An Addict Living In A Bottle!

You think the title sound weird? That's nothing compared to what I'm feeling right now!
But the title did have a purpose, so I'll do my best in explaining it! :)

First of all - I'm an addict! I kind of knew before, started realizing it yesterday and it was totally confirmed today. Now, not to fret ... it's not drugs! Or alcohol! You have one guess left!
That's right: COFFEE!
I don't drink much, actually, so I'll give myself credit for that! Even now in total-full-extreme-study-mode I generally don't drink more than two or three cups a day, which I think is fairly okay! The addiction part comes in the morning ....
I wake up, pretty much all the time, feeling soooo grumpy and angry and generally pissed off at everything, my life is hopeless and everything is terrible. Give me two mouthfuls of coffee, and there I am feeling the world might not be such a bad place after all, and I should start doing what I am supposed to be doing!
I don't think it's that bad considering I don't drink way to much (although I know I should learn to eat something before that coffee .... ), but it's kind of scary to see the radical change in my mood!

Over to the other part of the title: Me Living In A Bottle!
I really feel like I do! I'm not going out, I'm hardly answering my phone, my apartment is probably the most horrid looking place in southern Sweden right now, because I never can get away from studying for a long enough time to clean it up ... It feels weird! It really does feel like I'm living in some Old Testament/Hebrew bubble that I can't get out of! Now I know this is the last few days of this entire semester, and I'm actually not feeling way too down (just had my coffee, so now I'm civil again! ) - but it does feel strange! I know it will change after Thursday, so it's not the end of the world!

One thing that does not feel so good though, is what happens after Thursday! Well, I guess it is good, but in a way it's not! (Okay, if you expect me to be all rational and not at all confusing right now - you're expecting way to much of me!!)
I have my last exam on Thursday and I've set aside Thursday and Friday for my own days! I need to relax after all this, but first and foremost I need to summarize and deal with this semester, because it has been ... probably the most eventful and developing months of my life - and I need to deal with that properly!
On Saturday I'll head up to Gothenburg, my Dad will meet me there, and I take his car (he takes the train back), so I have a car here for my trip to the summerhouse.
Saturday afternoon and Sunday will be CLEANING DAYS! It feels like I should rip the paint off the walls in order to get it properly cleaned ... but I guess I'll settle with the usual stuff! :)
Then, sometime during next week - not too late, say Wednesday or Thursday (might be Thursday ...) I will head up north, and for now it looks like I'll be staying threre throughout July, but come home for good at the beginning of August. I rather like that solution, I won't be going back and forth, and if I can get back here in the beginning of August, I'll have about three weeks vacation at home before Uni starts again.
The problem part with this solution is that I will hardly get to see any of my friends before August!!! I've been Miss Completely Boring this semester, and especially now, since I've studied so much. Late May and June has been the worse because everybody has finished their studies and are hanging out and celebrating, and all I'm doing in translating Hebrew hymns ... *sigh* I do really really really hope I can fit in as many friends as possible in the beginning of next week - even if it will be nothing big, but I hope I can spend at least a few hours with some of them before I disappear! I guess I should start emailing and see how many I can fit in in a day, right?! *lol* (Anybody reading this and wants to squeeze in some time in the beginning of next week (might work Sunday too, if we're not at my place! *lol*), feel free to let me know!)

Okay, now I've been sitting here for almost 15 minutes and longer breaks than that are not allowed. Back to Hymn 77 now, before next break! :)
Take care, guys!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament, Walter Brueggemann
Currently watching: Angel season 1 - if I ever turn on the TV
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Well DUH! Studies - also meeting a professor for some 'mini-exam-thing'.

Confusing!

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night

('Music of the Night', Phantom of the Opera)

The lyrics seemed appropriate since I have desperately tried to turn day-and-night around now, in order to hopefully survive my exams next week. The heat has lasted very long now, and I'm getting totally fed up with it!! I don't usually like the heat, and being under the pressure of heaving studying and a really really important exam, didn't make it any easier!
However, not so simple to turn the day around ... I could do that a lot easier when I was younger. However, I did try to study until about midnight (though it was soooo hot inside, it was hardly possible to concentrate. I had intended to sleep on my couch with the balcony door open - which wasn't possible since Zorro was completely insane! I gets crazy sometimes during the day too, but if it's open at night, he gets completely insane!

