Wednesday, 10 September 2008

I Don't Like Roller Coasters!

I honestly don't like regular roller coasters - and I really really don't like the emotional kind!
This past few days have been quite overwhelming, and I'm not sure how to make heads or tails of what's going on in my life. So in advance: apologies if this entry makes no sense whatsoever! :)

Okay, Friday (see, I need to back a long way to sort this out!) wasn't great, since I missed Uni, even though that wasn't entirely my fault ...
I spent most of the weekend trying to study and catch up and work with myself, and I was doing quite well, everything felt okay. Sunday night I was nervous for the week to come, of course, but I felt quite confident I could make a come-back without any major problems.

And then came Monday! And I still have no idea what actually happened ... some time when I'm not constantly stressing, I really need to sit down and try to figure it out. I had slept poorly, had weird and pretty uncomfortable dreams, and I woke up with a major anxiety attack. That I can handle ... usually! But for some reason, it was like I had stepped into a time machine when I woke up - and had gone back in time some 4-5 years or so!
I write a lot in a personal diary, especially when I'm going through rough times, and writing helps me a great deal. I have even managed to actually "talk sense to myself" in my diary - I can totally tell myself to "get a grip - deal - move on - do what it is you're supposed to do!" ... and I can actually do it.
But Monday didn't work at all. I followed my usual routine in writing, which is that I usually just pour out all the bad feelings and terrible horrible things I can think of ... and then I take a few deep breaths, and start dealing - finding solutions, finding alternative thoughts that make me cope etc - and while I could find those thoughts, they meant nothing to me. I couldn't use them at all.
I haven't felt that bad in a very, very long time - and I didn't go to lectures! It also meant missing out on breakfast with Lena, which felt terrible because I really wanted to do that - but there was no way I could get out of my apartment.

I was supposed to work really hard at figuring this whole thing out during the day - and catch up on studies, and I just spent the entire day in a black hole, doing nothing at all.

And after Monday came Tuesday - yesterday! Which turned out to be the complete and utter opposite!! I had anticipated another major anxiety attack, because now I had missed yet another day of Uni, and I know that has consequences! Sure, I felt nervous and a bit anxious, but the levels where nowhere near what I had felt on Monday!!
I got to Uni at 8, had lectures - I was excused from the read-translate-analyze moment, since the teacher knew I had been away, but I followed the lecture, I got what was said, I spent time with my fellow students, and it all just worked out! I had lunch with no less than 4 (!) people - I definately don't do that a lot! - I studied in the library and prepared even more for today than I actually had to!!
At 4.15 p.m. we had an introduction for those of us writing essays during the semester, and I was quite nervous about that. I have never written one before, and I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to write about. I knew (in a loose sense of the word but still) everybody who was there except two (!), which was a very cool feeling - and even though the prospect of writing this essay in the manner expected is somewhat frightening, I am looking forward to it ... :)
After a lot of general information, we went off with our separate professors (the entire group includes those writing in Old and New Testament, but there is of course one OT-professor and one NT-professor). Only me and Per were writing in OT, so we went with our professor - Per got his info out of the way pretty quickly, because he had a fair idea what he wanted to do ... and I just got more and more nervous.
The professor was really nice though - I actually had him on a short basic course before I got on sick-leave, in 2001 ... kinda cool! ;) He helped me a lot just by being nice, and after we had talked a little, he gave me some great ideas for my essay - so now I at least know where to start digging! :)

I wasn't home until 6.30 (!!) and was pretty exhausted - so not much got done yesterday evening.

Finally arriving at today - wonder if any reader has had the energy to continue reading this ... :)
Lectures again at 8, and now I knew I couldn't be excused from reading - but I still wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. Lectures were a bit of a let-down today, actually, for some reasons, but at this point, there's not much to be done about that ...
I did get to read, but it seemed our teacher would have let me "get away" without reading today as well - but since I had mentally prepared for it, I went ahead and did it! *yay me* :) It didn't go perfect - far from it - because I think I both read the Greek text wrong and made errors in the translation, but despite a number of "problems" I feel the general 'mood' in the classroom is very relaxed and feels 'okay', so I didn't mind as much as I thought I would. I still don't feel good about it, but I don't feel too bad about it either - and I don't think this will make me go into a major anxiety attack the next time I'm going to read (which will be tomorrow, in all certainty) - and I guess that's the main thing.

I spent about two hours studying in the library and then I met up with Lena, so we went home together - niiiiice with company on the train! *yay*

I should have studied lots and lots and lots this afternoon - but fact of the matter is, I'm really tired. As you well have nocticed by now (if you've read this far!!!), these past few days have been very overwhelming, and my energy levels aren't exactly on top (doesn't help that I have to get up at 4 a.m. every morning either). Still, I'm hoping to get a few hours in now.
Aparently this teacher (in Greek) has a small "test" (for your own sake, but still) every Friday ... I missed the first one, obviously, but even though it's not something major, I still feel you should be up-to-speed, and study a little extra for that ... so tonight I will focus on expanding my vocabulary ... tomorrow I will have to seriously get going with grammar! Wish me luck, okay?! :)

*phew* Took some energy to get through this entry, that's for sure! Still, at least now both you and I are up-to-speed about what's going on. If I can feel pretty okay about things generally now - for a while at least - I hope I can get back to daily updates of the blog.
Also, don't forget my other blogs either:

Today's Blog Dedication: To all readers that managed to get through this massive entry! Thank You! :)

My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 10
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Lectures at Uni and lots of studying

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