'll speak in front of the group about the mentor thing, my oral exam, an essay seminar, at least one more OT-lecture and one mentor meeting.
The week after that, I go up to the summerhouse, on April 6, and will be away for about 2½ - 3 weeks. Unfortunately I haven't had the energy to get a working wireless internet connection for my laptop, so I will be pretty much out of reach for those weeks (but hey, who knows, maybe I'll need an internet break as well! *lol*) and I will only go online when I'm visiting my families ... maybe.

I'm hoping to sort things out during the end of this week and the weekend, and hopefully I can at least be online a bit during next week, even if it is very intense, especially since I'll be out of reach later on.

As I said, I'll survive this too, but at the moment, I need to devote some energy to pick up the pieces and get back on track again.

Take care!

Sunday, 22 March 2009

A Long Night Now?!

I had my intentions set on a long night of studying yesterday ... so I thought!
Turns out some less than quiet neighbours decided to have a party ... a loud party ... a very loud party! I don't mind it so much, and thankfully it doesn't happen very often here, but yesterday I was quite disturbed by it.
First and foremost of course because I neeeeeeeed to study now, and that was so not possible, but it was also a bit uncomfortable actually. Not loud music or loud TVs or anything, just a bunch of old guys yelling! Technically yelling - someone could just start screaming on top of their lungs, for no apparent reason! Quite weird ...

Anyway, today has not been a great day, I feel like I'm screwing up this course completely and I don't know why, everything is a great big mess and I'm completely stressed out! I have tons of stuff to do for the exam, and I have a very hard time concentrating, and on top of that I have about a million other things on my mind, that I can't let go of, which means I get even more confused and have an even harder time concentrating. And it's an even bigger mess!

It seems to be very intense here up until me and Zorro go to the summerhouse for our mini-vacation on April 6, but I have to say I am really looking forward to that!! I know I have to study, and it will be difficult trying to get started on my essays sitting there, but I am looking forward to the change of environment, because I hope it will give me a chance to catch up with myself, when I can start sorting through all my thoughts and emotions I'm now doing my best to supress, in order for my studies to work out ... But it's still quite a while until then, and I have to start dealing with oral exams and mentor meetings, and economic problems, and meetings with teachers and mentor supervisions and introction meetings and God knows what - before I can go ... As you can tell, it's hard for me to take one thing at a time - if it's at all possible.

I'll stop complaining now, grab a cup of coffee (or 5!) and continue with "God and His People" ...

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Preparing For A Long Night!

The fact that I'm sitting here with a big cup of coffee does say something about the way things are right now: insane!!
Things has not worked out really well today, and I'm starting to get more panicky as every hour passes about this exam. It was the same for last exam, I was sooooo stressed out, and I really hate that! And still, I seem to end up in these situations all the time ... *sigh*

I am completely done with all the text work, at least ... or ... well, I guess you could never say you are "done" when you're studying, but I have done all the translations. My idea for the text part now is to work on my vocabulary! I have made word-cards for pretty much all the words I didn't know in my text, there are about 330 of them, and the idea is to work on them as soon as I'm doing something where I can't study ... that is, if I'm taking a walk, riding a bus/train etc. And then if I have time I'm gonna have to work a bit on pronounciation ... I find it difficult to read out loud, I always have, and starting this semester I have been introduced to a more classical way of pronouncing certain letters, which takes a little bit of training.

But at least there's not an awful lot to do with the text in itself, and I guess that's a good thing at least, right?! *tiny smile*
What is left is the literature ... and I have to say that having looked through it properly, it was quite as much as I had feared. I thought I ended up at about 1200 pages, but it seems to be "only" about 850, and that helps a bit. Naturally I can't go into the books on a detailed level now, but I don't think that is the point with these courses either, I think the literature is supposed to be means of getting a picture regarding the theme in question, when it comes to the essays, I'm going to have to go more into detail of course, but I'm not quite there yet! :)
So the idea is to read through the books, not taking tooo much time, and at the same time write a small summary of each book. That way, it's enough for me to read the summaries right up to the exam ... So that's the plan, and that's why I'm drinking coffee like an idiot, despite the fact that it's almost 9 p.m. - I'm getting ready for a long night of "God and His Pepole - Covenant and Tehology in the Old Testament". Sounds exciting, doesn't it?! :)

Friday, 20 March 2009

Fun And Frustration!

