Horrible Day ... and Night!

Today has definately not been a good day, that's for sure! I've had a ton of minor things to do, and none of them have worked out! I've done everything akward and backward, I keep forgetting things, things won't work out the way I'd planned them to ... etc etc etc! *sigh*
On a practical level this means that I have such a day tomorrow - I'm not sure how I'll cope with it!! I have lectures 8-10 in the morning, then I have to run some errands - that didn't work out - then I have to send something like 19(!!) packages, I did fairly well on tradera this time, but stupid me promised most of the buyers that I'd send their stuff before I go off on my trip ... after that I have to take the train home, then maybe get something to eat and I have to be off at no later than 1.10p.m if I am to catch my train! I have a definate feeling I'll be more dead than alive when I get on the train!!

What's worse of all right now, is that my apartment is cat-free at the moment! *sobbing now*
The girl that takes care of him came to pick him up earlier this evening, and I hate being without him. I keep looking for him, thinking about how he'd react to things ... and then I keep remembering that he isn't even here!!!! *crying now*
I'm not in a great shape myself at the moment, I'm completely exhausted, and I have quite a demanding trip ahead of me - not to mention everything else in my life that needs to work out ... and therefore I'm also more sensitive, especially when it comes to Zorro!
I just don't for the life of me know how I'll be able to get any sleep tonight!! The bed will be soooo big and soooo empty! *crying again*

Okay, I'll try not to sound completely depressed now!
I will have some time at home tomorrow - if nothing else goes wrong!! - and I'm hoping to make a short post here before I'm off! But if I can't make it - have a great time everybody, and I promise to come back with reviews and lots of photos!

Take care!!


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Happy News!

Despite everything that's happened lately, I actually have happy news tonight! Yay!
I found out that the grades for the previous course had been reported, so I immediately loggged on to check it out (we can see our reported grades through the internet), and I was happily surprised to see that I got the high grade, Pass with Distinction!! YAY ME!!
We were told that nobody had failed the course (it's practically more or less impossible to fail a course like that if you don't drop out - which some people did ...), but then there was the question of Pass or Pass with Distinction! I really didn't think I'd get more than a passing grade, although of course I'd had some kind of vague hope for the higher grade. But when I tried to go through what'd really done on the course, I didn't think I deserved more than a passing grade - but aparantly the teacher felt differently! And I'm soooo not complaining!! *lol*

I visited my work place today, for the first time in a very long time! This was one of those up-and-down-experiences ... which felt rather weird, as I don't usually get those at work!! Some stuff didn't go well at all, and other went better than I had expected! *confused*
Still, with the grade-thing and all, I guess this will have to constitute a good day - even if some stuff weren't that great at all!

I'm really tired, and I have quite a lot of stuff to do tomorrow as well, so I'd better try to get some sleep now!
Good night!


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Tough Introduction!

Today was the introduction of the next course, Psychology and Sociology of Religion, Methods (should anybody be interested, the previous course I took was called
Psychology and Sociology of Religion, Religion, the Individual and Society), and boy was that tough! We aren't many people in the group, today we were 11 students, but I think there were a few that didn't show up.
This course is very intense, with a lot of practical work, such as questionnaire-studies, interviews, observations etc. I'm not that fond of the teacher we have either, there's nothing wrong with him of course, but he tends to be a bit vague at times, and at least I have a hard time following him when he talks. One minute he starts describing interview technices, and before you know it he's completely involved with the art of creating a questionnaire ... usually in the same sentence ... *yikes*
Also, I still have a hard time with these 'practical' things - we are supposed to be working in pairs, which I think is a good thing, but the first task we have, we have to do alone *typical* ... we made a questionnaire at the lecture today, and until Thursday, everybody has to make at least ten people fill it out, so that we can start systemizing and analyzing the replies on Thursday! Whoa!! I have a hard time doing stuff like that, but I'm feeling better now, and I think that given time, I would be able to do it ... but I hate being rushed into things like this, I feel sort of trapped, and I can't really work with myself in my own time!

