Friday, 13 May 2011


If I had to shortly summarize my life at the moment, I'd say: STRESS!
Yesterday was a really bad day for me ... While nothing bad happened - I did in fact had a good day - I just kept stressing out completely over everything, and that was quite rough! Things are definitely intense now, and next week - but today I've managed to slow myself down a little ... Deep inside I do realize that things won't work out better if I'm stressing around like an idiot!

Yesterday was basically lectures and lunch + mentor planning with Elisabet! Then I ended up talking to a whole lot of people, and I have such mixed feelings about that ... For SOOOOO long, the social arena has been the hardest part of my life, and I've felt that every time I've even had the slightest chance to do something in that area, I've had to take it. For years, I have prioritized "talking to people" over studies, which might sound really strange and borderline insane, but with the problems I've had, that was the right thing to do! I could always manage my studies one way or another - but the social interaction was a completely different story.

Things have obviously changed now (duh!!), and the social area is working like a dream, for someone with a background of about 25 years of social phobia!! And still, I can't quite change my priorities now ... I know that my social life, especially at the Department, is solid now, and if I dodge a conversation or two, it won't be the end of the world - so at this point in my life I really think I should prioritize my studies. But the need and satisfaction of actually being able to have a casual conversation that works out well, it's like drugs to me, I can't get enough of it, I just want more and more and more! :) I guess it's not that strange when you think about it - but now, it does cause these mixed feelings!
I don't feel I can give up and walk away from possible social interaction - and yet I feel bad for not studying enough...

Stressing out like I did yesterday made me completely exhausted, and while I really tried to get things done, it was virtually impossible. The last straw came late last night, when I finally got around to start my baking project (we had the last mentor meeting today), and I completely messed up two batches! By then, it was about 11 p.m. and I'd run out of ingredients - so I had to buy bread on my way to Uni today ... *sigh*

Today has been better, mostly I think because I actually managed to let go a little of the whole stress thing ...
I got some studying done at the Library in the morning and at 10 we had lectures. That was actually the last "real" lecture for the semester, which feels very strange. Next week it will only be lectures on Tuesday on Friday, and on Tuesday there will be a sort of seminary discussion on a book and Friday will be a "closure" of the course, general questions, evaluations etc. And the week after that has three full days of seminars (they're writing an interpretation of an OT text and have to defend it in a seminar) - and that's it. Then they only have the last exam left - and I've seen yet another batch of students struggle through this course! :)

After lectures today we had the last mentor meeting and I think it worked out well, I hope the students felt that as well.
I ended up talking a little to Elisabet afterwards, before heading home. I usually have a "down-period" around 3-6 p.m. every afternoon - but tonight I have gotten a bit of work done on the Covenant ....
I plan to study all day tomorrow - and then take Sunday as a "reflection-day". I way behind on my personal writing now and there are lots of things I need to deal with - and of course there will be a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions about Zorro that I will have to take on then, I've been trying to push them aside now, to cope with the week - but I can't do that too long, and I think Sunday is a suitable day to delve into that ...

Wishing all the blog readers a Great Weekend! :)

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