Thursday, 30 November 2006

Dealing With Confusion!

Another day that didn't turn out the way I planned! *sigh*
We had the very first essay-semiar today, and even though I've been feeling completely awful these last few days, I really felt I had to attend it. I went to bed early last night, since I'm not sleeping well, but of course I couldn't sleep. I did manage to fall asleep after about two hours, but woke up after 45 minutes from most likely the worse nightmare I have ever experienced!! I woke up in a cold sweat and was truely terrified! It took about ten minutes before I got the courage to leave my bed (!), then I tip-toed around the entire apartment, lighting every lamp I could find! I spent a couple of hours in front of the TV before I decided to try to go to sleep again. I couldn't bring myself to going back to bed, so I fell alseep on the couch with all the lamps alight. This time I got to sleep for about half an hour, before waking up from another nightmare!! It was very different from the first one, but quite as unsettling! At this point it was about half past two in the morning, and I spent the coming three hours in front of the TV again ... then I realized there was no way I'd be able to attend the seminar at ten ...

This day has - as you can see in the title - been spent trying to deal with the general confusion that is my life at the moment! A lot of writing in my diary and a lot of thinking!! I started feeling a little better this afternoon - everything is still a mess, and I think I might have to start looking for alternate solutions in order to finish this semester - which I hate to do - but at least I could see a little bit beyond: "Everything is going to Hell and I wish I could go too!"

But now tonight, I think I've gone back a little bit. I still don't feel quite as bad as I did Tuesday night - when I was so close to giving up on everything in my life, but I am feeling very low, very down and generally very sad about everything ...
I know I have to do something tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to - which of course is a huge stress factor! This is something I really, really, really have to get done tomorrow, or it will have reprecussions on a lot of other stuff ... but I still don't know if I can do it, and I haven't gotten a clue as to what I will do if it turns out I really can't do it ...

I am sooooo tired right now - not very strange, I suppose - but unfortunately, I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight either! I have a very hard time just letting go of all the thoughts and emotions and feelings that I have, and that means my brain can't relax at all ...meaning no sleep. Also, I'm more or less terrified to have to live through terrible nightmares again, I know it sounds silly and childish but I was really really frightened tonight - and I'm started to get scared now too - even if I know they were only dreams ... *sigh*

Anyway, I guess I should at least try to get some rest, especially if I'm gonna have to try to get this 'thing' done tomorrow! *gulp*


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4 comments:

The darkest night said...

So sorry to hear you've had another bad day! :(

Nightmares suck!! I always thought when you got older you didn't have nightmares anymore..yeah right! They just get more disturbing, so you can be sure they freak you out just as much now as when you were little...

I hope you'll be able to get some sleep tonight...
Try watching a Disney movie...(I'd recommend a nice "slow" one....like Sleeping Beauty)...of course that's my cure for everything (along with chocolate)..but worth a try! :) It might just make you fall asleep to the movie...or at least relax you so you're able to sleep after the movie...)... good luck! *hugs*

(and why am I giving advice on this?? I'm the world's worst sleeper!) *oops*

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, I´ve lived through it bur you just need to relax. The nightmaress are only affecting you because you allow them to. Try to think logical and don´t let anything besides you decide over your li´fe. That includes fears...

Hugs to you..

Jessica said...

the darkest night:
I really hate nightmares ... even though it's not regular 'scary dreams' like when you're a kid, they tend to effect you anyway ... and naturally they all tend to bring up the worst of the worst of course *sigh*

Didn't get any sleep last night either ... though no nightmares at least ...
I just hope I can sleep tonight, so I'm not like a corpse tomorrow! *fingers crossed*

Jessica said...

Anonymous:
Can't say that I agree with you in the fact that nightmares only affects you if you allow them to! I've heard that a lot from people during the time when I felt really really bad ... most people kept telling me that I allowed myself to feel bad - and I do not agree!
I think that both when it comes to nightmares as well as general anxiety problems, it is your subconsciousness that has taken over, and that is nothing that you allow on a conscious level ...

I do know that nightmares aren't real, and that I probably won't suffer from them if I try to relax a little bit, so thank you for that advice, really!