Roller-Coaster-Day!

Today has been another of those "roller-coaster-days", with very high ups and very low downs, leaving me completely drained and very very confused!
As I suspect you've grown accustomed to now, I won't go into detail, but I can at least tell you something about my day!


Okay, we had lectures first thing this morning, and apart from the lecture itself - which would include three presentations and following discussions - I had two things "planned", that I wanted to challenge myself to doing. The first one would actually take place before lectures started, but despite almost perfect conditions and circumstances, I failed ... for some reason I couldn't go through with it!! I don't really know why, becuase circumstances were close to perfect - but I didn't. I know I can't go on blaming myself for it, but in retrospect I am sorry about not following through!

When the lecture started we found out that two of the presentations had been cancelled for various reasons. Okay, that left one presentation... The guy that had it is from Denmark, he's super-nice, but I do have a very hard time understanding him.
Also, for some completely unknown reason, I got into these horrible anxiety attacks!!! With some help, I have started to see what might have been behind them, but the reasons are certainly obscure enough ...when I sat there I had no idea what was going on, except that I had full-blown anxiety-attacks throughout the lecture!!! It was really really horrible, I haven't felt that bad in years!!!

Anyway ... my other "challenge" would take place right after lectures, but since I felt so bad, I sort of decided to ignore it, I just didn't really care!! But once we were done, I changed my mind back again (I told you it had been a confusing day, didn't I???), and decided to try and follow through on my challenge! Despite some minor obstacles, I did go through with it, and it was a success!! Yay me!! This was something I had thought about doing for at least six months, or even more actually, but felt that it was something I would never have the courage to do - so knowing that I did makes me extra happy - it is certainly concrete proof that I have grown and developed a lot in just a short period of time!

The social-thing has also worked amazingly well today!! We're supposed to do this group-project-thing at the end of the course, and I always have huge problems finding people to work with! Well, early on in the course, I sort of talked about it with this girl, and she "sort of" said I could probably be with her and her friends, but there was nothing definate about it, and I felt like an idiot! But today one of the other girls in that group approached me about it, and seemed to think it would be perfectly normal for me to be a part of their group!! Wow!!! I had never in my wildest dreams imagined the social situation to develop so fast!!! It's almost a bit scary actually, it's all happening so fast, and I don't really know what's going on ....

This has, as you've probably understood by now, been a very confusing day! I'm often having these days where some stuff is HORRIBLY BAD and other things is AMAZINGLY GOOD, and it's very hard to deal with, at least I find it difficult to know what exactly is going on at times like that. Anyway, I know now that I have a lot of stuff to be very greatful and happy about, and I truly am, even though other things are a bit more difficult to handle (just to remind you, the "stuff" is still here - I'm guessing that is something that will be with me for a very, very long time!).

Before I bore you all to death with this - again! - confusing entry, I'd like to share a new siggie/avatar set I made tonight!
Hope you all are well!

Jessica's Websites

'Marnie'

I have nothing much to write about today, since it has been rather slow! I was meant to go to work today, but woke up exhausted and with a headache so I decided to give it a miss. I've tried to get some studying done, but it's gone very slow, so I still have some work left to do tonight.

Instead I thought I'd write a little about one of my favourite movies, Marnie, since I got the dvd today! :-)
This is a Hitchcock movie, although maybe not one of his most famous movies. It's extremely well made and actors 'Tippi' Hedren and Sean Connery are marvellous!!
It's hard to label this movie, I guess you would call it a psychological thriller if you have to call it something. The storyline is very compelling and quite daring for its time (it came out in 1964)!

The main character, Marnie ('Tippi' Hedren), is a women who constantly rob her employers, she's almost made a game out of it. She gets a job at a rich firm, awaits her moment, steals a lot of money and disappears. She has lots of aliases and are not likely to get caught. However, she's not a bad person per se, almost all the money she steals goes to her old, sick mother, who knows nothing about how Marnie aquires her money!
One day Marnie gets a job at Rutland & co, where she meets Mark Rutland (Sean Connery). He realizes something is not quite right with Marnie, and the movie centers on his attempts to find out what makes Marnie act the way she does. There are signs of other strange behaviors as well, she's terrified of thunder, she can't stand seeing red color on something white. Mark ends up marrying Marnie, but the wedding night turns out to be rather disturbing.
Mark is determined not to rest until he finds out what all this is about ... and the revealing ending of the movie is quite astounding!!

