Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Loved Always. Missed Forever.

This blog entry will be about Zorro. I feel I really want to make a proper entry, about who he was, what he experienced in life, what he and I shared and what he gave me ...

Zorro was born on July 5, 1997 as the oldest of three siblings. After him came his brother Zimba and a sister. They are pure bread and therefore have other, "formal" names as well.
Zorro was Escaroth's Foxy Felix, Zimba was Escaroth's Flossy Filip and the little sister was Escaroth's Fairy Fleur.

My mother had Zimba and Zorro first, she wanted a pair of kittens and having two brothers seemed to be perfect. And I guess it was ... in a way. What nobody expected was the intensity of these two brothers, who made sure to give my mother a run for her money. They certainly entertained themselves in her apartment with both this and that - and got away with a lot because of their adorable looks! :)
I have no idea why, but I somehow connected more with Zorro than I did with Zimba. I loved them both, but Zorro found it easier to come to rest in my lap and was more cuddly towards me than Zimba was.

My Mum moved in 1998 and got a place with a patio out the back. She had a net put in so the cats could be out there ... but that didn't work out so well. Zorro has always been very intense, very friendly toward people but not that fond of other cats ... and when he saw other cats through the net, he went for the cat he could reach - his brother!
We realized they couldn't stay together in 2000, and I found myself being a cat owner! :)

Zorro moved in with me on June 9, 2000 - and at first we were about anxious about this move. He had always been with his brother and we didn't know how he would cope. I made sure to give him 100% of my attention, and for the first few days I basically carried him around my apartment, in order for him to feel safe and loved.
He finally came to peace living with me - and I eventually got used to having a pet! :)

In 2001 (June 12) we moved to southern Sweden, and from what I can remember, Zorro handled the move very well. I was home a lot in the beginning to, and I think that we settled well together. We lived in an apartment that had a garden attached to it, and it was nice to be able to take Zorro out on occasion - even though I had to have him on a leash.

That summer we spent some time in the summerhouse and one morning Zorro managed to run away!! I was SO scared, he'd always been an indoor cat, and the summerhouse is really in the country, with other cats, a road with cars and tractors, nature with lynx (though quite rare) and foxes ... It took several hours but he eventually found his way back (sort of - it's quite a long story!), and I don't think I've ever been so relieved in my entire life!!

I basically crashed in 2001 and was put on sickleave in February 2002 - and part of what held me above the water then was Zorro! He was ALWAYS there for me, and even though I didn't care about myself and I was living in a great big mess, I couldn't let things go completely, because I was responsible for him. He didn't deserve being neglected and he needed food and water, so I at least had to keep some kind of contact with reality, thanks to Zorro!

I slowly worked my way back, and I think the first big turning point came in 2004 when things really started to turn the right way - even though I had a long way to go yet.
Around this time Zorro and I had a nasty experience in our garden. We had a fairly new neighbour who had bought a Labrador puppy ... I was out with Zorro on a leash, when the puppy came rushing up to us - without a leash!!! Zorro was completely hysterical, and I went into a state of panic. The only thing in my head was getting Zorro inside - but trying to handle a cat that is hysterical is not really a good idea - so he slashed me up pretty good. It was really lucky for me, my mother was down for a visit, because we eventually managed to separate cat and puppy and get Zorro inside - but it was certainly a very very nasty experience!!

In May 2005 we moved to the current apartment, in a town about 20 km away. Zorro didn't care for this move at all, he didn't feel well!! He was very upset whenever I left the apartment, and he almost stopped eating for a while, which was quite disturbing. Eventually he got used to this new place, and I think he liked it a lot in the end. There's a balcony, which we put a net on so he could go out there without me being afraid for him.

I went back to full time studies in 2006 and while I've had some set backs (some bigger than others) basically my life is working out now ... and I have Zorro to thank for SO MUCH!!
He was been there always, no matter what! I have done some not-so-great things over the years, I have made some bad decisions every now and again, but no matter what, he has always waited for me at home, with a huge heart and unconditional love - no matter what!
I think we had a pretty special relationship from the start, early on I bonded with him rather than with Zimba, and I have had several people tell me (when they've seen me and Zorro together) that we share something special.
Also because he was with me during an extremely difficult period in my life, we connected in a very deep way. Add to this the fact that I have always lived alone and has not been in a serious relationship, Zorro and I have truly bonded. He wasn't always very sweet and did everything perfectly, we fought on occasion, I yelled at him and was annoyed at him (and he was probably quite annoyed with me too at times!) but when it really mattered, we were there for each other.

Lately I have started taking him on the train to visit my families and the summerhouse, and it has worked out really really well - and I think he really really trusted me!! He could get agitated and nervous, but when he saw that I was there, he felt me and smelled me, he calmed down. I am very happy that I was able to be there for him during that last hour, and that he could fall asleep in my lap that last time ...

I think my life is going in the right way now - a lot of things haven't worked out lately but I think I know why now and I think I know what I need to work on in order to work it out - and I have Zorro to thank for a lot of this. I'm not saying he did it all, I have fought a lot on my own, and I have gotten help from others as well, but I don't think I had gotten through things in the way I have, if I hadn't had Zorro!

People have asked me - before I had to put Zorro to sleep - if I should get another animal when Zorro wasn't around any more. Many people who have animals and enjoy that, want to continue having animals, and when you have gone through your grieving process after one animal, you want another one.
I have been a bit reluctant, mostly because my current life situation isn't exactly animal-friendly ... but after yesterday, I know I do not want another animal, at least not in a very very long time. And I also know why.
It's because I never felt "I had an animal" before. "I had Zorro." It was HIM, very distinctly HIM - and no matter what, I can never ever have him again. And to be honest, if I can't have him, I don't think I want anybody else. (yes, I know this might be a natural reaction and I might change my mind - but somehow I doubt I will change my mind ....)

So THANK YOU ZORRO for being a part of my life for such a long time.
I Will Love You Always And Miss You Forever.


The Darkest Night said...

A really beautiful tribute to Zorro! He sure was a special cat!

Dakota said...

What a wonderful tribute!!
The photos are so cool and beautiful!

Rest in peace Zorro!

Jessica said...

Thank you both! I felt I wanted to share a bit more about him, and his life and our relationship ...

Darren Anderson said...

I'm really sorry about Zorro :(

Hope you're okay :)

Jessica said...

Thank you Darren! I'm coping, although it feels quite lonely at the moment ...:(

Jessica said...

Please note that I have removed two comments - I don't think commercial messages are suitable comments on this entry!

Dakota said...

Spam/commercial messages are so annoying...
and not suitable as comments - especially not
on a wonderful tribute like this!

Jessica said...

Thanks Dakota ... yeah, at least one of the messages kind of upset me ... since it was another blogger (that I don't know!) trying to promote his/her blog! I really don't find that appropriate in this kind of entry!