Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Final Try!

Okay, this will be a rather strange entry ... but I am feeling very strange!
Today has been good, mostly ... but also bad, and now I'm stuck with accute exhaustion - and a really severe headache! And I have SOOOOOOOOOOOO much I HAVE to do today before my big exam tomorrow!
I'm mostly feeling super-confused and super-stressed out and super-freaked just terrible right now - despite some good happenings today ... but in order for anyone to at least start to understand what I'm going on about, I will try to tell you a little about what's been happening so far today ... and from there moving on to what has to happen this afternoon in order for tomorrow to work.

I was up at about 3.30 a.m. this morning, and felt pretty okay ... I had gotten to bed "early" and slept for about 4 hours (which is more than I have for a number of days now). I finished off reviewing the article up for discussion and also managed to get some Hebrew studies done, before I left at 8 o'clock.

I met my professor at 9, and while I hadn't been very nervous before, upon reaching the Department my anxiety levels were more than up! I do know how to reason with myself, and I actually talk to myself - or rather talk at myself, which does help! I can really listen to my own voice-of-reason these days in a way I couldn't before (well, I have been able to for the past 1-2 years or so), and that does help. Also, not so much feeling the anxiety in my head anymore - with difficult thoughts - I'm actually only feeling it physically, which is a bit strange. I can in my head be completely convinced that this is okay, I can do this and it will work out - all the while my heart is racing, my arms and legs starts going numb, I'm shaking and sweating ... very weird ...

Anyway, the 'discussion' we had went okay, though sometimes I found it a little bit difficult to understand what he was actually saying, so I think I sometimes answered and talked about something he really didn't ask about! *ooops* Still, and he made that clear, this was just a formality, so my grade wasn't hanging in the balance or anything!
We also got talking about the most recent course, he'd handed in all our assignments now, but aparently the results aren't reported yet. Still, if I had failed, or needed to complement something, I'm sure he would have told me! So, even though I don't know my grade, I'm fairly certain I passed!! *YAY!*
I was done at about 9.20, but the library doesn't open until 10 during summer, so I had to wait. I tried studying, but had a great difficulty concentrating, as I was in my mind going over what had happened before - as I always do! I can't help myself, but I go back and analyze everything in detail ... which doesn't do much good when you're trying to learn as much as possible about different hymn-theologies! :)

At 10 I made my way to the library, I had to get a book I knew they had, but didn't know where. So, I managed to find one of the staff and ask them. I wasn't completely at ease, but this was something that I regarding as a major issue just in the beginning of this semester - and I'm constantly reminded of what's been happning this past few months! It's quite amazing!!
There were only temps working in the library, and none of them knew where to find this book!! Luckily not a lot of people around, so me and these two men were running around the entire library trying to locate this book! We finally managed and I quickly realized that the article I was supposed to read was in Norweigan!! Now it is similar to Swedish, I know that - but I have such a hard time reading it! I can easily understand it spoken, but reading it is an entirely different story ... I managed to get through it - but I'm not sure if I really understood what it was about!

I was home at about 12, had the beginning of a headache, so I had lunch and debated wether or not I should try for a power nap, or lots and lots of coffee! The nap won, but aparently that was the wrong decision, because after 45 minutes, I woke up with a throbbing headache - and I soooo can't take the time for that now!!
Quickly put on a fresh pot of coffee, I've mixed two different headache pills, drank a whole mug of coffee, located the last three caffeine pills in the jar, and have drank a little over ½ liter of water ... still headache!!

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

Sorry ...
It's just that I need to copy another 15 Bible verses, read about 100 pages of English litterature, start review Hebrew verbs, and go back and check out all the litterature (which is about 650 pages!) ... until tomorrow!!!
HOW?!?!?!??! HOW?!?!?! HOW!?!?!?!?
I know I can't move mountains, and fact of the matter is, this timing - with the discussion today - was totally off! It felt like a major climax going through that - when in fact my real climax is tomorrow ... and now everything just feels off and wrong! But I do WANT to pass this exam, and make it work in a nice way! I'm already completely freaked out over it ... (also not helping that I desperately want to make a good impression on this professor, hence adding to the pressure and anxiety), and if I can't study now, how in the world am I going to cope!??

Okay, sorry, I won't keep on with this - it just felt good getting all this out, and for some reason I didn't feel like writing in my regular diary!
Seriously wondering if I can cope with another headache pill now ... At the moment it feels like I don't care if I drop dead - because I'm no good like this anyway ...

I will try to start writing summary-entries both in this blog and in my Swedish blog Cogito, Ergo Sum, tomorrow ... as I think I will need a few entries to cover everything that's going on!

Please send some positive thoughts this way - this afternoon so the headache might go away and I'll get some studies done - and tomorrow morning for the exam!

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Theology of the Old Testament (Walter Brueggemann) & Det sårbara livet (Fredrik Lindström)
Currently watching: Angel, season 1
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Exam and SUMMER-VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The Darkest Night said...

i really hope you got rid of your headache!!! *hugs*

Jessica said...

thanks ... it did go away ... unfortuantely WAAAAY to late ...