A Pretty Rotten Day!

I haven't had a great day today ...
I was meant to study pretty much constantly - and I haven't done anything! It's really terrible because I know I have a lot to do, I really should get on it, but for some reason, I didn't today! Even though I managed to get some other stuff done, I still feel awful about not having studied ...

I know there's nothing I can do about it now, I have to accept it, and I have to start studying tomorrow ... and all that sensible stuff - but I still feel rotten!!

I did a minor update on my Les Misérables website today, you can check it out at http://hem.bredband.net/lesmiserables/ (Some pretty cool looking pictures, even if I do say so myself!)
I have also added some auctions to the Swedish auction site Tradera - you can see them here: http://www.tradera.com/category/auctionlist.aspx?ftgnr=212855&page=1
I'm in desperate need of money so I'm hoping I'll be able to sell some stuff at least!!

I'm sorry for this short blog entry today - but I feel really awful about today and I feel like I should get up at about 4 a.m. tomorrow morning to make up for it!! And if I should, I'd better head for bed soon!

Take care!


Jessica's Websites

Am I Insane?

Today has been slow, to say the least ... which comes from the fact that I woke up with a migraine! I'm not very surprised by it, I've been under a lot of strain and pressure lately, and I could somewhat relax yesterday since at least the written part of the project was finished! But it meant that I had to spend most of today in bed ... I really should have started a heavy study session today, to prepare for the oral presentation on Thursday, but there was no way I could study today! Guess I'll have to make up for it tomorrow!!

I'm seriously thinking of doing something that I'm afraid is completely crazy too!!
In order to "celebrate" the 21st James Bond film, there's been a release of all the previous 20 movies, in a lovely box set, each film has been digitally restored, with lots of extra interviews and special features - each movie is on a two-disc dvd ... I soooo want it! But it's soooo expensive of course!! Now I got this offer, with actually quite a large discount, but it's still awfully expensive - and I don't know if I'm gonna buy it or not!!
The entire box, with 20 movies (that is, 40 discs!!) normally costs 2995:- (~US$414 or ~£218) ... but with discount it would be 2495:- (~US$345 or ~£182)
It's a fairly good discount - but it's still a lot of money!!! "What do I do? What do I do?" I know I don't have to decide tonight, but it will be a tough decision to make! After all, I've been a devoted James Bond fan since I was ten years old - I saw my first Bond movie ("Octopussy", if anybody's interested...) when I was seven!! It would be SO cool to have the complete collection ... but it IS totally expensive ...
Yeah, I'm rambling - sorry about that!

Since I've been in bed most of the day today, I don't really have much more to write about there ...
Take care guys!


Jessica's Websites

Life's A Show ...

Life's a show
And we all play our parts
And when the music starts
We open up our hearts

Life's a song
You don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse

Another day over - thank God!

Today was at least better than yesterday, but I'm in a 'not-so-great" period right now! Certain things in my life are good, I know that, and I'm really trying to be greatful for those things ... but there are other things that are not great at all!
I know I'm being vague again, sorry about that, but all I feel up to sharing in a public blog are the facts that some stuff in my life has turned out really well, and other stuff ... well ... let's just say I'm having a really hard time dealing with them!!

The group project-thingy that has been what I need to deal with next in my life, is more or less done!! And I'm more or less happy with it ... but still, we've done the written part, and we've sent it in ...so it's pretty much finished, no matter how good it is!! I know I can't expect too much of this, and I have to say that I'm greatful to being part of a group, no matter how the project turned out!!

I realize I'm not making much sense at the moment - so I think I'll make a short entry of this! I guess I'll have to write a bit more when I don't feel quite so confused as I am right now ...
Anyway, the point of today's entry will be that, despite the fact that a lot of things aren't going in the "perfect" dircetion, I think that most things are at least going in the right direction!

Sorry about the major confusion in this entry! I'm really far to tired to write a proper blog entry! I hope I can come back with an entry that makes a little more sense! :)

I made another siggie/avatar set tonight ... I quite like it, I hope you do too!! :)

Take care, guys!
See ya soon!

Jessica's Websites

Tough Day!

I definately feel that I have entered a less great period of my life right now. I really shouldn't complain about it, because sooo much of the previous semester has worked out better than I could imagine ... but unfortunately, that doesn't stop things from being difficult now!