Despite this being an 'old' movie, it certainly has a lot of qualities and as I've pointed out before, the acting from 'Tippi' Hedren and Sean Connery ... fantastic!!! I love the way we can go through all of Marnie's anxiety, Miss Hedren really plays that so well, you can feel all her agony yourself, and the way she gets a little child's voice whenever something really disturbs her ... very powerful indeed!
I strongly recommend this movie to anyone who hasn't seen it, it's really worth watching!
Enjoy some pictures here below (and don't you agree that Sean Connery is just SOOOO handsome ...) !

I guess I shouldn't sit here much longer, as I still have some reviews to write for tomorrow's lecture. The problem is I'm stuck! I've read the chapters, and I pretty much understand what they're all about - I just can't seem to find anything to write down. I don't know what I think about the stuff, or if I have any critical comments ... I just don't have much to say at all - which constitutes a problem, since I have to hand them in tomorrow ... oops! Guess this will be a long night ...

Also, I'm starting to worry a bit about Friday! We're having lectures 10-12, and that's no big problem! Then, our teacher has aparantly realized that the movie The Matrix has some relevance to the course we're taking now (!!) - I have never seen The Matrix, so I can't say for sure, but I guess I'll have to trust that he knows what he's talking about! Anyway, he's going to arrange it so we can see The Matrix after lectures on Friday, at like 1 p.m. or something - and than he thinks that we should "go out and have a beer and discuss it" ... Okaay ... never saw that "drinking beer" would be part of the sociology course, it kind of feels a bit ... what shall I say ... unorthodox, perhaps! Not many teachers include "beer-drinking" in their curriculum, do they? Kinda cool though ... But, anyway, I feel quite nervous about this whole "beer-drinking-thing", I'm soooo not good - or experienced - at that sort of socializing!! I feel that's it's working better with the other students now, so that's probably not gonna be a great problem, but the "form" of the thing is what I have trouble with ... how to act, what to say, what to do ... I know this sounds utterly stupid to most of you, but the fact is that when you've never done something, you're often rather nervous about it and feel insecure. I have come so far now though, that at least I'm not thinking of how I can get out of it - and that is a huge improvement for me!! I think that had this been suggested six months ago, I would have found an excuse and not gone along - and I will go this time ... even though I'll be horribly nervous about it!! But hey - I was horribly nervous about the presentation too, and I went through with that and no disasters occured!! *cheering myself up now*

Okay, this entry turned out longer than I had expected ... I guess I should go back to writing reviews about stuff I don't have anything to say about now (and if you felt that was confusing - it's nothing compared to how I'm feeling ... )

Take care, guys!


Jessica's Websites

Saving Money!

First of all, let me tell you that I am in a better mood today. The "stuff" or "issues" I've been writing about here earlier are still there, it's not the kind of thing that "if you ignore it, maybe it'll go away!", but at least I feel that it isn't paralyzing me the way it did during the weekend, and I have been able to function fairly well today!

I have come to realize something though! I seriously need to start saving a lot of money now!!! There are SO much I want to do at the moment, and none of it exactly comes cheap so to speak, so I definately need to start watching what I do with my money!
I was really inspired after seeing Les Misérables and Evita this summer and also after the Musical Highlights!-concert I went to last Sunday ... and I definately want to spend as much money as I can on seeing musicals or concerts! It is such a wonderful experience and I really feel like I'm getting energy from doing it. The only problem is that there are SO much avaliable, and naturally I want to see it all!

First of all, I'll be seeing the Best of West End-show in Karlstad when I go to visit my families in November! The day after that, I'm off to Oslo to see Chess - International Tour, with Michael McCarthy ... I can't wait!!!
Then, in the beginning of December, I'm going to Gothenburg to see Cats, I'm totally looking forward to that!! The day after Cats, there's this wonderful Christmas concert here, and I think that it would be lovely to go and see that!
Looking toward 2007 .... in February there is Follies - In Concert in London, with Philip Quast and Maria Friedman ... I want to see it!! And if I go to London, I have to see Les Misérables and Evita ... and possibly some other musical?
Later on, in the end of March, there's a Musical Show Stoppers concert here, starring among others Peter Corry from London!! A definately must!
Also, during the spring, Guys and Dolls will run not long from here, with a great Swedish cast, so it would be great if I could see that as well!
There are also several wonderful spring concerts, I could go to ...