The title pretty much mirrors my mood right now! I've gone into almost full study mode - will go into complete study mode tomorrow - and it feels both fun and frustrating! Fun in the way that I actually DO enjoy what I'm doing, I'm fascinated by everything I'm studying and that is a very cool feeling!
The frustrating part comes from working with Hebrew text. I enjoy that a lot, I find a satisfaction in analysing and sorting out everything, finding the specifics of every little word ... but when I can't work it out, I'm completely stuck! I know the idea of these courses are that you're taking them alone and not in a group, but that makes me frustrated. I have no one to talk to, no one to get any input from, or to discuss with, and that means that if I can't find a word or a form of it, there's nothing I can do ... And that is frustrating!

Apart from this, my mood seem to be better now than earlier, which is really great. I think Wednesday was the turning point, and I'm very grateful for that, since I really DO NOT have time to get stuck with a depression right now ...

Now I'm hoping to really set my mind to going in full-study-mode starting tomorrow morning ... which for me basically means a completely disrupted day-routine. I have managed to master the art of power naps, which I haven't coped with before, so full-study-mode is me studying until I can't keep my eyes open, then take a power nap for anything between 15 minutes and 1 hour, then study until I collapse - sleep for 15 minutes to 1 hour, keep studying ... etc. etc. until it's time for the exam!
So that's basically my plan right now, I hope I can keep it up until Thursday - with the complete exception of Tuesday, when I have an OT lecture, a mentor meeting and have to work on my essays ...

Now I'm off to bed, getting a full night's sleep for the last time in a while ... :)
Take care!

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Getting Better!

Things generally started to turn around yesterday - which I am very grateful for - although I haven't had quite so good a day today.

Yesterday was the best day in a long time though, and I feel good just thinking back to it. I can't really put my finger on one single thing that was perfect, but everything just worked out in a really really good way! :)
I met Lena on the way to Uni, and we haven't seen that much of each other lately, so it was great spending some time with her. At 10 I attended the OT lecture, and that was really a lot of fun!! It was the last "real" lecture on this part of the course (they have one lecture on Tuesday but it will be only for questions, and then they take the exam Monday after that), so it was quite calm, and mostly an oversight on "fun things that we didn't have time for" ... and it was really so much fun! :) Among other things we went through a few lines of Hebrew text, very common and used in the Swedish Church a lot, and I tried to challenge myself in finding out how to analyse the different words - and was quite proud of myself when I did find out some quite tricky ones. :)

After the lecture I was supposed to talk to the teacher for a little while, I had some questions from the mentor meetings to run by him, and we have the last one (for this part of the course) on Tuesday. We ended up having a really wonderful conversation which lasted for 2 hours!! *yikes* We really think so alike, and since our interests are a little bit ... odd ... (?), it's great to find someone who thinks just like you! :) He's WAAAY more talented than me, and so much more into languages, but we do get excited regarding the same things, and that makes for interesting conversations!
I got all the answers I needed - and then of course, a nice conversation ranging from the new education system and its practical applications on our Department to the prefix-vowels in nif'al of verbs that are primae laryngalis and tertiae infirmae at the same time! *LOL*

When I got home I managed to get some cleaning done and get a real start on my own studies for my reading course - so I felt really really good!!

Today has been more of a so-so day, but at least the major "depression" seems to have turned around now. I have mostly struggled with Hebrew text today, and I have to say I find it very difficult to do that all alone. You get locked in and it's easy to get stuck, because you can't get any other viewpoints or opinions! I try what I think and when that doesn't work, I get completely stuck. But I guess the more I do it the better I get, and then I won't get stuck quite so often ... I hope ...