I am happy to say I managed to get a group to work with on this final project, that is a great relief, but unfortunately, things aren't working very smoothly! Since I'm rather new to this "socializing"-thing, or whatever you want to call it, I don't know if things really are tough and a bit "bad", or if I'm just putting way to much into it! I can't really say, but I do know that I'm not feeling great at the moment!
I feel like I'm under a lot of strain and pressure regarding practical things at the moment, at Uni there are soooo many things that really need to fall into place right now, and I have no idea how to make the fall into place!
On top of all this - which is hard enough, trust me! - I'm trying to deal with my emotional problems!! I had some hope that they would become less articulate now, since focus would be on the group project, but unfortunately not! They were rather made even more real to me today, so I had quite a hard time trying to deal with that!

I have very mixed feelings about my life now - I hardly think I'm likely to go into a depression at the moment, but I am feeling very very tired and worn out and uncertain of how I will cope with things in the future ...

I'd love to get a day to myself now, to sort things out, but unfortunately that will have to wait. More or less the entire day today was spent with two girls from the course I'm taking working on the group project, and that's the idea for tomorrow as well. I do want to work on the project, of course, I want to make it as good as possible, and I don't want to wait until the last minute to get it done, but with things being so confusing and hard for me as they are right now - it would have been nice to have some private time, to try to sort out everything that's going on.

Well, since I have a long day tomorrow as well - I'll try to get some rest now!


Jessica's Websites

Practical Or Emotional - Again!

Another day which can be viewed from two different perspectives! I know which one I should be focusing on, but naturally, the fact is that I am focusing on the other ...

My life tends to exist on a practical and an emotional level at the moment, and these two are widely separated! On the practical level, things are actually working out! Maybe not exactly the way I want them to, but they do work out - and that's the main thing! Today, for instance, the practical part of my life revolved around the fact that I should get through the lecture (with three oral presentations plus discussions) and sorting out this group project thingy ... and that did work out! I didn't have quite as high anxiety levels during the lecture as I've had the previous lectures - so that's an improvement - and afterwards, the group-thing turned out okay ... a few hitches here and there, but at least I'm in a group now, and we all seem to want to get a passing grade on this whole thing - and that's the main thing!

On the emotional level though - a completely different story!! I really don't feel comfortable discussing very private matters here, but the "stuff" I've been discussing lately is still following me around, and for every day I show up at Uni it seem to take a different turn in a way! It's always there, and it's always effecting me - actually it's effecting me more and more and more .. - although it's in a way effecting me in different ways every time. Yes, I am very confused now!!
I have to admit that dealing with these kinds of purely emotional problems are very hard for me ...

Earlier, the 'practical' and the 'emotional' levels in my life were very closely integrated! Usually, I'd have a practical problem, which naturally transferred itself onto the emotional level. But, since the origin was on the practical level, I could work my way out of it, appy different technics etc, and when the practical problem was more or less solved, or at least had become smaller, so had the emotional problem! Now, the problems are completely segregated!! And up until now, I have more or less only experienced problems on the practical level - meaning that I know what to do, how to actually work to make things better. And now all of a sudden, I'm starting to get these emotional problems and I haven't gotten a clue as to how to deal with them! I just know that all the feelings are tearing me up inside, it feels like I'm broken into a million little pieces and there's absolutely nothing I can do to make the feelings go away, or to change them in anyway .... how do you deal with that??


On a slightly more positive note - I have tried to think of something else besides all these emotional problems tonight, and I came up with a Philip Quast - Ultraviolet background! I can't say that I'm thrilled with it ... but it ended up kinda cool anyway!

I have a rather long day tomorrow as well, as the group that I finally managed to be a part of (me and two other girls) are meeting to start working on the group project tomorrow!! Since I'm feeling very low, sad and generally upset at the moment, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it one little bit, but even if I can't fully relish it at the moment, at least I know it's a great thing that I'm part of a group, and that I'm socializing - because I need as much training as I can possibly get in that area! Hopefully, some day, I'll be able to look at things that way ... right now, all I feel like doing is cuddle up with Zorro in my bed and never ever get up ... don't you ever get that feeling sometimes?


Jessica's Websites

Sociology of Religion - Eight Assignments !!

I'm completely exhausted at the moment - and I'm already starting to panic about tomorrow ... that can't be good!!