Okay ... I'll stop rambling now, but needless to say, I can't spend a lot of money on trivial stuff like food and clothes!!

Tomorrow, I'll try to go and visit work! I haven't been there for a while now - I did have something else on my mind with this presentation thing!! - so it would be great to go tomorrow! I also need to get started on studies again! Well, after having taken a "break" this weekend, I did start today, but I haven't gotten that much done today, so I need to get into it tomorrow!! I have four assignments that need to be done by Wednesday, so I'd better get on that. Well, it's really three, but I missed handing one in last time, so I really need to finish all four now, so I'll be back on track again after Wednesday!

Since it's not that late, I think I'll try to get at least an hour of studying done tonight!
I made a Les Miz-background image earlier, and I feel quite happy with it actually ... that doesn't happen very often! :-)
Hope you like it too!

Jessica's Websites

Feeling Low!

I have had a rather frustrated day today, and I'm not feeling great at the moment - so I hope you'll forgive this short entry today.

I know I should be really happy right now, I have accomplished a lot and I should be able to relax and really feel happy and proud about what I have done ... but unfortunately I have a hard time doing that. There are certain "stuff" in my life that I can't make heads or tails of at the moment ... no, that's not really true either! I pretty much know what it's all about - there's not much confusion involved, but I am feeling very low and upset!
There are lots of levels to my low mood to. One thing is of course the "stuff" in itself, which is very hard to deal with, but there's also the fact that I know there's nothing I can do to change this situation!! That, of course, adds to the problem! It's hard enough going through a rough time and having to work really hard to get out of it - but finding yourself in a terrible situation where you know you can't do anything at all while at the same time feeling like you can't live the way you do - let's just say that is more than hard.

My life isn't really as rotten as this entry makes it sound, so I have to apologize for that! I am very tired, and I have a hard time writing this ... The fact is that this "stuff" (again!) takes up a lot of my time at the moment and that it is very hard for me to deal with, but on the other hand things are looking up a lot for me generally at the moment! I can see the things I have accomplished and I can be proud of them, absolutely ....

Okay, this turned out to be a very confusing entry, even though I said I wasn't confused ... hrm ... is it possible I am now so confused that I don't even know that I am confused?!?
*God, Jessica, stop this before it gets completely out of hand!!*


Jessica's Websites

Getting Back Into Life

Today has been spent trying to get back into my life again, after having spent the last week deep inside books and not doing much of anything except for studies!
I have managed to get some cleaning done, I have done some catching up in Forums online and stuff like that. I have also finally listened to the Les Misérables concert that aired on October 8th!! Really really wonderful!!! If you want to read a review, click here!

My mood is however not as great as you would expect, unfortunately! I am still more or less exstatic about yesterday, that was a huge landmark in my life, and I feel great about the way the day turned out, no doubt there.
Unfortunately, there are other things in my life that takes up a lot of my thoughts at the moment, and somehow (I don't know why) it takes up even more space that my achievement yesterday! This is not a good thing, obviously, actually it is something that is making me feel quite bad. I'm trying hard to come to terms with it, and deal with it, but unfortunately doesn't rationality have much impact on this problem ... so I'm pretty much left with these bad feelings! When I have anxiety or stuff like that, I know that if I work really hard and totally apply myself, I will feel better. But I have no methods for what's going on in my life right now, and that is hard to accept.
I think I've written somewhere before, that I am a person that needs to take action, to work my way out of a problem, because I have learned that problems never solve themselves while I sit around and do nothing. But in this case there is absolutely nothing I can do! At least nothing that I am aware of! And that is very frustrating and drains you of energy! I have these awful feelings, and all I can do is sit around feeling like shit - there is nothing I can do to make these terrible feelings go away ...


I am trying to see things more positive, and sometimes I succeed too! The fact is my life could be a whole lot worse than it is now - I have accomplished a great deal in just a month now, and I really am both happy and proud about that! I don't mean that my whole life is going to Hell at the moment, but these feelings that I have exist all the time, I'm never free of them, and now - probably because all the anxiety and stress regarding the presentation has gone now - it's hitting me like a brick in the head ...

