Sunday, 23 September 2007

Gathering My Thoughts!

I'm mostly feeling strange and confused these days, so I'm currently trying to gather my thoughts and work through my life at the moment!
I have been in a weird mood lately, where absolutely nothing gets done!! I know I have so much to do and get done, and yet for some strange reason, nothing ever happens! I really hate that with myself, it's so destructive ... and I don't really have time for that right now!!

I definately need to get things straightened out now, and start getting on with my life, otherwise things will be really chaotic!! I know that part of what made last semester end up like a complete disaster was that I got behind early on. Now you can't compare this right off, because there are two completely different courses now, but the fact still remains that things does work more smoothly if you can keep up and feel that you know what you're doing!

I really want my life to work out now, I want to de-dramatize a lot of things in my life, in order for things to work out more smoothly. "Little things", wether they are purely practical or have to do with my anxiety problems, should not be allowed to overcome my life!! I'm gonna have enough trouble coping with "bigger things" (such as oral exams *help!!*) later on, these "little things" have got to go on routine now!
Speaking of routine, that is something I really need to work on in my life!! I really feel that I need to get more routine and more structure in my life, and I think I am at the right point in my life to do it - if I can just get started! I started to think back, and I guess I maybe had a little too much routines and structures in my life early on, because when I first moved into my own apartment, the sense of freedom, of being able to do what I want when I wanted it, was overwhelming!! And I've come to realize that ever since then (I moved in June 1997, so it's 10 years and more now) I haven't had any routines in my life!! I guess I was sooo thrilled by actually being able to do whatever I wanted (eat what I wanted, when I wanted to, go to bed when I felt like it, get up when I felt like it - more or less anyway :) - clean when I wanted to, do laundry when I wanted to), that I never quite snapped out of it, I've just been going along with it for the past ten years!!
And I totally feel that it's doing me more harm than good right now!! I definately need structure in my life, in order for me to be able to do what I want and get my life to work properly! I guess this is pretty obvious stuff, but I've only just now come to think of it in so clear terms.

This is something I definately need to work on, and I guess it's not done in a hurry, since I have had 10 years to get used to life without any routines in it - but I still think it's worth fighting for, because I think my life will be easier to handle, and I will feel better about myself, if I can start working on getting these routines and structures to work for me!!

I'm planning to take a day completely at home tomorrow and try to inforce these thoughts into real life, see if I can start creating some routines and structures that I can hopefully follow in the future as well. I think it is imperative that I really give this a try, if I am going to cope with this semester in a satisfactory fashion.

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Well-Schooled in Murder (Elizabeth George)
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1 (season 1)
Currently listening to: Some Enchanted Evening - Philip Quast
My Plans for tomorrow: Get my life going !!


Anonymous said...

These thoughts that you share with us are for your part hopefully very constructive. Maybe Camilla Läckberg can help out a little. When she talks about writing it has nothing to do with inspiration and things like that, it is pure work period. Think about the things you have to do as pure "work stuff" and even if you don´t get payed in money, you get payed otherwise.
The one who knows the joy of being able to do what you want

Jessica said...

Hi! :) I thought it was you! :) And thank you so much, I think what you said is very true! You need to think of it as things that just need doing - period. I tend to - as you know!! - think too much, which in these cases are not a good thing ... you just need to get things done without thinking about them!!
Thanks again!

The Darkest Night said...

Good luck sis! I know it can be hard finding a good balance between freedom and structure :)

Jessica said...

Yeah, that balance has certainly not functioned well before, I just hope I can work out a way that WILL WORK now! :)

The Darkest Night said...

btw. Sent you an SMS yesterday and a PM today..hope everything is ok! *hugs*

The Darkest Night said...

Good luck!

Jessica said...

*thanks sis* Don't understand it, but apparently your sms only reached me like 10 minutes ago (sent one right back!) ... weird!