Today has been 100% studies ... I sort of got a crazy idea last night, which meant study-study-study for me today! We've gotten these assignments to hand in, based on the oral presentations for each lecture. The entire thing has been a complete mess from the start, nobody knew which chapters were taken, or which ones were not taken, all of a sudden some people don't show up for their presentations - are we still going to hand in those assignments? As I said, a mess. Well, tomorrow is the last lecture before our group project, so I was supposed to finish all the assignments I had left today ... and I had a very hard time trying to figure out which ones I was supposed to do and which I could skip. So finally I decided to just go ahead and do all the chapters, no matter if I had to or not!! Which resulted in me writing eight assigments today!! I am soooo tired right now!

And I'm panicking about tomorrow!!
On so many levels!! We're supposed to get the information regarding the exam - the group project - tomorrow. Last Wednesday, I got the impression everybody took for granted I would join the group of girls with whom I've been hanging out during this course! I wasn't sure about it, but when I talked to one of the girls, she was totally on board with that! Great!! Until Friday ... just about everything went to Hell on Friday ... in this case I got the distinct impression that one of the girls in the group - the girl I've had the least contact with - definately didn't want me in the group! Now, I know I'm expert at exagerating at everything, and I admit that I might have gotten it wrong, but at the time, I really felt that way!! And if I now all of a sudden can't join that group - what the Hell do I do????!? *panic now* I have sort of talked a little to this other guy as well, but I'm not at all sure I can approach him about the group project either!! I have no idea how to handle this, and I can't prepare one little bit since I don't know what will happen tomorrow!! This is one big thing regarding tomorrow!

There's another thing aobut tomorrow too .... Previously I've vaguely talked about some "stuff" here - and the "stuff" pretty much exploaded in my face on Friday. This is in some way connected to Uni, meaning that it will probably hit me even more tomorrow! This is not something I can deal with on a rational level either, it's purely emotional, and that makes it even harder!

I realize I will probably survive tomorrow as well - I don't have much choice except go and try to do whatever I can to make it work out for the best ... but it's very very difficult not to worry about how things will turn out, or how it will make me feel ...

I'll stop rambling now ... sorry about that!
Take care!


Jessica's Websites

Anxious And Uncertain!

Another day that hasn't been one of my better ones! I think I am feeling a little better than I did during Friday and Saturday, but I still have quite a while left before I'm back to the way I was ... if I ever get there.
There are lots of uncertainties in my life right now, and somehow I was holding on, I was trying to juggle it all and deal with it, until this thing happened on Friday! Somehow I just dropped all my balls at once and they all broke into one million little pieces, at least that's the way it feels right now. I think most of you recognize that you can usually deal with quite a lot of difficult stuff, but if one thing just turns into chaos, or goes to Hell, you loose it all!I hope it's not quite as bad as that, and that my life will still be here when I try to pick up the pieces, but this "thing" that happened on Friday certainly made my life so much more difficult!

I am going through quite a lot at the moment and I feel like up until now I did a pretty good job of it, but as things are now, I have a hard time trying to continue coping, working with myself, continue to try to make progress etc.
First and foremost there was this one "thing" that happened, but when I've gone back and tried going through pretty much everything that happened on Friday, I tend to find other things that are complicating my life, that leaves me feeling insecure and left out ...

I won't go on and on about this, I am feeling low right now, and I have a hard time knowing how to handle the upcoming weeks and months in a satisfactory way, but somewhere deep inside me I have something that tells me not to give up entirely! I can give up temporarily, sometimes you have to do that - to take a break from everything - in order to deal with it, but I don't think I will let everything go! I also know that even if time doesn't heal all your wounds, in a way you learn to deal with things over time. And I guess that's all I can think about to try to get through this time ...

I made a background image earlier, to try to take my mind off all problems, it's from the musical Kristina From Duvemåla - I hope you like it!! (And apologies for all the Swedish lyrics to those of you who don't read Swedish!)

Thoughts And Reflections

Please forgive another short entry!
I have not quite recovered from all the things that happened yesterday, and even though I have spent most of today with "thougths and reflections", I still feel somewhat confused!!
What happened yesterday really effected me deeply, and even though on some level I can see that all this emotion is exagerated, or stupid, or foolish, or whatever, the fact is I feel the way I do!

I haven't really managed to fully graps all of the implications of yesterday, and even though I should spend tomorrow 100% studying, I have a feeling I will have to try to deal with this tomorrow as well.

I feel very frustrated about a situation where I feel really awful but know that there's absolutely nothing I can do to make it better! I know that these situations occur, and eventually I will probably be able to live with it, and go on with my normal life, but as of now ... it pretty much feels like a stabbing wound ...

I'm sorry I'm not more positive today, but I have a strong feeling it will take quite a while before I can get over this actually ...

