Saturday, 15 January 2011

2 months

I had originally planned to follow up on my 2010-entry with one focusing on what lies ahead during 2011 ... but as soon as this week started I felt like I was stuck in complete chaos, and that entry never happened.
I do hope to make a summarizing entry tomorrow about this week and a bit about what lies head.

Today though, it's been 2 months since Zorro passed away. It's been a difficult day (and a strange one at that!) ... I know I shouldn't try to really write about how I feel, because at the moment I can't seem to know what or how I do feel.
Most people I've been talking to lately keep telling me it's good I'm keeping busy (although I might be a bit too busy right now ...), I need to focus on my life right now, and since things are pretty chaotic I won't get stuck in these intense thoughts and feelings involving Zorro.
And I don't know ... maybe they're right.
I do not feel like they are right, to be honest, but than again - maybe I'm too emotional and maybe I don't know what is best for me.

At the moment I feel a need to focus on Zorro, on remembering him - and I don't get a chance to at the moment. Right after he passed away I kept busy ... there were a lot of practical things to do then - my Mum came here for a visit, I had to tell everyone about what happened etc. When my Mum left I basically broke down and spent pretty much days and days just writing in my diary (and crying). From sometime around mid-December it felt like things were going a little bit better, I had a good meeting with the OT professor, I was at Uni and met a friend that I talked to for quite a while, I was on a really interesting seminar that worked out well etc.
Then I went up north to my families for Christmas holidays - and I didn't get much chance to think about my little darling as things were quite intense. I did miss him a lot there as well, but the only time I could allow those feelings to actually come out was when everyone else had gone to bed and I had some time to myself.

Since I've come back here, I feel like my grief has been worse than before Christmas actually ... and that makes me somehow think that maybe I am the kind of person that need to really dive into the difficult feelings instead of trying to push them aside and focus on other things.

But I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. This has been a long day and I'm tired and have a headache at the moment, so I'm not sure how much sense I'm making right now ...

But fact of the matter is, it has been 2 months and I still feel like I've been torn apart - and it seems impossible to accept the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without Zorro ...

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