Monday, 7 March 2011


This is a difficult entry for me, I have thought about writing it for a long time but I have also debated with myself whether I really should write it, or just let it be.
Obviously I have decided to write it now, but that doesn't make it any the less difficult.

I am still very much grieving for Zorro - and for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't. On March 15 it will have been four months since I said my last good bye to him and somehow I feel like it is expected of me to have, at least to a great extent, moved on now. That it is okay for me to miss him, but it's not really okay to feel grief - that painful sharp overwhelming grief - but I do still feel that.
I don't think I go through much more than an hour at a time, without thinking about Zorro, and it hurts, it hurts more than I can describe.

I personally think that I haven't had time to deal with this grief in the way that I need to. I did get about a month right after Zorro died, but during that time I felt it was enough just trying to survive. But since Christmas, I have had to push all thoughts and feelings aside, or else I was afraid I was going to break down completely.
I spent Christmas with my families, and naturally, Christmas is supposed to be a fun holiday, you can't let anything on in front of the kids etc. When I got back home I had to finish an exam in record time (on a course I was totally NOT interested in!), and on top of that deal with all the preparations for the renovations.
When I got my exam done it was basically time for me to move out, and for the next three weeks when I didn't live at home, I had my hands full trying to cope with everyday life.

And now that grief has caught up with me ... I am in so much pain over Zorro, and I can't help but feeling, I don't know, like there's something wrong with that. I don't feel like it's "okay", generally speaking, to be as upset as I am - meaning I'm trying to live my life like "everything is fine" - but it isn't. I'm constantly having minor breakdowns over this, and I still can't quite grasp the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without Zorro - without feeling him, without hearing him, without talking to him.

I didn't sleep at all last night, when I got in bed, suddenly all the events of November 15 came back, and it was like it happened yesterday. I was amazed at how extremely clear the memory of that day is, still. I remember every tiny little detail, from the telephone call in the morning to my arrival home, empty handed, to a large, empty, silent, dead apartment.

I know every single person handles grief in a different way, and I don't expect everyone to completely understand how I feel, because odds are, I won't completely understand how they are coping with grief. I still felt I wanted to share this, mostly because of this persistent feeling I have that it is somehow "not okay" to be grieving after so long time. But I have to say, I don't feel less grief now than I did in November and December. I can do things, let my life go on, but in many ways I did that back then as well. Granted, I spent a lot of time writing during the second half of November, I basically didn't do much else, except writing, but during December I did do things and "function", at least sort of. And I feel exactly the same way now.
I go to lectures and I read and I plan mentor meetings and I talk to people and I try to deal with the construction workers - but I am in constant pain while doing it - and like I wrote in the beginning ... not much more than an hour can pass, without me thinking about Zorro.

People tell me time heals, and somewhere deep inside I guess I know it does. I guess I just feel like it's expected of me to have healed more than I really have right now.


Alexandra said...

Det tar tid! Mycket längre än man tror och vill, det är så det funkar. Kram

The Darkest Night said...

Grief has a way of taking its can be blocked from our memory for a while, but it doesn't go away until we deal with it.

In a way I don't think it ever goes away, we just in some way get used to living with pain.

I do think thinking about it and talking about it helps some, and after a while the memory is not only painful anymore.

Try not to care what other people think. You lost someone important to you, and you have the right to be sad about it.

Take care! hugs

Jessica said...

Alexandra: Du har helt rätt, förstås ... Det är arbetsamt att det tar tid, men det kan jag nog inse och ta till mig, jag tycker mest det är jobbigt att det känns som jag hela tiden måste få det att se ut som jag inte längre är berörd av det - samtidigt som det känns som jag håller på att gå sönder inombords.

The Darkest Night:
Thank you for your comment. I know I shouldn't worry about everyone else, but I have a tendency to do that anyway ...
I honestly haven't had a chance to deal with my grief, at least not in a way that I feel I need to, since things have been so insane here the last few months. I'm hoping to - even though things are still intense - take that time now, because honestly, I don't think I'll cope trying to push everything aside now, I've been doing it for several months and it just won't work any more ...