Friday, 8 February 2008

Now I Am Feeling Guilty!

I've had a really great day today, but I still feel a little guilty actually ... I did take it quite easy yesterday, so my plans was to keep at studying all day today and ... well ... that didn't happen! I keep having people telling me to slow down, and I think it might do me good to relax from studies at some point, but the problem is that the work still needs to get done and it takes time ... Guess I'll have to get an early start tomorrow to make up for it!

But I'd rather tell you about my good day! Which is really strange actually, because a lot of the things that happen won't sound good when I write about it and I still feel like I've had a great day! (Yup, it IS confusing, and I've had a very long weekend, so I might not be expressing myself in the best possible way ....)

We had Hebrew lectures this morning, at 8 as usual. Today I got to go through the very first sentence, that is, read, translate and analyze the words ... I was really happy to be asked in the first place, because I have been afraid our teacher might think I have an unfair advantage over the other students (as I've taken this before) and therefore wouldn't want to give me a question. Naturally, anxiety started when he asked me, that is more or less an automatic response, even though I might not really get that high anxiety levels, but I think I completed the sentence in a good way ... However, it turned out that I had made quite a huge error - in analyzing the verb. In all honesty, it was an easy mistake to make (sorry, don't have the energy to go into detail as that would require a basic explanation into Hebrew grammar), and I think the sentence was put in there to more or less make an example ... but the most extraordinary thing was that it didn't bother me!!! Our teacher is the kindest man ever, so he's really trying to make you feel okay, he won't get upset if you make mistakes, but had this been last year, I probably would have left class and not returned for weeks - and now, I could laugh about making this mistake!!!!! I can't believe it is possible I have found such strength in myself as a person, to take that ... it ... well, I guess that's another feeling that words simply can't describe!
Since this felt so good, I really hope I can become more active in this class, answering questions etc. because I think that would do me the world of good - wether I am right or wrong! *lol*

On Monday I'll be missing Hebrew lectures (*sob*) as they are colliding with my Old Testament lecture, but I was able to approach our teacher about it, ask what chapter I was supposed to prepare for Tuesday, and that's another thing I have gotten high anxiety levels about earlier, but now was more or less natural ... a little anxiety, yes sure, but nothing that resembles what I've felt earlier! If anybody has experience of this, you know it's usual to "grade" your anxiety on a scale 1-10, where 10 is as bad as you have to leave (and it almost always take an outright panic attac to make you leave a situation) ... It's difficult to say in retrospect where my anxiety levels were last year at this time, but I think that only sitting through a lecture (without reading, answering questions or anything like that) would have been somewhere between 7-8 ... today when I was asked to read, I'd say my levels rose to about 4 ... and talking to my teacher was mabye 2 or 3 ... that is really unbelievable to me!

When we finished our teacher said he'd go for coffee at a nearby Department (they have this great cafeteria where everything is supercheap!), and invited anyone who wanted to accompany him. I have only had one other teacher do that, but I think it's a wonderful gesture, and I was especially surprised - and glad - to hear this from this teacher, as it was quite unexpected. Me and four other students went, so we had a lovely coffee break for about 20 minutes. After that, my new-found StudyDate, Lena, and me stayed at Uni to prepare the Hebrew sentences for Monday ... it was rather difficult, but I still feel pretty confident about it - I seem to be able to figure out most of the time now, and that feels very good!

I wasn't home until about 2 (had to do some grocery shopping as well), and while my intentions were to keep busy at studies and cleaning, not much have been done tonight! I have split feelings about this - I know it's Friday night, and I know that I have to relax and do fun things at times as well - but I also know how much work I have to get through ... so it's hard not to feel guilty!

But I'm still completely enjoying this really GREAT day! I also had an "incident" before lectures this morning (another thing I don't want to go into detail here), with a situation that might have turned into something a bit 'nasty', but I managed to face up to it and deal with it in the best possible way I think - so I'm feeling really proud about that too!

I hope you all will have a wonderful weekend!
Take care!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Bible
Currently watching: Stargate Atlantis, season 4
Currently listening to: The Misogynist Alphabet, Philip Quast
My Plans for tomorrow: Massive studying, cleaning


Anonymous said...

Det är helt fantastiskt att läsa din blogg! Jag blir så otroligt glad över att du har det bra! Jag saknar dig dock och hoppas vi ses snart, vi får ta igen med en helkväll när jag kommer hem igen!
Många kramar! Sara

Jessica said...

Aw, tack Sara!! :) Saknar dig också!!! HOPPAS vi hinner ses nåt innan du ger dig iväg ... hör av mig! :)