This will definately be a "recovery-entry" where I will try to make some general update, and let you know where I am in life at this time ...
Celebration: 2000 visitors!!
Well, I meant to make a celebration entry to thank you all for visiting my blog, when I reached 2000 visitors - and now I've reached nearly 2100!! Wow!!
Thank you so much for visiting my blog, it seems like you might enjoy it, and I'm very happy to hear that!
Generally, this past month, or closer to five weeks now, has been very very tough for me. For some reason or another, I have gotten in a downward spiral which never seemed to end. Part of it is my own responsibility, I am not denying that, because at certain points I definately let anxiety take over and take control over my life, and that is never ever good! At other times, I found that I couldn't be held responsible for the fact that things went to Hell. Such as the worst possible migrane attack! I was down for about 18 hours, and I can honestly say that I have never experienced pain like that before in my life! But that also meant that I missed at least two lectures ... and I don't really know what else I could have done? We also had a winter storm here ... which meant that neither trains nor buses were running ... what was I supposed to do about that?
I will try not to sound way depressing, but I must admit that this has been a very rough time for me, and I have felt worse these past weeks than I have in a very long time.
I finally decided on some 'alternate solutions' ... I have depended on them so much in the past, that I really don't want to use them at all, but I came to the conclusion I really had NO choice whatsoever! I think that this has meant somewhat of a turningpoint (starting yesterday), even though naturally all problems aren't solved. Still, I have good faith that I might be able to turn this negative trend around!
But I do hope that I managed to get around to this in time, as it is only four weeks to our big exam ... I really hope I can be able to work my way back as much as possible, and hopefully I will pass my exam! I know this sounds like the usual stuff - you feel insecure about an exam and says 'maybe I won't pass', but I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever been this far behind in my studies on any course before! Guess all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and work like crazy, right?
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I haven't been that frequent in updating my James Bond blog, but I am keeping it in mind!
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Winter ... for three days!
Well, we don't get much winter down here (I live in southern Sweden) but when we do, we certainly do!! It's about a week ago now, I guess ... (could be more, could be less, it feels like I've been living in a void the past month, so I haven't been that aware of things going on around me)
It started snowing on Wednesday night! And it snowed and it snowed .... I had lectures at 8 a.m. on Thursday morning, and this was one morning I had really convinced myself I should attend, despite all my problems! I tried checking the trains, and there didn't seem to be major delays, so I figured I'd get to Uni. Yeah right! I need to take a city bus to get to the railway station, so at 6.45 I made my way through knee-high snow ... no ploughs had been out of course. I stood at the bus stop waiting for my bus for about 20 minutes (I figured the buses were late) ... when two people came up to me and said that the buses didn't go at all ...*sigh* Nothing I could do but go home again ...
The next day I really kept an eye on the traffic, but with about 45 minutes notice it was announced that the only train I could take (that wasn't cancelled all together) would be so late, there was no point in me going anyway ... This made me feel really bad, beacause I had missed several lectures and once I had really worked hard at trying to go, I couldn't even get out of town!
That night, I was invited to an informal party with some friends from Uni. Those of you who know me, know that I have great difficulty with my social life, and I need to take every possible chance I can in order to get it to work at all. I was really happy to have been invited, because my horrible self-image keeps telling me that nobody would ever want to hang out with me ... and with this invitation they actually showed that they did want me to be there (there was absolutely no need for them to invite me, so the fact that they did really proves that they did want me to be there!!)!! I was sooooo nervous about the trains, and practically lived in front of the computer to check out the latest. When it came close, it seemed only one train would go in a sensible time ... I would be a little late, but had contacted my friend in advance. This train would depart at 5.45p.m. I went to the railway station and tried to figure out something from the announcement signs ... in a horrible snowstorm ... Apparently the 5.45 train had been cancelled, because the 4.45-train would arrive at 5.45 instead. I waited and waited and waited ... and they announced one delay after another. The last one I heard was that it would arrive sometime around 7.15 or something, and then I gave up ... I didn't even know if I'd be able to get back home... but it felt really horrible!
I had been soooo filled with anxiety all day, these are the things I find most difficult of all in my life right now, and yet I know that I can't skip any chance given to me ... so I worked sooo hard to actually be able to - and talk about anti-climax when I had to wait for the city bus to back home again ... (I am planning to invite the two girls I know best from Uni to some "informal thing" next weekend, so I really hope that can undo some of the "damage" that was done in the snow-storm).
Below you'll see evidence of the fact that we did have winter, although practically all the snow had melted after three or four days ...
I have to make a mention of Zorro here as well. I have been feeling like Hell for the past week, and he's just the best friend one could possible have!! I know I won't have him forever, and I dread the day I will have to say good-bye to him, but the fact is I don't think I could have handled my life without him these past years. He's very active and wants his own way, and sometimes he more or less drives me completely crazy ... but when I am really down he's absolutely remarkable!!
When I realize something in my life has gone completely to Hell and I just crawl up in the couch, I can't stand to have any lights on, or the TV on or anything ... I just sit there with tears pouring down my cheeks ... And Zorro jumps up in my lap, puts one paw on each shoulder, starts purring and licks the tears from my cheeks ... it's a comfort beyond describing!!
Some recent pictures of my treasure!
A Good Day
Well, finally we're up to present day! :)
For once I have had a really good day today! I don't know when that happened last, because these past weeks I have been happy as long as I haven't had a complete disaster.
We had lectures this morning, and although I am not happy about having to use these 'alternate solutions' (sorry about being a little vague, but since this is a public blog ...), but I have to say that they worked better than I had hoped, and I really hope that this could be the start of something that can work out!!
Straight after lectures, I went to a rather large mall, and managed to make some finds! I bought a present each for my little sisters (okay - time to once and for all have this sister-name-discussion! I will not name my little sisters online, but I will use initials, to make it easier! My oldest little sister, who is born in the summer of 2004 is 'M' and my youngest sister, who was born this winter is 'I'!!).
When M was born I made a habit of buying her a present every month, to celebrate her "month-day" (instead of birthday!) during her first year! I wanted to do the same with I, but I can't very well send a present for I and not include anything for M!! Lucky for me they are born exactly 2 years and 6 months apart, on the day, so they celebrate the same "month-day"!! Anyway, I did get some gifts for them (naturally it's just small things, since I send them every month!), found new shoes for me ... don't know if they really fit, but they were on a huge sale (they had been priced to 199:-, which is about $28 - £14.50 but were down to 49:- --> $7 - £3.50!!!!), so I figured I'd take a chance! I also bought Dan Brown's book Digital Fortress rather cheap which was nice! I have read The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons and Deception Point before, and I enjoy them a lot!
All in all, I am feeling a lot better now, and I hope that will have the strength to change my life around to something more positive now!!
Also a BIG THANKS to all my online friends who have been very supporting during these horrible weeks!