This day turned out to be a not-so-great one, that's for sure!
I guess it was okay at first, but the more the day progressed, the worse it got! I can't say that something in particular happened to trigger this, but I guess I'm so completely torn apart by all the stress and the worry and the anxiety at the moment, that as soon as the smallest little thing won't work out, I break down completely!
I know it was exactly the same last fall, when I had been constantly stressing like crazy for months, than one day it snapped and I more or less collapsed ... that time it was on November 28, so I guess I coped for ten more days this year - does that mean I can hope to make it until Christmas next year?! *sigh*
I have an extremely intense week ahead of me, and when I feel the way I do, I honestly don't know how to cope, what I will do!! I know it's easy to say that I 'have to try', or 'if I only get through a few days, it will be better', and 'the alternative is much worse' - and a number of other cliches like that - but it simply doesn't work like that!!
I don't know if it's like this for everyone, or if this is something related to severe anxiety problems, but sometimes at least I get to a point where it is impossible for me to do a certain thing. I cannot directly put it down to anxiety, because I often make the decision sitting alone in my couch - and I rarely experience anxiety there, even though what I'm about to do (or not do!) might cause anxiety, but it's just something inside me that screams at me, that this is impossible!!! At that point, I'm not rational, because it feels like it doesn't matter if the world will blow up - I cannot do whatever it is!!
I don't think I'm quite there just yet, I haven't decided yet, actually! A number of things complicate the matter at the moment - and I guess it's all the complications that make me feel so terrible right now! There are lots of things I could have "solved" in an at least tolerable way usually, but now a number of factors make that impossible, and the whole scenario turns into something extremely complicated!!
I have already come to terms with the fact that I won't be getting any sleep tonight, no matter what will happen, so I'm now drinking coffee and eating pain killers to get rid of a headache that's been following me most of the day!
I'm in for some heavy writing in my diary in order to try to sort through my emotions and options - and hopefully I might be able to reach a decision about the imminent future during the night ...
I'm sorry about this depressing entry, but today really has been very depressing!
My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: God Knows!
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: God Maybe Knows That Too? I know I don't ...