Monday, 22 September 2008

Surviving?

Okay, this has not been a good start of the week, that's for sure!
I woke up feeling pretty terrible this morning, but I really felt I HAD to get to Uni, so I stacked up on medicines and coffee throughout the morning. On my way to Uni I had a few "incidents" (sorry, they're a bit too personal to share in a public blog), and they had quite an effect on me! Had this been two - or maybe just one (?) year ago, I probably would have turned around and gone back home ... but I didn't.

I think I coped fairly well with the lecture - I was asked to read and I did, and I also answered some grammatical questions that were tied into "my" sentence. Unfortunately, my cold was making itself known and I started getting a nasty headache. We went through the second half of the chapter during the last 20 minutes of the lecture, but I felt completely out-of-it, and I still don't know if I understood what it was about!!

I was supposed to go to a store a bit north of where I live to buy some clothes directly after Uni, but there was no way I could cope with that, I even had a hard time making it home.
I have spent the entire day trying to get rid of my headache, no luck! I'm feeling seriously stressed out now, I'm falling more and more behind for every hour that goes by, and yet I know there's no point in even trying to study when I feel like this! To grasp these sentences, and make any kind of sense in them, you have to be 100% concentrated and focused - and with this bad a headache, there's no way I can do that!!

It feels very important to be to actually go to all the lectures now, since I've missed a number of them ... but things aren't always that easy ... I don't have the energy (and my head hurts!!) to go into a long discussion about it, but fact of the matter is, this Uni situation is starting to get very complicated now that I don't feel well. I also have the optional essay-writing-course-thingy tomorrow, which I really feel I should go to ...
And on the other hand - going to lectures today made my cold a lot worse, which should mean that it won't exactly get better if I go tomorrow!
I haven't decided what to do yet, because I really don't know. And I don't think I will decide until tomorrow ....

I have split feelings about this as well - it feels very stupid, and almost petty, to complain about these things, when I know how I felt about the entire Uni situation some 2-3 years ago! I couldn't even set foot inside the Department without suffering a major anxiety attack, I had to work out alternate solutions with every single teacher I ever came across, I was completely socially isolated and couldn't talk to anyone ... comparing that to what my life is about now is almost scary! Now all I'm worrying about is not being able to be at the Department! *laughs a little*
Still, I can't just shrug this off! I know I'm waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy better off now than I have ever been, and trust me, I am very, very grateful for that. But fact of the matter is, for every single hour I don't spent 100% of me studying, I fall further behind. And eventually, I won't be able to pick up the pieces any more! And that is speaking purely from experience!!

Well, after this entry my head is more or less falling off my shoulders, so I guess I shouldn't stay in front of the computer any longer. Just thought I'd let you know what's going on - and as usual it turned into a ramble! :)

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My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Vildåsnans törst, Åke Lundqvist
Currently watching: 2½ Men
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: I have no idea!

2 comments:

storschan said...

Du säger så ofta att du ska vara tacksam, men mot vem? Vem är det som har gjort allt detta möjligt i ditt liv? Vem är det som har kämpat sig igenom alla besvärligheter och nu står här och kan en hel massa både om sig själv och om alla ämnen du läst?
DET ÄR DU!!!! DU har gjort det möjligt för dig själv, så SLUTA att tracka ner på dig själv. Du är värd att må bra på alla sätt, så det så.

Jessica said...

Åhhhh, vilken fin kommentar .... :) TACK!!!