This day has been rather rough, due to this, and some other complications, so I've been pretty low all day today! Things are happening rather fast around me, and I feel like I can't really deal with everything - it feels like I need time to slow down, and analyze, and come to terms with what has happened, and what will happen, and where I am in all this mess ... but no suck luck, I'm afraid! I guess I'll just have to try and tag along anyway, right?! :)

Finishing off with the latest graphic ... which I don't like very much ... I'll have to see if I can make a better one soon ....
Take care!




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A Bit Nervous!

I'm feeling rather nervous right now, as the upcoming week is a very heavy one for me!
I have lots of things to do, we start a new course, which I think will be interesting but quite demanding. It also looks like there will be quite a lot of work - and presentations - in groups ... and since the last time worked so well ... *ironic smile here* ... I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but it's hard not to worry!
I also have a lot of other stuff I need to do and take care of, and on Thursday I'm going north to meet my families!! I look forward to the trip a lot - it'll be great to see my little sister again, and I'm seeing one musical show and one 'real' musical! Yay! But it will be very demanding indeed, not much time for rest at all, and as soon as I am back, the course will continue ...
I have some other stuff - personal stuff - to deal with as well ... and this is something that tends to complicate matters a bit! I can't really help it though, because it's something I feel rather strongly about, and I just can't all of a sudden just forget about my feelings on this particular matter ... but it's also taking away energy that I need, now that so much stuff is happening around me! Life sure as Hell is complicated, isn't it?

Before I'm getting completely depressed, I do have some good news! I recently put up some auctions on Tradera - a Swedish auction site - to see if I could get some money ... I normally don't do very well there, I'm happy if I sell one or two items, but this time it's almost crazy!! I'm doing really really well, and that's terrific! Partly, of course, because I need the money (I mean, come on - who doesn't need money?!? *lol*), but also because I really need to clear out among my collections, and I really have a hard time throwing things like posters, books and dvds in the garbage!!!

Finishing off with some graphics ... I'll let you guess who's in which picture though!! *lol*




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Rather Embarrassing!

Actually, I'm feeling rather embarrassed, since this blog entry probably will be the most boring one ever! *lol*
I have absolutely nothing to write about .... so I guess you wonder why I'm writing at all? Sorry, I can't supply an answer to that! :-) I've had a really nice and slow day today, I've doing a bit of cleaning, but nothing too heavy, so the events of today does not make an interesting blog entry. I started thinking about some kind of "theme blog", writing something about a musical, or a movie, or a TV-show or something - but I just felt I didn't have the energy to come up with clever thoughts and ideas, making nice and apropriate pictures etc ... so that didn't happen either ...
So, therefore ; here ends the shortest - and by far most boring - blog entry I have ever made!!

Good night guys!


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Lots Of Thoughts!

Today has been a 'thinking day' for me, I think!
I feel like I have gone through quite a lot during the last couple of months, and even though I have tried to deal with most of it, it still feels different now, when I've had a closure! There are certainly a lot of developments that have occured since the beginning of September, and I think it will take quite a while before I feel like I've completely gone through them ... A great deal of what has happened in the past months have been absolutely wonderful, and to tell the truth, I have accomplished more than I'd ever dreamed of ... actually, that was a bit funny - I just have to bring it up here. When we'd finished our presentations yesterday, we were supposed to have some kind of "ending" to the course, the teacher we had first - whom I'm not so familiar with - said that it had been a great course, we were a fun group to have etc (I think he meant it and all that, but still - what else could he say?? *lol*). Then the other teacher would say something, he's the one I've been in contact with regarding my private presentation, and he knew me from before, he knows a bit about my problems etc. He also said that the group was funny, always eager to discuss stuff ... and than he said that it'd been very nice to see how some of the students in this group had really developed a whole lot during the course!! At the moment I was feeling totally low, so I couldn't look up and meet his eyes, but I have a feeling that he meant me - and probably some others as well of course, but I think he's seen that I have managed to accomplish a lot during these months!
However, all things haven't been that great ... I guess no complete disasters have occured - although it was quite close at one point - but some things have been very hard for me to handle, and that is also something I have to try and deal with now that I'm supposed to put this course behind me!

Okay, enough of the seriuos stuff now! :-)
I did not wake up with a headache this morning, which felt absolutely fantastic!! I managed to go to a newly opened mall, I've been wanting to go since they opened about a month ago, but since it's quite far away, I haven't felt I could take the time. Well, I did today, and it was quite a lot of fun! I didn't buy a lot, but it was fun to go around and look ... although I wasn't alone on a Friday at around noon ... I didn't stay very long, because the buses don't go very regularly, but it was still a funny little outing!