["Lose it…it meant go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of one’s faculties, three fires short of a happy meal…WACKO!"] (quote from Stargate SG-1, "Window of Opportunity" ... very funny episode! )

So - forgive my little outburst - I had to close, but at least managed to get up at 4.30, at which time we only had about 16 degrees outside (still had about 27 or more inside though) [click here for a Celcius-Farenheit Convertor]. I opened up and has managed to study for almost 3 hours this morning - now I had to take a nap - and now I'm sitting here trying to wake up, while Zorro has one of his insano-attacks! I really do hope I can turn the day around now, becuase I won't have to be anywhere until Wednesday morning ... so hopefully I can get a lot of studying done at night, when I at least will be able to breathe ....

Now I'm starting to feel guilty about not studying, so I'd better get back to it!
Take care! And wish me luck!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament, Walter Bruggemann
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 5
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow:??? (studies .... )

Way Too Hot!

I've really suffered from the heat today, I don't know if it's just me, or if it's really been the worse day yet - but I've felt awful!!!
I don't like the heat on a normal day, and now I have to study and stay focused all the time, it's just horrible! Also, I had to keep my balcony door closed all morning, as Zorro made me look like a complete idiot in fron of all my neighbours first thing I got up ... thank you very much!

I have gotten a bit of studying done, but not as much as I had hoped - it doesn't matter wether I sit with the books or not, because my concentration levels are way down! Very annoying, since I really am truly motivated - despite the fact that I'm tired and it's been a very long and intese semester - but I can't seem to get stuff done in this heat no matter how motivated I am!

Okay, enough complaining - sorry guys! I can't change the weather, no matter how much I want to - so I'm just gonna have to do the best I can! They have promised lower temperatures from Monday, so I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for that!

Not much else to blog about, since my days now are mostly Bible, Bible and oh yeah, the Bible!


Today's Blog Dedication: To my Grandmother (on my Dad's side), who passed away almost 13 years ago. Today would have been her 97th birthday!!

This is my favourite photo of me and my Grandmother. I was unsure of when it was taken, but luckily there was a date on the back, it was taken in August 1983.



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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament, Walter Bruggemann
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 5
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies - and running errands

Okay Mood-Wise ...

I am actually in a pretty good mood, despite the fact that this day hasn't gone according to plan.
I'm sleeping very poorly now, I blame it on the heat ... even though I try to keep the balcony door open as late as I can, I still never ever get under 27 degrees (about 81 F), and the sun starts shining into my bedroom at about 3.30 in the morning ... yay ... not!
My morning was more or less 'not' ... I was completely out-of-it, so I ended up staying home instead of studying at Uni.

I did get a fair bit of studying done, but the annoying part is that everything is taking FOREVER to finish, which makes me feel totally stressed out. I also tend to be very up-and-down when I'm translating Hebrew - when I can't work it out I get super-frustrated and totally upset, and when I do work it out, I'm thrilled beyond the telling of it. No regular levels here! ;)

This afternoon I was running some errands, among other things I was going to a newly opened store a bit north of town ... and it ended up a bummer. We've gotten so many great offers from there, but once I got there, it was completely invaded (and they have been opened for about a week now!), and I couldn't find anything ... so that was an unneccessary outing.

Now I'm home, and hoping the weather will cool off a bit tonight, so I can get a few hours more studying done! Seriously starting to feel freaked out about this exam rigth now, so I'd better just forget about everything (well almost, I have some stuff I will not forget about) and just STUDY like an idiot for five days and hope for the best!

Today's Blog Dedication: Not so much a blog dedication as sending my thoughts and love to a friend who's recieved some really bad news today! I'll always be here for you!! *hugs*

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 5
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES!

Mood: Improved!

My mood has been better today ... though I guess it hardly could get any worse than yesterday! :)
I got up in decent time this morning, and while it's still very hot, I've managed to keep my indoor temperature around 28 degrees - which is better than 30-32, right?! *a little ironic smile*

I arrived at Uni at about a quarter to ten, and was soon deeply involved in translating hymns. Time practically flew by, which I guess is both good and bad. Good in the sense that I didn't feel it was very boring at all - and bad in the sense that everything took forever ... and I don't really have 'forever' to prepare ...

