Another day which can be viewed from two different perspectives! I know which one I should be focusing on, but naturally, the fact is that I am focusing on the other ...
My life tends to exist on a practical and an emotional level at the moment, and these two are widely separated! On the practical level, things are actually working out! Maybe not exactly the way I want them to, but they do work out - and that's the main thing! Today, for instance, the practical part of my life revolved around the fact that I should get through the lecture (with three oral presentations plus discussions) and sorting out this group project thingy ... and that did work out! I didn't have quite as high anxiety levels during the lecture as I've had the previous lectures - so that's an improvement - and afterwards, the group-thing turned out okay ... a few hitches here and there, but at least I'm in a group now, and we all seem to want to get a passing grade on this whole thing - and that's the main thing!
On the emotional level though - a completely different story!! I really don't feel comfortable discussing very private matters here, but the "stuff" I've been discussing lately is still following me around, and for every day I show up at Uni it seem to take a different turn in a way! It's always there, and it's always effecting me - actually it's effecting me more and more and more .. - although it's in a way effecting me in different ways every time. Yes, I am very confused now!!
I have to admit that dealing with these kinds of purely emotional problems are very hard for me ...
Earlier, the 'practical' and the 'emotional' levels in my life were very closely integrated! Usually, I'd have a practical problem, which naturally transferred itself onto the emotional level. But, since the origin was on the practical level, I could work my way out of it, appy different technics etc, and when the practical problem was more or less solved, or at least had become smaller, so had the emotional problem! Now, the problems are completely segregated!! And up until now, I have more or less only experienced problems on the practical level - meaning that I know what to do, how to actually work to make things better. And now all of a sudden, I'm starting to get these emotional problems and I haven't gotten a clue as to how to deal with them! I just know that all the feelings are tearing me up inside, it feels like I'm broken into a million little pieces and there's absolutely nothing I can do to make the feelings go away, or to change them in anyway .... how do you deal with that??
On a slightly more positive note - I have tried to think of something else besides all these emotional problems tonight, and I came up with a Philip Quast - Ultraviolet background! I can't say that I'm thrilled with it ... but it ended up kinda cool anyway!
I have a rather long day tomorrow as well, as the group that I finally managed to be a part of (me and two other girls) are meeting to start working on the group project tomorrow!! Since I'm feeling very low, sad and generally upset at the moment, I can't say that I'm looking forward to it one little bit, but even if I can't fully relish it at the moment, at least I know it's a great thing that I'm part of a group, and that I'm socializing - because I need as much training as I can possibly get in that area! Hopefully, some day, I'll be able to look at things that way ... right now, all I feel like doing is cuddle up with Zorro in my bed and never ever get up ... don't you ever get that feeling sometimes?