My latest creation with Photoshop! :)
I'm not happy with it, I have to admit ... but since I'd gone through the trouble of making, I thought at least I'd publish it! *lol* I don't know, I don't have much inspiration with Photoshop these days ... it seems all my graphics end up looking exactly the same ... *boring* I'd love to learn "blending", which seems totally cool, but I have a strong feeling I need another version of Photoshop to make that work! *annoying*

I hope you have a lovely Friday night and that you'll have a great weekend!



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First In Five Years!

Thank God this day is finally over!!
It has been quite a day indeed, and I'm feeling so far beyond tired, that I hope you'll forgive me if this entry somehow won't make any kind of sense!

I managed to get a few anxiety-reducing methods going during my trip to Uni, I am actually amazed at myself for that, because I'm quite often capable of finding rational arguments for "disarming" the situation I'm about to enter, that's actually making sense ... I can really take this arguments to me, and they do help me!! I have never quite managed that before, at least not to this extent, and that feels really really great.
I was still more than nervous when I got to Uni ... the others said they were really nervous too, but as I wrote before, that doesn't really help me. I don't get less anxious just because I know others are nervous too - and to be frank, why would I? I mean, why would I feel any better if I know others are feeling bad ... (okay, I told you I was totally tired and rather confused ....!)

Anyway ...
I won't go into detail about the presentation in itself, because then you would fall asleep before you've read through half of it ... but let's just say I do not want to re-live the hours between noon and four o'clock this afternoon! Our group got so much criticism, it was actually embarrasing! The other groups got some "bad" feedback on maybe one or two things - I think we got six or seven ... from both our teachers and some rather suspect comments from a fellow student! *sigh* I have to admit though, that most of the criticism we got were called for, it wasn't unfair - though there were a couple of things regarding our group and one other group that felt rather far-fetched.
All in all - I'm not happy with the way things turned out!!
The teachers said that naturally no one had failed the course (that was pretty much given beforehand), so I know that I really can let go of this course now. It's really finished and I've gotten a passing grade ... but it's hard not to keep thinking about this, since it turned out the way it did!

Moving on to an explanation of the title of today's entry! I feel like I should finish off with something positive, after this rather awful day!
This course that I've finished now, is actually the first course in five years that I have completed on the same conditions as every other student! Five years ago, I started this education programme (I went on sick leave after about one semester), and since than there has always been one thing or another that I have had to skip, or find alternate solutions too!
I studied full time most of last semester too, but there were some things involved in the courses that I felt I couldn't handle, so I spoke to the teachers and made alternate arrangements ... but not this time. This is the first time I've followed a course, made all the assignments - oral as well as written - in the same way as everybody else! I have also been on every lecture except three, and in those cases I was really sick, which is also a record, I think ... I have always found excuses to skip going to lectures before!
*feeling rather proud now*


Mixed feelings today - as you have noticed by now! I'm going to try to put this course, and this presentation, behind me now, and look toward the future instead!
Take care guys!


Jessica's Websites

Countdown: 2 hours 19 minutes

Hello again!

Well, not long now ... I'm starting to get ready to go soon, although I'm shaking so much from anxiety, I have a hard time getting ready ...

I've gone through our report like five times now, or something, I've re-written most of what I'm going to say, and I've tried to check out what the others will say. To be honest, I think that the actual presentation in itself just might work out - but I'm so completely terrified of the discussion-thing afterwards ... I just feel like I know nothing at all, and that I have absolutely no answers whatsoever if I'm questioned about something.

Still, these hours will pass to, I guess there's no doubt about that. I am worried about what will happen, and how I will cope, but I can't do more then my best, which is what I'm always trying to do. If that's not enough ... I guess I'll have to try to deal with that as well ...

I'm not sure if I'll be able to compose an entry tonight, it all depends on what's happened - but otherwise I'll try to write something tomorrow!

