I have had a rather strange day today ... where some things have been quite good and some things have been quite bad. I don't really like those kinds of days, I'd like it to be either overall good or overall bad! It's far easier to assess how the day went if it's like that! Still ... that isn't so common, after all ...
I guess it'd be kind of wise to start with the negative and finish off with the positive! Am I smart of what?!
Okay, so the major bad thing, as you might have figured out from today's title, was having a panic attack - or anxiety attack - in the middle of a lecture!! Having such an attack is bad enough, trust me, without having to suffer through it in public!
I had missed two lectures, and aparently we were supposed to have prepared eight sentences for today, we were supposed to read them, translate them and "analyse" them (various forms etc) ... and I had SO not prepared anything, I didn't even know!! Well, guess who were supposed to do the fifth sentence????? That's right, it was me!
That promted my anxiety attack, of course, and the first thought I had - as you usually do when you get an attack - was "How do I get out of here as soon as possible?" Okay, I know that it sounds like "wishful thinking" or something like that, but it was totally real! I was actually considering the possibilites of leaving the classroom; how would I do it, what would I say?
Since there were other students analyzing first, I got the chance to actually snap out of the most intense part of the attac and actually start thinking. Which of course is a good thing!! I rather quickly realized I couldn't actually leave ... so what was I going to do?!?? No doubt I'd sooner or later be asked to read, translate and analyze a sentence - I obviously needed to come up with something. Well, actually there wasn't much I could do, except from tell the truth, that I had been absent and didn't know we were suppose to have prepared anything ... and hope that that would work out.
It still felt very tough, and I had really, really high anxiety levels, but I did tell the truth, and the professor just skipped me and moved on to the student next to me! *relieved sigh*
That was actually the major bad news ... some semi-bad news is that my James Bond DVD box has not shown up yet (though I expected it today). Hopefully I'll get it tomorrow!!
As for some good news ... well I guess that could center around one thing! Namely that I have made some contact with another student in the group! I do talk to one of the students, we took the same courses last semester, but this was someone "new". I have spoken to her briefly before, but it was much more today!! We met on the way to the theology department and started talking then, we spoke before the lecture and we also walked the same way for a while afterwards and talked!
I think it worked out very well!! Not exeptionally well (I still have one girl from last semester that I really considser being a friend, even though I haven't seen her or talked to her in quite a while, but we really hit it off!!), but indeed well! Our conversation went well, no disturbing pauses here and there, I felt really relaxed, I could joke etc.
That was indeed the good news for today!
Personally, I feel a bit sad though! It's nothing really major, and do feel I can keep up with my life, my studies etc. but as you've probably come to know now ... my issues are still with me. Sometimes they affect me more than others, but right now I'm in a period where they are really hurtful!! It's tough since I know that there's absolutely nothing whatsoever I can do to change the situation, or in any way make it better ... but I still can't just forget about it either ...