No matter what I'm getting ready for my last-minute-full-study-mode now ... I take the oral exam (and will have to discuss essays as well *gulp*) next Thursday, and all I have planned apart from EXODUS is an OT-lecture and mentor meeting on Tuesday! Besides that, it's studies 24/7 - well, almost anyway ...

Take care!

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

I Am Still Alive - I Promise!

I do have to apologize for the lack of entries here lately ... I can't believe it's been almost 1½ weeks since I updated the blog! *gasp*

Still, I don't think you've been missing much to be honest! I generally have a hard time coping with the spring season, and I have certainly felt that lately! The only exception was last year, I think, when I actually thrived during the spring semester - but usually I find them very difficult to cope with.
I have been feeling rather down, and a lot of things have not quite worked out, or ended up being very confusing - and that makes me have a hard time focusing and concentrating, and I end up doing a lot less than I should ... and I get in an even worse mood! :(

The last few days have been very up-and-down ... yesterday felt a little bit better (apart from a few things), so I was hoping things would turn around a bit now - but today has been pretty awful, and now I'm feeling all down again!

I know I SO don't have time to feel down and blue and apathetic right now because there are SO MUCH going on at the moment - but when I get like this, it's more or less impossible for me to "ignore it and move on"!! I still haven't found a way to get all these difficult thoughts out of my mind, and that makes it impossible to focus on my studies ... and to tell the truth, I find EVERYTHING really boring and meaningless at the moment!
When things are as they should be, I would never say my studies are boring - after all, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life!! But right now, everything feels just pointless ...

Okay, I'm sorry - this apparently turned into a more depressing entry than I had intended! *oops* I'm really trying hard not to let these feelings take control of me right now, because I'm SO pressed for time right now!
I have my oral OT-exam next Thursday and I need to study A LOT for that - and I also have to do some checking up on my two essays, because I need to discuss them with the professor when I take the exam ... because less than a week after the exam we have the essay seminar ... and I certainly have to present something sensible there!!
Apart from this, I have to start thinking about my trip to the summerhouse (with Zorro - on a train!!!), I need to contact the teacher who will teach the next part of the Old Testament course where I'm mentor, I need to see her before they start their course - and I need to apply for the autumn semester's courses (I'll be writing my Master's Degree essay), and I have to take another "reading course" during the summer, but I can't be registered on that unless I've passed the one I'm doing now, but it still has to register as being taken during the spring semester ...

... and I totally realize I'm rambling like an idiot! *sorry* I guess I was just trying to make a point, in the fact that I can't just sit back and stare into thin air right now, even though that sounds really great ... *rolling eyes*

Enough ramblings ... basically I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive, still, and that I have no plans to cancel this blog, even though it might seem so at the moment!
Now I will TRY to get some studying done before going to bed ... though I'm not sure if that is at all possible ... Wish me luck?

Sunday, 8 March 2009

Weekend Over!

Weekend over soon! I'll have to admit that this weekend has been better than a lot of others, even though I can't say I feel good about it! :) Guess it'll take some work before getting my weekends to work.

I've mostly been catching up on domestic duties this weekend, cleaning a very messy apartment, doing a lot of laundry, and just general stuff around the place. Unfortunately not much studying though, so I'll be hard at that first thing tomorrow morning!

I have to make some preparations for tomorrow though, as it seems I will have to address the entire Hebrew group tomorrow, regarding the mentor activity. I know that it's a good thing to do, and I'm not panicking about it - yet! - but I do feel uncomfortable doing it, I can't help that.
(and yes at some point I WILL do a proper personal update about the mentor-thing!!!)

Otherwise not much to say really ... Weekend been slow, and I don't a lot planned for this week either. There are Old Testament lectures Monday, Tuesday (+ mentor meeting), Thursday and Friday - and I don't have anything planned apart from that! I really hope I can get a lot of studying done for my own course this week, as I don't have anything else I have to focus on!

