Thursday, 12 October 2006

Countdown: 13hours 5 minutes

"The Big Thing" closing fast now!
I know I'm rambling on about this, but it's really taking up a huge part of my life right now, and I will be so relieved after it's done tomorrow afternoon.
I'm seeing an improvement quite clearly regarding the way I feel about this. I'm really really nervous, and from time to time I experience high anxiety levels, verging on panic ... but despite that, I still have a connection to reality and rationality! I'm not completely "out of it" the way I was before, and that's quite a big deal!! I can reason with myself now, I can really talk to myself, or rather at myself actually, and really pinpoint what's rational about what is going on, and that usually makes me calmer. I'm pretty sure I'll be in quite a state tomorrow morning, and I'm not sure rationality have a large place there, but at least I'm glad for the moments when I actually can see reason! I'm really working hard on telling myself that this is not the biggest thing in the world, that I'm doing the very best I can - and if that's not enough I'll just have to deal with it!! I can't really do more than what I'm capable of, right?! I can only do what I think is right and sensible and good ... and if it isn't ... well, I'll just have to take it!! I mean, what else can I do?? I hardly think that laying down and dying is an option, do you? ;)
I'm actually very proud of being able to have this "discussions" with myself - because it's horribly hard to try to really grasp this when you're practically frozen with fear ... but I actually think I'm doing a good job of it!
As I said, I'll probably feel terrible in the morning, but at least I know I have some sort of ability to deal with it - even though it's not always successful!

The day today has been ... well ... what can I say?! Weird, strange, confusing ... Yeah, that pretty much sums it up!
Some stuff happened that was really positive and made me feel great ... and then something else happened that just turned out WEIRD ... and I think most of it is my fault ... which is not a good feeling actually! Okay, I realize I'm not making any kind of sense ... I'll just drop the subject before you all consider me a raving lunatic ... (although I kind of feel like one at the moment! Crazy)

I still have a number of hours left working, unfortunately! I found out today that I only needed to write three chapter reviews (instead of six!) which was a great relief! At first I figured maybe I didn't have to do them all, my teacher would probably understand because this presenation thing has been so huge for me, but then it turned out that pretty much everybody else complained to him about it, or said they wouldn't have time to do it, wondered if it was okay to hand them in late etc. He's super-nice so he didn't actually get mad, but I could see he felt rather disappointed and probably felt that we've known about this for some time, and it is actually part of the course ... but what could he do? He can't fail a student for handing in an assignment late ... But it sort of made me feel like I don't want to be like the others and try to come up with excuses for not being able to do the work, so I'm really going to try and finish the three reviews tonight!
I also have to re-type and change some stuff in my presentation - and also try to memorize it even more ... It'll be a late night (and an early morning), but it really doesn't matter that much. I'm so tense right now, I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, so I might as well spend the time working!

If I'm not completely insane tomorrow morning, I might try to give you one last update before it's time!

Take care!

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