Take care!
Have a nice day! *little ironic smile*


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Countdown: 4 hours 41 minutes

I'm currently working hard to try to make any kind of sense of this report/presentation thingy ... *gulp* I've been up since 5 a.m. so I've gotten some work done, but I'm verging on a state of panic at the moment, so I can't say that I'm very efficient ...
I know that this day will pass - and I will probably survive it too! - but it's really hard not to worry about how I will feel when it is over!
I'm not sure how 'serious' this presentation will be either, how much they expect from us. There will be some "question-discussion"-something afterwards, but I don't know what to make of that. Will they question the theories we've used, so we have to defend them?! (I soooo couldn't do that!!) Will it just be a friendly discussion where personal views are allowed, where we can discuss several reports/presentations at once - similarities and differenecs for instance - or will we have to defend our own report!! *gulp again*
I really wish I could just go away, someplace far far far away, anybody know of a good hotel on the moon?? Guess that's not an option though - either the moon or anyplace else ... *sigh*

I know a lot of others are very nervous about these kinds of things too, and people often use that to make me feel better ... "you're not the only one being nervous" etc. Well, newsflash ... "Won't help" (to quote Buffy in 'Once More, With Feeling')!! So what if everybody else is falling to pieces because they're so nervous, why should that make me feel less nervous!??! *confused* That doesn't make any sense to me!

Well, I won't ramble on ... I'd better make a new print of the report and try to put down a few supportive words and sentences, and see if I can make some sense of what I'm saying ...
If I'm not completely stressed out, I'll try to make another entry here before I have to leave!
Bye for now!


Jessica's Websites

Countdown: 16 hours 9 minutes

Another countdown on the way now! This time to the group presentation which takes place tomorrow!! I haven't really had either time nor energy to worry much about it - until today! And now I'm in a state of total panic!!!
I met with the others in the group today, we decided how we should do the presentation tomorrow and stuff like that ... and right now I feel like bailing completely and get on the first flight out of the country!!
Okay, maybe it's not quite as bad as that - even though I wouldn't mind a trip to London *lol* - but I certainly feel awful about all this, that's for sure!! I feel rather insecure about the stuff we're supposed to do the presentation on, it feels rather vague to me, and I'm also completely terrified about the "questions-discussion"-whatnot that will aparently follow after the presentation ... *gulp* I know I simply have to make it through tomorrow - and it probably won't kill me - but I really really feel very very bad about this ...
I've been most upset ever since I got home, and I haven't even started studying, so it's gonna be a long night tonight, becuase I do have quite a lot to do! First of all, I have to really go over my parts of the presentation, see how and what I should say, and try to "rehearse" a bit, and then I have to go through all the other reports too ... although I'm thinking of maybe not putting too much effort on that! I'm hopeless when it comes to discussions, I do have a hard time speaking up and being active, and I know that one of the teachers is fully aware of this, I don't think he expects too much of me, so I'm hoping that I can just look through the other reports so I know what they're about, and instead focus on our presentation! Oh, God I don't want to do this!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'll try to give you some happy news too ...
A while ago I saw this totally cool cd set on eBay, it was a radio recording of Les Misérables in Hebrew!!! Totally cool!!! (It doesn't hurt that I'll be studying the Old Testament and Old Testament-Hebrew all of next semester!!)
Anyway, I bought the set, it was quite cheap, so including shipping from USA I payed a little under $10. I payed directly, but about a day later I got an email from eBay saying something about the auction/sale beeing cancelled. I also got an email from the seller, telling me basically the same thing - but since I'd payed already, he would send me the CD.
This felt a bit worrying, and I was pretty sure I'd been fooled, but I figured that I could live with loosing $10 ... I emailed the seller, just out of curiosity, to see how he responded. I got this super-nice reply, where he told me a little about what had happened ... but I still wasn't convinced he was genuine! Until I came home today and found a note from the Post Office that I had a package to collect, and the sender was the seller on ebay! *yay* I hope I have time to get it tomorrow, otherwise it will be on Friday! I'm really happy about this, and in the mail I found out that I was the last person to get the CD set - so I'm guessing it's rather rare! :)

See, I can see positive things as well ... !
Even though I hardly feel positive at the moment, this whole thing tomorrow feels really haunting, and there are some other Uni-related problems, of variuos severity, that I have to try to deal with too.
I guess I'd better start studying now, instead of just sounding ocmpletely depressed in my blog!
Take care guys!


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