My Hebrew group took their final exam today, and I was keeping my fingers crossed for them, and hoping it wouldn't be a totally horrible exam. Lena had promised to let me know when she finished, and she showed up after a while. She wasn't thrilled - but I still have a very strong feeling she's done really well! :)
A couple of other students showed up as the hours passed, and I still can stop and just be amazed at how well my social situation is going now ... I'm talking to people, and people - other students - are actually stopping to talk to me!! Something that was virtually impossible - and I really, really mean that!! - some two years ago! I will definately have to take some time to reflect on this entire semester after my exam is done ... both here - and I know my Swedish blog will be getting several entries on what's been going on the last few months ... and I'm also planning on setting aside something like 8-10 hours for writing in my regular diary! :)

Anyway, I stayed at Uni studying until about 2.30 ... I was completely exhausted and felt a little down as I hadn't gotten as much done as I'd hoped! When I left I noticed the library will go on 'summer opening hours' from next week, meaning they will only be open 10-2 ... what a rip-off!! Not much point in going to Uni then, I guess ... have to study at home instead ...

I went down to Malmö to meet a good friend - but it turned into a great mix-up ... we met eventually and had a lovely chat ...
I was hardly able to get home though, aparently there had been a fire in a train-set during the afternoon so there were some heavy dealys and I wasn't home until 7 p.m. For some unknown reason, Zorro has been totally calm and quiet tonight - I don't get it!?!? Not that I'm complaining, definately not, I'm just very surprised!
So to honor this, som pictures of my little darling:







I'm planning the last full-day at Uni tomorrow, so I'm gonna try to get to bed soon ... unfortunately - despite the balcony door has been open since I got home - my bedroom feels like a tropical island (minus the beach, the ocean and the lovely drinks!!), so I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to sleep much ....

Today's Blog Dedication: To the Hebrew group I've been studying with this semester, for completing their final exam! *YAY* I really hope you all did very well!!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament, Walter Bruggemann
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 5
Currently listening to: Standing, Once More With Feeling (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
My Plans for tomorrow: Full-study-day at Uni, shopping at a newly-opened store a bit north of town.

Stupid Superficial Problems!

I've had a really terrible day today, and while I realize that it's all small stupid superficial problems that shouldn't bother nobody at all - my mood has gone downhill from minute one ....
So here's me using my right as the owner of this blog to whine about unimportant problems: Thank You! (you have been warned! )

We're going through a major heat wave here - and I hate it!! I know there are lots and lots of places in the world with far greater temperatures, and all I can say is I admire people who can live there and not go completely insane. I've had over 30 degrees (~86 F) inside today, and I can't stand it!!! I'm sitting in my couch staring out into nothing and not moving a muscle - except the occasional blink, which, for the record, I cannot control! - and I'm sweating like a big, fat pig!! Also, experiencing some serious breathing difficulties today - not fun!!

I know I have to study 24/7 now, if I'm going to get through these last few days, but this morning I simply HAD to spent going over yesterday and everything connected to that - including diary, photos, blogging etc.
And after that it was lunch time and the heat had really set. And there's not a chance in HELL (haha, very funny, I feel like I'm there already!!) I'm sitting translating Hebrew verb forms when I can't even breath! But God only knows how this will end!
More than anything, after last night's lovely celebration, I want to do well on my oral exam - but I'm not sure how I'm gonna manage that if I can't even study!!

Also some annoying personal stuff has come up - and things turned into a great big mess when my Dad and I tried to work out how to shift cars, and book tickets and it was just ... something SO simple - one train ticket, one bus ticket, that's it - use the cheapest option that works in time - turned into something extremely complicated ... which didn't help my breathing abilities, nor the heat-induced headache I've been having for company all day ....

I still feel terrible about having such a disagreement with Zorro last night, and yet I can't help but feel so annoyed with him I could just go on screaming on top of my lungs for hours and hours and hours .... which is pretty much all he's doing these days ... I really wander what our neighbours thinks about us ....

Okay, this is me officially complaining like an idiot about unimportant stupid little problems! Deal with it - I am!
And keep your fingers crossed I'll have a better day tomorrow!!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament, Walter Bruggemann
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 5
Currently listening to: Nothing - it's too hot!
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies at Uni, supporting my fellow Hebrew students who take their final exam, meeting a friend in Malmö

A Very Intense Day!

Yesterday was very intense - I had hoped to be able to write a proper blog entry when I got home yesterday, but there was no way ... (not only due to the intensity, but also because of extreme heat, severe headache and an insane cat). I should have studied since something like 4 a.m. this morning - but I have spent most of the time in my diary (won't go into it all here, but there were some personal stuff going on yesterday as well)!

