Tuesday, 15 March 2011

A Difficult Day

There are days
There are days when your life clouds over
and the world gets so dark
that all at once you can't tell night from day

There are times
When your heart cries this isn't happening
But the truth is cold and real
and I know the storm
won't go away
"Now that I've seen her", Miss Saigon

Yes, today has been a difficult day, as it has now been four months since I said my last good bye to Zorro.
I am trying to cope with my grief, but it's not easy. I honestly had no idea this would affect me as much as it has, while he was still alive I know I kept telling myself that he was old, if something happened to him - which it was bound to do sooner or later - I wouldn't hesitate because he'd had a good, and long life ... but now afterwards there are so many other emotions involved.

Even things that felt completely clear right after he passed away are now more difficult to handle. I know I felt I had made the right decision for everyone involved but now I'm starting to wonder. Maybe I should have discovered something sooner ... maybe he was in pain ... maybe I didn't take my responsibility 100%.

I find it difficult to express my feelings and I have realized, even more after Zorro passed away, how extremely different people feel and react to various things. I'm not only talking about grief now, even though that is what I'm dealing with now, but in basically everything everyone reacts differently. I think I have gained a deeper understanding of that, and also a respect for that variety - but it also leaves me feeling very much alone. As I tend to feel I don't understand how most people around me react and deal with things, I can't expect them to understand me either ...

I won't delve to deeply into all of this as it tends to be very abstract and not say much of anything. I have spent most of today thinking of my darling, of course, even though I took a short trip to Uni to attend the Hebrew lecture, which provided me with at least some distraction.

Last night I dreamed we were together,
Sharing all the love we've known;
Till I had to face the nightmare,
Of waking up alone.
"On the Inside" (Theme to 'Prisoner: Cell Block H')