This is a difficult entry for me, I have thought about writing it for a long time but I have also debated with myself whether I really should write it, or just let it be.
Obviously I have decided to write it now, but that doesn't make it any the less difficult.
I am still very much grieving for Zorro - and for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't. On March 15 it will have been four months since I said my last good bye to him and somehow I feel like it is expected of me to have, at least to a great extent, moved on now. That it is okay for me to miss him, but it's not really okay to feel grief - that painful sharp overwhelming grief - but I do still feel that.
I don't think I go through much more than an hour at a time, without thinking about Zorro, and it hurts, it hurts more than I can describe.
I personally think that I haven't had time to deal with this grief in the way that I need to. I did get about a month right after Zorro died, but during that time I felt it was enough just trying to survive. But since Christmas, I have had to push all thoughts and feelings aside, or else I was afraid I was going to break down completely.
I spent Christmas with my families, and naturally, Christmas is supposed to be a fun holiday, you can't let anything on in front of the kids etc. When I got back home I had to finish an exam in record time (on a course I was totally NOT interested in!), and on top of that deal with all the preparations for the renovations.
When I got my exam done it was basically time for me to move out, and for the next three weeks when I didn't live at home, I had my hands full trying to cope with everyday life.
And now that grief has caught up with me ... I am in so much pain over Zorro, and I can't help but feeling, I don't know, like there's something wrong with that. I don't feel like it's "okay", generally speaking, to be as upset as I am - meaning I'm trying to live my life like "everything is fine" - but it isn't. I'm constantly having minor breakdowns over this, and I still can't quite grasp the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without Zorro - without feeling him, without hearing him, without talking to him.
I didn't sleep at all last night, when I got in bed, suddenly all the events of November 15 came back, and it was like it happened yesterday. I was amazed at how extremely clear the memory of that day is, still. I remember every tiny little detail, from the telephone call in the morning to my arrival home, empty handed, to a large, empty, silent, dead apartment.
I know every single person handles grief in a different way, and I don't expect everyone to completely understand how I feel, because odds are, I won't completely understand how they are coping with grief. I still felt I wanted to share this, mostly because of this persistent feeling I have that it is somehow "not okay" to be grieving after so long time. But I have to say, I don't feel less grief now than I did in November and December. I can do things, let my life go on, but in many ways I did that back then as well. Granted, I spent a lot of time writing during the second half of November, I basically didn't do much else, except writing, but during December I did do things and "function", at least sort of. And I feel exactly the same way now.
I go to lectures and I read and I plan mentor meetings and I talk to people and I try to deal with the construction workers - but I am in constant pain while doing it - and like I wrote in the beginning ... not much more than an hour can pass, without me thinking about Zorro.
People tell me time heals, and somewhere deep inside I guess I know it does. I guess I just feel like it's expected of me to have healed more than I really have right now.