And here I am trying to blog as well! :)

I arrived at Uni at about half past ten yesterday morning, and I did manage to get some translatino done - at least I feel I'm more efficient sitting there studying than here, so I guess I'm gonna have to take the 9-5 days at Uni that I can now.
Around lunch, Sara came by, she'd just finished the very last moment on her very last essay on her very last course at the Theology Depratment - and she got the high grade, VG! CONGRATULATIONS, Sara!!! :) It was really GREAT seeing her, and I hope we can find a time to celebrate when my semester is over too!!

We had the very last lecture at 1.15 - not just the last lecture on the course or during the semester, it was actually the very last teaching lecture this professor will ever have, as he will be retiring in October. And that felt rather special! Also, just before we started, there was some commotion by the door, and in walked the head of the Faculty along with another Old Testament/Hebrew teacher and a few of the academic staff ... they did a little speach and handed over champagne and flowers ... sooo nice! :D It was actually a really nice moment, and I'm very happy to have been a part of it!!
The lecture flew by without me hardly noticing it, and then we had about three hour to kill before our little 'get-together' at 6. Lena and I was supposed to study ... yeah right! We ended up doing way more talking then studying! :)
When the clock started heading toward 6, I started getting some major anxiety (had experienced a little before as well) - but the weird thing was ... well, first of all, the anxiety in itself didn't bother me so much, and I think that was because the second weird thing, namely that I realized I hadn't experienced this kind of anxiety in months!! That is almost an indescribable feeling for me, and it means sooo much!! Truly amazing!!
When we were supposed to meet the other students, we met up with our professor, and then there was a great big mix-up with where we were supposed to be, and how to get there (within the building, but it was still very complicated!) and we nearly ended up getting locked out in a staircase! *lol*

Finally everybody ended up in the right place, and we got to meet the professor's wife, a very nice lady indeed!! They had ordered catering, so a large table full of yummy food awaited us - very nice indeed!! After a while, me and two other girls slipped out to get the present ready ... we bought everything last week, and they had put a lovely looking basket together during the weekend. They had thought of a few words to say, but I soooo wasn't ready for that and felt I really wouldn't cope!! The anxiety that I had dealt with earlier crept up a number of steps!! But instead we decided they would say a few words first, and instead I would be the one handing the basket over. I do NOT like to be in the center like that, but that still felt okay ... somehow ...
And so we did! :) It was a great moment, being able to give him that gift, and we also had a lovely time when we tried to force him to read the card - where we all had struggled hard to write our own name in Hebew lettering! *LOL* For some reason he wouldn't read it all out loud, but he was sure he would "decrypt" it all later! :)

We had a really lovely time, me and Lena left at about 8 - and then there was a great big mess with the trains, so we couldn't leave town before 9.20 (!!) ... so I guess we could have stayed longer ... but we had a really great time at the train station, talking serious stuff and laughing our heads off - more or less at the same time! :) (Despite the fact that an extraordinary amount of fraight trains decided to come along and interrupt us every 3 minutes or so!)
I really have to say I feel very lucky and very greatful for having found my 'place in life', more or less, I keep finding people I get along with, people I can trust, people I can talk to and people I can be open towards! I've never felt that before now ("now", read the last 1-1½ years!), and that is a fantastic feeling!

When I got home, the built-up anxiety along with extreme exhaustion and extreme heat, made me kind of loose it! I felt I HAD to open the balcony door (I had nearly 30 degrees inside!!), but of course Zorro went completely insane, and I became more or less insane too ... and then of course felt horrible about it and burst out in tears!
This ended up with me having to close the door - meaning I had to try to sleep in 30 degree-heat - it did not go well!

That along with the entire day yesterday - and some personal issues that had to be dealt with in my diary - has meant that studies will be done this afternoon and there will be no studying at Uni today .... I feel a bit bad about it, but I still know deep inside that if I hadn't gotten all this out, I wouldn't have been able to focus on studies anyway!

Loooong entry ... just one more thing before I sign off. I (and Lena helped!) managed to take a few pictures yesterday, and I also got some in the mail from Johanna - and I've uploaded them to a Picasa Webalbum. I didn't want to publish them here, in a public blog, without permission from everyone, but if you feel you want to see them, please let me know and send me your email address - and I will send you the link. That way the pictures won't circulate the internet .... You can either contact me by leaving a comment here, or send me an email (my 'official' online email address is: jessiezorro@gmail.com).