I am really proud about what I have done, and there's actually nobody that says you should be completely happy either, is it? If I can have happyness and feel proud about yesterday, I guess that in some way I should be able to cope with this other problem as well ... (sometimes easier said than done though ...)

Well, I'll be off writing some more in my regular diary now - when I'm feeling sad and down, that's usually all I have energy to do ...

I hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow!
See ya!


Jessica's Websites

The Accuracy of Horoscopes!

Okay, I know I've already written a blog entry for today, but now I just couldn't help myself!!
I stumbled across a horoscope online, just for fun! I reallydon't believe in them, but sometimes I think it's fun just to read what they say ...
This one said the following :

Growth is a good thing, but you should take a break from pushing yourself right now. Today will not be best spent challenging yourself or starting difficult (if revelatory) conversations. Settle in to a routine right now, and find comfort in doing the same things in familiar patterns. There is something to be said for predictability ... plus, if things never got boring, shaking them up again would not feel nearly as wonderful. Let the dust settle on your newly renovated life.

Okay, I can go with "newly renovated life", because it sort of feels that way! But the fact that I shouldn't have spent the day challenging myself ... yeah right!! I probably managed to overcome the biggest challenge I've had in ten years or more - and I did a good job of it!!

I don't have anything against those who believe in this, but for my part ... it's got absolutely nothing to do with reality! The fact is we create our own lives, we make our own choices and even though we are affected by situations, surroundings and probably most of all, other people - this can not be predicted before hand!
In my humble opinion of course ...

Good night!



Jessica's Websites

Friday the 13th

Right off I want to state that the myth of "unlucky Friday the 13th" does not apply to me, at least not this time!


Though I almost have a hard time coming to terms with this myself, this has been a really good day!! Naturally some stuff could have been better, but what day isn't like that! In short, I did what I was supposed to do, I didn't completely screw up, and I even got some positive back on it!! Amazing!
To tell the truth, I didn't even reach the anxiety levels that I expected either! It was tough, of course, that is obvious ... but there were never that real sense of crisis; "I can't do this! - I have to get away from this!" - I can't stand being in this situation for a second longer!" ... none of that occured!!
Regarding the presentation itself, I have no idea what it was like!! I hardly even heard what I was saying, I don't know if it made much sense, but I really don't think it was completely awful! I got one positive comment on the language I used, a more "familiar" lanugage, instead of something that sounds like a written report (and since I'd made an effort to do that, it was great to hear that I probably succeeded to!). I got another positive comment from one girl, she was mentioning it in passing, but since I've been totally on edge and hyper-aware of everything today, I definately noticed it. She mentioned she'd had some questions regarding my chapter, but stated that "When Jessica explained it, I really understood what they meant" Also, she didn't really say it directly to me, she mentioned it to somebody else, so she can't have said it just to make me feel good ... Also, I heard from my teacher on two separate occasion that he thought it was good, and he's not usually the type to say things just "to be nice", at least I don't think he'd say something if he didn't mean it!
So I guess I didn't do such a bad job after all ....


I have really felt that complete relief I've been dreaming about for days now ... I haven't done a thing this afternoon and it's been more than wonderful! I have a lot of stuff to take care of starting tomorrow, but just this feeling that I did go through with it, I have done this, I have overcome this huge obstacle and I didn't mess it up ... it's a feeling that's beyond description!! Just amazing!! I know I have assigments to write to the coming lectures/presentations as well ... but there will be nothing like this, and I can really sit there knowing that I've already done the big bit ... that's ... wow ....
*** celebrating now ***

I still have a lot of writing to do in my regular diary, it's a lot to digest and come to terms with today, so I think I'd better get on that now!

Take care guys!!




Jessica's Websites

Countdown: 3hours 5 minutes

It's getting closer!!

Despite the figure does'nt look like he's enjoying himself much, I'm not in quite such a bad state yet, even though there aren't that many hours left! I got about 3½ hours solid sleep, which was great, and to my own surprise, I'm still pretty much hanging on to these rational thoughts ... *impressive*
I know I will feel a whole lot worse than this before this thing is over, no doubts there, but I am truly greatful for at least being able to cope the way I am at the moment!

I have to start getting ready, and practice on my presentation, now - I just thought I'd give you a quick update!
I'm not sure when I will gather the energy to write here again, or what that entry will be like, but I guess you'll just have to wait and see, right?!

Seeya!



Jessica's Websites