Taking A Break!

I think I might have to take a break from blogging right now.
I am notfeeling well at all, and things are definately not going right at the moment.
I don't feel like there is any point in blogging, because I won't really have anything to say, except moan about how awful I feel, and how bad things are. And nobody likes to read those kinds of things day after day, do they?

I hope I can come back with more pleasant blog entries at some point.

Good bye for now - and take care!



Jessica's Websites

Constant Anxiety ...

I'm really going through hard times, so I'm sorry if this will be yet another totally depressing entry. Things around me really seem to fall apart, and I'm not sure what I should do to make it better ... or if in fact there IS something that can make it better.
The situation at Uni is really awful right now. Not perhaps so much the practical aspects of it, but my own personal and emotional aspect of it is really terrible at the moment. I can NEVER EVER relax, and I walk around with a constant high-anxiety-level!! For those of you who have experienced anxiety-problems, you know what an enormous strain it is when you go through an attack ... and these days my attacks never stop! They escalate until I'm at Uni, then I go through Hell when I'm there and as soon as I leave the anxiety for next day's lectures are there. It's really awful, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
I'm fighting like crazy to be able to keep Uni going, but this also means that I let everything else go - and things don't work that way in life, do they? No matter what, you need to cook, and clean, and do dishes and do laundry and go shopping! All of that is more or less being put on a hold now, which means I feel bad for not getting that done ..

In shot ... it feels like my entire life is collapsing around me and I can't save it no matter what I do!

http://007secretagent.proboards83.com


Jessica's Websites

Drowning!

Right now I feel, probably lower than I have in a very long time. It feels like every time I try to fight my way out of a bad situation, it gets worse. No matter how hard I try, I get nothing in return, except feeling even more terrible.
People always tell me I should try to improve my self-image, that the way I look at myself is the roots to most of my problems, and that I should try to improve that. Well, tonight I don't only feel that would be impossibe, I also feel it would be wrong. Right now I am constantly reminded of everything that I'm lacking, how "different" I am, how I cannot cope with things that others can, how I can't even function on the most basic level ... so I'd say my self-image is rather accurate actually.

I'm really sorry to only come up with this depressing blog entry, but I can't really think of anything else but this right now.
I haven't been feeling great all day, and after recieving certain news tonight, the situation went from bad to unbarable ...


Jessica's Websites

Melancholy ...

Not quite sure what's the matter with me tonight, but I just feel generally very sad and depressed. A lot of very hard thoughts going round and round in my head, and I just can't seem to shake them off.

I do hope I get a good night's sleep now, and can start preparing myself for tough times tomorrow. Things have not exactly gone well during the start of this semester and I feel I have fallen behind on my studies ... as well as ... well ... oh, God it's complicate to explain! Anyway, the whole Uni-situation isn't the best at the moment, and we have our fist exam in 9 days! *gulp* I pretty much figure that I'm getting my last chance to try to make a go of this semester now,by giving it all I have!!
Of course, should any new disasters occur, I can't guarantee that I'll be able to focus completely, but if I pretty much get "left alone" (when it comes to panic attacks, general embarrassment or illness), I'm hoping I can make a go of this course.

I'm still working on getting my James Bond Forum going:
http://007secretagent.proboards83.com
As a break today, I also re-designed by Les Misérables Forum:
http://abccafe2006.proboards105.com/

Take care!


Jessica's Websites

Bad Blogger!

I feel like a terrible blogger now ... since started this, my "new" blog here on 20 september 2006, I had written one post every day that I had the oportunity to get hold of a computer ... and now it's several days that I haven't written anything! *shame on me*

It's not because I just feel totally horrible, because even though I definately don't feel great, it's not as bad as all that. I guess I haven't written here because things are VERY confusing in my life right now.
I basically know what I want to do, but I can never be left alone by the PTB (Angel-fans would know this, but for the rest of you: PTB: Powers That Be) to just try to do what it is I want to do. Instead other things and issues and general stuff (yes, I know I'm vague, you don't have to tell me!!) pops up all the time, and while trying to deal with them, I can't really deal with doing what it is I want to do.
Oh God, I sound like a complete lunatic, don't I??? I think I'd better just shut up right now ... needless to say, things are confusing.

In the tiny breaks I try to get from the chaos of my life, I try hard to get my James Bond Forum going ... The few members I have are great at posting - thanks for that guys! - but it's still a bit lop-sided with so few members posting! I try to "advertise" as best I can, but still - not much luck!
A temporary banner is up now at least, although when I make more caps I will probably do another one ...

Jessica's Websites

Hanging in the Balance!

It feels like my entire life is hanging in the balance at the moment! Either it can start going right, and things will start to work out, or it can go wrong, and everything will collapse. It's quite a strain living like this, and I do work hard at getting things to turn out right ... bt from past experience I know that just because I work hard, it might not get better anyway ...

Ah well ... Guess all on can do is try hard, right!!