Today's Blog Dedication: I have double blog dedications now actually - and they are really for yesterday, but I hope that's okay anyway:

• Sara - for finishing her studies in such a remarkable way! Congratulations!!!!!
  
• Professor Sten Hidal, for completing his last teaching lecture, after 40 years (or 33, depending on how you count, right?!) of teaching. Good Luck with future projects!
  

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament, Walter Bruggemann
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 4
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: ---

Studies, Studies And More Studies!

Sorry about the totally boring title, but it does feel accurate oday ...
I did get a rather late start, due to some terrible dreams just before I woke up - but since then I've been fairly disciplined, and got some translations done, as well as finished one of the books I'm supposed to read ... so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm feeling very split now, I'm really sick and tired of constantly stressing and never feeling that you do enough, so I totally wish this semester would be over SOON - but on the other hand, I really need more time to prepare properly, if I'm going to finish this semester in a satisfactory way ... very confusing indeed!

Tomorrow will be a very long day for me - so I fele a little bad for Zorro ...
I will head into town tomorrow morning, hopefully I'll at the Department when the Library opens, so I can maximize my studies there!
We have the last Old Testament lecture ever (*a little sentimental now*) 1-3 p.m. and then we're off for a 1½-2 hour break before our little 'get-together'. I'm very much looking forward it, I think it was a very generous offer of our professor - and we've got a little something for him too! :) It will feel strange knowing he won't teach again, and a great loss for the Department, but still nice to have a proper good-bye ... though I'm going to take my oral exam for the same professor on June 12th, so I guess it's not really a good-bye for me!

I don't know when I'm coming home tomorrow night, but hopefully I've been fairly disciplined during the day, and gotten quite a lot of work done!

Take care!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Actually between books!!
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 4
Currently listening to: Donnez, donnez - Les Misérables Original French Concept Album
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies, OT lecture, 'party'!!

In A Bad Mood!

This has not exactly been a great day! I didn't sleep well - again! - and I overslept and everything felt awkward. I tried "correcting" my bad mood, by running a bunch of errands I've been putting off for quite some time, but it didn't make me feel much better, and I ended up being overly tired afterwards, which meant less studying!
I can really tell I am completely exhausted now, because every little thing tends to feel really hard!! Add to that a bad case of pollen allergies (I usually feel a little every spring, but this year it's been pretty bad - I guess we've had a lot of pollen now, and I'm very tired and therefore more susceptible) and a suspicion of a lurking cold ... I've had a "cold-kind of headache" all day today, as well as the start of a sore throat - so yeah, BAD mood!


I really know I don't have much to complain about, things could be so much worse, and a lot in my life is actually better now than I ever could have dreamed of ... but I guess I sometimes quite can't see that. It's a bit too easy to get wrapped up in whatever is going on at the moment, and more difficult to see to the big picture ...

I'm off to bed now, just hoping tomorrow will be better, both health-wise, mood-wise and also effectively-wise (eh, that's probably not a real word, but you know what I mean, right?!

Today's Blog Dedication: To a close friend of mine, who is currently going through a very hard time. Know that I'm thinking of you!

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Det sårbara livet, Fredrik Lindström
Currently watching: The World Is Not Enough
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow:

Inefficiency And More Pictures!

Today hasn't exactly turned out the way I'd hoped ...
I slept very poorly and dreamed a lot of rather disturbing stuff, so when I stumbled up at 7 a.m. I hardly knew my own name! There was no way I was going to spent the entire day at Uni - and unfortunately, if I'm not there when they open, there's not much point in going (long story, not really in the 'explanation-mood' tonight) ... so I ended up staying home instead.
My tiredness stuck with me, so I haven't gotten as much done as I had hoped. I really am totally stressed out, but I also realize I have to be aware of the fact that it's very natural that I am this tired. Not only because I have a ton of stuff to do and it's the end of the semester, but also because I've been doing stuff all semester that previously has taken me days to recover from!!! I'm thrilled things are going so well now, and I am coping way better than ever before, but I think I do have to accept that even if I'm coping better, things like that still make me tired and weary!

Now I'm hoping for a better night's sleep and hopefully I can be more efficient tomorrow instead! :)

Finishing off with more photos from our outing to Sofiero! Enjoy!







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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Det sårbara livet, Fredrik Lindström
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 4
Currently listening to: Empty Chairs and Empty Tables, Les Misérables Original London Cast
My Plans for tomorrow: STUDIES!