Thursday, 22 May 2008

Starting To Fear!

While I'm generally in not-a-too-bad-mood now, there is one thing that is really starting to disturb me now, and I'm not sure if I can work at making it go away either ...
I know I have accomplished quite a lot this semester, more than I had thought at the outset of it, and I really am very proud at how things have gone now. But I am starting to fear I might not be able to go through with it all now ... I mean, go through with it in a way that I'm actually passing my courses!! Since March 31st I have read three courses at the same time, two full-time and one half-time, and I think I have done a good job of it. I'm going to have to get grades on one full-time (Biblical Interpretation) and the half-time reading course now - different kinds of exams but still - and if I don't cope with that, if I fail to hand in papers or if I fail at them, or the oral exam on the reading course ... nothing I've done since the end of March will matter! Okay, that might at first glance sound like overreacting - but I really don't think so!! Okay, I have aquired some knowledge, which is always good, but if I fail these courses, practically, there will be HELL to pay!! Biblical Interpretation will probably not be solved until August or even September, if it doesn't work out now - and that will lead to problems getting accepted to next semester's courses as well as financial problems .... and if I fail the reading course, I'm not sure I can take another exam for this teacher, because he will be retiring after this semester, and then it will be a great, big deal trying to solve that - so in effect, nothing of what I have done, none of the time and the energy I have put in since March 31st will have mattered ...

Now I know I have't always been a model student (at least not before this semester), I've been putting things off, having problems getting things done etc. - and then you somehow have only yourself to blame if things doesn't work out.
But now I am really working my butt off, and I'm so exhausted, at times it's just not possible to study (I can actually look at a text in Swedish, and the letters keep bouncing around, so I can't read it ... that can't be good, right?!) ... and the hours and days pass by and I don't think I will have enough time to prepare and do what I have to do!

Unfortunately, these thoughts have really stuck with me now, which is rather tough to deal with. I'm still pretty able to focus on studying, providing I'm not far to tired, but I'm afraid these thoughts will take over more and more ....

Okay, that was a bit depressing ... sorry!
We had two Old Testament lectures today, first a "normal" one at 8 a.m. and then in the afternoon, four of the members of the group presented their interpretation-papers. It was great knowing I wouldn't have to do anything (since I already have a grade in that course, I decided not to take on another project and write it!). The presentation was quite tough, not quite like an opposision on an essay, but quite close, where the author more or less had to defend their work ... at first I felt almost petrified, and being ever so thankful I didn't have to go through that - but after I while I really felt like, if I had had the time, and done what I myself had considered a good job, I actually would have wanted to present it like that!!! It felt very rewarding, everybody got lots of feedback, our professor is the kindest man, but he's also quite demanding, so it would certainly have been a great challenge to do it ... (and trust me when I say I cannot believe I'm actually feeling this way, because it's SO FAR AWAY from the person I have been for my entire life, except all of a sudden ... now ....

A not so happy note is my health right now. I'm usually quite healthy, physically, but right now I'm not feeling the best, and I think I'll blame pollen combined with exhaustion!! I'm not sure if I'm really allergic to pollen (in a medical sense), but I do feel disturbed if there are lots of pollen ... and now it's been fairly bad actually, and in combination with the warm weather we've been having, I'm quite often experiencing difficulties breathing ... which isn't a pleasant feeling!! The air is quite bad at the Department as well, especially in the library, and I'm truly experiening that I can't breathe! If I sit in a certain 'study-room' at the library, I actually have to go out at least once every half-hour and rinse off in the bathroom ... *sigh*
I didn't even experience anything like this during my worse anxiety-periods, so I'm quite disturbed by it! I'm sure it's nothing dangerous, but it is quite an uncomfortable feeling!

Tonight I have taken a little break from studies, I was really tired when I got home, so instead of studying I have done some cleaning - which is something I totally neglect when I have this much studying going on ... didn't get through that much, but I did some clearing and got through most of the kitchen and the bathroom - points for effort, right?

Now I'm in for an early night, so I can get up early! I'm planning on a full-day-studying-in-the-library tomorrow, so I should be there when they open tomorrow at 9.

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Scripture in tradition, John Breck
Currently watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 3
Currently listening to: Bustopher Jones, Cats (Original London Cast)
My Plans for tomorrow: Studies at the library, studies at home

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