Any minute I have to spare from my studies, I spend on my James Bond projects! Not that it's doing much good though! *sigh* Four members of the Forum ... although they are active - which is GREAT - it takes more than four members to make it a Forum that works out ... I've done pretty much all I can think of to gain more members, and the only thing left is to BEG two other major James Bond Forums if I link them, they will link me ... don't put much hope into that though ...
Still, what can I do? I can't very well FORCE people to join and be active, can I??
( http://007secretagent.proboards83.com )

Sorry, this turned out rather depressing ... guess it's because my entir life feels very "unstable" and "insecure" at the moment, and I really don't like that one little bit ...


Jessica's Websites

Not Enough Time!

Well, I seem to have made somewhat of a new start today ... I think ... *sigh*
Most things in my life are very confusing right now, and I have a hard time sorting everything out. I know what I should do, but not what I can do, and even I do do some things that I should do, things end up terrible anyway ...

Yeah - I TOLD you it was confusing ...

I won't go on and on about it, but it is rather tough right now.

On top of all my personal problems, I have to try to keep up with the studies which is NOT easy, especially not since I feel I have fallen somewhat behind. We rush through things like crazy on this course, and I'm not sure how I will manage it!
We go through two or three MAJOR grammatical issues EVERY day ... then go home and have like 15-10 lines of Hebrew text to learn to read, translate and "analyze" the grammar - we have a questioning the following day!!! Where do you find the time to DO everything???

Ah well, I'll try to stop complaining ... but needless to say, I don't feel great right now!



Jessica's Websites

Working Hard!

I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that I do have a heavy day tomorrow ... which I cannot get out of!
Things have NOT been good here lately (in case you didn't notice ), but I really need to start dealing with a lot of things tomorrow! And that's not going to be easy ...
I have been going up and down mood-wise all day today, right now I'm kind of okay, but I also know that can change at any minute!

I have been trying to do some studying today, rather a lot, but I still don't feel great about it. Some stuff, I know, are up to me to just LEARN, but there are quite a few things that don't seem logical at all, and I just don't understand them. Which is VERY annoying!

Okay, moving on to funnier topics now! Don't forget to check out my James Bond Forum! I have actually spent quite a lot of time trying to organize it, fix graphics etc, so I really hope it will work out! We do need more members though ... :) :) *hint hint*
Check it out here:
http://007secretagent.proboards83.com

Wish me luck tomorrow - I'm gonna need it!



Jessica's Websites

I Feel Awful!

Have to appologize in advance for this entry, and I think it's gonna be pretty terrible!
But I FEEL terrible, and I just need to unload it all somewhere ...

I was in for a real study day today, in order to try to prepare for next week. First of all, I overslept! I wasn't up until around 8.30 ... and I had meant to go up about two hours earlier! *sigh* I have been trying to concentrate on studies, but it's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE right now!! I know there are lots of things I havn't caught up with, but when I'm trying to translate a word that we haven't even GOT in our little dictionary?!!?!?!? What the Hell do I do?!?!! We get sentences in a book to analyze and translate, and in the same book there is a dictionary with new words as well as the relevant grammar-rules ... in this chapter I think I have come across five or six words we haven't even got!!!!!! I don't own a Hebrew dictionary and I know they are horribly expenisve but I guess I'm gonna have to get one.
The grammar is also impossible to get - they use stuff, endings and prefixes that I have never even heard of!! I know I've been missing a lot of lectures, but since we follow ONE book, I thought all the relevant information would be in that!!!!!!!
Everything is just a HUGE mess .... I guess I'll have to contact this other girl that I "sort of know" to see what she says, but I just feel SOOOOO stupid doing that! It feels like I'm the most stupid person in the whole world, I just don't understand anything ...
On top of that, Zorro has felt that I'm not great, so he has spent the entire day in a horrible mood - he's running around completely MAD (I'm actually scared he'll end up having a heart attack), he's clawing on EVERYTHING, the carpets, the couch, the doors and the walls ...

Sorry, I realize this is really a horrible entry, I just HAD to get it all out somewhere ....


Jessica's Websites

Kind of Confused ...

Today has been another mix of Hebrew and James Bond ... fun, but somewhat confusing! :)

I think I have gotten off to a rather good start with my James Bond forum, I have changed the graphics quite a lot fixed some welcome tables, rearranged boards etc and I'm actually quite happy with what I've got! :) Now all I need is memers! *lol*

As for studies, I'm not quite so happy there! I do feel better regarding the studies than I have done before, but it's still not very good. I seem to catch up, at least a little (I have managed to learn some stuff, but should have learned even more *sigh*), but I'm still not looking forward to next week.
I know I've been completely down for about a week now, and I really feel "out-of-it" when it comes to Uni ... and now I'm supposed to rush back in again! I know I REALLY have to, there's no question there, but that doesn't mean I have to feel happy about it, right?! I know our professor keeps his thing of "read-out-loud -- translate -- analyze grammar", and that is of course what terrifies me. First of all, I don't ever feel prepared enough for such a thing, and second, I don't feel great with this group ... it's rather large, about 25 students, and since I've been so up-and-down lately, I don't feel I've become a true part of the group yet ...

Ah well, I guess I should wait until tomorrow night to have a panic attack over this ...

Oh, don't forget to spread the word about my James Bond forum ... feel free to check out the updates : http://007secretagent.proboards83.com



Jessica's Websites