Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Recovery-"Break" ??

As some of you may have known, I have not been feeling great at all lately, which is the explanation for the lack of blogging.
I am now facing six whole days probably without any anxiety, as we have a study-period before our exam on May 2nd now. I guess I shouldn't call it a break, since I will have to study a lot if I am going to have a chance to pass the exam, but at least it will be up to me to get it done, and there will be no external pressure to perform ... and I'm hoping that might give me a chance to make a "come-back" with my life! Which also would mean a "come-back" with the blog! :) I remember during the fall, when I actually wrote something here every single day ... maybe that's aiming a bit too high, but I should at least be able to write something most days of the week ... at least I hope so.

I have a feeling I really should try to tell you what it is that has been going on during this semester, but I'm not sure if I can ... It's hard to try to make sense of it, unless I start raving on like crazy - and then I'd probably be hopelessly boring... but I guess I could give it a try! :)

I'm taking Hebrew, Bible Hebrew, and though I was told it would be very demanding, I had no idea whatsoever how intense it would be! I don't think that was the main problem for me though, as I have other problems to cope with!
The way the lectures have been conducted has actually been my main problem, combined with an enormous stress factor. We've been given texts or sentences in Bible Hebrew (from the Hebrew Bible), to learn and translate, and during lectures, we've had to take turns in reading and translating in front of the group. I think at the very beginning, I didn't know this was going to happen, so I had a panic attack in the classroom ... this led to me skipping a lecture or two, but what I found out the hard way was that it was near-impossible to catch up on my own, which meant that next time I was going to a lecture, I felt totally unprepared, and the panic attack was a fact again! I have never really gotten out of this, I have tried one thing after another, but for some reason, none of my strategies have worked out. This had led to me feeling awful all the time. When I have skipped lectures I have felt bad and known that I've missed imoportant information - and also the chance on working with my social phobia - and the times I have actually attended lectures, I have experienced panic- and anxiety attacks almost all the time ... I just felt I couldn't win!
No matter what I have tried to do during this semester, it has ended with me feeling terrible. And living under such stress, eventually leads to depression ... even though it may not have been that severe!

Since I don't have lectures now, until the exam and the next part of the course, I am hoping to gather some spiritual and mental strength! I know I have to study pretty much all the time, since I have missed so much, but at least I won't be put in situations where I experience panic and anxiety attacks ... which will be a change!! Like I said, I'm hoping to gather strength and maybe, just maybe be able to handle the next part of the course a bit better!
I think that if I'm only given time to prepare the texts we are given, I might be able to handle reading and translating in front of everyone, but so far, I have not had the time to prepare, and then it's been totally impossible ... No guarantees of course, I have been disappointed so many times this semester, but at least there is a hope ... always something, right? :)

I hope this somewhat explains what it is I have been living with for the past three months ... I do hope I will be able to cope better in the future, and that I will be able to post here more often as well! :)

Take care!

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