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Saturday, 7 March 2009

16,000 - Wow!

Sorry about the lack of updates for a few days now ...
But first and foremost - we've hit the 16,000!!! Yay!!! Thank you so much for visiting my blog ... though - as I've said before - comments are appreciated ... :)
(I know some of you comment, and I'm very happy about that, but there must be lots and lots of you out there who doesn't say anything ....)

So, what's been going on? Thursday was pretty quiet, mostly only an Old Testament lecture ... yesterday was more intense! OT lecture again, 10-12, and right after that I had a meeting with the teacher about some questions that came up during the mentor meeting! It worked out really nicely, I got answers to all of the questions, I have to double check a few things but I have a fair idea of what to tell the students on Tuesday. And we kept talking and talking ... he's come sooooo much farther than me, but we do have similar interests, and that of course makes it easier to carry a conversation!
We sat for about 45-50 minutes (!) and at 1 I had meeting with all the mentors and our supervisor. I was a little nervous since I've had some issues with the mentor thing (though not nearly as bad now as earlier - and yes, I know I should update my personal blog!), but it worked out really well. I felt part of the "group" (we're not that many but still), I recognized some of what the others had experienced and I got a good response to what I said as well. We bordered in on my "issues", but I was really careful about not saying too much, and I think I found a decent balance! :)

After that I went to a nearby mall to buy a new transportation box for Zorro, for our trip in April ... I have one but it's really big and quite heavy. This one was a tad to big, I had wanted a size smaller, but it was cheap and it was made of some kind of fabric (not plastic!) which makes it a lot easier to carry around ... so I'm quite happy with that! :)

I didn't come home until 5 p.m. and felt really dead, so I didn't do much last night, and I slept in today - nice!! Now it's about time to get started on this day though, as I need to get started on studies full time as well as do some shopping, cleaning, sorting laundry etc.

Take care, I hope you have a great weekend!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

A Day Off!

I went into Uni early this morning, I was there when the library opened at 9, with my heart set on heavy studying ... didn't happen!
For some reason I just couldn't concentrate or focus and it just didn't work out! Since I had a lunch date with Lena I really tried to make it work, but there was no chance! I just kind of "hung out" at the Department until Lena was done with her seminar, and we had lunch at Subway! *yummy* It was really great seeing her again ... feels like ages ago! Wonder how it will be when he gets her degree and disappears (which is SOON!) ...

I had already realized that this was indeed a non-studying day ... so I've actually taken the day off since I got home as well! I know I can't make a habit of it, as I have to fix my course AND start working on my essays before my exam on March 25, but I think I needed today actually!
Hopefully my mood, concentration levels and ability to focus is back on track again tomorrow!

Apologies for the short entry, but pretty much NOTHING has happened today, so I don't have that much to write about ... :)

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

A Long Day!

I'm really tired right now, I've had a long day, so I'm hoping to be able to get some sleep soon.

I went to Uni early to prepare for the mentor meeting and get some studying done before the lecture at 10. Still interesting stuff, though I'm being a complete nerd, I know! :)
After the lecture those who come to the mentor meeting have lunch together - either you can buy lunch, or bring some of your own. I always bring a salad (simple!!!) so I'm staying in the room watching everybody's stuff while they rush off to get whatever they want to eat. The OT-teacher stayed today as well, he got involved in some book he had brought, and we had a nice chat! He's SO into his subject (Biblical Hebrew and the texts from Ugarit mostly), and it's fantastic to see someone so engaged in what they do!! I'm very interested in languages too, and we had a nice moment when he read some Ugarit Baal-myth to me in its original language! *lol* Amazing!

