Sadness!

I really wanted to write something here yesterday, to try to get back to my once-a-day system of blogging, but there was just no way possible I could bring myself to do it.

I've had some issues regarding this semester at Uni, there has been lots of confusion regarding essays and seminars and whatnot, and I finally felt that it had been sorted out. Granted, there was an exception made for me, which allowed me to only follow the Old- and New Testament seminars, and not the Theology one. I know why I should follow the Theology seminar, and I do accept that, but the fact was that when I planned this semester, and applied for my courses, and had no idea whatsoever that it would be handled like this. When you look at the way I have planned my semester, I don't think it would be possible to follow the Theology seminar (which is quite different to the OT/NT one), I just wouldn't be able to make it work,

I thought I had cleared all of this with 'my' professor, but toward the end of last week I realized I was still on the Theology seminar mailing list. I felt like I should take my responsibility and once and for all clear this with the Theology professor as well. My OT professor had talked to him about me, but I haven't had contact with him.
I sent him an email, just telling him what had been decided, and since the two professors had been discussing this, I figured it was actually they who had decided.

His reply was fairly devastating ...
He basically told me that, while he wouldn't force me to come to his seminar, he felt the whole concept was very wrong. I was going about the essay in the wrong way doing it like this, I was doing a specializing (is that even a word?!) that I am not supposed to with this essay, I was depriving the other students in the seminar my work, by staying away from the seminar.
He called me an unambitious student and indicated that I was being lazy and opting for the easy-way-out by doing this.
And that hurt.
A lot.

I have always been a person who takes pride in her work. I would rather not hand in an assignment, than hand in a bad one. I work hard and sure, there are things I cope badly with - but I would never see myself as unambitious and lazy!! Quite the opposite, I don't like those characteristics and I work hard at not being like that myself.
Ever since I came back from my sickleave I have been working my ass off to make a go of my University studies, and I do want to make a good job, and make a good impression. I want to continue with post-graduate studies, I want to stay in this environment, this is going to be my future ... and hearing that you're not applying yourself, that you don't care, and that you just want to get away with as little work as possible ... that hurts a lot.

It's been rough getting through this entry, I was extremely down yesterday, and I'm still having a very hard time getting something done today! That in itself will be getting consequences, because I should be studing 24/7 right now, if I'm going to cope with this semester ...