Today I have spent mostly trying to relax, but also trying to prepare for what is about to start! I had a long session with my diary this morning, and those thoughts have been with me throughout the day.
I have very mixed feelings about this upcoming semester, so it isn't easy to know what to focus on, or how to deal with my anxiety for it. I am very nervous and I do have anxiety, that thus far varies quite a bit, but is still present. I know this is a very demanding course, and you need to study a lot - but I am very motivated in my studies now, so I don't think that will be a big problem. However, we do have lectures every single week-day (Monday through Friday) for at least the first 8 weeks (and then some) ... and I know I sometimes have a hard time coping with that. If I experience some difficulties or mood-swings, I can't operate on all cylinders, and I need some "time off" - and now all of a sudden, that's not allowed!
Because I also know that missing lectures - even one missed lecture - on this course (at least during the first 3-4 weeks) will most likely prove fatal for me. That's what happened the first time I took Hebrew (now I'm taking Greek, the courses are pretty similar) - and that ended up being a total disaster! But just knowing that I can't miss lectures, make my anxiety levels rise!
I also know I need to cope with preparing a lot of stuff for every day, and most likely the concept of "reading-translating-analyzing" every day, in front of the group, will be used - which is another cause for worry.
Then, on the other hand, I actually do feel quite confident about the future! I know I have stuff I need to work with, and things I'm coping badly with - but after having completely last semester the way I did, I actually got some confidence in my studies, and a self esteem boost. I was active pretty much every day for the entire semester (with a few downturns of course), and I performed really well, I got the high grade, VG, for most of my exams, and I even took an unoffical course that I didn't need to - and did really well there as well. And not only that, the social arena worked out really nice, I found my place in most groups - and I met a new a friend (which doesn't happen that often!!) - and in the Department, which also helps me find my confidence!
In conclusion: Major confusion! *lol*
Still, at least I'm not feeling completely devastated, and I guess that's the main thing. I think I can expect both good and bad things from this semester, but what I am really truly hoping for, is that I can cope with it. By that I don't mean that everything should simply magically work out, but that I am also able to cope with the bad things, so that I don't get depressed, or feel like I need to skip lectures, stay home, and start feeling alienated again. That will take a lot of work, of course, because I will no doubt run into problems along the way - but fingers crossed, I will cope! :)
My Life At The Moment!
Currently reading: Val McDermid
Currently watching: Stargate SG-1, season 8
Currently listening to: Nothing
My Plans for tomorrow: Introduction to New Testament Greek, meet with "CSN", studies ...