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend!!


Jessica's Websites

Practical Or Emotional ?

Since I started this blog I have made an effort to make at least one entry every day, and I would like to continue doing that, even though some days aren't that much fun to write about!

Today can be seen as either practical or emotional on my part - they differ quite a lot! Looking at today from a practical perspective, things have worked out! I had more or less a full-scale anxiety attack this morning, but managed to go anyway (and that took some doing, believe me!!), and as far as the practical is concerned, I think I have coped fairly well during the entire day.

On the emotional level though - not great!! I sort of found out something, or heard something ... I know it's all very vague, but anyway - it really, really disturbed me a lot! When this happened, all my rationality went away, I couldn't really connect to rationality at all after this, I spent the rest of the day entirely on the emotional level, and that was awfully tough!! To be honest, and I'm trying not to exagerate here, I don't think I've been in a public place for ... oh, it must be about six hours, and felt that bad in a very long time!! It took all my energy to cope, and now I am completely drained, and I feel very low!
I'm sorry I can't go into more detail regarding all this - I realize it sounds like I've gone insane or something ... I don't think I have (although I'm starting to wonder sometimes!!!), but I really don't feel comfortable writing about specific details here.

I'm really sorry to have write such a depressing blog entry today, but I can't really think of anything else to write, I don't feel up to making some movie/tv show/musical review or that kind of stuff, so I guess you'll have to live with this somewhat depressing entry!
I'm very sorry about not being able to look at things from a practcial angle, because I think I would be able to be a bit more optimistic then - but at the moment, emotions have complete control.

I hope I'll feel better for my next entry tomorrow!


Jessica's Websites

Bond ... James Bond!

Well, as some of you may know, the new James Bond movie, Casino Royale, will premiere in Sweden on November 24! Well, I got a letter today, from the company that own the flat I'm in, and they offer tickets to an exclusive premiere of this movie, for 50:- ... which is less than US$7 and about £3.60!!! Amazing!! Aparantly they will release the tickets on Tuesday, and of course I have a lecture on Tuesday! Hopefully though, the tickets won't sell that fast, and I should still be able to get one on Tuesday afternoon! *fingers crossed* It's the last lecture of this course on Tuesday, and I think we'll be getting our big final assignment then, so I probably won't be able to just rush out at 10 o'clock sharp either, but hopefully the tickets won't sell out completely the very first hours ....

Nothing much has happened today. I have tried to catch up with some studying ... didn't have a huge success though, unfortunately! I always seem to be one assigment behind, and I can never manage to finish them in time! *sigh* I'll really make an effort to catch up during the weekend though, I have Saturday through Tuesday to get four assignments done and I simply have to manage that! Period!
I'm getting seriously nervous about tomorrow as well. It's this whole "lecture-watching-movie-going-out-for-beer-and-discussion"-thing ... Somewhere I feel like it's gonna be a fun thing to do - it's certainly not something you usually do at Uni *lol*, and then I just get super-nervous and don't know what to do, or say, or how to act ... and I just feel stupid! I am going through with it, I have already decided on that - but that doesn't stop me from being nervous! At first I thought that I'd at least have these two girls I've been talking mostly to, so I knew that I could talk to them if things got awkward, but yesterday I found out that none of them are coming!!! *yikes!* I talk to the others as well, but not in the same, relaxed way, and since I'm nervous to begin with, I don't know if I will cope with trying to socialize with people I don't feel I know at all on top of the other stuff!

I'm trying not to let this get to me too much, but instead take things as they come along and try to do the best of any given situation! Easier said than done, of course, but I can at least try, right?!?
One thing I've learned these past weeks is that I can actually experience both great and horrible things (earlier I haven't had that much experience in the "great-department" ...), and somehow that strengthens me! Should there be a disaster of everything tomorrow - and I don't really think there will be a disaster! - at least I know that just because this thing went wrong, everything else will go wrong too! Quite the oposite actually ... things do go both good and bad ... so, really, what's the point of worrying about them??

Well, I've even managed a little personal pep-talk in the blog today, that's not bad, is it?

Oh, and before I forget - I've booked tickets for the Christmas show on December 3rd tonight!! Yay! (soooo need to save money now!!! *lol*) Anyway, I haven't had many interests before, so it's really really nice to finally find something that I truly enjoy, and that really gives me an energy boost!!

Well, I'd better start to wind down now, and let my little pep-talk above sink in!
Take care, guys!



Jessica's Websites