The mentor meeting went well, though we are rather stressed for time, if we're going to be able to go through all the things I have planned before their exam. I have lots and lots and lots and lots of thoughts about this whole mentor thing - and pretty much all of them contradict each other! *rolling eyes* - and I will probably make an entry in my personal blog about that later on ... just to get it off my chest! :)

After the meeting (which again ended 30-40 minutes late!!) a few of the students stayed to work on what to prepare for next lecture, and I decided to stay as well, and get some work done for my course. I stayed until 4 p.m., and then I met a friend so we had a little chat! I had to practically run to the railway station but actually made it to the 4.22-train! :)

I've been pretty out-of-it tonight, I'm really tired, and all these mentor thoughts keep dancing around in my head, I have a hard time relaxing them.

Tomorrow there are no OT lectures but I will still go to Uni, because I think I work better there. Or rather, I work better there during the mornings!! At lunch time the library get SO crowded and I find it difficult to concentrate, but my plan is to be there when the library opens at 9, and then work there through lunch. I'm meeting Lena for lunch, which is going to be GREAT! We haven't seen each other in a while, she's been doing an internship and hasn't been around the Department for some time now! Depending on my mood, I'll see what happens after lunch, if I go home and get an afternoon at home to study, or if I take my chances with the crowded library and continue there!

Monday, 2 March 2009

Yay - it's a week-day! :)

Sorry, I know most everyone does not like Mondays, but considering the way I can NEVER EVER get a weekend to work out for me, I'm quite fond of them actually! :)

We had Old Testament lecture at 10 this morning, and this particular area of the Hebrew studies are quite interesting to me, because we didn't quite go about it this way when I took the course (it's a new teacher now), so that makes it very exciting to me! :) (Guess I'm the only one - with few exceptions, who things it's exciting to find out exactly WHY the vowels change the way they do when you change the form of a particular word! *lol* Lena would agree, that I know, right?!? :) But I'm in good company, I know at least two other language-"nerds" around now ... even though one's retired and one is almost done with his PhD ... so I'm a bit behind those two ... *lol*)
Anyway .... what I was coming to was the fact that I stayed the whole lecture instead of leaving at 11.

I had a brief lunch and then studied some ... was having a bit of trouble concentrating, because I know the library is totally crowded around lunch time, so I sat outside the lecture halls ... not so great perhaps, but I only had about 1-1½ hours. Then it was time for the follow-up meeting with the student counsellor. He'd prepared a letter for me which was very detailed and probably will go a long way in my struggle for money! :)

After the meeting I went straight home ... some things just turned out generally *wrong*, but at least it sort of turned around after a while - which only goes to show - for me - that weekdays are good! On weekdays, bad things turn around and work out, on weekends, the bad things just keep getting worse!
(And yes, I'm just totally overdoing it, and trying to provoke a reaction - sorry guys! *lol*)

I did a bit of baking tonight, for the mentor meeting tomorrow (but it didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to, which was my fault entirely), I've written my side of the letter to CSN, so I'll make the last copies, prints etc later on so I can post it tomorrow. Then I should do a rough plan for the mentor meeting and at least get some studying done!

Take care!

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Weekends = Bad!!

I can't seem to make weekends work out for me no matter what I do! *upset*
Today I've tried everything and a few more things to make it work out, and no matter what I have done, things have gotten worse! :(
I've been in a terrible mood all day, but have really made an effort to change it, to break a pattern, to do stuff ... and nothing has worked!

I don't know what's going on with me and weekends, they just suck!! It's become some kind of weird hang-up for me, and I can't seem to get out of it no matter what I do! Still, things can't go on like that forever either, I have to start making my weekends work ... I just don't know HOW!!! (anybody got any suggestions?!?! *feeling desperate!*)

At least the weekend is over for now, so hopefully the week will work out better ...
My plans for tomorrow are: Old Testament lecture at 10 (haven't made up my mind yet if I'll stay for the whole lecture or just the first half) - then studies in the library, and at 2 I have a meeting with the student counsellor - hopefully he has done his job in writing a letter for me, that way I can finish off my own letter when I get home and start bugging the people responsible for not giving me any money any more ...

That's pretty much all there is ... :)
I'm almost always tired these days, so even though I'd love to watch a movie that's on TV right now, I think I'll go to bed instead!